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Grandparents: Models, Mentors and Memory-Makers

For more information about the first annual World Day for Grandparents and the Elderly, please visit the USCCB Website.

 

Every child deserves a grandparent who will love unconditionally, and every grandparent needs the opportunity to love and be loved. While it may not take an entire village to raise a child, it certainly takes a loving family. Grandparents are a crucial ingredient in the family mix. They have a unique connection to their grandchildren and a wealth of gifts, talents, and wisdom to share with them.

For many families, family life is spinning out of control. Parents are increasingly busy, and family life is more often like a pressure cooker than a warm, bubbly stew. The demands of dual careers and an abundance of outside activities leave far too little parent-child time. Grandparents can make a huge difference to these busy families.

Grandchildren and grandparents have a very special connection. The late humorist Sam Levinson once described it by saying, “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy!”

Grandparents as Models and Mentors

Grandparents have many things to teach their grandchildren, both by their modeling and their mentoring. Having lived many years and experienced a great deal, their knowledge can ease and enrich their grandchildren’s lives in a variety of ways.

Grandparents are powerful models for their grandchildren, and their actions and example often speak louder than their words. From grandparents, children learn both attitudes and values. Grandparents show grandchildren how to be good citizens; they are witnesses to their faith; and they are models for aging. Their very presence exposes children to the seasons of life and teaches them respect for other ages and stages of life.

Grandparents are made-to-order mentors. They have a storehouse of wisdom to share. Over the years, they have honed their gifts and talents, learned valuable skills, and developed interests that are advantageous, educational, and beneficial to their grandchildren. Their life experience can guide and teach their grandchildren.

Grandparents mentor grandchildren when they share a skill or new activity, such as baking cookies, knitting a scarf, building a birdhouse, visiting a museum, or taking a nature walk. Grandparents have an abundance of experience, which they often take for granted, and they almost always have more time than parents. Most grandchildren welcome the opportunity to try something new with a grandparent.

Grandparents Build Memories

Grandparents are ideal memory-makers. By spending time and mentoring their grandchildren, they can build valuable memories that will last a lifetime. They don’t need a trip to Disneyland to do so, but they do need a willingness to share their time and talent. If you are a grandparent who wants to try something new, birthdays and holidays are opportune times. Consider making a birthday banner that the grandkids might even help create. Make one-of-a-kind personalized birthday cards with a picture of the birthday child. Give gift certificates for overnights at grandma’s and grandpa’s house or a special date. Write a letter to your grandchild explaining your excitement when he or she was born. Take your grandchild on a memorable trip or adventure for a milestone birthday.

Organizing an annual cousins’ camp or family reunion at the grandparents’ house or an away-place is a sure way to build memories. Design a family T-shirt for everyone, establish special games and activities such as a scavenger hunt, bingo game or tug-of-war that can be repeated year after year. Make special foods.

Another ongoing memory-maker is to create a family calendar each year with pictures of the family and birthdays highlighted. Invite grandchildren and their parents to submit family photos.

Grandparents can build memories by working on a joint project or developing a mutual hobby like stamp or coin collecting. Grandkids who are into sports love to have their grandparents follow the same sports teams and compare notes.

Grandparents build memories when they invite a grandchild to share in a service project or join them in sponsoring a child from another country. (Check out Christian Foundation for Children and Aging.)

Today, fewer and fewer grandparents and grandchildren live in the same community. A great many of the more than 70 million grandparents in the U.S. are long-distance grandparents. Both parents and grandparents must be creative to keep the two grands connected. E-mail, video calls, texting, cell phones, and snail mail become important avenues for staying in touch. The lines of communication can be kept open by sending stories, jokes, riddles, or creating an ongoing tale by e-mail. One grandmother’s newsy letters to her grandchildren, about God, nature, and everyday family happenings, became a book: “Letters to Grand Children” by Elaine Mayer was published in 2009 by Trafford.

Grandparents are unique models and mentors. The ages of their grandchildren will determine the experiences, activities, and adventures that can be shared. As children grow out of some activities, they will grow into others. Interaction with their grandparents is bound to enrich their lives and leave them with a storehouse of unforgettable memories.

This article is based on a chapter from the Aitchisons’ small-group discussion program, “The Grand Adventure – A New Call to Grandparenting.” More information about this 6-session program, published electronically by The Christian Family Movement, is available on the CFM website.

About the authors 
Deacon Gary and Kay Aitchison live in Ames, Iowa, and have 14 grandchildren. Over the years, they have shared with many parents and grandparents through their involvement in the Christian Family Movement.

How to Pray With Your Spouse: Four Simple Steps

Ever wonder how to pray more intimately with your husband? Wish you were spiritually closer to your wife? Couples can learn a great deal from the Mass about how to pray together as husband and wife and how to deepen their intimacy at the same time. This is because the Mass is the perfect prayer between Christ and His Bride, the Church. Spouses who want to learn how to pray together can begin by following the same basic structure of the Mass. So let’s first look at how the People of God—the Church—pray during Mass and then we will explore four simple steps for praying with your spouse.

Structure of the Mass

The Mass consists of four parts, which include the Introductory Rite, the Liturgy of the Word, the Liturgy of the Eucharist, and the Concluding Rite. In the Introductory Rite, the Church comes together, makes the Sign of the Cross, and asks God for forgiveness, which prepares our hearts for deeper union with God. Next is the Liturgy of the Word, which is when we actively listen to the readings from scripture. This time can be likened to a conversation between Christ and the Church. Christ speaks to us in the readings, and we sing psalms to God from our hearts. Then, in the Liturgy of the Eucharist, Christ and the Church exchange their love with each other. Through the changing of bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ, Jesus is made substantially present to us. He then gives Himself to us in the Eucharist. At the same time, we receive Him and give ourselves back to Him, deepening an intimate union. Finally, the Concluding Rite reminds us to go in peace, glorifying the Lord with our lives.

Four simple steps

Praying with one’s spouse by following the structure of the Mass can be simple and enriching. Here is a four-step process.

Step One: Reconcile and Rejoice

First, set time aside weekly for just the two of you. Come together in a comfortable place or hold hands on a walk. Make the Sign of the Cross and take a moment to focus on being present to each other and to God, as is done at the start of the Mass. As you begin, take time to reconcile. Talk about how you might have hurt each other during the week. Then apologize and offer forgiveness. This will allow you to approach God with open hearts and to be united as you pray. Once you have reconciled, rejoice by offering a short prayer of thanksgiving to God.

Step Two: Discover God Together

Step Two is modeled on the Liturgy of the Word. After reconciling and rejoicing, spend time discovering God together. There are a number of ways to do this. For example, you could read the Bible and talk about the passage. If you don’t know where to begin in the Bible then a good option is to read the Gospel passage that will be proclaimed at the next Sunday Mass. You can find Sunday readings at the USCCB’s Daily Readings.

An additional option is to read the Psalms, which have been called the “book of prayer.” The Psalms express sorrow and joy, fear and hope, longing for God, and praise. By scanning the titles of each Psalm you and your spouse will easily find one that you can relate to. Pray it slowly aloud and then discuss how it stirs your emotions or what it leads you to think about.

Another way to approach God together can simply involve talking about what is on your hearts and minds. What are you thankful for this week? What challenges are creeping up in your life? What do you need from each other and from God? Answer these questions honestly and then offer prayers of petition to God. Remember to give thanks as you see God faithfully answering your prayers.

Step Three: Share Your Love

Step Three relates to the Liturgy of the Eucharist. After discovering God together, you can deepen your prayer and intimacy by sharing your love with each other. Sharing your love in the context of prayer may include a kiss, resting in each other’s arms, caring for an ill spouse, giving words of affirmation, or any other meaningful way you communicate your love. Again, have a thankful heart as your intimacy is deepened in the presence of God.

Step Four: Serve Each Other

As your time together draws to a close, remember to go in peace and to serve the Lord in each other. Prayer and intimacy never end! Let your service and intimacy live on throughout every day, as you go about cooking, cleaning, listening, working, and so on. The fruit that will come from your prayer routine will bless your marriage, deepen your love for God and each other, and allow you to reflect the love relationship between Christ and his beloved spouse, the Church.

About the Author
Dr. Chris Stravitsch is the Founder of Rejoice Counseling Apostolate and Cofounder of the St. John Paul II Foundation. He earned a Doctor of Ministry from The Catholic University of America, where he focused his research on the spiritual formation of couples and families.

Spiritual Direction

One of the great resources of our Catholic tradition, and one that’s in increasing demand today, is the discipline of Spiritual Direction. In order to define what it is, I think it’s important to start with what Spiritual Direction is not. It’s not therapy, nor is it Pastoral Counseling. It’s not sacramental confession and reconciliation, either, although in some cases there is some cross-over between the two.

Spiritual Direction is a process through which one shares one’s spiritual journey with an experienced– and presumably wise– person who has the training and aptitude for careful listening and reflection. It is a conversation in which we endeavor to discern to movement of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and to discern how to respond with integrity to the Spirit’s prompting. Ongoing spiritual direction is virtually a requirement for those in formation for priesthood and religious life, but it is also helpful for anyone facing an important life transition, or struggling with a question of spiritual discernment.

A spiritual director meets regularly with a directee, perhaps once a month. Like other personal relationships, it’s important to find a director whose approach and style are a good fit with your own.

Perhaps the greatest challenge in the field of spiritual direction today is finding a director. Many priests and religious sisters or brothers can provide spiritual direction, but their numbers are far exceeded by the demands for their services. Fortunately, there are formation programs developing around the country to train lay people in the art and practice of spiritual direction. If you think you might benefit from spiritual direction, a good place to start is your local Catholic parish, who may be able to put you in touch with spiritual directors in your area.

A good spiritual director is like having a trusted friend who can hold up a mirror to your life and help you see yourself– and your relationship with God– more clearly.

Why Does a Catholic Wedding Have to Take Place in a Church?

Emily and Jim are planning their spring wedding. They’ve found the perfect site—an historic mansion with lovely grounds that will be in full bloom. They are pleased that their guests can stay in one place for both the wedding and the reception. But there’s one problem: Emily, who was baptized and raised Catholic, would like to marry in a Catholic ceremony. She wants to know how she can find a Catholic priest or deacon who will officiate at the wedding. Even though Jim was baptized and raised Lutheran, he supports Emily in her desire for a Catholic ceremony.

Many couples like Emily and Jim are surprised, and sometimes disappointed, to find out that the Catholic Church normally requires weddings to take place in a Catholic church. Paulist Father Larry Rice explains the reason:

“The Church expects that a wedding, being a solemn and sacramental event, should occur in a church—in sacred space…We Catholics take this notion of sacred space very seriously. That’s why being inside a church feels different from being somewhere else. An atmosphere of peace, reverence, and respect is important to us so that all will feel welcome, and so that a sense of God’s loving presence permeates the place. We believe that weddings are sacred moments, which should ordinarily happen in the place where the bride or groom worships, with their families and their faith community. A church isn’t just a set or backdrop for a wedding; rather, a wedding is an expression of a faith community’s joys and hopes.”

In order to celebrate their sacramental marriage in a place other than a church or oratory, Emily and Jim need to obtain permission to do so. Emily should discuss with her pastor the process for seeking such a permission within the diocese. Such permission is usually given only for serious reasons. Moreover, without such permission, a Catholic priest or deacon who wants to remain in good standing cannot officiate at such a wedding.

Moving Beyond “Healthy” Anger

Christian married couples are called to love their spouses with a Christ-like love that is patient and kind, with no selfish or unjust anger, envy, or other unloving emotions (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

Don, a Christian realtor, does not love his wife Jaimee with a Christ-like love when she forgets to give him a phone message about an important real estate deal. Don yells angrily: “How could you forget the phone message? You’re so inconsiderate! Promise me you will never forget any of my phone messages again!”

St. Francis de Sales warns Christians that anger can turn into hatred. Couples can deal with anger effectively by managing their anger and, most of all, by following Jesus with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues. Anger management helps couples grow from an unhealthy anger to a normal, supposedly healthy anger. Following Jesus virtuously helps couples grow further towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love.

Moving from unhealthy to “healthy” anger

Anger management experts help couples with unhealthy anger move towards a normal “healthy” anger by managing their anger with such things as timeouts, deep breathing, empathy, cognitive therapy, and communication. With “healthy” anger, couples act constructively and reasonably. But they still feel angry at times. They typically experience a few episodes of moderate anger a week, often with some yelling, according to an American Psychological Association report.

“Healthy” anger is better than unhealthy anger. But “healthy” anger is not all it’s cracked up to be. Suppose a couple’s “healthy” anger lingered for the rest of the day or evening, and suppose the couple experienced also a few episodes of “normal” envy every week, and “normal” anxiety, and other negative, un-Christ-like emotions. That’s a lot of negative, un-Christ-like emotional turmoil!

Jesus calls couples to grow from an unhealthy or “healthy” anger towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love. But many anger management experts, and even some Christian marriage experts, say that we cannot help being angry at times, so we are not morally responsible for our angry feelings or for other emotions.

Growth towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love

Jesus can help couples grow towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love. We couples are often morally responsible for our emotions, and we can become Christ-like emotionally. Jesus teaches that “anyone who is angry with his brother will answer for it before the court” (Matt. 5:22). St. Augustine writes that our emotions are morally good if our love is good, and morally evil if our love is evil. St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that our emotions are morally good if they are reasonable, and morally evil if they are unreasonable.

Aquinas explains that we are not morally responsible for the involuntary, irrational, physical elements of our emotions, such as a rapid heart rate, but we are often morally responsible for the voluntary, rational elements of our emotions, such as thoughts and feelings of anger. Most of us become more reasonable and loving emotionally as we grow from infancy to adulthood. During our Terrible Twos we might have thrown temper tantrums if we had not been given Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries for breakfast, but we would not have been morally responsible for this. Adults, however, would ordinarily be morally responsible for temper tantrums like this.

Couples can gradually reduce and eventually eliminate selfish or unjust anger with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues, together with God’s healing and divinizing grace. Aquinas teaches that we can control anger and other emotions with a wise intellect (wisdom) and a loving will (love). Suppose that the realtor Don took a timeout when he was mad at Jaimee for forgetting the phone message, but he still felt angry. With Christian wisdom, Don could come up with reasons for not being mad at Jaimee. He could reason that Jaimee just forgot to give him the message, so she was not trying to hurt him, and everyone forgets things at times. He could reason also that anger usually punishes itself and profits nobody, and that Jesus wants him to treat Jaimee well instead of blasting her angrily.

With Christian love in addition to wisdom, Don could desire and choose to love Jaimee generously instead of getting mad at her. Then he would be following the advice of Francis de Sales that it is better “to find the way to live without anger, than to pretend to make a moderate and discreet use of it.” Here Francis criticizes the “anger management” theories of his times.

Christian couples can gradually reduce and eventually eliminate anger with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues. These virtues kill off anger more powerfully than anger management does–especially if couples commit themselves to following Jesus virtuously in a peaceful and joyful Christian marriage discipleship.

About the author
David Sanderlin (Ph.D., University of Notre Dame) is a retired college professor and author of books and articles on Catholic spirituality, ethics, relationships and other topics.

This article is drawn largely from the author’s Catholic marriage guide, The Christian Way to be Happily Married (Christian Starlight Press, 2010), especially Part III, Chapter 3.

“Courageous” Movie Offers Powerful Message About Fatherhood

Are you looking for a new movie with a compelling message and action-packed police drama? Then check out “Courageous,” which opens around the country on September 30.

Sherwood Pictures produced the film, following up on the success of an earlier release, “Fireproof.” Unique among production companies, Sherwood Pictures is a ministry of Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia. The actors are volunteers, drawn mostly from the church’s ministry. Most of them, especially the leads, turn in professional performances worthy of a mainstream production.

“Courageous” tells the story of four law enforcement officers who bravely face the worst the streets have to offer. At home, however, they’re falling short as dads. One nags his son and brushes off his daughter; another is divorced and hardly sees his child; a third fathered a daughter when he was young and then walked away. It takes a personal tragedy, and more, to help these men recognize and accept their responsibilities as Christian fathers.

Although set in an evangelical Christian context, the film’s message about the importance of fatherhood will resonate with people of all faiths. The filmmakers are encouraging individuals, small groups, and faith communities to use the movie as a springboard to discussion and practical application of its message.

More information and resources are available on the Courageous website.

Why Get Married in a Church?

As someone working full-time in Campus Ministry, one of my frequent responsibilities is preparing couples for marriage. One frequent question I hear from couples is, “Can we get married outside in the park,” or “Can we get married at the country club?” Often what they’re looking for is a location more convenient to their reception, or a place more aesthetically pleasing than the Newman Center or their local parish church.

I usually end up explaining to these couples that the Catholic Church expects that a wedding, being a solemn and sacramental event, should occur in a church—in a sacred space. Usually, that’s something that they understand, and it’s not a problem. Occasionally I hear, “Well, isn’t God present equally everywhere?” To this, I generally respond, “Well, yes, God’s just as present at the bus station downtown, but you wouldn’t want to get married there, would you?”

We Catholics take this notion of sacred space very seriously. That’s why being inside a church feels different from being somewhere else. An atmosphere of peace, reverence, and respect is important to us so that all will feel welcome, and so that a sense of God’s loving presence permeates the place. We believe that weddings are sacred moments, which should ordinarily happen in the place where the bride or groom worships, with their families and their faith community. A church isn’t just a set or backdrop for a wedding; rather a wedding is an expression of a faith community’s joys and hopes.

Of course, there are occasionally special circumstances that might require a wedding in a different location. For that to happen in most dioceses, permission must be granted. The Catholic party should discuss with his or her parish priest the process for seeking such permission. In many places permission is difficult to obtain unless the reason is particularly serious. “I just want to be married outside” is generally not going to be reason enough.

Making “I Do” Work

I love weddings! It’s a good thing because we’re going to a lot of them lately! It never gets old for me…that courageous and touching moment when the beaming couple faces each other and says “for better or worse, for rich or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death…”

Of course, they haven’t got a clue about what that means. Few of us, standing there lighting up the church with smiles on our wedding day, really understood what that promise meant. The promise to “love and honor” one another slowly unfolds over time as we learn to adjust to the fact that our spouse talks excessively in the mornings and we prefer quiet, or that he/she consistently leaves the cap off the toothpaste.

Observers of this annual flurry of summer weddings sometimes ask themselves: “Who in their right mind would ever make a promise like that?” “Why marry?” The not-very-serious response is that you are not in your right mind when you decide to marry…you’re in love and the first stage of love is blind, though sight returns swiftly in the first couple of years.

The more serious response from the Christian perspective is that we believe people choose marriage because God calls them to it. We regard marriage as a vocation, a call to holiness not unlike the call to priesthood or consecrated or single life. Every baptized person is called to be “holy,” to become an image of God and ultimately to reach heaven through whatever pathway they choose whether it be marriage, religious life, ordination or the single life.

Marriage is one way God chooses to continue our development into more patient, loving, self-sacrificing and life-giving people. Marriage is a life laboratory in which we discover the real meaning of faithfulness, belonging, forgiveness and unconditional love. If you have kids, you know that they speed up the learning curve on all these things.

At a recent conference on marriage, I discovered that marriage therapists and academicians who have thoroughly researched marriage have concluded that marriage is also good for you personally, not to mention its many benefits for children. In their book The Case for Marriage based on authoritative research, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher argue that being married is actually better for you physically, materially, and spiritually than being single or divorced. Married people live longer, have better health, earn more money, feel more fulfilled in their lives than people who remain single, cohabit, or get divorced. The book outlines numerous other advantages of marriage both to individuals and to society.

Celebrating wedding days takes on a deeper meaning when one realizes that a couple’s success in married life has vast repercussions not just on them but on all of church and society. In addition to giving gifts and throwing showers, we might all benefit from a more intentional effort to continue our support for married couples long after the wedding. How to do that? Here’s a list to get you started:

  • Remember to celebrate anniversaries, your own and other couples.
  • Read a good book or watch a video program on marriage and share it with another couple.
  • Take your own marriage in for an annual checkup…like attending a retreat or workshop to improve communication skills
  • Support married friends during their difficult times.
  • Trade baby-sitting (or dog-sitting for empty-nesters) so couple friends can get away alone together now and then.

Pray with your spouse, and ask for God’s help. Recent research shows that shared religious practices are predictors of marital stability.

The Unity Candle

Chances are if you’ve been to a wedding in the past couple of decades, you’ve seen something called a “Unity Candle” ceremony. At some point in the ceremony, the parents of the couple being married– or maybe just their mothers– light two small side candles, and then the bride and groom take those candles and light a larger candle. They may or may not blow out the side candles, which, one hopes, doesn’t reflect their feelings about their families of origin.

No one seems really clear about the origin of the Unity Candle. Some claim it was popularized by the 1981 wedding of television’s Luke and Laura on General Hospital, although there’s evidence of its use in the mid-1970s. Some sources claim it was developed as a way to sell couples three pounds of wax for $50 dollars.

In many Catholic churches, the Unity Candle is discouraged or prohibited. It isn’t part of our wedding ritual. Liturgy requires inculturation, but it’s not clear that a Unity candle is part of anyone’s culture.

The fact is, we Catholics already have a powerful symbol of love and unity at our nuptial masses, one that connects us to our families, the whole community of faith, and the communion of saints. We have the Eucharist. For Catholics, that’s a symbol of unity you can’t hold a candle to.

Finances

Perhaps you are approaching marriage on a sound financial footing. You’ve finished your education, have been employed for several years, maybe even have some savings or own a house. Perhaps you are set – or so you think. But having enough money for a comfortable lifestyle is not all that finances in marriage is about.

It’s also about power. It might not seem that way at first. The two of you might have every intention of sharing incomes completely. You certainly don’t see each other as people who will dictate how much money can be spent on a cup of coffee. But weird things can happen when money is merged.

Old memories from our family of origin start to replay in our heads. You may agree that it’s fine if one spouse makes more money than the other. Then the primary wage earner sees the other spending his or her hard-earned cash on something like a $50 hair cut or a round of drinks at the club. One person’s necessity is another’s luxury.

What if you’re not in the enviable position of being financially stable? What if one of you still has student loans or credit card debt to pay off? Mixing debts and uncertain jobs makes marriage even more fragile. You will need much self-discipline, however, to keep strained finances from starting quarrels and poisoning your relationship.

Do financial problems cause divorce?

Financial counselors often point to finances as the most common cause of divorce. That’s only partially true. A study by Jason Carroll of Brigham Young University looked at 600 couples from across the nation from various ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds. According to Carroll, the study showed that “financial problems are as much a result of how we think about money as how we spend it.”

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.”

Money may be the presenting problem that gets a couple to counseling, but the solution is not just to make more money. Rather, couples need to improve communication skills so they can talk about their different ways of spending money and the different values that may underlie their financial decisions.

Carroll’s study found that when at least one spouse is highly materialistic, couples are 40 percent more likely to have financial problems that put a strain on their marriage, regardless of income level. The reason is that the couple expects that their lifestyle will bring them happiness, rather than finding happiness in each other.

What’s your spending personality?

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.” Is one thrifty and the other a spendthrift? If these traits are deep-rooted and significantly different, they can cause major tension and conflict.

If both spouses are spendthrifts the likelihood is that they will face issues of debt management – even if they have a high income – because desires tend to increase just a little beyond our incomes. As John D. Rockefeller said when asked how much money it takes to be really satisfied, “Just a little bit more!”

Of course, if one spouse is high on the spendthrift scale and the other tends toward being a miser, the probability of tension and conflict over money is obvious. It the extremes are not too severe, good communication skills can bring compromise and a healthy balance. It’s wise to have the thrifty, detailed person keep the books and write the checks.

Having two frugal zealots, however, is not necessarily the ideal either. If both spouses are extremely thrifty, they may tend to hold themselves to a very Spartan lifestyle, seldom spending any money on recreation. They may find themselves in a rut of all work and no play.

What’s your shopping style?

Beyond a couple’s basic spending personality, couples sometimes experience tension over their shopping styles. For example, which of the following shopping styles fits you?

  • Utilitarian: I shop for what I need and that’s it. I’m usually in and out of a store quickly.
  • Laissez-faire: When I see something I like, I buy it. I don’t plan for it, I just follow my whim.
  • Bargain Hunter: I check the ads. When something’s on sale, I snatch it and stock up. I feel great when I know I’ve gotten a good deal. Shopping is like a sport for me.
  • Therapy: When I’m in a blue mood, buying something helps me feel better.
  • Recreation: I like to window-shop. I can spend hours shopping alone or with friends.

If your shopping styles conflict, it may be easier just to acknowledge the difference and not shop together.

Who’s got the power?

The complicated thing about money in a marriage is that it’s often tied up with power. We may believe that the person who makes the most money is more valued or should have the greater say in financial decisions. We need to remember that spouses perform many tasks for which they are not paid. They contribute to the marriage and common life in different ways. At times one spouse may be ill or unemployed and not able to contribute financially or in other ways. Spouses need to feel valued and respected in their own home, regardless of how much money they bring in.

Is it ever better to have less money?

In a strong, life-giving marriage, financial responsibility is not just about making money and spending it or saving it. It also includes giving it away – to religious institutions, charities or our neighbors in need. Sometimes living more simply so that others can simply live is the most direct path to satisfaction and happiness.

For Further Reading: