Tag Archives: Young Children

How To Take Young Children to Mass

Sometimes at the end of Mass a parishioner comes up to us and says “Your three children are SO well behaved!” Our standard response is either, “Thank you. We work at it” or “Thank you, some days are better than others.” The “better” days are the product of years of articles and brochures we read on taking children to Mass. Here is the distilled wisdom we rely upon.

Before Church

  • Make sure children are well-fed right before Mass. They do not need to fast, nor will fasting help them to be on their best behavior during Mass. We personally do not think it is appropriate to take snacks into the pew. Our exception to this is a non-spill drink cup that bought us enough time to hear the homily once in a while.
  • Beginning even with the smallest infants, dress them in some special clothing that they wear only for church or other special events. This does not have to be expensive and can be as simple as a nice pair of shoes. It helps them to identify what we do at Mass as different from everyday activity.
  • Check your diaper bag to make sure it is stocked for any possible needs. Consider including a small toy or book that your child sees only on Sunday at Mass. These should be quiet and made of soft material so that they do not distract those around you from their prayer while they are being played with or in case they are dropped.
  • Put on a fresh diaper or visit the bathroom right before walking out the door of your home or into the church.

For toddlers or older children

  • You might read the readings in the car on the way to church. This could even be the job of an older child. Then everyone hears them at least once in case someone has to step out during a portion of the Mass.
  • Before going into the church take a moment to remind children what you are about to do. Make sure they know what their job is at Mass. For us, we say that their job is to be quiet/still, to participate by sharing their voices and to pray. Their job is also not to distract those around them from praying.

At Church

  • Sit up front. Yes, sit even in the first pew if it is appropriate at your parish. It can feel scary and even a little out of control the first few times, but it makes a world of difference for little ones to be able to see the action. Over time it also helps them to understand what is most essential about Mass without the distraction of rows and rows of backsides between them and the altar.
  • We physically hold our children in our arms during Mass. In fact, we adopted the position that our children’s feet do not touch the ground during Mass until they are three years old. This helps in many ways. The children get a get a better view; as they grow and mature we can talk them through the stories and the actions; and we have a bit more control over their behavior. If an infant or toddler gets squirmy, often switching who is holding them is enough to calm them down. Otherwise we might play a quiet game of “point to the…candles, priest, altar, cross, etc.”
  • During their two-year-old year, we begin to let our children stand for a portion of Mass or try sitting next to us quietly, instead of on our laps. Then when they turn three it is a special milestone to be big enough to stand, sit and kneel all on their own (although if they can’t see over the pew we have them stand during the kneeling portions of the Eucharistic Prayer).
  • If an infant or toddler makes a little noise during Mass and settles down right away, try not to feel self-conscious. Most folks except for those closest to you do not even notice. And even if they do notice, give your fellow parishioners credit for being adults who can focus through a small distraction.
  • If a child cries or makes continual noise, it is best to calmly step out of the pew and take the child out of the main assembly until they have calmed down or are quiet. However, it is important to return to the worship space as soon as they are quiet, so that children do not begin to associate poor or disruptive behavior with a pass to get out of Mass. Just stand against the wall until it is appropriate to return to the pew. Our experience is that stepping out and returning even a few times is not nearly as disruptive as a crying baby and parishioners appreciate your consideration of their attempt to pray. Those that are parents understand completely.

After Mass

  • Praise your children abundantly for their good behavior.
  • If they need some improvement, mention briefly how they might do better next week and explain why. Let them know that you will help them by trying to remind them before the next Mass.
  • Answer questions children have about Mass and encourage them to understand the liturgy and its place in our lives.
  • For older children consider taking time to discuss the readings and the homily.

In taking our children to Mass we operate on the principle that we need to teach our children how to be in church as long as it does not distract others around us from their prayer. Some days are better than others, but the gift of passing on how we pray as Catholics is worth all of the challenges.

As parents, and leaders of our domestic church, we are responsible for forming our children in our Catholic faith. There is no more important experience to Catholics than the Mass, so it is crucial to help children understand and participate in liturgy as much as they are able. At times, it has seemed as though the only thing we accomplished at Mass was the exercise of standing and walking with a grumpy baby. But we also know that children do not remain little for long and they rise to our expectations. We will have plenty of opportunities to experience transcendent prayer at Mass when our children are teenagers or out of the house. For now, though, our primary job is to make sure they “get” what happens at Mass. We find that God has found ways to feed us, even on the most difficult of days with a teething toddler.

We acknowledge with immense gratitude Mary Ann Kuharski and Elizabeth A. Ficocelli for articles that made all the difference. Elizabeth Ficocelli’s article “Avoiding Mass Hysteria: Teaching Children to Behave in Church” was published in America Magazine. Her work can be found at www.elizabethficocelli.com.

Surviving the First Year of Parenthood

When a couple discovers that they are expecting their first child, they know (hopefully) that they are in for some tremendous changes. This is the case no matter their age, no matter the size of their home or their income, and no matter how long they have been married. That the birth of the first child marks a time of incredible changes to a couple’s lifestyle and priorities is a universal truth.

In my vocation of marriage, I am called to love God first, my spouse second, and my children third. Not only is this the best thing for my marriage, it is also the best thing for my son. Pope Benedict XVI once asked parents to “first of all remain firm for ever in your reciprocal love: this is the first great gift your children need if they are to grow up serene, acquire self-confidence and thus learn to be capable in turn of authentic and generous love” (Family, 44). My relationship with my husband is my most important relationship on this earth.

The fact is, though, that when you get home from the hospital, there is a very tiny and very needy little person completely depending on your time and energy to survive and thrive. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the needs of your new baby, in learning how to fulfill them, and in attempting to rise above your own feelings of utter and complete exhaustion. What does putting your spouse first and taking care of your marriage look like then? And what does it look like when those first few stressful weeks pass by and life gets “back to normal”– but “normal” is anything but?

Looking back on that first year of my now sixteen-month-old son Charlie’s life, there are certain things that helped my husband Daniel and me to adjust to loving each other in our new life.

Spending Time Together

First of all, spend time together. No kidding, right? Usually this very common piece of advice focuses on the importance of time spent without the baby, but while it is nice to get away for a couple of hours in between nursing sessions, this may not always be practical.

Fortunately, in order to have “quality time” with your spouse, you don’t necessarily need to leave your little one behind. An infant in your arms doesn’t impede adult conversation in any way, doesn’t yet need to be chased around the house, and will usually only cry if there is something wrong that can very easily be fixed. Early on, enjoying a meal or a movie at home with my husband with Charlie close by was much more relaxing for me than being away from him and wondering how he was. Once we put Charlie to bed we had the living room to ourselves, and we made our time together special right where we were, using the space that we had. This was especially important with our preferred sleeping arrangements which put Charlie in our bedroom for almost his entire first year.

Don’t feel as though you have to mentally “get away” from your baby either. Especially if one parent is staying home, avoiding the baby as a topic of discussion so that you can have “adult conversation” probably won’t work. Couples talk about what they are connected to emotionally and their day’s experiences. It is only natural that you will find yourself talking about your child a lot.

Daniel and I have found this to be a great bonding experience. Sharing with each other every day the joys, big and small, that Charlie brings to our lives helps us to remember the miracle– that Almighty God used our love for one another to create a brand new person. We help each other to hold onto that wonder that filled us during the first few hours of getting acquainted with our newborn boy. “That’s your son,” I might say to Daniel as we sit at home watching Charlie play. “Look at the little person he’s becoming.” Holding on to the awe at the miracle of his existence and remembering that this little boy is, in a sense, our love for each other made visible, binds us ever closer together.

A Little “Thank You” Goes a Long Way

Alas, everyday life with an infant isn’t all joyful meditation. In fact, at times it seems that it’s all sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a baby-shaped weight glued to your hip while dishes pile up on the counters. It is in this everyday existence that it often becomes difficult for me to see beyond the tip of my own nose to realize that my husband is also tired and stressed, and it is in this everyday existence that the little things can go a very long way.

For example, don’t let anything go without thanks, whether it is for your spouse cleaning up from dinner or going to work every day to provide for your little family. Other affirmations are appreciated, too. When I watch Daniel reading a story to Charlie and think about what a good daddy he is, I try to tell him so. It is so uplifting to be on the receiving end of these kinds of affirmations. One day I had just sat down on the couch to nurse eleven-month-old Charlie. “I know I see it all the time,” Daniel said as he gazed lovingly at the two of us, “but it’s still so precious.” This was so special to me that I still feel myself glowing just thinking about it.

The gift of facilitating personal time is another thing that is extremely appreciated. I’m talking about when Daniel takes care of Charlie to give me time for a leisurely shower, or wakes up with Charlie in the morning and takes him into the living room to play so that I can have an extra half hour of sleep. To a sleep-deprived mom (or dad), there really is no better way to say “I love you.”

These are all ways that spouses can take care of each other and help one another to adjust during the first year of parenthood. I saved the most important for last, though, and that concerns the rock of faith that marriage should be built on. Attend Mass together. Pray and read Scripture together. Share your feelings and struggles, without fear of how they may be taken. Lift up your spouse in your personal prayer. Also, do things according to the way God designed them, through the practices of natural family planning and, if you can, breastfeeding. With God as the rock you cling to, your love will weather this and every storm that comes your way. Really, though, I can hardly call the first year of my firstborn’s life a storm; it has brought way more joy than it has destruction.

Wanted: A Handbook for Mothers

The thing about being a mom is that you never really know how it’s going to go until you find yourself in the middle of it. About a year after we were married, I went to the doctor because I had a daily case of mild nausea that just wouldn’t quit. She informed me that I was three months pregnant.

Still in shock the following morning, I walked into work as white as a ghost. After telling my co-workers, they laughed and said, “Oh honey! We’ve known that for months.”

Before I became a mom I knew babies were cute but I never wanted to hold them or get too close. I thought puppies and kittens were far more endearing. All that changed the minute I laid eyes on our first child. With this tiny miracle in my arms, I had discovered the definition of love.

Surprisingly, I was pretty good at the baby/toddler stages. All day long, I’d scoop them up in my arms and cover them with kisses. I could basically solve any issue with a cookie and a book. But as the years progressed, kisses, cookies and books were no longer effective problem solvers.

Our four children were boys with similar interests but individually, they were uniquely wired. Just when I thought I had the “Mom Game” figured out, the rules seem to change and I was back to reading the directions.

I have to hand it to our sons; they were relentless when they wanted something. One afternoon I was having an argument with one of them. We were standing in the kitchen and although I am unable to remember the contentious issue, I vividly recall that for every legitimate, rational answer I had, he had a legitimate, rational response. We were getting nowhere. Suddenly, in the midst of the yelling, I had a light bulb moment.

I quietly said, “You think I know what I am doing.” He looked at me as if I had three heads and said, “Well, you act like you know what you are doing!” “Exactly,” I said. “I am acting. I do not know what I am doing.”

My honest admission altered our relationship. From that day on, I was able to share the undeniable fact with all our boys that although I did not have a “Bonanno Mothering Handbook” to follow, I was giving it my very best shot. To foster a bit of empathy, I always added, “Believe it or not, someday you will find yourself in the same spot.”

Years ago I was playing in the yard with our boys and feeling a bit discouraged. Watching us from her window, my elderly neighbor came out, walked gingerly across the grass, leaned over the fence and said, “I wish I had enjoyed my children the way you do.” Encouragement is a beautiful thing. It’s what moms do best.

Whether we’re mothering our own children or the child of a family member or friend, once God plants the seed of a child’s love in our hearts, we will forever nurture, comfort and hold them in prayer.

And as all mothers know, we will also be periodically confounded and eagerly searching for those ever evasive mothering handbooks and directions.

Do Children Really Make a Marriage Less Happy?

In Church teaching, children are called the “Crown” of marriage, but those same documents also call children the “Cross” of marriage. Experienced parents can testify that children brought happiness and satisfaction to their lives, but they know it is not easy to raise a family. Research confirms that marital happiness suffers when children arrive. Think about those early years, and you would know what they theologians and scientists are talking about.

New studies indicate that the “happiness gap” is relatively small. Bryan Caplan, professor of economics at George Mason University, believes that the pros outweigh the cons. He cites the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey, which says that, while every additional child makes parents just 1.3 percentage points less likely to be “very happy,” the estimated happiness boost of marriage is about 18 percentage points.

“A closer look at the General Social Survey also reveals that child No. 1 does almost all the damage. Otherwise identical people with one child instead of none are 5.6 percentage points less likely to be very happy. Beyond that, additional children are almost a happiness free lunch. Each child after the first reduces your probability of being very happy by a mere 0.6 percentage points,” Caplain says. He cites decades’ worth of twin and adoption research to point out that children are shaped by more factors than how attentive their parents are.

Since he is an economist, Caplan expresses himself in how much capital parents expend in childrearing: “If you think that your kids’ future rests in your hands, you’ll probably make many painful ‘investments’ –and feel guilty that you didn’t do more. Once you realize that your kids’ future largely rests in their own hands, you can give yourself a guilt-free break.” Caplain will publish a book in 2011, Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids.

In the parenting years, spouses will find that patience and time together are rare commodities. Although the additional demands of parenting can draw a couple closer together in their joint project, this seldom happens automatically. In their book Marrying Well, Catholic marriage experts James and Evelyn Whitehead suggest ways to moderate the strain of parenting: “We can talk things out more often, we can reexamine the way we use our time and money and energy, we can try to be clearer about our real priorities as a family, we can change some of the patterns that do not work very well.”

Parenting is hard work, but spouses are not destined to decline into unsatisfying relationships when children are in the picture. They can choose how they will respond to the challenge. In the process, each person can gain maturity and each can grow in appreciation of the other’s developing abilities. As James and Evelyn Whitehead, say “Being parents together can call out in each of us qualities of generosity and inventiveness that make us even more loveable to one another. I learn there is a playfulness in you that I have not seen so well before; you come to cherish the breadth of my care. Our commitment to each other is strengthened as our lives are woven together in patterns of concern and joy and responsibility for our children.”

Take heart! In time, your “crown” will rest easier on your brow. It helps to recognize that parenting years are one season in the life of a marriage. Children eventually grow up and leave home. Studies also show that the “empty nest” is associated with significant improvement in marital happiness for all parents. God is merciful!

Reprinted with permission. ACT Newsletter, Christian Family Movement-USA, 2010.

Parenting to Beat the Bedtime Blues

The Situation

My wife and I have been happily married for eight years and are absolutely enamored of our 3-year-old daughter, Mary. We both work stressful jobs, and we are tired from doing household tasks and playing with Mary once we’re home. We need a few minutes to sit and talk before we go to bed. However, once we tuck her in, Mary just won’t stay in bed. We stick to a routine that includes brushing teeth and a story, but she constantly gets out of bed, asks for a glass of water, or complains about an imaginary tummy ache. We are exhausted and frustrated, plus we argue about the best way to handle these nighttime travails. We vacillate between comforting Mary, demanding that she go back to bed, and criticizing each other’s parenting style. It’s beginning to wear on our relationship. What can we do to preserve our sanity and get a little quality time with each other at night?

A Response

You are right that in order to keep your marriage healthy, you need to nurture yourselves in addition to taking care of your child. Bedtime can be especially stressful. For Mary, that means the end of stimulating interaction and attention. At the same time, you are looking forward to a few minutes of downtime yourselves before you fall into bed.

You are off to a good start by keeping a routine. Spending 20 minutes or so on the rituals that lead up to bedtime can help your child know what is coming and recall the sequence that leads to sleep. Unless that isn’t what happens! If you read a second book or deliver water to her bedside when she whines, those behaviors become part of the routine, too.

Here are a few steps that might help:

  • Make sure your child knows what is expected of her. Tell her that once she is in bed, you want her to stay there, even if she can’t go to sleep right away.
  • Give your child choices both you and she can live with, but that help her to feel in control. For instance, ask if she’d like to take her doll or her panda to bed (the choice is which item goes with her, not whether she is going at all.)
  • Make conditions conducive for sleeping. Turn the lights low, pull the door at least partway shut, and keep noise to a minimum. Be careful that your child doesn’t overhear your disagreements about how to manage her behavior. Arguments between parents tend to increase a child’s concern.
  • If your daughter has an ingrained habit of popping out of bed once she’s put there, try a firm approach: Simply carry her back–no words, no anger, just calm action. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. The behavior usually disappears within a few nights.
  • If Mary seems truly fearful, she may need a more soothing approach to shaping her stay-in-bed behavior. After you’ve read to Mary and turned off the light, pat her back for a few minutes to help her relax. Then, tell her you’ll be back in a few minutes if she stays in her bed. Leave for just a minute so you are sure she will still be in bed when you return, then tell her you are glad she stayed in bed, pat her back again for a minute, and leave again, offering the same thing. If she gets out of bed, put her back in bed without patting, tell her to stay there and that you’ll be back soon (you’ll need to decrease the interval again at this point). Walk out very briefly so she’s in bed when you return, and let her know you are pleased. Keep doing this until you find her asleep. Over the next few nights, gradually increase the interval you stay away each time, so she learns to relax and fall asleep on her own.
  • Once a bedtime routine is established, consider taking turns putting Mary to bed, to allow individual closeness as well as offering the other spouse a break. If Mary knows you will both stick with the same routine and give the same answer once she’s tucked into bed, you will minimize the number of trips either of you needs to make back to her room.
  • If these simple strategies don’t help, consider seeking assistance from a child psychologist, who can help tailor an approach to your particular situation.

Finally, because evenings can be tiring and leave little time for you as a couple, it is important to keep perspective about how much nightly downtime you will be able to squeak out when your children are little. To recharge your relationship, plan ahead for times when you can focus on each other. Consider setting up a regular date night. Remember that this time in your child’s life is brief and things will get better. A little effort to shape appropriate behavior now will avoid bigger problems later on. If you work as a team, you’ll be better able to play as a team, too.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

About the author
Lynda is a clinical psychologist and is on staff at the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Omaha. She and her husband Jim have been married 28 years and have two daughters.