Tag Archives: Work-Life Balance

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

Read more Marriage Rx prescriptions.

How to Make Moral Decisions

The Situation

Jeanne and Joe are engaged and will be married next year. They both have been working for several years, and are dedicated to their jobs. They are interested in both building their careers and their family life. They have agreed that their work outside the home should be valued equally, even after they have children.

Recently, Jeanne received exciting news. She was offered a major promotion, a job that would give her more visibility in her company and give them extra money to help pay for wedding expenses, furniture, and other necessities for their new apartment. The job offer sounds promising; Jeanne loves a challenge and considers herself up to the task of taking on significant new responsibilities. The new position, however, involves some potential drawbacks:

There would be considerable overtime associated with it. Her predecessor told her that he used to work at least 55 hours per week. Because this job is salaried rather than hourly, he did not receive overtime pay. In reality, the large increase in pay is reduced by the fact that she won’t get extra money for overtime.

The position involves one to two full weeks of travel per month.

How do Jeanne and Joe make a good decision about whether or not Jeanne should accept the position?

A Response

Sharing values and trying to discern God’s will when making moral decisions are critical elements in any Christian marriage. Over the course of a lifetime, couples make moral decisions on major life choices such as Jeanne and Joe face plus other more daily decisions about life style, use of time, talent, and money, and relationships with family and friends. Making a moral decision about an issue involves engaging in a process of prayerful reflection, conversation, and evaluation before reaching a conclusion.

People of faith should consider the following steps:

  1. Begin by opening your heart and mind to God in prayer. Ask for the grace to follow God’s will.
  2. Gather information to make a well-informed decision. Take advantage of articles, websites, and other resources. What does Church teaching say?
  3. Consult trusted advisors to gain clarity about the issue. Family members and friends can be sounding boards, but remember that in challenging situations, it might be difficult for them to maintain objectivity Parish staff or counselors might be able to assist if a situation is particularly difficult.
  4. If a decision involves both partners, make the decision together. It is crucial to come to consensus about decisions affecting both of you.
  5. Be open to reevaluate the decision after a time.

Keeping these steps in mind, how should Jeanne and Joe proceed?

They should celebrate Jeanne’s accomplishments. She has been recognized for her talent and dedication to her job. Whether or not she takes the promotion, both Jeanne and Joe should enjoy her recognition.

As people of faith, Jeanne and Joe should take time to pray for help in making this important decision. They might ask God to help them appreciate the positive and negative elements of this opportunity.

Jeanne and Joe must decide whether or not the new job will be good for Jeanne as a person and both of them as a couple. One way to do that is to write down the pros and cons of the situation. Ask the following questions: What impact will the changing responsibilities have on their relationship? For example, will considerable overtime have a negative impact on their time together? Is this impact worth the sacrifice? How much more money will she actually make when she moves from an hourly position to a salaried position? How do they feel about so much business travel? What is the impact when a couple is trying to establish their marriage and maintain a difficult travel schedule?

If Jeanne and Joe can’t come to agreement about the decision, they should consider getting help. If they are not already connected with their local parish, they will find helpful people there.

Having prayed and carefully weighed the pros and cons, they need to make the best decision they can. Both Jeanne and Joe must be willing to accept the decision, and must agree not to blame or point fingers if it doesn’t work out exactly as they thought it would.

Finally, Jeanne and Joe should agree to reevaluate the decision at a future date. In light of their experience, they should ask: Was this a good decision? Should they rethink it and begin the decision making process again? Agreeing to a reevaluation time helps keep the lines of communication open, and helps couples to understand that they do not have to be locked into a decision forever.

Remember, in many decisions, there is no crystal clear correct choice. Making a moral decision involves weighing options and arriving at the best solution possible at the time. However, when a couple agrees on basic life and faith values, and is willing to engage in a process of moral decision making, they can be confident about their choice, whatever it is.

Read more Marriage Rx articles.

Perseverance: Love Never Ends

When Courtney crossed the stage to receive her diploma a small crowd in the hall exploded in applause. Her husband Stan cheered loudly, standing with both hands in the air. Exiting the stage, she looked up, pointed to Stan and blew a kiss.

That said it all!

They both knew this moment was a joint victory for them, the culmination of a “steady persistent course of action…in spite of difficulties and discouragement” [perseverance, Webster’s dictionary]. While writing papers and completing an internship, Courtney worked part-time, sharing care of their 18-month-old son with Stan, who worked one and a half jobs to make ends meet.

When they married, they agreed to support each other in completing their education and career plans. But they didn’t anticipate the monetary or emotional cost: days without a decent conversation, weekends without time for relaxation or intimacy, less money for clothes and entertainment, periods of resentment and self-pity. Courtney and Stan faced an unanticipated challenge together yet succeeded in fulfilling their dream for a better future.

Stan and Courtney are models of perseverance. So, too, are Dick and Nancy, who emerged from Dick’s stroke with a radically altered life style, and Imelda and Jose, who worked round-the-clock for three years to start their small business.

With a divorce rate of almost 50%, it’s inspiring to meet couples who struggle, facing difficulties and overcoming them with a stronger partnership and a deeper commitment to their marriage. What makes such perseverance possible for some and not for others? Is it just a matter of gutting it out or is there some magic formula for which challenges yield stronger relationships?

Every couple I have ever known has times when they are disillusioned, angry, depressed, tired, or just plain ready to give up. It could be over money, work, kids, alcohol, the house, sports, sex, or in-laws. Why do some couples persevere and others give up trying to make things work?

As I talk with both newly marrieds and seasoned couples, three things seem to be present in couples who persevere through difficult times.

The first is the ability to hope. Hope in marriage is about believing in a shared but unseen future. Hope is more than optimism. Hope that perseveres is an orientation of the spirit that springs from a source beyond us. To endure, couples need a positive vision to work toward when the present moment looks grim.

When Amy was on bed rest at the end of her pregnancy and Tom was picking up the slack, their hope in the possibility of a healthy baby got them through. When Dick couldn’t walk after his stroke, he and Nancy hoped for future good times with their grandchildren. The scriptures emphasize the importance of hope. “For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance” (Romans 8:24-25).

The second key to perseverance is the ability of both spouses to sacrifice for a better future. While Courtney worked evenings, Stan gave up his poker night with the guys to babysit. There were no vacations, expensive concerts or pricey bottles of wine during graduate school.

Noted marriage researcher Scott Stanley’s studies of sacrifice in marriage show that when both spouses are willing to sacrifice it is a powerful way of expressing love for each other. Sacrifice says what is good for you is important to me. I love you enough to give up my own time and energy for your good. For Imelda and Jose, it meant not having new clothes or nice furniture for almost three years so that all their resources could be invested in a growing business that could support their family in the future.

The third characteristic of persevering couples is faith—in themselves, in one another and in God. Until they faced difficulties, Patrice and Sheldon were unaware that God was with them in their marriage relationship. But when the going got tough, they began to ask for God’s help in resolving their bitter fights and arguments. They experienced being changed through prayer and confidence in God’s power within them.

“It wasn’t like a bolt of lightning or anything,” commented Sheldon. “I had prayed for help at work and when playing sports, so I started to pray for help at home. Then we started to pray together. That led us to learning new ways of communicating with each other. We just slowly began to realize that we couldn’t overcome this by ourselves because we were both part of the problem.” Even when we have only a tiny bit of faith in ourselves or in God, prayer can sustain us.

Courtney and Stan’s graduation celebration, like the success of Jose and Imelda in persevering through difficult times, is directly related to the promise they made on their wedding day to love and honor each other forever. Today, when many have lost confidence in married love, they prove it is possible!

When couples persevere, they bring this unique steadfast love into their families, their communities and into the world. It is encouraging to see that the love St. Paul speaks about in his letter to the Corinthians is possible for all of us: “Love is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never ends ” (Corinthians 13:7,8).

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Careers

At first, it probably sounds simple. Get a job to pay the bills so we can live happily ever after. But jobs take a lot of time and sometimes that time is stolen from the time that the marriage relationship needs.

Factor in that there are jobs and then there are careers and things get even more complicated. Generally, a job is considered something one does for pay, but it does not necessarily require specialized education. A career is a job that you get paid for. It requires dedication to the field of work, plus you are expected to progress in knowledge and commitment over time.

Careers are usually more satisfying than jobs. The rub for married couples is when the career decisions of one spouse conflict or compete with the marriage, family responsibilities, or the career of the other spouse. It’s a matter of discernment and juggling. The balancing act is often not easy. Following are some things to consider when making career decisions.

How much money do we need?

Ignore the temptation to give the flip answer “as much as possible.” A need is different from a want. Sure, it might be nice to have a swimming pool, a fancy car, or an upscale address (choose your luxury), but what is really necessary are the basics: food, clothing, shelter, health care, safety, and care for any children you may have. It’s OK to splurge occasionally but be sure to weigh the cost against the impact these things will have on couple and family time.

Should both of us work outside the home?

This is a complicated question with many variables, such as:

1. How necessary is the double income to survive?

2. How invested are each of us in our jobs or careers?

  • Would it be possible for one of us to take a leave from our career for a time and re-enter without undue penalty later?
  • Could one of us work part-time?
  • Could each of us work half-time?
  • Could one of us stay current in our field and feel fulfilled by doing volunteer work?

3. Do we have young children, teens, or aging parents who need attention and personalized supervision?

4. If we have young children, do we have reliable childcare providers who share our values and discipline beliefs?

5. Do we both strongly want to work outside the home?

What if our careers create conflict between us?

Some careers may put a marriage at risk because they are all-consuming. The job becomes a mistress or an addiction. It not only takes time but also energy, away from the marriage. Sometimes the workplace provides the temptation to pursue an extramarital affair. Following are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Does your career require a time commitment of significantly over 40 hours per week?

2. Does your career require a lot of out-of-town travel?

3. Is your career so foreign to your spouse that it’s hard to share the nature of your work, at least in a general way?

4. Does your spouse’s work setting put him/her in frequent, intense working relationships with the opposite sex? Are your marital commitment and boundaries clear? Does the workplace support your marriage or put it at risk?

What are some ways to keep work, marriage, and family in balance?

Generally, work and children take their time off the top of a relationship. Work provides necessary income and includes built-in accountability, i.e. a boss, wages, and reviews. Children make demands, plus we are responsible for their well-being.

The challenge is to give work and children their due but to balance them with what’s needed to keep a marriage strong. The temptation is to let the marriage go on autopilot because you’re both adults, you know you love each other, and you can let it slide for a while when jobs or kids are demanding your time. The key phrase is “for a while.” Indeed, most marriages can absorb temporary spurts of attention to an urgent work project or an ailing parent. But it’s easy for a temporary crisis to slide into an ongoing pattern. To avoid this it’s helpful to have some regular marital practices that can prevent the balance from getting out of hand. For example:

1. Commit to a weekly date. This might not always involve spending money or going out, but it should be a sacred time to renew your relationship and do something fun together.

2. Agree on how many hours of extra work (at the office or brought home) you can tolerate as a couple. Where do you draw the line and say it’s time to look for a different job?

3. Share what you love and hate about your work with your spouse so you stay connected with each other.

4. If necessary, lower your housekeeping standards (or pay someone to do chores you could do yourselves) to maximize couple/family time.

5. Include your spouse in work travel and parties when possible.

6. Staggering work schedules to minimize child care can be good for your relationship with your child but hard on the marriage. Make sure that your only together time is not while one is sleeping.

7. If you need to gain couple-time, say no to nice but non-essential tasks such as:

  • baking cookies for the PTA
  • chairing a charity fundraiser
  • going to events that you can’t do as a couple
  • going to events that you don’t really care about but are in the habit of attending
  • TV, videos, and computer gaming- can be time wasters

Prioritize

There are so many important and wonderful things we want to do with our time. How do we decide what to do and what to give up or do later?

The bottom line is:

  1. Marriage first (This is the vocation to which you committed yourself.)
  2. Children second (Your children may take more raw time, but not at the expense of your marriage. A healthy marriage is good for your children.)
  3. Job third (Again, your job may take more hours, but don’t let it rule your life.)
  4. Service and Recreation (Good and healthy to do, but make sure the other bases are covered.)

For Further Reading:

Balancing Careers and Family

Balancing career and family is one of the greatest challenges facing newly married couples. Just when you thought marriage was going to simplify your life, you start to realize that there are decisions ahead, such as:

  • Whose career takes priority?
  • Will both of us continue to work outside the home once we have children?
  • Is it fair for me to be stuck in a dead-end job in order to put you through school?
  • Will the spouse with the higher income have more say in how our money is spent?
  • If you work and I work, who does the housework?

Don’t lock yourselves into a house or car payment that requires two incomes.

All of a sudden, wedding planning looks minor by comparison. And it should, because these are big decisions that affect your future lives together. But you don’t have to make them alone and you don’t have to make them in a vacuum.

This website cannot give you personalized career advice, but we can pass on the wisdom of many practitioners in the field of marriage enrichment. One frequent question that comes up in marriage preparation programs is:

Should one spouse quit work when children are born?

Answer: Maybe yes, maybe no.

It certainly helps to have one parent at home nurture and raise the child according to the values you hold. It makes life a lot easier and less stressful.

On the other hand, this is not always financially or professionally possible. A lot depends on your income and job. Also, some parents don’t have the temperament to spend many hours with young children. It can be draining and exhausting.

Like many couples, you may want to keep your options open. To do this, family life educators often recommend that if both spouses are employed when you get married, try to live on one spouse’s income. Use the second income for one-time purchases such as a down payment on a house or furniture, savings, or optional recreation. Don’t lock yourselves into a house or car payment that requires two incomes. This way, when you have your first child you are free to choose. You may have always expected that both of you would continue working outside the home once you had a child. BUT…you may feel differently once parental instincts kick in. You may not change your minds, but at least you have a choice.