Tag Archives: Real Life Stories

Chapter Five: Parenting with the Strength of God

“Parenting is demanding” (no. 79). I don’t know anyone who would disagree with this statement. In fact a typical response, even from an adolescent, would be, “No kidding!” As a parent (father), of many children, the word “demanding” often seems like an understatement. Parenting is not for the faint of heart, nor is marriage. Marriage and children are great gifts, and can bring untold joy, yet they do not come without their challenges. St. Francis de Sales wrote: “The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other: it is a perpetual exercise of mortification.” Of course I do not want to dis-sway anyone from getting married and having children, but I think it is good to be aware before going into it. Before you get married, you should humbly recognize that you and your future spouse cannot make marriage work all on our own, but instead see that “with God all things are possible” (Mt 19:26). Christian marriage and family life is about being open to “God’s grace in daily life … even in the midst of fatigue and domestic chaos” (no. 79). It is indeed in those very moments, of the ordinary, mundane, little, and the seemingly insignificant circumstances of life, that we as parents are able to experience “divine love” in a way that is unparalleled.

My wife and I had two children, and greatly desired another. After several months of “trying,” we were elated with the wonderful news that my wife was pregnant. This elation was soon replaced with intense anxiety from numerous threats of miscarriage. My wife was put on bed rest for the first three months because that seemed to be the only way to maintain the pregnancy. It was a stressful time for me, balancing care for her and our two young boys, keeping the house relatively clean, and working full time. But all of this became grace-filled. Those months, and others like them, served as a constant reminder to me and my wife that, as St. Paul taught, “When I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10). I found myself often meditating on the preceding verse, “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9). I knew that I could not do it on my own. As an imperfect parent I certainly “need help and strength from God, family, parish, and friends” (no. 80). My wife and I received this aid through great outpourings in the least expected ways, from meals to babysitting to—my favorite—friends who cleaned our home for us. These memories are treasures we share with our children and hope they pass on to theirs. How will you allow your domestic routine and life be “places were the Spirit shines through” (no. 80)?

Eventually my wife was taken off bed rest, the pregnancy progressed nicely and we were blessed with the birth of our third son—who had to be induced, somewhat ironically, two weeks past his due date.

About the author
Tim Roder is married and the father of six children. He is the Associate Director of the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth serving the Subcommittee for the Promotion and Defense of Marriage. Tim holds a BA and MA in Catholic Theology and has work professionally for the Church for 20 years.

World Meeting of Families Catechesis Series
The USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth is excited about the World Meeting of Families (WMOF) being held in Philadelphia in September 2015. We are presenting a series of short articles focused on the WMOF Catechesis Love is our Mission: The Family Fully Alive and its implications for our daily lives. We will follow the timing suggested by the Archdiocese of Philadelphia by exploring one theme each month leading up to the World Meeting.

To see the rest of the monthly articles click here.

A Marriage Bonded by Love and Faith

Barnes PhotoHe is laid back, she is outgoing. He likes to relax at home, she likes to go out and have fun. He’s pretty quiet, she’s a conversationalist. He has two left feet, she can cut a rug. He is short, she is tall. You would think with all of these differences, they would make quite an odd couple. But they have one thing in common that makes them a match made in heaven. That commonality is an abiding love of God. How do we know? Well, this couple is us.

When we met in April 2005, we had no idea how our lives were about to change. We fell in love quickly and decided to get engaged. Then in July, Marc’s father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. And in August, the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina struck. While we were trying to get to know each other, we were also dealing with some very difficult pressures. We managed by reading the Bible together…every day. We asked God for guidance because we did not know what path we were being led to take. One thing became clear to both of us. God put us together and we just had to figure out the rest.

Our faith is the glue that keeps everything together. We never make a big decision without praying about it and when there are challenges, we deal with them straight on. But it hasn’t always been easy. There have been times when things could have gone the other way, both before we were married and after. When those times came, we discussed the issues, we looked for Bible verses that addressed what we were going through and we prayed. We were always able to figure it out. Now that we know each other well, those more difficult times don’t happen as often, but when they do, we turn to God.

We are very different people with different interests and sometimes even different expectations. We deal with those differences by communicating them. Marc is usually the one who forces the conversations. Kiki always (although sometimes reluctantly) opens up. We don’t yell. We just discuss. And we are honest about what we are feeling. We respect our differences. Sometimes we playfully tease each other about them. We never discuss a winner or loser in a disagreement and when it’s over, it’s over. We find the compromise and move forward.

We consider each other God’s gift to us. If you are considering marriage, consider if you are willing to compromise for your future spouse. Sometimes that means conceding. Are you willing to do that? Be completely honest, even when it’s hard. Is your fiancé/e God’s gift to you? And when you are married and difficulties occur, first turn to God. Then put in the hard work of communication, counseling and compromise. This, along with the strength of your faith and your love for each other will get you through. We are a living testament.

About the authors
Marc is the Vice President for Institutional Advancement at Dillard University. He enjoys running and weight lifting during his spare time. Kiki Baker Barnes, Ph. D. is the Athletic Director at Dillard University. In her leisure, she enjoys learning how to play the electric bass guitar. Marc and Kiki Barnes have a daughter and son. They will celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary in November 2015.

A Bittersweet Bucket List

Usually when people say that a goal is on their “bucket list” it means that sometime in the as-yet-unplanned, perhaps even distant, future, they’ll hopefully get around to doing something they always wanted to do before they die: memory-making, picture-taking adventures like hang-gliding, traveling to an exotic land, or even writing one’s first novel.

But today I learned about a very different bucket list. Dan and Jenna Haley, young, faith-filled parents from Philadelphia, are expecting their first-born child next month. In April, they learned that their son, Shane Michael, has anencephaly which means that he is missing parts of his brain and possibly skull, and so is not expected to live long. Depending on the severity of his condition, doctors say he may survive as little as a few hours or may live over a year. To celebrate him during Jenna’s pregnancy, they crafted a bucket list of their own favorite things to do. In a local news story, Dan said: “Most families wait until their baby is born to start making memories and traveling to places with them. We…knew that our time with our son could be very limited, so we wanted to make the most of the time that we had with him.”

At the time of this writing, Shane Michael is 35 weeks old in Jenna’s womb, and has been with his parents to many of the places that were significant to them as children: zoos, Delaware beaches, and an aquarium. He’s ridden the famous Wildwood, NJ, ferris wheel, attended family baseball games, and been with his praying parents at the shrines of St. John Neumann and St. Rita. He’s “met” the Phillies and the Flyers, enjoyed Geno’s cheesesteaks, and made a field trip up to New York City, where they visited the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building, among other sites. He and his parents were also honored by friends and family members with a “shower of love” – a different kind of baby shower surrounding these courageous parents with encouragement and support, as well as affection for their little, severely disabled boy.

The Haleys have openly shared their adventures with over 100,000 followers on their “Prayers for Shane” Facebook page. They write: “We are asking for your prayers and support and that God grants us as much time as possible with our beautiful son. Shane has already proven to us that each day must be lived to the fullest and that is exactly what our little family is doing.”

What an incredible witness to the dignity of life! This beautiful couple resisted not only any pressure to abort Shane because of his medical condition, but also the temptation to hide him from the world. Their story shows that every person deserves to be loved. In sharing their bittersweet journey with others, they have shared their son Shane Michael with a huge community who, in turn, have rallied around the couple in their joys, sorrows, and fears. May their story be an encouragement to other families facing adverse prenatal diagnoses.

About the author
Deirdre A. McQuade is Assistant Director for Policy & Communications at the Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities, U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. This article originally appeared in the Life Issues Forum and is reposted by permission.

Things You’ll Wish You Knew Before ‘I Do’

One of my favorite parts of my engagement to my fiancé George, (whom I met on CatholicMatch), came after I said, “Yes.” In the days and weeks following that sunny Saturday in June, treasured nuggets of information began to trickle out from our family and friends, cluing me into the behind the scenes planning that led to George on bended knee.

For weeks, my laid-back then-boyfriend carefully crafted a proposal involving our closest family and friends. From contacting my best friend and her husband to take photos and video footage to coordinating an engagement party at one of our favorite restaurants and swearing everyone to secrecy, he planned every detail, including the perfect location—under the iconic arches at our shared alma mater.

He was intentional and purposeful as he prepared to ask me to be his wife, even incorporating details from my carefully-laid hints during our courtship. Perhaps subconsciously, George was setting the foundation for our time as an engaged couple preparing for the sacrament of marriage and later, our journey as husband and wife.

We’re approaching this life-changing commitment in a different way than many of those around us. I’ve posted before about our wedding plans from choosing the venue to booking our honeymoon, but at the core of each of these choices is a focus on why we’re doing each of these things.

I’m called to be George’s wife and he’s called to be my husband. That’s a reality that goes beyond each of us, and we still do not know exactly what impact our union will have on each other, those around us and the rest of the world. What I do know is that we’re intentionally creating a marriage, not a wedding, through each month leading up to “I do.”

We’re intentionally doing marriage prep. Intentionally not cohabitating. Intentionally planning the wedding Mass. Intentionally planning a life based on faith.

Weddings are commonplace in our society, but not marriages. Among my peer group, I hear many reasons of why couples get married, and in so many instances, they accidentally fall into married life because of outside circumstances and not the prompting of the Holy Spirit. For some, they’re living together already and presume marriage is the next logical step in life. For others, they’re struggling with finances individually and hope that two combined incomes are better than one. Or maybe they just think they’re at the age where they should be married. And so they move forward, promising “‘til death do us part” at a wedding ceremony that they happen to be a part of.

Catholic writer Matthew Warner wrote about accidental living in a recent issue of the magazine Shalom Tidings:

“You were made to live intentionally. You were made to choose how you live your life, not to let life simply happen to you…If life is just happening to you, then you are caught up in the mire and mediocrity of accidental living. An accidental life will never be fulfilling to a creature that was made to choose.”

Just as we were made to choose a life that honors God, we were made to make intentional choices in all other aspects of life, including whom you marry. Living an intentional life is not taking the reins and being in control of every detail of your life. It’s choosing to allow God into your heart to guide you in all of your actions and decisions.

In our careers, we don’t expect promotions to get handed to us. We have to make a series of choices to prove ourselves along the way. You don’t accidentally find yourself in a dream career, even if every stepping stone magically aligned in the perfect way.

The same applies for relationships. You don’t accidentally find yourself in a happy, spiritually-centered marriage. You have to intentionally choose to search for the spouse God has planned for you (like by joining CatholicMatch!) and then live that call out with purpose.

Addressing volunteers at World Youth Day, Pope Francis encourages all of us to fight against the temptation of accidental living to not only follow God’s plan for each of us, but to live a life of happiness:

“God calls you to make definitive choices, and He has a plan for each of you: to discover that plan and to respond to your vocation is to move forward toward personal fulfillment…Have the courage to swim against the tide. And also have the courage to be happy.”
– Pope Francis, Sunday, July 28, 2013

Don’t walk through life waiting for the next accident to occur. Live each day with intention—intention to bring glory to God through your future marriage and your life.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

Signs of Grace

The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes grace as the “free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God.” My husband, Frank, and I have experienced God’s “undeserved help,” as we have wrestled with His plan for our family. We now know it was God’s grace that guided our journey.

Frank and I met in our work place soon after college. Our first date was at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, my fortune cookie read, “Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.” Frank thought it was the coolest thing ever—I wondered if it was a setup! From that unexpected beginning, we married and had five children almost immediately. Because of our family size, people often assumed that we were “good Catholics,” thinking that we had always accepted the Church’s teaching prohibiting contraception. In our case that assumption would be wrong. We had used contraception despite the fact that the priest who prepared us for marriage taught us Church teachings. We stopped using contraception only to have our first baby,Emily. We did the same for our second child, Madeline, and our third child, Sam.

Around the time that Sam was born, Frank and I became involved in youth ministry. This prompted me to question our own contraceptive behavior. If we had to explain the Church’s teachings on chastity, I thought, we should follow them ourselves! I quickly ordered Natural Family Planning (NFP) books and signed up for the local diocesan class. Before class began however, I skimmed through the book and started tracking my menstrual cycle on a calendar. One romantic evening soon after that, with total disregard for the calendar , we conceived our twins, Caroline and Sophia.

Having five babies within six years was extremely overwhelming. Without hesitation I forgot about NFP and got a prescription for birth control pills. Something quite unexpected then happened. During these years using contraception I lost my sexual desire for my husband. Sex became one more thing I had to do for somebody. In addition, Frank and I began to fight about sex. Needless to say, this was upsetting—I loved my husband and I often prayed that God would help us!

In this difficult period a new parish priest came into our lives. With every examination of conscience in preparation for the Sacrament of Reconciliation he would bring up contraception. I would immediately dismiss the subject. “That teaching doesn’t apply to us,” I thought, “we have five kids!” And yet, this new priest ’s comments stuck with me and my heart remained restless. The turning point for me happened after a conversation about sterilization.

One of our friends had been sterilized and asked me when Frank would “get snipped.” Without missing a beat, I said, “Maybe for my birthday.” The fact that I so easily thought of sterilization got me thinking— how could I, we , decide to do something so major without talking about it and praying? Soon after this realization, I wondered why we were not open to having another child. I found myself offering simple prayers asking God to help us. It was the first time that I had asked God for guidance regarding our fertility. From that simple step , God began to send signs though neighbors, family and friends.

Soon after that, I spoke with our new parish priest about my concerns. He confirmed that the Church’s teachings were true and gave me CDs and books to learn more. At the same time, I kept receiving signs about having a sixth child. For example, when we were out to dinner I complimented a woman about the behavior of her five children. She thanked me and mentioned that her sixth child was away at college. At a parish meeting I saw an old friend who commented that she thought I had a new baby. She had not known we were discerning. I shared these and other experiences with our new parish priest and asked if they were signs from God. He said if they were, they would not stop coming. Father’s words could not have been more true—the signs kept coming.

Meanwhile, Frank and I signed up for NFP class. It may sound like an exaggeration, but from the first day we began using NFP everything immediately felt different. Frank would set the alarm, take my temperature, and re cord the numbers on the chart. I felt so taken care of. I felt a tenderness that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I liked that he was learning about my body. It was helpful that he knew where I was in my cycle, especially during difficult days. I came to understand this total love and acceptance in a deeper way.

As we lived the NFP lifestyle, we began to realize that all of our reasons for avoiding pregnancy were “earthly”— we would need a new car, a bigger house, and more money for everything. An unexpected encounter with an old man in a donut shop broke through our hesitation. “So, how many kids do you have?” I asked. “Three boys and three girls,” he responded. I got the biggest smile on my face, called my husband to share the story, and that evening our precious son,Thomas Anthony, was conceived.

It is by the grace of God that we have our children and a redeemed sex life as well. My husband, Frank, and I have learned that our sexual union should be focused on giving rather than getting. NFP provided the environment to live this out. We are so grateful that we now have the kind of marital union that God had planned for us! I t has changed our lives so much that we became NFP teachers to spread the good news.

Now that we use NFP, we see our married life as always having an opportunity to love like God loves. Of course, God provides the grace, and we must choose to participate with Him. I am convinced that there is something about getting the sexual element of marriage “right with God” that ends up affecting everything. Marital union is the marriage vows made flesh and every act of intercourse is a renewal of these vows. Only a union centered on God and His will in our lives will truly satisfy the desires of our hearts!

About the author
Jennifer, her husband Frank, and their six children are from the Diocese of Cleveland.

Surviving the First Year of Parenthood

When a couple discovers that they are expecting their first child, they know (hopefully) that they are in for some tremendous changes. This is the case no matter their age, no matter the size of their home or their income, and no matter how long they have been married. That the birth of the first child marks a time of incredible changes to a couple’s lifestyle and priorities is a universal truth.

In my vocation of marriage, I am called to love God first, my spouse second, and my children third. Not only is this the best thing for my marriage, it is also the best thing for my son. Pope Benedict XVI once asked parents to “first of all remain firm for ever in your reciprocal love: this is the first great gift your children need if they are to grow up serene, acquire self-confidence and thus learn to be capable in turn of authentic and generous love” (Family, 44). My relationship with my husband is my most important relationship on this earth.

The fact is, though, that when you get home from the hospital, there is a very tiny and very needy little person completely depending on your time and energy to survive and thrive. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the needs of your new baby, in learning how to fulfill them, and in attempting to rise above your own feelings of utter and complete exhaustion. What does putting your spouse first and taking care of your marriage look like then? And what does it look like when those first few stressful weeks pass by and life gets “back to normal”– but “normal” is anything but?

Looking back on that first year of my now sixteen-month-old son Charlie’s life, there are certain things that helped my husband Daniel and me to adjust to loving each other in our new life.

Spending Time Together

First of all, spend time together. No kidding, right? Usually this very common piece of advice focuses on the importance of time spent without the baby, but while it is nice to get away for a couple of hours in between nursing sessions, this may not always be practical.

Fortunately, in order to have “quality time” with your spouse, you don’t necessarily need to leave your little one behind. An infant in your arms doesn’t impede adult conversation in any way, doesn’t yet need to be chased around the house, and will usually only cry if there is something wrong that can very easily be fixed. Early on, enjoying a meal or a movie at home with my husband with Charlie close by was much more relaxing for me than being away from him and wondering how he was. Once we put Charlie to bed we had the living room to ourselves, and we made our time together special right where we were, using the space that we had. This was especially important with our preferred sleeping arrangements which put Charlie in our bedroom for almost his entire first year.

Don’t feel as though you have to mentally “get away” from your baby either. Especially if one parent is staying home, avoiding the baby as a topic of discussion so that you can have “adult conversation” probably won’t work. Couples talk about what they are connected to emotionally and their day’s experiences. It is only natural that you will find yourself talking about your child a lot.

Daniel and I have found this to be a great bonding experience. Sharing with each other every day the joys, big and small, that Charlie brings to our lives helps us to remember the miracle– that Almighty God used our love for one another to create a brand new person. We help each other to hold onto that wonder that filled us during the first few hours of getting acquainted with our newborn boy. “That’s your son,” I might say to Daniel as we sit at home watching Charlie play. “Look at the little person he’s becoming.” Holding on to the awe at the miracle of his existence and remembering that this little boy is, in a sense, our love for each other made visible, binds us ever closer together.

A Little “Thank You” Goes a Long Way

Alas, everyday life with an infant isn’t all joyful meditation. In fact, at times it seems that it’s all sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a baby-shaped weight glued to your hip while dishes pile up on the counters. It is in this everyday existence that it often becomes difficult for me to see beyond the tip of my own nose to realize that my husband is also tired and stressed, and it is in this everyday existence that the little things can go a very long way.

For example, don’t let anything go without thanks, whether it is for your spouse cleaning up from dinner or going to work every day to provide for your little family. Other affirmations are appreciated, too. When I watch Daniel reading a story to Charlie and think about what a good daddy he is, I try to tell him so. It is so uplifting to be on the receiving end of these kinds of affirmations. One day I had just sat down on the couch to nurse eleven-month-old Charlie. “I know I see it all the time,” Daniel said as he gazed lovingly at the two of us, “but it’s still so precious.” This was so special to me that I still feel myself glowing just thinking about it.

The gift of facilitating personal time is another thing that is extremely appreciated. I’m talking about when Daniel takes care of Charlie to give me time for a leisurely shower, or wakes up with Charlie in the morning and takes him into the living room to play so that I can have an extra half hour of sleep. To a sleep-deprived mom (or dad), there really is no better way to say “I love you.”

These are all ways that spouses can take care of each other and help one another to adjust during the first year of parenthood. I saved the most important for last, though, and that concerns the rock of faith that marriage should be built on. Attend Mass together. Pray and read Scripture together. Share your feelings and struggles, without fear of how they may be taken. Lift up your spouse in your personal prayer. Also, do things according to the way God designed them, through the practices of natural family planning and, if you can, breastfeeding. With God as the rock you cling to, your love will weather this and every storm that comes your way. Really, though, I can hardly call the first year of my firstborn’s life a storm; it has brought way more joy than it has destruction.

My Husband the Gentleman

Even before I knew it by name, I have always believed chivalry to be very important. When I was a teenager, it was on my list of characteristics and qualities that I found particularly appealing in boys. This might sound crazy, but “yes,” I really did have a list, and I really did go over it with a pencil and check it off whenever a new boy caught my attention. This li st included everything from “is Catholic” and “has a relationship with God” to “likes kids,” “makes me laugh” and “my parents like him.” Seriously, close to the top of the list I wrote, “is chivalrous.”

In being on the watch for chivalry for so long, one of the first things that attracted me to my future husband, Daniel, was that he was an almost perfect gentleman (I say “almost” because no one is perfect—but I happen to think my Daniel is pretty darn close). When Daniel was with me, I never found myself opening a car door or any other door. If his arms were empty, mine immediately were cleared of whatever they were carrying (except for my purse, of course—he wouldn’t carry that!). As the years went by, none of these chivalrous habits disappeared. Daniel wasn’t trying to impress me during our courtship. He’s just a gentleman, pure and simple.

Now that we’re married, there’s an even more meaningful way that Daniel has been able to be a gentleman for me. In our experience with Natural Family Planning, I can tell you that I feel so respected and well cared-for by my husband in a very big way. He would never treat my healthy body, working perfectly as God designed it, as though it was diseased and in n eed of being “fixed” just to be sexually more available to him at all times.

In addition, Daniel would never encourage me to put my health at risk. Many dangerous side effects result in using hormonal contraception. In fact, something is not quite right when people take a daily pill or wear a patch in order to prevent a healthy reproductive organ from working properly. Contraception is not the way to go and I have a wonderful, chivalrous gentleman who knows that!

This pretty much sums up what I’m getting at: one day over the summer, Daniel said to me, “I’m really glad that we don’t use contraception. I feel like that would really cause me to see you as more of an object. You don’t deserve that.”

That is my “knight in shining armor.” I’m so glad I put chivalry on my list!

This article was adapted from “Sarah’s Blog,” ForYourMarriage.org, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, 2009. It is used here with permission.

My Slogan: “Practice Saved Sex!”

I am a journalist and a convert. That sounds like an oxymoron.

Two years after joining the Catholic Church, my wife and I began practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP). I found that the chastity required to get through the periods of abstinence caused profound changes in me. I stopped daydreaming of swimsuit models, wealth and fame. I became grateful for all God had given me, most of all for my wife. My appreciation for her and all that she gives me grew, improving an already good 20-year marriage.

I was curious to find out if other people had been so affected. This is where the journalist and the convert converged. I interview NFP couples and read thousands of words on conjugal union and the effects of contraception on the relationship between men and women. So for five years I thought about nothing but sex, except during the hockey playoffs. This was a challenge to chastity, but the result was a book, Natural Family Planning Blessed Our Marriage: 19 True Stories (Servant Books).

Here is what I learned. When women took control of fertility with the pill and the IUD in the mid 1960s to the mid-1970s, men said “cool.” Men’s behavior changed, as they no longer felt responsible for their sexual partners. (This can be seen in the disappearance of shotgun marriages.)

There was an accompanying drop in commitment between men and women. Trust between the sexes fell because men no longer acted in expected patterns.

When you add in the increase in women’s wages and the decrease in men’s wages, you created couples who are neither financially nor sexually interdependent. This is why, social scientists say, the divorce rate doubled in that time frame.

NFP can repair the damage. Men acknowledge responsibility to their wives. Commitment increases because the couples know when pregnancy is likely before they make love. Their trust increases: she trusts he will fulfill his obligations when he assents to sex; he trusts she is making accurate observations of her fertility and is keeping him informed.

He develops a sense of awe in the way God made her, and she develops a sense of gratitude that he is willing to sacrifice his own pleasure for her sake. And both grow in their love and trust in God when they see the plan for sex and marriage that He built into their bodies. I have seen and experienced how using Natural Family Planning can make a difference in marriage. That should come as no surprise because it’s God’s way to practice responsible parenthood it’s His design for life and love!

About the author
Fletcher Doyle is the author of Natural Family Planning Blessed Our Marriage, (Servant Books). He and his wife live in the Diocese of Buffalo.

“Just Wait”: A Letter from a Newlywed Couple

Photo by Mike Nelson, www.mknlsn.com.

Dear The Dating, The Engaged, The Married,

Valerie: “Just wait. It’ll get worse when you’re married.” “Just wait until you’ve been married for a year…” “Just wait until the seven year itch…“ “Just wait until you’ve been married as long as we have…”

The “just wait until…” scale seems to be sliding further and further away no matter how long you’ve been married. My husband, Rocco, and I have been married for a little over a year and a half and are determined to tell anyone who will listen just how amazing marriage is! Marriage is a gift from God!

Rocco: I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “Oh, you’re engaged? Congratulations, but just wait for marriage…” or “Oh, you’re newlyweds? Congratulations, but just wait until after the ‘honeymoon’ phase…” These are messages delivered with a sense of impending doom. At work or elsewhere, these “just waits” are often accompanied by comments about “the old ball and chain,” snide remarks about spouses, and all kinds of dubious marriage advice.

Valerie: I guess we are never quite married long enough to be considered to know what married life is like, but we would disagree. At no point do Rocco and I think we know everything about marriage. We are learning more and more about one another and about married life every day. But to those who are engaged, to those who are dating, to those who believe their vocation is to one day get married, to those who have already spoken those vows, take heart: Marriage is an amazing, life changing, ridiculously fun adventure!

Rocco: I’m on a mission: God created me to love Val and sacrifice my life for her. He created her to be my perfect match and for those whom God calls to the vocation of marriage, He’s created a perfect match for you as well. Forget anything you’ve heard from people who’ve become disillusioned and instead “just wait” for the joy, the excitement, the laughter, and the sheer fun of what’s to come!

Just wait… until you come home and your husband, who has just come home from work, has the fire going in the fireplace, Christmas lights plugged in and hot chocolate set out for you.

Just wait…until you come home to a house full of balloons and a gigantic card on your birthday and you realize how hard your wife worked to see your joy and that she’s been planning this moment for a long time.

Just wait… until the first snow since you’ve been married and your husband goes outside and creates a huge heart in the road to show you from the upstairs window.

Just wait… until she hatches a plan to feed the homeless and you remember how much you love her generosity and compassion.

Just wait… until you find the love note he hid around the house for you to find during the day.

Just wait… until you get to open your lunch bag to read the love note she wrote you that morning.

Just wait… until your husband comes home from work and the first thing he does is run, literally run, to find you, lift you up in an embrace, spin you around, and give you a “hello” kiss.

Just wait… until you see your wife waving from the window as you come home from work, with a huge smile on her face, so happy to see you, and she surprises you with a scrumptious meal, a clean house, and plans for the future: fruit of a grueling day while you were at work, and all out of love.

Just wait… until your husband pulls a dozen beautiful red roses from behind his back, in the middle of the week, for no other reason than he loves you and knows you love surprises.

Just wait… until when you serve food for the two of you and she insists you have the warmer dinner, the choicest portion of meat, and the bigger cookie, just because she loves to see you smile.

Just wait… until he changes his routine and brings his laptop over to work with you on the couch because he knows you enjoy his presence.

Just wait… until you two really realize for the first time that you are not just “her” family, not just “your” family, but your own family.

Just wait… until your husband tells you every day that you’re his most beautiful bride and he’s the luckiest guy in the world.

Just wait… until she giggles every time you surprise her with kisses on her cheek.

Just wait… until your husband asks to hold a friend’s baby for the first time, and he instantly melts, and you are reminded for the billionth time how good of a dad he will be one day.

Just wait… until you see your wife cradling a friend’s infant in her arms, and she instantly knows everything to do to calm him, and you are reminded for the billionth time how good of a mom she will be one day.

Just wait… because you have so much joy ahead of you…

About the authors
Valerie is a worship leader in the Washington, DC area and is the music director for campus ministry at George Washington University. (www.valerierepetski.com) Rocco is an engineer and does youth ministry with Youth Apostles, a community of Catholic men. (www.youthapostles.org) Valerie and Rocco also do ministry with their Catholic rock band, The Restless. (www.therestless.net) This article originally appeared on http://valerierepetski.com/blog/ and is used with permission.

A Lesson In Love From Our Dying Son

In the fall of 2011, my husband Patrick and I had been married for eight years and our family was rapidly growing. Our oldest child had just turned six and we were expecting our fifth child in December. John Paul was born on December 6, 2011. We knew immediately that something was very wrong. The delivery itself was traumatic, during which his arm was broken. When he was finally delivered, he didn’t make a sound. He couldn’t breathe. He was barely moving. He was whisked away to the neonatal intensive care unit. In the days and weeks that followed, we gradually started to understand the severity of John Paul’s condition. When he was 5 weeks old, he was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). We learned that SMA was a genetic, progressive, and terminal neuromuscular disorder. Gradually, every muscle in John Paul’s body would weaken and eventually waste away. Usually, death is caused by complications from a common cold because of respiratory weakness. You can imagine how we felt being told that our son would die from complications of a common cold, knowing that we had four children at home, several of whom were not yet adept at covering their mouths and noses when they sneezed or coughed.

Of course, Pat and I were devastated. We were trying to wrap our heads and hearts around the reality that confronted us. At the same time, we were also quickly falling desperately in love with our son. We saw his first smiles and he could even hold my finger in his hand. During our time in the NICU, it was a rollercoaster of singing lullabies and whispering sweet nothings one minute and the next using emergency procedures to bring his oxygen saturation levels back to normal because he couldn’t clear his airway the way most people do by swallowing or coughing.

We had gleaned some hope from families that we had been put in contact with who had children with the same diagnosis. They were living at home with their families, growing, learning and loving despite their weak bodies and many medical issues. In many cases, they were living way past what doctors were anticipating. We desperately wanted that for JP. We wanted our other kids to get to know their new brother and we wanted JP to feel the love and joy of a home and his family.

When he was 7 weeks old, JP had surgery for a G-tube, to enable us to feed him with a feeding pump and a tracheostomy because he required constant breathing support from a ventilator. When he was 3 months old, we brought him home.

It was beautiful to see the other kids interacting with him. Joey learned to use the suction machine and would practice reading to him, Liam loved learning to do his physical therapy exercises with him, Madie danced for him, and Ben would kiss him and play peek-a-boo. At every meal, they would fight over whose turn it was to give him his medicine or hook up his bag of formula to his g-tube port. This was our “new normal” and we loved it.

We also had some pretty major struggles in getting adequate nursing care and ended up doing much of his 24-hour care ourselves, taking shifts through the night on weekends, frequently jumping from bed to assist a nurse in clearing his airway and helping him recover his oxygen saturations to normal levels, taking him to appointments with just about every specialist you could name. He was hospitalized several times for infections. We also observed him quickly losing strength. Within a few months of his homecoming, he had lost the ability to smile, what little movement he had in his fingers disappeared and he was increasingly losing eye control.

Having a child who was so medically fragile introduced new challenges to our marriage as well. Never before was communication so critical. In some ways, it was easier to understand where the other was coming from. We were more sympathetic and patient because we were both going through the same sleep deprivation, emotional exhaustion, and tension of caring for a child whose life was not a given from one moment to the next. We were more unified and accommodating, and we literally knew where the other was at any given moment. John Paul gave us opportunities to love each other in new ways, like delaying waking the other when it was time for the 2 a.m. shift change or making sure the other got “snuggle time” with JP. We were reporting to each other when we needed to step away from John Paul’s side so that the other was “on call.” We also literally didn’t have the emotional energy for petty fighting. Did both of us snap sometimes in exhaustion, stress or frustration? Absolutely, but neither of us put that much weight on it. We both knew we were as vulnerable to the same weaknesses. Things that weren’t critical to the mission were quickly forgotten.

In other areas, our communication was more difficult than it ever had been. We had to make decisions about the future of our family and about how to do what was best for our son who was on life support, and we didn’t always agree. Little by little we learned that even when we disagreed quite strongly about the course we felt our family should take, we had to respect and trust the intentions and heart of the other. Resolutions were not always made overnight. Ultimately, because we both truly did have the interest of John Paul and the entire family in the forefront, when action needed to be taken, we were able to see eye to eye with time and prayer.

In February of 2013, we learned that much of John Paul’s brain had wasted. There were also new concerns that he had developed a type of nerve cancer. With a lot of prayer and peace, we discerned that God was calling John Paul home. On February 20, 2013, our parish priest said a Mass in our family room and, surrounded by family and songs of praise, JP joined the saints in heaven.

It has been a little over a year since John Paul died. Pat and I are learning how to support each other in the different ways we grieve. We are learning to be better listeners and better sharers. There is a deeper bond between us now. I can only compare it to what I imagine the bond is like between two soldiers who are fighting in the trenches together. I say “fighting” because even though John Paul isn’t with us now, the war is not over yet. It won’t be until we are both reunited with our little boy. There are plenty of battles left to fight and only God knows what they will involve. They may include more children with SMA. They may include more healthy children with other struggles. They will include the challenge of helping our children get to heaven.

Many times in the last two years, it took getting to that breaking point, whether it was feeling like getting adequate nursing care was impossible, receiving yet another call with bad test results from a doctor, or snapping at my husband in exhaustion, before I surrendered the circumstances to God. Ultimately, God did work everything out, but had I trusted Him with it sooner, perhaps I could have appreciated His hand in those moments rather than in retrospect. There are many statistics about the damage the death of a child can do to a marriage. Sadly, I don’t doubt their validity but it is a number that is unnecessarily high. When God gives us more than we can handle, it is because He wants us to entrust it to Him, and let Him take care of it. We can only fail if we try to do it alone. Of course, the myth is in thinking that we can do anything without God. Whether it is sharing the last piece of cake or burying a one-year-old son, we constantly rely on the grace that God gives us in our vocation to get our spouse and children to heaven.

Related Articles
“Spiritual Help for Grieving Parents” by Charley Monaghan

About the author 
Elena Kilner is the author of Letters to John Paul: A Mother Discovers God’s Love in Her Suffering Child, http://mooringspress.com/letterstojohnpaul.html.

About the photo
Patrick and Elena Kilner with their children, used with permission.