Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

How Financial Difficulties Affect Marriage

Pete and Jenny were married for seven years when Pete’s job was downsized. He was out of work for eight months while car payments, school debt and credit card bills piled up. Jenny worked overtime and Pete got a part time job at night while job searching during the day. Their personal differences in spending, saving and accounting for money made it difficult to face their money problems. Panicked that they might lose their home, they sat down with a financial counselor and created a plan that cut extras, including their son’s piano lessons, pedicures for Jenny, and Pete’s summer fishing trip.

In retrospect they both agreed it was a time of disillusionment and stress that almost ended their marriage. Tensions erupted in ill-tempered arguments over little things. Anger, resentment, self-pity: they experienced it all.

They also recognized that the crisis pulled them together in adversity. It helped them learn new ways to disagree without fighting andto set priorities. When short on money, they found creative ways to enjoy life and make sacrifices for their future together. They admitted that all of those things brought them closer to each other than they had ever been. Their financial struggle was a life-shaping lesson in what it means to be married “for better, for worse.”

The economic downturn is putting stress on marriages at every income level. Whether it’s a job eliminated in an automobile plant or stock losses in the retirement portfolio, unwelcome lifestyle changes have become necessary for many people. Major economic worries affect both individual well-being and the couple relationship. The apprehension connected with unpaid bills, credit card debt and possible job or home loss seems to bring out the worst in people. Anger about money spills over into other areas. Communication breaks down. Differences in money habits begin to surface and blaming each other erodes affection.

Serious money problems can cause panic and apprehension and bring many couples to the brink of divorce. But other couples are growing through the difficulty, finding ways to use their differing skills as a team to overcome adversity. When I asked couples who survived how they managed their money crisis, here is what they said.

We got professional advice.

The money issue became an ugly power struggle. A financial advisor helped us be objective about what needed to be done. He helped us create a plan and set goals for ourselves. State and local agencies provided free or low cost advice and support to help us meet our goals. Friends of ours read a book on finances and gathered with other couples who were trying to manage their money problems.

On our wedding day, we said we’d be faithful “for better for worse.” This was the “for worse” and we’re better off for having survived it.

We took a serious look at our individual approaches to money because we couldn’t agree on anything.

He’s a saver, I’m a spender. We found an easy-to-use tool, called MONEY HABITUDES, that helped us explore the strengths and weaknesses of our own attitudes and habits about money. Information is available at www.moneyhabitudes.com. HABITUDES helped us understand and respect each other more and it has spilled over into other aspects of our relationship.

We stopped the blame game.

Blame eroded the team spirit needed to overcome the crisis. We were on opposite sides battling each other instead of battling the problem. We started working together on carrying out our financial plan, each making personal changes when needed.

One of the blessings given to us at our wedding liturgy was to have the experience of “two becoming one” in mind, body and spirit. We caught a glimpse of what that meant. We had different ways of handling money, but we wanted a future together and we both took responsibility for that.

We visited a marriage counselor several times.

We were fighting constantly and couldn’t talk without bitterness and misunderstanding. We realized that there were other issues lying dormant under the financial problems. Our counseling sessions helped us recognize destructive patterns in the way we were communicating and treating each other. We were so scared we might not make it, that we prayed to God for help. It was humbling, but critically helpful in getting us through the worst of times.

The current financial crisis isn’t simply a money problem and no one particular strategy works for every couple. Couples may have to explore several solutions or start all over after a failure. But this crisis provides an opportunity to assess and strengthen the relationship. The current economic downturn is a test of the partnership that has been forming over the years and of the commitment to a future together. It measures the ability to make changes in oneself for the benefit of the marriage.

This crisis forces the maturity questions: “What is the difference between what I want and what I need?” “Can I delay gratification out of love for another?”

It raises marriage questions. “Are our common priorities as important to me as my own personal agenda?” It’s important to know my own needs, but essential to create a budget for “our” future. “Can I change my ways for the good of this marriage, this family?” “Do I trust that God is with us in this struggle and will provide help if we ask?”

Money in marriage is connected to everything else: communication, sex, spirituality, health. The rising unemployment rate, crumbling housing market, and credit crunch are bad news, but opportunity lies right beneath the surface of the rough water. The opportunity is to face adversity together, to renew trust in God and in each other and to build a stronger marriage that overcomes the test of time. There is no greater treasure than that.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is an author and teacher who conducts workshops and retreats nationally and internationally on marital spirituality. She is the author of “For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring the Holy Mystery of Marriage.”

When Rain Drenches a Marriage

Despite chill and rain plus forecasts of possible snow during this year’s diocesan Wedding Anniversary Celebration, couples streamed into the Cathedral that afternoon. Their bright eyes and spring attire contrasted with the gloomy weather. On that day, honoring their twenty-five and fifty years of matrimony, they looked so radiant one would think their marriages were made in heaven and dwelt there ever after.

More than likely these couples had survived lots of damp, dreary days. All marriages have their stormy seasons and years. The blissful days of early marriage succumb at some point to disillusionment. For some couples, the honeymoon ends quickly, while others do not notice dark clouds for five, ten, or twenty-five years. Life-cycle issues such as the stress of raising children, changes demanded during adolescent years, the need to develop a mature adult relationship when the children leave home, and other factors can dim romance. Besides making spouses miserable, unmanaged disillusionment can swamp a marriage.

Disillusionment proceeds from the perception that one’s spouse is not the dreamboat that first captured the lover’s heart and that this marriage is not the ecstasy anticipated. Sunshine, smiles, and “sweet nothings” are battered by high winds and icy retorts. As disenchantment deepens husband and wife become filled with negative feelings and prone to distorted thinking.

Given the inevitable bad weather in marriage, how can couples survive disillusionment and create a marriage that is still satisfying on their golden anniversary? Although disillusionment is about an illusory dream (of the self, spouse, and marriage), it can also be a divine gift. Consider that God is revealing that what we thought our marriage would be is not expansive enough. Our illusion is a shadow of God’s dream that our marriage be a deep friendship, an intimacy that mirrors the relationship of the Trinity, a passionate and fruitful love. Disillusionment may be God’s cold water thrown on our complacency.

A couple who shares a sense of their marriage’s purpose allows God’s rain to nurture seeds of deeper commitment. Realizing that marriage is more than one-plus-one and that their love and fidelity form a holy sign for their families and larger community offsets discouragement. Focusing on the significance of the marriage for their children’s well-being (backed by social science data) can help a couple endure some difficult years. Talking about the future and sharing a positive vision for their marriage helps strengthen commitment for the long term.

A spouse suffering disillusionment must take personal responsibility. A look in the mirror can be revealing. Am I blaming this unhappy face on my spouse? What needs and wants do I expect my partner to take care of? How does my behavior affect my spouse? Am I trying to build the spouse I imagined instead of accepting the one I married?

Secondly, listen to your spouse without defending or rebutting. Check whether you have heard accurately. Share your own feelings and hopes honestly. Husbands and wives can take positive steps to counteract disillusionment and reinvigorate their marital friendship.

For example:

  • Do something nice for your spouse: say thank you, write a love note, prepare a candlelight dinner for two, offer ordinary tasks as a prayer for the other.
  • When conflict flares, call “time out” and arrange to talk when you will be calmer and free of distractions.
  • Approach problems as a team.
  • Spend some time outdoors together every week and make time for fun.
  • If you are Catholic, avail yourself of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist.
  • Do something different together: go on a date, share prayer, plan a day trip or vacation, bake bread, take dancing lessons.
  • Go to a communication workshop, marriage enrichment weekend, or couple’s retreat.
  • Make your wedding anniversary special without incurring too much cost.

Recent research shows that more than eighty percent of couples who described themselves as “unhappy” indicated five years later that they were happier, most rating their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy” (Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage). Simply enduring the difficult years has merit, yet a couple can better handle disillusionment by actively building commitment and rediscovering what their marriage is meant to be – even on rainy days.

Career Conflicts

The Situation

Julie and Jason thought they had it all worked out. When they were dating they had talked about how important it was to both of them to pursue their careers after marriage. Julie is a lawyer and Jason works in the IT industry. They even reconfirmed their intentions during their marriage preparation program. They knew they wanted to have children but they thought they could do it all. After all, Julie had gone to day care while her mother worked and Jason figured that with their combined incomes they could afford high quality day care when the time came.

Well, the time has come. Julie recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and they are both enthralled with their new role as parents. The problem? Julie has really bonded with little Jemima and she’s rethinking their decision. She finds it hard to imagine leaving Jemima when her three- month maternity leave is up.

Jason also has bonded with Jemima and certainly wants the best for his wife and new baby, but he’s practical. Their mortgage is based on both of them working full time and besides, with so many people being laid off, he’s not sure his own job is secure. On the other hand, quality day care is expensive. They wonder if they can afford it even with two salaries. How would you advise Julie and Jason?

A Response

It would be tempting to say that Jason and Julie should have anticipated this possibility and not bought a house dependent on two incomes. Perhaps they should have tried to live on one income and used the other salary for one time or discretionary purchases. This would have given them the freedom for one of them to quit work should a change of heart arise. Tempting, but they can’t undo the past. It also would be nice if their baby wasn’t born in the midst of a recession, but they, like most of us, have little control over such matters and certainly couldn’t have predicted it.

A more helpful and realistic approach would be to weigh carefully the various competing values. As in many moral dilemmas there may be several goods or problems that contend for priority.

Certainly Julie and Jason want to use the skills they’ve spent a long time honing. Not only are most careers personally fulfilling, many contribute to serving humanity. To work is an honorable and necessary part of life. As Scripture says, “The laborer deserves his wages” (Lk 10:7).

On the other hand, parenting is a career in itself. It takes intense devotion and time to raise a child. Not every parent feels parental instincts to the same degree, but strong instincts are not easily ignored, nor should they be. Then there is the value of wanting to be responsible parents. Caring for a child requires presence AND money. So we have the values of self-fulfillment, sacrificing time and money to care for a child, and making money to pay for a child’s needs.

When goods such as these conflict, consider the following steps when making a decision of conscience.

1. Gather the facts. How much money do Julie and Jason really need to make ends meet? If one of them puts his or her job on hold for a period of time, they will lose income but they may also save on work-related expenses. Plus, they wouldn’t have to pay for day care. Do the math. What would the bottom line budget look like?

2. Assess the emotional facts. Both Jason and Julie need to be honest with each other about their feelings. How guilty would Julie feel if she left Jemima to go back to her career right now? How fearful is Jason about losing income? Do either of them feel guilty or betrayed by Julie’s change of view? How regretful might Julie feel later if she postponed her career and found it hard to resume? Knowing the strength of these feelings doesn’t solve the problem but it helps them understand the motivations behind their differing positions.

3. Assess the alternatives. Is there any middle ground? Is a part time job a possibility? Would downsizing their lifestyle make it possible to make ends meet financially? Would it be possible for Jason to put his career on hold? Is the issue mostly Julie’s maternal instinct of wanting to be with Jemima or is it her larger concern of having someone else raise their child?

4. Consult others with experience. Sometimes choices feel so complex that it’s hard to evaluate. Here’s where other experienced parents can be helpful. Don’t just talk to the stay-at-home moms, however, or converse only with those who have decided on dual careers. Talk with both, especially those who hold different views from your own. They help check our rationalizations.

5. Bring it to the Lord. When decisions are confusing, bringing them to prayer can help us see more clearly. It’s not that we expect to hear a voice or get an e-mail from God. Prayer isn’t magic, but it can be powerful. Placing our worries, confusion, and hopes before God can bring clarity and peace. Prayer is a place of complete honesty since God knows our heart. There’s no reason to pretend or hide our motivations. Praying as a couple over this decision can help Julie and Jason to see the options clearly and generously. It can also bond them more closely as a couple.

Life decisions such as these are not easy but prayerful decision-making is a skill that transcends any one decision. Jason and Julie should find it helpful in the many future dilemmas they are sure to face as Jemima grows in wisdom and grace, and continues to perplex her parents.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

To Work or Not to Work

“But a family just can’t make it on one income anymore!” This is a complaint that I hear more and more from both engaged couples and families with young children as they consider whether both parents will continue to work outside the home after the birth of their child.

This issue is not one to be tackled by the fainthearted. Certainly, there are strong emotions connected with both positions on whether both parents of young children should work outside the home. Before I share my personal viewpoint let me clarify a few points.

Some families genuinely do not have a choice. Certainly, most single-parent families and any family below the poverty level truly cannot make ends meet on just one income even with a modest lifestyle.

Please note that I always qualify “work outside the home.” I am well aware of the strenuous, draining, and demanding work that a parent of young children does at home. Not only is this truly WORK, it generally is very low gratitude and low self-esteem work. On the other hand, some parents’ employment is based in their homes. For the purpose of this article, this counts as work “outside the home.”

Although older children (ages 6 and up) still require a degree of physical care and certainly emotional care and presence, I focus here on the decision to work when there are younger children (under six). This is the time when psychologists tell us that the personality and values are especially formed. Besides, after the age of six a major portion of the child’s day is usually spent outside the home, in school.

By work, I mean full-time employment. Even part-time employment can be a strain on a parent with home responsibilities, but at least there is some flexibility.

The advantages of both parents working outside the home are clear: increased income, standard of living, and general self-worth. The primary disadvantage is lack of time which includes not only time to do shopping, laundry, and cleaning, but more importantly, time to be with children and spouse – Relationship Time.

The advantages to having one parent at home are obvious too – more relationship time. The cost? Less income.

What distresses me most is how quickly most new parents assume they don’t really have a choice because “You can’t really make it on one income anymore.” Given the above disclaimers, I’d like to challenge that myth.

It costs to work outside the home. Not only are there the costs of child care, clothes, lunches, transportation, and higher taxes, but also the hidden costs of not having time to shop for bargains, cook inexpensively, and make items one would otherwise buy.

Does it really cost more to support a family today or have we raised our expectations of how high our lifestyle should be? Yes and No. Indeed, our tax structure is regressive and inflation has decreased the value of real wages, but sometimes families are not working for the basics of food, clothing, shelter, and health care. Instead, it’s the extras of fashionable clothing, owning a larger home, and electronic “toys.” Some young families assume their lifestyle should match what it took their parents 20 years to reach.

For example, in 1967 the average car cost 21 weeks wages of a median family. Today the average car costs 27 weeks’ wages. The catch is that today’s average car has a lot more features like air conditioning, a sound system, electric windows, instant locks, etc. Actually, a current equivalent car would only cost 17 weeks’ wages. Of course, car makers don’t make what we would consider a stripped-down model today because what used to be considered luxuries are now considered necessary. (OK, I’ll admit airbags are a valuable safety improvement.) But perhaps we aren’t willing to tame our hunger for more stuff, for the sake of family relationships. The same pattern is true for families buying their first home.

By now you probably catch my drift that although there are circumstances that warrant both parents of young children working outside the home, too often it’s a self-deluding trap. It takes sacrifice, creativity, and independent thinking to have a parent at home but it’s not as impossible as the conventional wisdom leads us to believe. At least it’s no more impossible than the heroic effort needed to sustain the hectic pace of a dual-income family trying to do it all.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

How Much Does Faith Matter?

The Situation

Mary’s faith has always been very important to her. Her husband, Ted, was raised Christian but now considers himself an agnostic. He’s not anti-God; he just doesn’t know that God has anything to do with his life here on earth.

This didn’t bother Mary when they first got married since she knew Ted to be a good and moral man who did not interfere with her practice of her Catholic faith. Mary and Ted, however, now have a child who is preparing for first Eucharist and asking why Dad doesn’t join them at Mass. Mary also finds herself a little resentful that she and their son go to church every Sunday while Ted sleeps in or plays golf.

Ted has also been dealing with stress at work lately and seems depressed at home. Mary thinks that it would help Ted cope if he had God in his life. She’d feel they had a much more cohesive family if they could share faith and go to church together. What should Mary do?

  • Mary could talk to Ted about how important faith is to her and ask Ted to join her in faith for the sake of their marriage.
  • Mary could leave pamphlets around the house or ask Ted to join her for faith-sharing or enrichment talks sponsored by the parish or diocese.
  • Mary could ask Ted to go to RCIA to learn more about her faith and perhaps decide to embrace it for himself.
  • Mary should accept the fact that faith and God are not important to Ted and not try to change him.
  • All Mary can do is pray.

A Response

It certainly is painful when something important, indeed something core to one’s being like faith, is not shared by your spouse. It is difficult enough when a spouse belongs to a different faith tradition but even more so when Ted not only rejects organized religion, but also does not seem to value a spiritual life.

While no one can or should force another to believe in God or practice a religion, that doesn’t mean that God might not work through the believing spouse’s example of a faith-filled life. Assuming that Mary has already asked Ted to join her for worship and he has declined, another step might be to attend something together that is less directly religious but focused on parenting or marriage enrichment. Often parishes or dioceses sponsor such programs that are value based.

Also, Mary could look around for an inspiring speaker who talks on faith issues and ask Ted to accompany her–not for conversion but for support. Another route would be to find short, inspirational articles that address common human concerns such as depression, living a more fulfilling life, or communication in marriage. She could start with an article on this ForYourMarriage website or other resources such as CareNotes (www.onecaringplace.com). Although Ted probably would not yet be receptive to having a chat with a priest, perhaps there is a respected friend who could talk about why he or she is a person of faith. If Ted can find encouraging insights through spiritual talks or reading it might stir him to take another look at organized religion.

So Mary can do a number of things to introduce Ted to a healthy, meaningful spiritual life, but the most important question is, “Is Ted a good man? Does he live by values consistent with the gospels even if he does not claim Jesus Christ or any particular religion?” If indeed he has a strong moral compass but is not ready to join Mary in religious practices, leave the rest up to God. Who knows path God will use to draw him close. Of course, Mary should continue to pray that she might be a worthy instrument of God’s grace in their life together.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Read more Marriage Rx prescriptions.

Just Because You’re Quiet Doesn’t Mean You’re Listening

While listening takes as much skill as talking and it’s just as big a part of communicating, it’s something most of us have not been well schooled to do. We were taught something about trying to make ourselves understood when communicating, but nothing about opening ourselves to receiving messages from others with as little judgment as possible.

Here are some “how-to’s” for listening techniques:

  • Mirror back what you’ve just heard. “So you think we should give our money away and move to Chile?” Listening to what you thought you heard may enable your partner to clarify the original message.
  • Paraphrase. “So you mean that you think we should give up what we have to help others?” Paraphrasing helps both of you figure out whether you have gotten the message straight from the original speaker.
  • Summarize. “Let’s see if I have this straight. You’re tired of working in a dead end job and you’d rather do something that is more meaningful. Is that it? Have I understood?” See if you can put together a brief summary of what you think you heard and how you understand it.

It’s impossible to respond appropriately unless you’re responding to what was said and unless you pin down the intention behind the words. This takes a lot of discipline, but it pays off when you’re able to act in a way that gives you a bit of emotional distance. Families have different ways of processing information too, so learning how to really hear your spouse may be like learning a foreign language. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. And by the way, be patient with your spouse too!

Top 10 Reasons to Communicate

10. Saves You Money
There’s no doubt about it, poor communications can be costly. Flowers, candy, gifts large and small are regularly offered by a spouse who said the “wrong thing’ or failed to say the “right thing.” When you look at costly mistakes in a marriage the majority of them are a result of poor communications.

9. Saves Time
“Yeah” “Sure” “Whatever” may seem like an efficient way of dealing with your husband or wife when they want to talk but it’s not. Sooner or later an unresolved issue must be discussed. So taking the time the first time your spouse wants to talk with you will ultimately prove to be a time saver. You won’t have to go back to the beginning and start again, because you communicated clearly and honestly the first time around.

8. Earns Points For The Future
Every time you and your spouse have a satisfying conversation you build credit toward future communication. Both of you know and expect that you will be able to share because you have a record of success.

7. It’s Good For Your Health
Good communications in marriage reduces stress for two reasons. First, it allows you to resolve the tension between you, and second, it allows you to “vent’ some of your anxieties from other areas of your life. Many couples report that their partner is the first person they could fully trust. “I can tell him anything”, one wife said recently. “I know he will listen and understand how I feel.”

6. Allows You To Concentrate On Other Things
Have you ever found yourself continuing a discussion you had earlier while you were at work? “I should have said this” you say to yourself. “Oh yeah? Well what about the time you did…” Perhaps you’re so upset about an unfinished conversation earlier in the day that you call your spouse to either apologize or get one more point across. Listening and talking effectively resolves the issue and frees your mind to concentrate on other tasks.

5. Builds Up Your Relationship
Couples who don’t communicate are in danger of losing love and affection for one another. All relationships are nourished by communications. If you don’t communicate with parents, siblings, co-workers, children, or your partner, you lose touch with them and your relationship withers.

4. You Learn More About Yourself
Have you ever tried to explain your thoughts or feelings to someone else and during the conversation you end up in a different place from where you began? Putting your thoughts into words forces you to clarify them. Talking and listening also allows you to fine tune your ideas.

3. Less Hassle
“Why won’t you talk to me?” “I know something is bothering you-what is it?” “Don’t just walk away. Talk to me. Please!”

Be honest. Avoiding communications is as much work as communicating. So why not just talk, or do you like being pursued? Does being silent give you more control over the situation? While it may seem that way, ultimately you’ll have a spouse who will trust you less. Giving your partner the gift of your time to talk things through will make your life simpler in the long run.

2. You Might Learn Something New
The person you are married to is not the person you first met. Neither are you the same. Every day brings new experiences, thoughts, dreams, plans. It’s a guarantee that if you work at communicating you will discover new things about each other.

These new discoveries stretch out in two directions from where you are now. You will discover experiences from your spouse’s childhood that you never knew. You don’t know them because the person you love has them hidden away in their memory. They don’t remember until some new experience triggers a recollection.

You see a child run into the street and your husband says, “I almost got hit by a car when I was that age.” What follows is a story of childhood excitement, parental fear, and lessons learned that come pouring out from the distant past. It might explain why he drives so slowly in areas with children, or give you insight into how he will react when your child does the same thing years from now.

1. It’s Fun!

Adapted from FOUNDATIONS Newsletter

After the Fight – Making Up

When you’ve had a falling out or feel distance between you, how do you come back together and reconcile? The following might help:

  • Ask yourself if there are unfinished issues with your parents that you have super-imposed on this issue with your partner?
  • Talk it out using the Speaker-Listener technique. (One person speaks, the other listens and then paraphrases what they heard. The speaker confirms whether the listener heard correctly. Only after the listener gets it right does the speaker go on, or the listener asks for “the floor” and shares his/her own thoughts.) Remember the rules. Don’t jump prematurely into identifying a specific solution until you’ve respectfully heard and been heard.
  • Put out the Unity Candle you used at your wedding or reception (or use another symbolic item) to signify that you’re calm enough to talk.
  • Apologize for your part. This doesn’t mean that your beloved is blameless, just that you are expressing sorrow for any way that your actions or words may have hurt your relationship, even unintentionally.
  • The Sacrament of Reconciliation can help you to forgive yourself and heal.
  • Seek professional counseling when the two of you aren’t making any headway in resolving the issue and it is infecting other parts of your marriage; you are feeling hopeless; you tend to distance rather than tackle the issue and the distance is growing; physical or verbal violence is being used (in this case, go to counseling separately).
  • In marriage, using lovemaking as a substitute for talking things out can bury the issue instead of resolving it. However, lovemaking after you have reconciled is a wonderful way to celebrate.

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, PA.

Four Elements of Conflict Resolution

Having a successful marriage means learning some skills that differ from the skills you need for most other pieces of life. You are in the business of building, maintaining, and protecting a relationship. In many instances in our lives, we are protecting our own interests. In marriage, we sometimes have to put aside what might be our first choice in order to keep the relationship in good health.

1. Know the distinction between difference and disagreements.

You can differ with your spouse without having a disagreement. You can vote for different presidential candidates, prefer different restaurants, or have different favorite movies. These differences do not necessarily impact your relationship, because you can act on your own to satisfy your preference. But if you differ about whether to live on the East or West coast; or if you differ over whether or not to buy a house, then it is hard to go forward without resolving that difference.

2. Differences become disagreements when space is limited.

Since in marriage you join your lives and commit to staying together, then your choices of some basic issues become matters for joint decision-making. Not only is your physical space limited, but your psychic space is limited, too. How do you feel about having company on Saturday evening? How do you feel about cleaning up the house Saturday afternoon in order to have it ready for company Saturday evening? It’s “our” decision, it’s “our” company, and it’s “our” space to make ready. We may have different needs for socializing, different desires for time use and different standards for tidiness, all of which have to be negotiated for this one event.

3. When disagreements heat up, they become conflicts.

There is a bodily reaction that happens when you are in a conflict. Your pulse rises, your breathing speeds up, and you often get sweaty palms. Your body is sending adrenalin into your system, because it believes you are in danger. It is preparing you to fight.

This reaction happens faster in some people than others, but whenever it happens, it drives the ability to come to a reasonable solution right out of the picture. The fight instinct drives away the learned response to compromise every time. When you’re ready to fight you cannot feel your love for your partner; therefore, the conflict takes place in a dangerous zone, without the caring that normally characterizes your interactions with one another.

At this point you must make a choice. Either you can resolve the conflict and come back together feeling good about each other and your relationship, or you can come away feeling embattled and resentful, and it will make your relationship more difficult, at least for a while.

4. Conflicts are resolved more easily when you can cool off first.

Making the choice to back away from a fight until you can talk calmly – while taking a huge amount of discipline – can reap big benefits for your relationship. The only way to win an argument in a marriage is for both partners to come away feeling that they were heard and respected.

Helpful books:

  • The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
  • The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, Gary Chapman
  • You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship Into a Compassionate, Loving One, Steven Stosny
  • Love and Anger in Marriage, David Mace

Little Miracles

Andrew and Anna, married for nearly 10 years, face one of the biggest challenges that any marriage can confront. In June 2006 their daughter Rose was born with DiGeorge’s syndrome, a serious genetic disorder caused by the deletion of a small part of a chromosome. Because the condition is rare – 1 in 4,000 – Rose’s prognosis is uncertain. Right now doctors are debating how to treat her heart and gastrointestinal abnormalities.

In the meantime, the couple’s life has turned upside down. They try to maintain some normalcy for their other children, ages 5 and 3 ½, even as they struggle to meet Rose’s medical needs. Constant medical procedures and midnight wake-up calls to give Rose her medication put a lot of strain on the family. Tempers get short and “the small stuff creeps up.” Much-needed breaks, such as leaving the children with a teenage babysitter so that the couple can enjoy an evening out, have become impossible. Andrew and Anna know that marriages break up over these kinds of difficulties, and they are determined not to let that happen.

Friends, family, and the Secular Franciscan Order offer understanding and practical support. Andrew finds that Pope John Paul II’s encyclical, The Christian Meaning of Human Suffering is helpful for people going through a situation like theirs. Andrew and Anna have a special devotion to Saint Teresa of Calcutta.

In the face of such uncertainty, the graces of marriage keep Andrew and Anna going. They have learned to celebrate the “little miracles.” “Rose came home,” said Andrew. He and Anna believe that God entrusted Rose to them, and they know that God will be with them in whatever lies ahead.