Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

Addictions

If you or your spouse in the past month has taken a drink first thing in the morning to help you recover from a hangover you may be dealing with an addiction problem. There are other possible symptoms, as well. For instance, as a person with an alcohol addiction, you may have gotten home from a party in one piece, and even though your car went up on the lawn a bit, you were able to park it and get into the house. But if you don’t know how that scratch on the rear bumper got there, you are showing addiction symptoms.

You may tell yourself, “It must have been someone else who did that” but this is part of your denial. Maybe you say, “What’s the big deal, almost all of my friends are serious drinkers. They drink way more than I ever do.” Such rationalizations also indicate a problem. Most people with an alcohol problem will report that they know exactly how much they drink each night, although they usually lowball the number. They may say, “It’s not even the hard stuff, it’s only wine or a couple of beers.” If your wife or husband complains about it, you write it off as just so much nagging.

If any of this is familiar, or if you or someone close to you thinks you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, most likely you do. If you have a loved one who has this problem you need to get help. Substance abuse and addictions do not disappear; rather, they only get worse when left untreated. Substance abuse, which includes alcohol addiction, is a major problem in the United States, and it is a major source of marital breakups and family problems. It affects all the members of the family, not just the ones abusing drugs or alcohol.

Individuals with alcohol or other substance addictions have a distorted sense of reality. They will justify hiding their addiction from family and friends. They might even explain that they drink or escape through drugs to deal with a spouse who makes life difficult, or because they have a stressful job, or their children are such problems.

When their addiction worsens – and it will – they will say that the police were unjustified when they got the DUI, or that this was just a one-time fluke. Even when they begin to have blackouts- memory lapses due to the intoxication- they can deny this to you and themselves.

In addition to the person with the addiction, there is often a spouse who suffers from co-dependency. One of the definitions of co-dependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family that is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. A co-dependent person tries to control everything within the relationship- but can’t.

“Recovery” for co-dependent spouses comes when they eventually address their own needs instead of tolerating mistreatment or trying to rescue their spouse. Whether the addictive behavior is relatively minor or more serious, often it is the co-dependent spouse who starts the recovery process by first addressing his or her own need for assertiveness plus improving listening and communication skills. Counseling can bring awareness of dysfunctional behaviors, and help the couple develop new, healthier coping skills.

The denial that accompanies an addiction is a family problem because it often includes the spouse as well. Spouses may cover up for their partner, make excuses, and call an employer to say he/she is sick when it is really a hangover. They will overlook the fender bender accident. Most of all they tolerate the lack of physical and emotional availability from their spouse due to their “affair” with drugs or alcohol.

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as A.A., and the other 12-step programs are a great resource. Meetings are held morning, noon, and night. Individuals get the support of a sponsor- someone who has gone through the process of recovery and lives their life fully. These people are models of living a life of sobriety. For the spouse of someone with an addiction, as well as for their children, there are Al-anon and Narconon meetings. They support, encourage, and help the co-dependent spouse to stop the ways that he or she may have inadvertently been enabling the addicted person.

With the emergence of the internet, sexual addictions have become an even greater problem. Sexual addictions can range from masturbation to pornographic magazines and videos, to infidelity and paying for sex. It may even be as pathological as breaking into apartments and raping unsuspecting residents. This stage of sexual addiction requires major intervention and usually results in criminal charges as well. Whatever the magnitude of sexual addiction, the one thing all have in common is that the need for sex is more important than the addict’s feelings for his/her spouse.

Addictions are often ruinous to a marriage if they are allowed to continue. They are compulsive behaviors that are usually fueled by deeply seated anger or fear of intimacy. You might be married to a person who was shamed in early childhood. They might have had poor or no sexual education, experienced a parent who sexually acted out, or had serious childhood trauma. They may be a victim of incest or sexual abuse. Sexual acting out in these compulsive ways, as well as other addictions, often indicate emotional pain. They are also used as a substitute for true intimacy.

Treatment often takes the form of individual, marital, and group therapy. Key tasks for recovery include, first and foremost, breaking through the denial. Sometimes this requires that the co-dependent spouse first break his or her own denial and also learn about the addiction process and how one goes about establishing sobriety. Then it is a matter of getting the addict/alcoholic to start a treatment plan. For many, A.A. or N.A. can be an effective solution. For others, it can be the starting point in combination with therapy.

Sometimes it is necessary to create an intervention. This is a well-prepared and pre-planned meeting with a professional counselor, family, friends, and perhaps colleagues from work who meet with the addicted person. The participants confront the person with the addiction and the consequences that the addicted behaviors are having on the family, friends, and workplace. Usually, there is a pre-arranged treatment plan that may include an initial hospital phase, either as an in-patient or outpatient. Hospitalization may be necessary for those who have serious drug or alcohol dependency problems and who need detoxification as a first step. Professionals can provide more information. After this initial phase of treatment, it is a matter of establishing sobriety and creating a healthier environment to support continued sobriety. This phase is not easy, as there may be setbacks. This is where 12-step programs are particularly valuable in reinforcing motivation.

Couple therapy is also an essential part of recovery. A spouse may not be able to recognize the need for his or her involvement, but recovery is much more successful when both spouses are involved. If the addicted person attends A.A., and the spouse possibly attends Al-anon meetings, plus they receive marriage counseling, the marital relationship is more likely to stabilize and the couple can work through the trauma they experienced from the addicted partner’s behaviors. There is also Retrouvaille, a program for married couples who are hurting. It is not specifically for addictions, but it does assist any couple that has experienced a major disillusionment.

With addictions comes the need for reconciliation and forgiveness for the damage caused in the marriage. With help, hard work, and the right kind of support, many couples can heal their marriage and create a new and healthier marital life- something they could not have imagined while amid their crisis. With time, patience, and persistence trust can be restored and a new level of intimacy reached. By moving beyond the initial denial and earnestly working each recovery step, a couple can heal and reclaim a life of sobriety from addictive behaviors.

RESOURCES:

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Al-anon is for spouses, children, parents, or close friends of alcoholics or teens dealing with alcohol problems.

Narconon is a non-profit drug rehabilitation program dedicated to eliminating drug abuse and drug addiction.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use or Addiction (list of support groups, help for parents, and more)

Celebrate Recovery: A Christ-Centered Recovery Program

The Calix Society: An association of recovering Catholic alcoholics, their families, and friends, with an emphasis on spiritual activities

Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi with a long i) means “rediscovery.” It consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over three months. The main emphasis is on communication between husband and wife. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend.

StartYourRecovery.org offers people who are dealing with substance use issues a single source of reputable, objective information about signs, symptoms, conditions, treatment options, and resources — presented in a user-friendly format and in language that’s easy to understand.

The Third Option is a group program for marriages. It combines 14 unique skill-building workshops, sharing by mentor couples who have overcome marital problems, and support groups. Because it uses a “self-change” model, one spouse may come alone.

About the author
Donald J. Paglia, MS, CAGS, is the Co-Director of the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Hartford.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict resolution is really a subset of communication, but for most couples, communication does not become problematic until there is a disagreement. Even though conflict may be rooted in poor listening skills, lack of affirmation, or clumsy expression of feelings, it deserves special attention because this is where couples most hurt.

Some couples resolve conflicts easily because they have easy- going personalities. Others have had good modeling from their family of origin. But at some point all couples face an issue, a disagreement, a fight that challenges their calm and their skills. It’s connected with the reality that our lives are connected.

When two people share living space, habits, dreams, and often children, there are bound to be times that they think differently and have different opinions on how to handle a situation. If this doesn’t ever occur, it is likely that one partner is avoiding a confrontation, submerging his/her identity, or always giving in. None of these is healthy for marriage over the long haul.

For Further Reading:

Personality Audit

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. One important aspect of identity is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment. How do you handle conflict? In which social situations do you feel most comfortable? Which virtues come most easily to you, and which vices do you have to fight hardest against? How do you prefer to tackle big projects, household chores, and daily tasks?

Engagement is a great time to know yourself – and your future spouse – better! As you move toward marriage, consider taking this Personality Audit. Print two copies and ask your fiance(e) to take it, too.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Support for Troubled Marriages

Every marriage hits its rough spots. Pope Francis noted in his apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia that “the life of every family is marked by all kinds of crises.” He goes on to say, “Couples should be helped to realize that surmounting a crisis need not weaken their relationship…Each crisis becomes an apprenticeship in growing closer together or learning a little more about what it means to be married. There is no need for couples to resign themselves to an inevitable downward spiral or a tolerable mediocrity” (no. 232).

If you are struggling in your marriage, take heart! The Church cares about you and wants you and your spouse to find healing and a renewed sense of love. Below are organizations dedicated to helping couples and families in crisis. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help; your marriage matters and the Church is here for you.

Also, see our Marriage Rx and Overcoming Obstacles section for advice on specific challenges.

If you or a loved one is struggling with pornography use or addiction, please see our page focused on help for men and women struggling with pornography.

The Alexander House: Marriage Disciples
This couple-to-couple program has helped thousands of couples rediscover the joy and happiness in their marriage by walking with them and sharing practical ways to live out God’s plan for their marriage.
Greg Alexander
210-858-6195
greg@thealexanderhouse.org

BAN – Beyond Affairs Network
An International Support Group with local chapters for people recovering from the devastating experience of a spouse’s affair.
Anne and Brian Bercht
360-306-3367
info@beyondaffairs.com

COMPASSION WORKSHOPS: Anger & Violence Regulation
Educational programs for individuals and families that deal with the detection, treatment, and prevention of abuse (home study/self-training kit available).
Steven Stosny, PhD
301-921-2010
stosny@compassionpower.com

Courage Apostolate
A Catholic ministry dedicated to helping men and women who experience same-sex attraction reach the freedom of interior chastity through the loving support of others and the graces of the sacraments. Support is offered to both single and married persons, in line with Catholic teaching. Visit the Courage website to learn more and to find a local chapter: https://couragerc.org/

Divorce Busting Programs
Trained coaches support couples who want to save their marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis
800-664-2435 or 815-337-8000
virginia@divorcebusting.com

The Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents
The death of a child is the most traumatic and devastating experience any parent can face. At a minimum, parents feel totally alone because their spouse is usually at a very different place in their grief journey. Spouses often cannot understand or accept coping mechanisms used by each other, and they may blame each other, secretly or openly, for the death. However, many grieving parents have found that the rich teachings of the Catholic Church that life has changed for those who have died, not ended, does bring peace, comfort, and hope. The Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents is a Catholic ministry dedicated to serving the spiritual needs of parents whose children of any age have died by any cause—no matter how long ago. It offers One-Hour, One-Day, and Weekend Spiritual Retreats for grieving parents given by grieving parents and spiritual leaders. See www.emfgp.org for more information.

Hope Springs Florida
A nonprofit organization that helps families with a child with special needs re-energize and restore healthy relationships. HSF offers more than a vacation respite home for those with autism; it offers hope to working-class families in a seaside environment by handling all the details necessary for a relaxing vacation. This includes airport and ground transportation, dietary and sensory need accommodation, and preferred access to recreational activities near historic Saint Augustine, FL. HSF is founded on the principle of hope, as expressed by Pope Francis: “When there is no human hope, there is that hope that carries us forward, humble, simple—but it gives a joy, at times a great joy, at times only of peace, but the security that hope does not disappoint: hope doesn’t disappoint.”

For more information, contact Joe Rodgers at 614-886-5510 or rodgers_2244@hotmail.com.

National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists
This group lists therapists with many years of training and experience in marriage and couples therapy who are dedicated to helping marriages succeed if at all possible.

Pastoral Tele-Counseling Services
The Pastoral Solutions Institute provides over 8000 hours/year of ongoing, Catholic-integrated counseling services via the telephone to couples, families, and individuals. Combining insights from our Catholic faith with empirically validated psychological techniques, our counselors help clients find practical and grace-filled solutions to difficult marriage, family, and personal problems. Our counselors are all licensed at the highest level, have additional training in pastoral theology, and are faithful to the Magisterium.
740-266-6461

Person & Identity
Assists the Catholic Church in promoting the Catholic vision of the human person and responding to the challenges of Gender ideology. Gender ideology has permeated the culture with stunning speed, influencing medicine, business, media, entertainment, government, and education. Because it is sowing confusion and undermining the Church’s mission of evangelization, the rise of gender ideology has created an urgent need for clarity, education, and compassionate guidance for Catholic families and young people. Their website includes resources for parents, schools, and parishes.

Retrouvaille
A weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over three months. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend.
800-470-2230

The Third Option
An ongoing group program for marriages. It combines 14 unique skill-building workshops, sharing by mentor couples who have overcome marital problems, and a support group component. Because it uses a “self-change” model, one spouse may come alone.
Andrea Buckley
855-624-9476
andrea@thethirdoption.com

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

The Marital Sexual Relationship

The Situation

Bob and Mary have been married nine years and have two small children, ages eight and six. Each have demanding full-time jobs and they pride themselves on being involved in their children’s school and social activities.

What initially began as a positive and rewarding sexual relationship in this committed modern couple’s marriage has slowly diminished in sexual desire and frequency. While they continue to profess to love one another, Bob complains they each are too busy and over-stressed, while Mary often says she’s too tired for sex. Bob also sees himself as taking a back seat to Mary’s involvement with their children.

While not wishing to complain, Bob thinks their marriage is in trouble. He wants to make their lack-luster marriage more satisfying. Mary can’t see a way for her to regain the old desire that was present in the earlier years – B.C. (before children).

A Response

Marriage is a call to on-going intimacy – not only sexual intimacy, but also the intentional develop of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Each dimension of Bob and Mary’s intimacy connects with the others. So, if they neglect emotional bonding or don’t pay ongoing attention to each other, all parts of the relationship suffer, including the physical expression of love.

Although sexual intimacy is pleasurable, its importance in marriage is not just to have fun; it also strengthens the couple’s bond, helping them to face the many challenges of their life together. Studies report that couples who are passionate about each other can more easily solve problems, including such things as dealing with children, extended family, and financial issues.

Sexual intimacy may have come easily in Bob and Mary’s earlier stages of marriage – a period likely laced with kissing and holding, loving words and deeds, romantic dinners, walks, and sharing of thoughts and feelings – that, later may suffer given the rigors of a growing family. In time, couples like Bob and Mary may settle for security and certainty at the cost of playfulness and passion in marriage.

Sustaining physical attraction, however, often takes a conscious decision to put time and effort into a dimension of the relationship that used to come effortlessly. It requires setting one’s spouse as the priority – before work, before cleaning, and even before kids. For Bob and Mary this may mean finding babysitters, having occasional dinners alone (without children), going on dates, and bringing to their relationship new ways of connecting.

For Mary and Bob, focusing on intimacy may require making the effort to break out of a routine and investing energy into cultivating creativity in their lovemaking. Part of what makes a relationship romantic is the excitement that comes with discovering a new person and noticing that that person cares about you. Of course, this doesn’t mean marrying a new person but rather, courting your spouse as though you are still bent on winning his or her love. Basically, it means re-tooling those very things that were a part of your earlier relationship but without the threat of rejection or loss.

One dimension of masculine/feminine sexuality worth exploring is how spouses complement each other. Just as magnets are drawn to each other from different poles, so too men and women are drawn to each other, not only because of similarities, but also for the differences.

For example, men more often show passion by pursuing and initiating lovemaking, focusing on purpose, protection and commitment; while women playfully tend to provoke and entice, focusing on vulnerability and feelings. Exaggerating these two polarities can stimulate passion. In our culture these gender energies often are judged to be too narrow.

For example, women may hesitate to appear “too feminine” for fear of being viewed as unintelligent or manipulative. Men face the possibility of coming across as insensitive. Equality and mutuality can get confused with sameness. But sameness is not very exciting. Within marriage, couples need to cultivate a healthy balance of both certainty and excitement. But therein lies the basic problem: Love seeks closeness while desire needs distance. Too much distance, however, might cause a lack of connection, while too much sameness destroys the attraction of two unique individuals. This is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

Love enjoys knowing everything about the other, while desire needs mystery. If love grows by repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on mystery, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. Desire benefits from ongoing elusiveness. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire.

In sacramental marriage the couple’s call to love and be loved shows the world a glimpse of God’s unconditional, exquisite, and passionate love for each of us. Scripture uses passionate images of married love to describe God’s unimaginable love for us all.

In Catholic marriage the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament while the priest is the official witness of the church. As ministers, it is each spouse’s task to give the other an experience of being loved. In simple language this means that one’s spouse must know he or she is loved and comes first in the other’s life. It is in making each other number one that intimacy can blossom into an ever-deepening love. The call to be lover and beloved is a deeply spiritual call. Marital partners are challenged to cultivate marital eroticism. By doing so they embody marriage’s mystical meaning, both as a source of aliveness, and a pathway to salvation.

About the authors
Don and his wife, Chris, are Co-Directors of the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Hartford, Connecticut.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Not Tonight, Honey: Dealing With Desire Discrepancy

The old stereotype describes men as frequently having sex on their mind while women are often not “in the mood.” As with most stereotypes this is an unfair generalization. But as is also true with stereotypes, it evolved because there was a kernel of truth in it. Indeed typically male sexual arousal can be compared to a microwave – instant and fast – while a woman’s is more often like an electric stove – slower and steady. But it’s not always that way.

Remember the days of your courtship when attraction was intense and it didn’t matter whether you were male or female. You felt passion for each other – or perhaps in hindsight it was romantic infatuation. Still, your physical desire to hold and kiss each other was strong. You wanted to be in each other’s company constantly, and might do ridiculously silly things like walk in the pouring rain together and not be bothered. Your love for each other was strong followed by an almost irrational desire to join your bodies too…and now you’re married.

For most couples, that physical romantic high continues for awhile into marriage. After all, much is new and exciting about your life together. Romance thrives on newness and excitement so a typical couple still finds that both desire to express their love frequently. Often there is little difference between male and female libido. And that is the natural law implanted in our genes. For the continuance of the human race, male and female need to be powerfully drawn to each other.

According to research done by Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, when we feel attracted to a person of the opposite sex, it triggers a neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine (PEA) which combines with dopamine and norepinephrine to create pleasingly positive feelings toward the other. This “love molecule” can prompt euphoria, increased energy, loss of appetite, and less need for sleep. It thus increases sexual desire and the human race continues. But this intensity is impossible to maintain. The effects of PEA start to diminish after about six months and have pretty much subsided by the second year of a relationship – just enough time to mate and procreate.

Of course human love is about more than chemicals and neurotransmitters but it does help to understand why a man and woman can feel head over heels in love with each other and later this feeling of ecstasy can lessen. The challenge is to find ways to refresh your relationship so that you can experience some of the excitement that newness brings.

But back to our stoves. While many men’s sexual drive often stays very active with little needed to arouse them to desire sexual intercourse, many women’s drive (originally aided by PEA) slows down after a couple years. The advent of a child can also turn her attention and energy away from her husband. Even though this is not unusual in marriage, it doesn’t make for a happy relationship if your arousal rhythms are not in sync.

So are husbands and wives doomed to frustration if one spouse wants to make love more frequently than the other? With love all things are possible and this is where the desire for your spouse’s happiness can make both of you happier. As with most things in marriage, it’s a matter of loving effort and compromise.

The spouse with the desire for more frequent sex (often the husband) can go out of his way to prepare a romantic environment. Light some candles, pamper her, take your time. The spouse who may not as quickly be ready for sex (often the wife) can resolve not to say “no” too quickly, knowing that given a little time and attention she may also become aroused.

The important thing to remember is that arousal discrepancy (as the experts call it) does not generally reflect a lack of love by that spouse who desires less frequency but rather based in biology. Remember too that the stereotype will never fit everyone and that it is not unusual for roles to reverse in marriage with the wife being more interested in making love than the husband.

Lovemaking is a sensitive area to discuss with your spouse, and you may fear offending or hurting your spouse’s feelings. It’s one of those topics in which you become very vulnerable to each other. Go gently, patiently, lovingly, and meet in the middle.

If Opposites Attract, How Can We Get Along?

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.” Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal. There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

  1. Appreciation – Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?
  2. Meet each other half way – like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.
  3. Become a student – Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more well-rounded person.

How To Strengthen Your Marriage After Porn Addiction

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is critical in healing the marriage damaged by cybersex or pornography use,” the Bennetts write. Although forgiveness is difficult and will take time, it is important for the spouse who used porn to ask for forgiveness and to acknowledge the pain he has caused his wife and family. He should patiently allow his wife to air her feelings as much as she needs, and he should be completely honest in discussing his addiction and answering all questions. He must accept responsibility for his actions and not shift any blame onto his spouse. “Professional help, spiritual guidance, and a program for life that shows a radical commitment to addressing this problem makes forgiveness possible,” they write.

Addressing faulty beliefs

Dr. Patrick Carnes identified four beliefs that reinforce sex addictions:

  • I am basically a bad, unworthy person;
  • No one would love me as I am;
  • My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others;
  • Sex is my most important need.

“These beliefs must be rejected, but they have to be acknowledged and confronted first, and one may need help in defeating them,” say the Bennetts.

Improving communication

Better communication will not solve every problem, but it is a great tool for addressing the emotional distance created by sex addiction and may require the guidance of a professional therapist. “The couple may have to learn new skills fostering cooperation, understanding, openness and consideration in order to replace the existing defensiveness and repression,” they write.

Intimacy

“Intimacy depends upon openness, and that implies vulnerability,” write the Bennetts. Vulnerability requires trust, but trust and self-worth are severely damaged by sex addictions. The need to rebuild intimacy goes beyond sexual intimacy: The Bennetts identify other key areas of intimacy in need of healing as emotional, recreational, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy.

Humility

Humility lays the foundation for self-knowledge, love and forgiveness. “By strengthening our prayer and spiritual life, we should grow in humility, which in turn will strengthen our ability to love and thereby our marriage,” they write.

Respect and affection

“It is necessary to discuss problems and ill feelings,” and it is a mistake to try to “get back to normal” by avoiding conflict in an effort to minimize problems. Such lack of communication only creates distance between husband and wife. Here, too, a professional marriage therapist may be helpful, the Bennetts say.

About the authors
Dr. Arthur and Laraine Bennett are authors of The Temperament God Gave You and The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse (Sophia Institute Press).

Whose Job Is It?

Most people have been raised to expect that certain jobs are done primarily by one sex or the other. Despite these stereotypes job assignments aren’t written in stone. Many couples shift their roles and responsibilities several times throughout the years of their marriage. Is it time for some job reclassification in your marriage?

The issue may be more serious than you think. One of the main causes of domestic problems is domestic – as in, housework. Who picks up the used newspapers? Who takes out the trash? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who walks the dog? Sound familiar? Neil Chethik polled 300 husbands across the age spectrum for his book, VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment (Simon and Schuster, 2006). “Housework showed up right after money as the top issue of discord,” he said. “It was higher on the list than sex, higher than raising the children, ahead of every other issue you can name.” In other words, couples can build a happier marriage by finding better ways to share the mundane tasks of their life together.

Sometimes a wife clings to more than her share of the housework out of a need to meet the expectations – real or imagined – of her mother or friends. Even if her husband is willing, the quality of his help leaves something to be desired, in her mind. Or if a man prides himself in a spotless car, the way his dad always did, he may be loath to let his wife take on that task.

Blending our two worlds and creating a partnership of life and love sometimes comes down to changing how we wash the dishes, make the bed, or store the groceries. We can let go of our idea of perfection in order to accept the help of our spouse. Sharing tasks means more time at the end of the day for us to appreciate each other. It is about making our relationship a priority.

Finances: Yours, Mine, Ours

The Situation

Tim’s aunt sold her large home and moved to a retirement village. She decided to share some of the proceeds with Tim and Megan and sent them $6,000 to be used any way they pleased. After their initial excitement, the couple began to discuss how to use the unexpected boost to their financial picture.

Megan immediately suggested putting the whole amount into their savings account. The couple had dipped into their savings recently due to the expense of fixing the foundation of their older home. Megan saw the money gift as a way of shoring up their “safety net” of funds for future emergencies. She viewed money as security. Having grown up in a home where money was always tight, she carried the fear of not having enough into her adult life. She wanted her present family to be better prepared.

This approach wasn’t what Tim had in mind. He saw money as a resource to be spent on things or activities that provided fun and satisfaction in life, for oneself and others. He was responsible with money to pay bills and take care of the family, but had been known to overindulge in using money for enjoyment. There were no money concerns in Tim’s growing up years. Whatever he needed or wanted was at his fingertips. And after all, this was his aunt; shouldn’t he have more say in the matter?

This was not the first discussion about finances where Tim and Megan differed in how they viewed money and its uses. What are possible healthy choices for Tim and Megan as they work through this issue together?

The Prescription

Surveys identify money as one of the top issues over which couples have conflicts. Therefore, developing a couple-style of managing money is crucial to the health of a marriage. If a couple can’t work through their money issues together, the relationship will face problems of distrust, resentment and insecurity.

Since money is necessary for our well-being, it is a strong emotional issue in all of us. Tim viewed the use of money through the lens of enjoyment while Megan saw money as a means of security. Others may regard money through the lens of status, success, or a way of maintaining independence or security. None of these orientations is wrong in itself unless taken to extremes, or if one spouse refuses to consider the other’s view.

Tim and Megan can benefit from the following principles and skills as they make decisions about money matters in their marriage:

  • Come to the discussion with respect for your spouse’s perspective and input. Develop an attitude of an “intent to learn.” This requires a commitment to careful listening and prevents protective posturing.
  • Work towards a balance of views and uses of money to achieve a sense of success, security, enjoyment, and well-being. For example, Tim and Megan might elect to put $4,000 in savings and use the rest for a couple trip.
  • Avoid one-sided decisions. Make a budget plan and stick to it.
  • Remember that in marriage what is mine is yours – even gifts from a relative.
  • Avoid debt overload by saving and living within your means. If irresponsible spending has been an issue, set up a budget that reduces expenditures in order to get debt under control.
  • Remember that donations to one’s faith congregation are not meant to be leftovers, but an integral part of your budget.
  • Become an informed money manager couple. Reading a book or article on money issues (i.e. The Marriage Journey: Preparations and Provisions for Life Together by Linda L. Grenz & Delbert C. Glover) or taking a financial planning course together helps couples make more responsible and agreeable financial decisions.
  • Money matters in a marriage. When spouses take time to understand and honor each other’s perspectives on money and make wise and generous financial decisions, money becomes a bonder and not a divider in their relationship.

About the author
Judy Clark is the Co-Director of Adult and Family Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plana, Texas. Judy is also a licensed professional counselor.

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