Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

Is a Divorced Person Excommunicated?

A reader has asked the following question:

How do you respond to someone who says he is excommunicated from the Church so he no longer attends because he’s divorced and did not receive an annulment? I know it isn’t true but I don’t know the details.

Answer:

Some people believe that a Catholic who divorces is excommunicated. Not true! Divorced persons are full members of the Church and are encouraged to participate in its activities. The U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults says: “When divorce is the only possible recourse, the Church offers her support to those involved and encourages them to remain close to the Lord through frequent reception of the Sacraments, especially the Holy Eucharist.” Read more about the Church’s teaching on divorce.

Should a divorced Catholic wish to remarry in the Church he or she may need an annulment. Read more about the annulment process. Even if a Catholic has divorced and remarried civilly, the Church does not want them to be alienated. The Catechism of the Catholic Church urges attention to them, “so that they do not consider themselves separated from the Church, in whose life they can and must participate as baptized persons” (no. 1651).

When Unemployment Hits Home: Seven Ways to Help Your Marriage

“It could be any couple.”

That’s the answer you’ll get if you ask a family counselor to describe the “typical couple” who comes looking for help because of unemployment.

A husband and wife may come because they need assistance reconfiguring the family budget. Because they have to learn to live with less. Because this has affected their sex life. Because they fight over what the children should give up and how to say “‘no” to their sons and daughters. Because a wife resents that she now must be the family’s bread-winner. Because a husband feels he no longer has what it takes to “be a man,” to be the family’s main provider.

They may come because the stress of unemployment has led to depression or illness. To alcohol or drug abuse. To anger or violence. To a combination that’s unique to a couple’s own particular circumstances—to their strengths and weakness both as individuals and as a couple.

They may come because they see that their marriage is crumbling and may not survive.

Sadly, some marriages don’t.

“Divorce happens. Absolutely,” noted Sarah Griffin, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who has a private practice and also works for the Seattle Archdiocese’s Catholic Community Services in Everett, Washington. “Problems build up. Resentment builds up. They thought they were in this for love or at least what they thought love was. But love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision.”

Unemployment can leave an individual—and a couple—feeling overwhelmed, powerless, frightened. In a word, crushed. Yes, the partner looking for work can follow all the recommended steps for landing that next job but in the meantime…the meantime can be a long time.

The good news is that both husband and wife can make positive decisions that can ultimately strengthen their marriage. Here are seven ways to help your marriage when a spouse is unemployed.

1. The unemployed spouse, Griffin said, can choose to accept that things are the way they are. He or she can let go of the misguided but understandable belief that “my life has to be the way things were, or nothing is OK.” Perhaps they need to accept that the new job may not be as good as the one that’s been lost.

2. The employed spouse can remember to let the out-of-work spouse continue to have the same role he or she has always had when it comes to making family decisions. (Griffin pointed out that “those decisions are usually around money.”). He or she can avoid making the out-of-work spouse feel (even more) guilty about the loss of a second income by not fixating on “What are we going to do now!”

3. Both can keep in mind that with loss comes grief. “Losses can be devastating,” Griffin noted, “and being laid off is a primary loss.” A new loss like unemployment can bring up old losses that haven’t been dealt with, she added.

4. They can keep an eye out for signs or symptoms that they need outside help. A tip-off, said Griffin, is a “situation or emotions that interfere with your daily life. You can’t get out of bed in the morning. You can’t make it through the day. The two of you can’t stop arguing.”

5. They can seek help from both informal sources (such as wise and trusted friends or family members) and professional ones (including private counselors, counseling services, or programs made available through a parish or diocese).

6. They can notice and appreciate that, in the middle of all this turmoil, there may well be some positives. A formerly two-income family may not be able to afford day care anymore, but now the family doesn’t need day care. A dad may be surprised to discover he really enjoys being home with the kids. (Not that it’s easier than heading out every day to a job!) Now he gets to know them, and they get to know him, in ways that wouldn’t have happened without his unemployment. A couple that has talked about, and seriously considered, simplifying the family’s lifestyle can realize that now there’s both a perfect excuse to do just that–and little option to do otherwise.

7. They can see how their religious faith is helping them through this and they can trust that it will continue to do so. In Griffin’s experience as a counselor, “any issue with a faith-based couple is easier.” Why? “I imagine it’s because they know there’s a Higher Power who cares about them, whom they can pray to,” she said. “A Christian marriage is very, very different from a secular one. There’s a different language that includes things like ‘this happened for a reason’ and ‘I can pray about this.’”

And what a difference—what an ongoing blessing and source of grace and strength—that can be, in good times and in bad.

About the author 
Bill Dodds is a long-time writer for Catholic publications whose latest novels are “Pope Bob” and “My Great-Grandfather Turns 12 Today.”

How to Deepen Empathy in Your Marriage: Three Key Skills

It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking each other for granted or just putting up with each other. One husband described this bluntly: “When I get home my dog is the only one who seems excited to see me!” Make this year a break-through year in your relationship by trying three powerful empathy skills to deepen your love for each other.

1. Make your partner feel welcome in your heart.

Focus on those qualities and strengths that you honor and respect in your partner. This simple focus will restore your partner’s value in your heart. Joe, a successful physician, and Sylvia, a marketing executive, complained about their unfulfilling marriage and stressful lives. The more they talked, the clearer it became that they were living parallel lives.

Their first challenge was to switch the focus away from themselves and onto each other. They acknowledged that they were taking each other for granted and that their jobs got the best of them. They ended up giving each other the leftovers. They decided to switch their priorities and focus first on each other’s feelings and needs and to practice daily the art of welcoming each other into their hearts. Today they are far more emotionally connected and happier.

Try this: Each day greet your partner with a genuine smile and some expression of affection.

2. Become interested in how your spouse is feeling.

Remember when you were dating? You had an insatiable interest in each other’s feelings and what would make each other happy. Over the years you may have shifted focus away from your partner and more towards yourself. Perhaps now you’ve come to expect that he or she should always be there to support you or you’ve gotten too task-oriented, hoping he or she will not interfere with your plans.

When you disregard your partner’s feelings as unimportant, however, you are actually disregarding your partner. Understanding your partner’s feelings opens the door into his or her intimate emotional life and finding out what makes your partner happy is crucial. You don’t have to be that insightful or sensitive to notice what makes your partner angry, sad, or worried–but what may be more elusive is what makes your partner happy.

Mary and Robert had been married for seven years. She complained that Robert liked to run the household as if it were his office. He was caring and responsible but always placed tasks before people. He was convinced that he was a good husband because he worked very hard to provide for his family and had never cheated on his wife or done anything immoral or illegal. He couldn’t understand why Mary was unhappy with him. After all, he thought, wasn’t he hardworking, loyal, honest, and responsible? Mary eventually confronted him: “Yes, Robert, you have all those qualities, but you don’t give me what I want.” Throughout their marriage he played the role of the good husband, according to him.

Finally he realized that he was a good husband only if Mary felt loved by him. Mary wanted a husband that focused first on loving her and the kids and then on completing tasks. He also discovered that Mary felt loved by him when he understood and valued her feelings.

Try this once a week: Ask your partner what you could do during that week to bring him or her joy.

3. Validate your partner’s feelings.

Validating your partner’s feelings means valuing what he or she is feeling and showing it through supportive feedback. You don’t need to analyze or judge the validity of those feelings but simply appreciate that he or she shared them.

Mark and Tiffany had difficulty validating each other’s feelings. Their attempts to communicate with each other usually followed a predictable pattern of failure. When Tiffany shared anger, worry, or sadness, Mark tried to help her by offering advice on how to solve or prevent the situation that caused those negative feelings. Tiffany wanted to feel understood.

Whenever Mark gave her unsolicited advice, she became upset with him. Mark, in turn, felt upset that she didn’t appreciate his genuine desire to help with her problem and began to withdraw emotionally. Tiffany felt his detachment and began to resent and criticize his emotional insensitivity and shared her feelings again only with reluctance. Fortunately they broke this negative cycle by learning to validate each other’s feelings. Mark began to validate Tiffany by saying, “I can see how upsetting that was for you. Is there anything that I can do to help you now?” Now their sharing leads to greater emotional intimacy.

Try this: When your partner shares feelings with you, value what he or she shared, without offering solutions or unsolicited advice.

From “Thriving Marriages” 2nd ed. by John Yzaguirre, Ph.D., and Claire Frazier-Yzaguirre, M.Div., M.F.T, New City Press, 2015. http://www.thrivingfamilies.com/

Help for Empty Nesters

While some couples look at the “empty nest” as a second honeymoon, it will end and couples will face the challenges of reinventing their marriage for the second half. For many, this can be a hard time on their marriage. Why?

First, most couples at this point are exhausted and their marriage may be on the back burner. You may be emotionally drained and feel disconnected from your spouse. Second, all those things you’ve been postponing are just waiting for you, thus the tendency is to “get busy” and avoid facing the challenges of this new stage of marriage.

We decided to research this stage of marriage, put together our own national survey, and began what has become a 20-year journey to help us and other empty nest couples reinvent their marriages.

Empty Nest First Aid Tips

• Slow down and get some rest! Take a nap. Go to bed at 8 p.m. Sleep around the clock. You’ll never be able to refocus on your marriage until your life comes back into focus.

• Celebrate! You made it through the active parenting years. Although it is not at all uncommon to become aware of some sense of loss and regret at this time of life, you can counter any of those sentiments by promoting a strong sense of celebration for where you have come and of excitement about your future. Go out to dinner. Have some fun. Have a great date.

• Acknowledge that this is a time of transition. Say to each other, “Things are changing right now and that’s okay.” Change can bring out insecurities that are festering below the surface. Just acknowledging that things are changing can help with the transition. Transitional times can be stressful but they also give you the opportunity to redefine your relationship and to find new fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.

• Resist making immediate decisions about your future until you have some perspective. Realize that things are changing and that you can change with them – but you need to take it slowly. Unfortunately, some spouses who are disappointed with their marriage bolt right out of the relationship as soon as the last kid leaves home. This is a time when the divorce rate soars. Give yourself time to get to know each other again and to revitalize your relationship. Don’t accept new responsibilities for at least three months.

• Plan an empty nest getaway. Go off together. Talk about what is great about your relationship and the areas that needed work. Make a commitment to work on the weak areas and reinvent your marriage.

Empty Nest Challenges

Once you’ve made it through the initial transition into the empty nest, you need to surmount the long term challenges of the second half of your marriage. In our Second Half of Marriage program we look at eight challenges of the empty nest years including the following:

• Let go of the past and forgive one another. Let go of past marital disappointments, missed expectations, and unrealized dreams. You need to forgive each other and choose to make the best of the rest. You may even want to make a list of things you will never do or will never do again. But then make a list of things you want to do in the future.

• Create a partner-focused marriage. In the past you may have focused on your kids and your job. Now is your opportunity to focus on your marriage. You can build a closer more personal relationship in the second half of life. In the first half of marriage we tend to live our lives in response to circumstances such as parenting and career demands. In the second half of marriage you aren’t as controlled by your circumstances and have the freedom to reinvest in your relationship.

• A gender role shift often takes place at this time of life. Men become more nurturing. Women, who generally have been more responsible for the kids, now become more expansive and may choose to go back to school, get a real estate license, or start a new career. It can seem like you are moving in opposite directions, but on a continuum you are actually moving closer to the center. Realizing this can help you capitalize on it and refocus on each other.

• Energize your love life. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Our surveys suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with the number of years married. Your love life in the empty nest can be better than in the parenting years. Look for ways to romance your mate. Think of your love life as a stroll, not a sprint. Enjoy the slower pace. If medical issues arise, be willing to talk to your doctor. Often help is available.

• Adjust to changing roles with adult children and aging parents. Just as you need to release your children, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time your parents are aging and perhaps beginning to experience health problems. Whatever your situation, the relationship with your adults kids and parents affects your marriage. The key is to keep your marriage relationship the anchor relationship. You can handle stress much better when you know one other person understands how you feel. You can’t go back and change your family history, but you can change the future. You can forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.

• Connect with other empty nest couples and encourage them in their marriages. Consider starting your own empty nest group or becoming mentors for a younger couple. Volunteer to start a marriage program in your parish or community. For a wealth of great programs see www.smartmarriages.com.

The empty nest years of your marriage can be a time of incredible fulfillment, no matter what challenges you previously faced. You can reinvent your relationship, renew your friendship, and create a vision for the rest of your marriage.

This article is adapted by the authors from their books “The Second Half of Marriage” and “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.” It originally appeared in Family Perspectives Journal (Summer 2010), a publication of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. Used with permission.

Divorce and the Church’s Healing Ministry

May you have true friends to stand by you,
both in joy and in sorrow.
—Rite of Marriage, (1) no. 37

Many Catholics in the United States hear this simple but powerful prayer at the conclusion of a Catholic wedding ceremony. As part of the final blessing bestowed upon the couple, it captures well the Church’s fervent prayer for both husband and wife as they begin their new life together. It expresses the hope of the entire Christian community that care, concern, and support will be present to them during their most joyful and most sorrowful times.

Newly married couples begin life together in anticipation that their marriages will last. What they desire deeply within their hearts on their wedding day conforms to God’s deepest desire for them. If a marital relationship subsequently ruptures—for any one of myriad reasons, and despite all attempts to remedy their situation—couples can find themselves in very uncertain and sometimes fearful circumstances. (2)

The Catholic Church’s teaching and discipline regarding divorce are rooted in the words of Jesus (see Mt 19:3-9, Mk 10:2-12, and Lk 16:18). This teaching affirms that God’s plan for marriage—from the very dawn of Creation (see Gn 1:28 and 2:18-24)—is a partnership of mutual and lasting fidelity.(3) Marriage is an irrevocable covenant brought about by the consent of the spouses, by which they agree to give and accept themselves completely through life’s inevitable challenges and celebrations. Accordingly, “between the baptized, ‘a ratified and consummated marriage
cannot be dissolved through any human power or for any reason other than death.’”(4) Because of the enduring sinfulness of the human condition, the Church recognizes that a separation of the spouses can later occur—often for grave and unfortunate reasons—with the original marriage bond remaining. (5)

The above epigraph from the Rite of Marriage reflects St. Paul’s Letter to the Romans, wherein he exhorts the Christian community to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom 12:15). It follows Paul’s moving reflection on the body of Christ and the role that each part of the body exercises in supporting the others in loving communion. Persons who experience marital discord will naturally turn to the comfort of family and friends for initial support. As a family of faith, moreover, the entire Christian community—made present to the couple on their wedding day—is exhorted to accompany those who suffer from an irremediable marriage situation. Pope John Paul II was an especially strong proponent of the Church’s responsibility in this regard. Referring to persons who are separated or divorced but not remarried civilly, he stated that

The ecclesial community must support such people more than ever. It must give them much respect, solidarity, understanding and practical help, so that they can preserve their fidelity even in their difficult situation; and it must help them to cultivate the need to forgive which is inherent in Christian love, and to be ready perhaps to return to their former married life. (6)

Parishioners and parish leaders might well ask themselves: How are separated and divorced persons treated in this parish? What is the parishioners’ prevalent attitude toward persons who are separated or civilly divorced? Pope John Paul II characterized the fundamental Christian attitude that ought to permeate a parish’s response: “let these men and women know that the Church loves them. . . . it is necessary to welcome them with charity and kindness.” (7) In his first encyclical, devoted to the meaning and exercise of Christian charity, Pope Benedict XVI further reflected on the ecclesial exercise of charity: “as a community, the Church must practice love. Love thus needs to be organized if it is to be an ordered service to the community.” (8)

Putting Faith in Practice

In 2005, to inaugurate its National Pastoral Initiative on Marriage, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops invited dioceses to conduct focus groups with married Catholics, including spouses who are separated or divorced. The focus groups presented recommendations for pastoral outreach to those in this situation. “Many spoke of the need for resources (lists of counselors, reading materials, websites) that could be posted on a parish and/or diocesan website. . . . [for] parish-based support groups. . . . [and for] programs for divorce care . . . that reinforce Catholic teaching.” Other participants recommended that “parishes sponsor activities that are not always family-centered.”(9)

Pastoral practices aimed at persons who are separated or divorced are best complemented by catechetical initiatives to form the entire parish community in becoming welcoming and encouraging examples of Christian evangelization. (10) Such initiatives can provide needed clarity in explaining truthfully the Church’s teachings related to marriage and reconciliation and offer the needed correctives for today’s misconceptions. Through such initiatives, brokenness can be healed, self-worth can be affirmed, and isolation can be overcome. Thus welcomed into the Body of Christ, the separated and divorced are able to draw closer to the Lord, discover the rich mercy of his promise of forgiveness, and remain ever confident of the Lord’s commitment to shoulder their burdens along with them (see Mt 11:30).

Some separated and divorced Catholics express the mistaken notion that their situation objectively sets them outside the Catholic community. This could not be further from the truth. It is essential that divorced Catholics know that they are not excommunicated under church law and that their right and responsibility to participate in the life of the Church—which they possess by virtue of Baptism—does not cease with the breakup of their marital union.(11) In fact, participation in the life of the Church is essential for continued growth in the faith.

It is true that Catholics who are divorced and civilly remarried present a unique challenge for the Church’s ministry. In fidelity to the teaching of Christ and the prescriptions of canon law, the civil union is invalid. Couples in these situations therefore “find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God’s law.”(12) They may not receive the Eucharist or exercise other official functions within the Church until their sinful situation is resolved. Divorced and civilly remarried Catholics can and should remain active in many other ways, however, such as reflecting on the Word of God, attending Mass, fostering works of charity and justice, cultivating a spirit and practice of penance, and continuing to guide their children in the Catholic faith. (13)

Daily parish life offers pivotal moments for ongoing catechesis on the Church’s teachings related to marriage and reconciliation. Adult faith formation programs, retreats, homilies, missions, and formation for newly married couples are suitable occasions to address marital difficulties as they arise. Because the pain and rupture of separation and divorce extend to other family members, children of separated and divorced Catholics should hold a special place within the Church’s healing and catechetical ministries. Some divorced Catholics have expressed concern that their children’s legitimacy will be affected by a subsequent declaration of nullity by a church court. These persons ought to be assured, however, that the children’s legitimacy is not affected by such declarations.(14) National and international programs developed specifically for separated and divorced persons can be adapted with great effect to attend to families’ emotional needs and support parents in fulfilling their natural and ecclesiastical obligations toward their children.

A Future Filled with Hope

The Church’s diverse response to Catholics who are separated or divorced is always faithful to Christ’s teaching on the indissolubility of marriage and the Church’s vigilance concerning scandal. Parish staffs, in collaboration with diocesan personnel, should work closely with Catholics who find themselves in these situations to explore the various options that are available for remedying their situations. In some instances, it will be helpful to discuss with a church tribunal official the possibility of petitioning for a declaration of matrimonial nullity. (15) Pastors and priests will also want to work closely with spouses who were believed to have been instrumental in the breakup of their marriage for proper conscience formation and signs of repentance. (16)

The gospel message makes evident the truths that sin and suffering will continue to exist, even within marriages of well-intentioned Catholics, and that God’s everlasting love is revealed in the Lord’s unending promise of forgivenessvand the hope of a new beginning. Christian hope “affords us joy even under trial,” (17) permitting us to proclaim with the words of St. Paul, “Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction” (Rom 12:12).

This material was originally developed as a resource for Catechetical Sunday 2010.

Notes

  1. See Rite of Marriage, in The Rites of the Catholic Church, study ed. (New York: Pueblo Publishing Company, 1990).
  2. A 2007 Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) study commissioned by the Committee on Marriage and Family Life of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) reported that 13 percent of adult Catholics in the United States are currently separated or divorced, a statistic
    that mirrors the incidence of divorce among the population
    of the United States generally. See CARA, Marriage in the Catholic Church: A Survey of U.S. Catholics, October 2007, www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/marriage_report.pdf.
  3. See Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), 2nd ed. (Washington,
    DC: Libreria Editrice Vaticana–USCCB, 2000), nos. 1603-1605, 1614.
  4. CCC, no. 2382, quoting Code of Canon Law: Latin-English Edition: New English Translation (CIC) (Washington, DC: Canon Law Society of America, 1998), c. 1141.
  5. See CIC, cc. 1152-1153.
  6. Pope John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation On the Family (Familiaris Consortio) (Washington, DC: USCCB, 1982), no. 83.
  7. Pope John Paul II, Address to the Pontifical Council for the Family (January 24, 1997), nos. 2 and 4, www.vatican.va.
  8. Pope Benedict XVI, Encyclical God Is Love (Deus Caritas Est) (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2006), no. 20.
  9. For the complete focus group report, see www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/separated.shtml.
  10. See USCCB, National Directory for Catechesis (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2005), no. 36.C.2.
  11. See CCC, no. 1651.
  12. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church Concerning the Reception
    of Holy Communion by the Divorced and Remarried Members of the Faithful (Annus Internationalis Familiae) (September 14, 1994), no. 4, www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_14091994_rec-holy-comm-by-divorced_en.html. See also Pontifical Council for Legislative Texts, Declaration “Concerning the Admission to Holy Communion of Faithful Who Are Divorced and Remarried” (June 24, 2000), www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/intrptxt/documents/rc_pc_intrptxt_doc_
    20000706_declaration_en.html.
  13. Pope John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, no. 84; see also CCC, no. 1651, and Pope Benedict XVI, Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation The Sacrament of Charity (Sacramentum Caritatis) (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2007), no. 29.
  14. See CIC, c. 1137.
  15. See USCCB, United States Catholic Catechism for Adults (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2006), 288-289.
  16. CCC, no. 2386.
  17. CCC, no. 1820.

About the document

The document Divorce and the Church’s Healing Ministry was developed as a resource by the Committee on Evangelization and Catechesis of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Richard J. Malone, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

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Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage

On our 25th wedding anniversary, Neil and I celebrated with our faith community at Mass. By chance the Gospel was the parable of the prodigal son, but it probably wasn’t chance at all! This story is often applied to parents and children, but as I listened, I heard our journey in marriage.

I remembered one of our sons saying that the father didn’t just happen to be on the hill that day, that he went out every day and watched the road, waiting to forgive. In many ways this is what happens in marriage. We become road watchers. Marriage involves waiting, sometimes through real or emotional distance, sometimes through deep hurts, and it calls us to seek and offer forgiveness. Marriage asks that we not take forgiving for granted, but instead that we celebrate when it happens. Love demands that we stand by the road every day watching for each other, welcoming each other home.

At that Mass, I listened to Fr. Rich talk about forgiveness in the Gospel, and I realized that being married to Neil had taught me to stand in a place of forgiveness. In fact, reconcilication is the most critical work of the first years of marriage, and if a couple does it well, it becomes the work and the gift of a lifetime.

One of the graces present in the sacrament of marriage is the grace of healing and forgiveness. When we come to marriage we each bring our histories – healed or broken, reflected upon or repressed – to our life together. Our vocation is to help each other become fully human. This means finding a way to share hurts, to risk allowing the other person to know us so intimately that we are willing to open up old wounds and allow God to heal them through each other. Marriage at its best creates a safe space where healing and forgiveness can take place. It offers the possibility of having a companion to share the journey, someone to will help us to dig a litter deeper, to reflect more fully.

One of the best parts of being forgiven is the freedom it brings. Jesus taught us to ask for forgiveness when he taught us to pray. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” invites God to forgive us as we forgive.

Another way to look at it is to say, loose the cords that bind us as we have released the strands we hold of another’s guilt. In marriage we can hold each other fast, or we can release each other to grow toward wholeness. It is always a choice!

Early in our marriage, Neil and I didn’t know how to free each other. We had grown up in homes where feelings were not shared, and where reconciling was difficult. In my home it was not safe to express anger. In Neil’s home disagreement could lead to estrangement. Because we brought these broken places to our marriage, we found ourselves unable to have healthy conflict and to move to reconciliation. Our joy in each other changed to distance, and living together became a strain. I wanted to leave, but I was too scared, so I picked fights, threw tantrums, and in general made Neil’s life miserable. One evening I asked him, “Why do you put up with this? Why don’t you just leave?” Neil grabbed my arms and said, “Don’t you know, you are worth waiting for?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was worth much at all. But Neil seemed to think so, and somewhere deep inside I felt hope. And hope, once the cords are loosed, will grow. Neil gave me a gift of forgiveness with his words, and with that gift I could begin to forgive myself. And it is a gift that keeps on giving.

When our second son was going through a rough time in his teens, he yelled at me, “Why do you and Dad put up with me? Why don’t you throw me out?” I heard myself in those words, and I hear Neil in my response,“Don’t you know you are worth waiting for?” The gift had come full circle. When we are forgiven and healed we are able to see our true selves, the beloved of God, and because we know it, we can share it.

Because of the things that Neil and I encountered on our road together, I have learned to forgive myself, my parents, uncontrolled events, God, our children, and Neil.

A friend of mine says that the concept of “forgive and forget” comes from chivalry, not from Scripture, and she described forgiving this way: “You know you have forgiven when you can remember the incident but not relive the feelings.”

I would add one more piece to her definition: You have forgiven when you are able to bless the incident. It is easy to bless the good things in life, but when I remember the times I have been hurt and am able to see the blessing that came from it, I know I have been healed. It is in the blessing that the pain becomes a gift.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Drug Use Can Ruin a Marriage

Famous Last Words: “Mom, I can change him.”

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right is hard enough. You finally locate someone who shares your interests, who’s attractive, sympathetic, enjoys being with you. There’s only one problem: He (or she) uses drugs. Maybe it’s just once or twice a month; maybe it’s every weekend, or every day. No one’s perfect, you say to yourself; everyone has a least one weakness.

Should you get married to a drug user? No one but you can make that decision. But before you make it, here are some things to consider.

Most drug users, especially the heavy users, have one great love: their addiction. The more they get into drugs, the more time and effort they put into feeding their addiction. Life becomes a cycle: finding drugs, using them, and acquiring the means to use more. Love of family–and time for family activities–take a distant second place to love of drugs.

Employment, Finances and Drugs

Most drug users are poor providers. Many are unemployed. But even those who are employed full-time have far higher job turnover rates than non-users, according to a 2007 study from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. In fact, drug users are more than twice as likely as non-users to have worked for three or more employers in just a year’s time.

It’s hard to keep a job when you’re on drugs. And for drug users, good jobs are harder to find. A 2003 PBS documentary reported that virtually all of the Fortune 500 companies require drug tests before they hire new workers. They also conduct random drug tests on their existing employees. Drugs and work don’t mix.

Drugs cost money, lots of it. The money paid for drugs comes from funds that would ordinarily go to feeding, sheltering and clothing a family, paying for the children’s education, and for all the other expenses of raising a family. And the drug-related expenses go beyond the cost of the drugs themselves. Overdoses, drug-related illnesses, traffic accidents caused by drugs: these are just some of the things that put people in hospital emergency rooms. If your spouse is “between jobs,” as many drug users are, chances are good, unless you have health insurance yourself, that you’ll be paying for all this medical treatment out of pocket.

There’s a strong relationship between drugs and crime. Some of it comes from the search for money to buy drugs. But a lot of violent crime comes from people doing things under the influence of drugs that they would never consider doing when sober. Unfortunately, much of that crime takes place within the home itself. There are many stories of drug-related abuse.

Drug Use Affects the Whole Family

One story that captured the headlines some years ago involved a Manhattan lawyer who threw his six-year-old daughter against a wall and then sat in front of the girl, smoking cocaine with his companion, a book editor and author, while the girl lapsed into a coma and eventually died. When police arrived at the apartment, they also found a 17-month- old boy, soaked in urine, encrusted with dirt, tethered by rope to a filthy playpen. Why would two such intelligent people be so heedless and reckless in their behavior unless their minds were messed up with drugs?

Drug users and their families develop a whole new group of friends: the wrong ones. These new friends, and the things they do, are all part of the drug culture: fellow pot smokers, crack cocaine addicts, heroin dealers, prison cell mates – not to mention the self-rationalizations, the lies to family, friends and employers, shoplifting, stealing from parents, the street robberies, prostitution, emergency room visits, and frequently death.

Too often, the whole family gets sucked into the drug culture: ten-year-olds who get sent by their mothers out into the streets to buy crack; six-year-olds who are burned to death when their parents’ jerry-rigged methamphetamine labs explode. Some experiment with drugs thinking they’ll escape the demands of life, and then often realize they’ve found a new way of life, one far worse then they ever imagined – and one they find it impossible to escape. And too often they bring their families along with them.

Once you start, it’s tough to stop. Avram Goldstein, a medical doctor and Professor Emeritus of Pharmacology at Stanford University, put it this way in his book, “Addiction”: “There is some truth in the saying ‘Once an addict, always an addict.’ The formerly addicted person has drug-related memories and experiences not shared by those who have never been addicted. And these – under the right conditions – can trigger a relapse.” Consider all the Hollywood stars and sports stars who have been in and out of rehab facilities. Even if their efforts are successful, people in rehab give up their prime years – years when they could be focusing on building a career and raising families.

Can you change him (or her)? Anything is possible. But before you take the plunge, give some serious thought to the kind of life you aspire to – and just as importantly, what kind of future you’d like your children to have.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.

Forgiveness Fundamentals

Every marriage has conflict and hurts; that’s a constant. It’s what we do with those hurts that varies. Christ desires that we forgive those hurts and allow the Holy Spirit to heal and bring new life into our marriages.

Here are some forgiveness fundamentals that we hope will be helpful for your marriage.

Forgiveness is a paradox

Forgiveness is tricky; it is both a decision and a process. It is a decision because it involves using our will and intellect to decide to forgive. It is not a feeling; we need to decide to forgive. Yet it is also a process because we have a right to work through the hurt with somebody who is helpful and will validate our feelings (a good friend, a priest, a therapist, etc). Do not wait to feel like you need to forgive because that may never happen. That said, if you have a very hard time forgiving, the very first place to start is prayer: ask God for the grace to decide to forgive as you process the hurts with somebody you trust.

Forgiveness does not excuse

Forgiving somebody does not, in any way, excuse the hurt that was done. It is a decision to let go of retribution and to allow God to begin to heal. When we let go of the hurt, God can start to redeem it and bring good from it.

Use rituals to forgive and heal

Many individuals and couples love to privately write down all their hurts and then safely burn the paper in order to grieve and let go of these hurts. If you choose to do this, watch the ritual. The ash is a different substance from the paper (a chemical change). And ash can be used as fertilizer! This is exactly what God wants to do with our hurts as well. God will turn our hurts into good when we give them over to God. But if we hold onto our hurts too much, God respects our free will and may not be able to transform them into the new life God wants for us.

You have a right to your justified anger

You do not have a right to take that anger out on yourself, your loved ones, or your spouse. Think of an “anger bottle” or “anger safe.” Place all your daily anger in this space and tell it that you will get to it later that day. Then when you are able, set aside time to journal your anger out, talk it out, exercise it out, pray it out, etc. When you exercise and start to sweat, that is when you open your “anger bottle” up and let go of the anger, harness the anger. As a member of the Body of Christ you have dominion over your anger and your hurt. You own it and you can use it for the good; it doesn’t own you.

Forgive and forget…not!

I am not sure who coined the phrase “forgive and forget” but only God is fully capable of that, and even God forgives and redeems (brings good from it). When it comes to understanding forgiveness it is good to understand how God made us. Women have larger hippocampi compared to men. The hippocampus is a structure in the brain that is connected to memory. Women remember differently (think 70 inch HDTV)! Men usually remember in much less detail (think black and white stick figures). As a therapist, Jim has heard this from so many couples over the years:

(wife): “Jim, I can’t forget this thing he did.” (husband): “Jim, I can’t remember what she can’t forget.” Both have been correct because of biology. Don’t even try to forgive and forget. It doesn’t work biologically.

Learn to forgive yourself

After you ask forgiveness from God and the person you offended, it can be very freeing to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself: “I forgive you.” If you do this use your first name and listen to your words of comfort. This has been a wonderfully freeing ritual for many people.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation

Catholics have the powerful Sacrament of Reconciliation, if they’re willing to use it. The wisdom of Father Pio (the twentieth century stigmatist) summed it up well: Even clean rooms need frequent dusting. Yes, our marriages need cleaning and dusting and the grace of the sacrament of reconciliation is a powerful way to open up our souls to the Holy Spirit’s refreshing life.

About the author
Maureen Otremba, M.A, and James Otremba, M.Div, M.S., LICSW offer marriage workshops and retreats for parishes and dioceses. To learn more go to: http://www.eucharisticmarriage.com/.

© 2010, The Foundational Intimacy: Eucharist as the Model for Marriage Workshop. Used with permission.

The Truth About Divorce Statistics

“The truth about marriage is that divorce is getting less common,” New York Times writer Tara Parker-Pope says in her newly released book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage” (Dutton, 2010). For a variety of reasons, “divorce rates have dropped sharply since peaking in the late 1970s,” she observes.

Parker-Pope frequently reports on current marriage research in the Times. Her book says that in recent years she has “interviewed dozens of the world’s top marriage and relationship researchers, and pored over hundreds of published research studies,” exploring “what science has taught us about lasting relationships and the complexities of courtship, love and marriage.”

Inflated divorce statistics can be harmful, Parker-Pope suggests. She is concerned that misleading statistics have “trained a generation to be ambivalent about marriage and divorce.” People are left asking, “If half of all married couples are getting divorced, what’s the big deal?”

Parker-Pope cautions that incorrectly understanding current divorce statistics may result in many people believing that “marriage is more fragile than it really is.” Believing that more people are destined to divorce than is the case could lead some couples simply to give up when problems occur in their marriages, she fears.

The “grim statistic” that 50 percent of marriages are destined to end in divorce has been repeated for years, “but that bleak prognosis doesn’t apply to most couples getting married today or even most of those who married in the last few decades,” according to Parker-Pope. The problem, she adds, lies at least partly in how divorce rates tend to be calculated.

Her book holds that “because so many variables in the marriage-and-divorce equation are changing, a simple calculation comparing marriages and divorces in a given year ends up distorting the result and suggesting that the divorce rate is higher than it really is.”

One factor in the overall divorce-rate picture is that couples today tend to marry at an older age than was the case in 1970, for example. Studies indicate that the “risk for divorce drops significantly when couples wait to wed until after the age of twenty-five,” Parker-Pope writes. She says an added benefit of marrying at a later age may be that “many of the weakest relationships are ending before a couple ever heads to the altar.”

It is true that couples married in the 1970s divorce at high rates, according to Parker-Pope. Then couples typically married “in their late teens and early twenties,” she states; statistics show that the 30-year divorce rate among these couples “is about 47 percent.”

But Parker-Pope finds that “people married in the 1980s and 1990s are getting divorced at lower rates than their counterparts married in the 1970s.” In fact, she says it appears that marital stability is “improving each decade.”

So, for Parker-Pope, today “the good news” is that “far more people are succeeding at marriage than failing.” She says research suggests that “far more than half of married couples today stay married.”

Nonetheless, she points out that “a sizable minority of marriages will eventually fail.” She notes, as well, that fewer people today marry at all.

The writer cautions that current statistics on divorce do not mean that marriage has become easy. Actually, Parker-Pope finds that contemporary couples “have far higher expectations of marriage than did earlier generations.” Social shifts have “raised the bar” for marriage in terms of the emotional fulfillment that is sought, the partnership and fairness that is desired, and the strong sense many spouses have that they ought to remain soul mates.

Marijuana: What Every Parent Should Know

How likely is it that my child will use marijuana?

Marijuana use is widespread, especially among teens. Each year, the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan conducts an extensive survey of 8th, 10th, and 12th graders. The 2008 survey found that by the 12th grade, 43 percent of the students had tried marijuana, 19 percent had used it in the month preceding the survey, and five percent used it every day.

When should I start worrying about it?

Earlier than you might think. According to Dr. Karen Miotto, a professor at the UCLA School of Medicine and former director of its Alcoholism and Addiction Medicine Service, “kids are starting to experiment with marijuana at ages 10 or 11.” But the most important years come when the child leaves middle school for high school, says Joseph Califano, Jr., head of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. Fourteen-year olds are three times more likely to be offered marijuana than 13-year olds, he says.

Is marijuana harmful?

Marijuana has both short-term and long-term effects. Like alcohol, it can affect concentration and slow down reaction times. That’s an especially serious problem for teenage drivers at a time in their lives when they are experimenting behind the wheel. Traces of marijuana tend to linger in the body for several days. Those who use it only occasionally may be under the false impression they have “sobered up,” even though their reaction times continue to be affected.

Marijuana also affects short-term memory, making it more difficult to handle complex tasks, study, and learn, a serious problem for teenagers who should be developing the learning habits and working skills that will prepare them for their adult responsibilities.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, those who use marijuana frequently can develop “amotivational syndrome,” leading to problems including “not caring about what happens in their lives, no desire to work regularly, fatigue, and a lack of concern about how they look.” Dr. Richard N. Rosenthal of Columbia University recently put it this way: “The people who become chronic users don’t have the same lives and the same achievements as people who don’t use chronically.”

Can my child become addicted to marijuana?

According to a 1999 study of the Institute of Medicine cited in The News York Times, only nine percent of the people who used marijuana became addicted. (By comparison, 17 percent become addicted to cocaine and 23 percent to heroin.)

On the other hand, today’s marijuana can be as much as five times more potent than the product of the 1970s. “Now that people have access to very high potency marijuana, the game is different,” Dr. Nora D. Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, told the Times. There was a time, she says, when “people thought cocaine was a very benign drug.” With marijuana, she added, “it’s going to take some real fatalities for people to pay attention.” One 50-year old man interviewed by the Times said that he had kicked heroin and cocaine, but still couldn’t kick marijuana.

Does using marijuana necessarily lead kids to harder drugs?

Whether marijuana is a “gateway drug” is a source of some contention. One study by Columbia University’s Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, found that “children who use marijuana are 85 times more likely to use cocaine than non-marijuana users.”

But Dr. Alan J. Budney, a professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at the University of Vermont, sees the “gateway” concept as confusing. He says that “99 percent of cocaine or heroin users have smoked pot. So in some ways it is a precursor. The other side of that is that 85 percent of people who smoke pot only smoke pot.”

Yet if 85 percent don’t graduate to harder drugs, that means that 15 percent (or one out of seven) do. So it might be likened to a game of Russian Roulette with an old pistol whose barrel has seven chambers and one bullet. Experimenting with marijuana won’t necessarily lead to harder drugs, but it’s an experiment with an unacceptably high degree of risk.

How do I know if my kids are using it?

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) offers some warning signs that your child may be using marijuana. Signs that he or she may be high include dizziness and trouble walking; becoming silly and giggly for no apparent reason; having very red, bloodshot eyes; and having a hard time remembering things that just happened.

Some behavioral signs of marijuana use include withdrawal, depression, and fatigue; hostility toward family and friends; changes in academic performance and loss of interest in sports. Of course, as NIDA points out, behavioral changes can simply be a sign of difficulties with adolescence.

Parents should also be aware of such things as signs of drugs and drug paraphernalia, including pipes and rolling papers; odor on clothes and in the bedroom; and clothing, posters, jewelry and other objects promoting drug use.

Finally, know your kids’ friends. They are the ones most likely to initiate them into drug use.

Is there anything I can do to prevent my children from using marijuana?

You are the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs. A 2000 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help?

  • First, become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. Your kids most likely know much more about the current drug scene than you do, and you need to speak to them with the authority that knowledge brings.
  • Second, discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. Know the arguments for and against. This may be the most important debate you will ever have. The best place to discuss the subject is the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids.
  • Third, be a role model for your kids. When it comes to using any addictive substance, legal or otherwise, nothing speaks louder than your own good example.

Where can I read more about marijuana and its effects on kids?

A number of sites on the internet can provide you with all the factual information you will need to discuss the subject with your children. Here are three sites that you may find helpful:

White House Office of National Drug Control Policy

The National Institute on Drug Abuse

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked at the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004