Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

Loving Parents After Miscarriage

A friend who recently lost a child through miscarriage called to express disappointment that she didn’t know where to turn for the resources and support she and her husband so desperately needed. This heartbreaking conversation reminded me of another friend who miscarried a child at six months of pregnancy, but who masked her pain with a smile instead of reaching out for comfort. Though each experienced the deep pain of losing a child, neither received the loving support she deserved.

Sadly, their experiences are common. Though most miscarriages occur very early in pregnancy, often before the woman knows she is pregnant, as many as 15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. Our culture and even some church communities don’t always recognize this loss, leaving women or couples to deal with their pain alone.

Our witness to life must address the pain and grieving experienced by those who have lost a child. Just as we recognize the humanity of the unborn child lost to abortion, we must acknowledge equally the unborn child lost to miscarriage. “I see clearly that the thing the church needs most today is the ability to heal wounds and to warm the hearts of the faithful; it needs nearness, proximity,” Pope Francis said recently. As Catholics and people of life, we are called to draw close to these parents and provide care and comfort to their aching hearts.

So what can we do to help parents grieve their loss and witness to the gift of their child’s life? We can acknowledge their loss, support them as they grieve, and direct them to helpful resources. How do we do this?

First, don’t dismiss their loss with comments like “You’re young; you’ll conceive again soon,” or “You still have your other children.” Instead, make time to listen as they share their pain. Affirm their right to grieve. Offer your condolences and prayers, and ask if there is anything they need. Direct the parents to their parish priest, who can help them organize a memorial service, funeral or burial. The Order of Christian Funerals has prayers for a stillborn child, and the Book of Blessings includes a blessing for parents that can be administered by a priest or deacon after a miscarriage. Some blessings can even be adapted for use by a layperson.

Keep in mind that the father and mother may have different emotional needs. She might feel the loss more directly, or wonder if somehow she caused the miscarriage. She might prefer to talk things out with a friend. The father may need space to eventually feel comfortable sharing how the loss affects him, and may even need time to take his mind off things. He might need guidance on how to support the mother. Losing a child can drive parents apart, so the couple might need the reassuring love of a faithful community to keep close and stay together. Child loss or bereavement support groups at their parish or local hospital can provide support, as well as spiritual advice or counseling.

As members of the body of Christ, the Church, we are called to bear witness to the loss of every life, no matter how brief or small. Let us pray that our growing sensitivity to the loss of a child through miscarriage will better assist grieving parents and help them to entrust their child to God’s unfailing care and mercy.

About the author
Mary McClusky is Assistant Director for Project Rachel Ministry Development at the Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities, U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. To learn more about the bishops’ pro-life activities, go to www.usccb.org/prolife.

Re-posted with permission from the USCCB Life Issues Forum.

The Family in Service of Life: An Adoption Story

Early married years

We were married on June 7, 1997. Three months later, we moved into our first home, an 1800 square foot historic house in Staunton, Virginia, a city of about 25,000 located in the heart of the Shenandoah Valley. It had four bedrooms – perfect for our plans of beginning a family. Rob was working as a youth minister and part-time high school teacher and Robin was the second grade teacher in the same Catholic school as Rob. In arranging our house, we thought that it was important to keep one room set aside as a perpetual guest room, open to receive whomever Our Lord might send to us. We felt that this was a room that should be preserved as such even when we began having our own children. Little did we know how abundant God’s plans would be.

After three years of marriage, it became clear to us that we were not able to have children. Several doctors could not find any obvious biological problems. We saw fertility specialists who finally said that the only hope for conception was in vitro fertilization – an option we were not willing to consider. We wanted the gift of children, but we did not want to manipulate and attempt to force a gift that Our Lord was not going to give us willingly.

Three children in a row

Then came the rush. Some friends of ours were on the board of the local foster unit of the Department of Social Services (DSS). They had a five-month old baby boy in their care who would eventually be free for adoption, once the parental rights had been terminated. But before they asked if we were willing to take in the baby, they warned us: the previous two families who were offered this child turned him down because of the extensive intestinal and brain damage he had suffered as a result of his birth mother’s illegal drug use. They thought he would likely not talk, not walk, and may eventually end up institutionalized. On April 21, 2000, Christopher was brought to our home. We never looked back.

In late June, we were approached again. This time, there were two little girls, five years old and nine months old. Would we be willing to accept them as likely adoptive children? Of course! So on July 8, less than three months after Christopher came to us, we were joined by Lisa and Lorianne. Our permanent guest rooms were now full, and we began to look for a larger home. In the meantime, Rob moved to a full-time teacher position at the school and Robin took a year off, providing after school care in our home as she began the all-important role of being mother to our three new children.

Another baby in need of a family

We did eventually move around the corner to an old Victorian house, giving us more space. For two years we continued raising our awesome children and doing our best to form them in the ways of the Church. In July of 2002, DSS called again. This time, they had an eleven-month old baby, the youngest of three who were removed from their family. They were expecting that after 3-4 months, the children would be placed back with their birth parents, once things had settled down. Samantha came to us unable to crawl, speak, make facial expressions, hold herself up, or even reach for things. Her initial doctor visit suggested that she might be paralyzed from the waist down, since she did not respond to any stimuli there. Her two other sisters, Shelby and Sabrina, were placed with another foster family. DSS did not want to place all three with us because they were concerned about the level of care that Samantha would require. All three girls had spent their days locked in a storage facility while their parents went to work. They were fed apple juice and Twinkies. Samantha just had apple juice and had lost weight since her eight-month checkup. We could see her bones, she was so thin.

Two more makes six

The next two years brought with them quite a trial. It was during that time that Christopher’s birth parents’ parental rights were terminated through a series of lengthy court hearings. Likewise, the legal process for Lisa and Lorianne came to a close. This allowed us to have the three kids baptized. Up until that time, we were not the permanent parents of them. Therefore, we could not reasonably promise (as is required at an infant baptism) to raise the children Catholic. Only after the adoption was finalized, were there no longer any obstacles to the responsibilities of Baptism. During these two years, it also became more and more evident that Samantha’s birth parents were not able to care for their children. The goal changed from returning the girls to their biological parents to moving them to a permanent placement. That permanent placement was with us. In the summer of 2004, then, our family welcomed Shelby and Sabrina, bringing us to a total of six children. Two years later, feeling a call to move to Robin’s hometown and wanting to start over as a forever family, we moved to Omaha, Nebraska. As we write this article, Lisa (18) is a freshman in college. Lorianne (14), Shelby (13), and Sabrina (12) attend a Catholic school here in Omaha. Christopher (13) and Samantha (11) attend a Catholic special needs school in town. Rob is actually the principal of this school, and Robin works for the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Omaha.

Lessons from adoption: difficulties and blessings

Along the way, we have had some trials and some great joys. One question we decided to settle very early on was about communicating the facts of their adoption to our children. From the time they entered our home, they knew that we were their “forever parents” (adoptive parents) and they came from their birth parents. We worked hard to make it clear that their birth parents loved them, but were not able to care for them. We taught them that God brings tremendous good out of bad situations, and that is how we became a family: a family that God put together from painful situations, a family called to bring healing and joy to one another and everyone we meet. As the kids would age, we disclosed more and more information about their previous situations to the extent that they could understand. About twice a year we do Google searches for their birth parents. Twice, these searches revealed deaths: Christopher’s birth mother had committed suicide in an overdose, and Samantha, Sabrina, and Shelby’s birth mother had died of an illness. We told our children and worked through the grief and conflicting emotions with them. We have remained very open about their respective situations. At first, we had a fear that if we told our children too much, perhaps they would want their birth parents instead of us. This fear faded over the years, as the love and trust in our family deepened.

The difficulties that come from adopting out of foster care are certainly present. When children are ripped from their birth parents (even if the birth parents are not doing their job well), they are hurt in the process. There is no doubt about it. That pain enters into the adoptive family, and God is calling on the new family to be the method of healing. For us, this meant helping our children deal with permanent brain damage, severe learning difficulties, epilepsy, attachment issues, major depression, and even suicide attempts. If you would have asked us back in 1997 if were ready for all that, we would have said, “No way!” But Our Lord provided the grace, the people to help, and the love to bring healing not only to our children, but to us as a couple as well.

The joys of adopting, however, far outweigh any difficulties. These joys are no different, perhaps, than any other family who gave birth to their children. We will say, though, that our children, maybe because of their origin and adoptions, have a tremendous heart for anyone who is downtrodden, suffering, or poor in any way. They are very quick to reach out and want to help those in need – those who stand in the same position they once stood. Seeing this is for us one of the greatest joys of adopting: our own children seeking to show the generosity that they were shown.

The family is called to serve life

In his apostolic exhortation Familiaris Consortio (The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World), Bl. Pope John Paul II named “serving life” as the second of four tasks of the family. God did not give the Lairds the ability to serve life through procreation and birth. Instead, He gave us the gift of serving the lives of those children He placed before us, and we are ever grateful for this gift. It has created our family and has transformed us as persons.

For families considering adoption, we have this to say: If Our Lord places the desire in your hearts, then go for it! All the difficulties begin to fade away when your brain damaged son throws a touchdown pass in the Special Olympics, or your daughters give money for less fortunate classmates to buy snacks after school, or your oldest daughter seeks a profession to help those who struggle to overcome the difficulties she once faced. Our family is not perfect, far from it. But in the end, the family that God put together has helped each of us follow Him more closely. And isn’t that the mission of the family?

About the authors
Rob and Robin Laird, pictured above with their children, were married on June 7, 1997. Rob is the Principal of Madonna School, a Catholic school serving students with special needs, and Robin is the Coordinator of Marriage and Family Ministries for the Archdiocese of Omaha. They currently reside in Omaha, Nebraska with their six children, Lisa, Lorianne, Christopher, Shelby, Sabrina, and Samantha.

Married Couples and the Challenge of Military Service

You are about to enter a union which is most sacred and serious, an image of Christ and the Church.” Generations of couples heard those words of the Exhortation Before Marriage found in the ritual for the Sacrament of Marriage as celebrated before the Second Vatican Council. Indeed, from the very beginning, Almighty God endowed the union between man and woman with a mission and blessed their commitment to each other. The Lord Jesus Christ raised that union to a sacrament and entrusted to Christian married couples the duty to mirror the love of Christ for his Church.

The calling to the Sacrament of Matrimony is so noble, yet it is currently challenged on many fronts, especially for military families in this time of war, deployment, and suffering. The active-duty chaplains who serve our men and women in uniform and those who minister in the hospitals of the Veterans Health Administration will confirm that one of the most serious by-products of the wars in the Middle East are the burdens placed on families. These burdens are a price that we will pay for generations to come. The weakening of matrimony and family life that results ultimately weakens our society and jeopardizes our future.

Post-Traumatic Stress

Certainly, a significant factor causing the pain that a marriage experiences after deployment is post-traumatic stress. Many of those who have served in the war zone suffer from this stress, which is related to traumatic experiences. However, some have speculated that almost everyone who has served in a war zone has suffered or suffers from some degree of post-traumatic stress.

Post-traumatic stress is not a new problem. Since the Civil War, various expressions have been used to describe the changes that affect a member of the military who has seen combat. “Shell-shocked” was the expression used after World War I, and “battle fatigue” was used after World War II.

What are the symptoms? Sufferers might have distressing recollections, nightmares, and flashbacks to events in the war zone. They may have seen comrades violently killed. They may have experienced an explosion at close quarters. They try to keep the event from their minds and at the same time avoid activities that used to bring them pleasure. They can feel detached and unable to love anyone. Sleep may become a challenge, which results in increased irritability, outbursts of anger, and an exaggerated concept of how much vigilance is necessary. It all stems from a lack of trust, because trust has been betrayed. If one or more of these symptoms persist longer than a month or two, then the person is clearly suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

It is not hard to imagine the effects on the sufferer’s family. After having experienced the hardship of separation, they find themselves reunited with a spouse who seems like a stranger to them. Tension can result from the simplest situations of everyday life. Misunderstandings are common. The communion of life, which describes marriage, suffers considerably.

For a variety of reasons, many of those who are afflicted do not seek help. Many might still be on active duty and are therefore reluctant to admit their need. They may fear discharge, which in the current economic situation could easily mean unemployment. Others, no longer on active duty, may worry about possible harm to their post-service career. Many, too, do not realize that they have been changed. They are unaware that something has happened. As is so easily the case, they blame the tension in their marriage on their partner.

Tours of duty in the war zone vary according to service and responsibilities, but no tour is easy for anyone. During my visit to Iraq during Holy Week, I was overwhelmed by the appreciation of those deployed there. I met the men and women who patrol hostile areas, those who care for the wounded, and those who are in positions of command. Their patriotism is obvious, but the weight of the separation from loved ones and the uncertainty of the future cannot fail to increase their burden.

By all accounts the situation in Afghanistan is worse. There, the men and women in uniform are being killed on routine journeys, victims of roadside bombs planted by an invisible enemy. Hundreds of injuries send the combatants home and affect families for the rest of their lives.

Yet back home, life must go on. The children must be educated, the family must be cared for, and decisions must be made. It is true that electronic communication is much better than ever before. The Internet allows frequent contacts. Many military installations have systems in place that allow parents to read to their children on a DVD that is then transmitted home, and other wonders of modern communication function well. Yet that is never the same as being there. Twenty-nine years of living far from loved ones made that lesson very clear to me.

The Economy and Other Tensions

It is true that the present economic situation does not have a direct effect on the military, in the sense that military personnel are not being let go. They experience no problems with unemployment themselves. However, they do experience all the other effects of an economic downturn. Spouses who work in the private sector may well have lost jobs. Frequent moves make spouses’ employment opportunities more precarious. Many enlisted personnel come from more challenged economic situations. They may be supporting many others, including extended family. That responsibility makes their limited incomes a greater hardship when the demands increase.

Deployment also means that a spouse becomes a single parent with all of the challenges that situation entails. The possibility that the condition may become permanent in the case of death in the line of duty also adds to the tension already present in the individual in the military, his or her spouse, and the family.

These tensions cannot fail to have their effect on the military family. Despite all of the military’s efforts to support family life, to give couples and families time together after deployments, and to recognize the strain provoked by the war, the incidence of divorce in military families is on the rise. Some extreme situations have involved homicide and suicide. In the face of separations and the pain of post-traumatic stress disorder, it is challenging to live the communion of life and love intended and blessed by Almighty God.

Reentry into Society

Certainly all of us, military and civilian, can help by our prayers and by our eagerness to welcome home the military personnel who return home to our cities and neighborhoods. We can also perceive their needs and try to offer some assistance in that complex process of reintegration into the family and society. We all contribute to making favorable the conditions that support matrimony as the sacrament of enduring love.

Could that not also mean “turning down the volume” in our society? One of the most striking changes that I have noticed in returning to the United States after years of residence abroad is the abrasiveness of our discourse. People from all sides of the political spectrum write and speak without any attempt at civility, courtesy, or those virtues that once defined a lady or a gentleman. Being convinced that my belief is correct is not an excuse to shout at my neighbor, call him names, or question his sincerity. If we, as Catholics, can remember to treat everyone with kindness and strive to keep uppermost in our minds the fact that every person is created in the image and likeness of God, we can render the Gospel more accessible to our world.

I am not certain if the violence and the abrasiveness so often seen on the television or heard on the radio reflect the condition of our society or if they are partial sources of it, but it is clear that each one of us can make a difference. Inaction is not a worthy response. A more serene society would also contribute to the returning veteran’s tranquility and ease.

Medical care and rehabilitation are indeed responsibilities of the Armed Forces and the federal government. However, I submit that we, as Catholics, have a duty to make our contribution to the psychological and spiritual rehabilitation of these brave young men and women who have sacrificed so much for their country. It is not even a question of agreeing with or sharing the political views of those who fostered the war. It is simply a question of responding to the moral imperative of the Gospel.

We can make a difference in our parish communities by seeking out returning veterans and trying, as a community, to help them reenter society and the rhythm of life in the United States. They may be strangers to their family. They have lost trust. They have been shaken by the atrocities of war. They need time to refamiliarize themselves with those dearest to them.

Marriage is indeed a union most sacred and serious. It is a wonderful gift to the Church and to society. Like all precious gifts it must be cared for, supported, and sustained.

This material was originally developed as a resource for Catechetical Sunday 2010.

About the document
The document Married Couples and the Challenge of Military Service was developed as a resource by the Committee on Evangelization and Catechesis of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Richard J. Malone, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

For more support for military marriages, please visit For Your Military Marriage.

Interview with Three Catholics Working To End Domestic Violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. To put a “face” to what can be done to combat domestic violence, For Your Marriage interviewed three Catholics who are working to raise awareness about domestic violence, to help victims and abusers, and ultimately to build a culture of peace where the family is a safe place for men, women, and children.

The three people interviewed are:

  • Sharon O’Brien, PhD, Archdiocese of Washington DC. Sharon is a Family Violence Research Consultant and is also the co-founder of the Catholic lay ministry Catholics for Family Peace.
  • Fr. Chuck W. Dahm, O.P., Archdiocese of Chicago. Fr. Dahm is the director of Domestic Violence Outreach for the Archdiocese of Chicago.
  • Dennis Butler, SPHR (Senior Professional in Human Resources), Diocese of Paterson, NJ. Dennis is the Chief Human Resources and Compliance Officer for the diocese and is also a member of the organizing committee for Catholics for Family Peace.

Please tell our readers about your work as it relates to domestic violence.

Sharon: I am an independent Family Violence Research Consultant. In 2003, I completed my graduate work in Human Development on the topic of family violence. Since then, I have worked on research projects, am a journal reviewer, write and am a speaker and trainer on how faith communities can respond effectively to domestic abuse. Most of my work has been with interfaith or faith specific boards which address the issue. Since 2010, I’ve worked with a group of other Catholics to create the lay ministry Catholics for Family Peace.

Fr. Dahm: I preach in parishes and then develop a ministry committee to raise awareness about domestic violence (DV) and to train staff and parishioners to be sensitive in receiving victims and finding resources to help them.

Dennis: As a Human Resources professional, my work in domestic violence/abuse has focused on recognizing the impact of domestic violence in the workplace. This impact ranges from the very “human” impact on the victims and their co-workers to the more “business” related impact on productivity, safety and medical costs. I have worked to educate business leaders and others to understand that domestic violence is not just a personal matter in which we should not be involved; rather it has a profound impact on our ability to get our jobs done, and everyone needs to see it exists, name it for what it is, and respond appropriately when it occurs.

Working for the Church, this role has expanded to include understanding and educating others about the impact on not just the ministerial workplace but on ministry itself.

How long have you been working with the issue of domestic violence, and what inspired you to work in this field?

Sharon: I’ve been in the field for about 10 years. I had wanted to study the role of forgiveness so I always say that God inspired me to focus on domestic abuse – I would not have thought of it myself! I am inspired to stay in the field by my interfaith colleagues. I want to help create for the Catholic community what some other faith communities have – an entity where clergy and pastoral care workers can seek training and guidance on the topic and where parishioners can get solid information on Catholic teaching about preventing domestic abuse and promoting family peace.

Fr. Dahm: For 17 years. I hired a pastoral counselor who opened my eyes to DV in our parish.

Dennis: I began working in Domestic Violence in 2002 at Liz Claiborne, my former employer. Liz had been involved in DV awareness and education for many years as the focus of their cause marketing program. As the head of employee relations, I faced a situation which I wasn’t sure how to handle. I had received a phone call from one of the other HR professionals seeking help for an employee. She described a woman who was very talented and considered a “rising star” who had just been promoted. She was concerned because recently there had been problems with her work, she was calling out sick a lot, and she was very curt with her co-workers. She had lost a lot of weight (only weighed 77 lbs.!) and had told the HR professional that her husband beats her. My colleague asked me what she should do. Although I had been working in Human Resources for many years, I didn’t know what to tell her.

I then started my own education and awareness efforts as I helped develop and implement a DV program that focused on the impact in the workplace. By the time I left Liz 7 years later, I had managed the workplace response to over 150 DV incidents affecting the workplace ranging from fairly routine performance issues to the murder of one of our employees by the father of her children.

I have continued this work in my position at the Diocese by establishing workplace policies and protocols and establishing a DV response team to address the issues as they occur in the ministerial workplace. I have also continued my efforts to educate others as part of the organizing committee for Catholics for Family Peace, the government agencies and the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence.

What do you wish the average “Catholic in the pew” knew about domestic violence?

Sharon: Oh, so many things! But three primary points:

a. Abuse and violence can and does happen in “good Catholic families”. It is an equal opportunity destroyer across faiths, race, and socioeconomic classes.

b. It is not “Catholic” to be abusive and violent nor is it “Catholic” to accept abuse and violence in the family. Abuse is based on an erroneous set of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors, all of which can be changed.

c. Whether one is the abuser, the abused, or the child witnessing the abuse, I would like them to know that God loves them, does not want them to suffer or cause suffering, and has not abandoned them – they can ask Him specifically for guidance as to the next right step.

Fr. Dahm: It is all around us, much too common and unseen. As the bishops have written, “No one is expected to stay in an abusive marriage.” A husband or wife who is being abused should know that they can physically separate from their spouse for the sake of their safety and their children’s safety.

Dennis: Ideally, every “Catholic in the pew” needs to know three basic things about domestic violence. They need to: RECOGNIZE the signs of domestic violence in themselves and others which can be both physical and psychological; RESPOND appropriately by being supportive, sympathetic and non-judgmental, but not acting as a counselor or rescuer; and REFER them to someone qualified to help them act safely and appropriately by giving them the telephone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or a local domestic violence agency.

What can Catholic families do to help prevent domestic violence, to help those who are in abusive situations, or to help build a culture of peace?

Sharon: It is imperative to know that we may be God’s answer to someone’s search for help! We (Catholics for Family Peace) recommend the R3 approach – recognize, respond, and refer. There is a free app which explains the core of it. In essence, recognize abusive behaviors: we recommend the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) website for information. Respond to people with the heart of Jesus: listen and believe; they may be telling you of deep pain and trauma. Refer: know the number of the NDVH so you can share it when appropriate.

It is so important to get informed and to reflect God’s love to each other. Survivors tell us all the time that the thing that helped them seek help was someone reflecting their worth as a person. It could have been an expression of concern, an encouraging word, or a factual statement about how well they did something. I love the story of an abused wife with a large family who realized for the first time that Catholics cared when she saw the When I Call for Help resource card in her church’s restroom. It was the first time she had an inkling that she was not the only Catholic woman to experience domestic abuse. How simple is it to keep resource cards in the church restrooms?

I do have three specific points:

a. Pray each day for all those touched by domestic abuse that they may seek God’s wisdom and strength to take the next step to experiencing peace.

b. Memorize the National Domestic Violence Hotline number so you can share it with someone in need. It is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Also, check out their website for much useful information.

c. Learn to practice personal peacemaking behaviors. Abuse is more than physical. It includes the emotional and psychological ways we use to hurt each other, leaving deep wounds. I recommend highly that people check out any of the various 12 step programs as a way to learn peaceful responses and in the process learn to prevent abuse and violence. There are about 25 different types of 12 step programs. They are free, anonymous, and are deeply rooted in our spiritual tradition of depending upon God for wisdom and direction. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family (immediate or extended), I recommend they visit six meetings of an Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) Group to see if it helps them to practice peacemaking behaviors. It might be God’s answer on how to find a solution.

Fr. Dahm: Parents must instill self-esteem in their children and help them realize that they should never allow anyone, even a loved one, to abuse them in any way. They need to communicate to anyone they know that they do not have to stay in an abusive relationship.

Dennis: Catholics can prevent domestic violence by creating awareness in themselves, their children and their families that abuse, whether physical or psychological, is never acceptable. To help the abused, it is important that once they see signs of an abusive relationship, they respond empathetically and in a non-judgmental way. They should not act as counselors or “take sides”; rather, they should refer them to someone who can help through either the National DV Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233) or www.ndvh.org), a local Domestic Violence agency or a member of the clergy. To build a culture of peace, Catholics must speak to their children early so they understand violence in any form is not acceptable in any relationship, whether on the school playground, in a dating relationship or in a marriage. Victims and abusers must know help is available to break the cycle of violence.

What aspect of the USCCB statement “When I Call for Help” has been most helpful for your work?

Sharon: I like every word of it and my personal copy is all marked up. I find that the line that astonishes and helps people the most is on page 1: “The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promise.” I think this is so helpful because there is confusion about what things we should “offer up as suffering” and what the marriage promise of “better or worse” means. The Bishops have made it clear that abuse and violence in a marriage needs to be addressed.

Fr. Dahm: The quote mentioned above (in question 3).

Dennis: Overall the USCCB’s statement “When I Call for Help” gives an excellent overview of what domestic violence is and makes it clear that “violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form— physical, sexual, psychological or verbal—is sinful; often it is a crime as well.” Even more important, however, is that the statement makes it clear that contrary to what many may have misconstrued, the Bible is never to be used to support the concept that domestic violence is acceptable, even if addressing it means that a husband or wife seeks a separation from their spouse, or even a civil divorce and annulment in certain cases.

What is on your “wish list” in regards to the Church’s response to domestic violence?

Sharon: For a book chapter, I outlined how 18 different religions address domestic violence. Thus, I say with confidence that the USCCB wrote and endorsed a comprehensive and compassionate pastoral letter, When I Call for Help. My three wishes are all related to this excellent statement. They are for:

a. Clergy and pastoral staff to read and integrate the pastoral statement, When I Call for Help, into their work. They can find it, homilies, and other resources on our website at Catholics for Family Peace.

b. Each parish to ensure that some entity is responsible for promoting the suggestions, on an ongoing basis, as presented in When I Call for Help. For example, a Wellness Committee, the Young Adult Ministry or the Women and Men’s Groups in the parish would be appropriate groups.

c. Parishes to post flyers and information about healthy relationships. Free downloadable materials are available from our website, Catholics for Family Peace (www.catholicsforfamilypeace.org).

Fr. Dahm: Bishops need to speak about this and urge clergy to preach on it at least once a year. Seminarians must be taught about how to recognize DV and respond. Family ministries need to include DV in marriage preparation and other services. Catholic Charities must prepare their counselors in DV counseling. Catholic Charities should have a specific program for DV.Catholic Schools should teach about DV. DREs and principals need to be trained in DV so they can teach their teachers and catechists how to recognize and respond. DV needs to be a topic of a clergy meeting at least once every 5 years.

Dennis: My wish list for the Church on domestic violence is that pastors, priests and Catholic leaders speak out on this important issue on a regular and continuing basis. This should be done from the pulpit, in family life programs and in our Catholic schools. In speaking out they need to help all Catholics, from our youth to our elderly, to recognize the signs of relationship abuse in themselves, their fellow parishioners and students, to respond appropriately to assure the safety of the abused on a basis consistent with Catholic teaching, and to refer the abused and the abusers to get the help they need. They should also encourage praying for those who suffer and cause abuse and for the end of all forms of domestic violence and abuse.

Intercultural Marriage: Making It Work

When nurses call out Becky Wang’s name in waiting rooms of doctors’ offices, they usually get a confused look when she stands up.

“I can tell they are looking for someone Asian and when they see me they have to re-shift their thoughts,” she said. Her husband, Dennis, is Chinese American, and she is from a white family. “A lot of people assume you are a matched set. They don’t expect me to be Caucasian.”

The occasional confused look is the least of the challenges faced by couples in interracial and intercultural marriages. Being raised in different cultures means couples have to negotiate different communication patterns, agree on what they want for their mixed-race children, and learn to accept new traditions.

Marriages between partners of different races are happening more and more often. The rate of interracial marriages increased by 28 percent in the last decade, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. That number will only continue to increase as minority populations come to outnumber the white majority in America in the next 30 years, as projected by the Census.

Just like any marriage, however, the thing that binds interracial couples together, and what helps them bridge the divides they face, is having the same values and shared vision of life. “Despite having different families of origin, our values are aligned,” Becky said. “Our priorities all align despite our different upbringings and heritage. That’s what makes it work.”

The Cultural Divide

When a white person marries a person of color, they step into a new world. Their spouse knows how to navigate both the culture of their own race as well as the mainstream majority culture in America. For a white person who has only known that majority culture, it can be eye-opening to see things from a new perspective.

For example, Christa Burson grew up in a white family who ran a buffalo ranch in rural Minnesota. She married Mike, who grew up in an African American family in Chicago, and the two liken their story to the country mouse meeting the city mouse.

“When Mike and I got married, I knew some of his background, but I didn’t know the depth of it,” Christa said. “I was a little naïve at first, thinking that his background was a thing of the past, that we were starting something new. I thought, ‘I’m not racist, so it won’t be an issue.’”

Mike explained that his family has experienced some of the unique challenges faced by many people of color in America, from lower socioeconomic status and education levels to housing trouble. His mother struggled with finding housing and consistent work, his father was struck with a disability and now lives in a nursing home, and his sister suffers from a mental illness.

“Christa didn’t expect the level of challenges my family would present,” he said. “Her family of origin is intact with loving, stable relationships. They are college-educated and have two jobs. They just don’t have the same level of stress.”

Christa had to take on these realities as part of her own story, now that she had tied her life to Mike’s—they were not part of her experience before. “I didn’t understand the depth of what we were getting into,” she said. “I had to learn to accept it—that this is my life and that this is our marriage. I had to grow up.

“I never really thought that these things would be my issues, and they definitely are my issues,” she said. “But that is the beautiful thing about marriage—you don’t know where it will take you. It was kind of a leap with our different family dynamics.”

Pulled from Both Directions

When a person of color marries a white person, they do not enter a whole new world, but that is not to say that they get no pressure. They often feel a pullback to the culture of their family of origin.

“My mom worried that I would forget about her if I didn’t marry a Latina,” said Jesse Herrera, who married Emily, a white woman. Extended family is an essential value for Mexican Americans, he explained. Marrying a white person means losing some of those customs that would have bonded his new family with his extended family. His daughter, for example, probably will not celebrate a quinceañera, the ritualized celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday, when she reaches that age.

“My kids won’t know Spanish nearly to the extent that I would like them to simply because no one is speaking Spanish to them day in and day out like my parents did to me,” he said.

The Language Barrier

For couples who have families who speak different languages, communication itself can be a challenge. Emily’s family is white, and Jesse’s parents speak very little English, so when the couple spends time with his extended family, Spanish is the language everyone converses in.

Emily studied in France for a year, so she knows what it feels like to be displaced culturally, but missing whole conversations feels different, she said. “I know how to be open and flexible to different attitudes and cultures, but not being able to understand the conversation is difficult.”

Becky Wang relies on actions when words fail her in relating to her Chinese mother-in-law, who does not speak much English. “I may not be able to get to know her in a depth of what her life experiences have been, but what I can do is show my love and respect to her as an elder, as the mother of my husband, and grandmother to our kids,” she said. “Mostly what helps is knowing that she has the best intentions at heart for me and our family. This is maybe too simplistic, but short of learning Chinese, it is the best that I have come up with.”

Becky has the same experience as Emily when she is with Dennis’ family—everyone speaks Chinese, and she finds herself on the outside. “You can’t get bothered about not understanding what everyone says all the time,” she said. She focuses on the tone of the conversation, and she inquires about what they are saying. “I’m not afraid to ask what everyone is talking about,” she said.

How to Make it Work

For Mike and Christa Burson, it was important to find other interracial couples with whom they could socialize and a place to worship in which people of color are not severely outnumbered. “We can connect on a deeper level with other couples who understand our level of challenge,” Mike said. “I learn a lot by example—seeing other people move through life. Older couples who have been married for decades, especially. We watch how they relate. How they navigate life is valuable.”

And, of course, as with anything else in marriage, communication is the key. “Interracial marriages have an added onus to communicate because there is less that we share culturally,” Mike said. “Our experiences are different, so we need to get good at communicating pretty fast or things break down.”

For couples preparing for marriage, Christa encourages spending time with each other’s families. When they were engaged, she would make weekend trips to Chicago to spend time with Mike’s family, but “you can hide a lot on a weekend visit,” she said. “When you are married, the issues emerge quickly. We were thrown into the deep end pretty fast. Spending more time with his family wouldn’t have changed my mind, but it would have given me more background going into it.”

The Good News

The good news about interracial marriage is that every couple has to negotiate differences in their families of origin, no matter their heritage. Spouses of different races simply have cultural distinctions as part of their journey. And those distinctions are not always only a disadvantage.

“Being in a mixed-race marriage makes me more open-minded,” said Emily Herrera. “I have to put my own thoughts and presumptions on the back-burner when I’m around his family. It pushes me to be more flexible and patient. When things are happening in the family, I have to wait to understand their customs and traditions.

Mike Burson agrees. “Interracial couples are under certain levels of stress, but it has been incredibly encouraging and uplifting. We’ve learned to love each other and listen and support each other,” he said. “There are always hardships. Hard things bind you together. Our love is being forged in these fires—we’re proud of that.”

The bottom line is not the color of skin in a marriage, according to Deacon Harold Burke-Sivers, an international speaker and author on family life and spirituality. He says that every couple, regardless of their cultural heritage, should ask themselves this question: “Is this person the one God has put in your life to help you get to heaven, no matter what color you are?”

He is in an interracial marriage himself (his family is from Barbados and his wife is white) and he has been ordained a deacon for 10 years. Among his responsibilities is the task of preparing couples for marriage. “I’ve had couples come to me for all kinds of things,” he said. “No one has come to me with concerns about race. It is all about the usual things: money, sex, kids—those kinds of issues. Never has someone come to me and say, ‘Our race is an issue.’

“Those cultural differences enhance marriage by bringing a new level of richness and beauty and tradition,” he said. “Even though they come from different cultures, if the important things in life are the same, they can transcend those differences.”

How to Stop an Argument Before It Starts

Do you and your mate get into the same arguments, time and gain? Do you encounter family members who have the uncanny ability to push your buttons and get in your face, even though you set out to steer clear of strife? As a lawyer and couples mediator I have observed the same dumb arguments ruining relationships. In my book Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, I share five smart comments you can rely on to short-circuit an argument.

Here are the top five arguments that occur in every family, and the smart responses you can use to reject conflict.

1. The Political Argument: “You’re wrong. I don’t want that flip-flopping jerk in the White House.”

Smart Response: Don’t defend, just deflect. Say: “That’s your opinion and you have a right to it. But for now, let’s agree to disagree and just have a good night.” By stating the obvious and rejecting the bait you sound wise without adding fuel to the fire.

2. The Financial Argument: “We can’t afford that!”

Smart Response: Focus on facts. Say: “Let’s sit down and go over the household cash flow.” Without facts at hand, assumptions lay the foundation for an onslaught of disputes. By sharing the math about your expenses you will know what you can, and cannot, afford.

3. The Techno-pest Argument: “You’ve been upstairs for an hour already. Get off that $%#@&*^ computer!”

Smart Response: Employ Positive Criticism. Say: “You know, I really miss your company. I like hearing what you have to say. Will you join me in the living room for a drink?” If your mate chooses tech toys over people, don’t complain, just explain. When phrased with flattery, you’ll get what you want.

4. The Over-sharing Argument: “I can’t believe you told your brother I am unemployed. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until I find another job.”

Smart Response: Create a Border Control. Say: “Before we go to dinner with your side of the family, lets agree on which topics are private versus public.” Perhaps your recent health issues and job instability are things you don’t want anyone to know. Everyone, even your spouse, has a different expectation of what is private v. public. If you expect your mate to read your mind, you’ve opened the door to a fight. Avoid potential foot in mouth moments with a pre-event discussion.

5. The “I Always Do Everything” Argument: “I have to prepare the food, watch the kids and greet all the guests while you’re relaxing and drinking beer with a few of your friends in the living room.”

Smart Response: Ask for what you want. Be specific. Say, “There are three things I’d like you to do for our dinner party: 1) Go to the bakery to pick up the fresh bread and rolls. 2) When guests arrive, please greet them and offer everyone drinks, and 3) When it’s time to eat, help me bring the food in and out of the kitchen. Can you do that?” Research shows that getting an advance commitment makes the person more likely to follow-through.

With these five smart responses you can dodge unnecessary conflict so family times are what they should be – good times!

About the author 
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator, relationship expert, and bestselling author. For more articles visit www.fightlesslovemore.com.

Finances

Perhaps you are approaching marriage on a sound financial footing. You’ve finished your education, have been employed for several years, maybe even have some savings or own a house. Perhaps you are set – or so you think. But having enough money for a comfortable lifestyle is not all that finances in marriage is about.

It’s also about power. It might not seem that way at first. The two of you might have every intention of sharing incomes completely. You certainly don’t see each other as people who will dictate how much money can be spent on a cup of coffee. But weird things can happen when money is merged.

Old memories from our family of origin start to replay in our heads. You may agree that it’s fine if one spouse makes more money than the other. Then the primary wage earner sees the other spending his or her hard-earned cash on something like a $50 hair cut or a round of drinks at the club. One person’s necessity is another’s luxury.

What if you’re not in the enviable position of being financially stable? What if one of you still has student loans or credit card debt to pay off? Mixing debts and uncertain jobs makes marriage even more fragile. You will need much self-discipline, however, to keep strained finances from starting quarrels and poisoning your relationship.

Do financial problems cause divorce?

Financial counselors often point to finances as the most common cause of divorce. That’s only partially true. A study by Jason Carroll of Brigham Young University looked at 600 couples from across the nation from various ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds. According to Carroll, the study showed that “financial problems are as much a result of how we think about money as how we spend it.”

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.”

Money may be the presenting problem that gets a couple to counseling, but the solution is not just to make more money. Rather, couples need to improve communication skills so they can talk about their different ways of spending money and the different values that may underlie their financial decisions.

Carroll’s study found that when at least one spouse is highly materialistic, couples are 40 percent more likely to have financial problems that put a strain on their marriage, regardless of income level. The reason is that the couple expects that their lifestyle will bring them happiness, rather than finding happiness in each other.

What’s your spending personality?

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.” Is one thrifty and the other a spendthrift? If these traits are deep-rooted and significantly different, they can cause major tension and conflict.

If both spouses are spendthrifts the likelihood is that they will face issues of debt management – even if they have a high income – because desires tend to increase just a little beyond our incomes. As John D. Rockefeller said when asked how much money it takes to be really satisfied, “Just a little bit more!”

Of course, if one spouse is high on the spendthrift scale and the other tends toward being a miser, the probability of tension and conflict over money is obvious. It the extremes are not too severe, good communication skills can bring compromise and a healthy balance. It’s wise to have the thrifty, detailed person keep the books and write the checks.

Having two frugal zealots, however, is not necessarily the ideal either. If both spouses are extremely thrifty, they may tend to hold themselves to a very Spartan lifestyle, seldom spending any money on recreation. They may find themselves in a rut of all work and no play.

What’s your shopping style?

Beyond a couple’s basic spending personality, couples sometimes experience tension over their shopping styles. For example, which of the following shopping styles fits you?

  • Utilitarian: I shop for what I need and that’s it. I’m usually in and out of a store quickly.
  • Laissez-faire: When I see something I like, I buy it. I don’t plan for it, I just follow my whim.
  • Bargain Hunter: I check the ads. When something’s on sale, I snatch it and stock up. I feel great when I know I’ve gotten a good deal. Shopping is like a sport for me.
  • Therapy: When I’m in a blue mood, buying something helps me feel better.
  • Recreation: I like to window-shop. I can spend hours shopping alone or with friends.

If your shopping styles conflict, it may be easier just to acknowledge the difference and not shop together.

Who’s got the power?

The complicated thing about money in a marriage is that it’s often tied up with power. We may believe that the person who makes the most money is more valued or should have the greater say in financial decisions. We need to remember that spouses perform many tasks for which they are not paid. They contribute to the marriage and common life in different ways. At times one spouse may be ill or unemployed and not able to contribute financially or in other ways. Spouses need to feel valued and respected in their own home, regardless of how much money they bring in.

Is it ever better to have less money?

In a strong, life-giving marriage, financial responsibility is not just about making money and spending it or saving it. It also includes giving it away – to religious institutions, charities or our neighbors in need. Sometimes living more simply so that others can simply live is the most direct path to satisfaction and happiness.

For Further Reading:

25 Ways to Fight Fair

Please note that the words “fight” and “fighting fair” are used below to mean expressing one’s disagreement or anger to another constructively. At no time should physical harm be considered “fighting fair.”

1. Know your own feelings. Seek to grow in self-awareness. Being in touch with your own true feelings is essential before you can constructively handle anger or conflict.

2. Anger is an emotion – neither right nor wrong in itself. There is no morality to feelings. Try to understand what prompted the feeling. Morality comes into play when you take a destructive action as a result of a feeling.

3. Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage. During a calm, clear moment agree that neither partner should “win” a fight. If one wins, the other loses and builds resentment. In effect, both have then lost because the relationship is damaged. Even when one spouse is wrong, permit him or her salvage self-respect.

4. Cooling-off periods. Establish ground rules that permit either partner to “cool off” before trying to resolve anger. It may be necessary to walk or engage in some other physical activity in order to allow anger to dissipate. Such a period can allow a spouse to identify the issue more clearly and organize his or her thoughts, thus keeping the fight more on focus.

5. Pin down a time and place. Be sure, however, that resolving an issue is not postponed indefinitely. After cooling off, pin down a time and place to continue. For example, after the news goes off and in the living room – not in the bathroom doorway while brushing teeth.

6. Fight by mutual consent. Don’t insist on a fight when your spouse is tired or unable to handle the strain. A fair fight requires two ready participants.

7. Stick to the subject. When a number of issues seem to be accumulating, present them one at a time. If you have not resolved past issues, put them on a current or future agenda. Make sure both of you go beyond skirmishing, insult rituals, or angry displays. Shooting broadside like a roaring cannon prevents resolution.

8. State the issue honestly and clearly. Don’t simply say, “I’m hurt by the way you don’t show me respect.” Rather, be clear and specific as in, “I felt hurt when you said…or when your tone of voice sounds condescending toward me.”

9. Don’t camouflage. Don’t evade a deeper grievance by allowing your feelings to center only on less important or extraneous issues. “The potatoes are too salty tonight!” might be a minor irritant that covers the unspoken, “I don’t think that you understand all the pressure I’m under at work!”

10. Afraid to fight? If one of you feels afraid to fight, this should not evoke a put down but rather may be a fear of being hurt or rejected. Put the fear on the agenda for later discussion.

11. Don’t hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don’t use your confidential knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt him/her.

12. Don’t label. Avoid telling your spouse that he/she is neurotic, depressing, or a bore. Rather, try, “I’m tense inside, honey, because you seem moody and depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”

13. Grant equal time. Agree that no resolution of an issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express his/her feelings, ideas, and information.

14. Feedback and clarification. If the fight is emotional and heated, slow it down by starting a “feedback loop.” One technique is to paraphrase back to your spouse what your heard. For example, “Honey, what I hear you saying is that I’m boring you because I have no outside interest. Is that right?” The other then responds by either confirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.

15. Gain new understanding. Extract enough new information and insight from a fight to permit growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.

16. Implement changes. Follow anger with a fair, firm, clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight. Each partner must be clear as to what he/she agrees to modify or improve. Be specific and realistic. For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent.

17. Develop humor. Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing.

18. Keep your fights to yourself. Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a counselor. Good counseling is like medicine – it helps do what you might not be able to do alone.

19. Handling anger in front of children. When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them. You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.

20. Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when drinking heavily.

21. “Touch” can begin dialogue. Use touch to help your spouse make the “entry” or “re-entry” into a communicative mood. A foot reaching over in bed, a hand on the shoulder can say eloquently, “Honey, one of us needs to begin the dialogue. I’m willing to start.”

22. Exclude violence. Agree in advance that real violence is always ruled out.

23. Is the problem elsewhere? Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily (or only secondarily) within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues. It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish.

24. Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel. Do not, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict.

25. Prayer as strength. Major religions view marriage as sacred and prayer as a vital strength. While human behavior principles must not be neglected in learning how to handle conflict constructively, neither should couples neglect the religious resources of their faith in working out their problems.

For Further Reading:

  • Why Forgive? by Johann Christoph Arnold, specifically the chapter “Forgiveness and Marriage”

Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

This document was developed as a print resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) in 2011.

For Sue and Carlos, married for eight years, life is hectic as they try to balance his full-time job, her part-time job, and the needs of three children. Even when they manage a date night, conversation tends to revolve around the kids. Sue misses the connection she felt with Carlos as newlyweds. Carlos loves his family but wonders if there’s something more than the endless routine of carpools and shopping. Both worry that the spark has gone out of their marriage.

Nearly a year after Tom admitted his affair with a co-worker, Sally cannot forgive him. She considered divorce, but Sally takes their wedding vows seriously and doesn’t want to abandon nineteen years of marriage. Besides, Tom is a good father to their teenagers. Tom wants desperately to regain Sally’s trust but doesn’t know how to begin to repair the damage to their marriage.

On their wedding day, when a bride and groom promise to be true in good times and in bad, the hard times seem far away. The Church rejoices with the couple, even as it reminds them of what lies ahead. In the Nuptial Blessing the priest or deacon prays, “Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.”

The Church understands that problems are part of every marriage. The reality of human sinfulness can impair the ability to achieve a happy and holy marriage. Modern stresses on marriage can take their toll.

Nevertheless, God’s plan for marriage persists. He offers forgiveness and healing so that couples might learn to grow in self-giving love and thus become an image of the relationship between Christ and his Church.

How can this happen, however, when couples face the difficulties of married life? In their pastoral letter on marriage, Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. bishops offer an answer: “We bishops urge couples in crisis to turn to the Lord for help. We also encourage them to make use of the many resources, including programs and ministries offered by the Church, that can help to save marriages, even those in serious difficulty” (24).

This brochure identifies a variety of resources available to couples experiencing marital problems. Some couples, such as Sue and Carlos in the above example, can benefit from marriage education. Others, like Sally and Tom, often need more intensive help, such as counseling. All Catholic spouses can draw strength and healing from the Church’s spiritual resources.

The Parish as a Source of Help

Catholics experiencing problems in their marriage often turn to their parish for assistance. For many, a first step is to discuss their situation with their pastor, who can often offer support and guidance. Although most are not trained counselors, an experienced pastor knows what to listen for and what kind of help to offer. Couples like Sue and Carlos may simply need reassurance that their marriage is going through an unsettling but normal phase.

In some cases, a pastor may identify and challenge an addictive behavior. He may also determine that professional help is needed and recommend a qualified counselor.

The pastor represents a Church that is committed to saving marriages, if at all possible. He promises to offer spiritual and emotional support as the couple works through their difficulties. He asks the couple to make a similar commitment by trying in good faith to save the marriage. (An important note: In Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. Catholic bishops state that “no one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse” [24]. See also When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.)

In some parishes, deacons and lay ministers are able to provide pastoral care to married couples. Other parishes have pastoral counselors—trained mental health professionals who integrate sound therapy and spirituality. If no help is available, it may be possible to find assistance at a neighboring parish. This is also an option for couples who are reluctant to discuss their marital problems with their own pastor.

Helpful Resources for All Couples

  • Skills-building programs. Research has shown that marriages are more likely to succeed when couples acquire certain skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial planning, and time management. Some parishes and community adult education programs offer skills-building sessions. The diocesan Family Life Office may be familiar with programs offered in the area.
  • In-home resources. Many couples appreciate the flexibility of in-home resources such as books, DVDs, and web-based marriage enrichment programs. These are readily available online and in bookstores. The For Your Marriage website includes lists of recommended books and programs.
  • A Marriage Mentor couple can be helpful for any marriage, especially one in trouble. Some parishes have programs to match couples; otherwise, a pastor might suggest someone, or a couple might look for a more experienced couple whose interactions they admire.
  • Group-based encouragement and enrichment. Various enrichment programs are offered in group settings. Some, such as Marriage Encounter and the Marriage Encounter Weekend Program, bring couples together for a day or a weekend to focus on improving their marriage. Others, such as Christian Family Movement and Teams of Our Lady, offer a chance to meet regularly with other married couples for mutual support and spiritual growth.

For Your Marriage has more information about these and similar resources.

Resources for Couples with Serious Issues

  • Support groups. Addiction to drugs and alcohol, gambling, pornography, and similar behaviors, if left untreated, worsen over time and can destroy a marriage. Twelve Step programs such as A.A. and N.A. can be effective, alone or in combination with other therapy. The spouse of someone with an addiction can benefit from Al-Anon or Narconon. Many parishes have a list of such programs in their area.

See the article on Addictions for more information.

  • Retrouvaille and The Third Option. Retrouvaille is a weekend program with follow-up, designed for couples with serious problems, including those who are separated or divorced. Weekends are offered around the country. The Third Option combines skills-building workshops, sharing with mentor couples, and a support group. It can be used for marriage enrichment or crisis intervention. Spouses may come alone.

Counseling

Sometimes a problem becomes more than a couple can handle alone. Indications that a couple might need counseling include ongoing conflict that does not get resolved; poor communication patterns; disruptive life transitions; substance abuse; disagreement over a child’s needs; and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. A positive outcome is more likely when help is sought sooner rather than later.

A major challenge is finding the right counselor. The therapist should be committed to saving the marriage, if at all possible, and should respect religious values as a resource for strengthening the marriage. The therapist should have specific training in marriage counseling, with a practice that includes a significant amount of couple work.

The best referrals come from people whose wisdom and integrity can be trusted. This might include a friend, family member, physician, or mental health professional. It could be a pastor or parish staff member. Another referral source is the diocesan Catholic Charities Office or Family Life Office.

See the article on counseling for more information.

Spiritual Resources

Jesus promises to be with those who are dealing with difficulties: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28).

Couples can experience Jesus’ presence through the Catholic Church’s rich treasury of spiritual resources.

  • In the Eucharist, Catholic married couples encounter the one who is the source of their marriage. Jesus’ self-giving love sustains their own union. Sometimes, however, couples slip in their Sunday Mass attendance, or they do not attend Mass together. A first step might be to make a date for Mass and start to reclaim the spiritual foundation for the marriage.
  • Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Jesus offers mercy and healing and the opportunity to make a fresh start after inevitable stumbles.
  • Personal prayer, Bible reading, and devotions such as the Rosary or eucharistic adoration can help couples discern God’s will for their marriage.
  • Some parishes and dioceses offer a day of reflection or weekend retreat for married couples.

Conclusion

The Catholic Church wants couples to have a holy and happy marriage. Addressing problems as they arise helps spouses develop the skills and behaviors that lead to a happy marriage; it also leads them to a holy marriage, as they grow in virtues such as patience, perseverance, and forgiveness. Couples who have worked through serious difficulties often emerge stronger and more committed. Hand in hand, they lead each other to heaven as they witness to God’s own faithfulness and abundant love.

About the document
The document Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble was developed as a resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American Bible, copyright © 1991, 1986, and 1970 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC 20017 and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

First printing, May 2011

ISBN 978-1-60137-199-7

Copyright © 2011, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright holder.

This resource is also available in a printed brochure format (Publication No. 7-199). To order copies contact USCCB Publishing or call 800-235-8722.

Finding Meaning in Suffering

“Offer it up!” If you’re a Catholic, you probably first heard it from the lips of your mother. If you’re not, you may have heard a Catholic friend say it. It can sound like hard, uncaring advice. Yet, taken in the right way, it is anything but. What does it really mean to “offer it up?”

The “it” in the saying refers to suffering. No one goes through life without suffering. It can be physical or emotional, temporary or lasting. And it can be intense, maybe the most intense experience we will have in life.

If we can’t escape suffering, how can we deal with it? Some people live by what’s been called the Pleasure Principle: “Seek pleasure; avoid pain.” That’s led some people to illegal drugs and alcohol as a way of alleviating their suffering. But as any drug addict or alcoholic can tell you, addiction just makes things worse.

A few people try to avoid suffering through suicide or euthanasia. But the mere fact that some are willing to take such a drastic step to avoid suffering raises the question: Is suffering such a great evil that it even outweighs life itself?

That may have led one Catholic writer to put it this way: “If suffering has no meaning, then life has no meaning.” Or to put it another way, since we are bound to endure suffering during our lives, we might as well find meaning in it.

So if someone suggests that you “offer it up,” they are saying more than just “Live with it” or “Get over it.” They are giving you one of the keys that open up the door to the meaning of life.

In today’s world, people often seek meaning in achievement alone: Write a prize-winning book; score a big political victory; manage a multibillion dollar company. People who achieve these great goals are people we look up to.

Yet as Christians, we are offered another role model. Saint Francis de Sales put it simply: “Live Christ.” Read the life of Christ as written in the Gospels, and what you will find is an emphasis on suffering, the sufferings of the people around him and his own suffering as well.

Human suffering was at the heart of his actions: healing the sick, consoling the afflicted, feeding the hungry, freeing people from deafness, blindness, leprosy, and many other evils that afflicted people.

Suffering was not only at the heart of Christ’s actions, but at the heart of his teaching, as Pope John Paul II has pointed out. The eight beatitudes, a guide to the Christian life, were addressed to people tried by various sufferings, namely the “poor in spirit,” the “afflicted,” the “persecuted,” among others.

And at the end of Christ’s life came his own suffering on the Cross. Most of us would flee from such suffering, but he didn’t try to avoid it. Even though he had done nothing to deserve it, he willingly offered himself up as a sacrifice for the sins of the world.

If we “live Christ,” we offer our own sufferings up, not only as a reparation for the evil things we have done in life, but also for the evil committed by those around us and by people we have never met. We share in the sufferings of Christ to help redeem a sinful world.

By doing so, we find meaning in our sufferings. In finding meaning, we can cast aside the feeling that we are being victimized; we can overcome the subconscious need to complain about our sufferings in the hope that we can transfer some of the pain to others around us; we can shift our intense focus from what ails us to what ails others. And we can also find an answer to the question: “Why me?”

Suffering is a part of life. By “offering it up,” we can find joy. Or as St. Paul said in referring to the Lord: “I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake.” Yes, “offer it up” seems like hard advice, but we have it on faith that it is a key to happiness here and in the hereafter.