Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

Children as Commodities?

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is your pilot speaking. … I have two pieces of news to report, one good and one bad. The bad news is that we are lost. The good news is that we are making excellent time.” —Author Unknown

In 1971, the renowned physician and medical ethicist, Dr. Leon Kass, used this parable to illustrate the coming wave of assisted reproductive technologies, hailed by science as a final triumph over infertility; scientists were on the verge of creating children outside the womb and inside the laboratory. Dr. Kass feared that we had not given adequate consideration to the question of how this might affect the couples pursuing these methods and the children produced from them. Forty years later, we’re just beginning to understand the consequences of such technologies.

Consider Natalie,* a thirty-year-old woman living in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. Throughout her childhood and adolescent years, she suffered from depression and endured severe adjustment difficulties, feeling as if she never truly belonged in her family. When she was seventeen years old, she discovered that she was conceived through a process known as commercial surrogacy. Natalie’s parents had contracted with another woman to become pregnant using her father’s sperm and the woman’s own egg, bear her for nine months in her womb, and then hand her over to them. After questioning why her parents lied to her, Natalie became estranged from them, hurt that money, rather than the expression of marital love, was the context in which she was brought into the world.

Now consider Amy, who was eight years old when her parents told her they would be divorcing. Her father attempted to gain custody of her older sister, but not her. The reason? Amy was conceived via an anonymous sperm donation, and her father was not interested in maintaining a relationship with a child who was not biologically his offspring. Such a scenario highlights the many complexities of donor conception, by which a child is intentionally severed from his or her biological parents with little consideration of the long-term consequences of such a decision.

These true stories represent the sad realities often faced both by those who choose to pursue assisted reproductive technologies and by children conceived through them. Unfortunately, when couples face the heartbreaking challenge of infertility, they may not know where else to turn.

When couples are unable to bear children, very often there is an understandable feeling of great loss. It is essential to note that “the Church has compassion for couples suffering from infertility and wants to be of real help to them. At the same time, some ‘reproductive technologies’ are not morally legitimate ways to solve those problems.”(1) No doubt, those who are tempted to avail themselves of such technologies almost always plan to accept and cherish the child to be conceived in this manner. Nevertheless, the child is brought into existence through a technological process and not through a loving act of marital intercourse. The inevitable result is that the child is initially treated as an object created for the parents’ self-fulfillment instead of welcomed as a gift of God.

Since the advent in 1978 of IVF (in vitro fertilization), by which children are “conceived” by technicians working in labs, the floodgates have been opened to bringing about reproduction through egg and sperm donation and surrogate pregnancies. Yet these technologies are fraught with medical, legal, and moral complications that are often either unknown or too easily dismissed.

What many people don’t realize is that, in addition to the financial burden, assisted reproductive technologies can also present significant health risks. A February 2014 analysis in the British Medical Journal found that women who use IVF are more likely to suffer “gestational diabetes, fetal growth restriction, pre-eclampsia, and premature birth.”(2) Children conceived through IVF are likely to have higher blood pressure, vascular difficulties and other health problems.(3) Moreover, IVF and surrogacy subject women to grueling rounds of hormones, shots, and painful procedures with minimal chances of success. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the overall failure rate of IVF in the United States is nearly seventy percent.(4)

Yet the demand for “designer babies” and the commercialization of childbearing continues to increase. Parents who are spending tens of thousands of dollars to conceive children now have the option of picking the “best” sperm or egg to maximize their investment. However, “children are not parents’ possessions to manufacture, manipulate, or design; rather, they are fellow persons with full human dignity, and parents are called to accept, care for, and raise them to be new members of God’s family and his Kingdom. Children deserve to be ‘begotten, not made.’”(5) In other words, children have the right to be conceived within the context of an act of marital love, not created in a laboratory by scientists.

How then do we best respond to couples struggling with infertility? First, we must acknowledge their pain and accompany them in their suffering. Second, we should offer them opportunities to continue exploring the possibility of parenthood. Many causes of infertility can be addressed through medical assistance that is fully in accord with Catholic teaching. Adoption is also a viable alternative for couples seeking to raise children, as it lovingly serves children who urgently need homes and families to love and care for them. For couples who choose not to pursue these options, their active service in ministries and communities where they are needed should be better welcomed.

As Pope St. John Paul II reminded us, “It must not be forgotten … that, even when procreation is not possible, conjugal life does not for this reason lose its value. Physical sterility in fact can be for spouses the occasion for other important services to the life of the human person.”(6) While infertility may be a profoundly painful process for many, the Church calls the couple to consider that this experience may ultimately lead to new ways of experiencing God’s love and plan for their love to be life-giving in other ways, even if they are unexpected.

The very technologies that some believed would solve the age-old problem of infertility have, in fact, raised more questions than answers—questions about the meaning and purposes of children, and the limits and detriments of technology when it intervenes in the most intimate of human relationships. Children, after all, are meant to serve as an outgrowth of a couple’s love, but instead, reproductive technologies reduce that gift to a product. To ignore the concerns raised by some reproductive technologies and to move forward with them anyway would be to take matters into our own hands and to act against this great design. So instead, “in love, hope, and prayer, … let us be open to God’s gift of life and love in marriage, with profound respect for the dignity of all God’s children.”(7)

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned. To learn more about the Church’s teachings on the morality of reproductive technologies, visit “Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology” at www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-webelieve/love-and-sexuality/life-giving-love-in-an-age-oftechnology.cfm.

Notes

[1] U.S. Catholic Bishops, Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology, (USCCB, 2009). http://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/love-and-sexuality/life-giving-love-in-an-age-of-technology.cfm.
[2] Esme I Kamphuis, S Bhattacharya, F van der Veen, professor, B W J Mol, A Templeton, “Are We Overusing IVF?” British Medical Journal (2014). http://www.bmj.com/content/348/bmj.g252.
[3] Ibid.
[4] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, American Society for Reproductive Medicine, Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, 2010 Assisted Reproductive Technology Fertility Clinic Success Rates Report (Atlanta: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2012). http://www.cdc.gov/art/ART2010/PDFs/ART_2010_Clinic_Report-Full.pdf.
[5] U.S. Catholic Bishops, Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology.
[6] Pope St. John Paul II, On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World: Familiaris Consortio (Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1981), no. 14.
[7] U.S. Catholic Bishops, Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology.
* Excerpt from Familiaris Consortio (On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World). © 1981 Libreria Editrice Vaticana. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Reprinted from Respect Life Program, Copyright © 2014, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C. All rights reserved. Additional resources and ordering information is available at www.usccb.org/respectlife.

Healing within Marriage from an Abortion

When Susan’s* husband, Juan, told her about the abortion he was involved in when he was in college, she finally understood why he was so depressed and had trouble bonding with their children. However, she wanted him to just get over it, without seeking help from a post-abortion healing ministry. It bothered her to think of him dealing with this in relation to another woman and child.

During Steve’s premarital preparation with his (now) wife, the topic of her past abortion never arose. Now married and participating in a post-abortion healing ministry, Steve notes, “It is one of the questions you never think to ask during premarital preparation.”

With an estimate of over 56 million abortions in our country since the infamous Roe vs.Wade decision of 1973, there’s little doubt that countless marriages are suffering from one or both spouses’ involvement in an abortion.

Although many of the same struggles may arise when only one spouse was involved in a previous abortion, couples who aborted their own child before marriage may experience their own unique difficulties, as Tina shares:

…I didn’t think it bothered me until after we were married for a year and our son was born. I was so resentful that my husband hadn’t protected me and our baby when I became pregnant before we were married. …I began to resent and hate him. It was like a great divide between us. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let go of the anger and resentment, because if I did, it would be like saying the abortion was ok, and it wasn’t. (Our baby died,) I was hurt, and he could just go on like nothing happened.

For cases in which one spouse is unaware of the other’s past abortion experience, some feel it is crucial for him or her to be told, while others believe it is in the past and it’s not necessary to address it. But if “the two shall become one” (Mt 19:5), can the marital union be brought to its fullest potential with the secret of an abortion lingering in the past?

Steve doesn’t think so: “…looking back over our 29 years of marriage, it is probably the one thing from [either] of our pasts that has affected our marriage more than any other.”

It is no secret that the devastation of abortion brings with it many challenges. Many times the people who have participated in an abortion are not even aware of the countless ways it is affecting their lives. Often, it is not until they recognize some of the effect it is having and become involved in a healing ministry that they begin to more clearly identify their personal abortion connectors (people, places or things that trigger memories of their abortion experience).

It is not uncommon for those suffering from past abortions to overreact to present situations because of the trauma they experienced. For example, what would otherwise be a normal disagreement between spouses can seem like a very real act of abandonment to someone who was coerced into having an abortion. An abortion may also lead to infertility or difficulty conceiving later in life, which bring their own emotional strains for a couple.

Fear of intimacy is another struggle that may arise. Some women and men have kept past abortion experiences a secret and live in the fear of being exposed. They never really open themselves completely to intimacy for fear of being rejected if their spouse ever discovered their secret. Others may not be willing to practice their faith because of the guilt and shame they feel, which deprives them of spiritual consolation and drives a wedge between them and their spouse.

It is scary for a person to tell his fiancée or her fiancé or spouse about a past abortion. It requires great trust in that person’s love for them and trust in God. Unfortunately, sometimes that knowledge can threaten the relationship, but it can also be a means for the couple to grow closer together.

Through the help of a post-abortion healing ministry, couples can successfully work through abortion-related challenges, and God’s grace can bring true healing in their relationships. Matt shared his own story of this experience:

I had a hard time learning about the abortion and was not sure if I in fact was still going to be able to marry my fiancée. Attending the retreat helped me to recognize that she was the same person I had loved the day before I learned, and that if God had forgiven her, I needed to forgive her as well. Through counseling and direction we have been able to work through the many feelings and fears I had, and I feel confident we are now able to work on any issues that come up together, and move past them through the grace of God. I feel I am now able to love her the way God intended.

Significant growth can also result from working through the pain together as a couple. For example, the spouse that was not involved in their husband’s or wife’s past abortion may choose to “spiritually adopt” their spouse’s aborted child. This spiritual adoption can be a beautiful way to unite the couple as the family God intends them to be, as Steve recognized:

I made the decision that this was part of what was brought to our marriage ‘in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health…to love and honor…all the days of my life.’ I take that vow seriously. We had to make this journey together. … I now look upon it that I have two sons, the one [whom] she conceived before we met, and the one we conceived together. Would it be any different if the child had lived and … [were] here present in our lives? No!! The only real difference is that we have a child who is with God and who is working and praying for us.

Abortion affects countless marriages more than many people recognize. But there is no doubt that God will bring great healing to those who trust in his infinite mercy. If a past abortion can be acknowledged and addressed, a married couple can make great strides in experiencing even more fully God’s design that “the two shall become one” (Mt 19:5).

*The stories of Susan, Juan, Steve, Tina and Matt (their names are changed for their privacy) are just a few examples of the many marriages touched by abortion. To find out what pastoral resources for marriage may be available in your local area, contact your diocesan family life office. To find resources for post-abortion healing, visit HopeAfterAbortion.org.

About the document
Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

Reprinted from Respect Life Program, Copyright © 2014, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C. All rights reserved. Additional resources and ordering information is available at www.usccb.org/respectlife.

Solace and Strength in the Sorrow of Miscarriage

It is estimated that one out of four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. This loss can have a profound effect on the mothers, fathers and families of the children who pass away, and many of us may be unsure how best to respond to those who are hurting. Joanne* shares a personal story of her experience comforting a family going through this heartache.

While working in my parish office one day, I received a call from our local hospital, where a mom had been admitted with fetal distress. I was grateful that our parish priest, Fr. Thompson, was able to go to the hospital with me to visit this young mother, Amanda. Arriving in her room, we learned that labor was going to be induced because her baby had already died. My head was swimming as I was overcome with what Amanda must be feeling at this difficult time.

At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. But then, as a mother myself, I knew how to respond. I stroked her hair and rocked her in my arms. Amanda’s husband David, who was traveling, had been notified and was on his way. When he arrived we stepped back, giving the couple a private moment to cling to one another. Eventually, David turned to us and asked, “What do we do?”

Fr. Thompson’s response was drawn from deep within the compassion of Mother Church. While the young couple’s world was spinning out of control, he offered something they could hold onto—God’s unconditional love. He opened the Bible, asked me to read Psalm 139, and offered prayers of blessing.

I also talked to Amanda and her husband about what might happen next, encouraging them to see and hold their baby, take pictures and create keepsakes. Fr. Thompson explained opportunities for a funeral and burial service. Burying those who have died at any age is seen by the Church as a corporal work of mercy. Therefore, the Church encourages a funeral rite for children whose baptism was intended by their parents, but who died before being baptized.

As the doctor came in, we prayed with Amanda and David, and then left the room during the delivery. We stood outside the door praying the Rosary. The stillness of the night was not disturbed by the joyful sound of a newborn’s cry. Instead, it was punctuated with a grief-stricken mother’s sobbing.

The doctor spoke to us as he came out of the room with tears streaming down his own face. He said, “I can be the guide to physical healing, but their greatest need is spiritual healing. I am so grateful you are here.” We stepped back into the room where we stood in silence and cried with Amanda and David, sharing a powerful moment of awe and grief.

After some time, I spoke to the parents of God creating this little one with them, and of how important their child was and would continue to be to us all. I spoke of God weeping with them, comforting them in the midst of their grief. I asked if they had named him. David’s tears ran down his face and splashed onto the tiny baby as he whispered, “William.” Fr. Thompson gently touched William’s forehead and made the Sign of the Cross with the water of his dad’s tears. We spoke of God’s love for William, and we commended his soul to God.

Later on, we assisted Amanda and David in connecting with a funeral home and planning a funeral, graveside service and burial for little William. The family found comfort in traditional burial prayers adapted to fit a baby’s life and death.

People often assume that the needs of a family in this situation are mostly medical, and that the hospital or medical staff will take care of things. However, miscarriage includes emotional, relational and spiritual suffering that requires assistance from family, friends and church leaders. The immediate need is to help the family become familiar with their options for providing a time and place to acknowledge the dignity and worth of their child. These include simple rites like naming and commendation ceremonies, funeral rites and burial or entombment.

Death may separate us physically, but it does not end the relationship; these moments help strengthen a relationship with the child in a way that will be helpful for long-term healing. They also give the broader Church a chance to grieve and remind others of the significance of this child, who is entrusted for all eternity to the Lord. A parish community can also support grieving families and honor the lives of their little ones in other ways.

Public support might take the form of an annual memorial service or a memorial plaque in the church with the names of the babies who have passed away.

Personal support is also essential. Some people become exhausted from their grief and are unable to maintain household chores. Their lack of energy makes it hard to keep up with everything, so providing meals or doing laundry or other chores can help the family meet their common daily needs. Other times, simply being present is what’s needed. Another woman who lost her child through miscarriage said the best response she experienced came from a friend who said, “I came to cry with you” and presented her with a bag full of tissue boxes.

Many people in their grief have almost a compulsion to talk. They desperately want someone to know what they are going through, and repeating the story of their loss over and over can be part of the healing process. The role of the comforter is to listen and reassure them that their thoughts are normal, not to supply them with answers. Many consolers experience feelings of inadequacy when they have no answers or words of wisdom. They may make statements that are not meant to be theologically flawed or hurtful, but often are. While these comments are meant to take away the pain, simply saying, “I am deeply sorry your baby has died,” might often be the best thing to say.

Although we may feel unsure how best to comfort those who mourn, we must stand with them in their time of suffering. Miscarriage touches the lives of many people, yet all too often this tragedy remains unaddressed. This lack of response not only often leads to unresolved grief, but also fails to clearly manifest our belief that each person, from conception onward, is precious and unique. The death of babies through miscarriage is a time to honor their lives and to support their grieving families. Amanda and David were greatly assisted and comforted by family, friends and a parish community who helped them to memorialize and cherish William. As members of a community of faith ourselves, let us comfort those who mourn as we look forward together to a time when all tears are dried and our families are whole once again.

The story of Joanne, Fr. Thompson, Amanda, David, and William (their names are changed for their privacy) is just one example of the many lives touched by a miscarriage. To find out what pastoral resources may be available in your local area, contact your diocesan office for more information. For liturgical resources, the Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers, Revised Edition (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2007) includes an order of blessing of parents after a miscarriage or stillbirth and The Order of Christian Funerals: Vigil, Funeral Liturgy, and Rite of Committal, Bilingual Edition (Collegeville, MI: Liturgical Press, 2002) includes prayers for a stillborn child and his/her parents.

Reprinted from Respect Life Program, Copyright © 2014, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C. All rights reserved. Additional resources and ordering information is available at www.usccb.org/respectlife.

Life Matters: Domestic Violence

October is both Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Respect Life Month. The following is the full text of a pamphlet from the 2013-2014 Respect Life Program. All seven pamphlets are available here.

Domestic violence is a hidden scourge on our families and communities. Those who are victimized often keep it a private matter for various reasons: fear, shame, well-intended efforts to preserve the family. Aggressors, if they even recognize their problem, are not likely to have it addressed. Yet it touches many, and knows no boundaries of race, social class, ethnicity, creed or age (most victims are first abused as teens). Statistics suggest one in four women experience domestic violence in their lifetime, and three in four Americans are reported to know a victim, though most episodes are not reported to the authorities. Although the majority of victims are female, an estimated 15% are males.

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are typically used together in a relationship to control the victim. Persons may be married, living together, or dating. Examples of emotional abuse include name-calling, putdowns, restricting contact with family or friends, withholding money, preventing a partner from working, actual or threatened physical harm (hitting, pushing, shoving), sexual assault, stalking, and intimidation. In The Gospel of Life Blessed John Paul II highlighted the gravity of the issue: “At the root of every act of violence against one’s neighbor there is a concession to the ‘thinking’ of the evil one, the one who ‘was a murderer from the beginning’ (Jn 8:44).” He also outlined the importance of the family as the primary community of life and love in which children are nurtured. How vital it is, then, to understand how to keep family members safe from violence in their homes, and how to heal and reunite families where violence has occurred, when possible.

The person being harmed

Persons experiencing domestic violence are often termed “victims,” or if the situation has resolved, “survivors,” but it is most important to recall they are children of God, with inherent dignity and deserving our love and respect. This is especially true because as abused persons they are often plagued by feelings of shame, fear, and depression, and have lost sight of the essential fact of their dignity and worthiness to be loved. At times they may also make decisions that cause an observer (family member or friend) to question their judgment, or become frustrated with them for remaining in what seems to be an obviously dangerous or hopeless situation.

It is commonly accepted that domestic violence is rarely an isolated incident, but is a pattern of behavior aimed at establishing and maintaining power and control over another. The pattern is typically described as a “cycle of violence,” and the seriousness escalates with each occurrence. The “cycle” begins with a “set-up” phase: The abuser creates a situation in which the victim has no choice but to react in a way that, in the abuser’s mind, justifies the abuse. After the violence, the abuser may fear being held accountable, and so may apologize or make excuses for his or her behavior, pledge to never do it again, or use gifts as a way of coping with guilt or preventing the victim from telling. Next, however, the abuser may excuse the incident as the victim’s fault, or resume “life as usual” as if nothing happened. The abuser expects that the victim will participate in the cover-up. Finally, the abuser thinks about the past and the future in a manner that drives the abuser to mentally “set up” the next episode of violence.

Some victims of domestic abuse have a tendency to “normalize” violent behavior based on experiences in their family of origin, where they struggled with their sense of self-worth, setting boundaries, or emotional dependence. Even though the family of origin was dysfunctional, its unhealthy equilibrium may have been the only thing the person knew.

Consequently, some may feel guilty about considering betraying the abuser, or fear they will be judged or further deprived of affection if they disclose or attempt to leave. These persons benefit from counseling that affirms their inherent dignity, helps them understand the dysfunctional patterns in their past and current relationships, and assists them in establishing a safe home and relationships.

Who are the abusers, and is there hope?

Although common characteristics have been identified, there is no “typical” abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their family, while the violence and its consequences are hidden from view. The violence does not happen randomly, or solely because of stress or substance abuse; abusers use violence to get what they want. This being said, it is important to recognize that the abusers were not “born that way,” but have their own history of developmental and family problems (often being abused) that can explain how they learned to be aggressive. Because abusers often have a poor sense of self-worth, they do not take responsibility for their actions and try to blame the victim instead. Thus the person perpetrating the violence needs his own help and healing.

Aggressors must first become aware of their need for psychological assistance before they can recover and exercise healthier patterns of bonding and communicating. It is difficult for people to seek help, often burdened by shame, fear of being judged, or psychological issues (e.g., addictions). Once the problem is recognized, there is reason for hope: psychotherapists can help such persons with their thinking, forgiveness, emotional stability, and relationship skills. These skills (e.g., empathy) should be developed first with close friends and family members (initially not the victim), so that the aggressor can experience a healthy manner of dealing with his emotions and disappointments.

Although this work can be lengthy and painful, as the perpetrator’s own dignity and worth are rediscovered and affirmed, his ability to then approach and attempt reconciliation with the offended person is greatly enhanced.

The role of friends and extended family

Although this problem tends to be hidden, friends, colleagues, and extended family can play a critical role in fostering peace. Victims generally ask for help only when the risk of violence increases. An important step to help in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing certain risk factors such as jealousy, hypersensitivity and possessiveness, or controlling, explosive or threatening behaviors. If you believe someone you know may be in a troubled situation, you should call a hotline number for assistance, or encourage the person to do so themselves (911, the local hotline, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233/TTY 1-800-787-3224). Research shows that accessing domestic violence shelter resources reduces the incidence and severity of future violence substantially. When recovering from abuse, victims need guidance in planning for their safety. Consultation with legal advisors can help them to understand how to report and ask for further protection.

In sum, the gravity and difficulty for families touched by domestic violence is severe.

Although the struggle toward healing and recovery can be difficult, our faith gives us reason for hope. On the World Day of Peace in 1997, Blessed John Paul II focused on this theme, as demanding as it is vital: “Offer forgiveness and receive peace…. I know well that it is hard, and sometimes even appears to be impossible to forgive, but it is the only way, because all revenge and all violence give rise to further revenge and violence. It is certainly less difficult to forgive when one is aware that God never tires of loving and forgiving us…. Let us never forget that everything passes, and only the eternal can fill the heart.”

More resources

About the author
Frank J. Moncher, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist of the Catholic Diocese of Arlington (VA) and Managing Director of Integration and Training, Catholic Charities Diocese of Arlington.

About the document

Reprinted with permission from:

Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
3211 Fourth Street NE • Washington, DC 20017-1194
Tel: (202) 541-3070 • Fax: (202) 541-3054
Website: www.usccb.org/prolife

Copyright © 2013, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops,Washington, D.C.

A Bittersweet Bucket List

Usually when people say that a goal is on their “bucket list” it means that sometime in the as-yet-unplanned, perhaps even distant, future, they’ll hopefully get around to doing something they always wanted to do before they die: memory-making, picture-taking adventures like hang-gliding, traveling to an exotic land, or even writing one’s first novel.

But today I learned about a very different bucket list. Dan and Jenna Haley, young, faith-filled parents from Philadelphia, are expecting their first-born child next month. In April, they learned that their son, Shane Michael, has anencephaly which means that he is missing parts of his brain and possibly skull, and so is not expected to live long. Depending on the severity of his condition, doctors say he may survive as little as a few hours or may live over a year. To celebrate him during Jenna’s pregnancy, they crafted a bucket list of their own favorite things to do. In a local news story, Dan said: “Most families wait until their baby is born to start making memories and traveling to places with them. We…knew that our time with our son could be very limited, so we wanted to make the most of the time that we had with him.”

At the time of this writing, Shane Michael is 35 weeks old in Jenna’s womb, and has been with his parents to many of the places that were significant to them as children: zoos, Delaware beaches, and an aquarium. He’s ridden the famous Wildwood, NJ, ferris wheel, attended family baseball games, and been with his praying parents at the shrines of St. John Neumann and St. Rita. He’s “met” the Phillies and the Flyers, enjoyed Geno’s cheesesteaks, and made a field trip up to New York City, where they visited the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building, among other sites. He and his parents were also honored by friends and family members with a “shower of love” – a different kind of baby shower surrounding these courageous parents with encouragement and support, as well as affection for their little, severely disabled boy.

The Haleys have openly shared their adventures with over 100,000 followers on their “Prayers for Shane” Facebook page. They write: “We are asking for your prayers and support and that God grants us as much time as possible with our beautiful son. Shane has already proven to us that each day must be lived to the fullest and that is exactly what our little family is doing.”

What an incredible witness to the dignity of life! This beautiful couple resisted not only any pressure to abort Shane because of his medical condition, but also the temptation to hide him from the world. Their story shows that every person deserves to be loved. In sharing their bittersweet journey with others, they have shared their son Shane Michael with a huge community who, in turn, have rallied around the couple in their joys, sorrows, and fears. May their story be an encouragement to other families facing adverse prenatal diagnoses.

About the author
Deirdre A. McQuade is Assistant Director for Policy & Communications at the Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities, U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. This article originally appeared in the Life Issues Forum and is reposted by permission.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use

Pornography has become increasingly more available and accepted in today’s society. Both men and women of all ages have become entangled in the lies and pain of pornography use and even addiction, which has devastating effects on the user and his or her spouse and family.

It is important that those who are using pornography and those that are affected by a spouse’s receive the support and healing that they need. Below is a select list of resources for those who are struggling with pornography, as well as for their spouses and family members.

For more information about pornography from For Your Marriage, including statistics on pornography use, please visit our Overcoming Obstacles: Pornography articles.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

Table of Contents

Prayer Resources

Prayer plays a crucial role in the process of breaking free from pornography use.

Here is a link to a Novena for Purity from Covenant Eyes and the Angelic Warfare Confraternity.

Some patron saints of those struggling with purity, whether occasionally or habitually, are: St. Agnes, St. Maria Goretti, St. Augustine of Hippo, St. Gemma Galgani, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Margaret of Cortona, St. Thérèse of Lisieux, St. Joseph, and the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Help for Men and Women

Catholic support groups and recovery programs

The Angelic Warfare Confraternity
A supernatural fellowship of men and women dedicated to pursuing chastity under the patronage of St. Thomas Aquinas and the Blessed Virgin Mary. The Confraternity is an official apostolate of the Dominican Order.

Breaking Free Blog (for men)
Men helping men to break free and stay free from pornography. Run by the Family Life Center International.

Exodus 90 (for men)
A ninety-day challenge of prayer, asceticism, and fraternity that is designed to help men attain freedom from sexual sin or other struggles. The program was developed at a seminary and today is transforming the lives of thousands of Catholic men across the country. In Exodus 90, men form small teams to go through the challenge together and support one another as they strive to grow in virtue.

Freedom Coaching
A one-on-one mentoring program designed to break the attraction to pornified images. Going beyond mere coping mechanisms, Freedom Coaching is designed to help clients, through a transformation of their desires, to seek and find what is true, good, and beautiful, something that pornified images can never provide.

Imago Dei Counseling
Offers individual and couples counseling/coaching in Colorado Springs as well as telephonically for those dealing with pornography and its effects; also available for adolescents, with the coordination of their parents. The program also provides Catholic Men’s Teleconference, a confidential telephonic men’s program for support in working steps towards healing and recovery from sexual addictions, and Intimacy Restored Intensives, a three-day workshop (Intensive Outpatient Treatment – IOT) in Colorado Springs for couples to begin the process of healing from issues related to pornography or sexual behavior.

Integrity Restored
Founded by Dr. Peter Kleponis, author of the book Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography, Integrity Restored is an organization dedicated to helping Catholics fight pornography at all levels. Dr. Kleponis and his Integrity Restored Team – Matt Fradd, Fr. Sean Kilcawley, and Ryan Foley – provide valuable resources and advice on how to protect individuals, couples, and families from the dangers of pornography. Resources are also available for clergy. In addition, information is provided on the Integrity Starts Here Recovery Program, the first comprehensive recovery program for Catholics struggling with pornography addiction and their loved ones.

The King’s Men (for men)
Men’s group focused on building up men as leaders, protectors, and providers. The King’s Men has a special focus on helping men find freedom from pornography addiction with the help of fraternal accountability. Also facilitates wilderness retreats, healing retreats, and parish-based weekly groups in some areas.

My House Initiative
A program of the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, My House offers resources for protecting children and families from pornography. A short video with Matthew Kelly and Archbishop Joseph Naumann is available in English and Spanish for protecting families from pornography. Confession cards, church posters, flyers, and prayer cards are also available in both English and Spanish. The videos and resources are available for other dioceses to adapt. The My House Initiative also provides help for individuals and couples who are struggling with pornography including four professional counselors, five weekly recovery groups, and assistance for spouses of pornography users.

Overcome Porn Addiction
Video-based online course for men seeking to overcome pornography addiction. Includes a “Steps to Victory” checklist and a 17-week “Path to Victory Bootcamp” with week-by-week instructions and specific actions to take

Reclaim Sexual Health
Science-based, Catholic resources for those impacted by pornography, masturbation, or other unhealthy sexual behaviors. Offers an anonymous online recovery program for pornography users and spouses of pornography users. Also has information for parents about protecting their children from pornography.

Reconnected
Reconnected is a program to help people who feel betrayed because of their spouse’s porn usage to identify that they are not the cause of this behavior and to assist them to reconnect (reconcile) with their partners. This 15-week course is an online group therapy program, designed and facilitated by Dr. Mark Kolodziej from CatholicCounselors.com,  a couples counselor who brings our Catholic faith into the healing process.

Restored Vows
Join Brandon and Tonia on a candid journey, where they reveal their darkest moments and share what they did to find healing and hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. In this free, 14-day video series, Brandon and Tonia share their story and show how recovery and restoration is possible. Learn practical steps that promote honesty, understanding, and trust. Restored Vows gives the tools needed to start improving marriages that have suffered from pornography use.

Road to Purity
Road to Purity’s mission is to reveal to society the physical and spiritual devastation of pornography and sexual addiction while leading men and women to the truth of authentic love and sexual purity. Our vision is to eliminate the desolation resulting from sexual sin and to reveal that there is another way. Road to Purity offers the guidance, tools, and community to achieve lasting purity.

Other Christian support groups and recovery programs

Be Broken Ministries
Be Broken Ministries exists to help men break free from sexually addictive behaviors in order to experience the fullness of life as God created it. They offer workshops, e-courses, in-person and long-distance coaching, and resources for both men and their wives.

Beggar’s Daughter (for women)
Jessica Harris is a former porn addict whose blog covers topics such as pornography, lust, and addiction – all from a woman’s perspective. She is now a speaker and author of a devotional, Love Done Right, a collection of devotionals specifically written for Christian women struggling with lust.

Bethesda Workshops
The mission of Bethesda Workshops is to encourage sexual wholeness by ministering to men and women damaged by sexual sin and addiction, and those hurt by a spouse’s sexual addiction. They offer intensive healing workshops in Nashville, TN for both men and women.

Bravehearts
A mentoring program to help men break free from sexual addiction and pornography use. Founded by Michael Leahy, who has a powerful conversion story from a life damaged by pornography addiction.

Heart to Heart Counseling Center
Provides professional counseling to those struggling with sexual addiction and their spouses. Located in Colorado Springs but also presents 3-5 day intensive workshops around the country.

Lifestar Therapy
Offers an intensive 6-day outpatient program (IOP) in a safe, nonjudgmental environment where those struggling with pornography and sexual addiction can find help in treating their addiction. With a strong faith base, Lifestar Therapy integrates developing healthy lifestyle changes and a strong connection with God to help people struggling with addiction and their loved ones heal. For more information, call 888-980-1600 or email info@lifestariop.com.

New Life Partners (for women)
An online resource and support group for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction.

Proven Men Ministries
Proven Men is a sexual integrity ministry that partners with churches, offering discipleship resources, in order to see individuals and families equipped and restored.

Pure Life Ministries
Pure Life Ministries offers a number of resources and courses for men, women, wives, and pastoral leaders, including a residential treatment program in rural Kentucky, phone counseling, and a home study program for spouses of pornography users and teens.

XXXChurch
Support for men and women dealing with pornography addiction, as well as for parents and those who are involved in the pornography industry. X3Pure provides 30-day online workshops for men, women, couples, and parents. X3Groups offers small online support groups led by a trained team member.

Other support groups and recovery programs

Fortify
A mobile-based recovery program from Fight the New Drug. Youth-oriented and free to anyone under the age of 21. Also includes video education on pornography.

Sexaholics Anonymous
A recovery program and fellowship of men and women who support each other in staying sexually sober. SA is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and uses a Twelve Step Program. It is not affiliated with any religion or organization.

S-Anon International Family Groups
A program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. S-Anon is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and uses a Twelve Step Program. It is not affiliated with any religion or organization. Also provides special programs for teenagers: S-Ateen.

Help for Parents

Covenant Eyes: Unfiltered
A Parent Workshop Kit “for an Ongoing Conversation about Internet Pornography” produced by filtering and accountability site Covenant Eyes. Available online for free: “Protecting Your Family Online: A parent’s how-to guide.”

Enough is Enough
Educational site for parents about how to effectively protect children from online pornography, sexual predators, cyberbullies, and other online dangers.

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson and Gail Poyner
A read-aloud story that helps parents teach their children what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and how to avoid it. It also teaches basic concepts about pornography and brain science, in a way that children can understand. A book for children ages 3-6 is also available, Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds.

Integrity Restored
Founded by Dr. Peter Kleponis, author of the book The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach, Integrity Restored has a section dedicated to helping parents protect their children from pornography and help them navigate a culture imbued with pornography.

Pure Hope
Provides Christian solutions in a sexualized culture. Equips individuals, parents, families, and churches to pursue sexual purity and oppose sexual exploitation. Key areas of focus include parenting, justice (combatting sex trafficking), and recovery for men and women addicted to pornography. Free downloadable resources include “Parenting in a Sexualized Culture” and “Recovery in a Sexualized Culture.”

Protect Young Eyes
Protect Young Eyes is a constantly updated, free website for parents who want to better understand apps, social media platforms, parental controls on popular devices, and how to create an internet-safer home for their kids. Subscribe to their parent technology newsletter by texting the word “protect” (no quotes) to 66866.

Protect Young Minds
Led by Kristen A. Jenson, author of the best-selling children’s book Good Pictures Bad Pictures, Protect Young Minds™ (PYM) seeks to help parents “porn-proof” their kids before they come across highly addictive and easily accessible internet pornography. Additionally, PYM offers guidance for families whose children have already been hurt by pornography and hopes to serve as a “force multiplier” by empowering proactive people who want to educate their local communities

Help for Priests

You Are Loved
As a result of the epidemic of pornography, priests have asked Catholic Answers to produce material specifically to address the subject. Catholic Answers published a resource titled You Are Loved, which offers inspiration and hope for the countless individuals struggling to break free of pornography. Perfect for confessional use, pastoral or counseling support on this particular topic.

Internet Filtering Tools

Covenant Eyes
Offers both internet accountability and filtering systems. Internet accountability helps to reduce temptation and start conversations about online activity. The filter systems will prevent users from accessing certain content and websites. Both of these systems are designed for parents, children, and adults. Available on various devices.

X3Watch
X3Watch, an initiative of XXXChurch, is an accountability and filtering program that allows you to monitor your Internet use, block URLs, filter content, and share your progress with people you trust. Available on various devices.

Advocacy and Education Resources

Religious Alliance Against Pornography
Comprised of diverse religious groups, RAAP is united by its mission to educate people of faith about the harmful and addictive nature of pornography and its corrosive effect on public health, support efforts that help those harmed by the pornography industry, and promote high moral standards in society.

Catholic Answers
Videos of chastity speaker Matt Fradd talking about pornography addiction, recovery, and more.

The Chastity Project
A ministry run by chastity speakers Jason and Crystalina Evert, the Chastity Project features videos on the effects of pornography and recovery from addiction, as well as other chastity-related topics.

Fight the New Drug
A grassroots, youth-oriented, non-religious, non-legislative, non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness on the harmful effects of pornography. They also have a recovery program called “Fortify” (see above).

National Center on Sexual Exploitation
Formerly Morality in Media, this is the leading national organization opposing pornography and indecency through public education. Numerous informative articles about the pornography industry, sex trafficking, and research on pornography’s harmful effects.

The Social Costs of Pornography
In 2010, the Witherspoon Institute published a book of essays about pornography by leading experts in psychology, sociology, law, and more. The companion website of the same name features videos by the authors and others on various topics related to pornography and the pornography industry.

Whispered in the Dark
 This one-day conference aims to bring concerned adults, parents, teachers, single/dating folks, priests, lay people, and anyone who wants to be more educated on this epidemic up to date with the best tools and resources to help face, battle, and overcome pornography.

DVDs and Online Streaming

Conquer Series: A Battle Plan for Purity
A five-episode DVD series with a leader’s guide, hosted by Dr. Ted Roberts, founder of Pure Desire Ministries. The series provides scientific information about the effects of pornography and lays out a spiritual strategy for defeating pornography use and addiction. Good for use in small groups or support groups.

The Heart of the Matter: Finding Light in the Darkness of Pornography Addiction
A documentary featuring interviews with men and women about how pornography affected their lives and how they found freedom from it. Available in its entirety on YouTube. DVD special features include a guide for parents, help for wives, and a guide for recovery. 75 minutes, with English, Spanish, Portuguese, and Romanian subtitles.

Books and Other Print Resources

Bought With a Price: Every Man’s Duty to Protect Himself and His Family from a Pornographic Culture by Bishop Paul S. Loverde (Diocese of Arlington, 2014).
An updated version of Bishop Loverde’s 2006 pastoral letter on the same topic. The small booklet includes a study guide and a suggested rule of life for those wishing to be free from pornography. See also Bishop Loverde’s article in First Things about the letter’s release: “Let the Battle for Purity Begin” (March 19, 2014).

Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned from Porn to Purity edited by Matt Fradd, foreword by Jason Evert (San Diego: Catholic Answers Press, 2013).
A compilation of real-life, first-person narratives about the corrosive effects of pornography on both men and women, as well as the possibility of gaining deliverance from pornography use and addiction.

Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. (Steubenville, OH: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014).
Written by a clinical therapist and the founder of Integrity Restored (see above), this book provides an overview of the effects of pornography on men, women, children, and society, as well as practical advice for breaking free of pornography.

Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution by J. Brian Bransfield (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).
A short book by a well-known author and speaker on St. John Paul II’s teachings on the theology of the body. The struggle of pornography is examined through an extended reflection on Chapter 4 of the Gospel of John, Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well. Read a review of the book on the For Your Marriage website.

Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn edited by Matt and Cameron Fradd
In Restored you’ll read ten honest, hard-hitting accounts of real women and couples whose lives were shattered by porn’s destructive effects. But because God’s grace is stronger, they were able to find healing and hope, trust renewed, and intimacy Restored. Read a review of the book on the For Your Marriage website. 

Restoring the Years: A Healing Workbook for Women Dealing with Their Husband’s Pornography/Sexual Addiction by Gwyneth Pierce
This interactive book provides women with encouragement and advice about coping with a husband’s addiction to pornography, grounded in Christian teaching and up-to-date psychological science. There is space for journaling and reflecting on relevant Scripture passages.

Restoring the Years: Winning the Battle over Sexual Addiction and Pornography by Gwyneth Pierce.
Restoring the Years provides the earnest reader wisdom and insights drawn from men and women who have fought the fight before you and won! Their stories are backed up with scriptural support, scientific data, and input from noted researchers. You don’t have to let the darkness overtake you. You, too, can overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony. Let today be a new chapter of hope, freedom, and victory.

The Social Costs of Pornography: A Collection of Papers edited by James R. Stoner, Jr. and Donna M. Hughes (Princeton: Witherspoon Institute, 2010).
A compilation of essays on the harms of pornography, moral arguments against it, and issues related to law and policy. The appendix lists the main research findings. A companion website provides more information, as well as links to purchase the book, a summary version of the book, and a DVD with presentations by the authors.

Transformed by Beauty, Co-Authored by Amanda Zurface, JCL, and The Catholic Gentleman’s Sam Guzman.
Transformed by Beauty is a free e-book offered by Covenant Eyes Inc., the pioneer of Internet Accountability software. Beauty can change your life. That’s a bold statement, but one that has been proven true by countless people. In this e-book, you’ll meet a priest, a musician, a ballerina, and a bodybuilder who all have one thing in common: They found freedom, healing, and peace because they encountered the beauty of a transcendent God. In this free download, you’ll learn: How beauty can help you heal from the wounds of pornography; How to have a redeemed vision and a sacramental approach to sexuality; and How we are called to be craftsmen in making beautiful things.

Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain by William M. Struthers (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2009).
Written by an associate professor of psychology, this book explains in plain language the science behind the effects of pornography on the brain, particularly the male brain, and how and why addiction happens. Includes a reflection on healthy masculinity in the Christian understanding of the human person.

You Are Loved
A short booklet that offers inspiration and hope for the countless individuals struggling to break free of pornography. Published by Catholic Answers.

Making Multicultural Relationships Work: Our Experience as a Chilean-American Couple

On one particular day in October 2011 (I am not sure of the precise date), I was making my way to class at the Pontifical Catholic University in Santiago, Chile, where I was studying abroad for a semester. The class was held in room N2 in one of the university’s central buildings, a ‘California style’ classroom complex with all the doors facing out to the open air. I took my seat in the second row where I sat next to the other American students, two boys and two girls from the University of Notre Dame. At the beginning of each lecture, the teacher would silence the pre-class chit chat and take attendance, but on that particular day he was occupied with another task in the first couple minutes of class. So the professor delegated the attendance to an agronomy major, Juan, with whom he had been talking before class about his farm in southern Chile. Juan had black hair, tanned skin, and stood about 5’7” tall, and as he sat at the teacher’s desk calling off the list of names, I remember thinking that he had the most wonderful deep baritone voice. Today I hold this memory dear to my heart as the first time I remember seeing and hearing the man I am going to marry.

I have always liked the phrase, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.” In Chile they have a similar phrase, “Uno propone, Dios dispone” which means something like “Man suggests, God decides.” At that point in my life, I had no idea how true those words would become. I certainly never planned on marrying someone from another country. And yet several weeks later, Juan and I went on a date, salsa dancing, after which he walked me back to my apartment as we talked and talked. We started studying for class together and going on long walks, and our conversation would turn from to what we were interested in and our thoughts on life and faith. We began to realize that this might be for real. Even though we had no idea what the future might hold, with a little faith and a lot of discernment we decided that we would continue discerning a life together despite the long distance and obvious challenges that our relationship presented. And so, after the 11:00 Sunday mass on my last day of the semester abroad, we said goodbye with no fixed plans to see each other again but a certainty God was not yet done with us.

My plans to study more than one semester at the Pontifical and eventually do my Master’s in Linguistics at the University of Chile (which is what I’m doing now) made our relationship possible, albeit with lots of time as a long, long, long distance couple. Juan visited my home in Wisconsin and met my family a year ago. This past April, 2 years and 5 months after we met, he asked me to marry him. Needless to say, I said yes.

The story of how God calls two people to marriage is always beautiful and is unique for every couple. Our story has certainly been unique. At times I have wondered why God would call us to marriage if we are from such different places. Then again, why wouldn’t he? If there is one thing I have learned in my life over the past five years, it is that God has a habit of surprising his followers with plans far more wonderful and challenging than they would ever have made for themselves.

As I reflect on our journey, I would like to talk a little bit about one aspect of our relationship that is not so unique, which is that fact that Juan and I technically speaking are what one might call a multiracial/multicultural couple. I’m not a fan of the label, but the situation it describes is becoming more and more common given the diversity of the United States. Cultural differences, like any other differences we bring to a relationship, can present their own blessings and challenges. There is often a greater need for communication about topics which are taken for granted when you share the same cultural background. It is important to learn about the culture of your significant other, and to make sure you talk about things like: How are gender roles different in your respective cultures? How are children raised? What is the role of extended family? What are politics like? Which values are most important in your respective cultures? And most importantly, how does your significant other feel about these aspects of their culture? After all, we do not adhere to everything our culture dictates. As practicing Catholics, Juan and I find that our values and worldview are often profoundly countercultural in the both the United States and Chile.

Communication, as in any relationship, is very important. Hopefully an engaged couple shares the same values of faith and family. When little issues do arise, which can often stem from cultural differences, be willing to try and understand where your significant other is coming from and to know the difference between non-negotiable values and cultural preferences.

And these little issues will arise. For example, we still haven’t decided what to do about my last name when we marry. According to my cultural traditions, I would take Juan’s last name. But according to Hispanic tradition, I would keep my last name and our children would have two last names, first Juan’s paternal last name and then mine. There are also other issues that we will need to discuss when we have children. In Chile, for example, babies are often not baptized until they are over one year old. I prefer Baptism at a few months, as is typical in the U.S. Besides timeline difference like that, there are also often differences across in the types of educational systems. For example, when I first brought up the idea of potentially homeschooling, this was a completely foreign concept for Juan, as homeschooling is almost non-existent in Chile. And of course there is a language issue. I am the only Spanish-speaker in my family and Juan is the only English-speaker in his, so it will be a priority for us to make sure our children speak both Spanish and English fluently. How we go about doing that will surely be a topic of discussion down the road.

When one person in a relationship is not just from another culture but is also an immigrant, or will be, this can add a new level of stress to the relationship. Juan and I are currently in the process of making decisions about where we are going to live and how and where we are going to pursue our careers while prioritizing our family. Sometimes I worry about Juan facing discrimination in the United States or my children not getting as good an education in Chile. Decisions like these are stressful and incredibly complex, as they will have a tremendous impact on our future. Juan and I try to approach everything with as much openness and honesty as possible, as well as with a lot of prayer and discernment. While these decisions are very stressful, Juan and I have found that they also increase our intimacy as a couple, as they require a lot of in-depth and frank conversations about what we want out of life and how we believe we are called to live out our vocation.

Despite the challenges, multicultural relationships can also be incredibly enriching, so I would leave you with this little piece of advice: Celebrate the best of both cultures. Learn to cook the food, speak the language, and have fun celebrating the holidays and traditions of each. Also, being exposed to how different cultures express their faith can enrich your own. For example, my exposure to Chilean Catholicism has certainly deepened my relationship with Mary.

Finally and most importantly, while I’m very proud to be an American, and Juan Chilean, at the end of the day our true heritage is in Christ, and our citizenship is in heaven.

About the author
Megan grew up in West Central Wisconsin, the second-oldest in a family of four girls. She studied Theology and Spanish at the University of St. Thomas and is currently working toward a Master of Linguistics degree at the University of Chile. She met her fiancé Juan while studying abroad. Juan, also the second-oldest in a family of four kids, grew up on a farm in Tinguiririca, Chile and is currently finishing his degree in Agronomic Science at the Pontifical University of Chile. The couple will be getting married next July.

Surviving the First Year of Parenthood

When a couple discovers that they are expecting their first child, they know (hopefully) that they are in for some tremendous changes. This is the case no matter their age, no matter the size of their home or their income, and no matter how long they have been married. That the birth of the first child marks a time of incredible changes to a couple’s lifestyle and priorities is a universal truth.

In my vocation of marriage, I am called to love God first, my spouse second, and my children third. Not only is this the best thing for my marriage, it is also the best thing for my son. Pope Benedict XVI once asked parents to “first of all remain firm for ever in your reciprocal love: this is the first great gift your children need if they are to grow up serene, acquire self-confidence and thus learn to be capable in turn of authentic and generous love” (Family, 44). My relationship with my husband is my most important relationship on this earth.

The fact is, though, that when you get home from the hospital, there is a very tiny and very needy little person completely depending on your time and energy to survive and thrive. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the needs of your new baby, in learning how to fulfill them, and in attempting to rise above your own feelings of utter and complete exhaustion. What does putting your spouse first and taking care of your marriage look like then? And what does it look like when those first few stressful weeks pass by and life gets “back to normal”– but “normal” is anything but?

Looking back on that first year of my now sixteen-month-old son Charlie’s life, there are certain things that helped my husband Daniel and me to adjust to loving each other in our new life.

Spending Time Together

First of all, spend time together. No kidding, right? Usually this very common piece of advice focuses on the importance of time spent without the baby, but while it is nice to get away for a couple of hours in between nursing sessions, this may not always be practical.

Fortunately, in order to have “quality time” with your spouse, you don’t necessarily need to leave your little one behind. An infant in your arms doesn’t impede adult conversation in any way, doesn’t yet need to be chased around the house, and will usually only cry if there is something wrong that can very easily be fixed. Early on, enjoying a meal or a movie at home with my husband with Charlie close by was much more relaxing for me than being away from him and wondering how he was. Once we put Charlie to bed we had the living room to ourselves, and we made our time together special right where we were, using the space that we had. This was especially important with our preferred sleeping arrangements which put Charlie in our bedroom for almost his entire first year.

Don’t feel as though you have to mentally “get away” from your baby either. Especially if one parent is staying home, avoiding the baby as a topic of discussion so that you can have “adult conversation” probably won’t work. Couples talk about what they are connected to emotionally and their day’s experiences. It is only natural that you will find yourself talking about your child a lot.

Daniel and I have found this to be a great bonding experience. Sharing with each other every day the joys, big and small, that Charlie brings to our lives helps us to remember the miracle– that Almighty God used our love for one another to create a brand new person. We help each other to hold onto that wonder that filled us during the first few hours of getting acquainted with our newborn boy. “That’s your son,” I might say to Daniel as we sit at home watching Charlie play. “Look at the little person he’s becoming.” Holding on to the awe at the miracle of his existence and remembering that this little boy is, in a sense, our love for each other made visible, binds us ever closer together.

A Little “Thank You” Goes a Long Way

Alas, everyday life with an infant isn’t all joyful meditation. In fact, at times it seems that it’s all sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a baby-shaped weight glued to your hip while dishes pile up on the counters. It is in this everyday existence that it often becomes difficult for me to see beyond the tip of my own nose to realize that my husband is also tired and stressed, and it is in this everyday existence that the little things can go a very long way.

For example, don’t let anything go without thanks, whether it is for your spouse cleaning up from dinner or going to work every day to provide for your little family. Other affirmations are appreciated, too. When I watch Daniel reading a story to Charlie and think about what a good daddy he is, I try to tell him so. It is so uplifting to be on the receiving end of these kinds of affirmations. One day I had just sat down on the couch to nurse eleven-month-old Charlie. “I know I see it all the time,” Daniel said as he gazed lovingly at the two of us, “but it’s still so precious.” This was so special to me that I still feel myself glowing just thinking about it.

The gift of facilitating personal time is another thing that is extremely appreciated. I’m talking about when Daniel takes care of Charlie to give me time for a leisurely shower, or wakes up with Charlie in the morning and takes him into the living room to play so that I can have an extra half hour of sleep. To a sleep-deprived mom (or dad), there really is no better way to say “I love you.”

These are all ways that spouses can take care of each other and help one another to adjust during the first year of parenthood. I saved the most important for last, though, and that concerns the rock of faith that marriage should be built on. Attend Mass together. Pray and read Scripture together. Share your feelings and struggles, without fear of how they may be taken. Lift up your spouse in your personal prayer. Also, do things according to the way God designed them, through the practices of natural family planning and, if you can, breastfeeding. With God as the rock you cling to, your love will weather this and every storm that comes your way. Really, though, I can hardly call the first year of my firstborn’s life a storm; it has brought way more joy than it has destruction.

A Lesson In Love From Our Dying Son

In the fall of 2011, my husband Patrick and I had been married for eight years and our family was rapidly growing. Our oldest child had just turned six and we were expecting our fifth child in December. John Paul was born on December 6, 2011. We knew immediately that something was very wrong. The delivery itself was traumatic, during which his arm was broken. When he was finally delivered, he didn’t make a sound. He couldn’t breathe. He was barely moving. He was whisked away to the neonatal intensive care unit. In the days and weeks that followed, we gradually started to understand the severity of John Paul’s condition. When he was 5 weeks old, he was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). We learned that SMA was a genetic, progressive, and terminal neuromuscular disorder. Gradually, every muscle in John Paul’s body would weaken and eventually waste away. Usually, death is caused by complications from a common cold because of respiratory weakness. You can imagine how we felt being told that our son would die from complications of a common cold, knowing that we had four children at home, several of whom were not yet adept at covering their mouths and noses when they sneezed or coughed.

Of course, Pat and I were devastated. We were trying to wrap our heads and hearts around the reality that confronted us. At the same time, we were also quickly falling desperately in love with our son. We saw his first smiles and he could even hold my finger in his hand. During our time in the NICU, it was a rollercoaster of singing lullabies and whispering sweet nothings one minute and the next using emergency procedures to bring his oxygen saturation levels back to normal because he couldn’t clear his airway the way most people do by swallowing or coughing.

We had gleaned some hope from families that we had been put in contact with who had children with the same diagnosis. They were living at home with their families, growing, learning and loving despite their weak bodies and many medical issues. In many cases, they were living way past what doctors were anticipating. We desperately wanted that for JP. We wanted our other kids to get to know their new brother and we wanted JP to feel the love and joy of a home and his family.

When he was 7 weeks old, JP had surgery for a G-tube, to enable us to feed him with a feeding pump and a tracheostomy because he required constant breathing support from a ventilator. When he was 3 months old, we brought him home.

It was beautiful to see the other kids interacting with him. Joey learned to use the suction machine and would practice reading to him, Liam loved learning to do his physical therapy exercises with him, Madie danced for him, and Ben would kiss him and play peek-a-boo. At every meal, they would fight over whose turn it was to give him his medicine or hook up his bag of formula to his g-tube port. This was our “new normal” and we loved it.

We also had some pretty major struggles in getting adequate nursing care and ended up doing much of his 24-hour care ourselves, taking shifts through the night on weekends, frequently jumping from bed to assist a nurse in clearing his airway and helping him recover his oxygen saturations to normal levels, taking him to appointments with just about every specialist you could name. He was hospitalized several times for infections. We also observed him quickly losing strength. Within a few months of his homecoming, he had lost the ability to smile, what little movement he had in his fingers disappeared and he was increasingly losing eye control.

Having a child who was so medically fragile introduced new challenges to our marriage as well. Never before was communication so critical. In some ways, it was easier to understand where the other was coming from. We were more sympathetic and patient because we were both going through the same sleep deprivation, emotional exhaustion, and tension of caring for a child whose life was not a given from one moment to the next. We were more unified and accommodating, and we literally knew where the other was at any given moment. John Paul gave us opportunities to love each other in new ways, like delaying waking the other when it was time for the 2 a.m. shift change or making sure the other got “snuggle time” with JP. We were reporting to each other when we needed to step away from John Paul’s side so that the other was “on call.” We also literally didn’t have the emotional energy for petty fighting. Did both of us snap sometimes in exhaustion, stress or frustration? Absolutely, but neither of us put that much weight on it. We both knew we were as vulnerable to the same weaknesses. Things that weren’t critical to the mission were quickly forgotten.

In other areas, our communication was more difficult than it ever had been. We had to make decisions about the future of our family and about how to do what was best for our son who was on life support, and we didn’t always agree. Little by little we learned that even when we disagreed quite strongly about the course we felt our family should take, we had to respect and trust the intentions and heart of the other. Resolutions were not always made overnight. Ultimately, because we both truly did have the interest of John Paul and the entire family in the forefront, when action needed to be taken, we were able to see eye to eye with time and prayer.

In February of 2013, we learned that much of John Paul’s brain had wasted. There were also new concerns that he had developed a type of nerve cancer. With a lot of prayer and peace, we discerned that God was calling John Paul home. On February 20, 2013, our parish priest said a Mass in our family room and, surrounded by family and songs of praise, JP joined the saints in heaven.

It has been a little over a year since John Paul died. Pat and I are learning how to support each other in the different ways we grieve. We are learning to be better listeners and better sharers. There is a deeper bond between us now. I can only compare it to what I imagine the bond is like between two soldiers who are fighting in the trenches together. I say “fighting” because even though John Paul isn’t with us now, the war is not over yet. It won’t be until we are both reunited with our little boy. There are plenty of battles left to fight and only God knows what they will involve. They may include more children with SMA. They may include more healthy children with other struggles. They will include the challenge of helping our children get to heaven.

Many times in the last two years, it took getting to that breaking point, whether it was feeling like getting adequate nursing care was impossible, receiving yet another call with bad test results from a doctor, or snapping at my husband in exhaustion, before I surrendered the circumstances to God. Ultimately, God did work everything out, but had I trusted Him with it sooner, perhaps I could have appreciated His hand in those moments rather than in retrospect. There are many statistics about the damage the death of a child can do to a marriage. Sadly, I don’t doubt their validity but it is a number that is unnecessarily high. When God gives us more than we can handle, it is because He wants us to entrust it to Him, and let Him take care of it. We can only fail if we try to do it alone. Of course, the myth is in thinking that we can do anything without God. Whether it is sharing the last piece of cake or burying a one-year-old son, we constantly rely on the grace that God gives us in our vocation to get our spouse and children to heaven.

Related Articles
“Spiritual Help for Grieving Parents” by Charley Monaghan

About the author 
Elena Kilner is the author of Letters to John Paul: A Mother Discovers God’s Love in Her Suffering Child, http://mooringspress.com/letterstojohnpaul.html.

About the photo
Patrick and Elena Kilner with their children, used with permission.

Till Death Do Us Part

The following is an excerpt from the book It Is Well: Life in the Storm by Chris Faddis, shared with permission from the author and Carmel Communications. In his book, Chris writes about finding out on Easter Sunday 2011 that his wife Angela had terminal colon cancer. She died 17 months later at age 32, leaving behind her grieving husband and two young children. It Is Well is a story of grief, love, loss, and faith.

To purchase It Is Well, please visit http://itiswellbook.com.

I sat with Angela as much as I could, holding her hand, playing music and praying many prayers, yet I would find myself feeling very restless and anxious. There is no more helpless feeling than sitting by a loved one’s side waiting for them to die. I felt as if I should be doing something. To move away from the instincts of trying to help her live, of doing everything I could to fight this disease, towards suddenly giving up was painful and heart wrenching. I had discerned our decision to move Angela home with hospice care with the help of very knowledgeable friends who walked me through the process of making this decision. It was clear that Angela’s body was in the pre-active dying process, and that there really was nothing we could do to stop it. One friend posed the decision this way: “At some point it is time to surrender to God and if she is in the pre-active dying process, it might be that time to accept death.”

I was confident that we had made the right choice, but as I sat in her room, I felt helpless and useless. I would rethink my decisions and question myself. “Am I giving up too soon?” This wasn’t helped, of course, by a few well-meaning people who voiced that they thought I was giving up hope. So in my restlessness and uneasiness I would pace, find things to do and find myself getting frustrated. As I would come back into the room, I would look at Angela’s peaceful face, and I would realize that my only job was to just be present to her and to wait patiently with her for death. When I finally surrendered to this reality, that my only job was to just be present to her, I felt an incredible peace.

hands

Chris Faddis holding his wife Angela’s hand

One particular afternoon, just a few days before she died, I sat with Angela and held her hand as I read to her. She would occasionally look up and listen or smile. I would tell her how much I loved and cherished her and she would respond with a faint response. At one point she whispered, “I always knew you would cherish me to the end.” As she fell back to sleep, I looked down at our hands and her ring was missing. It had fallen off several times, as Angela was so frail that it was now too large for her finger. She had placed it on the table next to her bed. I picked up the ring and placed it on her finger and held her hand again. I gazed upon our hands, reflecting on that ring and what it symbolized, on our hands and the symbolism of husband and wife walking hand in hand through life. I thought about the first time we held hands. It was on our first date to Cirque du Soleil. At one point Angela had moved her hand near mine and then gently touched my hand. I took her hand till the crowd erupted in applause and a standing ovation. Angela never admitted to holding my hand that night. She would say, “I did not hold your hand that night. I wasn’t ready.” I would laugh and remind her of the many things she did during that time of friendship – when she supposedly did not want to date yet – like lean on me, touch my hand, and even press her cheek against mine for a long time, as if to wait for a kiss. She would laugh at me and say, “Whatever, I was not that forward.” I then thought about when we did finally hold hands after we were “officially” dating. There is something remarkable about holding hands when you are falling in love.

Many people say it’s in the kiss that you know, or it’s love at first sight; I tend to think it’s in the hands. Holding hands was not always romantic, but holding hands was our constant connection to one another. Even when in an argument or a difficult conversation, we would often hold hands. When Angela was struggling with depression, I held her hands many times just to calm her, to soothe her, to help her feel supported. Angela, too, would hold my hand when I was having a hard day or down about my job situation or our financial hurdles. A simple touch of her hand would instantly soothe me.

Through Angela’s cancer journey, holding hands had become our primary form of intimacy. Whether Angela was receiving chemotherapy, waiting for surgery or simply resting at home, we would spend lots of time holding hands, talking, praying and simply being present. As I held her hand during this seventeen-month journey, I would often squeeze and hold her hand very tight as I thought about losing her, as if I could somehow hold her tight enough to keep her from dying. Now sitting in our room as she lie in wait for death, holding her hand was literally all I had left. She could hardly speak or even acknowledge my words; I simply had to hold her hand to communicate my love and to be sure she knew she was not alone. Indeed, I would be there till the end.

As I thought about her hands, I also thought about that ring, the one I gave her as I asked her to be my bride and the ring that stood as a symbol of this life-long Sacrament of Marriage. With that ring came our promise to love one another fully and completely until death came for one of us. The wedding ring speaks of permanence, of commitment, of an unbreakable bond between a husband and wife. Yet that ring could not bind her any longer; it could not keep her from dying, and it certainly could not keep her from heaven.

As I sat in this moment, I wanted to capture our hands one last time. I took a picture that I later shared. It is the image of us holding hands with Angela’s ring as the focal point of the image.
 A week or so earlier I had verbally told Angela that she was free to go home. My words on that day were, “You took my hand and you have loved me well. When Jesus comes and offers you his hand, you are free to go.” After taking the picture of our hands I felt I should say those words again. So I wrote them down and then read them to Angela:

“Till Death”

As if I could keep you longer, I placed this ring back on your finger today. It had fallen off a few times.

Oh, that this ring could keep you here longer. It is a mark of our commitment; it is my promise to love you with my whole heart, and yet there is a love greater than mine that will take you soon. How could this mere piece of gold compare to the love of God, which loves you completely, wholly, and perfectly?

It cannot, so I will hold your hand a little while longer. I will keep putting this ring back on your finger. But when the time comes and He asks you for your hand, you are free to go. Go to that perfect love which makes all things new. Go and be whole again. For now, till death do we part.