Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

Death of a Child

Of all the pains that life can hand us, arguably the most searing is the death of a child. A parent’s world irrevocably and horrifically changes forever, no matter what the circumstances or the age of the child.

In what seems to be a manner contrary to the natural order, parents not only have a physical and emotional part of themselves ripped away, but also have the loss of all of the hopes, dreams, and aspirations they had so completely invested in their child.

With this loss, a parent’s world radically and dramatically changes forever. Most friends, relatives, and acquaintances do not know how to approach or console for fear of offending or upsetting the parent. Many parents say they begin to feel that they are treated as if they have a contagious disease. In an attempt to seem normal, or “over it,” emotions are suppressed and the parent begins to withdraw or become distant. This reaction, however, compounds the all-encompassing feeling of being totally alone.

Many well-intentioned attempts have been made to assist parents in recovering emotionally from their loss, including psychotherapy and various support groups. However, in an attempt to be all inclusive and “politically correct,” the spiritual perspective of the grieving process—or even the existence of God—is usually lacking (or actively avoided) in many of these approaches.

It was the personal experience of my own family and this deep need for spirituality that led to what is now known as the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents.

Thanksgiving evening of 2002, a healthy, ambitious and successful young US Air Force Captain, Paul Monaghan, took his own life, without any explanation or warning signs. As unexpected as a lightning strike on a clear blue day, Paul’s death shattered our idyllic, comfortable family life forever.

For five years afterwards, when she wasn’t numb, my wife, Diane, frantically searched. Searched for answers from her son’s wife on what actually happened. Searched for answers from his friends on what he was like leading up to his death. Searched for answers from Air Force investigators, who took an entire year to file their death report. Searched for answers not so much to the question of “why” as to “how”. How could her beautiful son do this to himself? How could he do this to the family he loved so much? She frantically searched for understanding, read an entire library of books on the death of a child and suicide, went to psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists, joined support groups and journaled. Nothing helped at all.

During these years, she prayed for two things: the strength to get out of bed in the morning and an understanding of how she could make some good come from such a horrific tragedy, but her prayers seemingly went unanswered. She felt God was not listening. During this time, she says, she received some strength from her faith, but not much comfort.

Then one day, everything changed. Undoubtedly, it was the Holy Spirit that prompted her to attend a totally unrelated program that eventually led to a deep relationship with a compassionate religious sister, who was a Spiritual Director. They met at St. Anthony Shrine, a Holy Name Province Franciscan community in Boston, MA. Slowly, after five years, her numbness began to subside.

Over and over again, she talked with her Spiritual Director about the promise of eternal life…the fact that life has changed for Paul, not ended. The fact that she would indeed see him again. For the first time since 2002 Diane, in the rich teachings of the Catholic Church, finally found peace, comfort, and hope.

All this while, I was on a different journey. I put my feelings and emotions in a tightly wrapped box deep within me, while pretending to the entire world that nothing was wrong and that I was fine.

It is indeed fortunate that my wife and I had the wisdom to grant each other the ability to grieve in our own ways and so avoid what many married grieving parents experience – a good marriage becoming fragile or totally falling apart because of resentment or misunderstanding of the ways in which each other are grieving.

Eventually Diane made the life-changing decision to leave her position as vice president of a local college and go to work raising money for the Shrine in Boston. Growing more deeply in her spirituality, she eventually felt called to ask the Guardian of St Anthony Shrine if he would support a ministry to spiritually serve other deeply wounded grieving parents. She believed that focusing on the spirituality of the grieving process could help many other parents as much as it helped her. He agreed, and together they decided to offer a spiritual retreat for parents whose children had died. They opened it to any parent whose child of any age had died by any cause—no matter how long ago, and no matter how close the parent did or did not feel to God.

And so, with nothing more than trust that the Holy Spirit would guide their efforts, Diane and the Franciscan friars of St Anthony Shrine held their first retreat in March of 2009. I initially wanted no part of this endeavor, reasoning that real men bear up no matter what, fearing any display of any weakness or helplessness. Nevertheless, I ultimately went to the retreat to support Diane. There is no doubt in my mind that during that weekend I, too, was showered with the gifts the Holy Spirit so generously offered that day.

Fr. David Convertino, OFM, then Guardian, described that initial retreat, “This was one of the most grace-filled experiences that I have had during my entire life as a priest and as a friar.”

From this uncertain beginning, the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents was born. It now offers One-Hour, One-Day, and Weekend Spiritual Retreats wherever it is called to do so.

The ministry does not provide therapy or function as a support group. In fact, parents are told that they will not be asked to stand up and relate their stories, or even to speak at all, unless they choose to do so. Rather, the ministry seeks to create a safe and sacred space for parents to “undress their hearts” before God and others who know and feel their pain—and to focus on the tenets of our Catholic faith and the certainty of the Communion of Saints now and in the future. Truly it is new evangelization in action.

Since its inception, this ministry has helped hundreds of parents initiate or reinvigorate their relationship with God—and with their deceased children. Over the past eight years it has evolved into a ministry for grieving parents offered by grieving parents. Very much parent-led, it is a ministry requiring very little parish or diocesan time or money. Parents struggle through and share the horrendous pain of their own journeys with each other, while inviting Jesus to join and comfort them, just as he comforted his grieving disciples on the road to Emmaus.

To the best of our knowledge, there is no other similar type of ongoing ministry focused on the spirituality of the parent’s grieving process anywhere in the United States. Since its inception, the ministry has served hundreds of parents from sixteen states, as well as Canada.

While its spiritual home continues to be St. Anthony Shrine in Boston, the ministry, as a 501(c) (3) non-profit, now partners in ministry with the Archdiocese of Boston, the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston WV, and parishes in RI and CT as part of its mission to assist other parents and dioceses in introducing and maintaining this powerful ministry.

After one or more initial retreats offered in collaboration with our Boston-based retreat team, typically local parents are called by the Holy Spirit to carry the ministry forward in their own areas. In providing witness through personal testimony to other parents, many have found that “It is in consoling that we are consoled.”

Introducing the ministry in your area at little or no cost is relatively easy. Because we have been blessed with generous donations and several grant awards, we are able to come to you, wherever you are, bringing many years of experience and well-developed templates for offering your Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents spiritual retreats. Please call us at 617-542-8057 for more information or email diane@emfgp.org.

About the author
Charley Monaghan is a co-founder of the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents, which serves the spiritual needs of parents whose children of any age have died by any cause, no matter how long ago. The ministry is based in Boston, MA.

Related articles:

Mary Anne Russo, “A Special Family: Shaped by Down Syndrome, Grief and Grace”
Elena Kilner, “A Lesson in Love from our Dying Son”

Spiritual Help for Grieving Parents

With this loss, a parent’s world radically and dramatically changes forever. Most friends, relatives, and acquaintances do not know how to approach or console them for fear of offending or upsetting the parent. Many parents say they begin to feel that they are treated as if they have a contagious disease. In an attempt to seem normal, or “over it,” emotions are suppressed and the parent begins to withdraw or become distant. This reaction, however, compounds the all-encompassing feeling of being totally alone.

Many well-intentioned attempts have been made to assist parents in recovering emotionally from their loss, including psychotherapy and various support groups. However, in an attempt to be all-inclusive and “politically correct,” the spiritual perspective of the grieving process—or even the existence of God—is usually lacking (or actively avoided) in many of these approaches.

It was the personal experience of my own family and this deep need for spirituality that led to what is now known as the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents.

On Thanksgiving evening of 2002, a healthy, ambitious, and successful young US Air Force Captain, Paul Monaghan, took his own life, without any explanation or warning signs. As unexpected as a lightning strike on a clear blue day, Paul’s death shattered our idyllic, comfortable family life forever.

For five years afterward, when she wasn’t numb, my wife, Diane, frantically searched. Searched for answers from her son’s wife on what actually happened. Searched for answers from his friends on what he was like leading up to his death. Searched for answers from Air Force investigators, who took an entire year to file their death report. Searched for answers not so much to the question of “why” as to “how”. How could her beautiful son do this to himself? How could he do this to the family he loved so much? She frantically searched for understanding, read an entire library of books on the death of a child and suicide, went to psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists, joined support groups, and journaled. Nothing helped at all.

All this while, I was on a different journey. I put my feelings and emotions in a tightly wrapped box deep within me, while pretending to the entire world that nothing was wrong and that I was fine.

Eventually, Diane made the life-changing decision to leave her position as vice president of a local college and go to work raising money for the Shrine in Boston. Growing more deeply in her spirituality, she eventually felt called to ask the Guardian of St Anthony Shrine if he would support a ministry to spiritually serve other deeply wounded grieving parents. She believed that focusing on the spirituality of the grieving process could help many other parents as much as it helped her. He agreed, and together they decided to offer a spiritual retreat for parents whose children had died. They opened it to any parent whose child of any age had died by any cause—no matter how long ago, and no matter how close the parent did or did not feel to God.

And so, with nothing more than trust that the Holy Spirit would guide their efforts, Diane and the Franciscan friars of St Anthony Shrine held their first retreat in March of 2009. I initially wanted no part of this endeavor, reasoning that real men bear up no matter what, fearing any display of weakness or helplessness. Nevertheless, I ultimately went to the retreat to support Diane. There is no doubt in my mind that during that weekend I, too, was showered with the gifts the Holy Spirit so generously offered that day.

Fr. David Convertino, OFM, then Guardian, described that initial retreat, “This was one of the most grace-filled experiences that I have had during my entire life as a priest and as a friar.”

From this uncertain beginning, the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents was born. It now offers One-Hour, One-Day, and Weekend Spiritual Retreats wherever it is called to do so.

The ministry does not provide therapy or function as a support group. In fact, parents are told that they will not be asked to stand up and relate their stories, or even to speak at all unless they choose to do so. Rather, the ministry seeks to create a safe and sacred space for parents to “undress their hearts” before God and others who know and feel their pain—and to focus on the tenets of our Catholic faith and the certainty of the Communion of Saints now and in the future. Truly it is new evangelization in action.

Since its inception, this ministry has helped hundreds of parents initiate or reinvigorate their relationship with God—and with their deceased children. Over the past eight years, it has evolved into a ministry for grieving parents offered by grieving parents. Very much parent-led, it is a ministry requiring very little parish or diocesan time or money. Parents struggle through and share the horrendous pain of their own journeys with each other, while inviting Jesus to join and comfort them, just as he comforted his grieving disciples on the road to Emmaus.

Related Articles
“A Lesson in Love From Our Dying Son” by Elena Kilner

How To Take Young Children to Mass

Sometimes at the end of Mass a parishioner comes up to us and says “Your three children are SO well behaved!” Our standard response is either, “Thank you. We work at it” or “Thank you, some days are better than others.” The “better” days are the product of years of articles and brochures we read on taking children to Mass. Here is the distilled wisdom we rely upon.

Before Church

Make sure children are well-fed right before Mass. They do not need to fast, nor will fasting help them to be on their best behavior during Mass. We personally do not think it is appropriate to take snacks into the pew. Our exception to this is a non-spill drink cup that bought us enough time to hear the homily once in a while.
Beginning even with the smallest infants, dress them in some special clothing that they wear only for church or other special events. This does not have to be expensive and can be as simple as a nice pair of shoes. It helps them to identify what we do at Mass as different from everyday activity.
Check your diaper bag to make sure it is stocked for any possible needs. Consider including a small toy or book that your child sees only on Sunday at Mass. These should be quiet and made of soft material so that they do not distract those around you from their prayer while they are being played with or in case they are dropped.
Put on a fresh diaper or visit the bathroom right before walking out the door of your home or into the church.

For toddlers or older children

You might read the readings in the car on the way to church. This could even be the job of an older child. Then everyone hears them at least once in case someone has to step out during a portion of the Mass.
Before going into the church take a moment to remind children what you are about to do. Make sure they know what their job is at Mass. For us, we say that their job is to be quiet/still, to participate by sharing their voices and to pray. Their job is also not to distract those around them from praying.

At Church

Sit up front. Yes, sit even in the first pew if it is appropriate at your parish. It can feel scary and even a little out of control the first few times, but it makes a world of difference for little ones to be able to see the action. Over time it also helps them to understand what is most essential about Mass without the distraction of rows and rows of backsides between them and the altar.
We physically hold our children in our arms during Mass. In fact, we adopted the position that our children’s feet do not touch the ground during Mass until they are three years old. This helps in many ways. The children get a get a better view; as they grow and mature we can talk them through the stories and the actions; and we have a bit more control over their behavior. If an infant or toddler gets squirmy, often switching who is holding them is enough to calm them down. Otherwise we might play a quiet game of “point to the…candles, priest, altar, cross, etc.”
During their two-year-old year, we begin to let our children stand for a portion of Mass or try sitting next to us quietly, instead of on our laps. Then when they turn three it is a special milestone to be big enough to stand, sit and kneel all on their own (although if they can’t see over the pew we have them stand during the kneeling portions of the Eucharistic Prayer).
If an infant or toddler makes a little noise during Mass and settles down right away, try not to feel self-conscious. Most folks except for those closest to you do not even notice. And even if they do notice, give your fellow parishioners credit for being adults who can focus through a small distraction.
If a child cries or makes continual noise, it is best to calmly step out of the pew and take the child out of the main assembly until they have calmed down or are quiet. However, it is important to return to the worship space as soon as they are quiet, so that children do not begin to associate poor or disruptive behavior with a pass to get out of Mass. Just stand against the wall until it is appropriate to return to the pew. Our experience is that stepping out and returning even a few times is not nearly as disruptive as a crying baby and parishioners appreciate your consideration of their attempt to pray. Those that are parents understand completely.

After Mass

Praise your children abundantly for their good behavior.
If they need some improvement, mention briefly how they might do better next week and explain why. Let them know that you will help them by trying to remind them before the next Mass.
Answer questions children have about Mass and encourage them to understand the liturgy and its place in our lives.
For older children consider taking time to discuss the readings and the homily.

In taking our children to Mass we operate on the principle that we need to teach our children how to be in church as long as it does not distract others around us from their prayer. Some days are better than others, but the gift of passing on how we pray as Catholics is worth all of the challenges.

As parents, and leaders of our domestic church, we are responsible for forming our children in our Catholic faith. There is no more important experience to Catholics than the Mass, so it is crucial to help children understand and participate in liturgy as much as they are able. At times, it has seemed as though the only thing we accomplished at Mass was the exercise of standing and walking with a grumpy baby. But we also know that children do not remain little for long and they rise to our expectations. We will have plenty of opportunities to experience transcendent prayer at Mass when our children are teenagers or out of the house. For now, though, our primary job is to make sure they “get” what happens at Mass. We find that God has found ways to feed us, even on the most difficult of days with a teething toddler.

We acknowledge with immense gratitude Mary Ann Kuharski and Elizabeth A. Ficocelli for articles that made all the difference. Elizabeth Ficocelli’s article “Avoiding Mass Hysteria: Teaching Children to Behave in Church” was published in America Magazine. Her work can be found at www.elizabethficocelli.com.

“Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography”

At their November 2015 General Assembly, the bishops of the United States overwhelmingly approved a formal statement that addresses the many harmful effects of pornography use and offers a word of hope and healing for all the men, women, young people and children who have been negatively affected by pornography.

Called “Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography,” the full statement is available online at this link: www.usccb.org/cleanheart. The abridged version is available for purchase here.

Bishop Richard J. Malone, chairman of the Committee that spearheaded the statement’s development, said: “My brother bishops’ approval of this statement shows our collective concern for the widespread problem of pornography in our culture today. As the statement says, virtually everyone is affected by pornography in some way. So many people – including within the Church – are in need of Christ’s abundant mercy and healing. My hope is that the statement can serve as a foundation and catalyst for increased pastoral attention to this challenge at the national and local level.”

Resources for married couples struggling with pornography use can be found on For Your Marriage in the “Overcoming Obstacles: Pornography” section.

A Special Family: Shaped by Down Syndrome, Grief and Grace

By the time our son Stephen turned seven, we were hoping to adopt another child. To our three birth children, Guy (8), Stephen (7), and Matthew (5), we had already added David (3) and Danny, whose Down syndrome no longer seemed remarkable. He had passed the ripe old age of one and, although he was developing more slowly than our four older boys, he was making strides at his own pace. Other than a small PDA (a patent ductus arteriosusa or small hole in his heart) and the croup which scared us all half to death, he was in good shape physically. (The hole eventually closed, and he outgrew the croup, thank God!) Except for the time I fed him too many carrots and turned his skin orange, we were doing a pretty good job of parenting. Danny had grown into being just another member of the family, and we felt that we could care for one more baby with special needs. Down syndrome did not seem like a disability. It was a challenge which early intervention services helped us to meet.

The following spring, we met John Francis in The New York Foundling Hospital. He was four months old. The first time I held him, he looked up at me and smiled. (I refuse to believe it was gas!) I was a sucker for cute babies, and his little face won me over. Like Danny, John Francis had a small PDA. This was not an issue, but the colostomy bag attached to his little abdomen did present some problems. I had to learn to care for it before The Foundling would release him to us, and that made me nervous. But he had that adorable little smile and I soon managed to clean out his bag, “like a pro,” one of the nurses said, as though his guardian angel was guiding my hands. Looking back now, I think perhaps he was!

Our first night at home, I had a slippery little mess on my unskilled hands. I think that was the only time I wondered about the wisdom of our decision! My sister, who was present for my struggles and frustrations, suggested that I use a meat baster to flush out his little bag. That solved my biggest problem and I continued to use that baster until his colostomy was reversed by the time he was two.

The other boys did not like the idea of the colostomy bag, although it was covered up and soon became a non-issue. They were also against us naming the baby “Francis.” They thought the kids in the neighborhood would make fun of him. I had to laugh at that. Here was this little Chinese baby with Down syndrome and a colostomy bag and they were worried about kids making fun of his name! But we compromised on that, and named him John Francis instead. To my knowledge no one has ever made fun of him or of his name!

After his slippery beginning, John Francis found himself the littlest child in a busy household. We had decided, even before adopting Danny, that our family life would not change because of the addition of children with special needs. We went to Church, took them all to McDonald’s, went shopping and on vacation. Other than toting more luggage, along with the usual baby paraphernalia plus that necessary baster, we managed. My husband took the older boys to their sporting practices and events. I stayed home with the little ones, and joined him when I could. We were a typical family, busy in the chaos of everyday life.

All of the boys got along, but Stephen took a special interest in John Francis. They were “roomies” and Stephen seemed happiest when he was holding the baby in the crook of his arm. I can still see the look of pure joy on his face as he went about the house toting John Francis with him. They went to bed and crib, as usual, on the night of February 12, 1990, but Stephen came out of his room about 10 p.m. in distress. He had a terrible headache and could not sleep. I gave him some pain reliever and put him back to bed. I could soon see that this was not an ordinary headache. We called for an ambulance and, by 3 a.m. the following morning, Stephen was dead. His undetected brain aneurism had burst suddenly, without any warning. That is what made us a “special family”: grief, not Down syndrome.

A family does not get over the death of a child. As time went on, we began to function again, but it was very difficult. The older boys mourned Stephen quietly, and my husband, Tony, sank into a deep depression. The laundry did not stop, the house did not stay clean, and the meals did not cook themselves. I managed to get through some very difficult days bearing the brunt of a loss which nearly paralyzed us all. Losing Stephen was the greatest challenge of our lives.

I knew that, in order for me to heal, I had to give myself over to something greater than my loss. It seems incredible to me now that my husband, Tony, went along with my desire to find another baby, but he did. We began to actively pursue another adoption and were led back to The New York Foundling Hospital the following year.

A baby girl with Down syndrome had been born in January of 1991. She had a large hole in her heart and lay, we were told, like a little blue doll. The agency did not want us to meet her until after her surgery. They were afraid she might not survive, and did not want us to face what would be another devastating loss. A lot of prayers were sent up to heaven during the next few months! After the surgery, we were finally called in to meet her.

Now this little bundle was a challenge of a different sort! She had not developed the ability to suck and swallow. On the positive side, her heart had healed well and her prognosis was good. I faced the daunting task of putting a tube down her nose into her tummy four times a day so that she would be able to get the nourishment she needed to thrive. I was to do that after I coaxed her to drink from a bottle, something she never quite mastered. I did not know if I was up to this task, this risk of giving our hearts to another child, at all.

After we met Maria Grace, I went to church. By then Stephen had been gone a year and a half. While sitting in the back of my parish church, I looked up at the altar, praying for guidance. There, my soul very clearly saw Stephen, holding a little baby out to me in his outstretched arms. It was as if he were offering me the gift of life. How could I reject it?

Again, angel hands seemed to guide my own as I learned to feed Maria Grace. We brought her home by the end of that week, another China doll, when she was seven months old and weighed less than eleven pounds. Matthew, our youngest birth son, had taken over Stephen’s place as “roomie” and chief holder of John Francis. I was able to devote my time to the baby’s care

Our children are now grown. Our oldest son, Guy, works in a school with a boy who has Autism. He hopes to teach full time in September. Matthew worked in a Day Program with adults with special needs for three years and is looking forward to teaching Social Studies in the fall. David was a “Buddy” with United Cerebral Palsy and also “buddied” while he served in the army. He will graduate from college this May. Danny and John Francis both go to work daily in Hub Sites, gathering places from which adults with special needs go out to serve as volunteers in the community. Maria Grace also volunteers at a Hub Site. This only daughter of mine has grown into a confident 23-year-old who has the ability to keep us all in our places. Even the dogs! Down syndrome has not been a disability for us. It has been, instead, the lens through which we, my husband and I and all of our children, have learned to love each other. You can see our story on YouTube at “What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Baby with Down Syndrome”. I hope that the smiling faces it contains suggest that Down syndrome is a gift, like life itself.

How has it been raising a family in which three members have Down syndrome? It has been a gift to treasure – and to share!

Domestic Violence

What’s the difference between normal conflict and domestic violence? Conflict is part of every intimate relationship–that’s why conflict resolution skills are important. Domestic violence, however, has no place in a healthy relationship, whether the couple is dating, cohabiting, engaged, or married.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses, or threatens to use, to control an intimate partner. The two key elements are threat and control. Domestic violence can take various forms:

Physical – Violent actions such as hitting, beating, pushing, and kicking. In many cases physical abuse becomes more frequent and severe over time.

Sexual – Includes any sexual acts that are forced on one partner by the other

Psychological – Includes a wide range of behaviors such as intimidation, isolating the victim from friends and family, controlling where the victim goes, making the victim feel guilty or crazy, and making unreasonable demands

Emotional – Undermining an individual’s self-esteem, constant criticism, insults, put-downs, and name-calling

Economic – Examples include limiting the victim’s access to family income, preventing the victim from working or forcing the victim to work, destroying the victim’s property, and making all the financial decisions

Both women and men can be victims of domestic abuse. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline statistics, approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men over the age of 18 have been the victim of physical domestic violence, and almost 50% of both sexes have experienced some form of domestic psychological aggression.

Characteristics of victims

Female, although men can also experience domestic violence
Younger, often in their 20’s and 30’s
More likely to be dating or cohabiting than married
Nearly half live in households with children

Why do women stay?

Women often stay with their abusers because of fear. They are afraid that the abuser will become more violent if they try to leave. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot make it on their own.

Some abused women believe that the abuse is their fault. They think that they can stop the abuse if they just act differently. Some cannot admit that they are abused women. Others feel pressured to stay in the relationship. They may feel cut off from social support and resources. Abused women often feel that they are alone, and have no where to turn for help.

Why do men batter?

Abusive men come from all walks of life. They may be successful in their career and respected in their church and community. Abusive men often share some common characteristics. They tend to be jealous, possessive and easily angered.

Many abusive men believe that women are inferior. They believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.

Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening or they minimize it. They may blame their partner for the abuse, saying, “You made me do this.”

Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two different problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must be treated.

What the Catholic Church teaches about domestic violence

The U.S. Catholic Bishops have made clear that “violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form- physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal is sinful; often it is a crime as well.” (When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women)

WHERE TO FIND HELP

For abused persons

Believe that you are not alone. Help is available for you and your children.
Talk in confidence to someone you trust: a relative, friend, pastor or family doctor
If you choose to stay in the situation, set up a plan of action to ensure your safety. This includes hiding a car key, personal documents, and some money in a safe place and locating somewhere to go in an emergency. For more information about safety planning go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to local sources of help in all 50 states. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

For those who abuse

Admit that the abuse is your problem, not your partner’s. Begin to believe that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so.
Be willing to reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust who can help you to evaluate the situation. Contact Catholic Charities or other church or community agencies for the name of a program for offenders.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for information about where to find help.

Domestic violence and the permanence of marriage

Some abused women believe that Catholic Church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Catholic Church.

In When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women, the Catholic bishops emphasize that “no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage.” Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. The abuser has already broken the marriage covenant through his or her abusive behavior. Abused persons who have divorced may want to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment.

What the Bible says

Abusive men may take a text from the Bible and distort it to support their right to batter. They often use Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord”) to justify their behavior. This passage (v. 21-33), however, refers to the mutual submission of husband and wife out of love for Christ. It means that husbands should love their wives as they love their own body, as Christ loves the Church.

The Catholic bishops condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. Men and women are created in God’s image. They are to treat each other with dignity and respect.

Forgiveness

Men who batter also cite the Bible to insist that their victims forgive them (see, for example, Matthew 6:9-15). A victim then feels guilty if she cannot do so. Forgiveness, however, does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending that it didn’t happen. Neither is possible.

Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. Rather, forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience, to move on with life and not to tolerate abuse of any kind again.

Resources

When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women, a statement of the U.S. Catholic Bishops, 1992, 2002.
Catholics for Family Peace promotes a coordinated Catholic response to domestic violence and offers many resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Medline Plus, sponsored by the National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health.
HopeLine, a project of Verizon that donates phones to survivors of domestic violence

For Further Reading:

My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints by Dawn Eden

October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The statistics on domestic violence are heartbreaking. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in four women, and one in ten men, have been the victims of severe physical violence by an “intimate partner” (boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse) at some point in their life. Over a third of all men and women have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner. Domestic violence starts early: over half of women and men who have experienced some form of domestic violence were victimized for the first time before they were 25 years old.

Domestic violence shatters the peace that should reside in relationships, especially in the family, the domestic church. St. John Paul II described the family as the “cradle of life and love.” Domestic violence replaces life with harm and even death; it replaces love with anger and fear. It breaks down trust between husband and wife, parents, and children. Sadly, it is a cycle that tends to be repeated in the next generation as boys imitate their abusive fathers and girls learn to expect abuse from men.

The Catholic Church’s Response: “When I Call for Help”

Behind the sad statistics about domestic abuse are individual persons, men and women made in the image of God. What has been the Catholic Church’s response to such a tragic experience for so many people?

In their statement “When I Call for Help,” which was published in 1992 and reaffirmed in 2002, the U.S. bishops unequivocally rejected domestic violence:

As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form – physical, sexual, psychological, verbal – is sinful; often it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence (p. 1).

“When I Call for Help” remains the touchstone of the Church’s response to domestic violence. In it, the bishops address four audiences: victims of domestic violence (predominately, though not exclusively, women), clergy and Church employees, abusers (predominately, though not exclusively, men), and society at large.

The statement first provides an overview of domestic violence, defining it as “any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation” (p. 4). Abuse is not just physical (hitting, punching, etc.), but includes sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. The bishops also identify forced sterilization or abortion as a form of abuse.

The bishops say very clearly that domestic violence can never be justified by Scripture or Church teaching. “A correct reading of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love” (p. 9). They remind victims of abuse that they are not to blame.

And to victims who are abused by their spouse, the bishops state clearly that “no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage” (p. 9). In this, they echo the Code of Canon Law, which states, “If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving [i.e. separation]” (canon 1153.1).

In the last section of “When I Call for Help,” the bishops provide suggestions for action for abused women, men who abuse, and pastors and pastoral staff, who are often “first responders” to a situation of abuse. The statement concludes with a prayer drawn from Psalm 55.

USCCB Resources

“When I Call for Help” is available online here or for purchase here. Also available are Resource Cards that give warning signs of abuse and a hotline number.
This Preaching Resource is meant to highlight specific readings that lend themselves to raising awareness of domestic violence.
This English/Spanish Sign, which includes the National Domestic Violence Hotline and space to add local resources, is designed for use in restrooms.
Life Matters: Domestic Violence – a pamphlet from the USCCB’s Pro-Life Secretariat.
More information can be found on the USCCB’s Domestic Violence Page.

Other Resources

Catholics for Family Peace provides a media toolkit with tips for engaging with media during October to raise awareness about domestic violence. Find the toolkit in English and Spanish.
Made for Love Episode 4: When Love Means Leaving (Domestic Violence)

Infant and Pregnancy Loss

The Church calls children “the supreme gift of marriage” (Gaudium et spes, n. 50). Losing a baby, whether through miscarriage or as an infant, is one of the deepest forms of grief and pain that a couple may endure.

Unfortunately, many couples often suffer without any support, as in the case when a couple loses a child before sharing that they were pregnant with others, or insufficient support because family and friends are unsure of what to say or do because of the difficulty and often suddenness of losing one so young.

If you or a loved one has suffered the loss of a child during pregnancy or infancy, know that help and resources are available.

For Your Marriage Resources

Miscarriages and Stillbirths Puts Some Couples at Risk
Book Review for After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing and Hope
Loving Parents After Miscarriage
Spiritual Help for Grieving Parents
Solace and Strength in the Sorrow of Miscarriage
One of our bloggers shares her experience of a miscarriage

Catholic Ministries Supporting Grieving Parents and Families

Behold Your Child Developed by the Archdiocese of Dubuque to help provide hope and healing for parents and families who have experienced a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death
Catholic Miscarriage Support Practical and spiritual support for Catholics who have lost a child to miscarriage
Elizabeth Ministry International Offers hope, help, and healing on issues related to relationships, sexuality, and childbearing
Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents Offers spiritual support to parents who have lost a child at any age, by any cause, no matter how long ago
Heaven’s Gain Ministries For the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of families experiencing pregnancy loss: before, during, and after the delivery of their precious baby
Morning Light Ministry Guides bereaved parents from the darkness of grief toward His Morning Light
Red Bird Ministries Guides individuals and couples through the complexity and trauma that happens with the loss of a child from pregnancy through adulthood

Hope for Married Couples Who Want to Have a Child

Alone in the bathroom, staring blankly at the negative test, you tearfully ask yourself, “Why am I not pregnant yet?” Later, you may find yourself talking to your doctor about a “take-home baby” and come face to face with the costly, invasive and sometimes morally questionable reality of fertility treatments. You wonder, “Is there any hope for me?” As a Catholic gynecologist working with a team of pro-life physicians, I want to tell you, there is hope.

You may have tried to conceive for a year, the minimal duration to be considered infertile. However, you are a person, not a statistic. Your desire to be pregnant is real and is screaming, “Now!” As a physician, I agree. Now is the time to find out why you are not conceiving. You are not alone, and there is help.

More and more couples find themselves childless after “trying” for a period of time. After being married for six years, Jen and Bob were still childless. Sadly, Jen was diagnosed with Chlamydia as a younger woman, and she always thought that it might prevent her from having children. Although she had quit smoking and improved her nutrition to optimize her fertility, she also sought medical help due to worsening pain at the time of her periods. Through laparoscopy, we found mild adhesions from her Chlamydia infection long ago, and many manifestations of endometriosis. The problems corrected, six months later Jen came into our office carrying her positive pregnancy test, with a smile and a tear of joy after many years of trying to conceive.

Diagnosed with irregular cycles since she was a teenager, Hillary knew she had a hormonal imbalance. Starting abruptly after college, Hillary gained weight, became constipated, noticed the drying of her skin and began to feel cold all the time. She and her husband of one year, LeVar, came into the office to talk—not only about their desire to have a child but more importantly about the riddle of her hormonal health. A good health history and physical exam complemented the Natural Family Planning (NFP) charts Hillary had done for the last six months. Blood tests done on particular cycle days and the finding of low temperatures during the first half of her cycle, led to a diagnosis of polycystic ovaries. Hillary also had low thyroid function. Once her thyroid function was regulated and her insulin resistance addressed, Hillary began to have more regular cycles, and she showed signs of increasing fertility. Recognizing her suboptimal ovulation, she was given medications to help her ovulate more efficiently. After several months, Hillary walked into our office with that same smile Jen had shown us. She said she appreciated both the help with conceiving and the attention to her underlying hormonal problems.

But what happens when no underlying problems are found? That is the story of Miriam and Cole. In their early thirties and after being married two years, they came to the office to see why they were not yet pregnant. Both worked in high-stress jobs, and time was at a premium. Though meticulous and thorough, their history and physicals didn’t reveal the “why” behind their infertility. Laboratory tests showed no chronic diseases. Cole was given a collecting kit, enabling us to test a semen sample after marital intercourse and determine that it was normal. Dye studies and ultrasound tests showed that Miriam had a normal womb and Fallopian tubes indicating no physical blockage. Sequential hormonal testing throughout Miriam’s cycle indicated healthy female hormones in the right ratios, peaking and valleying at the correct times. Her laparoscopy showed neither endometriosis nor adhesions. Multiple cycles of attempting to tweak her ovulation with medications did not produce a pregnancy.

Stressed beyond their tolerance and depressed at not yet being parents, Miriam and her husband wanted a second opinion from a local, highly successful clinic specializing in in vitro fertilization (IVF). That procedure involves removing mature eggs from the mother’s ovaries, fertilizing them in a glass dish (in vitro is Latin for “in glass”), and then inserting the resulting embryonic children into the mother’s womb in the hope that one (but not multiple children) will implant and develop normally. As Christian physicians, we had to counsel them: “The central question you and your husband must answer before you go is this: Are the embryos made at the clinic your children or your property? If they are children, which your faith says they are, you ought not to experiment on or freeze them, or miscarry three to get one “take-home baby.”¹ We lost contact, but several years later, Miriam and Cole were back in the office with two children, Jason and Jackie. Both were adopted. Smiles and tears were shared along with hugs. Miriam said they never found out why they could not conceive, but it no longer mattered. They were a family, and they had peace: “Adoption grew on Cole and me. It became a real option for us.” At a defining moment, her faith helped her see the humanity of any embryonic children she may help produce and the dangers to which she’d be exposing them through IVF. And she was thankful for the guidance.

Restorative, holistic, integrative, respectful, and effective—these words describe how our faith wants us to approach the misery, agony and challenge of infertility. There are scientifically sound, as well as surgically and medically effective ways to treat the causes of infertility in a thoroughly compassionate manner. There are doctors across the nation who have learned the art and science of looking into the causes of infertility and, as appropriate, addressing a couple’s condition medically, surgically, psychologically, and spiritually.

Many successful options exist for Christians who want a morally sound way to treat infertility, and who need help combating the sadness, frustration, and even anger that can come from the inability to “have a child.” We all need to discern the course God has for us—physicians as well as couples. Sound science based on the dignity of the human person is available to help couples to cooperate with our Heavenly Father and conceive a child. Some may be called to adopt a child whom God has sent via another set of birth parents. Or perhaps some couples have a unique vocation that does not involve raising children. It is our challenge as believers of the living God to know that he loves all of us profoundly and that he knows us better than we know ourselves. When we align our will with his will, and respect his great gift of human life, there is hope for us all!

About the author
John T. Bruchalski, MD, FACOG (Fellow, American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology), a practicing obstetrician- gynecologist, is chairman of Divine Mercy Care and founder of the Tepeyac Family Center in Fairfax, Virginia.

Notes

¹ IVF raises many grave moral issues. These are explained in the USCCB statement Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2009).

Addressing Infertility with Kindness and Compassion

What do infertility specialists tell couples?

Hoping to find out firsthand, I called the number in a newspaper ad and joined an open house at a fertility clinic. I am sure that I was the only Roman Catholic priest there, although street clothes gave no clue to my identity.

My experience that evening could not be the same as the others in the room. They were yearning for a child. They were hoping that the doctors would make it possible. They were deciding whether they should entrust their hopes to this clinic. I was there only to observe.

The clinic staff explained infertility as a medical problem, and the couple as patients with a treatable condition. Testing was part of specialized medical diagnosis; the use of donor eggs, freezing embryos, and in vitro fertilization were therapies to overcome infertility; and having a baby would be a successful treatment of the parents. The presentation was not unlike a sales pitch.

The staff laid out treatment options. These may include corrective surgery and hormone therapy, but also in vitro fertilization, and even donor sperm or eggs. Quality control was highlighted. Doctors, we were told, select only the healthiest embryos for implantation. In the case of donor eggs or sperm, care would be taken to provide for the best “outcome.” Problematic multiple pregnancies could be dealt with, although no one clarified that this generally will involve killing one or more of their children in the womb. Clinical staff admitted that sometimes infertility is hard to treat. Patients are encouraged not to “give up.” Sometimes, they said, the most effective treatment is in vitro fertilization, and as part of that treatment, some embryos can be frozen for later use. Sometimes, they continued, the quality of the egg (ovum) is such that the best treatment is to use donor eggs.

It was striking that these “treatment options” were explained without any acknowledgement that these procedures are contrary to the dignity and exclusivity of marriage, that they most often result in the death of innocent human lives. They were not treatments that assist marital intercourse to be fruitful, but substitutions which violate the dignity of marriage and subject the unborn to mistreatment and death.

These clinics do not and cannot provide spiritual support to couples suffering from infertility, nor appropriate moral guidance about the options under consideration. Pastoral care is indispensable and irreplaceable. Consider the needs. Couples experiencing infertility may find it hard to cope with this challenge to their natural desire to be parents and establish a family. Well-meaning family and friends may add to this burden with questions or expectations. Cultural expectations can be very high.

Some couples experience painful isolation as their peers or other family members are caught up with the responsibility for infants and toddlers. Spouses with a history of contraception or even abortion may feel overwhelmed with regret and even believe mistakenly that God is punishing them. Some may feel similar remorse after having tried in vitro fertilization and other morally illicit treatments. Some may be coping with pregnancy loss or the loss of a child after birth. Some may be losing faith or hope as they face a prolonged challenge of infertility. Some need spiritual and ethical guidance while they continue to hope for a child, others may need help as they carry the cross of incurable infertility. Some need the ministry of Church organizations as they consider adoption or other ways of nurturing and caring for children. The need for compassionate pastoral care and support is great.

Working with infertile couples is a pro-life and pro-marriage ministry. As the Vatican Instruction Donum Vitae explained, marriage promotes respect for the dignity of the child and vice versa: “The fidelity of the spouses in the unity of marriage involves reciprocal respect of their right to become a father and a mother only through each other. The child has the right to be conceived, carried in the womb, brought into the world and brought up within marriage: it is through the secure and recognized relationship to his own parents that the child can discover his own identity and achieve his own proper human development” (DV, part II). The Church supports morally sound treatment to help married couples have children, rejoicing that “many researchers are engaged in the fight against sterility. While fully safeguarding the dignity of human procreation some have achieved results which previously seemed unattainable” (DV, 8).

Simply presenting couples seeking a child with a list of prohibited procedures is far from a holistic and supportive pastoral approach. Pastoral care is more than the moral evaluation of treatment alternatives. At the clinic, infertile couples will hear a scientist or doctor offering them hope for a child, and at church they must receive much more than a priest telling them no. In Dignitas Personae the Church reminds us that “behind every ‘no’ in the difficult task of discerning between good and evil, there shines a great ‘yes’ to the recognition of the dignity and inalienable value of every single and unique human being called into existence” (37). That “yes” must be apparent in our message to infertile couples.

“You send them away with theology, but the clinic sends them home with a baby,” one person told me recently. Aside from the fact that clinics send many couples home without a baby, this protest misses a great deal of the role of the Church. She should stand with the infertile couple in solidarity, and stand up for basic human rights whenever challenged by a culture that seeks to overcome infertility at any cost, viewing children as a product or a right. There are indeed methods for treating the infertile couple with full respect for the dignity of the spouses and for the life to be born. A pastoral approach to the infertile couple supports their faith, their dignity, their marriage, and their vocation. It recognizes the fruitfulness that all marriages are called to share, including marriages without the blessing of children. It offers compassion and clarity. When needed, it offers reconciliation and healing.

My visit to the clinic convinced me more than ever of the need for the Church to respond to the challenges of couples who struggle with infertility. Let us offer the light of the Gospel and the warmth of the heart of the Church to all couples who yearn for a child.

About the author
Rev. J. Daniel Mindling, OFM Cap. is Academic Dean at Mount St. Mary’s Seminary, Emmitsburg, Maryland, and is a consultant to the USCCB Committee on Pro-Life Activities.

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