Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

NFP Saved My Health—Naturally!

When only seventeen, I experienced my period every other week. My greatly concerned mother took me to see her gynecologist who promptly prescribed the birth control pill. This, the doctor did, though she performed no tests to discover why the frequent menses.

Uninformed about the dangers of hormonal contraception, and desperate for a relief, I happily accepted the medication. About a year later, however, I learned about the negative effects of hormonal contraception. I decided it was not good for me. Returning to the doctor, I asked for an alternative treatment. I was told that there was nothing that could be done for me.

Throughout my college years, I resigned myself to a fate of irregular and painful menstrual cycles. During this time, I had also suffered a number of ovarian cyst ruptures. Unfortunately, I did not dig into the causes of my reproductive health problems until later in marriage preparation when I first started tracking my menstrual cycles through Natural Family Planning (NFP). I worried that my condition would make NFP difficult to practice. And, in fact after I married, the first few months were difficult. My charts were confusing. My husband and I spent hours studying the charts trying to figure out what was going on. I became convinced that something was happening. The clear data empowered me. Not only did I know that there was something wrong, but I knew I could prove it!

After a few months of tracking my cycle, I went to see an NFP trained gynecologist. The doctor reviewed my charts, treated them as medical records, and ordered a number of tests to check my hormone levels. Many medical appointments, charts, and blood draws later, the causes were discovered.

I was diagnosed with both Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (an autoimmune condition). Though my irregular cycles and difficulty charting seemed like a confusing burden at first, they ended up being my saving grace. It was only through NFP that I was able to recognize the physical signs telling me that something was wrong. If I had not charted, I would not have had the necessary medical data to have my PCOS or Hashimoto’s diagnosed. These conditions would have remained unchecked and untreated—thereby doing further damage to my health and life.

While getting the right diagnosis was just the beginning of a lifelong journey with these conditions, I am grateful for the role NFP played. This journey led me to a compassionate and skilled Catholic NaturalProcreativeTechnology™ (NaPro) physician, who walked with me on a journey of infertility caused by my PCOS. When first diagnosed with PCOS I was told by an endocrinologist that conception would be unlikely. If I had not found a NaPro physician who took my NFP charts seriously, offering appropriate and individual treatment, I would not also be able to say that my husband and I conceived our first child—an amazing gift made possible by God’s grace and NFP charting, naturally!

About the Author
Brooke Paris Foley and her husband, Tim, live in Alexandria, Virginia. They are the proud and blessed parents of a baby due in September 2019, who they welcome as a gift from God. Brooke is a Bioethics teacher, a career through which she passionately tries to empower women in their reproductive health journey by teaching them about the medical and moral benefits of Natural Family Planning.

Brooke Paris Foley. This article is printed with the permission of the author. You have her permission to reproduce it in whole or in part, in print and/or electronically, with the following statement: Brooke Paris Foley, “NFP Saved My Health—Naturally!” Used with permission.

Marriage Rx

All relationships need help from time to time. Each article in Marriage Rx discusses the symptoms of a common but perplexing problem and offers a prescription to keep your marriage healthy.

The Empty Nest by Judy Clark

Resolving Differences by Kathy Beirne

Parenting Teens by Lynda Madison

Career Conflicts by Susan Vogt

Remarriage by Bill Urbine

Personality Differences by Judy Clark

Recreation by Mary Jo Pedersen

Making Moral Decisions by Joanne Heaney-Hunter

Parenting to Beat the Bedtime Blues by Lynda Madison

The Marital Sexual Relationship by Don Paglia

Finances: Yours/Mine/Ours by Judy Clark

Interfering In-Laws by Kathy Beirne

Sharing Household Duties by Mary Jo Pedersen

How Much Does Faith Matter? by Susan Vogt

Balancing Family and Work by Jim Healy, Ph.D.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut by Don Paglia

The Blessing of “Unanswered Prayers”: An Adoption Story

I am still in awe of how abundantly my husband Tom and I have been blessed. Like country music star Garth Brooks states so well in one of his songs, “I thank God for unanswered prayers”. For years we prayed so hard to conceive a child. We could not even begin to have known how much more joy God’s plan for us would bring.

Early years of marriage: waiting for a child

Tom and I met during our freshmen year of college so we knew each other fairly well when we married a year after college. At the time of our marriage, we were aware that my medical history of severe endometriosis might make conception difficult. (Endometriosis is a common health problem in women in which the tissue that lines the uterus grows outside of the uterus and on other organs of the body.) We were lucky in that we had the opportunity to discuss this before marriage as well as the fact that adoption was an option that we were both comfortable exploring. But it didn’t make pregnancy announcements from friends and family any less difficult as we clung to the hope of conception for five years.

One of the most challenging part of those years of trying to conceive was attempting to navigate the world of fertility treatments and their moral implications. At that time we had only a vague sense that most fertility treatments were in opposition to the Church’s moral teachings. (We have only in recent years come to understand the richness and beauty of the Church’s wisdom on this. [1]) Nonetheless, we stayed true to Church teaching and began exploring adoption.

Beginning the adoption process

For at least a year, we attended multiple information sessions of state run adoption programs, private agency programs, and even met with an adoption consultant. Because we desired a newborn baby, we ruled out international programs and chose to pursue private domestic (within the US) adoption. Most children adopted from overseas are older than infancy.

I was in graduate school in Boston at the time and had a faculty member who had just adopted a baby. I set up a meeting with the same private agency that she used and we quickly compiled the vast ream of paperwork that the agency required. (By the end of this process, I think that the agency knew more about us than our own parents did!)

Our application was submitted in January 2000. We then began a series of home study meetings with the agency. Contrary to popular media’s portrayal of these meetings as involving a stern looking woman entering your home for a white-glove inspection, nothing could be further from the truth. The social workers that we met with were partially there to assess our motives and suitability to become adoptive parents. At the same time, their goal was also to try to help prepare us for the process, experiences, and possibly even challenges that adoption could bring to our lives.

Receiving the call

Although the matching process can vary by agency, these days, many private agencies give the birthparents the opportunity to select their baby’s adoptive parents. So we prepared a photo album that gave a sense of who we were and we wrote a letter to the birthparents to be included in the album. The agency then forwarded albums to the birthparents so they could choose an adoptive family for their child. I can only speculate, but I think that getting the call from an agency saying you’ve been selected by birthparents and the match has been made is somewhat synonymous to getting the much coveted call from the doctor’s office saying that your blood test was indeed positive for a pregnancy. From this point, the little girl whose birthmother had chosen us to adopt her child was, in our minds and hearts, fully our child. There is a saying that a biological child grows in the mother’s tummy but an adopted child grows in the parents’ hearts. Nothing could be more true.

In August 2000, our first child, Katie was born. Unlike many couples who are blessed with a more direct path to parenthood, we took nothing for granted with our blessing. We “fought” for our turn to change her diaper (weird, huh?), feed her, and hold her.

Adopting again

In May 2002, Tom had a new job and we were preparing to move to another part of the state. Katie and I were having breakfast with a friend who asked if we were planning to adopt again. It seemed like a crazy time to proceed since we were trying to sell one house and were in the middle of building a new one. Her questions seemed to light a fire in me though, and I became a woman on a mission. The details fell easily into place (despite the fact that we had to change adoption agencies) and by June 2002, we had submitted our second adoption application. Even though we had so much on our plates with a toddler, a move, and an impending adoption, I felt a profound peace from that day in May straight through to the day in January, 2003 when we were blessed with the birth of our second daughter, Meaghan. (I was even fortunate enough to be at the birth!) Meaghan was born in Georgia, which required a two week stay as we waited for the legalities of the adoption process to be finalized. Gratefully, we were blessed with mild Georgia weather while our home state was buried in snow and a record-breaking cold spell.

A boy and a girl!

In December 2004, we submitted our third application for adoption. The process was uneventful and much easier by the third time. Katie was four years old at this point and whenever we asked her if she thought this third child would be a boy or girl, she confidently replied “Both!” We would soon discover that she must have had a direct line to God. Our son, Andrew, was born in Ohio in September 2005. Once again, we remained in Ohio for a couple of weeks as we awaited the legal process.

The day after we returned home, I was sorting through a box of baby clothes (and putting away the pinks and purples), when I was moved with a profound longing for another little girl. Now, mind you, I was thrilled to have Andrew in our life. He was a sweet and easy little baby. So, I was befuddled why my heart felt this so keenly. One week later, I had my answer.

When Andrew was only three weeks old, the adoption agency that we worked with to adopt Katie called to inform us that Katie’s birthmother was pregnant again and wanted to know if we would be interested in adopting this child who was due in four months. I suddenly understood my strangely timed interior longing for another girl and chuckled as I reflected on Katie’s childlike prophesy of “a boy and a girl.” I knew, without a moment’s hesitation, scared as I was by the situation, that this was God’s plan for our family. Molly was born in January 2006, and once again I was blessed to be present at the birth.

Life as an adoptive family

Almost eight years after the birth of my fourth child, I rarely think about the fact that these are adopted children. I just know that they are “our children”. They know that they are adopted and it comes up periodically in conversations. They just started at a new school and were commenting on how people often don’t believe them when they say that they were adopted. Minimally, we reflect on it at that point each year around their birthdays when we send letters and photos to their birthparents (via the agency). Otherwise, at this point we have no direct contact with the birthparents. I have no doubt that at some point, some or maybe even all of our children will seek out a meeting with their birthparents. When that time comes, and they are of the appropriate age and maturity to do so, Tom and I will stand by them and support them in this process of self-understanding.

There are times when something like completing parental health history on their medical forms call to mind that they are adopted. There are also the occasional school projects about the students’ ethnicity that creep up. Otherwise, we chuckle on the many occasions when Tom or I have been told how much our children look just like us!

I would be misleading you if I told you that it was all easy. The adoption application process, at times, felt profoundly invasive. But if you talk with many new mothers, I think they might describe the birthing process as rather invasive. There are some challenges that are unique to adoptive mothers and fathers. It is difficult to explain to adopted children that just because they were “given up” for adoption, it does not mean that they were not “wanted”. (The term used more widely now is “placed for adoption,” which helps highlight the selfless generosity of birthparents in choosing an adoptive family for their child.) When we reflect on our children’s future weddings, we understand that there is a remote possibility that we might have to share the “parent pew” with their biological parents. Then we remember that these four little blessings were only given to us to “borrow” for a short period of time, but they don’t belong to us, or to their biological parents. They belong to God.

About the author
MaryPat and her husband Tom, shown above with their children, have been happily married for 20 years, regardless of the fact that they have very few common interests – except for God and family – proving that opposites really do attract! MaryPat worked in college admissions and as a high school guidance counselor until she became the full-time mother of four adopted and much beloved children. With all four children now enrolled in school, MaryPat has begun working with families as an Independent Educational Consultant through her new business, Compass College Advisors. Tom is employed in the banking industry and spends his time sharing his deep love of the Catholic faith with anyone willing to listen. They reside in the Archdiocese of Boston.

Notes
[1] See USCCB document about infertility and ethical reproductive treatments: “Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology” (2009).

Hope for Families with a Child with Autism: Advice for Parents

A recent study identified 1 in 68 children (1 in 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls) as having autism spectrum disorder. (1) In the United States, most individuals are familiar with the disorder because of the high likelihood that they know someone with autism. The stress of any special needs diagnosis is difficult for a family, and those with autism have unique struggles. In order to identify resources available within our Catholic Church when faced with a diagnosis of autism, we can look to the words of our Holy Father Pope Francis:

When there is no human hope, there is that hope that carries us forward, humble, simple—but it gives a joy, at times a great joy, at times only of peace, but the security that hope does not disappoint: hope doesn’t disappoint (Morning Meditation, 3.17.16, emphasis added).

When I was told that my son was diagnosed with autism, I was the only adult in the room besides the doctor; my son and his two older sisters, ages 5 and 7, were there too. Our son was age three at the time, and his father was traveling out of town on business. I will never forget the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, and sense of fear that day as I stood in the doctor’s office.

Now, twelve years later, I can look back at those days with the benefit of hindsight and more importantly, grace. Despite the many challenges, and at times heartbreaking pain, I cannot imagine life without my Joey. That fear has been replaced by hope.

I have learned several lessons since that day, and each day brings a new lesson in how to help him grow. Each day also brings new insight for me as a parent, including where I need my own personal and spiritual growth.

The wisdom in our communion of saints is a resource that every Catholic can rely on when working with a child who has special needs. Three themes from our Holy Father’s ministry, which he emphasizes in homilies and in his writing, suggest a three-pronged approach for families with a child on the autism spectrum. Let’s look at each one:

Progress Forward

Many times with a child with autism, it can seem like one step forward, two steps back. The challenge is to have a long-term perspective, recognizing that the small steps you are taking now to provide early intervention will have a future payoff. Because autism often accompanies co-morbidities like anxiety, it can be difficult to manage your own natural worry as a parent, as well as that of your child. Make sure that every so often you take time to review the progress your child has made, and to express your appreciation for all of his or her hard work. It is also important to pat yourself on the back from time to time, because being a parent of a child with autism can be difficult and lonely. It can help to find local support groups in your area so you can share resources and support.

Humility

Frequently, mothers think that they are the only one who can meet their child’s needs. While it is important to recognize the mother’s role, both father and mother have to acknowledge that they cannot meet their child’s needs alone. Humility shows us that we have to rely on others, whether that be hiring in-home therapists, seeking private grant funding or finding other ways to get the support that you need as a family to successfully support your child with his or her diagnosis.

Simplicity

Pope Francis is noted for his simplicity as well as his humility. Sometimes, when a child with autism has an IEP (Individualized Education Program), a treatment plan with multiple medications, therapies both inside and outside the home, as well as the need for structural home modifications, the needs are so great that it can be hard for families to prioritize what is most important. Simplicity means focusing on the most important needs of the child right now, in this moment, and enjoying the many wonderful moments of joy that the child brings. I have chronicled the many funny things that my son has said to me over the years, which have not only made me laugh out loud in the moment but are something I treasure years later as I re-read them.

For families who have a child on the autism spectrum, don’t give up! There is hope, and lessons learned over time and from others can make the journey easier.

(1) https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/prevalence

About the author
Ann O’Keeffe Rodgers is a wife, mother and advocate for those with autism. She lives in Jacksonville, Florida, and is CEO of Hope Springs Florida, a vacation respite home designed for working-class families with a child with autism. Ann can be reached at rodgers_2244@hotmail.com.

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

Read more Marriage Rx prescriptions.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut

The Situation

After 16 years of marriage Bill and Betty find themselves in the marital doldrums. Although neither would say it openly, each feels their marriage has become lackluster and is in a rut. “Boring” was how Bill explained it to his closest friend. Although Bill and Betty have two children who keep them busy, what has characterized their marriage of late is a lot of routine and predictability. Even Bill’s tired joke that Friday night was their night for sex “in order to get it out of the way for the weekend”–a weekend filled with predictability and tedious repetition–was more true than he wanted to admit. It typified the lack of surprise or delight in their relationship.

Boredom started creeping in soon after Bill and Betty began to settle in to married life. Their efforts to provide their family with safety and security had instead created an all-too-patterned life of mostly sheer monotony. They began to treat their marriage as a finished product, rather than as something to cultivate. They then moved to the tasks of buying a house, having children, and advancing their careers, while expecting their marriage to take care of itself.

A Response

Betty and Bill need to recognize that being tiresome or dull is their own doing. Boredom is an emotional state resulting from inactivity or when couples are uninterested in opportunities surrounding them. Bill and Betty dislike uncertainty. Therefore, they work hard to create a life of security for their children and are carefully saving for their future. One might say they are a “risk adverse couple,” but to a fault. They attend the same few restaurants and go to the same place for vacation at around the same time of year. They’ve traded adventure and discovery for safety.

For some couples boredom is accepted as suffering to be endured. Common passive ways to escape boredom are to sleep or daydream. Other couples expend considerable effort and expense to remedy boredom through elaborate entertainment. These are only temporary fixes, however, since boredom is not so much dependent on one’s environment as a lack of imagination. You might say it is actually the person him/herself who is dull.

Typical solutions consist of intentional activities, often something new, since familiarity and repetition can contribute to tedium. Couples can learn a new hobby, take dance lessons, join a book club, cultivate a garden, learn another language, take a course, or go back to school. But that is not all they can do.

They can also get a life! For instance, they can help with the inner city poor or tutor children with reading difficulties. In short, they can get involved in something more important than themselves. They can start taking an ailing grandmother to and from her doctor’s appointments and see if the boredom doesn’t take care of itself. Either way, the solution is to immerse oneself in the world and respond to its many needs.

Early in Betty and Bill’s relationship there may have been the excitement of the chase. Once married, however, couples too often forget the importance of continuing to woo one another. They need to keep the love notes and flowers coming. They need to dress up for each other and to set up date nights. Sadly, many couples, when pressed, acknowledge that they never get away without the children.

Marriage can be a spiritual pathway, but it does not become so without intentionality and effort. Religion can be abused if it excuses boredom as something that just has to be tolerated as essential to the human condition. Acceptance of our human condition also means accepting our ability to imagine and explore new life experiences and to ponder what they mean for us spiritually. Probing God’s ways in our life can be stimulating and provide answers to life’s ultimate questions. God actions throughout history are seldom dull or ordinary. Try reading the Bible for dramatic interventions.

The challenge is not to destroy the relationship over one of the common marriage problems that can so easily be resolved. Even if one has divorced, and a new relationship initially seems exciting, this issue of boredom will eventually creep into any new relationship unless it is addressed. Couples need to re-kindle their love, no matter how buried it may appear. For example, they can switch off the TV and take half an hour to muse over the day together. Send the children to bed or off to grandparents for an overnight and have a candle lit dinner at home. Flood your conversation with things you admire and love about your spouse.

Read more Marriage Rx columns.

Pornography’s Effects On Marriage And Hope For Married Couples

This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

Sam’s Perspective—One Week Before Marriage

One week before our wedding, I walked into a convenience store telling myself it was the last time I would ever use porn. I had been using porn since junior high, but thought I wouldn’t “need” it after getting married. After all, my bride Beth was gorgeous, smart, athletic, cared about her faith, and was my best friend.

Sadly, the first several years of our marriage were filled with heartache, loneliness, and broken trust due to my use of pornography. We reached out for help to multiple counselors and priests, but there were not many people who knew how to help us in the early 2000s. By God’s grace we found one of the best counseling centers in the United States for people struggling with pornography use. We received several years of marriage counseling, attended many support groups, and rebuilt trust and intimacy in our marriage. For the first time in my life, I found hope, healing, and sobriety, and our marriage began to heal.

I am now a marriage counselor who specializes in treating pornography addiction. I have met with many good Catholics, both individuals and couples, who are breaking free from porn. In this article, Beth and I will share practical ideas and resources that have helped us and other couples heal from porn use and have thriving marriages.

Many Good People Struggle

One of the biggest lies that Satan has led many Catholic couples to believe is that they are alone in their struggles with pornography. People may be surprised to learn that many good Catholics and Christians are struggling with this issue. A Barna Survey on US porn use indicated that 37 percent of Christian men and 7 percent of Christian women used porn several times a week or more, and 64 percent of Christian men and 15 percent of Christian women used porn once a month or more.1 Indeed, as a couple, we have met many good men, women, teachers, clergy, youth ministers, and others who have struggled with pornography.

Brain Science of Pornography

It is important for people to understand that porn impairs the brain, whether it is used sporadically or multiple times per week. As the bishops state in Create in Me a Clean Heart, “Viewing pornography, usually combined with masturbation, directly affects the brain’s reward pathways and has been noted to have a similar effect on the brain as cocaine does on a person with a drug addiction or as alcohol on a person with an alcohol addiction” (p. 15). Pornography is never harmless.

Porn Decreases Sexual Satisfaction and Increases Infidelity

A common myth about pornography is that it enhances marital intimacy. This is not true. Instead, research indicates that exposure to pornography decreases sexual satisfaction in relationships for both men and women.2 Numerous physicians have reported that pornography increases rates of erectile dysfunction, even for young men in their 20s and 30s.3 Research indicates that married men who use pornography are more likely to have affairs, are less attracted to their wives, and are less interested in sexual intimacy with their wives.4 Research also indicates that women who use pornography are more negative about their bodies and have less sex in their marriage.5

Using or creating pornography within marriage is always wrong and can never be justified. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 17

In his counseling ministry, Sam has worked with couples who watched pornography together at one point in their marriage, but after a while the wives felt used and exploited. Finding out about the pornography industry’s strong connection to human trafficking and violence against women6 was an important turning point for these couples in their healing journey because it showed them the far-reaching impact of pornography.

Pornography’s Other Impacts on Marriage

Pornography can impact marriages with financial effects, broken trust, and risks of separation and divorce. We have met multiple couples who dealt with job loss due to a spouse using porn at work. Sadly, we have met many couples who did not protect their children from pornography, sometimes because of struggles or deception in their marriage about pornography. Pornography breaks trust and increases the risk of separation and divorce. During a national conference of divorce attorneys, just over half of the lawyers indicated that Internet pornography had played a significant role in divorces they had handled during the last year.7

Spousal Support and Betrayal

Being married to someone who struggles with pornography takes a toll spiritually, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It is important for spouses to know that they are not the reason their husband or wife seeks out porn, contrary to what they may be told; it is impossible for spouses to compete with fantasy. Spouses can suffer from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder when they discover their spouse’s pornography addiction and can feel a tremendous sense of betrayal.8 In cases of pornography addiction, when one spouse’s behavior seriously disrupts the family’s life, the other spouse is often the one who primarily takes care of the children, the finances, and the upkeep of the home, and maintains the perception that things are okay with family and friends.

Hope for Married Couples

But there is hope! While breaking free from pornography can be difficult and takes time, it is possible. The Lord wants to heal marriages that have been harmed by one spouse’s or both spouses’ pornography use.

Developing Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries can help people avoid pornography use. Several common boundaries include avoiding unmonitored Internet devices, image searches, lingerie ads, smartphones in the bathroom, magazine racks, going to hotel rooms alone, going to bed after your spouse, and lying or withholding information from your spouse. Many couples have found it helpful to use accountability and filtering software on smart phones, tablets, computers, etc. Filtering software blocks the majority of Internet pornography, and accountability software can send weekly email reports of Internet activity to trusted people.

Building Accountability

Speaking of accountability, it is one of the most important factors for people to make significant progress in freedom from pornography. For men, being accountable with other trusted men is often doing them a favor, since most Catholic men need encouragement and teamwork to avoid pornography. Women, too, benefit from accountability groups of women who are striving towards purity. It can take significant courage at first to be accountable with other people, but this is one of the most effective ways to break free from pornography.

To spouses: The Church accompanies you with love and tenderness as you confront this sin and its effects on your marriage and family life. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 22

Healthy Intimacy

Wives may not even realize that during the most intimate time with their husband, he may be dealing with thoughts and fantasies about porn. One of our counselors recommended that we should keep a small light or candles on in the room and make eye contact while making love. Our counselor also encouraged us to affirm and talk to each other while making love. These recommendations helped us to connect and bond deeply. We have also developed more emotional and spiritual intimacy in our marriage through regularly affirming each other, listening to each other, praying together, and emotionally connecting with each other.

Positive Catholic Resources About Sex and Marriage

Several years after beginning our journey toward healing our marriage, we found another great help: St. John Paul II’s teaching on the theology of the body (TOB), which presents in a compelling way God’s plan for sex and marriage. Instead of a negative list of rules, we learned from TOB resources that sex in marriage is meant to be sacred, holy, and even a renewal of our wedding vows!

It’s hard to describe how life-changing these positive concepts from TOB were for us and how much more joy and closeness they brought to our marriage. The concept that sex is meant to be a renewal of our wedding vows has helped us view sexual intimacy as something beautiful and sacred in our marriage. We started saying a short prayer before making love, thanking God for our marriage, and asking for His help to love and respect each other. TOB resources helped Sam understand that the opposite of love is using another person, which has helped him become more selfless and respectful in our relationship.

Praying Together

We have found it very helpful to say a short prayer together each day asking God to bless our marriage and family. We recently started saying a decade of the Rosary with our children at bedtime along with prayer intentions. We each try to read through the daily Mass readings along with other spiritual reading each day. We have also benefited from frequent confession, going to Mass as a family, Eucharistic adoration, listening to Catholic radio and Christian music, having spiritual directors, and being connected with Catholic men’s and women’s groups.

Honesty and Trust

In Sam’s work as a counselor with married couples, he has heard from many wives that their husband’s lies and deception about pornography use are just as painful, if not more painful, than the pornography use itself. These are delicate issues, but openness and honesty between spouses is important for true healing, especially if there has been an addiction to pornography. It can be very helpful for couples to receive support from counselors and priests to develop honesty and trust in their marriages.

Couples Counseling and Support

Married couples who are healing from pornography often need marriage counseling to rebuild trust and communication in their marriages. In addition, marriage enrichment programs or weekends for spouses who are struggling in their marriages can be a great help for spouses to learn to trust each other again and grow in authentic love.9

Freedom from Pornography Addiction

There are multiple online tests for pornography addiction including the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) and the Internet Sex Screening Test (ISST).10 Three important strategies to break free from pornography addiction include attending twelve-step groups, seeking professional counseling, and receiving marriage counseling. People who achieve long-term sobriety from porn addiction often attend weekly twelve-step meetings, call their sponsor and other group members daily, and diligently work through twelve-step recovery resources. Professional counseling is very important to address the underlying wounds of pornography and to heal marriages.

Spousal Support

For spouses who are healing from the effects of their husband’s or wife’s pornography addiction, professional counseling and spousal support groups are incredibly helpful. Having a safe and understanding counselor to talk with can give clarity and support during challenging times. Spousal support groups are not a place to complain about one’s marriage but a safe place to learn how to get through difficult times with grace, strength, and healthy decision-making.

Conclusion

We hope that these resources will give encouragement and hope to other couples like us who have experienced the damaging effects of pornography. Many good Catholic couples are struggling with porn, and we pray that they will reach out for help, and some day share their stories of hope and healing! We hope that these concepts and resources will help couples not just survive in their marriage but experience more joy, lasting happiness, and real intimacy. For more resources, and to read the full text of Create in Me a Clean Heart, please visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

In Christ our hope,
Sam & Beth Meier

About the authors
Sam Meier, MA, LPC, works for the My House Initiative in the Archdiocese of Kansas City in KS. Beth Meier, MA, teaches 7th and 8th grade religion.

Notes

[1] Provenmen.org Pornography Addiction Survey (2014) conducted by the Barna Group. Survey results are located at www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction.

[2] Mary Eberstadt and Mary Anne Layden, The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations (Witherspoon Institute: 2010), 38; and Ana J. Bridges, “Pornography’s Effects on Interpersonal Relationships,” in The Social Costs of Pornography: A Collection of Papers, ed. James R. Stoner, Jr. and Donna M. Hughes (Witherspoon Institute: 2010), 89-110.

[3] There are multiple secular articles about “Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction” and “Porn-Induced ED” on PsychologyToday.com. See also Gary Wilson, Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction (UK: Commonwealth, 2014), 27-36; and Belinda Luscombe, “Porn and the Threat to Virility,” TIME Magazine (April 11, 2016).

[4] Eberstadt and Layden, The Social Costs of Pornography; and Paul J. Wright et. al., “More than a dalliance? Pornography consumption and extramarital sex attitudes among married U.S. adults,” Psychology of Popular Media Culture 3.2 (2014): 97-109.

[5] J. Albright, “Sex in America online: An exploration of sex, marital status, and sexual identity in Internet sex seeking and its impacts,” Journal of Sex Research 45 (2008): 175-186.

[6] See Noel J. Bouché, “Exploited: Sex Trafficking, Porn Culture, and the Call to a Lifestyle of Justice” (pureHOPE: 2009); Ana J. Bridges, et. al., “Aggression and sexual behavior in best-selling pornography videos: A content analysis update,” Violence Against Women 16 (October 2010): 1065-1085; and the research compiled by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, www.EndSexualExploitation.org.

[7] Jonathan Dedmon, “Is the Internet bad for your marriage? Online affairs, pornographic sites playing greater role in divorces,” Press Release (2003) re: report from American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers; and Pamela Paul, “The Porn Factor,” TIME Magazine (January 19, 2004).

[8] Debra Laaser, Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2008); and Peter J. Kleponis, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography (Steubenville, Ohio: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014), 102-110.

[9] See the For Your Marriage website for a list of marriage enrichment and support programs: https://www.foryourmarriage.org/marriage-resources/marriage-help-and-support/encouragement/ and https://www.foryourmarriage.org/marriage-resources/marriage-help-and-support/support/.

[10] The SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test) is available at http://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php; the ISST (Internet Sex Screening Test) is available at http://peterkleponis.com/SelfTestForInternetPornographyAddiction.

About this article
Pornography’s Effects on Marriage and Hope for Married Couples was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing From Pornography Use And Addiction

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

“Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” (Psalm 51:2, RSVCE)

Striving for a Clean Heart
We are made for love. Each of us is created in the image of God, who is love (1 Jn 4:8), and we are given the vocation of love and communion. Jesus Christ, through his life, Death, and Resurrection, revealed the fullest meaning of love as a sacrificial gift of self. He offered up his body for his bride, the Church (Eph 5:25-26). We are each called to imitate this Christ-like love, including in the exercise of our sexuality as men and women.

But we all struggle to love well and chastely. Living our vocation to love brings the daily challenge of recognizing the beauty of each person we encounter. Today more than ever, maintaining a “clean heart” is difficult for everyone. We are bombarded with sexualized images all the time, and pornography is only a click away. Many good men and women struggle with pornography use. Often they are longing to be loved, to experience joy, or to find relief from the difficulties of life. But what is presented as liberating, euphoric, and fulfilling ends up creating frustration, emptiness, and shame. Pornography, and the masturbation that usually accompanies it, can become addictive behaviors (see sidebar). Using pornography impacts the whole person, body and soul, and thus healing is needed for the mind, the emotions, one’s relationships, and the spiritual dimensions of the person.

It is important to remember that no matter what you have done, you retain your dignity as a son or daughter of God, loved by the Father. What sin has disintegrated, grace can reunite and make whole. Thanks be to God for his great gifts of mercy and healing!

Pornography and Women
Pornography has been traditionally viewed as a man’s issue, but there are a growing number of women who use pornography or are addicted to it. Though it is not the same for all, women may initially seek out online social interaction as a way of experiencing romance. Some women are introduced to pornography by a boyfriend or husband and then become ensnared. It is likely that the Internet has facilitated the rapid acceleration of women using pornography, providing more anonymity and accessibility. The Internet offers a “safer” version of experimentation for women who may have been used or hurt in past relationships. Women, too, need help to find freedom from pornography.

What Constitutes Addiction?
How can you tell if you or someone you love has an addiction to pornography? A simple time-tested definition of addiction relies on the presence of four characteristics:

  • Powerlessness or a loss of control; failure to resist the impulse to use pornography and continuing despite efforts to stop
  • Progression can be an escalation in frequency and amount of viewing, lying to others as well as engaging in more risky behaviors both on and off-line, such as accessing pornography at work
  • Preoccupation with sexual thoughts, fantasies, and acquiring sexual material
  • Pain or despair as a result of pornography use or its consequences

Addiction fools the mind of the affected person into not recognizing the gravity of the situation. If you or someone you love has been compulsively viewing pornography over an extended period of time, despite efforts to stop, it is best to seek advice from a counselor trained in understanding and healing addiction.

Where to Start
In order to change any behavior or attitude, you must take full responsibility for doing something about it. Many people have the desire to change but are not entirely willing to do so. It is often more comfortable to allow a problem to continue than to exercise a solution. The first step toward healing is a sincere willingness to take the steps that are needed, even if they are uncomfortable.

Cultivating chastity takes work . . . It is a lifelong task and a daily choice. Be patient, persevere, and do not be discouraged. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 22

Having a vision for why you want to break free from pornography is also very helpful. For example, seeking freedom could be motivated by the desire to save your marriage, live with integrity, or fulfill your role as a father or mother. Pain is often an initial motivator. The journey toward purity is like climbing a mountain, and we don’t want to stop short. We want to reach the summit and receive the abundant joy and peace God has for us.

Healing the Mind
In order to break free from attachment to pornography, it is important to understand the neurological aspects of pornography use and addiction, and to counter negative thought patterns.

At a neurological level, our brains become attached to viewing pornography because sexual arousal stimulates dopamine in the brain, a neuro-chemical that promotes connection with activities that bring us joy or a sense of satisfaction.1 In the case of viewing pornography, we are training our brains to respond to and enjoy an image or fantasy, not a real person. But since the brain does not differentiate between imaginary and real, it is flooded with the same neuro-chemicals as produced by real sexual intimacy. In fact, the types of images found in pornography cause over-stimulation of the brain, which then wants to repeat the activity and is “triggered” by anything associated with it (being home alone, the computer turning on, etc.). Eventually, repeated over-stimulation caused by viewing pornography decreases our ability to experience normal levels of pleasure and reduces the brain’s ability to regulate impulse and mood.2

The good news is that our brains are more changeable, or plastic, than we may have realized. It takes time, effort, and support, but it is possible to heal the neurological damage caused by viewing pornography. A good way forward is to abstain from all behaviors that lead to sexual stimulation for an initial month. (Support and accountability is needed here.) During this time, it can be helpful to reduce caffeine intake and increase non-media-based activities like exercise. It is helpful to journal about emotions and situations that were “triggers” for pornography use, and to talk with others for additional insight. Eventually, over the course of thirty to sixty days, our brains begin to heal from the over-stimulation caused by pornography and many of the former triggers are felt less intensely.

It is also important to examine one’s beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. The cycle of pornography use and addiction is perpetuated by distorted views of one’s self and others and is fueled by shame.3 Distorted thinking includes an avoidance of facing negative emotions and using denial tactics such as blaming, rationalizing, and minimizing. Other common attitudes that need to be examined and healed are self-centeredness or narcissism, self-pity, and being manipulative. A good goal is to be aware of your negative or distorted beliefs and counter them with the truth that God made you, loves you, and desires for you to be free from sexual compulsion. Often counseling or a support group is a significant help here.

Healing Relationships
Pornography can cause significant harm to a person’s relationships. Viewing pornography changes how men and women see each other. It takes time away from one’s relationships and can cause serious hurt and betrayal when discovered by a spouse or loved one. At the same time, men and women who struggle with pornography use may have unhealed relational wounds or problematic ways of interacting with others that led them to seek intimacy in pornography in the first place. For example, some families of addicted men or women had unwritten rules such as “don’t show emotions” or “deal with your problems alone,” which prevented the development of a healthy sense of cohesion and intimacy in the family. For some people, the fear of being known—and possibly rejected—leads to hiding aspects of one’s self, avoiding intimacy, or trying to control relationships.

Relational healing takes place in many ways, but being accountable to others is one of the best starting points. Accountability can include the use of monitoring or filtering software, but it is much more than that. Accountability involves humbly giving oneself over to the guidance of others who have more experience and have reached a deeper level of freedom from pornography. Joining a group of men or women who support each other on the journey toward purity can be very helpful. A counselor, spiritual director, or mentor can also play an important role by offering feedback and insight to help a person engage in healthy relationships and recognize his or her relational deficits, such as insecurity, approval-seeking, need for control, self-pity, etc. These need to be healed because they may make a person vulnerable to pornography use. True intimacy with others, as opposed to the illusory intimacy promised by pornography, allows a person to share his or her life, emotions, and joys with another person. This is the kind of communion we were all made for.

Spiritual Healing
Finally, using pornography has profound effects on a person’s spiritual life and damages his or her relationship with God. Someone caught in the cycle of habitual pornography use often feels distant from God and even unforgivable. Confessing one’s sins is a powerful practice that can help one receive healing. At the human level, honestly disclosing your struggles and sins to other people in order to seek their help can be beneficial. For example, mutual confession within the context of a supportive group can help men and women grow in humility and be accountable to one another. At the sacramental level, the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation communicates God’s healing grace. This sacrament forgives sin through God’s abundant mercy, breaks the cycle of shame, and offers graces for protection from future sin. Regular confession is a source of strength for men and women seeking to live pure, chaste lives and embrace God’s plan for love and sexuality, a plan that leads to human flourishing.

Forgiveness, too, is important to the process of spiritual healing. When a person admits the reality of his or her pornography use, the harm caused by it starts to become clear. It is important for a person to address and make amends for the harm that was caused. In turn, when the person who is seeking freedom offers forgiveness to others, this activates God’s healing grace in all their lives.

Do not let the obstacles of denial, shame, fear, despair, or pride keep you from relying on the Lord’s grace. Believe in the power of God. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 21

Healing Is Possible
Recovering the purity of a “clean heart” involves healing and integrating various dimensions of the person. Breaking free from the hold of pornography requires the ability to make radical, concrete lifestyle changes. This work is ongoing, and healing is possible through the support of other men and woman also striving toward purity and through the generous mercy of Christ. It is never too late to seek help and find the freedom to live your vocation of chaste, life-giving love.

For more information, including the full text of Create in Me a Clean Heart and a list of support services for those seeking to stop pornography use, please visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Notes
1 N. D. Volkow, et. al., “Addiction: Decreased Reward Sensitivity and Increased Expectation Sensitivity Conspire to Overwhelm the Brain’s Control Circuit,” Bioessays 32:9 (2010): 748-55.

2 William M. Struthers, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2009).

3 J. Brian Bransfield, Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).

About the author
Daniel Spadaro, MA, LPC, is a mental health counselor and founder of Imago Dei Counseling in Colorado Springs.

About this article
“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing from Pornography Use and Addiction was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Quote from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright 1989, 1993, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Create in Me a Clean Heart: Abridged Version

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

In the statement “Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography,” the bishops of the United States give a word of hope and healing to those who have been harmed by pornography and raise awareness of its pervasiveness and harms. This abridged version covers the statement’s main points. Additional resources, including the full statement text, can be found at
www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

The Beauty and Vocation of the Human Person
From the beginning of creation, God’s beautiful plan for human love was inscribed on the human heart and in the human body. All men and women are created in the image of God and called to love. Jesus fully reveals our identity and vocation and shows us the way of love as a gift of self. The human body speaks a language of gift and communion and has great dignity. It should be treated with the greatest respect. As persons, we are meant to be loved and not used.

The virtue of chastity allows us to gain self-mastery in the area of sexuality. It is opposed to lust (which uses a person) and instead fosters genuine love for the other as a whole person. All of us are called to chastity. In marriage, chastity takes the form of faithful and fruitful love and includes the sexual expression of that love. While sin damages our relationship with God, our own selves, and others, it does not have the last word. Jesus redeemed us and makes it possible for us to live a life of freedom in the Holy Spirit.

Why Is Pornography Wrong?
Sexual love is a gift meant for marriage alone. “Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties” (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], no. 2354). All pornography is immoral and harmful, and can never be justified, including within marriage. Using and/or producing pornography is a sin against chastity and against human dignity. It reduces the body to an erotic stimulant. It harms viewers and does “grave injury” to those involved in its production (CCC, no. 2354).

The sin of pornography needs the Lord’s forgiveness and should be confessed in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. Its use is also often linked with other sins, especially masturbation but also adultery and the crime of human trafficking. Pornography objectifies people and brings hurt and pain. It is an illusory substitute for real relationships and intimacy, which in the end bring true joy.

Pornography in Our Culture Today
Pornography today is a structure of sin.1 While rooted in the personal sins of individuals, pornography is so pervasive in society that it is difficult to avoid and challenging to remove. Several factors are important to note when evaluating pornography’s presence in our culture today.

  • Victims: The women and men portrayed in
    pornography have their dignity abused for others’ pleasure and profit. There is also the heinous crime of child pornography and pornography’s connections to sex trafficking worldwide.
  • Visibility: Pornographic and over-sexualized images are present in our culture as never before. It is commonplace to see such images while going about one’s daily life. Maintaining purity in this environment is a challenge.
  • Acceptability: Pornography is often misrepresented as a harmless pastime or even promoted as good, for example to help marital intimacy. Many describe it as “normal” behavior, especially for men.
  • Technology: The Internet has made pornography accessible, anonymous, mostly free, and endlessly novel. This potent combination continues to have devastating effects on many people.
  • Industry: Pornography is a big, moneymaking business. The industry is aggressive and savvy, constantly trying to entice new viewers. It is under-regulated and uses the claim of “free speech” to counter legal charges.
  • Content: Pornographic content available today is increasingly coarse, violent, and degrading. It communicates the message that sex is devoid of love and relationship, and even that sexual violence is acceptable.

Everyone is vulnerable to pornography. Many good people struggle with this habit, including faithful Catholics, married and single people, fathers and mothers, and so on.

Users and Effects: A Closer Look
Men are particularly susceptible to pornography because their brains are strongly drawn to sexual images. But pornography is not just a men’s issue. A growing number of women use pornography. Men and women might view pornography to soothe emotional wounds or for “recreation.” Women users are often seeking a sense of connection or romance and may feel isolated in their struggles.

Someone can start by occasionally viewing pornography but later can become a compulsive or addicted viewer. Because pornography use, usually combined with masturbation, directly affects the brain, it can be an extremely difficult habit to break. A person addicted to pornography may take risks to view it and continue the behavior despite adverse consequences.

Sadly, first exposure to pornography often occurs at young ages. Children may find images and videos by accident online or may happen upon a family member’s “stash.” Many young people also produce their own pornography in the form of sexual photographs and videos shared with peers. Being exposed to pornography can be traumatic for children and youth. It gives them a distorted image of sexuality, persons, and relationships, which can then affect their behavior. Tragically, some children are forced to participate in child pornography, a crime.

Parents today face increasing challenges in protecting their children’s innocence and many feel ill-equipped to monitor their children’s devices. Pornography use within the home has negative effects on a family’s life. It can, for example, undermine the credibility of the father and other role models who use pornography, and if the breadwinner becomes preoccupied with pornography, financial problems may result.

Pornography use within marriage damages the spouses’ trust and intimacy both because of the behavior itself and because of the deception often involved in hiding it. Its use can lead to affairs, requests for degrading sexual behavior, and even divorce. It decreases spouses’ sexual satisfaction and interest in marital sex. For the unmarried, viewing pornography can make it more difficult to maintain a self-giving relationship of mutual trust. Undoubtedly, pornography fuels the hook-up culture and discourages young adults from undertaking the work of relationships in the first place.

Mercy and Healing in Christ and Through the Church
The Church is called to be a “field hospital” for the wounded of the world.2 No wound is out of the reach of Christ’s redeeming grace. Christ is our hope! The Church proclaims the truth about love, sexuality, and the dignity of each person, and she seeks to provide the Lord’s mercy and healing for those harmed by pornography.

To those exploited by the pornography industry, you are beloved and cherished by God! The way you have been treated is deplorable, and we will work for justice for all enslaved men, women, and children. Come to the Lord and allow him to heal you.

To those guilty of exploiting others through the production of pornography, the Lord in his justice and mercy is calling you to repentance. No sin is too great to forgive, but we exhort you to repent, make amends for the damage you have caused, and turn yourself over to civil authorities if you have been involved in criminal exploitation.

To men and women who use pornography, be not afraid to approach the altar of mercy and ask for forgiveness. God is waiting to meet with joy those who repent. Counseling, spiritual direction, and accountability groups can all help you to reach freedom. Filtering software can help you avoid near occasions of sin. Cultivating chastity takes work and is a daily choice. If you fall, seek the Lord’s forgiveness in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation.

To those who have been hurt by their spouse’s pornography use, you are not to blame for your spouse’s choice to view pornography. You may feel betrayed and deceived and may have faced abuse. If you are in danger, seek safety. Find solace in prayer and seek out a trusted spiritual director or counselor as you work through powerful emotions. If your spouse desires to change, you can be a great help to him/her. Set clear boundaries and take care of your own health.

To all parents, you are the guardians of your children and should be their models for chaste love. It is your responsibility to teach your children the true meaning of sexuality and to protect them from pornography. Be vigilant about the technology you allow into your home. Foster openness and trust with your children so they can talk to you about images they have seen.

To all who work with children and youth, parents have given you a responsibility to protect their children. You can have a great influence on the children entrusted to your care. Create an environment suitable for learning chastity and be vigilant over technological access.

To young people, Christ calls you to be strong, courageous witnesses of chastity and hope. Be an example for your friends of the freedom and joy that come from living a chaste life. Reject the pressure to treat sex as recreational or to objectify your body or someone else’s. If you have used pornography, seek forgiveness from the Lord and ask for help from your parents or a trusted adult.

To pastors and other clergy, we are witnesses of the joy and freedom of chastity. Let us call the faithful to the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation and make sure it is available. We too must approach the fount of mercy if we sin in this area. Let us preach on chastity and protect children from pornography.

To all people of good will, the Church is grateful to all who are working to acknowledge the harmful nature of pornography and build a culture where chastity and authentic love are esteemed and supported.

You Are Not Alone
Many good people struggle with the sin of pornography and are striving to cultivate chastity. You are not alone. Jesus is with you, and the Church offers you love and support. Trust in the Lord’s mercy and his power to free and heal you. For further resources and help, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Prayer

Have mercy on me, God, in accord with your merciful love;
in your abundant compassion blot out my transgressions.
Thoroughly wash away my guilt;
and from my sin cleanse me.
For I know my transgressions;
my sin is always before me.
Against you, you alone have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your eyes
so that you are just in your word,
and without reproach in your judgment.
Behold, I was born in guilt,
in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, you desire true sincerity;
and secretly you teach me wisdom.
Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
You will let me hear gladness and joy;
the bones you have crushed will rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins;
blot out all my iniquities.
A clean heart create for me, God;
renew within me a steadfast spirit.

(Ps 51:3-12)

Notes

[1] See Catechism of the Catholic Church (2nd ed.) (Washington, DC: Libreria Editrice Vaticana [LEV]–United States Conference of Catholic Bishops [USCCB], 2000), no. 1869; Second Vatican Council, Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes (Dec. 7, 1965), no. 25, in The Documents of Vatican II, ed. Walter M. Abbott (New York: Guild Press, 1966); and Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace, Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church (Washington, DC: LEV–USCCB, 2004), no. 119.

[2] See Antonio Spadaro, SJ, “A Big Heart Open to God: The exclusive interview with Pope Francis,” America (Sept. 30, 2013).

About this article

Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography, Abridged Version was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, Revised Edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC.
and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

Quote from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, second edition, copyright © 2000, Libreria Editrice
Vaticana–United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. Used with permission.
All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Raising Chaste Children in a Pornographic World

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

We live in a sexually broken culture. In modern times, the prevalence of pornography has become a pressing problem for parents. Here are five steps parents can take to raise chaste children in a pornographic world.

1. Parents, teach your children the true meaning of human sexuality and educate them in chastity.

Forming a child in chastity is one of the most important responsibilities mothers and fathers have.1 Because we live in a highly sexualized culture, children are receiving an education in sexuality all the time. It’s imperative that you as parents give them an education and formation in authentic love and chastity throughout their childhood.

First and foremost, parents must emphasize the beauty and sacredness of the body and sexuality, and the truth that we are made for lasting love. We are each made in God’s image and therefore called to love, for “God is love” (1 Jn 4:8). Far from the Church being down on sex, the Church wants to preserve the true meaning of love, including sexuality. Marital intercourse as God designed it serves to promote the oneness of husband and wife and the creation of new life (see Gen 1:28; 2:23-24). Parents should take every opportunity to impress on their children the goodness of God’s design for marriage and the family.

To all parents: Thank you for your great love and sacrifice! . . . You are the first guardians and teachers of your children and are called to be their models of chaste and fruitful love. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 23

Parents should also stress for their children the power of sex. One analogy to use is that sexuality is like a fire. A fire in the fireplace is good; its blaze brings warmth, light and cheer to the home. A fire in the middle of the living room floor is bad; without proper boundaries, it can burn the whole house to the ground.

Take heart! Most parents who talk with their children about the truth and meaning of human sexuality and the harms of pornography find that the awkwardness of the conversation is on the side of the parent—not the child. Children are eager for direction and guidance in such an important area of their lives.

2. Be aware of the widespread availability of pornography and the fact that many children are exposed to it at young ages.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is eleven.2 Over a quarter of children see pornography before beginning puberty, a percentage that has increased over past generations.3 By the age of eighteen, over 90 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls will have accessed pornography online at least once.4 With each new generation now growing up with the Internet, being exposed to pornography is no longer the exception but the norm.

Some children are exposed to pornography inadvertently when online. Others are exposed because of natural curiosities about human sexuality. The younger children are, the more of an effect it can have on their young brains. Study after study shows that young people who seek out and consume online pornography are more likely to have “recreational” attitudes about sex.5 Moreover, researchers have also found there is a significant correlation between frequent porn use and feelings of loneliness and major depression.6

Children and teens who view pornography in effect receive an education about sexuality from what they are viewing. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 17

Often parents fear that teaching their children about sexuality means saying “too much too soon.” But given the young ages at which children may first see pornography, unfortunately what happens more often is that parents say “too little, too late.” Mothers and fathers must use prudence and prayerfully consider how much information a particular child can handle and understand at a particular age. Good information arms children with the truth, enabling them to spot more easily the lies of our hyper-sexualized culture. Education in chastity can begin at young ages with encouraging modesty, respect for one’s body, and self-control. Later instruction, best given by the parent of the same sex as the child, can build on this foundation with delicate and clear guidance on sexual morality.

3. If you struggle with pornography use, seek your own healing to be a good example and witness of chaste love for your children.

Many parents find it difficult to broach subjects like sexuality or pornography with their children because of the shame they feel about their own sexual sins and struggles, whether past or present. But do not allow shame or embarrassment to stop you from teaching your children about chastity. If anything, parents who have struggled with sexual behaviors realize that for their children’s sake, they must be honest with themselves, repent of their sins, and seek out healing. A parent’s story of healing is a powerful story of redemption and conversion.

Parents, if you personally struggle or have struggled with pornography or other forms of sexual sin, it is never too late to set a good example for your children. Seek the help you need from the Church, professional counselors, or local support groups to overcome sinful habits that have weighed you down.7

4. Be vigilant about what technology you allow in your home, and establish clear boundaries by installing filtering software and educating your children about technology use.

Technology, and particularly the Internet, is now the primary gateway to accessing pornography. Everything from iPods to game consoles, from laptops to tablets, from TVs to smartphones—all devices that connect to the Internet can access pornography. It’s thus important that parents follow this rule: If I am not willing to monitor it, I will not provide it.

Parents and guardians, protect your home! —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 23

When it comes to protecting our children from the worst of the worst online, good parental controls can go a long way. Here are some tips:

  • Install Internet filtering on all your family’s Internet-accessing devices: home computers, laptops, tablets, phones, etc. Good filtering software, when set up properly, can block nearly all inadvertent exposure to inappropriate material online.
  • Establish a culture of accountability in your home. Along with filtering software, parents should also be receiving Internet accountability reports. Accountability is not about “catching” children doing wrong but about helping children think more critically about their Internet use. It also encourages parents to have conversations about sites their children visit and search terms they use.
  • Use “safe search” on all web browsers. While these are not foolproof, they can provide another layer of protection.
  • Many mobile devices today come with built-in parental controls that limit the kind of content and apps children can access on these devices. Make sure to use these.

Another concern parents need to be aware of is online sexual interactions. First is the increasingly widespread problem of “sexting”—sending sexually explicit messages, images, or videos through text messaging, e-mail, or social media. One study estimated that two-thirds of teens and young adults have received a “sext,” and forty percent have sent one.8 Some programs allow a user to send pictures that “fade away” right after they are sent, making it harder for parents to keep tabs on their children’s activity. Children and teens may feel pressured into sending or receiving a “sext” by peers.

The second threat are online sexual predators. While there are many different predation scenarios, most of them boil down to adults (mostly men) preying upon common teenage vulnerabilities. Online predators primarily use social media to identify and groom their victims.

The fact is that there will probably always be both adults and teen peers out there who seek to manipulate and misuse others for sexual pleasure and power. What parents must do is engender wisdom into their children so they aren’t easy targets. First, as emphasized above, speak with your children about the body and its sacredness. Teach them that we should keep certain parts of the body private, not because the body is bad or shameful, but because only your spouse should see you “naked and unashamed,” as Scripture says (Gen 2:25). Privacy affirms and protects the sacredness of the person and his or her body.

Also teach your children a healthy distrust of others online. This isn’t pessimism or paranoia; it is realism. Your children need to know that if they choose to be vulnerable online, whether emotionally or sexually, that there are people out there who will take advantage of that. They might spread a sexy photo for others to see, blackmail the person with the photos later on, or use them as a means to try to bond with a vulnerable child. Anyone can be flattering online, but real relationships blossom in face-to-face, honest interactions, not through manipulation.

5. Cultivate loving, trusting relationships with your children so they feel comfortable approaching you with questions about sexuality or sexual images they may have inadvertently seen.

Ephesians 6:4 says a father should bring up his children using “training” and “instruction.” These two activities encompass much of what the Bible says to parents about good parenting, namely providing an environment of structure and support. And of course this applies to mothers, too. As parents, when you provide your children with both structure and support, you will not be authoritarian (overly demanding with no warmth) or permissive (very responsive and warm with no expectations), but lovingly authoritative.

Permissive parents (all support, little structure) unwittingly train children to believe that their every whim and desire is good. These parents falsely believe that the best way to nurture a child’s character is through fewer rules and more familial love. While on the surface their approach appears loving and nurturing—especially compared to stricter parents—these indulgent parents raise children who easily wander into the minefield of sexual sin and have little
experience with resisting temptation and desires.

On the other end of the spectrum, authoritarian parents (all structure, little support) train children to seek refuge anywhere but at home. These parents create an overly critical home devoid of affirmation and encouragement. Kids in these homes start to believe that their parents don’t care about them, or that they will never measure up to their standards. These legalistic parents unwittingly chase their
children into the minefield of sexual sin.

But when parents give both strong structure and loving support to their children, they raise wise
children who desire righteousness, and loved children who know they can turn to their parents for help and mercy. God is always ready to bestow mercy on us. Through loving interactions with a parent, children come to experience, and then learn to trust, in this mercy.

For more resources:

  • www.usccb.org/cleanheart—The landing page for the full bishops’ statement on pornography and many other resources.
  • www.faithandsafety.org— “Technology Safety Through the Eyes of Faith,” run by the USCCB and Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America.
  • Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education within the Family, available on the Vatican website, www.vatican.va.

About the author
Ryan Foley is an Internet safety consultant and vice president of business development for Covenant Eyes, an Internet accountability and filtering service.

Notes
[1] See Pope Francis, Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Laetitia (2016), nos. 280-286, “The Need for Sex Education.”

[2] See Peter C. Kleponis, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography (Steubenville, Ohio: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014), citing “Pornography Statistics,” Family Safe Media (2010); see also C. Sabina et al., “The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth,” Cyberpsychology and Behavior 11 (2008): 691-693.

[3] The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography in the Digital Age (Barna Group, 2016), 115.

[4] C. Sabina et al., “The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth”; L. M. Jones, K. J. Mitchell, and D. Filkelhor, “Trends in youth internet victimization: Findings from three youth internet safety surveys 2000-2010,” Journal of Adolescent Health 50 (2012): 179-186.

[5] M. Flood, “The Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People,” Child Abuse Review 18 (2009): 384-400; J. Brown and K. L’Engle, “X-Rated: Sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with U.S. early adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit media,” Communication Research 36 (2009): 129-151; and D. Braun-Courville and M. Rojas, “Exposure to sexually explicit web sites and adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors,” Journal of Adolescent Health 45 (2009): 156-162.

[6] M. L. Ybarra and K. J. Mitchell, “Exposure to Internet Pornography among Children and Adolescents: A National Survey,” Cyberpsychology & Behavior 8 (2005): 473-486.

[7] For a list of support groups and recovery programs, go to www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

[8] The Porn Phenomenon, 28-29.

 

About this article
Raising Chaste Children in a Pornographic World was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.