Tag Archives: Married Life

Parenting to Beat the Bedtime Blues

The Situation

My wife and I have been happily married for eight years and are absolutely enamored of our 3-year-old daughter, Mary. We both work stressful jobs, and we are tired from doing household tasks and playing with Mary once we’re home. We need a few minutes to sit and talk before we go to bed. However, once we tuck her in, Mary just won’t stay in bed. We stick to a routine that includes brushing teeth and a story, but she constantly gets out of bed, asks for a glass of water, or complains about an imaginary tummy ache. We are exhausted and frustrated, plus we argue about the best way to handle these nighttime travails. We vacillate between comforting Mary, demanding that she go back to bed, and criticizing each other’s parenting style. It’s beginning to wear on our relationship. What can we do to preserve our sanity and get a little quality time with each other at night?

A Response

You are right that in order to keep your marriage healthy, you need to nurture yourselves in addition to taking care of your child. Bedtime can be especially stressful. For Mary, that means the end of stimulating interaction and attention. At the same time, you are looking forward to a few minutes of downtime yourselves before you fall into bed.

You are off to a good start by keeping a routine. Spending 20 minutes or so on the rituals that lead up to bedtime can help your child know what is coming and recall the sequence that leads to sleep. Unless that isn’t what happens! If you read a second book or deliver water to her bedside when she whines, those behaviors become part of the routine, too.

Here are a few steps that might help:

  • Make sure your child knows what is expected of her. Tell her that once she is in bed, you want her to stay there, even if she can’t go to sleep right away.
  • Give your child choices both you and she can live with, but that help her to feel in control. For instance, ask if she’d like to take her doll or her panda to bed (the choice is which item goes with her, not whether she is going at all.)
  • Make conditions conducive for sleeping. Turn the lights low, pull the door at least partway shut, and keep noise to a minimum. Be careful that your child doesn’t overhear your disagreements about how to manage her behavior. Arguments between parents tend to increase a child’s concern.
  • If your daughter has an ingrained habit of popping out of bed once she’s put there, try a firm approach: Simply carry her back–no words, no anger, just calm action. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. The behavior usually disappears within a few nights.
  • If Mary seems truly fearful, she may need a more soothing approach to shaping her stay-in-bed behavior. After you’ve read to Mary and turned off the light, pat her back for a few minutes to help her relax. Then, tell her you’ll be back in a few minutes if she stays in her bed. Leave for just a minute so you are sure she will still be in bed when you return, then tell her you are glad she stayed in bed, pat her back again for a minute, and leave again, offering the same thing. If she gets out of bed, put her back in bed without patting, tell her to stay there and that you’ll be back soon (you’ll need to decrease the interval again at this point). Walk out very briefly so she’s in bed when you return, and let her know you are pleased. Keep doing this until you find her asleep. Over the next few nights, gradually increase the interval you stay away each time, so she learns to relax and fall asleep on her own.
  • Once a bedtime routine is established, consider taking turns putting Mary to bed, to allow individual closeness as well as offering the other spouse a break. If Mary knows you will both stick with the same routine and give the same answer once she’s tucked into bed, you will minimize the number of trips either of you needs to make back to her room.
  • If these simple strategies don’t help, consider seeking assistance from a child psychologist, who can help tailor an approach to your particular situation.

Finally, because evenings can be tiring and leave little time for you as a couple, it is important to keep perspective about how much nightly downtime you will be able to squeak out when your children are little. To recharge your relationship, plan ahead for times when you can focus on each other. Consider setting up a regular date night. Remember that this time in your child’s life is brief and things will get better. A little effort to shape appropriate behavior now will avoid bigger problems later on. If you work as a team, you’ll be better able to play as a team, too.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

About the author
Lynda is a clinical psychologist and is on staff at the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Omaha. She and her husband Jim have been married 28 years and have two daughters.

Marriage and a Special Needs Child

Carolyn called me through the Pastoral Solutions Institute to discuss her marriage to Tom.

“We were like a lot of couples. It used to be hard to find time for each other what with work and the boys, but when our Jimmy was diagnosed with profound autism, it was like a bomb went off. Tom just withdrew into work and all my time was taken up taking Jimmy from one doctor to another and trying to keep my other kids’ lives as normal as possible. All of a sudden, the little bit of time Tom and I had was totally gone. Between that and how resentful I feel toward him for leaving everything to me, the tension is terrible. I don’t know where to begin.”

Carolyn and Tom are like a lot of families with children who have special needs. According to some research, the divorce rate for couples with special-needs kids hovers around 80 percent. More hopefully, however, other studies indicate that 18 percent of these couples in this situation say their children have brought them closer together. What’s the difference between the couples who rise to the challenge and those who don’t? Here are some tips.

The challenges of raising a special-needs child can become a blessing.

  • You’re in it together. Under any circumstances, a couple needs to be a team, but this is rarely as true as when a couple is confronted by the challenges that can come with raising a special-needs child. But the challenges can become a blessing if the couple responds to each challenge together. The research is consistent that the marital problems couples may experience in this situation are not so much caused by the time and effort it takes to attend to the child’s needs, but rather from the tendency for couples to retreat into themselves and stop communicating with one another.
  • Make time to pray together and communicate about schedules, feelings, and needs. Be sure to find simple ways to take care of each other. Little actions like saying, “I love you,” calling from work to check-in, and thoughtful gestures that communicate your appreciation for each other are critical to keep up morale and marital rapport. It doesn’t have to take a lot of effort, just thoughtfulness. Making a “love list,” in which you and your mate identify simple ways to attend to each other, can give you ideas for the days you are so busy you can’t even think. (See my book: For Better… FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage for more details).
  • Deal honestly with your frustrations. Sometimes parents struggle because their feelings of intense love for their children become intensely complicated with frustration, exhaustion, irritation, resentment over the care that is required of them, as well as guilt for feeling anything negative about their child, for whom they would happily give their lives even on their worst day. These negative feelings usually pass soon enough, but couples can help each other manage these emotions by being willing to express them to each other, tolerate them from each other, and nurture each other through those difficult reactions and help each other get back on line. It can be frightening to confess these negative feelings to each other, and it can be tempting to want to shut down your mate when they are expressing their frustrations (even when you feel similarly). But couples who find the courage to confess and listen, are the couples who rise to the challenges because of each other’s support and love.
  • Take time for each other. Every couple needs time alone, but it is critical for the parents of a special-needs child who need time to process their stress and reconnect. Getting this time can be difficult because finding competent childcare can be a challenge, especially if the child’s disability is serious. But even when date nights out are impossible, it is essential that a couple at least carve out some time at home where they can be alone to play, pray, talk, and be intimate with each other. Studies consistently show that people who deal with stress by reaching out, instead of pulling in, can learn to thrive despite–or even because of–their challenging circumstances. Cling to each other in good times and bad.
  • Get assistance and support. Make a list of the support and resources you feel you need to help your child achieve his or her potential and to help your marriage and family function at its absolute best. Even if you think it is impossible to meet some of these needs, write them down. Then, don’t be shy about telling everyone you know about these needs– regularly. As Christians, we are privileged to be part of a community that is obliged to respond to one another in generosity and love. Don’t feel that you are burdening others with your requests for babysitting, housekeeping help, respite, or support. Renounce the pride that tells you that you shouldn’t trouble other people with your problems or needs. Give others the gift of allowing them to be a gift to you.
  • Seek help quickly. When you are traveling down the road of raising a special-needs child, you can’t afford a breakdown. Seek assistance at the first sign that you are experiencing a spiritual, emotional, or relational problem that you aren’t sure how to get through on your own. Most disabilities have national organizations dedicated to researching treatments and supporting families. Contact them early, and become involved in your local chapter and any support groups, social outlets, or advocacy opportunities they offer.

Additionally, make sure that you are getting regular spiritual direction, and even if your family is doing well, strike up a relationship with a counselor you can trust so that if you need an answer to a quick parenting question or require a marital adjustment, you don’t have to spend weeks looking for competent help. Prior planning helps assure that help will be available right when you need it.

About the author
Dr. Gregory Popcak is the author of eight books integrating the Catholic faith and psychology. He is the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization that provides counseling and other services to couples, families, and individuals.

© The Couple to Couple League International, Inc. P.O. Box 111184, Cincinnati, OH 45211-1184. Used with permission.

Editor’s note: The Catholic Church observes October as Respect Life Month. There are many ways to promote and protect life; the above article focuses on one. For more information visit the Respect Life website.

Remarrying Well with Children

The Situation

Sam (45) and Sally (37) have been married for 2-1/2 years. It’s a second marriage for both. Sam was married at 20. He divorced at 35 and obtained an annulment. Sam has done co-parenting with his ex-wife for a number of years. Sam brings two children from his first marriage, ages 14 and 12.

Sally was widowed for three years prior to her marriage to Sam. She has a 10-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son from her first marriage. While the initial phase of dating, courtship, engagement, and early marriage went well, there is a lot of competition among the children today. Sam and Sally often feel frustrated with the behavior of their respective children. This has caused tension between the couple and resentment towards the children. They both want this marriage to work well.

A Response

Keep talking. Besides the beauty both Sam and Sally find in each other, there are many gifts and challenges that need to be acknowledged. They need to keep talking about the gift of each member to the family. They shouldn’t minimize the challenges, but always preface what is said by, “I say this because I love you.” Sam and Sally need to recognize that the challenges they face are normal and developmental. They are hurdles that all stepfamilies face. This reality: “We are going through tough times, but it’s normal,” can be consoling.

Read a lot. The Internet offers sites that provide simple, clear articles on stepfamilies. A great source is the National Stepfamily Resource Center. The local library and the State Cooperative Extension Service are useful resources. Ohio State University’s site has helpful handouts.

Take time to be a couple. Given their ages, Sam and Sally have the possibility of a 35-year marriage, of which only 10 to 15 years will be spent in active parenting. Nurturing their relationship is important, even if these “dates” are time at a diner over coffee and pie. Regularly scheduling this time as a couple also sends a message to the children. Sally and Sam can also commit to going to marriage enrichment programs offered in their parish or community. They are a married couple first and also parents.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Seeking help from a competent marriage and family therapist can be very beneficial. It is a sign of great love to suggest this help early, rather than when in the middle of a crisis. The therapist should be familiar with stepfamily issues. The local parish priest, diocesan Catholic Charities office and the National Registry for Marriage Friendly Therapists can recommend marriage and family therapists. If Sally and Sam are really struggling in their relationship, attending a Retrouvaille weekend and follow-up program would be helpful. Retrouvaille has helped stabilize many marriages. Also, Sam and Sally should talk to other parents in stepfamilies. This will help them normalize their experiences as a family.

Examine priorities. Sally and Sam might need to accept that in their children’s eyes loyalty to their parent might come before the marital relationship. While this is contrary to a couple’s belief that the marriage comes first, children need to feel that they will never be abandoned, especially after major losses. Children need to know that they will always be first in their parents’ concerns. Thus, Sally and Sam need to make sure to acknowledge the importance of their children’s loyalties, even as they nurture their own marriage. Talking this through is essential to a successful remarriage.

Remember that change takes time. Sally and Sam need to accept that in some stepfamilies the experience is like a roller coaster ride. Acknowledging that time can heal one’s hurts and also begin to create loving relationships is essential.

It takes time for a stepchild to love a new stepparent, just as it does for the stepparent to love a new stepchild. Sam and Sally should try to do things individually with each child, when the opportunity arises. This can happen when they drop a child off at band practice or go to the hardware or grocery store. A little time alone with each child goes a long way in cementing relationships. Also, each parent should accept that the missing parent (the mother of Sam’s children and Sally’s deceased husband) are very important to the children. Let them grieve their losses and support them, even though some time has elapsed after the death/divorce. The Rainbows program can be of great assistance to their children.

Trust that God is in the messiness of family life. Sally and Sam need to keep acknowledging to each other and themselves that God is present in the ordinariness of daily life. There is a real gift–grace–given to us in our sacramental marriage. Sally and Sam can pray daily for and with each other. They can recognize everyday victories (a good report card, a soccer game well played), and acknowledge unsettling challenges (an upsetting day at work, a sick child). In all this, Sally and Sam can give thanks to God for the gift of married love and family life.

About the author
Bill Urbine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a permanent deacon and Director of the Office of Family Life Ministries for the Diocese of Allentown, PA. He is past president of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM).

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

When Teens Know One Parent Will Say Yes

The Situation

We have been happily married for fifteen years and believe we have handled most of our parenting well, but now our fourteen year old daughter’s drive for independence often causes us to argue. When she wants to go to a party or to the mall with her friends, my husband and I react differently, in ways that surprise both of us.

Usually, she goes to my husband first for permission, because he is more likely to let her go and not ask for details. When I find out, I end up being the bad guy because I insist on knowing who she is meeting or calling the parents who are hosting the party. If I say she can’t go, she throws a fit, and sometimes my husband overrules me, right there in front of her, saying we need to trust her. I think he doesn’t want to see her disappointed, but then I am angry at him and worried all evening. I’m afraid my husband and I are hurting our relationship, not to mention setting a bad example for our daughter. What can we do to keep our marriage together when our daughter stresses us out?

A Response

All parents face the tough job of striking a balance between balancing privileges and safety. When one parent is more protective than the other, tends to think more vividly about the dangers that are out there, or is more prone to worry in general, a teen is likely to notice the cracks in the parental unit and drift toward the parent most likely to allow freedoms. To minimize the strong emotions and conflicts that tend to happen in the throes of decision-making, consider the steps below.

  • Set aside time to talk to your spouse about your mutual commitment to your marriage and to the job of parenting. Name the thoughts you have when your daughter makes requests (e.g., “I just want her to have fun,” “She’ll hate me if I say no” or “I just know there will be alcohol at that party”), and talk about ways to relieve that concern. Remind yourselves that your daughter and your relationship will benefit if you can present a united front about your household rules.
  • Consider your teen’s developmental level. Early adolescence is a period of insecurity for many teens. They want to be part of the group that seems to have it together and also feel fairly invincible as far as the dangers that are out there. Take time to ask what your teen is thinking, hoping and dreaming. Ask how she can participate at some level without endangering herself or causing you excessive worry (Face it: you’re always going to worry a little).
  • Decide ahead of time the basic permissions you are both comfortable with in a given scenario and promise each other that you will present decisions as a team. Let your daughter know the basic rules about parties or going out. When she surprises you with a new request, tell her, “I’ll talk with your mother/father about this and we’ll get back to you with our answer.” Then hold a private discussion with each other.
  • Work out ways to back each other up. One way to show your support for each other is to have the stricter parent go first – the one who is more likely to say “no” to a situation – and plan that the other parent will agree saying, “Your mother (or father) said, ‘no,’ and I agree.” If your daughter poses a reasonable argument, tell her you will take her statements back to the other parent for consideration. Again have a private parental discussion. If the information prompts a change of heart, allow the stricter parent to be the one to give the good news, to help balance the permission granting. Finally, agree that you will both watch for disrespectful behavior from the daughter and back each other up about that, too, e.g., “It’s not okay to talk to your father/mother that way, and here is the consequence…” Talk about hypothetical situations. This may reassure you that your teen can make good decisions in difficult situations. For example, during dinner, casually bring up scenarios you have read about in the news or heard about from friends – don’t mention names. Ask your daughter what she might do if faced such a situation. If she gives a reasonable answer, let her know you are pleased with her thinking and add any suggestions you might have. If she gives a less than satisfactory response, suggest a few things that could happen as a result and ask what she might do instead. It also can be interesting to ask your daughter what she thinks about the complete lack of rules some parents seem to have. Often, teens will admit they view overly permissive parents as not really caring about their children.
  • Building trust and character take time. Let your teen know that the more she shows herself to be trustworthy, the more trust you will give. Yes, you want her to have fun, but you also love her and thus, her safety is your top concern. Parents sometimes have tough decisions to make, but sticking by your rules, even in the face of a child’s unhappiness, is showing your love. Not bending to pressure from others when things don’t seem safe is a skill you hope she also will exercise as she ventures out in the world on her own.

Finally, if necessary, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. It is a sign of love, not weakness to seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help all family members voice their concerns, reframe the conflict as one borne in love and possibly fear, and move toward solutions that will work for everyone.

About the author
Dr. Madison is a clinical psychologist, author and director of FOCCUS, Inc. USA. She speaks internationally on topics related to children, marriage and families.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Overcoming Obstacles

Over the years a couple can expect to face many issues, both big and small. Some, such as financial, career, and parenting decisions, can be handled by honestly discussing them with each other or with friends who can provide wise advice. Others, such as infidelity or addictions, need the counsel of professionals and a tremendous amount of commitment to change. Still others, such as illness, may have to be endured patiently with the support of family and friends.

We all want to live happily ever after. Inevitably, though, we all experience bumps along the marriage road.

Some bumps come from within the marriage. We may start to think our love wasn’t real, or that we’ve fallen out of love. We may even want to give up. Most couples go through a disillusionment phase. Preventive maintenance can minimize the damage. This means taking time to nurture the relationship, and perhaps attending an enrichment program or two.

Then there are the bumps that come from outside the marriage. For some couples, that means dealing with the heartbreak of miscarriage. A growing number of couples face the challenge of caring for aging parents.

Whether the difficulties arise from inside or outside marriage, many couples can benefit from counseling. Find out when to seek counseling, how to find a counselor, and what to expect from the process.

Domestic violence is the one deal breaker. It is never part of the normal ups and downs of marriage. Safety for the victim and children must be the top priority.

For Further Reading:

Virtue of the Month

Listening to many couples reflect on their marriage, I’ve been struck by how many speak of their sense of helping each other to heaven. They instinctively grasp St. Paul’s call to “a still more excellent way” in which their married love, which is God’s power alive within them, leads them to heaven.

As Christians, we understand this call to growth as a call to a holy, or virtuous, marriage. “Virtue” may sound like an old-fashioned word, but it lies at the heart of spirituality. A virtue is a stable part of one’s character that allows a person to perform good acts and to give his or her best (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1803).

Couples, like individuals, acquire virtues through the repetition of particular practices and behaviors. They make the virtue their own by freely choosing to act in certain ways, every day. The question posed in For Your Marriage‘s past radio and TV spots, “What have you done for your marriage today?” is really an invitation to grow in virtue through a gentle word, a generous deed or an act of self-sacrifice.

No one brings all the necessary virtues into a marriage, and the virtues that spouses do bring need to be developed. So marriage is a “school for virtue,” in which spouses learn such virtues as forgiveness, kindness, and humility. It’s the work of a lifetime.

A holy marriage, one that is a communion of persons and a sign of God’s love, is made up of many virtues. In this series, we’ll look at several virtues that characterize a holy and happy marriage. Each article will consider how the virtue can be practiced in marriage and offer one or two questions for reflection. I hope that couples will be able to set aside time each month to read and prayerfully discuss these articles.

Love, of course, is the more excellent way that includes all the virtues. As a couple grows in virtue, they also grow in love. Hand in hand they walk the journey to holiness. I pray that you may persevere in this journey, knowing the love of God, the encouragement of the Church, and the support of the many couples who are walking this journey with you.

“Just” Friends by Paul Leingang

Try a Little Kindness by Dan Mulhall

Gratitude: Foundational for Marriage by Dolores R. Leckey

Patience: Key to a Lasting Marriage

Play: A Virtue to Take Seriously by Donald J. Paglia

Humility: Foundation for Marital Happiness by Tim Lanigan

Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage by Kathy Heskin

Perseverance: Love Never Ends by Mary Jo Pedersen

I Promise to be True to You by Mary Ann Paulukonis

The Courage to be Married by Tom McGrath

Grade Your Marriage

Marriage is not a test that you either pass or fail. It’s an ongoing process of learning about each other and how to accommodate differences so that both of you can feel satisfied and grow in love for each other.

Marriage is also not a competition in which one person wins at the expense of the other. If both spouses are not happy with a decision, then the marriage suffers since one person’s happiness cannot be at the expense of the other’s.

In this spirit, we invite you to assess where you are in your marriage.

  • Identify the issues that you agree on and are working smoothly for you.
  • Identify the issues that you disagree on and need to work out a compromise.
  • Identify the issues that you haven’t gotten around to talking about – but you should.

All this can add up to a blueprint for deepening your marriage and helping you reach your full marriage potential. The following categories can get you started:

On a scale of 1 – 10 rate your satisfaction with your marriage in the areas of:

1. Shared Values _____

2. Commitment to each other _____

3. Communication Skills _____

4. Conflict Resolution Skills _____

5. Intimacy/Sexuality _____

6. Spirituality/Faith _____

7. Money Management _____

8. Appreciation/Affection _____

9. Lifestyle _____

10. Recreation _____

11. Decision Making _____

12. Parenthood _____

13. Household chores / gender differences _____

14. Careers _____

15. Balancing Time_____

TOTAL: _____

Since this isn’t a test, but rather a map for you to use for further discussion, your total is not based on 100%. If your self-ratings on a specific topic are:

8-10: You are quite happy with this aspect of your marriage. This could be because you are generally an optimistic person and easy going, or you’ve been very intentional about working on your marriage.

4-7: You are sliding along in your marriage, perhaps not paying much attention to it or avoiding areas of conflict. It’s also possible that you have high expectations and are not an easy grader.

1-3: You are pretty dissatisfied with this aspect of your marriage. Check out the other areas of this website that address this topic.

Another way of assessing whether you need to pay more attention to certain areas of your marriage is by comparing answers with your spouse. If your ratings on any given topic differ by more than three points, you’ll want to discuss why.

Finally, if both you and your spouse have total scores of:

100 + Give yourself an A – but don’t get proud or complacent.

75-99 Give yourself a B – you’re in good shape and can pinpoint those areas you’ll want to discuss further.

50-74 Give yourself a C – You may have much to discuss or one of you may be more dissatisfied than the other. Check it out.

15-49 Looks like trouble. The fact that you are visiting this website and have filled out this self-assessment, however, is a good sign. You haven’t given up; you want to make your marriage better. Now get to work on it. See a counselor or attend a program offered by Retrouvaille or The Third Option for help.