Tag Archives: Married Life

The Mountains Bring the Freedom: The Theology of the Body

Karol Wojtyla regularly escaped from the Communist regime into the mountains of Poland. Once there, he and some 200 married couples kayaked, hiked, and talked. They planned no particular diplomatic intervention or militaristic coup. Instead, they discussed the mainstay of resistance to the occupying power. The mountains brought the freedom to converse about the identity of the human person and marriage.

Some thirty years later, Wojtyla, as Pope John Paul II, conversed with a worldwide audience. He gave a series of lectures not in the countryside, but in Rome, almost every Wednesday from 1979 to 1984. The occupying powers this time were secularization, materialism, and the unbridled pursuit of pleasure. His escape route was the same: he taught on the “theology of the body” to describe the identity of the human person and of marriage.

In the theology of the body, Pope John Paul shows no embarrassment for his repeated appeal to the two accounts of creation in Genesis. He admits the accounts are myth, but not in the rationalist sense of fable. They are the classical myth: more than true, they convey a truth too dense to fit in a fact. Instead, the fable is the modern approach to the human person and marriage.

False ideas abound for persons entering marriage today. The contemporary focus on acquisition and consumerism translates into: “The more I get the happier I’ll be.” The concentration on materialism and usefulness translates into “I am what I own.” The emphasis on feeling good translates into “If it feels good do it.” These ideas infect marriage and the sense of the human person. Couples begin to “run their marriages” as a business rather than a bond of love.

The Genesis picture is different. God creates the visible world through a series of commands. The commands cease on the sixth day. God pauses and ponders within himself (Gen 1:26-27). The manner of the human person’s creation is different from that of the rest of the world because the person is different, created in the image and likeness of God. Classical theology teaches that man is the image and likeness of God in the capacity to know and to love.

The second chapter of Genesis presents a mysterious interval between the creation of man and that of woman (Gen 2: 7; Gen 2:22). This interval is the basis for a series of meanings, or original experiences, about the internal identity of the human person and the relation man to woman.

The first original experience is Original Solitude. The popular notion of solitude is a calm, silent retreat at a monastery on a hill. This is not the solitude to which John Paul refers. Original Solitude is the internal, spiritual identity of the human person and the person’s search outside the self to be in relation. Through tilling the soil (Gen 2:5), naming the animals, (Gen 2:19) and the command regarding the tree (Gen 2:17) Adam realizes his identity on the basis of his body: he is a being who has the capacity for consciousness, self-knowledge through self-awareness and self-determination in and through the body.

The body reveals meaning and identity and includes the search outside himself in openness to another in relation. God says, “It is not good for man to be alone, I shall make a helper fit for him” (Gen 2:18). Of course, there is no evil in paradise, so what does “not good” mean here? “Not good” means that man’s identity is not yet complete. The helper is not a helper to till the soil or to name the animals. The helper is the helper in terms of the man’s very identity.

The second original experience, Original Unity, reveals the meaning of the human person created always as either masculine or feminine. The sleep of Adam is no ordinary nap. For Pope John Paul, the sleep precedes a great action of God, as when Abraham fell into a sleep or trance before encountering God, as did Jacob, St. Joseph, and the apostles. The sleep is Adam’s return to the moment preceding his creation. The sleep reveals that Eve is created by God alone. Yet, created from the rib, they share the same humanity.

Upon awakening, Adam speaks for the first time. All the beauty of God’s previous creation has not caused him to speak. But the beauty of woman does. He exclaims, “This, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, because she has been taken from her man” (Gen 2:23). Adam recognizes her on the basis of her body. And in naming her, he reveals something about himself. Up to now in the Genesis text he has been called the general “Adam” or “person.” Yet when he names her, “woman,” he names himself “man.” Her identity unlocks his, and his identity reveals that of her. The meaning of her identity for his own fills his consciousness, self-awareness, self-knowledge, and self-determination and vice versa.

The third original experience is Original Nakedness. The account further notes that man and woman were naked but not ashamed (Gen 2:25). The nakedness is not merely that Adam and Eve have no clothes. Nakedness is more about what they do have: they share the vision of God when God looked at all he made and said it was very good (Gen 1:31). In the nakedness they see each other with the original vision of God. They understand the meaning of the other and the body of the other in a direct, immediate, simple, full and complete manner.

The body of the other or the self may never be used as an object in a selfish manner. The other is always and only a gift. Love and life always take the form of the gift of self. The meaning of the body for life and love is a spousal meaning. The reciprocity between man and woman is inscribed with the quality of the gift of self. The gift includes from the beginning the blessing of fertility. The communion of persons in marriage in which the two become one so that they may become three – is so profound that John Paul notes the communion of persons as decisive for man as the image of God.

Marriage is the reminder that love can never be reduced to the satisfaction of my own personal need, erotic or otherwise. The spousal meaning of the body is wounded in sin, but not destroyed. Pope John Paul shows that through the human person’s own choice to doubt the gift the person “casts God from his heart” by sin. The fourth original experience, Original Shame, outlines the effects of concupiscence as the flesh wars against the spirit. Through a “fundamental disquiet” and an “interior imbalance,” fear and shame disrupt the relation of marriage. The tendency to reduce and try to dominate or possess the other begins to infiltrate the gift of self. The grace of Christ and the life of virtue both restore the human person’s fruitful response to the spousal meaning of the body.

The theology of the body reasserts the original meaning of the person as a gift fulfilled in an original way through the gift of self in marriage. Through John Paul’s words married couples and those preparing for marriage can find themselves escaping into the mountains away from acquisition to be the gift, away from materialism to spend themselves for the other, away from focus on pleasure to the beauty of the gift of self.

Additional resources:

  • Pope John Paul II, Crossing the Threshold of Hope (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1994).
  • Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body, translated by Michael Waldstein (Boston: Pauline Books and Media, 2006).

About the author
Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield, STD is the General Secretary of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

The Vocation of Marriage

When the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a Christian vocation it is saying that the couple’s relationship is more than simply their choice to enter a union which is a social and legal institution. In addition to these things, marriage involves a call from God and a response from two people who promise to build, with the help of divine grace, a lifelong, intimate and sacramental partnership of love and life. In Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis writes:

Marriage is a vocation, inasmuch as it is a response to a specific call to experience conjugal love as an imperfect sign of the love between Christ and the Church. Consequently, the decision to marry and to have a family ought to be the fruit of a process of vocational discernment (no. 72).

The Second Vatican Council teaches that “all Christians in whatever state or walk of life are called to the fullness of Christian life and to the perfection of charity” (Constitution on the Church, n. 40). The call to marriage is a particular way of living the universal call to holiness given to every Christian in the Sacrament of Baptism. The calls to priesthood or to the vowed religious life are other Christian vocations (see St. John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, no. 11). Along with marriage, all of them equally though in different ways, are a response to the Lord who says, “Follow me.”

The call to love is “the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being.” In the vocation of marriage – something which “is written in the very nature of man and woman,” we see that “the love of husband and wife becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, nos. 1603 and 1604).

A vocation is a personal call. It is offered freely and must be accepted freely. Attraction to a certain way of life or to a specific person can be a good sign of being called. Most often a person comes to recognize and accept a vocation gradually. This process, sometimes called discernment, is an opportunity for growth. It can be helped by prayer and guidance from trusted mentors, friends and family.

However, what begins as attraction must deepen into conviction and commitment. Those who are called to the married life should be ready to learn what their vocation means and to acquire the virtues and skills needed for a happy and holy marriage.

The vocation to marriage is a call to a life of holiness and service within the couple’s own relationship and in their family. As a particular way of following the Lord, this vocation also challenges a couple to live their marriage in a way that expresses God’s truth and love in the world.

Marriage As Covenant

When the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a covenant, it is using an ancient and rich biblical concept to describe how God’s steadfast and exclusive love for his people is a model for the loving union of a married couple.

The Old Testament writers trace the relationship between God and the chosen people of Israel by speaking of the covenant he offers to them through Abraham and Moses. This covenant is an invitation to enter into a relationship in which “I will be your God and you will be my people” (see Exodus 19:5ff).

A covenant is a commitment that God initiates. The Bible tells a story of Israel repeatedly straying from the demands of this covenantal relationship and God always trying to call the people back to their original commitment (see Jeremiah 22:9 and Hosea 2:4). Despite the fact that the people continually break the covenant, God still promises them a new and everlasting covenant (see Jeremiah 31).

These prophecies are fulfilled in Jesus Christ. In his life, death, and resurrection, God manifests in a definitive way his desire to draw us into a loving relationship with him and with one another. St. Paul teaches that marriage is a pre-eminent symbol (or sacrament) of the covenant which Christ has with his people. This is because marriage is a commitment by which spouses pledge to each other all aspects of their lives “until death do us part.”

But also, in daily acts of kindness, service, mutual love, and forgiveness couples are called to imitate, however imperfectly, the unconditional love which Christ offers to us. Seeing marriage as rooted in the broader covenant of love between God and humanity has led Pope John Paul II and others to say that marriage is a sacrament “from the beginning” and not merely after the coming of Christ.

The teaching of the Second Vatican Council (see Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, n. 48ff) placed special emphasis on understanding marriage as a covenant, while not ignoring that every marriage also involves contractual obligations between the spouses. Placing covenant at the heart of marriage shows that the interpersonal relationship of the couple, their unitive love, is what makes all other dimensions of marriage possible and, in some cases, bearable.

Understanding marriage as a covenant that establishes between husband and wife a “partnership of the whole life” in which they “mutually hand over and accept each other” (see Code of Canon Law, c. 1055 and c. 1057) can greatly enrich our appreciation of this special union that is: (a) sacred in the plan of God; (b) permanent, faithful and fruitful; and (c) a living symbol of God’s love for his people.

Marriage As Sacrament

When the Catholic Church teaches that marriage between two baptized persons is a sacrament, it is saying that the couple’s relationship expresses in a unique way the unbreakable bond of love between Christ and his people. Like the other six sacraments of the Church, marriage is a sign or symbol which reveals the Lord Jesus and through which his divine life and love are communicated. All seven sacraments were instituted by Christ and were entrusted to the Church to be celebrated in faith within and for the community of believers. The rituals and prayers by which a sacrament is celebrated serve to express visibly what God is doing invisibly.

In a sacramental marriage, God’s love becomes present to the spouses in their total union and also flows through them to their family and community. By their permanent, faithful and exclusive giving to each other, symbolized in sexual intercourse, the couple reveals something of God’s unconditional love. The sacrament of Christian marriage involves their entire life as they journey together through the ups and downs of marriage and become more able to give to and receive from each other. Their life becomes sacramental to the extent that the couple cooperates with God’s action in their life and sees themselves as living “in Christ” and Christ living and acting in their relationship, attitudes and actions.

Catholic teaching holds that sacraments bring grace to those who receive them with the proper disposition. Grace is a way of describing how God shares the divine life with us and gives us the help we need to live as followers of Christ. In marriage, the grace of this sacrament brings to the spouses the particular help they need to be faithful and to be good parents. It also helps a couple to serve others beyond their immediate family and to show the community that a loving and lasting marriage is both desirable and possible.

Pope Paul VI wrote: “By it [the Sacrament of Matrimony] husband and wife are strengthened and…consecrated for the faithful accomplishment of their proper duties, for the carrying out of their proper vocation even to perfection, and the Christian witness which is proper to them before the whole world” (Humanae Vitae, n. 25).

Looking for Long-Term Dividends? Try Marriage

One of the oldest axioms of married life is that two can live more cheaply than one. That may sound like stretching a point, but the facts at least support the notion that, for a variety of reasons, a married couple can stretch a dollar bill a lot farther than two people living on their own. Perhaps the axiom should be: two can live more cheaply as one.

The fact that two can live more cheaply as one is not only a good reason for so many mergers at the altar, but for so many mergers in the business world. Hard-nosed business people know that there are a lot of cost savings to be had in merging with similar businesses.

The same is true of marriage. And living in one residence rather than two is just one of the reasons. People who are married tend to save more, and they are more cautious in their spending (a young husband is a lot less likely to blow the family income on a fancy sports car if he has a budget-minded wife looking over his shoulder).

Married couples enjoy another economic benefit: specialization. When you’re married, you don’t have to “do it all.” People in marriage can specialize in doing what they do best, and let their spouses do the rest – assuming, of course, that the chores are divided fairly. And when one gets sick, the other is there to pick up the slack.

The term “economy” derives from the Greek word for household management. The toil and drudgery of managing the home itself has been relieved somewhat by modern machinery, but the need for skill in raising children, educating them, and preparing them for the challenge of having families of their own is just as compelling as it has been at any time in history. In fact, with the temptations facing children outside the home today, the need for skill in household management is perhaps greater than ever.

Family life helps the economy

Family life is good for the economy, not to mention for society. Despite the growth of big business firms, the family is still a great training ground for the kind of virtues that lead to successful careers. Family life teaches perseverance, cooperation, the ability to get along with others, and respect for authority – all virtues that are valued highly in any workplace.

Business people are gradually learning the importance of good family backgrounds. Graduate business schools try to teach ethics to their students, but have found that unless their students have developed a deep, internalized sense of ethics while growing up, they are unlikely to profit from an academic presentation of the subject.

In other words, ethical leaders are home-grown, and the values they take with them into the institutions of life are learned mostly by the advice and example of their parents and brothers and sisters.

Married men earn more

Married men are not only more ethical businessmen, they also earn more. According to The Case for Marriage, a book published in 2000, “husbands earn at least 10 percent more than single men do and perhaps as high as 40 percent more.” The authors, Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, cite another study which found that married men, age 55 to 64, earned 20 to 32 percent more than their non-married counterparts.

The earnings gap certainly seems understandable. Married men, even those whose wives work, have dependents to support, so they are more apt to search for jobs that pay well. The pay differential works both ways. Not only do men who need to make more search for jobs that pay more, but companies search for men whose need to earn more makes them more likely to stick to their jobs.

Single men have more freedom to jump from job to job in a search for the perfect career that will satisfy their need for greater meaning in their work. Married men, often the main breadwinners, find that supporting their families lends meaning to their work, and for that reason, are the more stable employees.

David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, sees the same factors at work for men and women. As he put it in an interview with USAToday, married people “work harder, they advance further in their job, they save more money, and maybe invest more wisely. That’s because, one can speculate, they are now working for something larger than themselves. They are working for a family.”

The value of a durable marriage is seen even more clearly by those who split apart. Jay Zagorsky, a Ohio State University researcher, found that couples who divorce give up more than what one might expect to be half of everything they own: they actually lose roughly 75 percent of their personal net worth. The same results were found in a 2006 report by the Rutgers project: a 73 percent drop in wealth for those who divorced and didn’t remarry – and a 75 percent drop in wealth for those who never married.

Marriage is a long-term commitment. For those who are willing to make the commitment, and stick with it, marriage is an institution that will yield long-term dividends.

The Marital Sexual Relationship

The Situation

Bob and Mary have been married nine years and have two small children, ages eight and six. Each have demanding full-time jobs and they pride themselves on being involved in their children’s school and social activities.

What initially began as a positive and rewarding sexual relationship in this committed modern couple’s marriage has slowly diminished in sexual desire and frequency. While they continue to profess to love one another, Bob complains they each are too busy and over-stressed, while Mary often says she’s too tired for sex. Bob also sees himself as taking a back seat to Mary’s involvement with their children.

While not wishing to complain, Bob thinks their marriage is in trouble. He wants to make their lack-luster marriage more satisfying. Mary can’t see a way for her to regain the old desire that was present in the earlier years – B.C. (before children).

A Response

Marriage is a call to on-going intimacy – not only sexual intimacy, but also the intentional develop of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Each dimension of Bob and Mary’s intimacy connects with the others. So, if they neglect emotional bonding or don’t pay ongoing attention to each other, all parts of the relationship suffer, including the physical expression of love.

Although sexual intimacy is pleasurable, its importance in marriage is not just to have fun; it also strengthens the couple’s bond, helping them to face the many challenges of their life together. Studies report that couples who are passionate about each other can more easily solve problems, including such things as dealing with children, extended family, and financial issues.

Sexual intimacy may have come easily in Bob and Mary’s earlier stages of marriage – a period likely laced with kissing and holding, loving words and deeds, romantic dinners, walks, and sharing of thoughts and feelings – that, later may suffer given the rigors of a growing family. In time, couples like Bob and Mary may settle for security and certainty at the cost of playfulness and passion in marriage.

Sustaining physical attraction, however, often takes a conscious decision to put time and effort into a dimension of the relationship that used to come effortlessly. It requires setting one’s spouse as the priority – before work, before cleaning, and even before kids. For Bob and Mary this may mean finding babysitters, having occasional dinners alone (without children), going on dates, and bringing to their relationship new ways of connecting.

For Mary and Bob, focusing on intimacy may require making the effort to break out of a routine and investing energy into cultivating creativity in their lovemaking. Part of what makes a relationship romantic is the excitement that comes with discovering a new person and noticing that that person cares about you. Of course, this doesn’t mean marrying a new person but rather, courting your spouse as though you are still bent on winning his or her love. Basically, it means re-tooling those very things that were a part of your earlier relationship but without the threat of rejection or loss.

One dimension of masculine/feminine sexuality worth exploring is how spouses complement each other. Just as magnets are drawn to each other from different poles, so too men and women are drawn to each other, not only because of similarities, but also for the differences.

For example, men more often show passion by pursuing and initiating lovemaking, focusing on purpose, protection and commitment; while women playfully tend to provoke and entice, focusing on vulnerability and feelings. Exaggerating these two polarities can stimulate passion. In our culture these gender energies often are judged to be too narrow.

For example, women may hesitate to appear “too feminine” for fear of being viewed as unintelligent or manipulative. Men face the possibility of coming across as insensitive. Equality and mutuality can get confused with sameness. But sameness is not very exciting. Within marriage, couples need to cultivate a healthy balance of both certainty and excitement. But therein lies the basic problem: Love seeks closeness while desire needs distance. Too much distance, however, might cause a lack of connection, while too much sameness destroys the attraction of two unique individuals. This is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

Love enjoys knowing everything about the other, while desire needs mystery. If love grows by repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on mystery, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. Desire benefits from ongoing elusiveness. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire.

In sacramental marriage the couple’s call to love and be loved shows the world a glimpse of God’s unconditional, exquisite, and passionate love for each of us. Scripture uses passionate images of married love to describe God’s unimaginable love for us all.

In Catholic marriage the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament while the priest is the official witness of the church. As ministers, it is each spouse’s task to give the other an experience of being loved. In simple language this means that one’s spouse must know he or she is loved and comes first in the other’s life. It is in making each other number one that intimacy can blossom into an ever-deepening love. The call to be lover and beloved is a deeply spiritual call. Marital partners are challenged to cultivate marital eroticism. By doing so they embody marriage’s mystical meaning, both as a source of aliveness, and a pathway to salvation.

About the authors
Don and his wife, Chris, are Co-Directors of the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Hartford, Connecticut.

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Romance On a Budget

It’s Saturday night and Jim and I have a babysitter. I suppose we should check to see what movies are showing. This is the time for our weekly date. (A few years ago we realized that unless we actually scheduled time together to nurture our relationship with the same priority that we make work appointments, it too often slipped through the cracks of our busy lives.)

But wait a minute; if we pay the babysitter, we won’t have enough money left for a movie, much less the inflated costs of popcorn and pop. Even more importantly, we remind each other that our purpose for this time together is to reconnect with each other. Staring at a screen would take the focus away from each other. Sure, sometimes there are top-notch movies that have sparked some excellent conversation afterward, but tonight, the choices were mostly horror movies, inane comedies, or low-budget sex films. Oh yes, we could watch a movie at home where the drinks are cheap, but we already had the babysitter and were anxious to get out of the house and away from the children.

Situations like the above have prompted us to explore other kinds of “dates” and I’d like to share some of our more successful ones with you. Although our budget isn’t always this tight, I’ll focus on free or inexpensive dates since most people are pretty familiar with the traditional dinner out or going to a play.

Outside Dates:

  • Go to a local park or place of nature. Bring a blanket and a snack. In greater Cincinnati, we are blessed with spots along the Ohio River. Watch the lights along the river and talk.
  • Early evening bike rides. If a bike trail is convenient, it makes riding more pleasant and less work.
  • Twilight hikes in the woods with a good flashlight or a nature guide.
  • Watch a fall high school band competition and reminisce about your own high school days.
  • Climb a tree and talk.
  • Find an empty church. Sit, explore, and pray. Light a candle for your loved ones.

Inside Dates:

  • Dress up. Go to one of the expensive downtown hotels with a nice lobby. Relax, chat, maybe have a drink and pretend that you’re registered there.
  • Go to the airport, train, or bus station. Sit where you can watch passengers arrive. Watch loved ones reunite and mysterious people go on their way. Make up stories about the passengers you see and why they’ve come to your area. Why not add a prayer especially for those who look like the purpose of their travel might be a crisis or unhappy occasion?
  • Usher at a local theater. See some great shows for the price of a flashlight and a little extra time.
  • Go window-shopping downtown or at a mall.

Most of the above activities work best when combined with an ice cream cone, frozen yogurt, or hot mulled cider.

Of course, sometimes, the lack of babysitters, money, or just too many nights out already that week, makes staying home the date of choice. To make at-home dates work with kids, we’ve tended to start them very late, after the younger children are in bed and the older ones are out. (We’ve rearranged our bedroom to have a place of escape if the older ones don’t take our hints about going out.) To stay awake we often give each other time for a nap earlier in the evening. Here are our favorites.

Stay-at-Home Dates:

  • Play Scrabble (or other board games or cards for two). This has worked best with candlelight and a special snack. Note: Be sure you are of relatively equal ability and the rules are mutually acceptable or this can backfire. Trust me, I know.
  • Late-night candlelight dinner for two.
  • Anything in front of the fireplace with popcorn or wine. (Sharing topic: Each writes down 5 to 10 favorite times we’ve had together over our marriage. Reminisce.)
  • Rent a classic, nostalgic movie like Casablanca.
  • Roll up the rug, put on some music of ’50s-’60s rock and roll (or your favorite pre-marriage dance style), and dance till you collapse.
  • Do a puzzle or finger paint together.
  • Backyard stargazing on a blanket.

So that one spouse doesn’t feel the full burden of initiating and being creative, we alternate responsibility for planning these dates. What creative dates have enlivened your marriage without breaking the bank?

Not Tonight, Honey: Dealing With Desire Discrepancy

The old stereotype describes men as frequently having sex on their mind while women are often not “in the mood.” As with most stereotypes this is an unfair generalization. But as is also true with stereotypes, it evolved because there was a kernel of truth in it. Indeed typically male sexual arousal can be compared to a microwave – instant and fast – while a woman’s is more often like an electric stove – slower and steady. But it’s not always that way.

Remember the days of your courtship when attraction was intense and it didn’t matter whether you were male or female. You felt passion for each other – or perhaps in hindsight it was romantic infatuation. Still, your physical desire to hold and kiss each other was strong. You wanted to be in each other’s company constantly, and might do ridiculously silly things like walk in the pouring rain together and not be bothered. Your love for each other was strong followed by an almost irrational desire to join your bodies too…and now you’re married.

For most couples, that physical romantic high continues for awhile into marriage. After all, much is new and exciting about your life together. Romance thrives on newness and excitement so a typical couple still finds that both desire to express their love frequently. Often there is little difference between male and female libido. And that is the natural law implanted in our genes. For the continuance of the human race, male and female need to be powerfully drawn to each other.

According to research done by Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, when we feel attracted to a person of the opposite sex, it triggers a neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine (PEA) which combines with dopamine and norepinephrine to create pleasingly positive feelings toward the other. This “love molecule” can prompt euphoria, increased energy, loss of appetite, and less need for sleep. It thus increases sexual desire and the human race continues. But this intensity is impossible to maintain. The effects of PEA start to diminish after about six months and have pretty much subsided by the second year of a relationship – just enough time to mate and procreate.

Of course human love is about more than chemicals and neurotransmitters but it does help to understand why a man and woman can feel head over heels in love with each other and later this feeling of ecstasy can lessen. The challenge is to find ways to refresh your relationship so that you can experience some of the excitement that newness brings.

But back to our stoves. While many men’s sexual drive often stays very active with little needed to arouse them to desire sexual intercourse, many women’s drive (originally aided by PEA) slows down after a couple years. The advent of a child can also turn her attention and energy away from her husband. Even though this is not unusual in marriage, it doesn’t make for a happy relationship if your arousal rhythms are not in sync.

So are husbands and wives doomed to frustration if one spouse wants to make love more frequently than the other? With love all things are possible and this is where the desire for your spouse’s happiness can make both of you happier. As with most things in marriage, it’s a matter of loving effort and compromise.

The spouse with the desire for more frequent sex (often the husband) can go out of his way to prepare a romantic environment. Light some candles, pamper her, take your time. The spouse who may not as quickly be ready for sex (often the wife) can resolve not to say “no” too quickly, knowing that given a little time and attention she may also become aroused.

The important thing to remember is that arousal discrepancy (as the experts call it) does not generally reflect a lack of love by that spouse who desires less frequency but rather based in biology. Remember too that the stereotype will never fit everyone and that it is not unusual for roles to reverse in marriage with the wife being more interested in making love than the husband.

Lovemaking is a sensitive area to discuss with your spouse, and you may fear offending or hurting your spouse’s feelings. It’s one of those topics in which you become very vulnerable to each other. Go gently, patiently, lovingly, and meet in the middle.

If Opposites Attract, How Can We Get Along?

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.” Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal. There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

  1. Appreciation – Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?
  2. Meet each other half way – like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.
  3. Become a student – Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more well-rounded person.

How To Strengthen Your Marriage After Porn Addiction

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is critical in healing the marriage damaged by cybersex or pornography use,” the Bennetts write. Although forgiveness is difficult and will take time, it is important for the spouse who used porn to ask for forgiveness and to acknowledge the pain he has caused his wife and family. He should patiently allow his wife to air her feelings as much as she needs, and he should be completely honest in discussing his addiction and answering all questions. He must accept responsibility for his actions and not shift any blame onto his spouse. “Professional help, spiritual guidance, and a program for life that shows a radical commitment to addressing this problem makes forgiveness possible,” they write.

Addressing faulty beliefs

Dr. Patrick Carnes identified four beliefs that reinforce sex addictions:

  • I am basically a bad, unworthy person;
  • No one would love me as I am;
  • My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others;
  • Sex is my most important need.

“These beliefs must be rejected, but they have to be acknowledged and confronted first, and one may need help in defeating them,” say the Bennetts.

Improving communication

Better communication will not solve every problem, but it is a great tool for addressing the emotional distance created by sex addiction and may require the guidance of a professional therapist. “The couple may have to learn new skills fostering cooperation, understanding, openness and consideration in order to replace the existing defensiveness and repression,” they write.

Intimacy

“Intimacy depends upon openness, and that implies vulnerability,” write the Bennetts. Vulnerability requires trust, but trust and self-worth are severely damaged by sex addictions. The need to rebuild intimacy goes beyond sexual intimacy: The Bennetts identify other key areas of intimacy in need of healing as emotional, recreational, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy.

Humility

Humility lays the foundation for self-knowledge, love and forgiveness. “By strengthening our prayer and spiritual life, we should grow in humility, which in turn will strengthen our ability to love and thereby our marriage,” they write.

Respect and affection

“It is necessary to discuss problems and ill feelings,” and it is a mistake to try to “get back to normal” by avoiding conflict in an effort to minimize problems. Such lack of communication only creates distance between husband and wife. Here, too, a professional marriage therapist may be helpful, the Bennetts say.

About the authors
Dr. Arthur and Laraine Bennett are authors of The Temperament God Gave You and The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse (Sophia Institute Press).