Tag Archives: Married Life

Stages of Growth in Marriage

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic. This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise. God feels very close and responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings. They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance. Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes. Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into either/or, right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God.

Additional Challenges and Stages

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

About the author
Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Studies at Loyola University in Chicago and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Annulments (Declarations of Nullity)

What is an annulment?
“Annulment” is an unfortunate word that is sometimes used to refer to a Catholic “declaration of nullity.” Actually, nothing is made null through the process. Rather, a Church tribunal (a Catholic Church court) declares that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union.

For a Catholic marriage to be valid, it is required that: (1) the spouses are free to marry; (2) they are capable of giving their consent to marry; (3) they freely exchange their consent; (4) in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another, and be open to children; (5) they intend the good of each other; and (6) their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister. Exceptions to the last requirement must be approved by Church authority.

Why does the Church require a divorced Catholic to obtain a declaration of nullity before marrying in the Church?
In fidelity to Jesus’ teaching, the Church believes that marriage is a lifelong bond (see Matt 19:1-10); therefore, unless one’s spouse has died, the Church requires the divorced Catholic to obtain a declaration of nullity before marrying someone else. The tribunal process seeks to determine if something essential was missing at the moment of consent, that is, the time of the wedding. If so, the Church can declare that a valid marriage was never actually brought about on the wedding day.

What does the tribunal process involve?
Several steps are involved. The person who is asking for the declaration of nullity – the petitioner – submits written testimony about the marriage and a list of persons who are familiar with the marriage. These people must be willing to answer questions about the spouses and the marriage. If the other spouse did not co-sign the petition, the tribunal will contact that spouse – the respondent – who has a right to be involved. In some cases the respondent does not wish to become involved; the case can still move forward.

Based upon the information that was submitted, a tribunal official will determine the process that is to be followed. Regardless of the selected process, both the petitioner and the respondent will be able to read the testimony submitted, except that protected by civil law (for example, counseling records). Each party may also appoint a Church advocate to represent him or her before the tribunal. A representative for the Church, called the defender of the bond, will argue for the validity of the marriage.

If the tribunal decides in favor of the nullity of the marriage, the parties are then free to marry in the Catholic Church, unless an appeal of the decision is lodged or the decision includes a prohibition against one or both of the parties marrying until certain underlying issues have been resolved (see Code of Canon Law, 1682.1).

How long does the process take?
The length will depend upon the type of process that is followed, e.g., the ordinary judicial process, the process before the bishop, a documentary process, or a process before a Roman court. Your diocesan tribunal will be able to give you a more exact estimate based upon your case.

How can a couple married for many years present a case?
The tribunal process examines the events leading up to, and at the time of, the wedding ceremony, in an effort to determine whether what was required for a valid marriage was ever brought about. The length of common life is not proof of validity but a long marriage does provide evidence that a couple had some capacity for a life-long commitment. It does not prove or disprove the existence of a valid marriage bond.

If a marriage is declared null, does it mean that the marriage never existed?
No. It means that a marriage that was thought to be valid civilly and canonically was in fact not valid according to Church law. A declaration of nullity does not deny that a relationship existed. It simply states that the relationship was missing something that the Church requires for a valid marriage.

If a declaration of nullity is granted, are the children considered illegitimate?
No. A declaration of nullity has no effect on the legitimacy of children who were born of the union following the wedding day, since the child’s mother and father were presumed to be married at the time that the child was born. Parental obligations remain after a marriage may be declared null.

I do not plan to re-marry. Why should I present a marriage case?
Some people find that simply writing out their testimony helps them to understand what went wrong and why. They gain insights into themselves. Others say that the process allowed them to tell their whole story for the first time to someone who was willing to listen. A person cannot know today if they might want to marry in the future when crucial witnesses may be deceased or their own memories may have dimmed.

Why does the Catholic Church require an intended spouse, who is divorced but not Catholic, to obtain a declaration of nullity before marrying in the Catholic Church?
The Catholic Church respects the marriages of non-Catholics and presumes that they are valid. Thus, for example, it considers the marriages of two Protestant, Jewish, or even nonbelieving persons to be binding for life. Marriages between baptized persons, moreover, are considered to be sacramental. The Church requires a declaration of nullity in order to establish that an essential element was missing in that previous union that prevented it from being a valid marriage, and thus the intended spouse is free to marry.

This is often a difficult and emotional issue. If the intended spouse comes from a faith tradition that accepts divorce and remarriage, it may be hard to understand why he/she must go through the Catholic tribunal process. Couples in this situation may find it helpful to talk with a priest or deacon. To go through the process can be a sign of great love of the non-Catholic for the intended spouse.

My fiancé/e and I want to marry in the Catholic Church. He/she has been married before and has applied for a declaration of nullity. When can we set a date for our wedding?
You should not set a date until the tribunal’s decision has been finalized. First, the petition may not be granted. Second, even if the petition is eventually granted, there may be unexpected delays in the process, e.g., if your fiancé/e’s spouse wishes to appeal the tribunal’s decision.

How much does it cost?
Pope Francis has asked dioceses whenever possible to provide their tribunal services free of charge. Depending upon how much your diocese is able to subsidize the work of its tribunal, you may be asked to pay a nominal fee. You may also be asked to make a donation following the completion of your case. Fees are typically payable over time, and may be reduced or even waived in cases of financial difficulty. Other expenses may be incurred when consultation with medical, psychological, or other experts is needed, or if you obtain the services of a private canon lawyer to represent you.

How do I start the process?
Your parish can provide the information and forms that you need to get started.

For more information:

Prayers and Blessings

Prayer is the glue that holds a marriage and a family together. Prayer comes in many forms, including recited prayers, such as the Hail Mary; spontaneous prayer, as a husband and wife might say before bedtime; praying with Scripture; and that perfect prayer–the Mass.

The book, Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers, is an excellent resource for your marriage as you explore the Catholic tradition of prayer. Here are some excerpts:

Blessing of an Engaged Couple

The betrothal of a Christian couple is a special occasion for their families, who should celebrate it together with prayer and a special rite. In this way, they ask God’s blessing that the happiness promised by the engagement will be brought to fulfillment. When the engagement is celebrated within the circle of the two families, one of the parents should preside.

When the families have gathered, all make the sign of the cross.

The leader greets those present in the following words:

Brothers and sisters, let us praise our Lord Jesus Christ, who loved us and gave himself for us. Let us bless him now and forever.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

In the following or similar words, the leader prepares those present for the blessing.

We know that all of us need God’s blessing at all times; but at the time of their engagement to be married, Christians are in particular need of grace as they prepare themselves to form a new family.

Let us pray, then, for God’s blessing to come upon this couple: that as they await the day of their wedding, they will grow in mutual respect and in their love for one another; that through their companionship and prayer together they will prepare themselves rightly and chastely for marriage.

One of those present or the leader reads a text of sacred Scripture.

Listen to the words of the First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians: 13:4-13

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Or John 15:9-12: This is my commandment: love one another as I have loved you.

Reader: The Word of the Lord.

R/. Thanks be to God.

The intercessions are then said.

Leader: God our Father has so loved us that in Christ he makes us his children and the witnesses of his love before the entire world. Let us, therefore, call upon him in all confidence, saying:

R/. Lord, help us to remain always in your love.

God our Father, you willed that your true children, brothers and sisters in Christ, should be known by their love for one another. R/.

You place upon us the sweet demands of love so that we may find happiness by responding to them. R/.

You call N. and N. to the communion of life and love that binds the Christian family together, mind and heart. R/.

The engaged couple may exchange rings or some other gift that signifies their pledge to each other.

One of the parents may bless these gifts:

N. and N., in due course may you honor the sacred pledge symbolized by these gifts which you now exchange.

R/. Amen.

The leader says the prayer of blessing with hands joined.

We praise you, Lord, for your gentle plan draws together your children, N. and N., in love for one another. Strengthen their hearts, so that they will keep faith with each other, please you in all things, and so come to the happiness of celebrating the sacrament of their marriage. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

The leader concludes the rite by signing himself or herself with the sign of the cross and saying:

May the God of love and peace abide in you, guide your steps, and confirm your hearts in his love, now and forever.

R/. Amen.

The blessing may conclude with a suitable song.

Prayer of a Future Husband

Adapted from Tobit 8:5-7

Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors, and blessed too is your name forever. Let the heavens bless you forevermore and all the things you have made. It was you who created Adam, you who created Eve his wife to be his help and support; and from these two the human race was born. It was you who said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a partner like himself.”

I take N. in sincerity of heart. Have mercy on her and on me and allow us to live together to a happy old age.

Prayer of a Future Wife

Adapted from Psalm 16

Keep me, O God, for in you I take refuge; I say to the Lord, “My God are you. Apart from you, I have no good.” I bless the Lord who counsels me; even in the night, my heart exhorts me. I set the Lord ever before me; with him at my right hand, I shall not be disturbed. Therefore my heart is glad and my soul rejoices, my body abides in confidence.

You, O Lord, will show me the path to life, the fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever.

Blessing of a Son or Daughter Before Marriage

In the days immediately before the wedding, the family may gather around its member who is to be married, perhaps at a special meal in the family’s home.

All make the sign of the cross. A parent begins:

Let us bless the Lord, by whose goodness we live and by whose grace we love one another. Blessed be God forever.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

Then the Scripture is read:

Listen to the words of the Book of Deuteronomy: 6:4-7

Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone! Therefore, you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. Take to heart these words which I enjoin on you today. Drill them into your children. Speak of them at home and abroad, whether you are busy or at rest.

Reader: The Word of the Lord.

R/. Thanks be to God.

The parents may give a Bible or crucifix to the one who is to be married. Then all join in prayers of intercession for the couple to be married and for the world. After the Lord’s Prayer, the parents and other family members place their hands on the head of their son or daughter as one or both parents speak the blessing.

May the Lord, who gave you into our care and made you a joy to our home, bless you and keep you.

R/. Amen.

May the Lord, who turns the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of children to their parents, smile on you and be kind to you.

R/. Amen.

May the Lord, who delights in our love for one another, turn toward you and give you peace.

R/. Amen.

All make the sign of the cross as the leader concludes:

May the God of love and peace abide in you, guide your steps, and confirm your heart in his love, now and forever.

R/. Amen.

Table Blessing for Weddings

This blessing may be used before the meal at a wedding reception. A member of the wedding party or one of the parents of the newly married couple may serve as the leader.

When everyone has gathered at the table and the meal is ready to be served, all make the sign of the cross.

Leader: Blessed be God who has brought us together in joy.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

The leader introduces the blessing in these or similar words:

We have gathered here to celebrate the love of N. and N. God has brought them together, and we pray that God will hold them in his love always. As the food we share will strengthen our bodies, may our time together strengthen the love that binds us.

After a time of silence, the leader prays:

Let us pray. Lord God, you sustain all creatures and never cease to give your children the food they need. We bless you for bringing us together in the love that unites us around this table where the food we take strengthens our bodies. We pray that, nourished by your Word, we may grow ever stronger in faith as we strive for the coming of your Kingdom. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

Blessing on Anniversaries #1

When the household and friends have gathered, all make the sign of the cross.

The leader greets those present in the following words:

Blessed be the God of all consolation, who has shown us his great mercy. Blessed be God now and forever.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

In the following or similar words, the leader prepares those present for the blessing.

We have come together to celebrate the anniversary of the marriage of our brother and sister. As we join them in their joy, we join them also in their gratitude. God has set them among us as a sign of his love and through the years they have remained faithful (and have fulfilled their responsibilities as parents). Let us give thanks for all the favors N. and N. have received during their married life. May God keep them in their love for each other, so that they may be more and more of one mind and one heart.

One of those present or the leader reads a text of sacred Scripture.

Listen to the words of the First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians 1:4-9

I give thanks to my God always on your account for the grace of God bestowed on you in Christ Jesus, that in him you were enriched in every way, with all discourse and all knowledge, as the testimony to Christ was confirmed among you so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift as you wait for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ. He will keep you firm to the end, irreproachable on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, and by him, you were called to fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Reader: The Word of the Lord.

R/. Thanks be to God.

The intercessions are then said.

Leader: In the tender plan of his providence, God our almighty Father has given married love, its faithfulness, (and its fruitfulness,) a special significance in the history of salvation. Let us, therefore, call upon him, saying:

R/. Lord, hear our prayer.

Father all-holy, you have made marriage the great symbol of Christ’s love for his Church; bestow on these your servants the fullness of your own love. For this, we pray: R/.

Father all-holy, the faithful one, you ask for and respond to fidelity to your covenant; fill with your blessings your servants who are celebrating their wedding anniversary. For this, we pray: R/.

It is your will that all married life should be a lesson in Christian living; grant that all husbands and wives may be witnesses to the wonders of your Son’s love. For this, we pray: R/.

The leader says the prayer of blessing with hands joined.

Lord God and Creator, we bless and praise your name. In the beginning, you made man and woman, so that they might enter a communion of life and love. You likewise blessed the union of N. and N., so that they might reflect the union of Christ with his Church: look with kindness on them today. Amid the joys and struggles of their life you have preserved the union between them; renew their marriage covenant, increase your love in them, and strengthen their bond of peace, so that (surrounded by their children) they may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

Blessing on Anniversaries #2

Almighty and eternal God, you have so exalted the unbreakable bond of marriage that it has become the sacramental sign of your Son’s union with the Church as his spouse. Look with favor on N. and N., whom you have united in marriage, as they ask for your help and the protection of the Virgin Mary. They pray that in good times and in bad they will grow in love for each other; that they will resolve to be of one heart in the bond of peace.

Lord, in their struggles, let them rejoice that you are near to help them; in their needs let them know that you are there to rescue them; in their joys let them see that you are the source and completion of every happiness. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

The leader concludes the rite by signing himself or herself with the sign of the cross and saying:

May the God of hope fill us with every joy in believing. May the peace of Christ abound in our hearts. May the Holy Spirit enrich us with his gifts, Now and forever.

R/. Amen.

Excerpts from Blessings and Prayers for Home and Family (c) Concacan, Inc, 2004. Used and adapted by permission of the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Excerpts from the English translations of Book of Blessings (c) 1988, International Committee on English in the Liturgy, Inc. (ICEL). All rights reserved.

Bring prayer into your marriage! Use Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers to:

  • Learn the “by-hearts”-the prayers that every Catholic needs to know by memory
  • Practice the simple form of the Liturgy of the Hours as a family
  • Celebrate the feasts and seasons of the Church year in ritual and prayer
  • Bless the Advent wreath, Christmas crèche, and Easter foods
  • Lead grace before and after meals
  • Pray for family members
  • Bless the home before a move and in times of trouble

Additional Resources:

Marital Spirituality

“Spirituality” is a way to live out one’s religious beliefs. A spirituality of marriage, therefore, is a way to help husbands and wives live out the vocation of marriage in light of faith. Catholic marriage has a distinctive spirituality that is sacramental, communitarian, and missionary.

Marriage is sacramental because it is a sign of Christ’s unbreakable love for his people. It is communitarian because it creates and deepens a permanent partnership of life and love. It is missionary because in Catholic marriage couples are called to share with others the good news of their relationship in Christ. A spirituality of marriage helps couples shape their attitude toward life, and provides a framework for living one’s marriage in the light of faith.

In the Catholic tradition, a “sacrament” is a concrete expression of Christ in the world. The Eucharist, for example, is a sacrament. Within the Eucharistic liturgy, through the words and actions of the priest, the physical signs of bread and wine become Christ really present. Likewise, the Church believes that marriage is a sacrament. In marriage, the couple’s life, love, and witness can make Christ visible to others. All sacramentally married couples are invited to reveal Christ’s loving presence and generous action in the world.

Just as God is a Trinity of persons–a community–marriage also is communitarian. Gaudium et Spes, a document of the Second Vatican Council, states that couples form a permanent, life-giving community. We’ve already described this relationship as sacramental, a sign of Christ’s love in the world. Sacramental couples live as communities that reveal God’s blessings, reach out to heal the brokenness of the family and the world, and share their gifts with those around them.

Couples live as communities when they experience the blessings that come from making a total commitment to another person. Making permanent commitments is becoming rare; sacramental couples demonstrate that it is possible. Another blessing of marriage is children. A couple’s willingness to be open to the gift of children, and to demonstrate the generosity and sacrifice necessary to raise them according to Gospel values is a real blessing.

Couples also live as communities when they recognize and heal the brokenness in their individual lives and in their life together. Brokenness is a part of everyone’s life; a spouse is in a unique position to heal the pain that inevitably arises in relationship. Couples create sacramental communities when they build a life of sharing – with each other, with their families, with local communities, with the church. As couples grow in their love for each other, their communities of life and love enrich the larger communities in their lives.

Finally, sacramental marriages are missionary. Part of the joy of a faith-filled marriage is showing others what it means to be in a loving, Christ-centered relationship, and making known to others the gift of faithful married life and love. Couples have the potential to show others what it means to embody the life of the Holy Spirit within them. Married couples, while never perfect, are missionary through the witness of their lives and love in the midst of the world. They are characterized by openness to the life of the Spirit within them, by loving service to their neighbors, and by sharing their talents and blessings with and for the local and global communities. As missionaries, married couples can witness Gospel values in their daily lives.

A spirituality of marriage shows how couples reveal Christ, build community, and reach out to others in love. It is a powerful way to describe how Catholic couples live out their vocation of married life.

About the author
Joann Heaney-Hunter, Ph.D. is an associate professor of Theology at St. John’s University (NY).

Marital Sexuality

The Catholic Church, in its official teaching, has always taken a positive view of sexuality in marriage. Marital intercourse, says the Catechism of the Catholic Church, is “noble and honorable,” established by God so that “spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit.” (#2362).

The Church’s positive understanding of sexuality is rooted in the teachings of Jesus that were, in part, drawn from the wisdom of the Old Testament. Both the Book of Genesis and the Song of Songs describe the basic goodness of sexual love in marriage. In the New Testament, Jesus began his public ministry with his supportive presence at the wedding feast of Cana, a further indication of the goodness of marriage.

Marital sexuality achieves two purposes. The Church affirms, first, its role in creating new human life, sometimes called the procreative dimension of sexuality. In giving birth to children and educating them, the couple cooperates with the Creator’s love.

Second, sexual union expresses and deepens the love between husband and wife. This is called the unitive, or relational, aspect of sexuality.

The bond between the procreative and the relational aspects cannot be broken. Each sexual act in a marriage must be open to the possibility of conceiving a child. Contraception is wrong because it separates the act of conception from sexual union. (See Married Love and the Gift of Life for more on this topic.)

Recent church teaching has tried to integrate the two purposes of marriage into a single perspective, which sees marital sexual love as essentially procreative. Marital love is by its nature fruitful; it generates new life. The God-created expression of marital love, joined to an openness to new life, contributes to the holiness of the couple. The “call to holiness in marriage is a lifelong process of conversion and growth.” (Catholic Catechism for Adults, p. 408)

Like all the baptized, married couples are called to chastity. The Church defines chastity as “the successful integration of sexuality within the person.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2337). Married couples practice the conjugal chastity that is proper to their state in life.

The late Pope John Paul II wanted to find a new and compelling way to express this positive view of sexuality. He developed a strand of thinking about sexuality and its role in human life called “The Theology of the Body.”

The Pope begins with the idea that each human being is willed for his or her own sake. Out of love God created human beings as male and female, persons of dignity and worthy of respect. Also out of love, God established marriage as the first communion of persons. In marriage, man and woman totally give themselves to each other, and in this self-giving they discover who they are.

The sin of Adam and Eve ruptured this original unity of body and soul. Sadly, we know the results: too often women and men have become objects to be used and exploited. The salvation won for us by Jesus Christ began the process of restoring the lost unity of body and soul. This process is partly completed here; full unity will be restored in the next life.

The Church teaches that human sexuality is sacred. Within marriage, it fulfills its purpose as an expression of deep, faithful and exclusive love that is open to new life. Marital sexual relations involve profound openness and receptivity, a complete and mutual self-giving. Sexuality is an important part of that incredibly rich and mysterious pattern in Creation that comes directly from the mind and heart of God.

Sex and Intimacy

Why do men and women get married? Such a simple question deserves a profoundly simple answer – because they want to share their lives with a spouse in a very intimate way. As humans we yearn to be close to another, to be fully known, yet despite this, to be unconditionally loved.

“Intimacy” includes physical closeness and to many this quickly gets translated to meaning a sexual relationship. Of course married love includes sex, as it should, but long married couples will often relate that the sexual part of their relationship is only one of many ways they are intimate with each other.

Other forms of intimacy are emotional, intellectual, heart- to- heart conversations, working together at common goals, and spiritual intimacy. True marital intimacy usually involves being honest with your spouse and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Because you know your spouse well and trust him/her not to hurt you, you are willing to give yourself completely and risk the unknown.

In emotional intimacy a couple shares their joys, fears, frustrations, sorrows and, yes, anger with each other. This doesn’t mean that spouses yell and scream at each other- or, worse, hit each other- but it does mean that hard feelings can be shared, too. The challenge is to find ways to do this respectfully. It can be scary at times to let down one’s emotional guard, but when trust is developed over time, it feels safe. Emotional intimacy is one of the strongest bonders in a marriage. It is violated when a spouse shares intimate thoughts and feelings with a friend, co- worker, or on- line. This can feel like betrayal even though it doesn’t involve sexual infidelity.

Intellectual intimacy comes when spouses share a vibrant life of the mind with each other. It may be discussing a book, movie, or play, dissecting all the nuances of the plot and symbolism. It might be the high of attending a concert together that stirred your souls. It might be knowing that you share similar opinions on social, political, or religious issues. It’s not a matter of equivalent education, but rather equivalent thirst for knowledge that feeds your common spirit.

Heart- to- heart conversations might be the way that you develop emotional or intellectual intimacy, but sometimes the conversations might not be about anything that momentous. It might just be sharing the stuff of everyday life. What concerns are you carrying about your child? Is there a decision to make about a job or a move? Is there a joke that you know your spouse will understand even though it’s not laugh out loud funny?

Sometimes deep intimacy can come without words. It may be a knowing glance as you drive along the highway, and you appreciate the view together, or a long consoling hug when a tragedy strikes your family. It can also be the feeling of satisfaction when doing yard work, household repairs, or working on a social cause together.

Spiritual intimacy should not be dismissed as too esoteric or something just for “holy people.” Prayer is a personal encounter with God. Letting your spouse peek into a sliver of that relationship by saying heartfelt prayers of petition or thanks together is the beginning of becoming soul- mates. See, Who Me, Pray?…With Her for ideas.

And of course, there is sexual intimacy. This physical intimacy is so special and profound because it lays bare our bodies in their beauty and imperfection for the pleasure of our spouse. Such a private moment. Such a momentous act of total self-giving and trust that we don’t share with anyone else. It celebrates our joy and stirs us out of apathy. The possibility of new life being born from this loving act is a miracle almost beyond comprehension.

Being human, we are not perfect. At times we’ll fall short of the ideal of never hurting our spouse. There may be times when trust between spouses is broken. At times like this a couple must reach deeply into their reserve of love, change what needs to be changed, and ask forgiveness. That too, is an intimate act.

For Further Reading:

Recreation

The Situation

If there is a rock wall to climb nearby, Bob will be there. Any snow-covered slope is a potential cross country ski run. Bike rides and a gym workout are his way to have fun. Christine, on the other hand, loves to use her free time to snuggle up with a good book or lie on the couch watching a movie. The word sweat is not in her vocabulary.

When they were dating Christine went along willingly with Bob on his adventures. The novelty of swimming by moonlight and sleeping in tents drew her to his sense of adventure and love of the outdoors. Bob enjoyed quiet nights of watching movies with Christine as a perfect way to have quality time with her.

Then they were married. Within the first year her schooling and part-time work and his demanding job made free time for recreation increasingly difficult. On weekends, she would curl up with a book and he would go to the gym.

By the second year of marriage, they were spending much of their leisure time apart. Bob was riding with a bicycling club and was on a regular basketball team. Christine joined a book club at their church and went to chick flicks with girlfriends. They had begun to lead separate recreational lives and had very little time to spend alone together having fun. Fun had moved out of the house and into separate little cubicles occupied with same sex friends.

One night during a heated disagreement, Christine angrily accused Bob of “not being very much fun anymore.” He made a counter-accusation saying all she wanted to do was “sit around” and he didn’t think that was much fun at all.

A Response

It is not unusual for couples to have differing interests and tastes in recreation – or in any other area of life for that matter. It’s true that opposites attract and what might have seemed exciting about a partner’s habits during courtship often feels frustrating after marriage. Having different interests has the advantage of putting variety in a relationship and keeping things from getting stale.

Like every couple who has promised to love and honor one another, Christine and Bob have the opportunity to bring their differences to the table and to create a common life together combining strengths and interests to form an “us.” Such a partnership is a great enterprise, but not an easy one. A strong marriage requires both spouses to develop new ways of doing things while maintaining their own unique individuality. Couples can begin by doing what every successful partnership has done.

Build on strengths

Bob and Christine can begin by affirming each other. That means a word of encouragement or congratulations when a game is won or a book completed. It means asking about the movie’s theme or the game’s strategy allowing the other to share his or her excitement and interest. It’s easy to resent the play time of our partner when we are not involved, but resentment will only poison the partnership and distance the spouses from each other. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Name the problem

Effective partnerships face problems head on. Couples need to recognize and name the tension that is brewing. Issues that silently cause couples to drift apart lead to alienation and divorce. It’s an elephant in the room. Naming it gives Christine and Bob the power to change the situation. Discussing how to solve the problem begins with each partner showing a desire to share fun activities and to make compromises. It’s most effective to name the problem without accusations and to honestly talking about feelings and hopes for the future. If each spouse knows that the other is willing to sacrifice for the common good, it’s easier to find a workable compromise.

Plan for solutions

Like any strong partnership, a couple’s relationship has to have a plan for change. Bob and Christine need to make a plan to find new ways of deepening their friendship by having fun together. Compromise and negotiation are the rules for planning. Perhaps that means going to a hockey game one weekend and a movie the next. Or, when finances are limited, options might include playing cards or electronic games at home together or with another couple. Both spouses will have to give up some individual time in order to have joint recreational time.

Evaluate and start again

Partnership solutions are often found by trial and error. If one thing doesn’t work, smart partners try another. Because marriage is a covenant, there is no walking away from problems. Sources of help include advice from other couples, a book by marriage experts, or a marriage counseling.

Relaxation and play time strengthen friendship and contribute to marital bonding. In the vocation of Christian marriage husband, wife, and God are meant to share a holy unity – a “partnership of love and life.” That partnership includes the couple and God who is present within the challenges and joys of everyday life. In addressing their differences, Bob and Christine are bound to practice forgiveness, self-sacrifice, humility, and willingness to compromise for love. Doing that will make them better partners for each other and with God.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage, Loyola Press, 2008.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

For Further Reading:

Pets and Marriage

The young couple wandered into the local pet store, where an animal rescue organization was sponsoring adoptions. The eager volunteer approached and asked if they were looking for a cat. The woman chuckled. “He wants a cat,” she said, “and I want a dog.”

The volunteer knew better than to get in the middle of that. In fact, theirs was a common dilemma, which many couples resolve by adopting one–or more–of each.

Pets can be an important part of life and, consequently, of marriage. In fact, a study from the University of Buffalo claims that couples who own a cat or dog have closer relationships, are more satisfied in marriage and respond better to stress than couples who do not. Another study found that petting an animal, or even just watching fish in an aquarium, resulted in lowered blood pressure.

Pets can help to reduce stress between spouses, especially when they are going through a difficult time. A pet’s companionship and affection creates a calming effect in a marriage. Plus, the pet can be a source of entertainment and increased fun in the home.

Pet ownership can also cause marital discord. In one poll, 60% of married couples said that pets had created problems in their marriages.

Fortunately, potential problems can often be avoided or minimized if they are acknowledged and addressed up front. Here are a few tips for bringing furry friends into a marriage:

  • “Can we get a dog–please??” If one spouse is absolutely opposed to a pet, it’s probably not a good idea, nor is it fair to the animal, to push the issue. In many cases, however, a spouse is ambivalent. Perhaps he/she has never had a pet and has certain stereotypes in mind: Cats are sneaky; dogs are vicious. If the spouse can keep an open mind, the pet will often endear itself to the skeptic.
  • “It’s your turn to walk Fido” (at 6:00 a.m.). Anyone who has cleaned up hairballs or scooped out a litter box knows that pets come with a downside. Just as spouses divvy up household chores, they also need to discuss responsibility for pet-related tasks. And if you’re the one who promised to take care of the pet (see #1 above) be prepared to keep your promise.
  • At least Fluffy doesn’t need a college fund. Pet care can be a major item in a couple’s budget. Expenses include food, vet bills, cat litter, grooming supplies, toys and travel crates. As animal health care has become more advanced, and more costly, many people are buying pet health insurance . Couples need to decide if their budget can accommodate the expense of a pet.
  • “It’s me or the cat.” What’s cozier than a furry feline stretched out next to you on a cold winter’s night? Nothing–unless that sleeping cat is literally coming between you and your spouse. Not all spouses want to share their bed with a four-legged creature. People can feel strongly about this issue, so it needs to be discussed before allowing a pet in the bedroom.
  • “He pays more attention to the dog than to me!” Even if said half in jest, that’s not a good sign in a marriage. Pets demand time and attention. It’s easy for one spouse to feel neglected or jealous when the other spends time with the pet.

Pets can be a blessing at one stage of the marital journey and a burden at another. Pet ownership may constrain the young couple who wants the freedom to travel at a moment’s notice. When they become more settled, a pet can make a wonderful addition to the family. An older couple who no longer feels up to caring for pets may decide not to replace them when they die. On the other hand, when the adult child who is allergic to animals moves out, the couple can finally adopt the dog or cat they always wanted.

Do pets belong in a marriage? Certainly the 141 million owned cats and dogs in the U.S. would say so. Just make sure that you and your spouse agree on the ground rules before making the commitment to pet ownership.

About the author
Sheila and her husband share their home with resident cat Dolly Madison and a varying number of fosters.

Infertility

In the book of Genesis, we find God’s first commandment to humankind: “Be fruitful and multiply. . .” (Genesis 1:28) It appears that God infused this commandment to procreate into the fiber of our beings. It seems to be written in our hearts, dreamed of in our minds, ached for in our bodies, and yearned for in our spirits. Thus, when a couple is unable to have children, it causes great pain emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually. The feelings of emptiness and loss are overwhelming. The search for reasons and remedies becomes a relentless passion. Doctors, procedures, the time, the cost, the hope, and the hurt are constant companions on the lonely road walked by couples searching for the destination of parenthood.

Statistics tell us that couples do not walk this road alone. According to the United States Centers for Disease Control (2015), one out of every five couples in America suffers from infertility problems. This means in the United States, 7.3 million women and their partners, of childbearing years, are infertile. Infertility affects the male or female reproductive system with almost equal frequency. Infertility affects people from every racial, ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic level.

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within one year of trying, or not being able to carry a child to live birth. Infertility may occur in a couple’s first attempts to bring a child into the world, or as secondary infertility when they have successfully given birth before, but are not able to do so again. Women who are able to get pregnant, but have miscarriages, are also said to be infertile.

Keep in mind that there are as many roads to resolving infertility as there are infertile couples to travel them. The array of options and medical interventions for a couple facing fertility challenges can be confusing and hazardous. Each route brings many ethical, moral, spiritual, emotional, and physical ramifications. It is important to plan carefully to avoid potholes and ensure a safe trip.

Start By Becoming Informed

Learning basic infertility information can put you on the road to further discovery. Contact a Natural Family Planning specialist in your area who can help you identify the optimum time for conception. Familiarize yourself with infertility treatment options. Couples who learn about various diagnostic tests, procedures, and medications are better able to make informed decisions.

Get In Touch With Your Emotions

It is important to realize that infertility is more than just a physical condition. It also involves many emotional issues such as intense feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration, helplessness, loneliness, grief, envy, and even depression. All these emotions can be debilitating if you don’t face them and work to counteract them. You may want to seek support from a professional counselor. Through counseling, you can clarify your priorities, improve your self-concept, and your coping skills.

Stay Connected To Your Spouse

Coping with the uncertainties of infertility, the roller coaster of emotions, the multitude of medical decisions, and moral concerns is challenging even for the strongest marriages. Infertility often causes lifestyle changes, reordering of priorities, financial problems, intimacy issues, physical discomfort, career disruption, problems with relatives, and isolation from friends. Since the stress of infertility can place a strain on your relationship, look for ways to nurture your marriage and make your spouse your top priority.

Maintain Your Social Life

Certain events in everyday life may become difficult. The birth of a friend’s baby or even seeing a pregnant stranger can bring on a flood of painful feelings. Holidays often seem to focus on children, and Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be difficult. Social functions like baby showers or children’s birthday parties are hard to attend. Many people struggling with infertility problems find it hard to attend religious services, especially ones where there will be baptisms.

Many infertile couples try to navigate the twists and turns on the journey to parenthood without support. Seek out an infertility support group to avoid isolation. Since the number of people with infertility problems is high, you may be amazed at the support that is available.

Prepare a Response To Insensitive Comments

Those who struggle with infertility truly suffer greater physical, emotional, marital, and spiritual pain than most people can imagine. Many parents of adult married children do not realize the pain caused by their questions and prods to conceive grandchildren. Insensitive comments by family, friends, and strangers can inflict deep wounds. Prepare a well-rehearsed response. You could take the direct approach and say, “We want children, but are having trouble. We are seeing a specialist and ask for your prayers. We prefer not to talk about it.”

Make Important Decisions and Create A Plan

Construct an overall plan so you know where you are and where you’re headed. Start with the fact that you want to be parents. Then ask what you are willing to do to make it happen. Make decisions that take into consideration your moral principles, family building objectives, money, age, and need for control. Find a doctor who agrees with your plan and can help. Be assertive in stating what you want and do not want to do. You have the right to make your own decisions about treatment.

Begin by an honest acknowledgment of your feelings and the medical realities. You and your spouse are different people. You will have different styles, feelings, attitudes, and desires. Sharing your perspectives will help you decide which paths to take. Sharing the turmoil of infertility will deepen your commitment to each other, whether you eventually give birth to a child, raise a foster child, adopt a child, or don’t raise a child and spend time serving the broader community.

Answer these questions to help you make your plan:

  • What are you both willing to sacrifice to become parents?
  • Do you know the teaching of your faith tradition on this issue?
  • Do you want to respect the dignity of marriage and human life?
  • How much physical and emotional trauma are you willing to endure?
  • What tests do you want to have?
  • How will you do the tests?
  • What treatments will you explore?
  • How many times will you repeat them?
  • How much money will you spend?
  • What doctor or clinic should you select?
  • Will you put your life on hold as you focus on infertility treatments?
  • When will you decide to quit trying?
  • Is your main goal to be a biological parent or is it to have a child join your family?
  • Are you going to focus on conception exclusively, or will you also pursue family-building through adoption?
  • Would you adopt a baby, an older child or a child with special needs?
  • Are you willing to be a family without children?

Respect For The Sacredness of Life and Marriage

Couples dealing with infertility are often led step by step down a path that may possibly create life. However, many assisted reproduction technologies also cause the destruction of human life. This fact is seldom explained to a couple before the various procedures begin.

Marital stress from the mood swings caused by some fertility drugs can tear apart a marriage that is already stressed from the anxieties of infertility. The tension between spouses and fear of blame, if infertility can be traced clearly to one partner, can be devastating for a couple. Medical practices that undermine the biological, psychological, and moral bonds of marriage, or have the potential to destroy life, need to be avoided.

Use Caution

Couples are sometimes lured to assisted reproduction technology without investigating other options. The experience of infertility has become politicized as scientists, medical professionals, and potential parents confront society’s mores and religious perspectives. The wisdom of past generations is untapped as couples are encouraged to make these major life decisions with little guidance.

Seek Spiritual Comfort and Wisdom

There are many questionable happenings on the road that scientists are paving for those suffering infertility. As reproductive technology blazes trails through uncharted land, we are at a moral crossroads. First, seek God’s intervention before you embark on this challenging path.

Pastoral support and care can offer comfort and helpful perspectives. Discuss options with your pastor, partake in blessing rituals, learn religious teachings, and evaluate your options in light of this information. Seek out faith-based support groups, mentoring, and spiritual direction. The faith community cannot take away your tears but can show you how to make them holy.

Resources:

Elizabeth Ministry International Retreat and Resource Center provides support and assistance in responding to the proliferation of mind-boggling options. (920) 766- 9380, emfounder@elizabethministry.com

Our Fruitful Love is the Catholic Diocese of Arlington’s accompaniment for spouses experiencing infertility or pregnancy or infant loss. The website has digital resources, avenues of support, and reflections from other couples who have struggled with infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth.

Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction provides information on NaProTechnology, a new reproductive science, which does not compromise the sanctity of life or marriage.

Springs in the Desert is a Catholic Community formed through the shared suffering of infertility and loss to accompany those who also carry this cross. We walk together in solidarity and hope, discovering the ways God is transforming our desert path into fruitfulness.

More Resources:

About the author
Jeannie Hannemann, M.A. is the director of Elizabeth Ministry International.

Miscarriage

The Order of Celebrating Matrimony includes three direct questions posed to the couple. The third of these is “Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God and to bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” While couples answer “yes” to this question every day, it probably doesn’t occur to most that perhaps children may not be a part of the future. The marriage ceremony almost implies that children will be a part of the couple’s lives. Yet 15% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, and it is estimated that as many as 50% of all pregnancies result in miscarriage, since most miscarriages happen before a woman even knows that she is pregnant.

The Catholic Church rightly insists on the sanctity of life from the moment of conception, but we need to do a better job of ritualizing the loss of life when a miscarriage does occur. Couples often bear this grief in silence and confusion. The world seems to be telling them that a life was not lost, that a tragedy has not happened. And yet, parents know otherwise. Their hearts and minds cope with grief and sorrow that is no less real for going unaffirmed.

When a couple experiences the pain of miscarriage people may try to be helpful and supportive, but often their words are more of an obstacle than an aid to healing. Here is some wisdom that has helped others through this silent sorrow:

It is right to grieve. People may say things like, “It’s just as well; there was probably something wrong with the baby,” or “Well, at least you know you can get pregnant.” Such comments can lead us to think that there’s really no reason to feel sad. But remember: a life has been lost, along with the many dreams you had for this baby. Take the time to grieve and be gentle with yourself as you are grieving. Treat yourself like a best friend and give yourself permission to be good to yourself during this difficult time.

Surround yourself with people who understand, and avoid people who don’t. Even your best friend may not know how to support you. If necessary, avoid her or him for a while, and seek out others who have been through this sad experience and can validate your feelings. Give yourself permission to share with some people and not with others.

Name your baby. This simple yet profound action is a concrete way of affirming that this life was and is a unique person. It can even be helpful to put the child’s name on a Christmas ornament, a stone in your garden, or some other place where you will see it.

Pray even when words won’t come. God is indescribably near to the broken-hearted, although it may seem like God is very far away. Speak words from your heart, even if they are words of anger, rage, disappointment, frustration or hopelessness. God has heard it all (even from His beloved Son) and is big enough to handle your grief. You are carrying a special sorrow and are united to the sufferings of Christ in a unique way.

Men and women grieve miscarriage differently. Some women find the site “Hannah’s Prayer Ministries” particularly helpful as they grieve miscarriage. Some local Catholic hospitals have a support group for those experiencing pregnancy loss. Some spouses may want to be alone. While others may want to meet with a spiritual director or friend to share the burden. Some spouses discover that exercise can be healing, while other spouses find that just puttering around can be helpful. Find out what works for you and be gentle with yourself.

Ask your local parish to begin a yearly Mass for Hope and Healing. We began this in our parish seven years ago as a way to give voice to our grief and to pray for comfort and strength. Each year, this liturgy attracts people from the area, some who experienced pregnancy loss years, even decades, ago.

You are not alone: ask for help if you need it. We are all members of the Body of Christ and are never alone in our pain. God desires to bring healing in our lives and frequently uses others as instruments of healing. If your grief turns to depression or anxiety, seek professional help. Call your local parish for a referral to a therapist or Catholic Charities.

Maureen and Jim offer marriage workshops and retreats. They have experienced infertility and multiple miscarriages.

For more information and resources for dealing with miscarriage:

Elizabeth Ministry
  • Elizabeth Ministry: an international movement designed to offer hope and healing on issues related to childbearing, sexuality and relationships; offers guidance and support for parents who have experienced a miscarriage
embrace
  • Embrace: A ministry for families who have lost a baby from miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death within the first few months after birth. Also for friends and extended family of these families, and for religious leaders and volunteers who want to help.

For Further Reading:

Article copyright © Jim and Maureen Otremba, 2012