Tag Archives: Married Life

Where’s My Parish?

Periodically I’ll meet someone, and they’ll explain, a little defensively, “I’m Catholic, but I don’t have a parish.” What they mean, I suppose, is that they haven’t been inside a church in a long time. The fact is, everyone has a Catholic parish.

Catholic parishes are divided primarily along geographic lines. There are parishes set up for specific groups of people—often ethnic or language minorities—to allow them to worship in a community where they will feel most comfortable. These are officially called “personal parishes.” In the last century in the US, there were lots of these parishes in the US; there are fewer today.

But everyone, everywhere, is part of a Catholic parish. The church’s mission is to provide pastoral care to all people, and so every place on earth where people live, the church has appointed someone to provide that care. In sparsely populated regions, that pastor may be at a significant distance. But everyone is part of a parish.

Sometimes people believe that they’re only part of a parish if they’ve “signed-up” “registered” or if they get envelopes for the Sunday offering. But the church’s code of canon law doesn’t make any such distinctions. You’re part of a parish because the church offers you pastoral care, not because you’ve filled out a form.

If you aren’t sure what parish you’re in, the easiest way to find out is to call the office of your local diocese or archdiocese, and ask them. You can also visit a neaby Catholic parish, and they’ll be able to tell you if you live within their boundaries.

Local parishes are the center of the church’s life. They’re a place where you can find friends, a place to belong, and a place to worship. They are places where people like you find support, spiritual nourishment, and a community to share life’s sorrows and joys.

How To Go To Confession

During the season of Lent, many Catholics will want to seek out the Sacrament of Reconciliation, or confession. In my experience as a confessor, I often encounter people who aren’t comfortable, or who don’t quite remember how Reconciliation works. So here are Fr. Larry’s tips for a good confession.

1. Know what it is you want to confess. Spend some time reflecting on your life, and examine your conscience so you know why you need God’s forgiveness.

2. Find a confessor you’re comfortable with. If you want more anonymity that you think you’ll get with a priest at your own parish, go to a neighboring parish. Lots of people do.

3. If you have lots to say, or if you will want more than a five minute conversation, don’t just get in line on a Saturday afternoon. Call a priest and make an appointment. It’s better if you don’t feel rushed.

4. Relax. If it’s been a while, or if you’re nervous, or you don’t remember how to proceed, just tell the priest. He’ll reassure you, and walk you through the process.

5. “I don’t remember the Act of Contrition.” Not to worry. After you receive your penance, and before the prayer of absolution, you need to pray an Act of Contrition. If you don’t have one memorized, you can say a prayer in your own words telling God you’re sorry for your sins, and that with his help you’ll try to do better.

6. Go regularly. Many people find it helpful to see the same confessor every few weeks. With regular confessions, particularly face-to-face, your confessor can help you look at the patterns of your life, not just individual sins.

Lent is a season of repentance for the whole Church. With a little preparation and clear communication, the Sacrament of Reconciliation can make that repentance a real force for healing in your life.

To learn more about the Sacrament of Penance, please visit this USCCB page. For individual resources (video, how-to guide, and more) please visit this USCCB page.

Living Simply: A Lasting and Fulfilling Way of Life

“After a ten-year bender of gaudy dreams and godless consumerism, Americans are starting to trade down….Upscale is out; downscale is in…Flaunting money is considered gauche….In place of materialism, many Americans are embracing simpler pleasures and homier values. ‘I think that people (says one theologian) are going to look back at today as a hinge period in the country’s history.’”

Sound familiar? That assessment is as up-to-date as today’s headlines, but as dated as the week it appeared, in the April 8, 1991 issue of Time Magazine. It was written at the tail end of an eight-month recession and the beginning of a long period of borrowing and spending. If the trend to the simple life had a lasting impact, it escaped my attention, and, I suspect, yours as well.

Maybe it’s time to rethink the simple life, but with a new sense of purpose. Many of us face two alternatives: increase our income or reduce our spending. With millions of jobs lost and retirement savings cut in half, increasing our income may be a pipe dream. The only realistic alternative may be to downshift to a more appropriate lifestyle.

The economic downturn is testing the resiliency of America’s families. There is no greater source of family conflict than money. A survey by Citibank once found that fifty-seven percent of divorces “stem from arguments over money.” Simple living gives us the chance to shift our focus from money and possessions to happiness and a sense of purpose.

Start Small

But to avoid repeating the 1991 “trend” that wasn’t, it’s important to start small and maintain a sense of balance. Cutting the family budget is like cutting back on eating. Crash diets don’t work. That’s why they are often called “yoyo diets.” They are so extreme, we can’t sustain them. So our weight goes up and down, up and down, just like a yoyo. In the same way, paring our budgets should start small and continue to build. The objective is balance, a reasonable compromise between what we want and what we really need.

One way to think about balancing our “needs” and our “wants” is the concept of “superfluous income.” The concept provides a good rule of thumb for measuring the number of possessions we need for a decent life. Albino Barrera, O.P., an economist and theologian at Providence College, mentions two ways of thinking about superfluous income. On the one hand, we can think of it as an amount of income that’s more than we need to maintain what’s required by what was once called “our station in life.” On the other hand, we can measure our income and our possessions against the needs of others.

This second way of thinking about superfluous income is what drives so many people to give substantial amounts of time and money to others. Economists use a term called “opportunity costs.” We can spend Wednesday night at the mall, or we can spend it teaching the less fortunate. But we can’t do both at the same time. The decisions we make determine the kinds of lives we lead. One benefit of living simply is that it frees us up to do things we find fulfilling.

Doing things that we find fulfilling is the positive side of what is essentially making a sacrifice. When a sacrifice frees us up to do what we believe is important, we’re far more likely to make it voluntarily. And making the sacrifice voluntarily will make it lasting.

Time Magazine reported that in the 1991 trend to simplicity, people were “making a virtue out of necessity.” That explains why the trend didn’t last. As soon as the recession was over, people started a new cycle of borrowing and spending. Without the necessity of living simply, people saw no virtue in it.

The Desire for Simplicity Comes From Within

The desire to live simply must come from within, which may be why the book that has been called the “sacred text” of simple living is titled Voluntary Simplicity. Its author, Duane Elgin, makes a distinction between what we “want” and what we “need.” We may want a McMansion when all we really need is a two-bedroom Cape. The trick is to downshift what we want to what we really need. And that has to come from within; it has to be voluntary.

Most of us, I suspect, believe deep down that the more we possess, the happier we are. But somehow that formula never works out. Philosophers and theologians have been telling us just the opposite for centuries. Now science is reinforcing their insights. When a Washington Post reporter studied a number of scientific studies in 2006, he found that “once personal wealth exceeds about $12,000 a year, more money produces virtually no increase in life satisfaction.”

What may have been even more surprising is the result of a 2006 survey on happiness by the London School of Economics. It found that the nation with the happiest people in the world was Bangladesh, one of the world’s poorest countries. It has an annual income of roughly $500 per person. By contrast, the U.S. has an annual income of $37,000 per person but ranked just 46th in the survey.

So science is confirming what we probably know deep in our hearts. We shouldn’t let the nation’s advertisers, or our wealthier next-door neighbors, convince us otherwise: Wealth and possessions don’t bring happiness for individuals or for families. If we can internalize the desire to live a balanced life, if the choice rises from our own self-determination, if we believe that the simple life is its own best reward – then we stand a chance of making simplicity a lasting and fulfilling way to live.

What Does the Church Say About Contraception?

What does the Catholic Church teach about married love?
Marriage is an intimate, lifelong partnership in which husbands and wives give and receive love unselfishly. The sexual relationship expresses their married love and shows what it means to become “one body” (Genesis 2:24) and “one flesh” (Mark 10:8, Matthew 19:6). The sexual union is meant to express the full meaning of a couple’s love, its power to bind them together “the unitive aspect of marriage “and “its openness to new life” the procreative aspect.

What does this have to do with contraception?
The Church believes that God has established an inseparable bond between the unitive and procreative aspects of marriage. The couple has promised to give themselves to each other, and this mutual self-giving includes the gift of their fertility. This means that each sexual act in a marriage needs to be open to the possibility of conceiving a child. “Thus, artificial contraception is contrary to God’s will for marriage because it separates the act of conception from sexual union” (United States Catholic Catechism for Adults, p. 409).

A couple need not desire to conceive a child in every act of intercourse. But they should never suppress the life-giving power that is part of what they pledged in their marriage vows.

Are couples expected to leave their family size entirely to chance?
No. Serious circumstances “financial, physical, psychological, or those involving responsibilities to other family members” may affect the number and spacing of children. The Church understands this, while encouraging couples to take a generous view of children.

What should a couple do if they have good reason to avoid having a child?
A married couple can engage in intercourse during the naturally infertile times in a woman’s cycle, or after childbearing years, without violating the meaning of marital intercourse. This is the principle behind natural family planning (NFP).

What is Natural Family Planning?
Natural family planning is a general name for family planning methods that are based on a woman’s menstrual cycle. NFP methods are based on day-to-day observations of the naturally occurring signs of the fertile and infertile phases of the menstrual cycle. It takes into account the uniqueness of each woman. A man is fertile throughout his life, while a woman is fertile for only a few days each cycle during the childbearing years. A woman experiences clear, observable signs that show when she is fertile and infertile. To avoid pregnancy, the couple abstains from intercourse during the fertile phase. Couples can also use NFP to achieve pregnancy because it identifies the time of ovulation.

Who can use NFP?
Any married couple can use NFP. A woman need not have regular cycles. The key to successful NFP use is cooperation and communication between husband and wife.

How effective is NFP?
NFP can be very effective, depending on how strongly motivated the couple is and whether they follow the rules of the method. Couples who carefully follow all the rules to avoid pregnancy can achieve a success rate of 97-98%.

What are the benefits of using NFP?

  • Shared responsibility by husband and wife
  • Virtually cost-free
  • No harmful side effects
  • Can be used throughout childbearing years
  • Can be used in special circumstances such as post-partum, breastfeeding and premenopause

How can we learn to use NFP?
The best way to learn NFP is from a qualified instructor-one who is certified from an NFP teacher training program. Your Diocesan NFP Coordinator can help you to find an NFP class in your area.

To learn NFP on the Internet contact Northwest Family Services (NWFS). NWFS provides client education in the Sympto-Thermal Method.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains a list of additional correspondence courses.

For more information:

How to Stop an Argument Before It Starts

Do you and your mate get into the same arguments, time and gain? Do you encounter family members who have the uncanny ability to push your buttons and get in your face, even though you set out to steer clear of strife? As a lawyer and couples mediator I have observed the same dumb arguments ruining relationships. In my book Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, I share five smart comments you can rely on to short-circuit an argument.

Here are the top five arguments that occur in every family, and the smart responses you can use to reject conflict.

1. The Political Argument: “You’re wrong. I don’t want that flip-flopping jerk in the White House.”

Smart Response: Don’t defend, just deflect. Say: “That’s your opinion and you have a right to it. But for now, let’s agree to disagree and just have a good night.” By stating the obvious and rejecting the bait you sound wise without adding fuel to the fire.

2. The Financial Argument: “We can’t afford that!”

Smart Response: Focus on facts. Say: “Let’s sit down and go over the household cash flow.” Without facts at hand, assumptions lay the foundation for an onslaught of disputes. By sharing the math about your expenses you will know what you can, and cannot, afford.

3. The Techno-pest Argument: “You’ve been upstairs for an hour already. Get off that $%#@&*^ computer!”

Smart Response: Employ Positive Criticism. Say: “You know, I really miss your company. I like hearing what you have to say. Will you join me in the living room for a drink?” If your mate chooses tech toys over people, don’t complain, just explain. When phrased with flattery, you’ll get what you want.

4. The Over-sharing Argument: “I can’t believe you told your brother I am unemployed. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until I find another job.”

Smart Response: Create a Border Control. Say: “Before we go to dinner with your side of the family, lets agree on which topics are private versus public.” Perhaps your recent health issues and job instability are things you don’t want anyone to know. Everyone, even your spouse, has a different expectation of what is private v. public. If you expect your mate to read your mind, you’ve opened the door to a fight. Avoid potential foot in mouth moments with a pre-event discussion.

5. The “I Always Do Everything” Argument: “I have to prepare the food, watch the kids and greet all the guests while you’re relaxing and drinking beer with a few of your friends in the living room.”

Smart Response: Ask for what you want. Be specific. Say, “There are three things I’d like you to do for our dinner party: 1) Go to the bakery to pick up the fresh bread and rolls. 2) When guests arrive, please greet them and offer everyone drinks, and 3) When it’s time to eat, help me bring the food in and out of the kitchen. Can you do that?” Research shows that getting an advance commitment makes the person more likely to follow-through.

With these five smart responses you can dodge unnecessary conflict so family times are what they should be – good times!

About the author 
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator, relationship expert, and bestselling author. For more articles visit www.fightlesslovemore.com.

Grandparents: Models, Mentors and Memory-Makers

For more information about the first annual World Day for Grandparents and the Elderly, please visit the USCCB Website.

 

Every child deserves a grandparent who will love unconditionally, and every grandparent needs the opportunity to love and be loved. While it may not take an entire village to raise a child, it certainly takes a loving family. Grandparents are a crucial ingredient in the family mix. They have a unique connection to their grandchildren and a wealth of gifts, talents, and wisdom to share with them.

For many families, family life is spinning out of control. Parents are increasingly busy, and family life is more often like a pressure cooker than a warm, bubbly stew. The demands of dual careers and an abundance of outside activities leave far too little parent-child time. Grandparents can make a huge difference to these busy families.

Grandchildren and grandparents have a very special connection. The late humorist Sam Levinson once described it by saying, “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy!”

Grandparents as Models and Mentors

Grandparents have many things to teach their grandchildren, both by their modeling and their mentoring. Having lived many years and experienced a great deal, their knowledge can ease and enrich their grandchildren’s lives in a variety of ways.

Grandparents are powerful models for their grandchildren, and their actions and example often speak louder than their words. From grandparents, children learn both attitudes and values. Grandparents show grandchildren how to be good citizens; they are witnesses to their faith; and they are models for aging. Their very presence exposes children to the seasons of life and teaches them respect for other ages and stages of life.

Grandparents are made-to-order mentors. They have a storehouse of wisdom to share. Over the years, they have honed their gifts and talents, learned valuable skills, and developed interests that are advantageous, educational, and beneficial to their grandchildren. Their life experience can guide and teach their grandchildren.

Grandparents mentor grandchildren when they share a skill or new activity, such as baking cookies, knitting a scarf, building a birdhouse, visiting a museum, or taking a nature walk. Grandparents have an abundance of experience, which they often take for granted, and they almost always have more time than parents. Most grandchildren welcome the opportunity to try something new with a grandparent.

Grandparents Build Memories

Grandparents are ideal memory-makers. By spending time and mentoring their grandchildren, they can build valuable memories that will last a lifetime. They don’t need a trip to Disneyland to do so, but they do need a willingness to share their time and talent. If you are a grandparent who wants to try something new, birthdays and holidays are opportune times. Consider making a birthday banner that the grandkids might even help create. Make one-of-a-kind personalized birthday cards with a picture of the birthday child. Give gift certificates for overnights at grandma’s and grandpa’s house or a special date. Write a letter to your grandchild explaining your excitement when he or she was born. Take your grandchild on a memorable trip or adventure for a milestone birthday.

Organizing an annual cousins’ camp or family reunion at the grandparents’ house or an away-place is a sure way to build memories. Design a family T-shirt for everyone, establish special games and activities such as a scavenger hunt, bingo game or tug-of-war that can be repeated year after year. Make special foods.

Another ongoing memory-maker is to create a family calendar each year with pictures of the family and birthdays highlighted. Invite grandchildren and their parents to submit family photos.

Grandparents can build memories by working on a joint project or developing a mutual hobby like stamp or coin collecting. Grandkids who are into sports love to have their grandparents follow the same sports teams and compare notes.

Grandparents build memories when they invite a grandchild to share in a service project or join them in sponsoring a child from another country. (Check out Christian Foundation for Children and Aging.)

Today, fewer and fewer grandparents and grandchildren live in the same community. A great many of the more than 70 million grandparents in the U.S. are long-distance grandparents. Both parents and grandparents must be creative to keep the two grands connected. E-mail, video calls, texting, cell phones, and snail mail become important avenues for staying in touch. The lines of communication can be kept open by sending stories, jokes, riddles, or creating an ongoing tale by e-mail. One grandmother’s newsy letters to her grandchildren, about God, nature, and everyday family happenings, became a book: “Letters to Grand Children” by Elaine Mayer was published in 2009 by Trafford.

Grandparents are unique models and mentors. The ages of their grandchildren will determine the experiences, activities, and adventures that can be shared. As children grow out of some activities, they will grow into others. Interaction with their grandparents is bound to enrich their lives and leave them with a storehouse of unforgettable memories.

This article is based on a chapter from the Aitchisons’ small-group discussion program, “The Grand Adventure – A New Call to Grandparenting.” More information about this 6-session program, published electronically by The Christian Family Movement, is available on the CFM website.

About the authors 
Deacon Gary and Kay Aitchison live in Ames, Iowa, and have 14 grandchildren. Over the years, they have shared with many parents and grandparents through their involvement in the Christian Family Movement.

How to Pray With Your Spouse: Four Simple Steps

Ever wonder how to pray more intimately with your husband? Wish you were spiritually closer to your wife? Couples can learn a great deal from the Mass about how to pray together as husband and wife and how to deepen their intimacy at the same time. This is because the Mass is the perfect prayer between Christ and His Bride, the Church. Spouses who want to learn how to pray together can begin by following the same basic structure of the Mass. So let’s first look at how the People of God—the Church—pray during Mass and then we will explore four simple steps for praying with your spouse.

Structure of the Mass

The Mass consists of four parts, which include the Introductory Rite, the Liturgy of the Word, the Liturgy of the Eucharist, and the Concluding Rite. In the Introductory Rite, the Church comes together, makes the Sign of the Cross, and asks God for forgiveness, which prepares our hearts for deeper union with God. Next is the Liturgy of the Word, which is when we actively listen to the readings from scripture. This time can be likened to a conversation between Christ and the Church. Christ speaks to us in the readings, and we sing psalms to God from our hearts. Then, in the Liturgy of the Eucharist, Christ and the Church exchange their love with each other. Through the changing of bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ, Jesus is made substantially present to us. He then gives Himself to us in the Eucharist. At the same time, we receive Him and give ourselves back to Him, deepening an intimate union. Finally, the Concluding Rite reminds us to go in peace, glorifying the Lord with our lives.

Four simple steps

Praying with one’s spouse by following the structure of the Mass can be simple and enriching. Here is a four-step process.

Step One: Reconcile and Rejoice

First, set time aside weekly for just the two of you. Come together in a comfortable place or hold hands on a walk. Make the Sign of the Cross and take a moment to focus on being present to each other and to God, as is done at the start of the Mass. As you begin, take time to reconcile. Talk about how you might have hurt each other during the week. Then apologize and offer forgiveness. This will allow you to approach God with open hearts and to be united as you pray. Once you have reconciled, rejoice by offering a short prayer of thanksgiving to God.

Step Two: Discover God Together

Step Two is modeled on the Liturgy of the Word. After reconciling and rejoicing, spend time discovering God together. There are a number of ways to do this. For example, you could read the Bible and talk about the passage. If you don’t know where to begin in the Bible then a good option is to read the Gospel passage that will be proclaimed at the next Sunday Mass. You can find Sunday readings at the USCCB’s Daily Readings.

An additional option is to read the Psalms, which have been called the “book of prayer.” The Psalms express sorrow and joy, fear and hope, longing for God, and praise. By scanning the titles of each Psalm you and your spouse will easily find one that you can relate to. Pray it slowly aloud and then discuss how it stirs your emotions or what it leads you to think about.

Another way to approach God together can simply involve talking about what is on your hearts and minds. What are you thankful for this week? What challenges are creeping up in your life? What do you need from each other and from God? Answer these questions honestly and then offer prayers of petition to God. Remember to give thanks as you see God faithfully answering your prayers.

Step Three: Share Your Love

Step Three relates to the Liturgy of the Eucharist. After discovering God together, you can deepen your prayer and intimacy by sharing your love with each other. Sharing your love in the context of prayer may include a kiss, resting in each other’s arms, caring for an ill spouse, giving words of affirmation, or any other meaningful way you communicate your love. Again, have a thankful heart as your intimacy is deepened in the presence of God.

Step Four: Serve Each Other

As your time together draws to a close, remember to go in peace and to serve the Lord in each other. Prayer and intimacy never end! Let your service and intimacy live on throughout every day, as you go about cooking, cleaning, listening, working, and so on. The fruit that will come from your prayer routine will bless your marriage, deepen your love for God and each other, and allow you to reflect the love relationship between Christ and his beloved spouse, the Church.

About the Author
Dr. Chris Stravitsch is the Founder of Rejoice Counseling Apostolate and Cofounder of the St. John Paul II Foundation. He earned a Doctor of Ministry from The Catholic University of America, where he focused his research on the spiritual formation of couples and families.

Moving Beyond “Healthy” Anger

Christian married couples are called to love their spouses with a Christ-like love that is patient and kind, with no selfish or unjust anger, envy, or other unloving emotions (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

Don, a Christian realtor, does not love his wife Jaimee with a Christ-like love when she forgets to give him a phone message about an important real estate deal. Don yells angrily: “How could you forget the phone message? You’re so inconsiderate! Promise me you will never forget any of my phone messages again!”

St. Francis de Sales warns Christians that anger can turn into hatred. Couples can deal with anger effectively by managing their anger and, most of all, by following Jesus with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues. Anger management helps couples grow from an unhealthy anger to a normal, supposedly healthy anger. Following Jesus virtuously helps couples grow further towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love.

Moving from unhealthy to “healthy” anger

Anger management experts help couples with unhealthy anger move towards a normal “healthy” anger by managing their anger with such things as timeouts, deep breathing, empathy, cognitive therapy, and communication. With “healthy” anger, couples act constructively and reasonably. But they still feel angry at times. They typically experience a few episodes of moderate anger a week, often with some yelling, according to an American Psychological Association report.

“Healthy” anger is better than unhealthy anger. But “healthy” anger is not all it’s cracked up to be. Suppose a couple’s “healthy” anger lingered for the rest of the day or evening, and suppose the couple experienced also a few episodes of “normal” envy every week, and “normal” anxiety, and other negative, un-Christ-like emotions. That’s a lot of negative, un-Christ-like emotional turmoil!

Jesus calls couples to grow from an unhealthy or “healthy” anger towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love. But many anger management experts, and even some Christian marriage experts, say that we cannot help being angry at times, so we are not morally responsible for our angry feelings or for other emotions.

Growth towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love

Jesus can help couples grow towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love. We couples are often morally responsible for our emotions, and we can become Christ-like emotionally. Jesus teaches that “anyone who is angry with his brother will answer for it before the court” (Matt. 5:22). St. Augustine writes that our emotions are morally good if our love is good, and morally evil if our love is evil. St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that our emotions are morally good if they are reasonable, and morally evil if they are unreasonable.

Aquinas explains that we are not morally responsible for the involuntary, irrational, physical elements of our emotions, such as a rapid heart rate, but we are often morally responsible for the voluntary, rational elements of our emotions, such as thoughts and feelings of anger. Most of us become more reasonable and loving emotionally as we grow from infancy to adulthood. During our Terrible Twos we might have thrown temper tantrums if we had not been given Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries for breakfast, but we would not have been morally responsible for this. Adults, however, would ordinarily be morally responsible for temper tantrums like this.

Couples can gradually reduce and eventually eliminate selfish or unjust anger with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues, together with God’s healing and divinizing grace. Aquinas teaches that we can control anger and other emotions with a wise intellect (wisdom) and a loving will (love). Suppose that the realtor Don took a timeout when he was mad at Jaimee for forgetting the phone message, but he still felt angry. With Christian wisdom, Don could come up with reasons for not being mad at Jaimee. He could reason that Jaimee just forgot to give him the message, so she was not trying to hurt him, and everyone forgets things at times. He could reason also that anger usually punishes itself and profits nobody, and that Jesus wants him to treat Jaimee well instead of blasting her angrily.

With Christian love in addition to wisdom, Don could desire and choose to love Jaimee generously instead of getting mad at her. Then he would be following the advice of Francis de Sales that it is better “to find the way to live without anger, than to pretend to make a moderate and discreet use of it.” Here Francis criticizes the “anger management” theories of his times.

Christian couples can gradually reduce and eventually eliminate anger with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues. These virtues kill off anger more powerfully than anger management does–especially if couples commit themselves to following Jesus virtuously in a peaceful and joyful Christian marriage discipleship.

About the author
David Sanderlin (Ph.D., University of Notre Dame) is a retired college professor and author of books and articles on Catholic spirituality, ethics, relationships and other topics.

This article is drawn largely from the author’s Catholic marriage guide, The Christian Way to be Happily Married (Christian Starlight Press, 2010), especially Part III, Chapter 3.

Finances

Perhaps you are approaching marriage on a sound financial footing. You’ve finished your education, have been employed for several years, maybe even have some savings or own a house. Perhaps you are set – or so you think. But having enough money for a comfortable lifestyle is not all that finances in marriage is about.

It’s also about power. It might not seem that way at first. The two of you might have every intention of sharing incomes completely. You certainly don’t see each other as people who will dictate how much money can be spent on a cup of coffee. But weird things can happen when money is merged.

Old memories from our family of origin start to replay in our heads. You may agree that it’s fine if one spouse makes more money than the other. Then the primary wage earner sees the other spending his or her hard-earned cash on something like a $50 hair cut or a round of drinks at the club. One person’s necessity is another’s luxury.

What if you’re not in the enviable position of being financially stable? What if one of you still has student loans or credit card debt to pay off? Mixing debts and uncertain jobs makes marriage even more fragile. You will need much self-discipline, however, to keep strained finances from starting quarrels and poisoning your relationship.

Do financial problems cause divorce?

Financial counselors often point to finances as the most common cause of divorce. That’s only partially true. A study by Jason Carroll of Brigham Young University looked at 600 couples from across the nation from various ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds. According to Carroll, the study showed that “financial problems are as much a result of how we think about money as how we spend it.”

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.”

Money may be the presenting problem that gets a couple to counseling, but the solution is not just to make more money. Rather, couples need to improve communication skills so they can talk about their different ways of spending money and the different values that may underlie their financial decisions.

Carroll’s study found that when at least one spouse is highly materialistic, couples are 40 percent more likely to have financial problems that put a strain on their marriage, regardless of income level. The reason is that the couple expects that their lifestyle will bring them happiness, rather than finding happiness in each other.

What’s your spending personality?

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.” Is one thrifty and the other a spendthrift? If these traits are deep-rooted and significantly different, they can cause major tension and conflict.

If both spouses are spendthrifts the likelihood is that they will face issues of debt management – even if they have a high income – because desires tend to increase just a little beyond our incomes. As John D. Rockefeller said when asked how much money it takes to be really satisfied, “Just a little bit more!”

Of course, if one spouse is high on the spendthrift scale and the other tends toward being a miser, the probability of tension and conflict over money is obvious. It the extremes are not too severe, good communication skills can bring compromise and a healthy balance. It’s wise to have the thrifty, detailed person keep the books and write the checks.

Having two frugal zealots, however, is not necessarily the ideal either. If both spouses are extremely thrifty, they may tend to hold themselves to a very Spartan lifestyle, seldom spending any money on recreation. They may find themselves in a rut of all work and no play.

What’s your shopping style?

Beyond a couple’s basic spending personality, couples sometimes experience tension over their shopping styles. For example, which of the following shopping styles fits you?

  • Utilitarian: I shop for what I need and that’s it. I’m usually in and out of a store quickly.
  • Laissez-faire: When I see something I like, I buy it. I don’t plan for it, I just follow my whim.
  • Bargain Hunter: I check the ads. When something’s on sale, I snatch it and stock up. I feel great when I know I’ve gotten a good deal. Shopping is like a sport for me.
  • Therapy: When I’m in a blue mood, buying something helps me feel better.
  • Recreation: I like to window-shop. I can spend hours shopping alone or with friends.

If your shopping styles conflict, it may be easier just to acknowledge the difference and not shop together.

Who’s got the power?

The complicated thing about money in a marriage is that it’s often tied up with power. We may believe that the person who makes the most money is more valued or should have the greater say in financial decisions. We need to remember that spouses perform many tasks for which they are not paid. They contribute to the marriage and common life in different ways. At times one spouse may be ill or unemployed and not able to contribute financially or in other ways. Spouses need to feel valued and respected in their own home, regardless of how much money they bring in.

Is it ever better to have less money?

In a strong, life-giving marriage, financial responsibility is not just about making money and spending it or saving it. It also includes giving it away – to religious institutions, charities or our neighbors in need. Sometimes living more simply so that others can simply live is the most direct path to satisfaction and happiness.

For Further Reading:

Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

This document was developed as a print resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) in 2011.

For Sue and Carlos, married for eight years, life is hectic as they try to balance his full-time job, her part-time job, and the needs of three children. Even when they manage a date night, conversation tends to revolve around the kids. Sue misses the connection she felt with Carlos as newlyweds. Carlos loves his family but wonders if there’s something more than the endless routine of carpools and shopping. Both worry that the spark has gone out of their marriage.

Nearly a year after Tom admitted his affair with a co-worker, Sally cannot forgive him. She considered divorce, but Sally takes their wedding vows seriously and doesn’t want to abandon nineteen years of marriage. Besides, Tom is a good father to their teenagers. Tom wants desperately to regain Sally’s trust but doesn’t know how to begin to repair the damage to their marriage.

On their wedding day, when a bride and groom promise to be true in good times and in bad, the hard times seem far away. The Church rejoices with the couple, even as it reminds them of what lies ahead. In the Nuptial Blessing the priest or deacon prays, “Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.”

The Church understands that problems are part of every marriage. The reality of human sinfulness can impair the ability to achieve a happy and holy marriage. Modern stresses on marriage can take their toll.

Nevertheless, God’s plan for marriage persists. He offers forgiveness and healing so that couples might learn to grow in self-giving love and thus become an image of the relationship between Christ and his Church.

How can this happen, however, when couples face the difficulties of married life? In their pastoral letter on marriage, Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. bishops offer an answer: “We bishops urge couples in crisis to turn to the Lord for help. We also encourage them to make use of the many resources, including programs and ministries offered by the Church, that can help to save marriages, even those in serious difficulty” (24).

This brochure identifies a variety of resources available to couples experiencing marital problems. Some couples, such as Sue and Carlos in the above example, can benefit from marriage education. Others, like Sally and Tom, often need more intensive help, such as counseling. All Catholic spouses can draw strength and healing from the Church’s spiritual resources.

The Parish as a Source of Help

Catholics experiencing problems in their marriage often turn to their parish for assistance. For many, a first step is to discuss their situation with their pastor, who can often offer support and guidance. Although most are not trained counselors, an experienced pastor knows what to listen for and what kind of help to offer. Couples like Sue and Carlos may simply need reassurance that their marriage is going through an unsettling but normal phase.

In some cases, a pastor may identify and challenge an addictive behavior. He may also determine that professional help is needed and recommend a qualified counselor.

The pastor represents a Church that is committed to saving marriages, if at all possible. He promises to offer spiritual and emotional support as the couple works through their difficulties. He asks the couple to make a similar commitment by trying in good faith to save the marriage. (An important note: In Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. Catholic bishops state that “no one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse” [24]. See also When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.)

In some parishes, deacons and lay ministers are able to provide pastoral care to married couples. Other parishes have pastoral counselors—trained mental health professionals who integrate sound therapy and spirituality. If no help is available, it may be possible to find assistance at a neighboring parish. This is also an option for couples who are reluctant to discuss their marital problems with their own pastor.

Helpful Resources for All Couples

  • Skills-building programs. Research has shown that marriages are more likely to succeed when couples acquire certain skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial planning, and time management. Some parishes and community adult education programs offer skills-building sessions. The diocesan Family Life Office may be familiar with programs offered in the area.
  • In-home resources. Many couples appreciate the flexibility of in-home resources such as books, DVDs, and web-based marriage enrichment programs. These are readily available online and in bookstores. The For Your Marriage website includes lists of recommended books and programs.
  • A Marriage Mentor couple can be helpful for any marriage, especially one in trouble. Some parishes have programs to match couples; otherwise, a pastor might suggest someone, or a couple might look for a more experienced couple whose interactions they admire.
  • Group-based encouragement and enrichment. Various enrichment programs are offered in group settings. Some, such as Marriage Encounter and the Marriage Encounter Weekend Program, bring couples together for a day or a weekend to focus on improving their marriage. Others, such as Christian Family Movement and Teams of Our Lady, offer a chance to meet regularly with other married couples for mutual support and spiritual growth.

For Your Marriage has more information about these and similar resources.

Resources for Couples with Serious Issues

  • Support groups. Addiction to drugs and alcohol, gambling, pornography, and similar behaviors, if left untreated, worsen over time and can destroy a marriage. Twelve Step programs such as A.A. and N.A. can be effective, alone or in combination with other therapy. The spouse of someone with an addiction can benefit from Al-Anon or Narconon. Many parishes have a list of such programs in their area.

See the article on Addictions for more information.

  • Retrouvaille and The Third Option. Retrouvaille is a weekend program with follow-up, designed for couples with serious problems, including those who are separated or divorced. Weekends are offered around the country. The Third Option combines skills-building workshops, sharing with mentor couples, and a support group. It can be used for marriage enrichment or crisis intervention. Spouses may come alone.

Counseling

Sometimes a problem becomes more than a couple can handle alone. Indications that a couple might need counseling include ongoing conflict that does not get resolved; poor communication patterns; disruptive life transitions; substance abuse; disagreement over a child’s needs; and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. A positive outcome is more likely when help is sought sooner rather than later.

A major challenge is finding the right counselor. The therapist should be committed to saving the marriage, if at all possible, and should respect religious values as a resource for strengthening the marriage. The therapist should have specific training in marriage counseling, with a practice that includes a significant amount of couple work.

The best referrals come from people whose wisdom and integrity can be trusted. This might include a friend, family member, physician, or mental health professional. It could be a pastor or parish staff member. Another referral source is the diocesan Catholic Charities Office or Family Life Office.

See the article on counseling for more information.

Spiritual Resources

Jesus promises to be with those who are dealing with difficulties: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28).

Couples can experience Jesus’ presence through the Catholic Church’s rich treasury of spiritual resources.

  • In the Eucharist, Catholic married couples encounter the one who is the source of their marriage. Jesus’ self-giving love sustains their own union. Sometimes, however, couples slip in their Sunday Mass attendance, or they do not attend Mass together. A first step might be to make a date for Mass and start to reclaim the spiritual foundation for the marriage.
  • Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Jesus offers mercy and healing and the opportunity to make a fresh start after inevitable stumbles.
  • Personal prayer, Bible reading, and devotions such as the Rosary or eucharistic adoration can help couples discern God’s will for their marriage.
  • Some parishes and dioceses offer a day of reflection or weekend retreat for married couples.

Conclusion

The Catholic Church wants couples to have a holy and happy marriage. Addressing problems as they arise helps spouses develop the skills and behaviors that lead to a happy marriage; it also leads them to a holy marriage, as they grow in virtues such as patience, perseverance, and forgiveness. Couples who have worked through serious difficulties often emerge stronger and more committed. Hand in hand, they lead each other to heaven as they witness to God’s own faithfulness and abundant love.

About the document
The document Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble was developed as a resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American Bible, copyright © 1991, 1986, and 1970 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC 20017 and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

First printing, May 2011

ISBN 978-1-60137-199-7

Copyright © 2011, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright holder.

This resource is also available in a printed brochure format (Publication No. 7-199). To order copies contact USCCB Publishing or call 800-235-8722.