Tag Archives: Lifelong Marriage

Couple Cycles 3,360 Miles for Lasting Marriages

Time surely does fly by when you are very happily married. In the early days of our marriage my husband, Ric, and I imagined a life of friendship and love together, promising that we would never mention or even think of d______ (what so many people do to end their marriages). The word would not even exist in our vocabulary. And we have had so many wonderful years together. We wish all people were better prepared for marriage and chose more carefully the wife or husband they commit to “till death do us part” so every marriage would last and be the “happily ever after” it is meant to be.

We have been cyclists for all of our married life and we thought how fun it would be to ride our bikes across the United States, a dream that we had almost forgotten amongst the days and years of work and family life. With both kids grown and off on their own, we decided this was the way we would celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary – on a tandem ride across the United States. But we didn’t want this ride to be just about us. We wanted to somehow help others in their own marriages. So from Oceanside, California to Yorktown, Virginia we searched for couples who had helpful advice on what makes for a happy, lasting marriage.

Starting off at the Pacific Ocean

Our journey began on June 27, 2015 with a great send-off. About twenty friends and relatives joined us for breakfast in Oceanside including Karen, one of the friends that had introduced us to each other in college. From there we rode for 40 days, taking one day off per week to rest. Every day we would find someone to interview asking them, “What advice would you give to people who are preparing to get married or who are newly married?” We would then post the advice with a description of our ride for the day and some photos on our Facebook page “Lasting Marriage Bike Tour.” On the page we also put some book recommendations, posted articles on marriage, listed marriage resources and 25 love songs that speak about true love.

Beautiful scenery in Colorado

Traveling through Monument Valley in Arizona

Experience is a great teacher if you take the time to reflect upon it, so we interviewed people who had been married for a long time. The advice we received from these friendly people, most of whom were complete strangers to us, is valuable advice that would help anyone trying to build a successful marriage. Quite a few of our followers commented how much they appreciated the advice; some couples saying that they read our posts every night before they went to bed. We pray that it will help many others.

Some Advice from People Across the U.S.

  • Have God in your life and go to church together
  • Never stop listening and never stop talking
  • Be your spouse’s best friend
  • Don’t be selfish
  • Learn to compromise, to give and take
  • Persevere, always remember why you got married
  • Tell your spouse how much you love them

We made it to the east coast on August 12th, 2015. Overall, we traveled through nine states and rode 3,360 miles. We met so many good people and saw many beautiful sights. What a great adventure and a great way to spend time together celebrating our anniversary!

Ric and Anne’s celebratory dinner in Yorktown, VA

What Makes for a Happy and Lasting Marriage?

All couples want their marriages to succeed. But what makes for a happy and lasting marriage? Is it just luck—a matter of finding the right spouse? Is each marriage unique, or do happy marriages have certain elements in common? Perhaps most important, what can spouses do to improve their chances of marital success?

Social science research offers some helpful answers. It reminds us, for example, that couples build “multiple marriages” over the course of a marriage. Common transitions such as the birth of a child, relocation, and the empty nest require couples to adjust their behaviors and expectations. Transitions can threaten marital stability, but they can also provide an opportunity for growth.

Here are several key findings from the social sciences that can help couples to navigate these transitions and build a lasting marriage.

–Couples who know what to expect during common transitional periods in a marriage are less likely to be blindsided when changes occur. Couples can acquire proactive resources to prepare for relationship shifts. See Stages of Marriage.

–The three most common reasons given for divorce are “lack of commitment,” “too much conflict and arguing,” and “infidelity.” (With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America, 2005)

–In contrast, the most common reasons couples give for long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They speak of hard work and dedication, both to each other and to the idea of marriage itself. (The Top Ten Myths of Marriage)

–Qualities that a couple can acquire and/or strengthen in order to save or improve their marriage include: positive communication styles, realistic expectations, common attitudes concerning important issues and beliefs, and a high degree of personal commitment. (Scott Stanley, “What Factors are Associated with Divorce and/or Marital Unhappiness?”)

–Married couples make a dual commitment. The first, of course, is to each other. The second is to the institution of marriage. This includes support for marital childbearing, openness to children, and a belief that marriage is for life. Such commitment results in high levels of intimacy and marital happiness. (Brad Wilcox, Seeking a Soulmate: A Social Scientific View of the Relationship between Commitment and Authentic Intimacy)

–Couples who stay married and happy have the same levels and types of disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle disagreements. The good news is that communication and conflict resolution skills can be learned.

It Wasn’t an Option

Have you ever thought about how uniquely we approach a difficult situation when we know there is no other option? We put our heads together and keep working until we figure out a game plan. We get help. We pray. Sometimes, we hold our breath and muddle through until time passes and things change but we “stick with it” because we believe there is no other option but to stick with it.

It was 1979. I was a sophomore in college and I had come home to visit my parents for the weekend. My grandfather had recently passed away and for the first time, I saw the adults in my life emotionally and tearfully shaken by the loss of their father. (It was a light bulb moment for me. “Oh yeah…Grandpa was their dad. He was Dad’s dad!”) This lucent occasion helped me to make sense of some “family stuff” I always wondered about but never asked about.

So, standing in the kitchen, cooking bacon and eggs at the stove, I watched my parents at the table engrossed in their favorite sections of the Sunday paper. I had been hearing about couples divorcing in record numbers. This was all new to me. With the exception of movie stars and my mom’s best friend, I didn’t hear about divorce. Now, in this new inquisitive, “enlightened” period of my life, I had been wondering why so many marriages were ending.

I guess I should mention that we were an Irish/Catholic family. We didn’t “discuss feelings” if you know what I mean. We didn’t complain either. It’s quite a powerful combination – Irish/Catholic. (I have no regrets. It has come in handy in my 29 years of marriage raising four sons. But that is another story.)

So there I was at the stove listening to the peaceful sound of sizzling bacon. Yet, in my head, I was baffled and uneasy. I ran through a litany of struggles my parents had endured in their 28 years of marriage–a lengthy, painful recovery from a tragic truck accident, a battle with lymphoma, years of unemployment, seven children, and now the realization that I was probably clueless about loads of other stuff! I know it was naïve to do, but I started comparing their struggles with those of recently divorced couples. It just didn’t add up and I had to do it. I had to ask.

I just took a breath and blurted out without any preface, “Why? Why didn’t you guys get a divorce?”

At the same moment, they lowered the newspapers in their hands, looked up, and answered in unison, “It wasn’t an option.” Then they lifted their newspapers and went back to reading. Just like that. (See what I mean…Irish/Catholic.) I thought, “Huh? That’s it? That’s IT?” I guess it is silly to think I would have heard, “Oh, your mother gave me seven beautiful children” or “Oh, your father is my best friend.” (You know, that stuff we heard on Leave it to Beaver or Donna Reed.) No chance. The answer was, “It wasn’t an option.”

Frank and Mary have been married for over 60 years. They are soul mates. They have unwavering respect and devotion for each other. They enjoy profound admiration and love from their 24 grandchildren, seven children, and their spouses. They continue to inspire and encourage without preaching, and with very few words. They are a living example of faith and the commitment to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health to love and to cherish ‘til death do us part.

Divorce and the Church’s Healing Ministry

May you have true friends to stand by you,
both in joy and in sorrow.
—Rite of Marriage, (1) no. 37

Many Catholics in the United States hear this simple but powerful prayer at the conclusion of a Catholic wedding ceremony. As part of the final blessing bestowed upon the couple, it captures well the Church’s fervent prayer for both husband and wife as they begin their new life together. It expresses the hope of the entire Christian community that care, concern, and support will be present to them during their most joyful and most sorrowful times.

Newly married couples begin life together in anticipation that their marriages will last. What they desire deeply within their hearts on their wedding day conforms to God’s deepest desire for them. If a marital relationship subsequently ruptures—for any one of myriad reasons, and despite all attempts to remedy their situation—couples can find themselves in very uncertain and sometimes fearful circumstances. (2)

The Catholic Church’s teaching and discipline regarding divorce are rooted in the words of Jesus (see Mt 19:3-9, Mk 10:2-12, and Lk 16:18). This teaching affirms that God’s plan for marriage—from the very dawn of Creation (see Gn 1:28 and 2:18-24)—is a partnership of mutual and lasting fidelity.(3) Marriage is an irrevocable covenant brought about by the consent of the spouses, by which they agree to give and accept themselves completely through life’s inevitable challenges and celebrations. Accordingly, “between the baptized, ‘a ratified and consummated marriage
cannot be dissolved through any human power or for any reason other than death.’”(4) Because of the enduring sinfulness of the human condition, the Church recognizes that a separation of the spouses can later occur—often for grave and unfortunate reasons—with the original marriage bond remaining. (5)

The above epigraph from the Rite of Marriage reflects St. Paul’s Letter to the Romans, wherein he exhorts the Christian community to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom 12:15). It follows Paul’s moving reflection on the body of Christ and the role that each part of the body exercises in supporting the others in loving communion. Persons who experience marital discord will naturally turn to the comfort of family and friends for initial support. As a family of faith, moreover, the entire Christian community—made present to the couple on their wedding day—is exhorted to accompany those who suffer from an irremediable marriage situation. Pope John Paul II was an especially strong proponent of the Church’s responsibility in this regard. Referring to persons who are separated or divorced but not remarried civilly, he stated that

The ecclesial community must support such people more than ever. It must give them much respect, solidarity, understanding and practical help, so that they can preserve their fidelity even in their difficult situation; and it must help them to cultivate the need to forgive which is inherent in Christian love, and to be ready perhaps to return to their former married life. (6)

Parishioners and parish leaders might well ask themselves: How are separated and divorced persons treated in this parish? What is the parishioners’ prevalent attitude toward persons who are separated or civilly divorced? Pope John Paul II characterized the fundamental Christian attitude that ought to permeate a parish’s response: “let these men and women know that the Church loves them. . . . it is necessary to welcome them with charity and kindness.” (7) In his first encyclical, devoted to the meaning and exercise of Christian charity, Pope Benedict XVI further reflected on the ecclesial exercise of charity: “as a community, the Church must practice love. Love thus needs to be organized if it is to be an ordered service to the community.” (8)

Putting Faith in Practice

In 2005, to inaugurate its National Pastoral Initiative on Marriage, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops invited dioceses to conduct focus groups with married Catholics, including spouses who are separated or divorced. The focus groups presented recommendations for pastoral outreach to those in this situation. “Many spoke of the need for resources (lists of counselors, reading materials, websites) that could be posted on a parish and/or diocesan website. . . . [for] parish-based support groups. . . . [and for] programs for divorce care . . . that reinforce Catholic teaching.” Other participants recommended that “parishes sponsor activities that are not always family-centered.”(9)

Pastoral practices aimed at persons who are separated or divorced are best complemented by catechetical initiatives to form the entire parish community in becoming welcoming and encouraging examples of Christian evangelization. (10) Such initiatives can provide needed clarity in explaining truthfully the Church’s teachings related to marriage and reconciliation and offer the needed correctives for today’s misconceptions. Through such initiatives, brokenness can be healed, self-worth can be affirmed, and isolation can be overcome. Thus welcomed into the Body of Christ, the separated and divorced are able to draw closer to the Lord, discover the rich mercy of his promise of forgiveness, and remain ever confident of the Lord’s commitment to shoulder their burdens along with them (see Mt 11:30).

Some separated and divorced Catholics express the mistaken notion that their situation objectively sets them outside the Catholic community. This could not be further from the truth. It is essential that divorced Catholics know that they are not excommunicated under church law and that their right and responsibility to participate in the life of the Church—which they possess by virtue of Baptism—does not cease with the breakup of their marital union.(11) In fact, participation in the life of the Church is essential for continued growth in the faith.

It is true that Catholics who are divorced and civilly remarried present a unique challenge for the Church’s ministry. In fidelity to the teaching of Christ and the prescriptions of canon law, the civil union is invalid. Couples in these situations therefore “find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God’s law.”(12) They may not receive the Eucharist or exercise other official functions within the Church until their sinful situation is resolved. Divorced and civilly remarried Catholics can and should remain active in many other ways, however, such as reflecting on the Word of God, attending Mass, fostering works of charity and justice, cultivating a spirit and practice of penance, and continuing to guide their children in the Catholic faith. (13)

Daily parish life offers pivotal moments for ongoing catechesis on the Church’s teachings related to marriage and reconciliation. Adult faith formation programs, retreats, homilies, missions, and formation for newly married couples are suitable occasions to address marital difficulties as they arise. Because the pain and rupture of separation and divorce extend to other family members, children of separated and divorced Catholics should hold a special place within the Church’s healing and catechetical ministries. Some divorced Catholics have expressed concern that their children’s legitimacy will be affected by a subsequent declaration of nullity by a church court. These persons ought to be assured, however, that the children’s legitimacy is not affected by such declarations.(14) National and international programs developed specifically for separated and divorced persons can be adapted with great effect to attend to families’ emotional needs and support parents in fulfilling their natural and ecclesiastical obligations toward their children.

A Future Filled with Hope

The Church’s diverse response to Catholics who are separated or divorced is always faithful to Christ’s teaching on the indissolubility of marriage and the Church’s vigilance concerning scandal. Parish staffs, in collaboration with diocesan personnel, should work closely with Catholics who find themselves in these situations to explore the various options that are available for remedying their situations. In some instances, it will be helpful to discuss with a church tribunal official the possibility of petitioning for a declaration of matrimonial nullity. (15) Pastors and priests will also want to work closely with spouses who were believed to have been instrumental in the breakup of their marriage for proper conscience formation and signs of repentance. (16)

The gospel message makes evident the truths that sin and suffering will continue to exist, even within marriages of well-intentioned Catholics, and that God’s everlasting love is revealed in the Lord’s unending promise of forgivenessvand the hope of a new beginning. Christian hope “affords us joy even under trial,” (17) permitting us to proclaim with the words of St. Paul, “Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction” (Rom 12:12).

This material was originally developed as a resource for Catechetical Sunday 2010.

Notes

  1. See Rite of Marriage, in The Rites of the Catholic Church, study ed. (New York: Pueblo Publishing Company, 1990).
  2. A 2007 Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) study commissioned by the Committee on Marriage and Family Life of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) reported that 13 percent of adult Catholics in the United States are currently separated or divorced, a statistic
    that mirrors the incidence of divorce among the population
    of the United States generally. See CARA, Marriage in the Catholic Church: A Survey of U.S. Catholics, October 2007, www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/marriage_report.pdf.
  3. See Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), 2nd ed. (Washington,
    DC: Libreria Editrice Vaticana–USCCB, 2000), nos. 1603-1605, 1614.
  4. CCC, no. 2382, quoting Code of Canon Law: Latin-English Edition: New English Translation (CIC) (Washington, DC: Canon Law Society of America, 1998), c. 1141.
  5. See CIC, cc. 1152-1153.
  6. Pope John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation On the Family (Familiaris Consortio) (Washington, DC: USCCB, 1982), no. 83.
  7. Pope John Paul II, Address to the Pontifical Council for the Family (January 24, 1997), nos. 2 and 4, www.vatican.va.
  8. Pope Benedict XVI, Encyclical God Is Love (Deus Caritas Est) (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2006), no. 20.
  9. For the complete focus group report, see www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/separated.shtml.
  10. See USCCB, National Directory for Catechesis (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2005), no. 36.C.2.
  11. See CCC, no. 1651.
  12. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church Concerning the Reception
    of Holy Communion by the Divorced and Remarried Members of the Faithful (Annus Internationalis Familiae) (September 14, 1994), no. 4, www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_14091994_rec-holy-comm-by-divorced_en.html. See also Pontifical Council for Legislative Texts, Declaration “Concerning the Admission to Holy Communion of Faithful Who Are Divorced and Remarried” (June 24, 2000), www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/intrptxt/documents/rc_pc_intrptxt_doc_
    20000706_declaration_en.html.
  13. Pope John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, no. 84; see also CCC, no. 1651, and Pope Benedict XVI, Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation The Sacrament of Charity (Sacramentum Caritatis) (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2007), no. 29.
  14. See CIC, c. 1137.
  15. See USCCB, United States Catholic Catechism for Adults (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2006), 288-289.
  16. CCC, no. 2386.
  17. CCC, no. 1820.

About the document

The document Divorce and the Church’s Healing Ministry was developed as a resource by the Committee on Evangelization and Catechesis of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Richard J. Malone, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

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Help Your Marriage to Thrive

Why? Why! Why are the Gore’s separating? Everybody who cares about relationships is trying to figure it out. I too have been trying to understand the Gore phenomenon. Having worked in both marriage and divorce ministry for many years, I’ve found that sometimes divorce can teach us a lot about the fragility of marriage.

Sometimes it’s predictable. A couple gets married too young, for the wrong reasons, with only a soft commitment, or their personalities are just too different for easy day to day living. Most of these couples divorce within the first seven years of marriage though. A couple who has made it four decades is not separating because of personality differences – unless they’ve been leading parallel lives where they are sheltered from each other rather than sheltered by each other.

We have to get beyond dissecting the Gore’s marriage, however, and look for lessons that might help the rest of us. What makes marriages not just last, but thrive? Is it commitment, hard work, knowledge, skills, lack of celebrity, or just dumb luck? Who knows? It’s dangerous to compare marriages or children. Each one is unique. The Gore’s announcement, however, pulls us to ponder what makes marriages worth keeping.

Granted, sometimes it is just dumb luck, but we can increase our odds. Marrying at 23 and 25, my husband Jim and I had the emotions of love but a lot of naïveté about what might strain a marriage. We didn’t know what we didn’t know, but were committed to learning and growing old together. Following are some ideas that came to us as we pondered what can make a difference.

Love and commitment are decisions, not feelings. Yes, we also feel love for each other, but not always intensely. Sometimes it’s more of a quiet comfort in knowing the other is there for us – and will be, till death do us part.

Stay intellectually connected. If one person advances in career or education, it can leave the other out of the loop. Companions who share more of our passions start to usurp the energy previously directed toward one’s spouse. It’s more stimulating to talk with someone who “gets it.”

Sex is a bonder. Frequency of sex may diminish but quality should not.

Empty nesting can be a crisis or an opportunity. When the last child leaves home, it creates a gap in many couples’ lives. Time and worry that used to be directed toward kids leaves a hole as couples realize that they had a partner in child rearing but not in life. Some intentionally renegotiate roles and discretionary time. For others, it’s a welcome freedom to embark on new adventures without worrying whether the teens will have a wild party in their absence. Sure, invest heavily in your children, but don’t over-invest to the point of losing your identities.

Link but don’t tether. Pursuit of new activities together can reinvigorate but so can independent pursuits that we bring back to share. Jim helps me dig up the garden. I go on bike rides with him – some of the time. We dance, work, pray, and play – often together, but not always.

Focus on mutual challenges. We both still have “almost full time” jobs supplemented by too many volunteer involvements that cost us money rather than bringing it in. This forces us to live simply. It’s a shared challenge.

Growing old means a changing physical appearance, but it doesn’t have to mean being out of shape. Even for those of us who hate going to a gym, staying fit can mean climbing stairs or walking to the corner store rather than defaulting to the car. Often with age also comes the income and time to eat out more or indulge in comfort foods, leading to weight gain. Eating well – but not everything we could – and doing things for ourselves can save money, pounds, and disenchantment. We both have wrinkles. Some of them match.

Try to please the other. My husband suggested I write this article. I didn’t want to do it. I’m certainly not a wimp who does anything he asks. I decided to do it out of love and knowing that gestures of kindness build relationship capital. He knows my favorite candy and periodically hides a chocolate Easter egg in interesting places around the house. It’s like many mini-Easters.

Faith isn’t magic, but it helps. Having a reason for living beyond one’s personal pleasure helps us deal with those mysteries of life that don’t always make sense. Having a faith community that supports marriage can balance our “It’s all about me,” throw-away culture.

Enjoy each other. It takes time.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

I Promise To Be True To You

If they are not too anxious, every bride and groom hears at the beginning of the Catholic Rite of Marriage:

My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.

The bridal couple likely believes their love is already strong. Do they really need Christ to enrich and strengthen them? It sounds as if marriage involves a challenge for which the bride and groom need fortification, their mission being to “assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.”

What is fidelity that it is considered tough enough to need sacramental enrichment and strengthening? One definition–faithfulness to duties and obligations, or loyalty—corresponds with a traditional understanding of marital fidelity. It denotes unfailing fulfillment of one’s responsibilities and the keeping of one’s word or vows.

Fidelity and its rigors can best be described by those whose lives exemplify faithfulness. The Bible presents many models: Abraham’s fidelity to God despite difficult tests; Ruth’s loyalty to her mother-in-law although free to return to her own clan; Hosea’s resolute faithfulness despite his wife’s infidelities; Paul’s commitment to his mission despite arduous journeys and imprisonment.

We see by our forebears’ lives that fidelity is not easy but is possible with the help of God. Above all the Bible shows that God is faithful no matter how poorly human beings behave. The Son of God dies so that God can keep a promise. Married life often presents trials, conflicting choices, a partner’s inattention or worse. Faithful love persists. Spouses lay down their lives for their beloved every day.

Examples of faithful living exist in our own time. My closest example is my parents’ devotion to each another. My father’s loyalty during the last phase of their life is a remarkable illustration of meeting fidelity’s demands.

Shortly after my dad retired he noticed the first signs of Mom’s Alzheimer-related dementia. About 15 years after her diagnosis they moved to a retirement center to ensure Mom’s security if Dad died first. Dad gave up space and privacy for her sake. He also gave up sleep and dignity. When his wife began to wander, he slept on the floor by the door until an alarm was installed. When she insisted she had to meet her (deceased) father in the parking lot in the middle of the night, he accompanied her. When she forgot Dad’s name and told people “that strange man” was abusing her, he wept alone.

At last Dad admitted he could no longer continue as his wife’s primary caregiver, calling it “the hardest day of my life.” After Mom moved to the care unit, Dad visited her three times daily, bringing fresh fruit and newspapers, brushing her teeth, kissing her upon arrival and before parting. Death, he believed, would be easier to accept than her prolonged debilitation.

Mutual and lasting fidelity to the duties of marriage can be seriously tested by both good times and bad: as much by children’s births, job relocation, multiple opportunities, and wealth as by work stress, financial strain, emotional illness, disabilities, and tragedy. Temptations against fidelity might be disguised as attraction, generosity, or loyalty to a person or cause that is good, such as members of one’s original family, career, material comforts, a friend in need, even religion. No wonder couples need Christ’s enrichment and strength to differentiate between temptation and their vocation.

They also need to practice the virtue of fidelity from courtship onward. Fidelity is an acquired quality that is developed intentionally. Every temptation to be unfaithful is an opportunity to build character. Being purposely faithful to one’s wedding vows enables fidelity to become ingrained, a part of one’s makeup. Forty-five years of fidelity culminated in my father’s faithfulness during their last 15 married years, and in my mother’s willingness to put herself in his hands.

Another definition of fidelity, referring to accuracy and exact correspondence with the original, also offers insights into the marital virtue. Just as a high-fidelity electronic device is noted for accurate sound or picture reproduction, a high-fidelity marriage corresponds with what it represents: the love within the Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church. As a high-fidelity record is true to the original production, faithful spouses are true to their vows.

As President Woodrow Wilson said about loyalty, fidelity “means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.” Yet marital fidelity has rewards. A radical commitment to fidelity enables spouses to trust one another. It fosters openness and intimacy. It dignifies the marriage even in undignified circumstances like personal failure and physical or mental debilitation. A high-fidelity marriage is the basis for a stable family in which children can flourish. And on strong families is built a strong society.

Fidelity is a virtue intertwined with true love. Christ strengthens lovers who desire to be faithful so that, as Pope Benedict XVI said, “love is never ‘finished’ and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself” (Deus Caritas Est, 17). Fidelity, like love, is no fleeting feeling but a life-long commitment that Christ abundantly blesses.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

The Courage to be Married

It may not take courage to make a promise, but it can take a lot of courage to keep a promise. This is especially true for the promises we make on our wedding day.

I remember when I was an altar boy serving wedding Masses. I recall seeing the nervousness and sometimes outright terror on the faces of the brides and grooms who knelt before the altar. I used to wonder why they were so nervous. Then, years later, I got engaged to be married and got my own taste of that fear.

For me, it was never the problem that I didn’t love the woman kneeling next to me before God, our families, and friends on our wedding day. The problem was that no human could offer us any guarantees as to what was ahead of us. In fact, our friend Father Rich Simon, who presided at our wedding, presented us with a list of possibilities that didn’t exactly inspire confidence—sickness, poverty, or worse.

But in our decades of marriage so far, what we’ve found is that, most often, the courage we’ve needed has been to respond to the more mundane and everyday challenges that marriage brings. And the more we’ve had the courage to address these challenges, the stronger, more satisfying, and even holier our marriage has been for us. Here are a few of those everyday challenges we faced. You’ll surely find your own.

The courage to say what needs to be said

I suspect that most marriages aren’t harmed as much by what is said as by what is left unsaid. Withholding our truth from one another can kill a marriage. This can range from failing to express one’s love (in words, in deeds, in conscientious responses), to not standing up for oneself, to failing to speak up when something’s wrong in your marriage but you don’t want to rock the boat.

In my own marriage, I am extremely grateful (though usually not at the moment) for the times my wife was able to raise difficult issues I’d rather have kept swept under the rug. And I am glad I have found the courage to speak up about feelings and concerns I had that I knew it would be hard for her to hear. Showing courage in those moments inevitably increased our intimacy, our respect, and our love. Pay attention to what you resist saying. A friend of mine says that when it comes to knowing what inner work we should do, “resistance always points true north.”

The courage to do your own inner work

What behaviors of yours are robbing your marriage? It may be busy-ness, alcohol, anger, compulsive spending, or a whole long list of other distractions and cheap substitutions for the mutual self-revelation that marriage calls us to. Over time, any one of these can kill a marriage. If in your marriage you find yourself doing what you know you don’t want and shouldn’t do, have the courage to get help. It’s funny that people show disdain for turning to a counselor or 12-Step group because they feel it shows weakness, when in truth picking up the phone to make a call for help takes more courage than most things we’ll ever do. Be courageous!

The courage to welcome and let go

One of the greatest challenges of marriage is to find gracious ways to welcome this other person into your life—to make their wants and wishes and needs as much a concern for you as your own wants and wishes and needs. Marriage is all about welcoming—our new spouse, their family and friends, their quirks and foibles, even their maddening habits.

We need to do more than tolerate, we are called to welcome and cherish all of who this person is. It takes courage to open up our lives and invite another in. It takes courage to overcome our own habits of selfishness. And when we do, we swiftly learn that we also need to exercise the Christian virtue of letting go—letting go of old habits and new expectations. And oddly enough, if we are to keep our marriage alive and growing, we need to let go of how our marriage was last year or how we think it ought to be and grow into what our marriage requires or us today. You will change and so will your spouse. Each day, in effect, you need to say, “Once again, I choose you.”

Earlier I wrote that no human being could guarantee what our future might hold, and that’s true. But on your wedding day, God makes you a promise. God promises to be with you every step of the way—for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and not only until death, but beyond. And in reality, that is the guarantee that has meant the most to Kathleen and me. It is in the context of this living faith that marriage finally makes sense. It is in the faithfulness of God that we have found our hope to remain faithful to one another. It is in the reality of God’s constant love for us that we have discovered the depth and source of our love for each other, for our children, and for the world we are meant to serve. May you have courage—the courage to be truly married.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Commitment

Commitment is not a very “sexy” word or concept but it probably has more to do with making marriages work than anything save common values. It’s not just about saying marriage vows or having a piece of paper that says “marriage license.” Commitment is important because we act differently when we know that our futures are tied together. You may avoid a prickly conversation if you know the other person will not be around forever. You may move on to another love if your current one has a debilitating accident or simply starts to rub you the wrong way. Commitment means you’ve promised to stay and work it through, not just today but forever.

Commitment is a choice to give up choices. Although this might at first sound limiting, it actually brings great freedom and depth. No longer does the committed person need to weigh which person or way of life will bring more happiness. Once committed, all one’s energy goes into making this commitment work. No longer are other possibilities a distraction. The two major stages of commitment are making the initial commitment and keeping the commitment.

1. Making the initial commitment

Much of the research on how commitment impacts marital happiness has centered on making the initial commitment. Usually social scientists have compared couples who cohabit before marriage with those who have not. The presumption is that cohabiting couples have not yet made a firm and final commitment to be with this partner “till death do us part” or else they would indeed be married. This tentative or partial commitment makes all the difference to their future marriage.

According to marriage researcher Dr. Scott Stanley, those who cohabit prior to engagement score worse after marriage on virtually everything measured than those who wait until marriage or wait until after engagement. This includes:

  • Psychological aggression
  • Negative interaction (conflict)
  • Confidence in their relationship
  • Marital satisfaction
  • Dedication to each other

This risk might be partly explained by the lack of clarity and mutuality of commitment at the time cohabitation begins. The nature of cohabitation presumes the possibility of the relationship not working out (and thus the commitment not being permanent). If the couple later marries, it can be more of a “sliding into marriage” than a “deciding to marry.” As a decision to marry becomes less distinct but more of a gradual slide toward marriage, it blurs the clarity of the commitment.

Stanley hypothesizes that regardless of income, race, and culture, sliding will be associated with more risk than deciding. Deciding will be universally associated with lower risk because of the mutual clarity and resulting follow-through. In addition, the research shows that women are at a greater disadvantage if they move from a cohabiting relationship to marriage. In these couples, husbands have less dedication to their wives than the wives have to their husbands. (Kline, Stanley, and Markman, in press)

2. Keeping the commitment

“Till death do us part” can sound so romantic – but it can also sound deadly. Regardless of whether one marries in a secular or religious ceremony most couples still believe that they are making a permanent commitment. Of course, we all know that the divorce rate is between 40 – 50%, but most couples who marry don’t think it will happen to them.

What happens between the solemn pronouncement of wedding vows and the decision to divorce? This is not a “one size fits all” situation. Certainly, some couples made the decision to marry too young, too impetuously, too naively. Others were not psychologically mature enough to “forsake all others” or had other character flaws that were overlooked or not evident during courtship. Still, others just got bored or tired of trying to make it work. Still others earnestly worked and gave their all to the marriage but their partner decided he or she wanted out. One can’t be married to an absent spouse.

Some spouses have no choice but to leave for their own safety or because their spouse won’t work on the marriage. But research (Waite and Gallagher, 2000) shows that many marriages could be revived if the commitment is strong. Waite and Gallagher surveyed a large national sample of unhappily married couples and found that after five years, three-fifths of the formerly unhappy couples reported that they were very happy or quite happy. Sometimes it is simply the commitment to each other that carries a couple through the harder times, along with generous doses of time, counseling, effort, luck, and faith.

The Marriage Encounter movement has a motto: Love is a decision. It reminds couples that as wonderful as the feeling of love is, it is not sufficient for a marriage. At some point (actually many points) husband and wife need to decide to love – even when they don’t feel like it. Acting on this decision by doing loving things for your spouse, speaking kindly and respectfully, and deciding over and over to pay attention to the relationship makes love rekindle.

Couples who understand the essence of making a permanent commitment realize that it’s much more than just a decision not to divorce. It’s a commitment to do the daily work of keeping the commitment alive. It may mean turning off the TV or taking a nightly walk in order to listen to each other’s concerns. These simple actions, and many more, are the stuff of commitment. They are the actions that keep a marriage vibrant, interesting, and exciting so that temptations to make another choice don’t erupt. Although marriage as a permanent commitment is not restricted to people of faith, Christians might reflect on the scripture to, “take up your cross every day and follow me.” (Luke 9:23) Every day we recommit to follow our beloved and vice-versa.

For Further Reading:

When Rain Drenches a Marriage

Despite chill and rain plus forecasts of possible snow during this year’s diocesan Wedding Anniversary Celebration, couples streamed into the Cathedral that afternoon. Their bright eyes and spring attire contrasted with the gloomy weather. On that day, honoring their twenty-five and fifty years of matrimony, they looked so radiant one would think their marriages were made in heaven and dwelt there ever after.

More than likely these couples had survived lots of damp, dreary days. All marriages have their stormy seasons and years. The blissful days of early marriage succumb at some point to disillusionment. For some couples, the honeymoon ends quickly, while others do not notice dark clouds for five, ten, or twenty-five years. Life-cycle issues such as the stress of raising children, changes demanded during adolescent years, the need to develop a mature adult relationship when the children leave home, and other factors can dim romance. Besides making spouses miserable, unmanaged disillusionment can swamp a marriage.

Disillusionment proceeds from the perception that one’s spouse is not the dreamboat that first captured the lover’s heart and that this marriage is not the ecstasy anticipated. Sunshine, smiles, and “sweet nothings” are battered by high winds and icy retorts. As disenchantment deepens husband and wife become filled with negative feelings and prone to distorted thinking.

Given the inevitable bad weather in marriage, how can couples survive disillusionment and create a marriage that is still satisfying on their golden anniversary? Although disillusionment is about an illusory dream (of the self, spouse, and marriage), it can also be a divine gift. Consider that God is revealing that what we thought our marriage would be is not expansive enough. Our illusion is a shadow of God’s dream that our marriage be a deep friendship, an intimacy that mirrors the relationship of the Trinity, a passionate and fruitful love. Disillusionment may be God’s cold water thrown on our complacency.

A couple who shares a sense of their marriage’s purpose allows God’s rain to nurture seeds of deeper commitment. Realizing that marriage is more than one-plus-one and that their love and fidelity form a holy sign for their families and larger community offsets discouragement. Focusing on the significance of the marriage for their children’s well-being (backed by social science data) can help a couple endure some difficult years. Talking about the future and sharing a positive vision for their marriage helps strengthen commitment for the long term.

A spouse suffering disillusionment must take personal responsibility. A look in the mirror can be revealing. Am I blaming this unhappy face on my spouse? What needs and wants do I expect my partner to take care of? How does my behavior affect my spouse? Am I trying to build the spouse I imagined instead of accepting the one I married?

Secondly, listen to your spouse without defending or rebutting. Check whether you have heard accurately. Share your own feelings and hopes honestly. Husbands and wives can take positive steps to counteract disillusionment and reinvigorate their marital friendship.

For example:

  • Do something nice for your spouse: say thank you, write a love note, prepare a candlelight dinner for two, offer ordinary tasks as a prayer for the other.
  • When conflict flares, call “time out” and arrange to talk when you will be calmer and free of distractions.
  • Approach problems as a team.
  • Spend some time outdoors together every week and make time for fun.
  • If you are Catholic, avail yourself of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist.
  • Do something different together: go on a date, share prayer, plan a day trip or vacation, bake bread, take dancing lessons.
  • Go to a communication workshop, marriage enrichment weekend, or couple’s retreat.
  • Make your wedding anniversary special without incurring too much cost.

Recent research shows that more than eighty percent of couples who described themselves as “unhappy” indicated five years later that they were happier, most rating their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy” (Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage). Simply enduring the difficult years has merit, yet a couple can better handle disillusionment by actively building commitment and rediscovering what their marriage is meant to be – even on rainy days.