Tag Archives: Getting Serious

Children & Parenting

On their wedding day, the bride and groom are asked: “Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” Dreaming together about the children you hope to have is one of the most exciting parts of getting married. However, unless you’re entering a step-parent family or already have children, the nuts and bolts of daily parenting are probably not high on your radar screen. Here’s a suggested list of items that couples should discuss before they get married regarding children and parenting. See if you’ve covered most of them.

Childbearing

  • Do we both want to have children? [Note: Because the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is ordered toward the union of spouses and the procreation and education of children, if one or both spouses intend never to have children (as opposed to postponing pregnancy for a just reason), the marriage could be considered invalid.]
  • Do we hope to have children right away? What are the financial, educational, or medical factors that could affect this decision?
  • If we are hoping to postpone pregnancy, do we both accept the Catholic Church’s teaching that contraception is immoral? If not, are we willing to learn more about what the Church teaches and why?
  • Are we familiar with Natural Family Planning? Are we open to using NFP either to postpone pregnancy or to try to conceive? Have we taken an NFP class together? (See also, “When Can We Use NFP?”)
  • How many children do we hope to have? What are the financial, educational, or medical factors that could affect this decision? For example, how do we envision educating our children (homeschool, Catholic or private school, or public school)? Do we hope to pay for our children’s college education? Do these issues affect what we think about the number of children in our family?
  • Do we feel pressure from our parents or in-laws either to have children right away or to postpone pregnancy? How will we deal with that?
  • If we have difficulty conceiving, how would we deal with potential infertility? What if our physician confirmed that we were infertile? How would we feel? What would we do? Are we aware of what the Church teaches in regards to infertility treatments and reproductive technology?
  • Would we ever consider becoming foster parents or adopting?
  • How would we deal with an unexpected pregnancy? What would we do if our physician told us that our unborn baby was sick or would be handicapped?

Parenting

  • What did you like most about the way you were raised?
  • What would you like to change in the way you raise your own children?
  • If one of us is not Catholic, have we discussed in which faith we hope to raise our children? [Note: The Catholic Church teaches that in a marriage between a Catholic and non-Catholic, the Catholic party must promise to do all in his/her power to raise their children in the Catholic faith. The non-Catholic party must be aware of this promise but is not asked to make the same promise his/herself. See the article on Interfaith Marriages for more information.]
  • How do we plan to pass on the faith to our children?
  • How do I expect parenting to change our marriage?
  • Do we want one parent to stay at home once we have a child? How will having a child affect both our careers and/or educational goals?
  • What role do we anticipate our extended families playing in raising our children?
  • What is the hardest thing I expect to deal with in raising a child?
  • What do I anticipate the most about becoming a father or mother? What causes me anxiety about future parenthood?

Faith and Spirituality

When couples are on the verge of a major life transition such as marriage, they begin to think about life, love, values…and the future. To a great extent this is what spirituality is about – our human search for happiness and the meaning of life. Is life just about the here and now? Do morals make any difference? Is death really the end? Is there a reason to live beyond my own comfort? Is that all there is?

Perhaps you’re putting off some of these heavy questions for a rainy day when your job is more settled, or wedding pressures subside… or you reach retirement. Whether you address them or not, however, the big life issues will not disappear. They may go underground until a crisis appears – an accident, a child with a serious illness, or a looming divorce. All of a sudden, you start wondering what is the rock on which you ground your life? That’s the way some people discover their spiritual sides, but you don’t have to wait for a crisis. It’s so much easier to let faith keep your relationship strong, rather than rescue you in an emergency.

What difference does faith make to a marriage? This time before marriage is an opportunity to take stock of your basic beliefs. Share them with your beloved and chart how you will live out your beliefs and values together.

Does this mean you have to share the same faith? That’s nice, but it’s more important to talk about what God means to you, what spiritual practices you find meaningful, and how you can support each other once you are married. If only one spouse believes that faith is important, how does he or she stay motivated to attend services if the other is sleeping or recreating? It’s not impossible, but it’s more supportive to go to services together.

Pew Research from 2015 found that 39% of Americans have a spouse who is of a different faith. Research conducted by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (1999) showed a higher incidence of divorce among interchurch couples (20.3%) than among same-church couples (14.1%). (Interchurch couples are Christians of different denominations, e.g., a Baptist and a Catholic or a Methodist and a Presbyterian). Religion can bring spouses together or push them apart. Couples may be of different religions, but that in itself does not predict marital instability. What’s important is whether couples engage in joint religious activities. For example, do they pray together or read the Bible together?

Although research finds that greater religious practice is related to lower rates of divorce there is not necessarily a causal relationship. It may be that people who are more actively religious are more likely to oppose divorce, or maybe they work harder at their marital relationship.

Let’s say you are both religious, but from different religions. Perhaps you share spirituality but not a church home. Certainly some spouses, strongly committed to their faith, will continue to worship regularly and be active church members, but it’s harder to go alone, split financial support, and devote time to two separate congregations.

The solutions to these dilemmas are as unique as the couples who marry. Here are some steps that any couple can take, regardless of faith affiliation.

Talk with each other about important stuff.

Start with the basics:

  • Who is God for you?
  • What code of ethics guides your life?
  • Do you value weekly worship?
  • What kind of prayer is comfortable and satisfying to you?
  • How important is it that your spouse shares your religious beliefs?
  • Are you lukewarm in your religious commitment and likely to fade away if you have to do it alone?

If you’ve never practiced a religion, consider giving it a try.

Although becoming more spiritual is a value for anyone, styles of worship vary as much as the unique people who are seeking the meaning of life. Try out more than one place of worship. If the first one doesn’t fit you, try again. It’s worth the effort.

Visit each other’s church/synagogue/mosque.

If each of you belongs to a different faith tradition, learn more about the beliefs of that religion. You’re not trying to convert the other but to understand what shapes your partner’s values.

If you are getting married in a religious ceremony, use this opportunity.

If you are getting married in a religious setting it means that faith is important to at least one of you. Use this opportunity to discuss questions of faith with your spiritual leader. These are the kind of conversations that you may have intended to explore some day, but you’ve put it off. Now your life is about to change. Use your contact with the priest, minister, rabbi, or imam to go deeper.

Become a grown-up person of faith.

Often people are raised in a religious home. They attend religious education classes, and maybe even Catholic or other religious schools for 8, 12, or 16 years. But their faith formation got stuck in childhood. If you have grown distant from the faith of your childhood, check it out again on an adult level. If you were a lawyer or doctor you wouldn’t think of practicing your profession based on high school information. Update your knowledge of your faith. You don’t have to have a degree in theology but you should not rely on childhood explanations in an adult world.

Make your home a place of unity.

Even if the two of you come from different faith traditions and are committed to continuing them, make your home a place where you merge prayer, rituals, and religious traditions. Since prayer at home is less formal, you can develop creative, inclusive times of prayer and faith devotions together. Experiment with the rituals of each other’s faith and blend them to fit your family. The point is not whose church you go to, but rather that you bring it all home.

Don’t wait until you have a child.

It’s tempting to put off decisions about how you will share your faith (or ignore it) until you have your first child. Don’t! A child is too important to become a battleground. If faith is important to you, discuss how each of you wants to share your faith with any children you may have before you are married. If you are Catholic, this question will be part of your marriage preparation. Discussing how you will raise your children can clarify how committed each of you is to your faith and beliefs.

Personality Audit

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. One important aspect of identity is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment. How do you handle conflict? In which social situations do you feel most comfortable? Which virtues come most easily to you, and which vices do you have to fight hardest against? How do you prefer to tackle big projects, household chores, and daily tasks?

Engagement is a great time to know yourself – and your future spouse – better! As you move toward marriage, consider taking this Personality Audit. Print two copies and ask your fiance(e) to take it, too.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Family of Origin

The term “Family of Origin” refers to the family that you grew up in – your parents and siblings. It may also include a grandparent, other relative, or divorced parents who lived with you during part of your childhood. These people strongly influence who we become.

Men and women who grew up in relatively healthy, functional families make adjustments in a marriage relationship. They learn to accommodate each other. At times you may smile (or cringe) when your spouse has a different way of doing something, i.e. the wrong way. You might complain, but then adjust.

For example, perhaps your mother was a fanatic about keeping a clean, neat house. You might swear that you’ll never be a slave to such a compulsion. But then you notice that your spouse is a “relaxed” housekeeper and the clutter he or she finds tolerable is starting to get on your nerves. You find comfort in returning to your own “relatively organized” space.

In marriage, of course, there are a million of these differences, many minor, some big. You can and will argue about some of them, insisting that your way is the right way. It helps to take a breath and remember that unless the health department is threatening to evict you for health/safety violations, probably neither of you is completely wrong. There is room for compromise.

If your family of origin had serious problems such as alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, or mental illness, the unlearning and relearning can be more complicated. Adult awareness will help you not to repeat negative patterns modeled during the formative years. Once you become aware of the patterns of your family of origin, you can change them. It’s not easy, but individual and couple counseling can free a spouse from repeating destructive behaviors.

Be sure to exercise caution if either of you comes from a family with divorced parents. Many couples, observing the heartache caused by their parents’ break-up, resolve to do everything possible to avoid divorce. Since commitment is a strong predictor of marital success, this is an important strength. On the other hand, since the child of divorce may not have witnessed healthy conflict resolution or values in the family of origin, there may be underlying skill or attitude gaps.

Take the time to explore what you learned about life, love, and conflict in your family of origin so that you can understand how this influences your current relationship – for better and for worse.

Questions for Discussion:

  • What aspects of your parents’ relationship do you admire? What aspects do you hope not to imitate? Note: For couples with experience of divorce in one or both families of origin, you may want to read the Must Have Conversations: Commitment page to explore potential effects of your parents’ divorce on your future marriage.
  • How did your family communicate? How did you resolve conflicts? How did you make decisions? Are there communication patterns that you hope either to follow or to change in your own family?
  • What was your family of origin’s approach to money and finances?
  • What are some family traditions that you value and hope to bring into your future family? Have you discussed initial ideas about how, and with whom, you will celebrate holiday times such as Thanksgiving and Christmas?
  • Did your family spend time together? What pastimes or recreational activities did they enjoy? Are these experiences you hope to have in your family one day?
  • What role did faith play in your family life?
  • What role did technology and media play in your family?
  • Do you have any concerns about becoming a member of your significant other’s family when you marry? Have you discussed appropriate boundaries to have with your future in-laws, for example communication pathways, what to do if a conflict arises, and how to decide when and how often to visit each other’s family?

Further Reading from For Your Marriage:

Remarrying Well with Children

The Situation

Sam (45) and Sally (37) have been married for 2-1/2 years. It’s a second marriage for both. Sam was married at 20. He divorced at 35 and obtained an annulment. Sam has done co-parenting with his ex-wife for a number of years. Sam brings two children from his first marriage, ages 14 and 12.

Sally was widowed for three years prior to her marriage to Sam. She has a 10-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son from her first marriage. While the initial phase of dating, courtship, engagement, and early marriage went well, there is a lot of competition among the children today. Sam and Sally often feel frustrated with the behavior of their respective children. This has caused tension between the couple and resentment towards the children. They both want this marriage to work well.

A Response

Keep talking. Besides the beauty both Sam and Sally find in each other, there are many gifts and challenges that need to be acknowledged. They need to keep talking about the gift of each member to the family. They shouldn’t minimize the challenges, but always preface what is said by, “I say this because I love you.” Sam and Sally need to recognize that the challenges they face are normal and developmental. They are hurdles that all stepfamilies face. This reality: “We are going through tough times, but it’s normal,” can be consoling.

Read a lot. The Internet offers sites that provide simple, clear articles on stepfamilies. A great source is the National Stepfamily Resource Center. The local library and the State Cooperative Extension Service are useful resources. Ohio State University’s site has helpful handouts.

Take time to be a couple. Given their ages, Sam and Sally have the possibility of a 35-year marriage, of which only 10 to 15 years will be spent in active parenting. Nurturing their relationship is important, even if these “dates” are time at a diner over coffee and pie. Regularly scheduling this time as a couple also sends a message to the children. Sally and Sam can also commit to going to marriage enrichment programs offered in their parish or community. They are a married couple first and also parents.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Seeking help from a competent marriage and family therapist can be very beneficial. It is a sign of great love to suggest this help early, rather than when in the middle of a crisis. The therapist should be familiar with stepfamily issues. The local parish priest, diocesan Catholic Charities office and the National Registry for Marriage Friendly Therapists can recommend marriage and family therapists. If Sally and Sam are really struggling in their relationship, attending a Retrouvaille weekend and follow-up program would be helpful. Retrouvaille has helped stabilize many marriages. Also, Sam and Sally should talk to other parents in stepfamilies. This will help them normalize their experiences as a family.

Examine priorities. Sally and Sam might need to accept that in their children’s eyes loyalty to their parent might come before the marital relationship. While this is contrary to a couple’s belief that the marriage comes first, children need to feel that they will never be abandoned, especially after major losses. Children need to know that they will always be first in their parents’ concerns. Thus, Sally and Sam need to make sure to acknowledge the importance of their children’s loyalties, even as they nurture their own marriage. Talking this through is essential to a successful remarriage.

Remember that change takes time. Sally and Sam need to accept that in some stepfamilies the experience is like a roller coaster ride. Acknowledging that time can heal one’s hurts and also begin to create loving relationships is essential.

It takes time for a stepchild to love a new stepparent, just as it does for the stepparent to love a new stepchild. Sam and Sally should try to do things individually with each child, when the opportunity arises. This can happen when they drop a child off at band practice or go to the hardware or grocery store. A little time alone with each child goes a long way in cementing relationships. Also, each parent should accept that the missing parent (the mother of Sam’s children and Sally’s deceased husband) are very important to the children. Let them grieve their losses and support them, even though some time has elapsed after the death/divorce. The Rainbows program can be of great assistance to their children.

Trust that God is in the messiness of family life. Sally and Sam need to keep acknowledging to each other and themselves that God is present in the ordinariness of daily life. There is a real gift–grace–given to us in our sacramental marriage. Sally and Sam can pray daily for and with each other. They can recognize everyday victories (a good report card, a soccer game well played), and acknowledge unsettling challenges (an upsetting day at work, a sick child). In all this, Sally and Sam can give thanks to God for the gift of married love and family life.

About the author
Bill Urbine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a permanent deacon and Director of the Office of Family Life Ministries for the Diocese of Allentown, PA. He is past president of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM).

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Family of Origin Exercise

In my family of origin…

Affection was:

A. Shown warmly and often

B. Rarely shown in public

C. Other __________________________

My home was usually:

A. Neat and clean

B. Comfortably cluttered

C. Other __________________________

Decision making was done by:

A. Father

B. Mother

C. Both parents in consultation

D. Everyone in the home (including the kids)

E. Default (Nobody seemed to make decisions. Life just happened.)

F. Other _____________________________

When my parents disagreed or fought:

A. They yelled and screamed

B. One usually gave in to the other

C. They compromised

D. They separated to cool off

E. One or both used the “silent treatment”

F. I wouldn’t know. They never fought in front of me.

G. Other ____________________________

Responsibility for keeping the home picked up belonged to:

A. Everyone picked up after themselves

B. Mother or father picked up after the kids

C. I never noticed. It was never an issue.

D. Nobody picked up. (It was pretty messy.)

Privacy was:

A. Respected

B. A sign of secretiveness and selfishness

Money was:

A. Saved for a rainy day

B. Spent only on necessities

C. We were always in debt

D. Used freely for recreational pursuits

E. Other ______________________________

Relationships were:

A. Close. We had many times of fun together.

B. Cordial, but each person primarily recreated by themselves

C. Strained

D. Other ______________________________

Household chores were divided according to:

A. “Women’s work” or “Men’s work”

B. Who had the most time or skill at the chore

C. Both parents took equal responsibility

D. Other ________________________________________

On Sunday or religious holy days we would:

A. Go to religious services together

B. One parent would attend services, the other stayed home.

C. Neither parent was involved in an organized religion.

D. Other _________________________________________

On Christmas, we:

A. Put a tree up and decorated early

B. Christmas Eve was the big celebration when we opened presents

C. Santa Claus decorated the tree when the kids were asleep and we opened gifts Christmas morning.

D. We’re non-Christian and don’t celebrate Christmas

E. Other _______________________________

 

Exchange answers with your fiancé(e). Which experience of your fiancé(e) is most different from yours? Discuss what impact this might have on your future marriage.

7 Reasons Not to Marry

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. Following is a list of danger signs. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

1. Marrying to get out of the house.

This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Other options exist to get away from a troubled home. A counselor can help you find them.

2. No one better will ask me to marry him/her.

This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true selves. Postponing or canceling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counseling can help, too.

3. It’s just time to get married.

Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person.

4. Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner.

Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don’t be fooled by your partner’s promise to stop.

5. You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include:

  • One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries.
  • Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind.
  • You can’t have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.
  • You become careless with important relationships.
  • You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs – not with you!

6. You and your partner have major items which you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship.

For example: children, money management, division of responsibility for home and children, whether to keep both careers, religious identity of children in an interfaith marriage.

You need to talk about all important issues openly before marriage. The wedding ceremony itself will not eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements. Consider enlisting the help of a priest, minister, or counselor if these issues seem too threatening to handle alone.

7. Marriage just seems like the next logical step.

This sometimes happens to couples who are living together. They slide into marriage not because they have fully explored the idea of a permanent commitment and freely choose that for themselves, but because getting married is the next thing to do. Or they slide into marriage to fix a relationship that is limping along, thinking that having their families’ or church’s stamp of approval will fix their relationship. If this describes your relationship, slow down and look more carefully at what marriage is. Are you ready, willing, and able to fulfill its responsibilities?

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown.

Frequently Asked Questions by Engaged Couples

How do I know if I’m ready to marry?

  • Do most people consider you emotionally mature, able to compromise, communicate well, share your feelings, and handle anger constructively?
  • Do you love this other person so much that you are willing to put his or her happiness before your own?
  • Are you marrying out of strength (I know who I am and am happy with myself) rather than weakness (I need someone to fill the gaps in my personality)?
  • Have you developed strong friendships that have lasted over time?
  • Are you able to keep commitments and delay gratification?
  • Do you struggle on a regular basis with harmful habits or addictions, e.g. to alcohol, drugs, or pornography? That’s not necessarily a reason not to marry, but it is something that left untreated can seriously weaken your ability to have a healthy marriage.
  • Is God calling you to marriage? Have you prayed and discerned about this?

How do I know if this is the right person?

  • Do you share similar basic values about respecting human life, fidelity, commitment, what’s right and wrong, honesty, life goals, and lifestyle?
  • Does your significant other bring out the best in you, and you in him or her?
  • Are you physically attracted to this person?
  • Can you imagine growing old together?
  • Do your trusted family members and friends support your relationship and affirm that it’s healthy and respectful?
  • Do you experience ongoing conflict or, worse, violence and abuse in your relationship? That is a red flag to slow down and seek advice and help, ensuring your safety if necessary.
  • Is God calling you to marriage with this person? Have you prayed and discerned about this?

Is it necessary to feel “chemistry” between us for this to be the right person to marry?

Chemistry, or feeling like you “click” with another person, is a natural part of a deepening relationship, and a wonderful part of falling in love, but unfortunately, chemistry is sometimes confused with infatuation, which can be fleeting.

In the good sense, chemistry means you feel a strong physical and emotional attraction to the other person and want to become closer to him or her. You feel happy in his or her presence and enjoy your time together. This sense of unity and joy at the other’s presence can be a great foundation for a happy marriage.

In contrast, infatuation means you are consumed with thinking of the other person to the point of doing silly or risky actions to be together. You are blind to the faults of the other and consumed with being noticed by him or her. Your need to be liked is so strong that you are willing to give up your own personality or morals for the other’s affection. Often infatuation is an unequal relationship between the object of adulation and the infatuated person. If this describes your relationship, you may want to step back and reevaluate.

Doesn’t living together before marriage prevent me from marrying the wrong person and thus getting divorced later on?

Although it may sound counterintuitive, studies show that cohabiting couples:

  • Increase their risk of breaking up after marriage (46% higher divorce rate)
  • Increase the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children
  • Have lower levels of happiness and well-being compared to married couples

Why should I attend a marriage preparation program? We’ve known each other for a long time and can’t imagine we’d learn anything new.

You don’t have to discover all the things that make a marriage work by trial and error. Others have done some of that work for you. At a marriage prep program, you get a glimpse into other couples’ marriages so you can have a more realistic sense of what’s normal and what’s not, and you can get solid advice on how to have a happy, holy marriage.

Although every marriage relationship is unique, there are many tips experienced couples can share that will help you when you face bumps in your own marriage. Marriage preparation programs also give you an opportunity to talk with each other about the wide spectrum of “must-have conversations” before marriage. You’ve probably talked about most of them, but you may have avoided a few. This is a time to check yourselves.

Most likely you will find that you gain confidence in your decision to marry as a result of attending a marriage preparation program. Occasionally, attending a marriage preparation program can make you realize that it isn’t the right time to marry, or that this may not be the right person. That’s okay, because engagement is a time to discern marriage actively and intentionally.

How much income should we have between us to marry?

Many couples, especially younger ones, start their married lives together without a large income, and possibly with debt. This can be a challenge, but it shouldn’t necessarily delay marriage. There’s no magic number when it comes to the income and financial assets a couple should have before marrying, and bride and groom promise to be faithful “for richer” or “for poorer.” At the same time, it’s important to realize that financial hardship can cause conflict in a marriage, and to talk with each other about your plan for meeting your basic needs. Don’t be afraid to seek wise counsel if you’re not sure how you’ll make ends meet.

How much does a typical wedding cost?

Many wedding planners will tell you that the average wedding costs between $20,000-$30,000, but it definitely doesn’t have to! Although the ante has been rising as to what is considered “typical” for a wedding, simplicity can be elegant. Consider asking friends and family for help on your big day, having a smaller wedding if cost is a major concern, or researching inexpensive do-it-yourself alternatives. Don’t let the perceived cost of weddings keep you from saying “I do.” And remember, a wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime.

Second Marriages

The Catholic Church stands for lifelong marriage. Sometimes, however, couples are not able to achieve this ideal. Marriages break apart because of a spouse’s infidelity, addiction, or mental illness.

Sometimes, the couple thought they were mature enough to make a wise decision but were blinded by infatuation or youth. There are many reasons why marriages fail. They are personal and not easy to sort through.

The Church offers a process to help divorced men and women who entered into what they thought was a valid marriage at the time. After examining the evidence, the Church may find that some essential ingredient was missing from the very beginning. This process is called an annulment. When a man or woman receives an annulment, they are free to re-marry in the Catholic Church.

The issues facing couples entering a second marriage are more complex than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Preparation should be more comprehensive. Most dioceses offer specialized programs that include such topics as:

  • Lessons learned from a divorce
  • Ability not to let an idealized memory or loyalty to a deceased spouse block a new marriage
  • Assessment of “baggage” (bad habits, unresolved anger or guilt, self-defeating attitudes) from the previous marriage
  • Blending families, becoming instant step-parents
  • Mixing finances, pre-nuptial agreements to protect inheritances
  • Blending long-standing lifestyles

Contact your local Diocesan Family Life Office using the Find Catholic Marriage Support locator.

For Further Reading:

Must-Have Conversations

As a dating or engaged couple, conversation probably comes easily. The two of you enjoy talking about just anything. Just about anything that is, except ugly disagreements. This doesn’t change much in marriage except there are more things to disagree about. You can’t run away from prickly conversations – for long. If anything, marriage accentuates the mild differences you have while dating or engaged. They can become serious disagreements once the initial excitement of new love becomes the comfort of secure love.

Before you marry, consider “must have conversations” on these topics:

You’ve probably already talked about most of these topics – at least to some degree. Great! That should confirm your decision to marry.

But don’t avoid topics that might be sensitive. This is the time to face difficult conversations and make sure you are on the same page. You don’t have to agree on everything – just the important things. Use your time of courtship and engagement to explore the serious and controversial issues that are ahead of you. A marriage preparation program will help you to address these issues more thoroughly.

You may come to an impasse on an issue. That doesn’t mean you aren’t meant for each other. It does mean you should pause and study this issue more carefully. Perhaps it’s a sign you need to consult others with experience or expertise in the area.