Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Resolving Differences

The Situation

We have only been married a short time, and things are going pretty well between us, but something that concerns me is that we don’t really solve problems. One of us raises an issue, we talk about it a little, and then we let it drop. For instance, I think he watches too much TV. When I complain he says “sorry” and then just goes back to watching sports every night. He thinks I spend too much money on unnecessary things, so I just don’t show him the things I buy anymore.

What worries me is that eventually, when we have a real problem we can’t avoid, we won’t know how to deal with it. Are there any strategies for a couple like us to use?

A Response

Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, but you are smart to want to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. There’s no reason to assume that solving conflicts would come naturally. It’s a skill you learn and then practice, so that you develop “muscle memory,” a response that will come more easily when you are in a conflictual situation.

The first step in bringing up a problem is to start with an appreciation for the other person. In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work. You really make me feel like our future is secure because you have such a good work ethic.” This is the person you love and chose to marry so surely there is something in the situation that you appreciate or admire. Then move on to your view of the current situation. “I know when you come in you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example, your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?”

This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so I can’t share with you when that’s what you’re watching. We could watch a game show together, or a mystery, or a movie at least some of the time. I like all those things.”

Once he understands what your concern is, then you can work to find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch the game; the next, the two of you can watch a movie of your choosing.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much. He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget. She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. There are many different solutions. The right one is the one that feels fair and comfortable to the two of you.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended–those situations would be harder to deal with.

That kind of conflict requires one person to apologize, which is another habit worth cultivating. Apologizing is not the casual “sorry” that doesn’t have any real contrition behind it. A real apology is an admission that something has happened to offend the other person. It means taking responsibility for one’s actions and making a plan to see that it will not happen again. Apologizing comes as a result of a conversation that allows the injured party to express how hurtful the incident was. These are not easy conversations, but they do allow the air to be cleared.

The other side of apologizing is forgiving. When an honest conversation has taken place, and one person has truly apologized, the onus is on the other person to offer forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is every bit as important as saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it. Marriage Encounter has an expression, “No Museum Keeping,” which means that if an offense has been forgiven, it is wiped off the record and cannot be brought up again. That doesn’t mean that if a similar issue comes up it can’t be addressed again. It just means that the prior offense cannot be revisited.

Big conflicts don’t come along frequently in most marriages. Small ones happen all the time, so these new skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the best tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened, and ready for use.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME, and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing From Pornography Use And Addiction

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

“Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” (Psalm 51:2, RSVCE)

Striving for a Clean Heart
We are made for love. Each of us is created in the image of God, who is love (1 Jn 4:8), and we are given the vocation of love and communion. Jesus Christ, through his life, Death, and Resurrection, revealed the fullest meaning of love as a sacrificial gift of self. He offered up his body for his bride, the Church (Eph 5:25-26). We are each called to imitate this Christ-like love, including in the exercise of our sexuality as men and women.

But we all struggle to love well and chastely. Living our vocation to love brings the daily challenge of recognizing the beauty of each person we encounter. Today more than ever, maintaining a “clean heart” is difficult for everyone. We are bombarded with sexualized images all the time, and pornography is only a click away. Many good men and women struggle with pornography use. Often they are longing to be loved, to experience joy, or to find relief from the difficulties of life. But what is presented as liberating, euphoric, and fulfilling ends up creating frustration, emptiness, and shame. Pornography, and the masturbation that usually accompanies it, can become addictive behaviors (see sidebar). Using pornography impacts the whole person, body and soul, and thus healing is needed for the mind, the emotions, one’s relationships, and the spiritual dimensions of the person.

It is important to remember that no matter what you have done, you retain your dignity as a son or daughter of God, loved by the Father. What sin has disintegrated, grace can reunite and make whole. Thanks be to God for his great gifts of mercy and healing!

Pornography and Women
Pornography has been traditionally viewed as a man’s issue, but there are a growing number of women who use pornography or are addicted to it. Though it is not the same for all, women may initially seek out online social interaction as a way of experiencing romance. Some women are introduced to pornography by a boyfriend or husband and then become ensnared. It is likely that the Internet has facilitated the rapid acceleration of women using pornography, providing more anonymity and accessibility. The Internet offers a “safer” version of experimentation for women who may have been used or hurt in past relationships. Women, too, need help to find freedom from pornography.

What Constitutes Addiction?
How can you tell if you or someone you love has an addiction to pornography? A simple time-tested definition of addiction relies on the presence of four characteristics:

  • Powerlessness or a loss of control; failure to resist the impulse to use pornography and continuing despite efforts to stop
  • Progression can be an escalation in frequency and amount of viewing, lying to others as well as engaging in more risky behaviors both on and off-line, such as accessing pornography at work
  • Preoccupation with sexual thoughts, fantasies, and acquiring sexual material
  • Pain or despair as a result of pornography use or its consequences

Addiction fools the mind of the affected person into not recognizing the gravity of the situation. If you or someone you love has been compulsively viewing pornography over an extended period of time, despite efforts to stop, it is best to seek advice from a counselor trained in understanding and healing addiction.

Where to Start
In order to change any behavior or attitude, you must take full responsibility for doing something about it. Many people have the desire to change but are not entirely willing to do so. It is often more comfortable to allow a problem to continue than to exercise a solution. The first step toward healing is a sincere willingness to take the steps that are needed, even if they are uncomfortable.

Cultivating chastity takes work . . . It is a lifelong task and a daily choice. Be patient, persevere, and do not be discouraged. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 22

Having a vision for why you want to break free from pornography is also very helpful. For example, seeking freedom could be motivated by the desire to save your marriage, live with integrity, or fulfill your role as a father or mother. Pain is often an initial motivator. The journey toward purity is like climbing a mountain, and we don’t want to stop short. We want to reach the summit and receive the abundant joy and peace God has for us.

Healing the Mind
In order to break free from attachment to pornography, it is important to understand the neurological aspects of pornography use and addiction, and to counter negative thought patterns.

At a neurological level, our brains become attached to viewing pornography because sexual arousal stimulates dopamine in the brain, a neuro-chemical that promotes connection with activities that bring us joy or a sense of satisfaction.1 In the case of viewing pornography, we are training our brains to respond to and enjoy an image or fantasy, not a real person. But since the brain does not differentiate between imaginary and real, it is flooded with the same neuro-chemicals as produced by real sexual intimacy. In fact, the types of images found in pornography cause over-stimulation of the brain, which then wants to repeat the activity and is “triggered” by anything associated with it (being home alone, the computer turning on, etc.). Eventually, repeated over-stimulation caused by viewing pornography decreases our ability to experience normal levels of pleasure and reduces the brain’s ability to regulate impulse and mood.2

The good news is that our brains are more changeable, or plastic, than we may have realized. It takes time, effort, and support, but it is possible to heal the neurological damage caused by viewing pornography. A good way forward is to abstain from all behaviors that lead to sexual stimulation for an initial month. (Support and accountability is needed here.) During this time, it can be helpful to reduce caffeine intake and increase non-media-based activities like exercise. It is helpful to journal about emotions and situations that were “triggers” for pornography use, and to talk with others for additional insight. Eventually, over the course of thirty to sixty days, our brains begin to heal from the over-stimulation caused by pornography and many of the former triggers are felt less intensely.

It is also important to examine one’s beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. The cycle of pornography use and addiction is perpetuated by distorted views of one’s self and others and is fueled by shame.3 Distorted thinking includes an avoidance of facing negative emotions and using denial tactics such as blaming, rationalizing, and minimizing. Other common attitudes that need to be examined and healed are self-centeredness or narcissism, self-pity, and being manipulative. A good goal is to be aware of your negative or distorted beliefs and counter them with the truth that God made you, loves you, and desires for you to be free from sexual compulsion. Often counseling or a support group is a significant help here.

Healing Relationships
Pornography can cause significant harm to a person’s relationships. Viewing pornography changes how men and women see each other. It takes time away from one’s relationships and can cause serious hurt and betrayal when discovered by a spouse or loved one. At the same time, men and women who struggle with pornography use may have unhealed relational wounds or problematic ways of interacting with others that led them to seek intimacy in pornography in the first place. For example, some families of addicted men or women had unwritten rules such as “don’t show emotions” or “deal with your problems alone,” which prevented the development of a healthy sense of cohesion and intimacy in the family. For some people, the fear of being known—and possibly rejected—leads to hiding aspects of one’s self, avoiding intimacy, or trying to control relationships.

Relational healing takes place in many ways, but being accountable to others is one of the best starting points. Accountability can include the use of monitoring or filtering software, but it is much more than that. Accountability involves humbly giving oneself over to the guidance of others who have more experience and have reached a deeper level of freedom from pornography. Joining a group of men or women who support each other on the journey toward purity can be very helpful. A counselor, spiritual director, or mentor can also play an important role by offering feedback and insight to help a person engage in healthy relationships and recognize his or her relational deficits, such as insecurity, approval-seeking, need for control, self-pity, etc. These need to be healed because they may make a person vulnerable to pornography use. True intimacy with others, as opposed to the illusory intimacy promised by pornography, allows a person to share his or her life, emotions, and joys with another person. This is the kind of communion we were all made for.

Spiritual Healing
Finally, using pornography has profound effects on a person’s spiritual life and damages his or her relationship with God. Someone caught in the cycle of habitual pornography use often feels distant from God and even unforgivable. Confessing one’s sins is a powerful practice that can help one receive healing. At the human level, honestly disclosing your struggles and sins to other people in order to seek their help can be beneficial. For example, mutual confession within the context of a supportive group can help men and women grow in humility and be accountable to one another. At the sacramental level, the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation communicates God’s healing grace. This sacrament forgives sin through God’s abundant mercy, breaks the cycle of shame, and offers graces for protection from future sin. Regular confession is a source of strength for men and women seeking to live pure, chaste lives and embrace God’s plan for love and sexuality, a plan that leads to human flourishing.

Forgiveness, too, is important to the process of spiritual healing. When a person admits the reality of his or her pornography use, the harm caused by it starts to become clear. It is important for a person to address and make amends for the harm that was caused. In turn, when the person who is seeking freedom offers forgiveness to others, this activates God’s healing grace in all their lives.

Do not let the obstacles of denial, shame, fear, despair, or pride keep you from relying on the Lord’s grace. Believe in the power of God. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 21

Healing Is Possible
Recovering the purity of a “clean heart” involves healing and integrating various dimensions of the person. Breaking free from the hold of pornography requires the ability to make radical, concrete lifestyle changes. This work is ongoing, and healing is possible through the support of other men and woman also striving toward purity and through the generous mercy of Christ. It is never too late to seek help and find the freedom to live your vocation of chaste, life-giving love.

For more information, including the full text of Create in Me a Clean Heart and a list of support services for those seeking to stop pornography use, please visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Notes
1 N. D. Volkow, et. al., “Addiction: Decreased Reward Sensitivity and Increased Expectation Sensitivity Conspire to Overwhelm the Brain’s Control Circuit,” Bioessays 32:9 (2010): 748-55.

2 William M. Struthers, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2009).

3 J. Brian Bransfield, Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).

About the author
Daniel Spadaro, MA, LPC, is a mental health counselor and founder of Imago Dei Counseling in Colorado Springs.

About this article
“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing from Pornography Use and Addiction was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Quote from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright 1989, 1993, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Lenten Resolutions for Married Couples, Inspired by Pope Francis

Are you wondering how to grow in holiness this Lent, together with your spouse? Try following some advice from the Pope! In his homilies and addresses, Pope Francis has spoken quite directly about how husband and wife should treat each other, about prayer within the family, and other ways the family lives its identity as a “domestic Church.” So this Lent, why not commit with your spouse to try one of the following Lenten resolutions, based on words from the Holy Father?

1. Be courteous to your spouse. Use polite requests: “May I? Can I?” For example, “Would you like for us to do this?” and “Do you want to go out tonight?”

“To ask permission means to know how to enter with courtesy into the lives of others. …True love does not impose itself harshly and aggressively.” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014.)

2. Say “thank you” to your spouse. “It seems so easy to say these words, but we know that it is not. But it is important! … It is important to keep alive the awareness that the other person is a gift from God – and for the gifts of God we say thank you!” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

3. Ask forgiveness from your spouse. Say, “I’m sorry.”

“Let us learn to acknowledge our mistakes and to ask to forgiveness. ‘Forgive me if today I raised my voice’; ‘I’m sorry if I passed without greeting you’; ‘excuse me if I was late’.” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

“Never let the sun go down without making peace! Never, never, never!” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

“It is important to have the courage to ask forgiveness when we are at fault in the family.” (Address to Participants in the Pilgrimage of Families, Rome, Oct. 26, 2013)

4. Pray together with your spouse and family.

“Praying the Our Father together, around the table, is not something extraordinary: it’s easy. And praying the Rosary together, as a family, is very beautiful and a source of great strength! And also praying for one another! The husband for his wife, the wife for her husband, both together for their children, the children for their grandparents…praying for each other. This is what it means to pray in the family and it is what makes the family strong: prayer.” (Homily for Family Day, Rome, Oct. 27, 2013)

Pray to the Lord to “multiply your love and give it to you fresh and good each day.” Pray together, “Lord, give us this day our daily love.” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

5. Visit the elderly, especially your grandparents. “Grandparents are like the wisdom of the family, they are the wisdom of a people. … Listen to your grandparents.” (Address to Participants in the Pilgrimage of Families, Rome, Oct. 26, 2013)

“How important grandparents are for family life, for passing on the human and religious heritage which is so essential for each and every society!” (Angelus at World Youth Day, Rio de Janeiro, July 26, 2013)

6. Share the faith with others. “Christian families are missionary families. …They are missionary also in everyday life, in their doing everyday things, as they bring to everything the salt and the leaven of faith!” (Homily for Family Day, Rome, Oct. 27, 2013)

About the author
Bethany Meola is the former Assistant Director of the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth. She hopes to grow in holiness during Lent with her husband, Dan.

Domestic Violence

What’s the difference between normal conflict and domestic violence? Conflict is part of every intimate relationship–that’s why conflict resolution skills are important. Domestic violence, however, has no place in a healthy relationship, whether the couple is dating, cohabiting, engaged, or married.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses, or threatens to use, to control an intimate partner. The two key elements are threat and control. Domestic violence can take various forms:

Physical – Violent actions such as hitting, beating, pushing, and kicking. In many cases physical abuse becomes more frequent and severe over time.

Sexual – Includes any sexual acts that are forced on one partner by the other

Psychological – Includes a wide range of behaviors such as intimidation, isolating the victim from friends and family, controlling where the victim goes, making the victim feel guilty or crazy, and making unreasonable demands

Emotional – Undermining an individual’s self-esteem, constant criticism, insults, put-downs, and name-calling

Economic – Examples include limiting the victim’s access to family income, preventing the victim from working or forcing the victim to work, destroying the victim’s property, and making all the financial decisions

Both women and men can be victims of domestic abuse. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline statistics, approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men over the age of 18 have been the victim of physical domestic violence, and almost 50% of both sexes have experienced some form of domestic psychological aggression.

Characteristics of victims

  • Female, although men can also experience domestic violence
  • Younger, often in their 20’s and 30’s
  • More likely to be dating or cohabiting than married
  • Nearly half live in households with children

Why do women stay?

Women often stay with their abusers because of fear. They are afraid that the abuser will become more violent if they try to leave. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot make it on their own.

Some abused women believe that the abuse is their fault. They think that they can stop the abuse if they just act differently. Some cannot admit that they are abused women. Others feel pressured to stay in the relationship. They may feel cut off from social support and resources. Abused women often feel that they are alone, and have no where to turn for help.

Why do men batter?

Abusive men come from all walks of life. They may be successful in their career and respected in their church and community. Abusive men often share some common characteristics. They tend to be jealous, possessive and easily angered.

Many abusive men believe that women are inferior. They believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.

Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening or they minimize it. They may blame their partner for the abuse, saying, “You made me do this.”

Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two different problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must be treated.

What the Catholic Church teaches about domestic violence

The U.S. Catholic Bishops have made clear that “violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form- physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal is sinful; often it is a crime as well.” (When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women)

WHERE TO FIND HELP

For abused persons

  • Believe that you are not alone. Help is available for you and your children.
  • Talk in confidence to someone you trust: a relative, friend, pastor or family doctor
  • If you choose to stay in the situation, set up a plan of action to ensure your safety. This includes hiding a car key, personal documents, and some money in a safe place and locating somewhere to go in an emergency. For more information about safety planning go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to local sources of help in all 50 states. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

For those who abuse

  • Admit that the abuse is your problem, not your partner’s. Begin to believe that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so.
  • Be willing to reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust who can help you to evaluate the situation. Contact Catholic Charities or other church or community agencies for the name of a program for offenders.
  • Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for information about where to find help.

 

Domestic violence and the permanence of marriage

Some abused women believe that Catholic Church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Catholic Church.

In When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women, the Catholic bishops emphasize that “no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage.” Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. The abuser has already broken the marriage covenant through his or her abusive behavior. Abused persons who have divorced may want to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment.

What the Bible says

Abusive men may take a text from the Bible and distort it to support their right to batter. They often use Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord”) to justify their behavior. This passage (v. 21-33), however, refers to the mutual submission of husband and wife out of love for Christ. It means that husbands should love their wives as they love their own body, as Christ loves the Church.

The Catholic bishops condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. Men and women are created in God’s image. They are to treat each other with dignity and respect.

Forgiveness

Men who batter also cite the Bible to insist that their victims forgive them (see, for example, Matthew 6:9-15). A victim then feels guilty if she cannot do so. Forgiveness, however, does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending that it didn’t happen. Neither is possible.

Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. Rather, forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience, to move on with life and not to tolerate abuse of any kind again.

Resources

For Further Reading:

Lent: Spring Cleaning for the Soul

On the first day of Lent, Ash Wednesday, hundreds of millions of Catholics and other Christians receive ashes on their foreheads in churches all over the world.

Why ashes? Since Old Testament times, ashes have been used as a symbol of mortality. When ashes are placed on our foreheads we hear the words: “Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.” It’s a reminder that the world that often seems so important to us at this moment is passing and we need to give more thought to what lies at the end: eternal life.

Ashes are also a sign of our need to do penance, a heartfelt acknowledgment we are sinners. To many in the modern world, the very concept of sin seems old-fashioned. Yet sin is part of our human nature.

If you intentionally hurt a good friend, whether you are religious or not, something deep inside of you tells you that you need to say you’re sorry. What’s more, whether you say it out loud to your friend, or just think it to yourself, you’ll resolve not to hurt her again. But chances are good that someday you will. And that is quite similar to the all-too-human cycle of sin and sorrow and conversion and sinning again.

As the Church points out, we are all sinners and we all need repentance. Lent gives us a chance during a special time of the year to do just that.

The word “Lent” comes from an old English word for springtime. Think of it as a form of spring cleaning for the soul. In the early years of the Church it was confined to a few days before Easter. But by the fourth century it was extended to forty days before Easter, a period associated with the forty days and nights that Jesus spent in the desert just after his baptism.

“Forty days before Easter” may be somewhat misleading. The Church doesn’t count Sundays among the forty days, so the period of Lent, lasting from Ash Wednesday through Holy Saturday, actually covers 46 days.

Whether 40 days or 46 days, in the great scope of things Lent is a momentary pause to rethink the fundamental purpose of our lives. But it can also be the occasion of a momentous conversion, a first step on the path of becoming the persons we were always meant to be.

Next: Lenten practices

Help for Empty Nesters

While some couples look at the “empty nest” as a second honeymoon, it will end and couples will face the challenges of reinventing their marriage for the second half. For many, this can be a hard time on their marriage. Why?

First, most couples at this point are exhausted and their marriage may be on the back burner. You may be emotionally drained and feel disconnected from your spouse. Second, all those things you’ve been postponing are just waiting for you, thus the tendency is to “get busy” and avoid facing the challenges of this new stage of marriage.

We decided to research this stage of marriage, put together our own national survey, and began what has become a 20-year journey to help us and other empty nest couples reinvent their marriages.

Empty Nest First Aid Tips

• Slow down and get some rest! Take a nap. Go to bed at 8 p.m. Sleep around the clock. You’ll never be able to refocus on your marriage until your life comes back into focus.

• Celebrate! You made it through the active parenting years. Although it is not at all uncommon to become aware of some sense of loss and regret at this time of life, you can counter any of those sentiments by promoting a strong sense of celebration for where you have come and of excitement about your future. Go out to dinner. Have some fun. Have a great date.

• Acknowledge that this is a time of transition. Say to each other, “Things are changing right now and that’s okay.” Change can bring out insecurities that are festering below the surface. Just acknowledging that things are changing can help with the transition. Transitional times can be stressful but they also give you the opportunity to redefine your relationship and to find new fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.

• Resist making immediate decisions about your future until you have some perspective. Realize that things are changing and that you can change with them – but you need to take it slowly. Unfortunately, some spouses who are disappointed with their marriage bolt right out of the relationship as soon as the last kid leaves home. This is a time when the divorce rate soars. Give yourself time to get to know each other again and to revitalize your relationship. Don’t accept new responsibilities for at least three months.

• Plan an empty nest getaway. Go off together. Talk about what is great about your relationship and the areas that needed work. Make a commitment to work on the weak areas and reinvent your marriage.

Empty Nest Challenges

Once you’ve made it through the initial transition into the empty nest, you need to surmount the long term challenges of the second half of your marriage. In our Second Half of Marriage program we look at eight challenges of the empty nest years including the following:

• Let go of the past and forgive one another. Let go of past marital disappointments, missed expectations, and unrealized dreams. You need to forgive each other and choose to make the best of the rest. You may even want to make a list of things you will never do or will never do again. But then make a list of things you want to do in the future.

• Create a partner-focused marriage. In the past you may have focused on your kids and your job. Now is your opportunity to focus on your marriage. You can build a closer more personal relationship in the second half of life. In the first half of marriage we tend to live our lives in response to circumstances such as parenting and career demands. In the second half of marriage you aren’t as controlled by your circumstances and have the freedom to reinvest in your relationship.

• A gender role shift often takes place at this time of life. Men become more nurturing. Women, who generally have been more responsible for the kids, now become more expansive and may choose to go back to school, get a real estate license, or start a new career. It can seem like you are moving in opposite directions, but on a continuum you are actually moving closer to the center. Realizing this can help you capitalize on it and refocus on each other.

• Energize your love life. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Our surveys suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with the number of years married. Your love life in the empty nest can be better than in the parenting years. Look for ways to romance your mate. Think of your love life as a stroll, not a sprint. Enjoy the slower pace. If medical issues arise, be willing to talk to your doctor. Often help is available.

• Adjust to changing roles with adult children and aging parents. Just as you need to release your children, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time your parents are aging and perhaps beginning to experience health problems. Whatever your situation, the relationship with your adults kids and parents affects your marriage. The key is to keep your marriage relationship the anchor relationship. You can handle stress much better when you know one other person understands how you feel. You can’t go back and change your family history, but you can change the future. You can forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.

• Connect with other empty nest couples and encourage them in their marriages. Consider starting your own empty nest group or becoming mentors for a younger couple. Volunteer to start a marriage program in your parish or community. For a wealth of great programs see www.smartmarriages.com.

The empty nest years of your marriage can be a time of incredible fulfillment, no matter what challenges you previously faced. You can reinvent your relationship, renew your friendship, and create a vision for the rest of your marriage.

This article is adapted by the authors from their books “The Second Half of Marriage” and “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.” It originally appeared in Family Perspectives Journal (Summer 2010), a publication of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. Used with permission.

Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage

On our 25th wedding anniversary, Neil and I celebrated with our faith community at Mass. By chance the Gospel was the parable of the prodigal son, but it probably wasn’t chance at all! This story is often applied to parents and children, but as I listened, I heard our journey in marriage.

I remembered one of our sons saying that the father didn’t just happen to be on the hill that day, that he went out every day and watched the road, waiting to forgive. In many ways this is what happens in marriage. We become road watchers. Marriage involves waiting, sometimes through real or emotional distance, sometimes through deep hurts, and it calls us to seek and offer forgiveness. Marriage asks that we not take forgiving for granted, but instead that we celebrate when it happens. Love demands that we stand by the road every day watching for each other, welcoming each other home.

At that Mass, I listened to Fr. Rich talk about forgiveness in the Gospel, and I realized that being married to Neil had taught me to stand in a place of forgiveness. In fact, reconcilication is the most critical work of the first years of marriage, and if a couple does it well, it becomes the work and the gift of a lifetime.

One of the graces present in the sacrament of marriage is the grace of healing and forgiveness. When we come to marriage we each bring our histories – healed or broken, reflected upon or repressed – to our life together. Our vocation is to help each other become fully human. This means finding a way to share hurts, to risk allowing the other person to know us so intimately that we are willing to open up old wounds and allow God to heal them through each other. Marriage at its best creates a safe space where healing and forgiveness can take place. It offers the possibility of having a companion to share the journey, someone to will help us to dig a litter deeper, to reflect more fully.

One of the best parts of being forgiven is the freedom it brings. Jesus taught us to ask for forgiveness when he taught us to pray. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” invites God to forgive us as we forgive.

Another way to look at it is to say, loose the cords that bind us as we have released the strands we hold of another’s guilt. In marriage we can hold each other fast, or we can release each other to grow toward wholeness. It is always a choice!

Early in our marriage, Neil and I didn’t know how to free each other. We had grown up in homes where feelings were not shared, and where reconciling was difficult. In my home it was not safe to express anger. In Neil’s home disagreement could lead to estrangement. Because we brought these broken places to our marriage, we found ourselves unable to have healthy conflict and to move to reconciliation. Our joy in each other changed to distance, and living together became a strain. I wanted to leave, but I was too scared, so I picked fights, threw tantrums, and in general made Neil’s life miserable. One evening I asked him, “Why do you put up with this? Why don’t you just leave?” Neil grabbed my arms and said, “Don’t you know, you are worth waiting for?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was worth much at all. But Neil seemed to think so, and somewhere deep inside I felt hope. And hope, once the cords are loosed, will grow. Neil gave me a gift of forgiveness with his words, and with that gift I could begin to forgive myself. And it is a gift that keeps on giving.

When our second son was going through a rough time in his teens, he yelled at me, “Why do you and Dad put up with me? Why don’t you throw me out?” I heard myself in those words, and I hear Neil in my response,“Don’t you know you are worth waiting for?” The gift had come full circle. When we are forgiven and healed we are able to see our true selves, the beloved of God, and because we know it, we can share it.

Because of the things that Neil and I encountered on our road together, I have learned to forgive myself, my parents, uncontrolled events, God, our children, and Neil.

A friend of mine says that the concept of “forgive and forget” comes from chivalry, not from Scripture, and she described forgiving this way: “You know you have forgiven when you can remember the incident but not relive the feelings.”

I would add one more piece to her definition: You have forgiven when you are able to bless the incident. It is easy to bless the good things in life, but when I remember the times I have been hurt and am able to see the blessing that came from it, I know I have been healed. It is in the blessing that the pain becomes a gift.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Forgiveness Fundamentals

Every marriage has conflict and hurts; that’s a constant. It’s what we do with those hurts that varies. Christ desires that we forgive those hurts and allow the Holy Spirit to heal and bring new life into our marriages.

Here are some forgiveness fundamentals that we hope will be helpful for your marriage.

Forgiveness is a paradox

Forgiveness is tricky; it is both a decision and a process. It is a decision because it involves using our will and intellect to decide to forgive. It is not a feeling; we need to decide to forgive. Yet it is also a process because we have a right to work through the hurt with somebody who is helpful and will validate our feelings (a good friend, a priest, a therapist, etc). Do not wait to feel like you need to forgive because that may never happen. That said, if you have a very hard time forgiving, the very first place to start is prayer: ask God for the grace to decide to forgive as you process the hurts with somebody you trust.

Forgiveness does not excuse

Forgiving somebody does not, in any way, excuse the hurt that was done. It is a decision to let go of retribution and to allow God to begin to heal. When we let go of the hurt, God can start to redeem it and bring good from it.

Use rituals to forgive and heal

Many individuals and couples love to privately write down all their hurts and then safely burn the paper in order to grieve and let go of these hurts. If you choose to do this, watch the ritual. The ash is a different substance from the paper (a chemical change). And ash can be used as fertilizer! This is exactly what God wants to do with our hurts as well. God will turn our hurts into good when we give them over to God. But if we hold onto our hurts too much, God respects our free will and may not be able to transform them into the new life God wants for us.

You have a right to your justified anger

You do not have a right to take that anger out on yourself, your loved ones, or your spouse. Think of an “anger bottle” or “anger safe.” Place all your daily anger in this space and tell it that you will get to it later that day. Then when you are able, set aside time to journal your anger out, talk it out, exercise it out, pray it out, etc. When you exercise and start to sweat, that is when you open your “anger bottle” up and let go of the anger, harness the anger. As a member of the Body of Christ you have dominion over your anger and your hurt. You own it and you can use it for the good; it doesn’t own you.

Forgive and forget…not!

I am not sure who coined the phrase “forgive and forget” but only God is fully capable of that, and even God forgives and redeems (brings good from it). When it comes to understanding forgiveness it is good to understand how God made us. Women have larger hippocampi compared to men. The hippocampus is a structure in the brain that is connected to memory. Women remember differently (think 70 inch HDTV)! Men usually remember in much less detail (think black and white stick figures). As a therapist, Jim has heard this from so many couples over the years:

(wife): “Jim, I can’t forget this thing he did.” (husband): “Jim, I can’t remember what she can’t forget.” Both have been correct because of biology. Don’t even try to forgive and forget. It doesn’t work biologically.

Learn to forgive yourself

After you ask forgiveness from God and the person you offended, it can be very freeing to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself: “I forgive you.” If you do this use your first name and listen to your words of comfort. This has been a wonderfully freeing ritual for many people.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation

Catholics have the powerful Sacrament of Reconciliation, if they’re willing to use it. The wisdom of Father Pio (the twentieth century stigmatist) summed it up well: Even clean rooms need frequent dusting. Yes, our marriages need cleaning and dusting and the grace of the sacrament of reconciliation is a powerful way to open up our souls to the Holy Spirit’s refreshing life.

About the author
Maureen Otremba, M.A, and James Otremba, M.Div, M.S., LICSW offer marriage workshops and retreats for parishes and dioceses. To learn more go to: http://www.eucharisticmarriage.com/.

© 2010, The Foundational Intimacy: Eucharist as the Model for Marriage Workshop. Used with permission.

Stages of Growth in Marriage

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic. This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise. God feels very close and responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings. They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance. Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes. Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into either/or, right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God.

Additional Challenges and Stages

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

About the author
Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Studies at Loyola University in Chicago and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

How To Strengthen Your Marriage After Porn Addiction

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is critical in healing the marriage damaged by cybersex or pornography use,” the Bennetts write. Although forgiveness is difficult and will take time, it is important for the spouse who used porn to ask for forgiveness and to acknowledge the pain he has caused his wife and family. He should patiently allow his wife to air her feelings as much as she needs, and he should be completely honest in discussing his addiction and answering all questions. He must accept responsibility for his actions and not shift any blame onto his spouse. “Professional help, spiritual guidance, and a program for life that shows a radical commitment to addressing this problem makes forgiveness possible,” they write.

Addressing faulty beliefs

Dr. Patrick Carnes identified four beliefs that reinforce sex addictions:

  • I am basically a bad, unworthy person;
  • No one would love me as I am;
  • My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others;
  • Sex is my most important need.

“These beliefs must be rejected, but they have to be acknowledged and confronted first, and one may need help in defeating them,” say the Bennetts.

Improving communication

Better communication will not solve every problem, but it is a great tool for addressing the emotional distance created by sex addiction and may require the guidance of a professional therapist. “The couple may have to learn new skills fostering cooperation, understanding, openness and consideration in order to replace the existing defensiveness and repression,” they write.

Intimacy

“Intimacy depends upon openness, and that implies vulnerability,” write the Bennetts. Vulnerability requires trust, but trust and self-worth are severely damaged by sex addictions. The need to rebuild intimacy goes beyond sexual intimacy: The Bennetts identify other key areas of intimacy in need of healing as emotional, recreational, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy.

Humility

Humility lays the foundation for self-knowledge, love and forgiveness. “By strengthening our prayer and spiritual life, we should grow in humility, which in turn will strengthen our ability to love and thereby our marriage,” they write.

Respect and affection

“It is necessary to discuss problems and ill feelings,” and it is a mistake to try to “get back to normal” by avoiding conflict in an effort to minimize problems. Such lack of communication only creates distance between husband and wife. Here, too, a professional marriage therapist may be helpful, the Bennetts say.

About the authors
Dr. Arthur and Laraine Bennett are authors of The Temperament God Gave You and The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse (Sophia Institute Press).