Tag Archives: Finances

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

Read more Marriage Rx prescriptions.

Try a Five-Point Tune-Up For Your Marriage

At the end of each summer, my husband and I receive a letter that urges us to have our heating system checked before the Fall. It’s usually slipped through the mail slot on an oppressive August day, when more warmth is the last thing I’m thinking about it. But I realize the wisdom of preventive maintenance now, before a breakdown occurs.

Marriages, too, benefit from preventive maintenance. Do you need to discuss a stressful issue before it erupts? Are you looking for an activity or two to rejuvenate your marriage? The end of summer is a good time to plan for marriage maintenance, before the busyness of Fall kicks in. Here’s a five-point list to get started:

  • Talk Turkey. Thanksgiving (and Christmas) turkey, that is. Where will you be spending the holidays? Do you turn into jugglers, trying to balance the expectations of both sets of in-laws? If the two of you agree on a plan now, you’ll be ready to deal with the situation in a way that’s fair to everyone. An added advantage: If you’re flying for the holidays, you’ll be able to shop early for cheaper air fares and the dates you want.
  • Fall for each other—again. Fun fall getaways abound, everything from pumpkin patches and apple-picking to colorful college football games and tailgate parties. Get out your calendars now and pencil in a few dates. Don’t forget that romantic drive to view the fall foliage.
  • Show me the money. The last quarter of the year can bring higher household expenses, including costs associated with the holidays. Can your budget handle it? Be prepared by reviewing your financial status and making any needed adjustments to your spending and saving.
  • Go back to school. Maybe not literally, but Fall is an excellent time to learn a new skill or try a new activity. Check out the offerings from your local public school system or community college. Read the parish bulletin or website to see what’s being planned. Sign up—finally!—to walk for your favorite cause. Learning or doing something new, especially if you do it together, can enrich your marriage. If you decide on different activities, share your experiences with your spouse and bring a new dimension to your marriage.
  • Get fit—spiritually. Summer often means a break from routine. Have you let your spiritual practices slide over the past couple months? Rather than become discouraged, make a September resolution to improve. Schedule time for prayer and spiritual reading, even if it’s only a few minutes. Consider setting aside time to pray with your spouse (see Who Me, Pray?…With Her?). Bring closure to the summer by celebrating the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

How Much Does it Cost to Marry in the Church?

How much does it cost to get married in the Catholic Church?

Actually, nothing. Sacraments are not for sale. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (#2121) makes clear that the First Commandment forbids simony, which is the buying or selling of sacred things.

It’s appropriate, however, for the bride and groom to share their joy and, in generosity, to contribute to the support of the Church and its ministers. The donations and stipends associated with a wedding fall into three categories:

1. Donation to the church. Traditionally, the couple makes a donation to the church in which they are married. Sometimes an amount—or a range—is suggested, but often it’s left to the discretion of the couple. If the bride or groom or both are registered parishioners, the suggested amount may be minimal, or none. The assumption is that they are already supporting the parish with their regular financial contributions.

Some couples marry in a historic chapel or church. Keep in mind that wedding donations can be an important source of support for older buildings.

Couples should ask about the suggested donation if it is not specified in the written marriage policy. A helpful rule of thumb is to consider the donation in relation to the total amount spent on the wedding. In no case, however, should financial circumstances prevent a couple from approaching the Church for marriage.

2. Music ministers and others. In addition to an organist, weddings may feature instrumentalists, a cantor, and other singers. Musicians’ fees are often explained in the parish’s marriage policy, or they can be discussed when the couple meets with the music director.

If the celebration includes a Mass, altar servers should be given a small offering.

3. Celebrant’s stipend. The services of the priest or deacon are free, but it is customary to offer a stipend. Usually, no specific amount is suggested. Couples may want to consider not only the time devoted to the rehearsal and wedding but also the effort put into the marriage preparation process.

A final note

Donations and stipends should be placed in clearly marked envelopes and given to the intended recipient. Celebrants are not usually expected to distribute the stipends.

Some parishes require that certain fees be paid in advance, for example, a deposit to confirm the date or the musician’s fee. Any remaining donations and stipends should be taken care of prior to the wedding day.

Married Couples and the Challenge of Military Service

You are about to enter a union which is most sacred and serious, an image of Christ and the Church.” Generations of couples heard those words of the Exhortation Before Marriage found in the ritual for the Sacrament of Marriage as celebrated before the Second Vatican Council. Indeed, from the very beginning, Almighty God endowed the union between man and woman with a mission and blessed their commitment to each other. The Lord Jesus Christ raised that union to a sacrament and entrusted to Christian married couples the duty to mirror the love of Christ for his Church.

The calling to the Sacrament of Matrimony is so noble, yet it is currently challenged on many fronts, especially for military families in this time of war, deployment, and suffering. The active-duty chaplains who serve our men and women in uniform and those who minister in the hospitals of the Veterans Health Administration will confirm that one of the most serious by-products of the wars in the Middle East are the burdens placed on families. These burdens are a price that we will pay for generations to come. The weakening of matrimony and family life that results ultimately weakens our society and jeopardizes our future.

Post-Traumatic Stress

Certainly, a significant factor causing the pain that a marriage experiences after deployment is post-traumatic stress. Many of those who have served in the war zone suffer from this stress, which is related to traumatic experiences. However, some have speculated that almost everyone who has served in a war zone has suffered or suffers from some degree of post-traumatic stress.

Post-traumatic stress is not a new problem. Since the Civil War, various expressions have been used to describe the changes that affect a member of the military who has seen combat. “Shell-shocked” was the expression used after World War I, and “battle fatigue” was used after World War II.

What are the symptoms? Sufferers might have distressing recollections, nightmares, and flashbacks to events in the war zone. They may have seen comrades violently killed. They may have experienced an explosion at close quarters. They try to keep the event from their minds and at the same time avoid activities that used to bring them pleasure. They can feel detached and unable to love anyone. Sleep may become a challenge, which results in increased irritability, outbursts of anger, and an exaggerated concept of how much vigilance is necessary. It all stems from a lack of trust, because trust has been betrayed. If one or more of these symptoms persist longer than a month or two, then the person is clearly suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

It is not hard to imagine the effects on the sufferer’s family. After having experienced the hardship of separation, they find themselves reunited with a spouse who seems like a stranger to them. Tension can result from the simplest situations of everyday life. Misunderstandings are common. The communion of life, which describes marriage, suffers considerably.

For a variety of reasons, many of those who are afflicted do not seek help. Many might still be on active duty and are therefore reluctant to admit their need. They may fear discharge, which in the current economic situation could easily mean unemployment. Others, no longer on active duty, may worry about possible harm to their post-service career. Many, too, do not realize that they have been changed. They are unaware that something has happened. As is so easily the case, they blame the tension in their marriage on their partner.

Tours of duty in the war zone vary according to service and responsibilities, but no tour is easy for anyone. During my visit to Iraq during Holy Week, I was overwhelmed by the appreciation of those deployed there. I met the men and women who patrol hostile areas, those who care for the wounded, and those who are in positions of command. Their patriotism is obvious, but the weight of the separation from loved ones and the uncertainty of the future cannot fail to increase their burden.

By all accounts the situation in Afghanistan is worse. There, the men and women in uniform are being killed on routine journeys, victims of roadside bombs planted by an invisible enemy. Hundreds of injuries send the combatants home and affect families for the rest of their lives.

Yet back home, life must go on. The children must be educated, the family must be cared for, and decisions must be made. It is true that electronic communication is much better than ever before. The Internet allows frequent contacts. Many military installations have systems in place that allow parents to read to their children on a DVD that is then transmitted home, and other wonders of modern communication function well. Yet that is never the same as being there. Twenty-nine years of living far from loved ones made that lesson very clear to me.

The Economy and Other Tensions

It is true that the present economic situation does not have a direct effect on the military, in the sense that military personnel are not being let go. They experience no problems with unemployment themselves. However, they do experience all the other effects of an economic downturn. Spouses who work in the private sector may well have lost jobs. Frequent moves make spouses’ employment opportunities more precarious. Many enlisted personnel come from more challenged economic situations. They may be supporting many others, including extended family. That responsibility makes their limited incomes a greater hardship when the demands increase.

Deployment also means that a spouse becomes a single parent with all of the challenges that situation entails. The possibility that the condition may become permanent in the case of death in the line of duty also adds to the tension already present in the individual in the military, his or her spouse, and the family.

These tensions cannot fail to have their effect on the military family. Despite all of the military’s efforts to support family life, to give couples and families time together after deployments, and to recognize the strain provoked by the war, the incidence of divorce in military families is on the rise. Some extreme situations have involved homicide and suicide. In the face of separations and the pain of post-traumatic stress disorder, it is challenging to live the communion of life and love intended and blessed by Almighty God.

Reentry into Society

Certainly all of us, military and civilian, can help by our prayers and by our eagerness to welcome home the military personnel who return home to our cities and neighborhoods. We can also perceive their needs and try to offer some assistance in that complex process of reintegration into the family and society. We all contribute to making favorable the conditions that support matrimony as the sacrament of enduring love.

Could that not also mean “turning down the volume” in our society? One of the most striking changes that I have noticed in returning to the United States after years of residence abroad is the abrasiveness of our discourse. People from all sides of the political spectrum write and speak without any attempt at civility, courtesy, or those virtues that once defined a lady or a gentleman. Being convinced that my belief is correct is not an excuse to shout at my neighbor, call him names, or question his sincerity. If we, as Catholics, can remember to treat everyone with kindness and strive to keep uppermost in our minds the fact that every person is created in the image and likeness of God, we can render the Gospel more accessible to our world.

I am not certain if the violence and the abrasiveness so often seen on the television or heard on the radio reflect the condition of our society or if they are partial sources of it, but it is clear that each one of us can make a difference. Inaction is not a worthy response. A more serene society would also contribute to the returning veteran’s tranquility and ease.

Medical care and rehabilitation are indeed responsibilities of the Armed Forces and the federal government. However, I submit that we, as Catholics, have a duty to make our contribution to the psychological and spiritual rehabilitation of these brave young men and women who have sacrificed so much for their country. It is not even a question of agreeing with or sharing the political views of those who fostered the war. It is simply a question of responding to the moral imperative of the Gospel.

We can make a difference in our parish communities by seeking out returning veterans and trying, as a community, to help them reenter society and the rhythm of life in the United States. They may be strangers to their family. They have lost trust. They have been shaken by the atrocities of war. They need time to refamiliarize themselves with those dearest to them.

Marriage is indeed a union most sacred and serious. It is a wonderful gift to the Church and to society. Like all precious gifts it must be cared for, supported, and sustained.

This material was originally developed as a resource for Catechetical Sunday 2010.

About the document
The document Married Couples and the Challenge of Military Service was developed as a resource by the Committee on Evangelization and Catechesis of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Richard J. Malone, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

For more support for military marriages, please visit For Your Military Marriage.

Living Simply: A Lasting and Fulfilling Way of Life

“After a ten-year bender of gaudy dreams and godless consumerism, Americans are starting to trade down….Upscale is out; downscale is in…Flaunting money is considered gauche….In place of materialism, many Americans are embracing simpler pleasures and homier values. ‘I think that people (says one theologian) are going to look back at today as a hinge period in the country’s history.’”

Sound familiar? That assessment is as up-to-date as today’s headlines, but as dated as the week it appeared, in the April 8, 1991 issue of Time Magazine. It was written at the tail end of an eight-month recession and the beginning of a long period of borrowing and spending. If the trend to the simple life had a lasting impact, it escaped my attention, and, I suspect, yours as well.

Maybe it’s time to rethink the simple life, but with a new sense of purpose. Many of us face two alternatives: increase our income or reduce our spending. With millions of jobs lost and retirement savings cut in half, increasing our income may be a pipe dream. The only realistic alternative may be to downshift to a more appropriate lifestyle.

The economic downturn is testing the resiliency of America’s families. There is no greater source of family conflict than money. A survey by Citibank once found that fifty-seven percent of divorces “stem from arguments over money.” Simple living gives us the chance to shift our focus from money and possessions to happiness and a sense of purpose.

Start Small

But to avoid repeating the 1991 “trend” that wasn’t, it’s important to start small and maintain a sense of balance. Cutting the family budget is like cutting back on eating. Crash diets don’t work. That’s why they are often called “yoyo diets.” They are so extreme, we can’t sustain them. So our weight goes up and down, up and down, just like a yoyo. In the same way, paring our budgets should start small and continue to build. The objective is balance, a reasonable compromise between what we want and what we really need.

One way to think about balancing our “needs” and our “wants” is the concept of “superfluous income.” The concept provides a good rule of thumb for measuring the number of possessions we need for a decent life. Albino Barrera, O.P., an economist and theologian at Providence College, mentions two ways of thinking about superfluous income. On the one hand, we can think of it as an amount of income that’s more than we need to maintain what’s required by what was once called “our station in life.” On the other hand, we can measure our income and our possessions against the needs of others.

This second way of thinking about superfluous income is what drives so many people to give substantial amounts of time and money to others. Economists use a term called “opportunity costs.” We can spend Wednesday night at the mall, or we can spend it teaching the less fortunate. But we can’t do both at the same time. The decisions we make determine the kinds of lives we lead. One benefit of living simply is that it frees us up to do things we find fulfilling.

Doing things that we find fulfilling is the positive side of what is essentially making a sacrifice. When a sacrifice frees us up to do what we believe is important, we’re far more likely to make it voluntarily. And making the sacrifice voluntarily will make it lasting.

Time Magazine reported that in the 1991 trend to simplicity, people were “making a virtue out of necessity.” That explains why the trend didn’t last. As soon as the recession was over, people started a new cycle of borrowing and spending. Without the necessity of living simply, people saw no virtue in it.

The Desire for Simplicity Comes From Within

The desire to live simply must come from within, which may be why the book that has been called the “sacred text” of simple living is titled Voluntary Simplicity. Its author, Duane Elgin, makes a distinction between what we “want” and what we “need.” We may want a McMansion when all we really need is a two-bedroom Cape. The trick is to downshift what we want to what we really need. And that has to come from within; it has to be voluntary.

Most of us, I suspect, believe deep down that the more we possess, the happier we are. But somehow that formula never works out. Philosophers and theologians have been telling us just the opposite for centuries. Now science is reinforcing their insights. When a Washington Post reporter studied a number of scientific studies in 2006, he found that “once personal wealth exceeds about $12,000 a year, more money produces virtually no increase in life satisfaction.”

What may have been even more surprising is the result of a 2006 survey on happiness by the London School of Economics. It found that the nation with the happiest people in the world was Bangladesh, one of the world’s poorest countries. It has an annual income of roughly $500 per person. By contrast, the U.S. has an annual income of $37,000 per person but ranked just 46th in the survey.

So science is confirming what we probably know deep in our hearts. We shouldn’t let the nation’s advertisers, or our wealthier next-door neighbors, convince us otherwise: Wealth and possessions don’t bring happiness for individuals or for families. If we can internalize the desire to live a balanced life, if the choice rises from our own self-determination, if we believe that the simple life is its own best reward – then we stand a chance of making simplicity a lasting and fulfilling way to live.

Finances

Perhaps you are approaching marriage on a sound financial footing. You’ve finished your education, have been employed for several years, maybe even have some savings or own a house. Perhaps you are set – or so you think. But having enough money for a comfortable lifestyle is not all that finances in marriage is about.

It’s also about power. It might not seem that way at first. The two of you might have every intention of sharing incomes completely. You certainly don’t see each other as people who will dictate how much money can be spent on a cup of coffee. But weird things can happen when money is merged.

Old memories from our family of origin start to replay in our heads. You may agree that it’s fine if one spouse makes more money than the other. Then the primary wage earner sees the other spending his or her hard-earned cash on something like a $50 hair cut or a round of drinks at the club. One person’s necessity is another’s luxury.

What if you’re not in the enviable position of being financially stable? What if one of you still has student loans or credit card debt to pay off? Mixing debts and uncertain jobs makes marriage even more fragile. You will need much self-discipline, however, to keep strained finances from starting quarrels and poisoning your relationship.

Do financial problems cause divorce?

Financial counselors often point to finances as the most common cause of divorce. That’s only partially true. A study by Jason Carroll of Brigham Young University looked at 600 couples from across the nation from various ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds. According to Carroll, the study showed that “financial problems are as much a result of how we think about money as how we spend it.”

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.”

Money may be the presenting problem that gets a couple to counseling, but the solution is not just to make more money. Rather, couples need to improve communication skills so they can talk about their different ways of spending money and the different values that may underlie their financial decisions.

Carroll’s study found that when at least one spouse is highly materialistic, couples are 40 percent more likely to have financial problems that put a strain on their marriage, regardless of income level. The reason is that the couple expects that their lifestyle will bring them happiness, rather than finding happiness in each other.

What’s your spending personality?

One of the first things couples need to notice about each is their “spending personalities.” Is one thrifty and the other a spendthrift? If these traits are deep-rooted and significantly different, they can cause major tension and conflict.

If both spouses are spendthrifts the likelihood is that they will face issues of debt management – even if they have a high income – because desires tend to increase just a little beyond our incomes. As John D. Rockefeller said when asked how much money it takes to be really satisfied, “Just a little bit more!”

Of course, if one spouse is high on the spendthrift scale and the other tends toward being a miser, the probability of tension and conflict over money is obvious. It the extremes are not too severe, good communication skills can bring compromise and a healthy balance. It’s wise to have the thrifty, detailed person keep the books and write the checks.

Having two frugal zealots, however, is not necessarily the ideal either. If both spouses are extremely thrifty, they may tend to hold themselves to a very Spartan lifestyle, seldom spending any money on recreation. They may find themselves in a rut of all work and no play.

What’s your shopping style?

Beyond a couple’s basic spending personality, couples sometimes experience tension over their shopping styles. For example, which of the following shopping styles fits you?

  • Utilitarian: I shop for what I need and that’s it. I’m usually in and out of a store quickly.
  • Laissez-faire: When I see something I like, I buy it. I don’t plan for it, I just follow my whim.
  • Bargain Hunter: I check the ads. When something’s on sale, I snatch it and stock up. I feel great when I know I’ve gotten a good deal. Shopping is like a sport for me.
  • Therapy: When I’m in a blue mood, buying something helps me feel better.
  • Recreation: I like to window-shop. I can spend hours shopping alone or with friends.

If your shopping styles conflict, it may be easier just to acknowledge the difference and not shop together.

Who’s got the power?

The complicated thing about money in a marriage is that it’s often tied up with power. We may believe that the person who makes the most money is more valued or should have the greater say in financial decisions. We need to remember that spouses perform many tasks for which they are not paid. They contribute to the marriage and common life in different ways. At times one spouse may be ill or unemployed and not able to contribute financially or in other ways. Spouses need to feel valued and respected in their own home, regardless of how much money they bring in.

Is it ever better to have less money?

In a strong, life-giving marriage, financial responsibility is not just about making money and spending it or saving it. It also includes giving it away – to religious institutions, charities or our neighbors in need. Sometimes living more simply so that others can simply live is the most direct path to satisfaction and happiness.

For Further Reading:

When Unemployment Hits Home: Seven Ways to Help Your Marriage

“It could be any couple.”

That’s the answer you’ll get if you ask a family counselor to describe the “typical couple” who comes looking for help because of unemployment.

A husband and wife may come because they need assistance reconfiguring the family budget. Because they have to learn to live with less. Because this has affected their sex life. Because they fight over what the children should give up and how to say “‘no” to their sons and daughters. Because a wife resents that she now must be the family’s bread-winner. Because a husband feels he no longer has what it takes to “be a man,” to be the family’s main provider.

They may come because the stress of unemployment has led to depression or illness. To alcohol or drug abuse. To anger or violence. To a combination that’s unique to a couple’s own particular circumstances—to their strengths and weakness both as individuals and as a couple.

They may come because they see that their marriage is crumbling and may not survive.

Sadly, some marriages don’t.

“Divorce happens. Absolutely,” noted Sarah Griffin, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who has a private practice and also works for the Seattle Archdiocese’s Catholic Community Services in Everett, Washington. “Problems build up. Resentment builds up. They thought they were in this for love or at least what they thought love was. But love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision.”

Unemployment can leave an individual—and a couple—feeling overwhelmed, powerless, frightened. In a word, crushed. Yes, the partner looking for work can follow all the recommended steps for landing that next job but in the meantime…the meantime can be a long time.

The good news is that both husband and wife can make positive decisions that can ultimately strengthen their marriage. Here are seven ways to help your marriage when a spouse is unemployed.

1. The unemployed spouse, Griffin said, can choose to accept that things are the way they are. He or she can let go of the misguided but understandable belief that “my life has to be the way things were, or nothing is OK.” Perhaps they need to accept that the new job may not be as good as the one that’s been lost.

2. The employed spouse can remember to let the out-of-work spouse continue to have the same role he or she has always had when it comes to making family decisions. (Griffin pointed out that “those decisions are usually around money.”). He or she can avoid making the out-of-work spouse feel (even more) guilty about the loss of a second income by not fixating on “What are we going to do now!”

3. Both can keep in mind that with loss comes grief. “Losses can be devastating,” Griffin noted, “and being laid off is a primary loss.” A new loss like unemployment can bring up old losses that haven’t been dealt with, she added.

4. They can keep an eye out for signs or symptoms that they need outside help. A tip-off, said Griffin, is a “situation or emotions that interfere with your daily life. You can’t get out of bed in the morning. You can’t make it through the day. The two of you can’t stop arguing.”

5. They can seek help from both informal sources (such as wise and trusted friends or family members) and professional ones (including private counselors, counseling services, or programs made available through a parish or diocese).

6. They can notice and appreciate that, in the middle of all this turmoil, there may well be some positives. A formerly two-income family may not be able to afford day care anymore, but now the family doesn’t need day care. A dad may be surprised to discover he really enjoys being home with the kids. (Not that it’s easier than heading out every day to a job!) Now he gets to know them, and they get to know him, in ways that wouldn’t have happened without his unemployment. A couple that has talked about, and seriously considered, simplifying the family’s lifestyle can realize that now there’s both a perfect excuse to do just that–and little option to do otherwise.

7. They can see how their religious faith is helping them through this and they can trust that it will continue to do so. In Griffin’s experience as a counselor, “any issue with a faith-based couple is easier.” Why? “I imagine it’s because they know there’s a Higher Power who cares about them, whom they can pray to,” she said. “A Christian marriage is very, very different from a secular one. There’s a different language that includes things like ‘this happened for a reason’ and ‘I can pray about this.’”

And what a difference—what an ongoing blessing and source of grace and strength—that can be, in good times and in bad.

About the author 
Bill Dodds is a long-time writer for Catholic publications whose latest novels are “Pope Bob” and “My Great-Grandfather Turns 12 Today.”

Drug Use Can Ruin a Marriage

Famous Last Words: “Mom, I can change him.”

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right is hard enough. You finally locate someone who shares your interests, who’s attractive, sympathetic, enjoys being with you. There’s only one problem: He (or she) uses drugs. Maybe it’s just once or twice a month; maybe it’s every weekend, or every day. No one’s perfect, you say to yourself; everyone has a least one weakness.

Should you get married to a drug user? No one but you can make that decision. But before you make it, here are some things to consider.

Most drug users, especially the heavy users, have one great love: their addiction. The more they get into drugs, the more time and effort they put into feeding their addiction. Life becomes a cycle: finding drugs, using them, and acquiring the means to use more. Love of family–and time for family activities–take a distant second place to love of drugs.

Employment, Finances and Drugs

Most drug users are poor providers. Many are unemployed. But even those who are employed full-time have far higher job turnover rates than non-users, according to a 2007 study from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. In fact, drug users are more than twice as likely as non-users to have worked for three or more employers in just a year’s time.

It’s hard to keep a job when you’re on drugs. And for drug users, good jobs are harder to find. A 2003 PBS documentary reported that virtually all of the Fortune 500 companies require drug tests before they hire new workers. They also conduct random drug tests on their existing employees. Drugs and work don’t mix.

Drugs cost money, lots of it. The money paid for drugs comes from funds that would ordinarily go to feeding, sheltering and clothing a family, paying for the children’s education, and for all the other expenses of raising a family. And the drug-related expenses go beyond the cost of the drugs themselves. Overdoses, drug-related illnesses, traffic accidents caused by drugs: these are just some of the things that put people in hospital emergency rooms. If your spouse is “between jobs,” as many drug users are, chances are good, unless you have health insurance yourself, that you’ll be paying for all this medical treatment out of pocket.

There’s a strong relationship between drugs and crime. Some of it comes from the search for money to buy drugs. But a lot of violent crime comes from people doing things under the influence of drugs that they would never consider doing when sober. Unfortunately, much of that crime takes place within the home itself. There are many stories of drug-related abuse.

Drug Use Affects the Whole Family

One story that captured the headlines some years ago involved a Manhattan lawyer who threw his six-year-old daughter against a wall and then sat in front of the girl, smoking cocaine with his companion, a book editor and author, while the girl lapsed into a coma and eventually died. When police arrived at the apartment, they also found a 17-month- old boy, soaked in urine, encrusted with dirt, tethered by rope to a filthy playpen. Why would two such intelligent people be so heedless and reckless in their behavior unless their minds were messed up with drugs?

Drug users and their families develop a whole new group of friends: the wrong ones. These new friends, and the things they do, are all part of the drug culture: fellow pot smokers, crack cocaine addicts, heroin dealers, prison cell mates – not to mention the self-rationalizations, the lies to family, friends and employers, shoplifting, stealing from parents, the street robberies, prostitution, emergency room visits, and frequently death.

Too often, the whole family gets sucked into the drug culture: ten-year-olds who get sent by their mothers out into the streets to buy crack; six-year-olds who are burned to death when their parents’ jerry-rigged methamphetamine labs explode. Some experiment with drugs thinking they’ll escape the demands of life, and then often realize they’ve found a new way of life, one far worse then they ever imagined – and one they find it impossible to escape. And too often they bring their families along with them.

Once you start, it’s tough to stop. Avram Goldstein, a medical doctor and Professor Emeritus of Pharmacology at Stanford University, put it this way in his book, “Addiction”: “There is some truth in the saying ‘Once an addict, always an addict.’ The formerly addicted person has drug-related memories and experiences not shared by those who have never been addicted. And these – under the right conditions – can trigger a relapse.” Consider all the Hollywood stars and sports stars who have been in and out of rehab facilities. Even if their efforts are successful, people in rehab give up their prime years – years when they could be focusing on building a career and raising families.

Can you change him (or her)? Anything is possible. But before you take the plunge, give some serious thought to the kind of life you aspire to – and just as importantly, what kind of future you’d like your children to have.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.

Cohabitation

It’s no secret that many couples are cohabiting, that is, living together in a sexual relationship without marriage. Currently, 60% of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation, but fewer than half of cohabiting unions end in marriage.

Many couples believe-mistakenly-that cohabitation will lower their risk of divorce. This is an understandable misconception, since many people are the children of divorce, or have other family members or friends who have divorced. Other reasons for living together include convenience, financial savings, companionship and security, and a desire to move out of their parents’ house.

What social science says about cohabitation

  • On average, marriage preceded by cohabitation is 46% more likely to end in divorce.
  • The risk is greatest for “serial” cohabitors who have had multiple relationships.
  • Some studies indicate that those who live together with definite plans for marriage are at minimal risk; however, there are no positive effects from cohabiting.
  • Cohabitation puts children at risk. Forty percent of cohabiting households include children. After five years, one-half of these couples will have broken up, compared to 15% of married parents.

Cohabitation and Catholic Church teaching

Every act of sexual intercourse is intended by God to express love, commitment, and openness to life in the total gift of the spouses to each other. Sexual intercourse outside of marriage cannot express what God intended. Rather, it says something false–a total commitment that the couple does not yet have. This total commitment is possible only in marriage.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church points out that some couples claim a right to live together if they intend to marry later on. Although the couple may be sincere in their intention, the Catechism stresses that human love is not compatible with “trial marriages.” Rather, “it demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another.”

Cohabitation and marriage preparation

If you are a cohabiting couple who has chosen to marry, the Catholic Church welcomes your decision to marry. Because cohabitation can have an effect on the marriage, couples are encouraged to explore certain questions with the pastoral minister who is preparing them for marriage. These include:

  • Why did you choose to live together?
  • What did you learn from the experience of living together?
  • Why did you decide to marry?
  • Why do you wish to marry in the Catholic Church?
  • What does marriage as a sacrament mean to you?

Pastoral ministers may encourage cohabiting couples without children to separate for a period before marriage as a sign of their free, loving decision to follow the Church’s vision of marriage and sexuality. Couples are also encouraged to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

People have a right to marry; therefore, cohabiting couples cannot be denied marriage in the Catholic Church solely because they are cohabiting. However, cohabitation may raise questions, for example, about the couple’s freedom to marry, which need to be explored.

For more information:

Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples, an Information Report from the U.S. Catholic Bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family

Budgeting for Your Wedding

Costs vary by region, but the average wedding ranges between $20,000 and $25,000. Some couples justify their spending because it’s a “once in a lifetime” event. Others feel pressured by families and friends to stage an elaborate celebration. Expectations may be greater for couples who have been on their own for a while. Presumably, they have more financial resources, plus they’ve accumulated lots of great ideas from their friends’ weddings.

The Catholic Church understands a couple’s desire for an appropriate celebration of their marriage with family and friends. In the Catholic Church, marriage is a sacrament. All sacraments are to be celebrated because they are encounters with Jesus Christ. A wedding celebrates Christ’s gift of marital love to this particular man and woman. It is a time for rejoicing.

But what is “appropriate”? The U.S. Catholic bishops have not spoken directly about wedding spending, but couples might ask the following questions before setting up a wedding budget.

What do you want the wedding to say about you and your values?

Couples frequently say they want their wedding to express who they are. Of course, a Christian wedding is much more than a personal identity statement. Still, this is a legitimate concern; after all, the wedding is the couple’s first public act as husband and wife. It should say something about what’s important to them. Do you want to express hospitality, gratitude for the support of family and friends, and a commitment to share your love with others? Then plan a wedding that highlights those values.

Are you willing to go into debt, or put family members in debt, because of this wedding?

According to a national study, debt brought into a marriage is among the top three problematic issues for newly married couples. Many couples are already struggling with credit card debt and student loans. Do you really want to add wedding debt to the mix? Financial worries can strain even seasoned couples. Newly married couples are especially at risk.

Are you willing to focus time and energy on the details of a lavish wedding? Will this reduce the attention you can pay to prepare for the marriage itself?

You may have heard the Engaged Encounter slogan: “A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime.” In other words, what are your priorities? The engagement period is not only a time to plan the wedding, but to prepare for your married lives. Too much concentration on the former can take time from the Must-Have Conversations that need to take place before the wedding. It can also turn you into an overstressed Bride- or Groomzilla.

Do you feel comfortable with the amount you plan to spend? Have you considered this in relation to the needs of people in your community?

The U.S. Bishops have called people to “carefully consider our choices and lifestyles.” They point out that “we live in a culture that prizes the consumption of material goods. While the poor often have too little, many of us can be easily caught up in a frenzy of wanting more and more” (Global Climate Change, 15).

Moderation is the key. If you have a feeling that wedding expenses are getting out of hand, they probably are. To restore your focus, consider how your wedding might express your concern for the needy. Some couples prepare a large food basket that they bring forward along with the bread and wine for Mass. Other couples include a request on their wedding invitations that guests bring one or two items of non-perishable food to the church. These are then given to the parish food pantry or a local food bank. Couples can also make a donation, from the money they may receive as gifts, to the parish’s social outreach committee.

Can you really cut down on wedding expenses? Absolutely! Check out the resources below to get started. Then take up the challenge of planning a dream wedding that won’t break your budget.