Tag Archives: Enriching Your Marriage

Loving – And Liking – Your Spouse

“I love my husband, but I don’t like him.” That’s a comment I often hear in my couples mediation practice and as a facilitator at a Fight Less, Love More couples course. Over the years, I discovered something interesting: Many people are kinder to strangers than they are to their spouses.

The “liking” feeling often diminishes as everyday job stress, parenting decisions, financial woes and child-induced sleep deprivation take over.

When overwhelmed by life, small things may seem like “the last straw,” and you might even wonder if you are married to the right person.

People assume that as an expert I have a perfect marriage. The truth is, I do have a happy marriage and I love my husband, but still, we have our good and bad days that strain the liking feeling. Conflict is normal for all couples, but how we choose to respond to it will either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

Here’s a revealing personal story:

One day, my husband told me he’d be home from work earlier than usual.

I put his early arrival time into my afternoon schedule so my then-2-year-old son and I would be home to greet him, and enjoy some playful “Daddy time.” When my husband’s designated arrival time passed, each additional minute pushed me into a worsening mood. At 50 minutes past his planned arrival, I was furious. Why wasn’t he here? Why wasn’t he answering his cell phone?

My husband showed up more than an hour after I expected him, displaying a freshly trimmed head of hair, smiling and acting like nothing had happened.

“So you got a haircut?” I asked.

“Yes, I had time today, so I figured, why not?”

That was it. I ripped into what seemed to me to be his thoughtless selfish behavior and the fight began.

But minutes later, reality hit. In our pre-child days, I would have been more understanding and explained how I felt about his late arrival. Now, with my energy drained, I acted as if his haircut was akin to finding out he cheated on me with his hairdresser.

Our Best Selves

We are our best selves early in our relationship. We show each other empathy, respect and patience. As time passes, we come to expect those things from our spouse, but we tend to extend them less and less. Use of the words “thank you” and “please” become sparse, replaced by words like “You have to…” and “Why didn’t you…”, which are set-up comments for a fight. So what can a person say to prevent such unnecessary battles?

The answer is to stop and ask yourself one question when you feel dissatisfaction and anger erupting: “What do I want my spouse to do differently next time?” In my situation, I wanted my husband to call me in advance to tell me that his plans had changed.

As soon as I realized my short-tempered mistake, I apologized, explained that I got angry because I value our time together and had planned around his early arrival, and most importantly, I asked for what I wanted (advance notice). Interestingly, my husband was flattered to learn that I was looking forward to his coming home early. Our five-minute conversation ended with the agreement that if his plans changed, he would call immediately. So my advice for couples who want to love-and-like their mate for a lifetime is: Don’t focus on the problem. Do focus on the solution to prevent it from recurring. A little wisdom makes a big difference.

About the Author
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-trained lawyer, couples mediator, relationship communication expert and bestselling author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. She has partnered with Family Dynamics Institute to develop the Fight Less, Love More Course now offered throughout the United States and recommended as a resource for married couples on the USCCB website For Your Marriage. Click here for course information. Find Laurie online at fightlesslovemore.com.

What’s Your Idea of Fun?

If there is a rock wall to climb nearby, Bob will be there. Any snow-covered slope is a potential cross country ski run. Bike rides and a gym workout are his way to have fun. Christine, on the other hand, loves to use her free time to snuggle up with a good book or lie on the couch watching a movie. The word sweat is not in her vocabulary.

When they were dating Christine went along willingly with Bob on his adventures. The novelty of swimming by moonlight and sleeping in tents drew her to his sense of adventure and love of the outdoors. Bob enjoyed quiet nights of watching movies with Christine as a perfect way to have quality time with her.

Then they were married. Within the first year her schooling and part-time work and his demanding job made free time for recreation increasingly difficult. On weekends, she would curl up with a book and he would go to the gym.

By the second year of marriage, they were spending much of their leisure time apart. Bob was riding with a bicycling club and was on a regular basketball team. Christine joined a book club at their church and went to chick flicks with girlfriends. They had begun to lead separate recreational lives and had very little time to spend alone together having fun. Fun had moved out of the house and into separate little cubicles occupied with same sex friends.

One night during a heated disagreement, Christine angrily accused Bob of “not being very much fun anymore.” He made a counter-accusation saying all she wanted to do was “sit around” and he didn’t think that was much fun at all.

How to Deal With Different Interests

It is not unusual for couples to have differing interests and tastes in recreation – or in any other area of life for that matter. It’s true that opposites attract and what might have seemed exciting about a partner’s habits during courtship often feels frustrating after marriage. Having different interests has the advantage of putting variety in a relationship and keeping things from getting stale.

Like every couple who has promised to love and honor one another, Christine and Bob have the opportunity to bring their differences to the table and to create a common life together combining strengths and interests to form an “us.” Such a partnership is a great enterprise, but not an easy one. A strong marriage requires both spouses to develop new ways of doing things while maintaining their own unique individuality. Couples can begin by doing what every successful partnership has done.

1. Build on strengths

Bob and Christine can begin by affirming each other. That means a word of encouragement or congratulations when a game is won or a book completed. It means asking about the movie’s theme or the game’s strategy allowing the other to share his or her excitement and interest. It’s easy to resent the play time of our partner when we are not involved, but resentment will only poison the partnership and distance the spouses from each other. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

2. Name the problem

Effective partnerships face problems head on. Couples need to recognize and name the tension that is brewing. Issues that silently cause couples to drift apart lead to alienation and divorce. It’s an elephant in the room. Naming it gives Christine and Bob the power to change the situation. Discussing how to solve the problem begins with each partner showing a desire to share fun activities and to make compromises. It’s most effective to name the problem without accusations and to honestly talking about feelings and hopes for the future. If each spouse knows that the other is willing to sacrifice for the common good, it’s easier to find a workable compromise.

3. Plan for solutions

Like any strong partnership, a couple’s relationship has to have a plan for change. Bob and Christine need to make a plan to find new ways of deepening their friendship by having fun together. Compromise and negotiation are the rules for planning. Perhaps that means going to a hockey game one weekend and a movie the next. Or, when finances are limited, options might include playing cards or electronic games at home together or with another couple. Both spouses will have to give up some individual time in order to have joint recreational time.

4. Evaluate and start again

Partnership solutions are often found by trial and error. If one thing doesn’t work, smart partners try another. Because marriage is a covenant, there is no walking away from problems. Sources of help include advice from other couples, a book by marriage experts, or a marriage counseling.

Relaxation and play time strengthen friendship and contribute to marital bonding. In the vocation of Christian marriage husband, wife, and God are meant to share a holy unity – a “partnership of love and life.” That partnership includes the couple and God who is present within the challenges and joys of everyday life. In addressing their differences, Bob and Christine are bound to practice forgiveness, self-sacrifice, humility, and willingness to compromise for love. Doing that will make them better partners for each other and with God.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage, Loyola Press, 2008.

How to Make Moral Decisions

The Situation

Jeanne and Joe are engaged and will be married next year. They both have been working for several years, and are dedicated to their jobs. They are interested in both building their careers and their family life. They have agreed that their work outside the home should be valued equally, even after they have children.

Recently, Jeanne received exciting news. She was offered a major promotion, a job that would give her more visibility in her company and give them extra money to help pay for wedding expenses, furniture, and other necessities for their new apartment. The job offer sounds promising; Jeanne loves a challenge and considers herself up to the task of taking on significant new responsibilities. The new position, however, involves some potential drawbacks:

There would be considerable overtime associated with it. Her predecessor told her that he used to work at least 55 hours per week. Because this job is salaried rather than hourly, he did not receive overtime pay. In reality, the large increase in pay is reduced by the fact that she won’t get extra money for overtime.

The position involves one to two full weeks of travel per month.

How do Jeanne and Joe make a good decision about whether or not Jeanne should accept the position?

A Response

Sharing values and trying to discern God’s will when making moral decisions are critical elements in any Christian marriage. Over the course of a lifetime, couples make moral decisions on major life choices such as Jeanne and Joe face plus other more daily decisions about life style, use of time, talent, and money, and relationships with family and friends. Making a moral decision about an issue involves engaging in a process of prayerful reflection, conversation, and evaluation before reaching a conclusion.

People of faith should consider the following steps:

  1. Begin by opening your heart and mind to God in prayer. Ask for the grace to follow God’s will.
  2. Gather information to make a well-informed decision. Take advantage of articles, websites, and other resources. What does Church teaching say?
  3. Consult trusted advisors to gain clarity about the issue. Family members and friends can be sounding boards, but remember that in challenging situations, it might be difficult for them to maintain objectivity Parish staff or counselors might be able to assist if a situation is particularly difficult.
  4. If a decision involves both partners, make the decision together. It is crucial to come to consensus about decisions affecting both of you.
  5. Be open to reevaluate the decision after a time.

Keeping these steps in mind, how should Jeanne and Joe proceed?

They should celebrate Jeanne’s accomplishments. She has been recognized for her talent and dedication to her job. Whether or not she takes the promotion, both Jeanne and Joe should enjoy her recognition.

As people of faith, Jeanne and Joe should take time to pray for help in making this important decision. They might ask God to help them appreciate the positive and negative elements of this opportunity.

Jeanne and Joe must decide whether or not the new job will be good for Jeanne as a person and both of them as a couple. One way to do that is to write down the pros and cons of the situation. Ask the following questions: What impact will the changing responsibilities have on their relationship? For example, will considerable overtime have a negative impact on their time together? Is this impact worth the sacrifice? How much more money will she actually make when she moves from an hourly position to a salaried position? How do they feel about so much business travel? What is the impact when a couple is trying to establish their marriage and maintain a difficult travel schedule?

If Jeanne and Joe can’t come to agreement about the decision, they should consider getting help. If they are not already connected with their local parish, they will find helpful people there.

Having prayed and carefully weighed the pros and cons, they need to make the best decision they can. Both Jeanne and Joe must be willing to accept the decision, and must agree not to blame or point fingers if it doesn’t work out exactly as they thought it would.

Finally, Jeanne and Joe should agree to reevaluate the decision at a future date. In light of their experience, they should ask: Was this a good decision? Should they rethink it and begin the decision making process again? Agreeing to a reevaluation time helps keep the lines of communication open, and helps couples to understand that they do not have to be locked into a decision forever.

Remember, in many decisions, there is no crystal clear correct choice. Making a moral decision involves weighing options and arriving at the best solution possible at the time. However, when a couple agrees on basic life and faith values, and is willing to engage in a process of moral decision making, they can be confident about their choice, whatever it is.

Read more Marriage Rx articles.

Play: A Virtue to Take Seriously

Our mouths were filled with laughter; our tongues sang for joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” (Psalm 126:2)

“We realize that we enjoy working together so much that it feels like play. We’ve taken to calling it Plurk.” (Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt)

There is the story about the man who goes to see his doctor for an exam. After getting a thorough checkup, the doctor calls the man’s wife into his office without the husband and says that her husband is a very ill. He has a life-threatening condition and things do not look very good.

However, if she is willing to be at the husband’s beck and call 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and is willing to cater to his every want and desire, making him special breakfasts in the morning, giving him wonderful meals in the evening, sending him off to work with wonderfully prepared lunches, making love to him whenever he’s desirous of her, and generally doing everything to make him completely happy, for the next several months, there is an excellent likelihood her husband will pull through it and be okay.

As they are driving home the husband turns to his wife and asks, “So what did the doctor tell you?”

To which his wife replies, “He told me you’re going to die.”

Humor serves a couple by providing the space to lighten up the relationship so that neither takes what the other said or did, or the current situation, so personally. The man in the story seemingly needs compassion and sympathy, but what his wife gives instead helps her manage her own anxiety, thus allowing for an important challenge to her husband. Her playfulness makes it possible for him to take charge of his own life – both metaphorically and literally.

Love and good will are essential components of marriage, yet even with love we still become anxious. An anxious response can get confused as a loving and caring one. When we’re anxious we often end up doing what is good for us since it relieves our anxiety, but it’s not necessarily good for the one we supposedly took the action for.

Lighten up

Rather than work on the relationship, each spouse can focus on their own issues in order to become a mature, capable and responsible adult, and do so out of a sense of joy and delight. Work implies a seriousness, which is problematic and points to a lack of self-differentiation. When overly serious we operate from a highly anxious state that cuts us off from our higher levels of functioning – our capacity to reason and problem-solve. Seriousness keeps us operating out a reflex mode. We react rather than respond. There is a Mary Engelbreit poster that says: “Life is mysterious, don’t take it so serious.” Humor helps move us outside a seemingly hopeless situation and to see with new eyes.

Learn to go in the other direction

Akin to humor is the paradoxical intervention when we go along with, or exaggerate, the situation. “It’s the worst thing that could have happened. I think I’ll stay in bed!” Or, “My car broke down; life is terrible.” We sometimes play a game of “Pet Peeves.” Each person must state a complaint and exaggerate it while everyone else exhorts, “That’s terrible!” or “I hate when that happens!” One can’t help have a hilarious time.

George complained that his wife, Sue, makes annoying facial grimaces whenever she thinks he’s worried, causing George to be angry. I suggest he learn to misread her and imagine her facial expression as her “sexy” look. I say this not because it’s right or wrong, but because it frees him to see her less intensely and provide a new way to respond. I chide that he may not know what “that face of hers” really means. Such playfulness slows us down and lowers our reactivity.

Make play central to the relationship

Couples can cultivate play, as well as joy and delight. Playfulness gives the space needed for intimacy as surely as repeating someone’s question gives time for an answer.

When couples first date they tell how they love having fun and even being silly. They do interesting things; they play. Once they start to court each other and move toward marriage they’ll say, “Now we’re in a serious relationship.” Somehow we link commitment to seriousness. The antidote to too much seriousness is play.

Children know how to play and sometimes have such a good time that other kids begin to watch and even take part in their play. Play is attractive and magnetic. We knew something then that is still extremely useful today. Individuals who know how to play make great partners. Playful couples are magical to observe. They have a twinkle in their eyes, a lightness without being flippant. Each partner is loose while remaining solid and grounded. They are grace in action. In short, they remind us that play is a virtue we need to take seriously.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

How to Stop an Argument Before It Starts

Do you and your mate get into the same arguments, time and gain? Do you encounter family members who have the uncanny ability to push your buttons and get in your face, even though you set out to steer clear of strife? As a lawyer and couples mediator I have observed the same dumb arguments ruining relationships. In my book Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, I share five smart comments you can rely on to short-circuit an argument.

Here are the top five arguments that occur in every family, and the smart responses you can use to reject conflict.

1. The Political Argument: “You’re wrong. I don’t want that flip-flopping jerk in the White House.”

Smart Response: Don’t defend, just deflect. Say: “That’s your opinion and you have a right to it. But for now, let’s agree to disagree and just have a good night.” By stating the obvious and rejecting the bait you sound wise without adding fuel to the fire.

2. The Financial Argument: “We can’t afford that!”

Smart Response: Focus on facts. Say: “Let’s sit down and go over the household cash flow.” Without facts at hand, assumptions lay the foundation for an onslaught of disputes. By sharing the math about your expenses you will know what you can, and cannot, afford.

3. The Techno-pest Argument: “You’ve been upstairs for an hour already. Get off that $%#@&*^ computer!”

Smart Response: Employ Positive Criticism. Say: “You know, I really miss your company. I like hearing what you have to say. Will you join me in the living room for a drink?” If your mate chooses tech toys over people, don’t complain, just explain. When phrased with flattery, you’ll get what you want.

4. The Over-sharing Argument: “I can’t believe you told your brother I am unemployed. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until I find another job.”

Smart Response: Create a Border Control. Say: “Before we go to dinner with your side of the family, lets agree on which topics are private versus public.” Perhaps your recent health issues and job instability are things you don’t want anyone to know. Everyone, even your spouse, has a different expectation of what is private v. public. If you expect your mate to read your mind, you’ve opened the door to a fight. Avoid potential foot in mouth moments with a pre-event discussion.

5. The “I Always Do Everything” Argument: “I have to prepare the food, watch the kids and greet all the guests while you’re relaxing and drinking beer with a few of your friends in the living room.”

Smart Response: Ask for what you want. Be specific. Say, “There are three things I’d like you to do for our dinner party: 1) Go to the bakery to pick up the fresh bread and rolls. 2) When guests arrive, please greet them and offer everyone drinks, and 3) When it’s time to eat, help me bring the food in and out of the kitchen. Can you do that?” Research shows that getting an advance commitment makes the person more likely to follow-through.

With these five smart responses you can dodge unnecessary conflict so family times are what they should be – good times!

About the author 
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator, relationship expert, and bestselling author. For more articles visit www.fightlesslovemore.com.

Moving Beyond “Healthy” Anger

Christian married couples are called to love their spouses with a Christ-like love that is patient and kind, with no selfish or unjust anger, envy, or other unloving emotions (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

Don, a Christian realtor, does not love his wife Jaimee with a Christ-like love when she forgets to give him a phone message about an important real estate deal. Don yells angrily: “How could you forget the phone message? You’re so inconsiderate! Promise me you will never forget any of my phone messages again!”

St. Francis de Sales warns Christians that anger can turn into hatred. Couples can deal with anger effectively by managing their anger and, most of all, by following Jesus with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues. Anger management helps couples grow from an unhealthy anger to a normal, supposedly healthy anger. Following Jesus virtuously helps couples grow further towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love.

Moving from unhealthy to “healthy” anger

Anger management experts help couples with unhealthy anger move towards a normal “healthy” anger by managing their anger with such things as timeouts, deep breathing, empathy, cognitive therapy, and communication. With “healthy” anger, couples act constructively and reasonably. But they still feel angry at times. They typically experience a few episodes of moderate anger a week, often with some yelling, according to an American Psychological Association report.

“Healthy” anger is better than unhealthy anger. But “healthy” anger is not all it’s cracked up to be. Suppose a couple’s “healthy” anger lingered for the rest of the day or evening, and suppose the couple experienced also a few episodes of “normal” envy every week, and “normal” anxiety, and other negative, un-Christ-like emotions. That’s a lot of negative, un-Christ-like emotional turmoil!

Jesus calls couples to grow from an unhealthy or “healthy” anger towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love. But many anger management experts, and even some Christian marriage experts, say that we cannot help being angry at times, so we are not morally responsible for our angry feelings or for other emotions.

Growth towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love

Jesus can help couples grow towards a Christ-like, anger-free marital love. We couples are often morally responsible for our emotions, and we can become Christ-like emotionally. Jesus teaches that “anyone who is angry with his brother will answer for it before the court” (Matt. 5:22). St. Augustine writes that our emotions are morally good if our love is good, and morally evil if our love is evil. St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that our emotions are morally good if they are reasonable, and morally evil if they are unreasonable.

Aquinas explains that we are not morally responsible for the involuntary, irrational, physical elements of our emotions, such as a rapid heart rate, but we are often morally responsible for the voluntary, rational elements of our emotions, such as thoughts and feelings of anger. Most of us become more reasonable and loving emotionally as we grow from infancy to adulthood. During our Terrible Twos we might have thrown temper tantrums if we had not been given Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries for breakfast, but we would not have been morally responsible for this. Adults, however, would ordinarily be morally responsible for temper tantrums like this.

Couples can gradually reduce and eventually eliminate selfish or unjust anger with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues, together with God’s healing and divinizing grace. Aquinas teaches that we can control anger and other emotions with a wise intellect (wisdom) and a loving will (love). Suppose that the realtor Don took a timeout when he was mad at Jaimee for forgetting the phone message, but he still felt angry. With Christian wisdom, Don could come up with reasons for not being mad at Jaimee. He could reason that Jaimee just forgot to give him the message, so she was not trying to hurt him, and everyone forgets things at times. He could reason also that anger usually punishes itself and profits nobody, and that Jesus wants him to treat Jaimee well instead of blasting her angrily.

With Christian love in addition to wisdom, Don could desire and choose to love Jaimee generously instead of getting mad at her. Then he would be following the advice of Francis de Sales that it is better “to find the way to live without anger, than to pretend to make a moderate and discreet use of it.” Here Francis criticizes the “anger management” theories of his times.

Christian couples can gradually reduce and eventually eliminate anger with love, wisdom, and other Christian virtues. These virtues kill off anger more powerfully than anger management does–especially if couples commit themselves to following Jesus virtuously in a peaceful and joyful Christian marriage discipleship.

About the author
David Sanderlin (Ph.D., University of Notre Dame) is a retired college professor and author of books and articles on Catholic spirituality, ethics, relationships and other topics.

This article is drawn largely from the author’s Catholic marriage guide, The Christian Way to be Happily Married (Christian Starlight Press, 2010), especially Part III, Chapter 3.

25 Ways to Fight Fair

Please note that the words “fight” and “fighting fair” are used below to mean expressing one’s disagreement or anger to another constructively. At no time should physical harm be considered “fighting fair.”

1. Know your own feelings. Seek to grow in self-awareness. Being in touch with your own true feelings is essential before you can constructively handle anger or conflict.

2. Anger is an emotion – neither right nor wrong in itself. There is no morality to feelings. Try to understand what prompted the feeling. Morality comes into play when you take a destructive action as a result of a feeling.

3. Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage. During a calm, clear moment agree that neither partner should “win” a fight. If one wins, the other loses and builds resentment. In effect, both have then lost because the relationship is damaged. Even when one spouse is wrong, permit him or her salvage self-respect.

4. Cooling-off periods. Establish ground rules that permit either partner to “cool off” before trying to resolve anger. It may be necessary to walk or engage in some other physical activity in order to allow anger to dissipate. Such a period can allow a spouse to identify the issue more clearly and organize his or her thoughts, thus keeping the fight more on focus.

5. Pin down a time and place. Be sure, however, that resolving an issue is not postponed indefinitely. After cooling off, pin down a time and place to continue. For example, after the news goes off and in the living room – not in the bathroom doorway while brushing teeth.

6. Fight by mutual consent. Don’t insist on a fight when your spouse is tired or unable to handle the strain. A fair fight requires two ready participants.

7. Stick to the subject. When a number of issues seem to be accumulating, present them one at a time. If you have not resolved past issues, put them on a current or future agenda. Make sure both of you go beyond skirmishing, insult rituals, or angry displays. Shooting broadside like a roaring cannon prevents resolution.

8. State the issue honestly and clearly. Don’t simply say, “I’m hurt by the way you don’t show me respect.” Rather, be clear and specific as in, “I felt hurt when you said…or when your tone of voice sounds condescending toward me.”

9. Don’t camouflage. Don’t evade a deeper grievance by allowing your feelings to center only on less important or extraneous issues. “The potatoes are too salty tonight!” might be a minor irritant that covers the unspoken, “I don’t think that you understand all the pressure I’m under at work!”

10. Afraid to fight? If one of you feels afraid to fight, this should not evoke a put down but rather may be a fear of being hurt or rejected. Put the fear on the agenda for later discussion.

11. Don’t hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don’t use your confidential knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt him/her.

12. Don’t label. Avoid telling your spouse that he/she is neurotic, depressing, or a bore. Rather, try, “I’m tense inside, honey, because you seem moody and depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”

13. Grant equal time. Agree that no resolution of an issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express his/her feelings, ideas, and information.

14. Feedback and clarification. If the fight is emotional and heated, slow it down by starting a “feedback loop.” One technique is to paraphrase back to your spouse what your heard. For example, “Honey, what I hear you saying is that I’m boring you because I have no outside interest. Is that right?” The other then responds by either confirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.

15. Gain new understanding. Extract enough new information and insight from a fight to permit growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.

16. Implement changes. Follow anger with a fair, firm, clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight. Each partner must be clear as to what he/she agrees to modify or improve. Be specific and realistic. For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent.

17. Develop humor. Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing.

18. Keep your fights to yourself. Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a counselor. Good counseling is like medicine – it helps do what you might not be able to do alone.

19. Handling anger in front of children. When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them. You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.

20. Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when drinking heavily.

21. “Touch” can begin dialogue. Use touch to help your spouse make the “entry” or “re-entry” into a communicative mood. A foot reaching over in bed, a hand on the shoulder can say eloquently, “Honey, one of us needs to begin the dialogue. I’m willing to start.”

22. Exclude violence. Agree in advance that real violence is always ruled out.

23. Is the problem elsewhere? Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily (or only secondarily) within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues. It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish.

24. Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel. Do not, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict.

25. Prayer as strength. Major religions view marriage as sacred and prayer as a vital strength. While human behavior principles must not be neglected in learning how to handle conflict constructively, neither should couples neglect the religious resources of their faith in working out their problems.

For Further Reading:

  • Why Forgive? by Johann Christoph Arnold, specifically the chapter “Forgiveness and Marriage”

What Makes for a Happy and Lasting Marriage?

All couples want their marriages to succeed. But what makes for a happy and lasting marriage? Is it just luck—a matter of finding the right spouse? Is each marriage unique, or do happy marriages have certain elements in common? Perhaps most important, what can spouses do to improve their chances of marital success?

Social science research offers some helpful answers. It reminds us, for example, that couples build “multiple marriages” over the course of a marriage. Common transitions such as the birth of a child, relocation, and the empty nest require couples to adjust their behaviors and expectations. Transitions can threaten marital stability, but they can also provide an opportunity for growth.

Here are several key findings from the social sciences that can help couples to navigate these transitions and build a lasting marriage.

–Couples who know what to expect during common transitional periods in a marriage are less likely to be blindsided when changes occur. Couples can acquire proactive resources to prepare for relationship shifts. See Stages of Marriage.

–The three most common reasons given for divorce are “lack of commitment,” “too much conflict and arguing,” and “infidelity.” (With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America, 2005)

–In contrast, the most common reasons couples give for long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They speak of hard work and dedication, both to each other and to the idea of marriage itself. (The Top Ten Myths of Marriage)

–Qualities that a couple can acquire and/or strengthen in order to save or improve their marriage include: positive communication styles, realistic expectations, common attitudes concerning important issues and beliefs, and a high degree of personal commitment. (Scott Stanley, “What Factors are Associated with Divorce and/or Marital Unhappiness?”)

–Married couples make a dual commitment. The first, of course, is to each other. The second is to the institution of marriage. This includes support for marital childbearing, openness to children, and a belief that marriage is for life. Such commitment results in high levels of intimacy and marital happiness. (Brad Wilcox, Seeking a Soulmate: A Social Scientific View of the Relationship between Commitment and Authentic Intimacy)

–Couples who stay married and happy have the same levels and types of disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle disagreements. The good news is that communication and conflict resolution skills can be learned.

How to Deepen Empathy in Your Marriage: Three Key Skills

It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking each other for granted or just putting up with each other. One husband described this bluntly: “When I get home my dog is the only one who seems excited to see me!” Make this year a break-through year in your relationship by trying three powerful empathy skills to deepen your love for each other.

1. Make your partner feel welcome in your heart.

Focus on those qualities and strengths that you honor and respect in your partner. This simple focus will restore your partner’s value in your heart. Joe, a successful physician, and Sylvia, a marketing executive, complained about their unfulfilling marriage and stressful lives. The more they talked, the clearer it became that they were living parallel lives.

Their first challenge was to switch the focus away from themselves and onto each other. They acknowledged that they were taking each other for granted and that their jobs got the best of them. They ended up giving each other the leftovers. They decided to switch their priorities and focus first on each other’s feelings and needs and to practice daily the art of welcoming each other into their hearts. Today they are far more emotionally connected and happier.

Try this: Each day greet your partner with a genuine smile and some expression of affection.

2. Become interested in how your spouse is feeling.

Remember when you were dating? You had an insatiable interest in each other’s feelings and what would make each other happy. Over the years you may have shifted focus away from your partner and more towards yourself. Perhaps now you’ve come to expect that he or she should always be there to support you or you’ve gotten too task-oriented, hoping he or she will not interfere with your plans.

When you disregard your partner’s feelings as unimportant, however, you are actually disregarding your partner. Understanding your partner’s feelings opens the door into his or her intimate emotional life and finding out what makes your partner happy is crucial. You don’t have to be that insightful or sensitive to notice what makes your partner angry, sad, or worried–but what may be more elusive is what makes your partner happy.

Mary and Robert had been married for seven years. She complained that Robert liked to run the household as if it were his office. He was caring and responsible but always placed tasks before people. He was convinced that he was a good husband because he worked very hard to provide for his family and had never cheated on his wife or done anything immoral or illegal. He couldn’t understand why Mary was unhappy with him. After all, he thought, wasn’t he hardworking, loyal, honest, and responsible? Mary eventually confronted him: “Yes, Robert, you have all those qualities, but you don’t give me what I want.” Throughout their marriage he played the role of the good husband, according to him.

Finally he realized that he was a good husband only if Mary felt loved by him. Mary wanted a husband that focused first on loving her and the kids and then on completing tasks. He also discovered that Mary felt loved by him when he understood and valued her feelings.

Try this once a week: Ask your partner what you could do during that week to bring him or her joy.

3. Validate your partner’s feelings.

Validating your partner’s feelings means valuing what he or she is feeling and showing it through supportive feedback. You don’t need to analyze or judge the validity of those feelings but simply appreciate that he or she shared them.

Mark and Tiffany had difficulty validating each other’s feelings. Their attempts to communicate with each other usually followed a predictable pattern of failure. When Tiffany shared anger, worry, or sadness, Mark tried to help her by offering advice on how to solve or prevent the situation that caused those negative feelings. Tiffany wanted to feel understood.

Whenever Mark gave her unsolicited advice, she became upset with him. Mark, in turn, felt upset that she didn’t appreciate his genuine desire to help with her problem and began to withdraw emotionally. Tiffany felt his detachment and began to resent and criticize his emotional insensitivity and shared her feelings again only with reluctance. Fortunately they broke this negative cycle by learning to validate each other’s feelings. Mark began to validate Tiffany by saying, “I can see how upsetting that was for you. Is there anything that I can do to help you now?” Now their sharing leads to greater emotional intimacy.

Try this: When your partner shares feelings with you, value what he or she shared, without offering solutions or unsolicited advice.

From “Thriving Marriages” 2nd ed. by John Yzaguirre, Ph.D., and Claire Frazier-Yzaguirre, M.Div., M.F.T, New City Press, 2015. http://www.thrivingfamilies.com/

Help for Empty Nesters

While some couples look at the “empty nest” as a second honeymoon, it will end and couples will face the challenges of reinventing their marriage for the second half. For many, this can be a hard time on their marriage. Why?

First, most couples at this point are exhausted and their marriage may be on the back burner. You may be emotionally drained and feel disconnected from your spouse. Second, all those things you’ve been postponing are just waiting for you, thus the tendency is to “get busy” and avoid facing the challenges of this new stage of marriage.

We decided to research this stage of marriage, put together our own national survey, and began what has become a 20-year journey to help us and other empty nest couples reinvent their marriages.

Empty Nest First Aid Tips

• Slow down and get some rest! Take a nap. Go to bed at 8 p.m. Sleep around the clock. You’ll never be able to refocus on your marriage until your life comes back into focus.

• Celebrate! You made it through the active parenting years. Although it is not at all uncommon to become aware of some sense of loss and regret at this time of life, you can counter any of those sentiments by promoting a strong sense of celebration for where you have come and of excitement about your future. Go out to dinner. Have some fun. Have a great date.

• Acknowledge that this is a time of transition. Say to each other, “Things are changing right now and that’s okay.” Change can bring out insecurities that are festering below the surface. Just acknowledging that things are changing can help with the transition. Transitional times can be stressful but they also give you the opportunity to redefine your relationship and to find new fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.

• Resist making immediate decisions about your future until you have some perspective. Realize that things are changing and that you can change with them – but you need to take it slowly. Unfortunately, some spouses who are disappointed with their marriage bolt right out of the relationship as soon as the last kid leaves home. This is a time when the divorce rate soars. Give yourself time to get to know each other again and to revitalize your relationship. Don’t accept new responsibilities for at least three months.

• Plan an empty nest getaway. Go off together. Talk about what is great about your relationship and the areas that needed work. Make a commitment to work on the weak areas and reinvent your marriage.

Empty Nest Challenges

Once you’ve made it through the initial transition into the empty nest, you need to surmount the long term challenges of the second half of your marriage. In our Second Half of Marriage program we look at eight challenges of the empty nest years including the following:

• Let go of the past and forgive one another. Let go of past marital disappointments, missed expectations, and unrealized dreams. You need to forgive each other and choose to make the best of the rest. You may even want to make a list of things you will never do or will never do again. But then make a list of things you want to do in the future.

• Create a partner-focused marriage. In the past you may have focused on your kids and your job. Now is your opportunity to focus on your marriage. You can build a closer more personal relationship in the second half of life. In the first half of marriage we tend to live our lives in response to circumstances such as parenting and career demands. In the second half of marriage you aren’t as controlled by your circumstances and have the freedom to reinvest in your relationship.

• A gender role shift often takes place at this time of life. Men become more nurturing. Women, who generally have been more responsible for the kids, now become more expansive and may choose to go back to school, get a real estate license, or start a new career. It can seem like you are moving in opposite directions, but on a continuum you are actually moving closer to the center. Realizing this can help you capitalize on it and refocus on each other.

• Energize your love life. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Our surveys suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with the number of years married. Your love life in the empty nest can be better than in the parenting years. Look for ways to romance your mate. Think of your love life as a stroll, not a sprint. Enjoy the slower pace. If medical issues arise, be willing to talk to your doctor. Often help is available.

• Adjust to changing roles with adult children and aging parents. Just as you need to release your children, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time your parents are aging and perhaps beginning to experience health problems. Whatever your situation, the relationship with your adults kids and parents affects your marriage. The key is to keep your marriage relationship the anchor relationship. You can handle stress much better when you know one other person understands how you feel. You can’t go back and change your family history, but you can change the future. You can forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.

• Connect with other empty nest couples and encourage them in their marriages. Consider starting your own empty nest group or becoming mentors for a younger couple. Volunteer to start a marriage program in your parish or community. For a wealth of great programs see www.smartmarriages.com.

The empty nest years of your marriage can be a time of incredible fulfillment, no matter what challenges you previously faced. You can reinvent your relationship, renew your friendship, and create a vision for the rest of your marriage.

This article is adapted by the authors from their books “The Second Half of Marriage” and “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.” It originally appeared in Family Perspectives Journal (Summer 2010), a publication of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. Used with permission.