Tag Archives: Empty Nest

Help for Empty Nesters

While some couples look at the “empty nest” as a second honeymoon, it will end and couples will face the challenges of reinventing their marriage for the second half. For many, this can be a hard time on their marriage. Why?

First, most couples at this point are exhausted and their marriage may be on the back burner. You may be emotionally drained and feel disconnected from your spouse. Second, all those things you’ve been postponing are just waiting for you, thus the tendency is to “get busy” and avoid facing the challenges of this new stage of marriage.

We decided to research this stage of marriage, put together our own national survey, and began what has become a 20-year journey to help us and other empty nest couples reinvent their marriages.

Empty Nest First Aid Tips

• Slow down and get some rest! Take a nap. Go to bed at 8 p.m. Sleep around the clock. You’ll never be able to refocus on your marriage until your life comes back into focus.

• Celebrate! You made it through the active parenting years. Although it is not at all uncommon to become aware of some sense of loss and regret at this time of life, you can counter any of those sentiments by promoting a strong sense of celebration for where you have come and of excitement about your future. Go out to dinner. Have some fun. Have a great date.

• Acknowledge that this is a time of transition. Say to each other, “Things are changing right now and that’s okay.” Change can bring out insecurities that are festering below the surface. Just acknowledging that things are changing can help with the transition. Transitional times can be stressful but they also give you the opportunity to redefine your relationship and to find new fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.

• Resist making immediate decisions about your future until you have some perspective. Realize that things are changing and that you can change with them – but you need to take it slowly. Unfortunately, some spouses who are disappointed with their marriage bolt right out of the relationship as soon as the last kid leaves home. This is a time when the divorce rate soars. Give yourself time to get to know each other again and to revitalize your relationship. Don’t accept new responsibilities for at least three months.

• Plan an empty nest getaway. Go off together. Talk about what is great about your relationship and the areas that needed work. Make a commitment to work on the weak areas and reinvent your marriage.

Empty Nest Challenges

Once you’ve made it through the initial transition into the empty nest, you need to surmount the long term challenges of the second half of your marriage. In our Second Half of Marriage program we look at eight challenges of the empty nest years including the following:

• Let go of the past and forgive one another. Let go of past marital disappointments, missed expectations, and unrealized dreams. You need to forgive each other and choose to make the best of the rest. You may even want to make a list of things you will never do or will never do again. But then make a list of things you want to do in the future.

• Create a partner-focused marriage. In the past you may have focused on your kids and your job. Now is your opportunity to focus on your marriage. You can build a closer more personal relationship in the second half of life. In the first half of marriage we tend to live our lives in response to circumstances such as parenting and career demands. In the second half of marriage you aren’t as controlled by your circumstances and have the freedom to reinvest in your relationship.

• A gender role shift often takes place at this time of life. Men become more nurturing. Women, who generally have been more responsible for the kids, now become more expansive and may choose to go back to school, get a real estate license, or start a new career. It can seem like you are moving in opposite directions, but on a continuum you are actually moving closer to the center. Realizing this can help you capitalize on it and refocus on each other.

• Energize your love life. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Our surveys suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with the number of years married. Your love life in the empty nest can be better than in the parenting years. Look for ways to romance your mate. Think of your love life as a stroll, not a sprint. Enjoy the slower pace. If medical issues arise, be willing to talk to your doctor. Often help is available.

• Adjust to changing roles with adult children and aging parents. Just as you need to release your children, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time your parents are aging and perhaps beginning to experience health problems. Whatever your situation, the relationship with your adults kids and parents affects your marriage. The key is to keep your marriage relationship the anchor relationship. You can handle stress much better when you know one other person understands how you feel. You can’t go back and change your family history, but you can change the future. You can forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.

• Connect with other empty nest couples and encourage them in their marriages. Consider starting your own empty nest group or becoming mentors for a younger couple. Volunteer to start a marriage program in your parish or community. For a wealth of great programs see www.smartmarriages.com.

The empty nest years of your marriage can be a time of incredible fulfillment, no matter what challenges you previously faced. You can reinvent your relationship, renew your friendship, and create a vision for the rest of your marriage.

This article is adapted by the authors from their books “The Second Half of Marriage” and “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.” It originally appeared in Family Perspectives Journal (Summer 2010), a publication of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. Used with permission.

Marriage: The Later Years

The later years includes the blissful “empty-nest” season of a marriage that can feel like a second honeymoon. Many couples welcome their new freedom,” while others have a hard time letting go. Sometimes a couple who happily thought they were in the empty-nest stage are faced with a boomerang young adult who again needs their care, presence, home, and perhaps babysitting services. The later years can also bring major health issues and the gradual loss of abilities.

Second marriage couples enter the later years of their lives but it’s the early years of their marriage. Men and women who marry after a divorce or death of a spouse, or after waiting for the right person, experience in their later years some of the same adjustments of young marrieds.

Issues of diminishing health, grief over peers dying, and significant blocks of togetherness time are common. Thus, the wife who married her husband “for better or for worse, but not for lunch together!” becomes a poignant cliché.

How do couples re-negotiate their relationship to take into account their new freedom, increased time together, possibly decreased income, and fading health and energy? Some do it with grace because over the years they’ve learned the marital dance of flexibility and tolerance. Some complain a lot – about life, about each other, about the weather.

Some may want to complain but know that’s not very endearing. Yet they struggle with letting go of the old patterns and roles of their life together. For these couples, the desire to let go with grace may be enough motivation to:

  • Attend a marriage enrichment program geared especially to older couples
  • Explore new hobbies and interests together
  • Volunteer with their church, community, or other good causes that would benefit from their experience
  • Deepen their spirituality to help them deal with the losses and limitations of later life
  • Forgive others’ faults and drop long-held grudges

Other Resources

The Second Half of Marriage small group resource: see listing on the Encouragement and Enrichment page.

For Further Reading

Later Years

The later years include the blissful “empty-nest” season of a marriage that can feel like a second honeymoon. Many couples welcome their new freedom, while others have a hard time letting go. Sometimes a couple who happily thought they were in the empty-nest stage is faced with a boomerang young adult who again needs their care, presence, home, and perhaps babysitting services. The later years can also bring major health issues and the gradual loss of abilities.

Couples who marry later in life enter the later years of their lives but it’s the early years of their marriage. Men and women who marry after a divorce and declaration of nullity, or death of a spouse, or after waiting for the right person, experience in their later years some of the same adjustments as young marrieds.

Issues of diminishing health, grief over peers dying, and significant blocks of togetherness time are common. Thus, the wife who married her husband “for better or for worse, but not for lunch together!” becomes a poignant cliché.

How do couples re-negotiate their relationship to take into account their new freedom, increased time together, possibly decreased income, and fading health and energy? Some do it with grace because over the years they’ve learned the marital dance of flexibility and tolerance. Some complain a lot – about life, about each other, about the weather.

Some may want to complain but know that’s not very endearing. Yet they struggle with letting go of the old patterns and roles of their life together. For these couples, the desire to let go with grace may be enough motivation to:

  • Attend a marriage enrichment program geared especially to older couples
  • Explore new hobbies and interests together
  • Volunteer with their church, community, or other good causes that would benefit from their experience
  • Deepen their spirituality to help them deal with the losses and limitations of later life
  • Forgive others’ faults and drop long-held grudges

For Further Reading:

The Empty Nest

The Situation

Tom and Maribeth are college sweethearts married 29 years. They feel they have a stable marriage that has involved raising four children. It has been a wild ride of parenthood with a few hair-raising experiences. Still, they both agree that all four have been successfully launched into adulthood. And now that their youngest has recently married, they are truly an “empty nest” marriage, not just the “shifting nest” of college years and a few years beyond.

The couple has been very involved parents from the moment their first child was born after two years of marriage. Life with four children was busy and parenting was often emotionally draining and exhausting. Many days they found themselves waving goodbye to each other as they split up to take the children to their separate events and activities. They seemed to never have enough time for each other and would talk yearningly about how things would be when the kids were grown and they were simply a couple again.

Now that time has come. To their surprise, Tom and Maribeth aren’t sure just how to begin living it. They have devoted so much of themselves to raising a family, and much of their communication has been directed to that end. They find themselves experiencing a strange emptiness in their daily lives and even feel uncomfortable in their conversations together. They both are deeply committed to each other but aren’t sure just what the “good life” of being a twosome again will be for them.

A Response

No wonder Tom and Maribeth are feeling unsettled and out of balance. They are transitioning from one life cycle stage of their marriage to another major stage that involves new challenges as well as adventures. This isn’t the first life cycle change they have experienced in their marriage. They have journeyed together through the newly married stage, first child stage, elementary school and adolescent stages, and the launching stage of beginning to see their children as adults. Each stage involves developmental, emotional, and spiritual tasks that take gradual readjustments.

Indeed, the couple has already renegotiated several new marriage relationships through these various life cycle changes. Each time, they have adjusted their roles and learned new skills as they moved into the unknown future of the next stage. Since they are facing change, they will feel unsteady and possibly tend to resist it, even if unconsciously. The more they understand how to navigate the predictable changes of this next stage, the easier it will be for them to make a smooth transition together.

Reconnecting

In the best of situations, it is a challenge for married couples to stay in tune with each other in the midst of parenting tasks and responsibilities. Their communication style can suffer as they concentrate on daily busyness and fail to connect on a level of intimate friendship. Taking time daily to talk about each person’s ups and downs of the day is a good beginning. Some couples develop a habit of a daily walk together. Others sit on the patio after work. When partners communicate on a vulnerable level, sharing their important thoughts and feelings regularly, they reconnect and bonding occurs.

Redefining the Relationship

Sometimes a marriage has been too child-centered to the detriment of the couple relationship. It is important for couples entering any stage of marriage to commit to keeping the relationship “partner-centered.” In a “we-centered” marriage, the couple’s love relationship is central in their daily lives. This allows their love to flow outwards to their children and others. The Church makes it clear that couples are called to love one another in an extraordinary fashion. A good way to begin redefining the marriage is to reread your wedding vows to one another.

Reinvesting in New Growth

Allowing oneself to grieve the loss of particular roles enjoyed during parenting years is a healthy start to new growth. Discussing openly the strengths and limitations of the relationship and setting new goals together is also helpful. Letting go of old hurts and resentments is a necessary step towards growing healthier and holier in the marriage. Sometimes professional help may be needed.

Empty Nest couples, like Tom and Maribeth, are called to new choices, more freedoms, and new ways of loving each other in this grace-filled stage of marriage. An excellent book for empty nesters is The Second Half of Marriage by David and Claudia Arp.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.