Tag Archives: Elderly

Hard Decisions and Life-Giving Missions

My wife, Anna, and I are not the typical NFP couple. Our current life is not the typical family life either. We have had the unexpected challenge of sickness change our family life and our mission as a married couple.

Anna and I are both Secular Franciscans. We are called as a couple to “to observe the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ by following the example of Saint Francis of Assisi” by simplifying our material needs, being a leaven in our society, and seeing Franciscan universal kinship with all of creation. Our family includes our three children Penelope, Seth and Rose and my ninety-three-year-old father-in-law. Rose, our youngest, has a rare genetic condition known as Velo-Cardio-Facial Syndrome (VCFS). My father-in-law has Alzheimer’s disease.

Rose’s VCFS can cause over two-hundred heath complications. From heart defects to schizophrenia, the complications are an ever present source of concern for Anna and myself. Usually a child does not have all two-hundred illnesses, but typically a cluster of a dozen or so health problems will result. For Rose,the first two years of her life found our family living at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. In that time, Rose received two open heart surgeries among the many conditions treated. Today we have more than your average number of doctor visits since we have to stay vigilant with regard to Rose’s health.

With the addition of my father-in-law to the family, the challenge of Alzheimer’s disease has had a great impact on our daily lives. Just as Francis’ great conversion occurred when he saw Christ in the leper, so our family is seeing the poor and crucified Christ in my father-in-law as he declines.

When ill health strikes family members, it adds a dimension of life challenges that spouses never anticipate! In fact, Anna and I believed that our mission as a married couple has expanded because of the needs of Rose and Grandpa. This understanding has impacted how we live the NFP lifestyle.

We have tried many NFP methods. After Rose’s birth, and due to the health care challenges that we now face, Anna and I discerned that God has given us a new mission—the caring for the special needs of Rose and Grandpa. Anna and I have discerned that we cannot have more children. This led us to search for an NFP method that could provide the most information about our combined fertility. We found that the Marquette Model satisfied this need.

The Marquette Method has been an answer to our prayers. After an email conversation with Dr. Fehring (director of the NFP Institute at Marquette University), we adopted a conservative version of the Marquette Method. The method helps us identify the post-ovulatory time in the woman’s cycle that is consistently infertile. For us, it is only about ten days which isn’t much in a busy family!

As Secular Franciscans our rule calls us to acquire purity of heart and for those who are married to live out the grace of matrimony bearing witness to the “love of Christ for his Church.” I am convinced that no NFP method will work correctly in a marriage unless purity of heart has a central place in the couple’s discernment process. For us,we needed an NFP method which would allow us to carry out our mission of caring for our daughter and father-in-law and still allow us to live the grace of matrimony in its fullest sense.It was a hard decision, but one made with trust and generosity!

Andrew Martin and his family live in the Archdiocese of Washington.

Lenten Resolutions for Married Couples, Inspired by Pope Francis

Are you wondering how to grow in holiness this Lent, together with your spouse? Try following some advice from the Pope! In his homilies and addresses, Pope Francis has spoken quite directly about how husband and wife should treat each other, about prayer within the family, and other ways the family lives its identity as a “domestic Church.” So this Lent, why not commit with your spouse to try one of the following Lenten resolutions, based on words from the Holy Father?

1. Be courteous to your spouse. Use polite requests: “May I? Can I?” For example, “Would you like for us to do this?” and “Do you want to go out tonight?”

“To ask permission means to know how to enter with courtesy into the lives of others. …True love does not impose itself harshly and aggressively.” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014.)

2. Say “thank you” to your spouse. “It seems so easy to say these words, but we know that it is not. But it is important! … It is important to keep alive the awareness that the other person is a gift from God – and for the gifts of God we say thank you!” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

3. Ask forgiveness from your spouse. Say, “I’m sorry.”

“Let us learn to acknowledge our mistakes and to ask to forgiveness. ‘Forgive me if today I raised my voice’; ‘I’m sorry if I passed without greeting you’; ‘excuse me if I was late’.” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

“Never let the sun go down without making peace! Never, never, never!” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

“It is important to have the courage to ask forgiveness when we are at fault in the family.” (Address to Participants in the Pilgrimage of Families, Rome, Oct. 26, 2013)

4. Pray together with your spouse and family.

“Praying the Our Father together, around the table, is not something extraordinary: it’s easy. And praying the Rosary together, as a family, is very beautiful and a source of great strength! And also praying for one another! The husband for his wife, the wife for her husband, both together for their children, the children for their grandparents…praying for each other. This is what it means to pray in the family and it is what makes the family strong: prayer.” (Homily for Family Day, Rome, Oct. 27, 2013)

Pray to the Lord to “multiply your love and give it to you fresh and good each day.” Pray together, “Lord, give us this day our daily love.” (Address to Engaged Couples, Rome, Feb. 14, 2014)

5. Visit the elderly, especially your grandparents. “Grandparents are like the wisdom of the family, they are the wisdom of a people. … Listen to your grandparents.” (Address to Participants in the Pilgrimage of Families, Rome, Oct. 26, 2013)

“How important grandparents are for family life, for passing on the human and religious heritage which is so essential for each and every society!” (Angelus at World Youth Day, Rio de Janeiro, July 26, 2013)

6. Share the faith with others. “Christian families are missionary families. …They are missionary also in everyday life, in their doing everyday things, as they bring to everything the salt and the leaven of faith!” (Homily for Family Day, Rome, Oct. 27, 2013)

About the author
Bethany Meola is the former Assistant Director of the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth. She hopes to grow in holiness during Lent with her husband, Dan.

Grandparents: Keepers of the Family’s Stories

All families have a unique history comprised of milestone events and peopled by a diverse cast of characters. This history of a family is passed on in the telling of its stories. The richest families are those in which the stories have been remembered, treasured, and incorporated into the spirit of the family.

Grandparents, more than anyone else, are the keepers of the family stories. They are a living bridge between the past and the future of a family. Their intimate connection with the two generations that preceded them and the two that follow gives them a remarkable knowledge and view of the landscape of five generations.

When grandchildren hear the family’s stories they learn who they are and from where they came. Research has shown that children who know something of their roots and the history of their family have stronger self-esteem. Through the family stories, children are given a sense of belonging and they develop a family pride. Stories about the family ancestors tend to build confidence in children and empower them.

Along with self-confidence and family pride, the family stories teach the faith, ethics and values of a family. Our faith stories help us to see how God has worked in the family story and brought us to where we are today. They link us to the good and saintly people who have been part of the family chain, and these people provide models for newer generations. Children need heroes with whom to identify and they are greatly enriched if they can find people in their own families to inspire and give them direction.

Children love long-ago and far-away stories. To them 50 years is long ago and another town, state, or part of the country can be far away. They are captivated by the adventure and excitement of times past and are fans of books like Little House on the Prairie, Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Yet, if they could peer into their own family history, they might find stories that would equal any of those they read about. Unfortunately, most of those long-ago and far-away tales have disappeared from family memory.

Few families have held on to more than a couple generations of the family stories. Unless someone in the family tells the stories, they are lost, and when the family stories are lost a piece of the family’s soul and identity is lost. Maintaining and passing on the family stories is a precious gift that grandparents can give to their grandchildren.

Here are some ways that grandparents can share family stories with their grandchildren:

  • Compose and frame a collage of the previous generations of your family.
  • Compile an electonic photo album of past generations for your grandchildren.
  • Write a history of your family.
  • Buy a grandparent book and record your story for your family.
  • Frame your ancestoral pictures and create a gallery wall in your home.
  • Tell stories of what life was like when you were a child. Tell your grandchildren about your parents and grandparents.
  • Create a family cookbook with favorite family recipes and the stories that go with them.
  • Take your grandchildren to visit the ancestoral home and church of your family.
  • Create a family time-line of births, deaths, significant events. Have your grandchildren add their births and discuss how they are part of the larger on-going family.
  • Create a family tree. Include as many generations as you can.
  • Recover the stories – talk to other family members: cousins, aunts, uncles, parents to try to learn more of the family stories.
  • Join an on-line genealogy service such as Ancestory.com to explore more about your family.
  • Tell your grandchild the story of their parent’s childhood.

For Further Reading

  • A Grandparent’s Gift of Memories: A Pilgrimage with the Saints by Nancy Grove. This is a simple yet beautiful journal that interweaves stories of the saints with space for grandparents to share their own wisdom and life experiences with generations to come. Each section of the book starts off with a brief biography about a saint and a short passage from Scripture. The following pages contain questions and room for grandparents to reminisce and write their responses.

This article is based on a chapter from the Aitchisons’ small-group discussion-program, “The Grand Adventure – A New Call to Grandparenting.” More information about this 6-session program, published electronically by the Christian Family Movement, is available on the CFM website.

About the authors
Deacon Gary and Kay Aitchison live in Ames, Iowa and have 14 grandchildren.Over the years, they have shared with many parents and grandparents through their involvement in the Christian Family Movement.

Grandparents: Models, Mentors and Memory-Makers

For more information about the first annual World Day for Grandparents and the Elderly, please visit the USCCB Website.

 

Every child deserves a grandparent who will love unconditionally, and every grandparent needs the opportunity to love and be loved. While it may not take an entire village to raise a child, it certainly takes a loving family. Grandparents are a crucial ingredient in the family mix. They have a unique connection to their grandchildren and a wealth of gifts, talents, and wisdom to share with them.

For many families, family life is spinning out of control. Parents are increasingly busy, and family life is more often like a pressure cooker than a warm, bubbly stew. The demands of dual careers and an abundance of outside activities leave far too little parent-child time. Grandparents can make a huge difference to these busy families.

Grandchildren and grandparents have a very special connection. The late humorist Sam Levinson once described it by saying, “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy!”

Grandparents as Models and Mentors

Grandparents have many things to teach their grandchildren, both by their modeling and their mentoring. Having lived many years and experienced a great deal, their knowledge can ease and enrich their grandchildren’s lives in a variety of ways.

Grandparents are powerful models for their grandchildren, and their actions and example often speak louder than their words. From grandparents, children learn both attitudes and values. Grandparents show grandchildren how to be good citizens; they are witnesses to their faith; and they are models for aging. Their very presence exposes children to the seasons of life and teaches them respect for other ages and stages of life.

Grandparents are made-to-order mentors. They have a storehouse of wisdom to share. Over the years, they have honed their gifts and talents, learned valuable skills, and developed interests that are advantageous, educational, and beneficial to their grandchildren. Their life experience can guide and teach their grandchildren.

Grandparents mentor grandchildren when they share a skill or new activity, such as baking cookies, knitting a scarf, building a birdhouse, visiting a museum, or taking a nature walk. Grandparents have an abundance of experience, which they often take for granted, and they almost always have more time than parents. Most grandchildren welcome the opportunity to try something new with a grandparent.

Grandparents Build Memories

Grandparents are ideal memory-makers. By spending time and mentoring their grandchildren, they can build valuable memories that will last a lifetime. They don’t need a trip to Disneyland to do so, but they do need a willingness to share their time and talent. If you are a grandparent who wants to try something new, birthdays and holidays are opportune times. Consider making a birthday banner that the grandkids might even help create. Make one-of-a-kind personalized birthday cards with a picture of the birthday child. Give gift certificates for overnights at grandma’s and grandpa’s house or a special date. Write a letter to your grandchild explaining your excitement when he or she was born. Take your grandchild on a memorable trip or adventure for a milestone birthday.

Organizing an annual cousins’ camp or family reunion at the grandparents’ house or an away-place is a sure way to build memories. Design a family T-shirt for everyone, establish special games and activities such as a scavenger hunt, bingo game or tug-of-war that can be repeated year after year. Make special foods.

Another ongoing memory-maker is to create a family calendar each year with pictures of the family and birthdays highlighted. Invite grandchildren and their parents to submit family photos.

Grandparents can build memories by working on a joint project or developing a mutual hobby like stamp or coin collecting. Grandkids who are into sports love to have their grandparents follow the same sports teams and compare notes.

Grandparents build memories when they invite a grandchild to share in a service project or join them in sponsoring a child from another country. (Check out Christian Foundation for Children and Aging.)

Today, fewer and fewer grandparents and grandchildren live in the same community. A great many of the more than 70 million grandparents in the U.S. are long-distance grandparents. Both parents and grandparents must be creative to keep the two grands connected. E-mail, video calls, texting, cell phones, and snail mail become important avenues for staying in touch. The lines of communication can be kept open by sending stories, jokes, riddles, or creating an ongoing tale by e-mail. One grandmother’s newsy letters to her grandchildren, about God, nature, and everyday family happenings, became a book: “Letters to Grand Children” by Elaine Mayer was published in 2009 by Trafford.

Grandparents are unique models and mentors. The ages of their grandchildren will determine the experiences, activities, and adventures that can be shared. As children grow out of some activities, they will grow into others. Interaction with their grandparents is bound to enrich their lives and leave them with a storehouse of unforgettable memories.

This article is based on a chapter from the Aitchisons’ small-group discussion program, “The Grand Adventure – A New Call to Grandparenting.” More information about this 6-session program, published electronically by The Christian Family Movement, is available on the CFM website.

About the authors 
Deacon Gary and Kay Aitchison live in Ames, Iowa, and have 14 grandchildren. Over the years, they have shared with many parents and grandparents through their involvement in the Christian Family Movement.

Help for Empty Nesters

While some couples look at the “empty nest” as a second honeymoon, it will end and couples will face the challenges of reinventing their marriage for the second half. For many, this can be a hard time on their marriage. Why?

First, most couples at this point are exhausted and their marriage may be on the back burner. You may be emotionally drained and feel disconnected from your spouse. Second, all those things you’ve been postponing are just waiting for you, thus the tendency is to “get busy” and avoid facing the challenges of this new stage of marriage.

We decided to research this stage of marriage, put together our own national survey, and began what has become a 20-year journey to help us and other empty nest couples reinvent their marriages.

Empty Nest First Aid Tips

• Slow down and get some rest! Take a nap. Go to bed at 8 p.m. Sleep around the clock. You’ll never be able to refocus on your marriage until your life comes back into focus.

• Celebrate! You made it through the active parenting years. Although it is not at all uncommon to become aware of some sense of loss and regret at this time of life, you can counter any of those sentiments by promoting a strong sense of celebration for where you have come and of excitement about your future. Go out to dinner. Have some fun. Have a great date.

• Acknowledge that this is a time of transition. Say to each other, “Things are changing right now and that’s okay.” Change can bring out insecurities that are festering below the surface. Just acknowledging that things are changing can help with the transition. Transitional times can be stressful but they also give you the opportunity to redefine your relationship and to find new fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.

• Resist making immediate decisions about your future until you have some perspective. Realize that things are changing and that you can change with them – but you need to take it slowly. Unfortunately, some spouses who are disappointed with their marriage bolt right out of the relationship as soon as the last kid leaves home. This is a time when the divorce rate soars. Give yourself time to get to know each other again and to revitalize your relationship. Don’t accept new responsibilities for at least three months.

• Plan an empty nest getaway. Go off together. Talk about what is great about your relationship and the areas that needed work. Make a commitment to work on the weak areas and reinvent your marriage.

Empty Nest Challenges

Once you’ve made it through the initial transition into the empty nest, you need to surmount the long term challenges of the second half of your marriage. In our Second Half of Marriage program we look at eight challenges of the empty nest years including the following:

• Let go of the past and forgive one another. Let go of past marital disappointments, missed expectations, and unrealized dreams. You need to forgive each other and choose to make the best of the rest. You may even want to make a list of things you will never do or will never do again. But then make a list of things you want to do in the future.

• Create a partner-focused marriage. In the past you may have focused on your kids and your job. Now is your opportunity to focus on your marriage. You can build a closer more personal relationship in the second half of life. In the first half of marriage we tend to live our lives in response to circumstances such as parenting and career demands. In the second half of marriage you aren’t as controlled by your circumstances and have the freedom to reinvest in your relationship.

• A gender role shift often takes place at this time of life. Men become more nurturing. Women, who generally have been more responsible for the kids, now become more expansive and may choose to go back to school, get a real estate license, or start a new career. It can seem like you are moving in opposite directions, but on a continuum you are actually moving closer to the center. Realizing this can help you capitalize on it and refocus on each other.

• Energize your love life. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Our surveys suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with the number of years married. Your love life in the empty nest can be better than in the parenting years. Look for ways to romance your mate. Think of your love life as a stroll, not a sprint. Enjoy the slower pace. If medical issues arise, be willing to talk to your doctor. Often help is available.

• Adjust to changing roles with adult children and aging parents. Just as you need to release your children, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time your parents are aging and perhaps beginning to experience health problems. Whatever your situation, the relationship with your adults kids and parents affects your marriage. The key is to keep your marriage relationship the anchor relationship. You can handle stress much better when you know one other person understands how you feel. You can’t go back and change your family history, but you can change the future. You can forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.

• Connect with other empty nest couples and encourage them in their marriages. Consider starting your own empty nest group or becoming mentors for a younger couple. Volunteer to start a marriage program in your parish or community. For a wealth of great programs see www.smartmarriages.com.

The empty nest years of your marriage can be a time of incredible fulfillment, no matter what challenges you previously faced. You can reinvent your relationship, renew your friendship, and create a vision for the rest of your marriage.

This article is adapted by the authors from their books “The Second Half of Marriage” and “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.” It originally appeared in Family Perspectives Journal (Summer 2010), a publication of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. Used with permission.

Marriage: The Later Years

The later years includes the blissful “empty-nest” season of a marriage that can feel like a second honeymoon. Many couples welcome their new freedom,” while others have a hard time letting go. Sometimes a couple who happily thought they were in the empty-nest stage are faced with a boomerang young adult who again needs their care, presence, home, and perhaps babysitting services. The later years can also bring major health issues and the gradual loss of abilities.

Second marriage couples enter the later years of their lives but it’s the early years of their marriage. Men and women who marry after a divorce or death of a spouse, or after waiting for the right person, experience in their later years some of the same adjustments of young marrieds.

Issues of diminishing health, grief over peers dying, and significant blocks of togetherness time are common. Thus, the wife who married her husband “for better or for worse, but not for lunch together!” becomes a poignant cliché.

How do couples re-negotiate their relationship to take into account their new freedom, increased time together, possibly decreased income, and fading health and energy? Some do it with grace because over the years they’ve learned the marital dance of flexibility and tolerance. Some complain a lot – about life, about each other, about the weather.

Some may want to complain but know that’s not very endearing. Yet they struggle with letting go of the old patterns and roles of their life together. For these couples, the desire to let go with grace may be enough motivation to:

  • Attend a marriage enrichment program geared especially to older couples
  • Explore new hobbies and interests together
  • Volunteer with their church, community, or other good causes that would benefit from their experience
  • Deepen their spirituality to help them deal with the losses and limitations of later life
  • Forgive others’ faults and drop long-held grudges

Other Resources

The Second Half of Marriage small group resource: see listing on the Encouragement and Enrichment page.

For Further Reading

Caring for Children While You Care for Aging Parents

If you’re a member of the “sandwich generation,” taking care of your aging parent as well as your children, it’s hard to shake the feeling that if you focus on one generation you’re losing sight of the needs of the other.

It can help to remember that your taking care of your parent is good for your children, too. How so?

You’re right that your kids also make a sacrifice because you can’t be around as much as the they would like you to be and, most likely, they have to do more–become more responsible–because you can’t be there. (Maybe they have to make their own lunch to take to school. Or you can’t be a chaperone at some school event even though you were able to do that a year or so ago.)

Yes, in some ways a child is being deprived of what a parent might be able to give if he or she didn’t have caregiving obligations to an older family member (or to a spouse who is ill or to a child with special needs). From another perspective, Mom or Dad is giving something to that child or those children that he or she otherwise couldn’t give. We mean a front-row view of love in action without any possibility of mistaking the unchangeable fact that true love demands service and sacrifice.

Still . . . it can be a lot to put on little shoulders. All they may see at first glance is that Mom or Dad isn’t there (or is there but is exhausted from caregiving and holding down a job) and they miss not just what that parent does for them (nice meals, rides to practice, and so on) but also that person himself or herself. They miss the time spent together. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re taking care of an aging parent and your children:

  • Talk about caregiving at a time when neither you nor your child are tired and emotions are not running high.
  • Do something special with each child, one-on-one.
  • Explain what it’s like to be a care-receiver, how it can be hard to accept help. Talk about why you’re taking care of Grandpa or Grandma and explain, in an age-appropriate way, what his or her condition is.
  • Work at establishing a link between your children and your parent. Let them have some time together.
  • Remember children can, in small ways, help with caregiving, too.
  • Teach what respectful care means and explain the difference between “dignity” and “dignified.” Yes, at times, a situation may be less than “dignified” but a person must be treated with dignity.
  • Remember to thank the child for making sacrifices and for helping you help your mother or father.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

The Sandwich Generation

The “sandwich generation” is a good description. There’s pressure from both sides and sometimes it gets messy in the middle. That’s what it can feel like if you’re taking care of your children as well as your aging parent.

Add in a spouse and a job and it’s no wonder it often seems a twenty-four-hour day and seven-day week just aren’t enough for all you have to do.

Then, too, from the time all of us were little we were taught there is a right way and a wrong way to accomplish a task. Maybe your parent took care of Grandma or Grandpa. Your spouse took care of your mother- or father-in-law. Your friends or co-workers seem to be able to handle their situations. But you . . . .

When you realize you can’t do all the things you’re supposed to do–all the things other people have done or are doing–you feel inadequate and even guilty.

You think you’re letting everyone down. If you just worked a little harder, slept a little less, sacrificed a little more. . .

If you find yourself in that situation, or feel yourself sinking into it, these suggestions might help:

  • Remember there is no single right way to do this. Trying to exactly mimic what another person has done probably isn’t going to work. Each case is unique because the personalities and problems in each case are unique.
  • If you don’t take care of yourself–take time to eat, sleep, catch your breath and pray–you will burn out quickly and be of little use to anyone, including yourself. The situation in which you find yourself is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Yes, someday it will end but that may be a long, long time from now. In the meantime, if you do not pace yourself, sometimes even pamper yourself, you won’t be able to keep going. That’s not because you’re weak, it’s because you’re human.
  • The big picture can look and feel overwhelming. Sometimes it helps to break it down into the many tiny pieces that make up the whole. What you have to do for your parent, your children, your spouse, your job, and yourself. The lists may be long but somehow no single item is overpowering.
  • Prioritize your tasks. Making those lists helps. Obviously, getting Mom to her doctor’s appointment is more important than vacuuming her apartment.
  • Give away some of the low-priority duties. Someone else can be hired to do the apartment cleaning. Someone else–the bakery department at the local grocery store–can supply the brownies you’re supposed to send to the next Cub Scout den meeting.
  • Get support for yourself. Groups for caregivers and organizations that focus on your parent’s particular illness or condition can help you deal with what you are facing. Doctors, social workers, and the Area Agency on Aging can give you local contacts.
  • Write it down: dates and schedules and all that information from doctors, therapists, pharmacists, teachers, coaches, your boss, your spouse, your kids . . . . There’s no way a person can remember all the things you need to remember.

It may seem the day is completely packed but if you jot down your own “to do” list, you may discover there’s half an hour free here or there. A little oasis like that gives you something to look forward to. It’s a short break to partially recharge your batteries before you have to go, go, go again.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional, and spiritual needs of family caregivers.