Tag Archives: Dating & Engaged

Why Marry in the Catholic Church?

If you are beginning to dream about getting married you may also be thinking about where to hold your wedding ceremony. Every couple wants their wedding to be a memorable event and wants the ceremony to have a special meaning. The wedding day is one of the most important days in a couple’s life. You probably have friends who have found very creative ways to celebrate this day. Some may have selected natural settings such as beaches or mountains, or intimate settings such a parent’s or a friend’s home.

If you and/or your fiance(e) is Catholic, you are expected to marry in a Catholic church unless you have received permission to marry elsewhere. But marrying in a church is much more than an obligation. It’s an opportunity to hold a celebration that is joyful and meaningful, one that can have a positive impact on the rest of your married life.

What can be more romantic than the centuries-old tradition of walking down the aisle in a parish church full of family and friends? What is more reassuring for the couple than being surrounded by the people who love them and who will give them ongoing support? What is more meaningful than reciting wedding vows handed down by Christian tradition? What is more awe-inspiring than a rite through which you enter a spiritual reality where God unites you as husband and wife and gives you an important mission?

In the Catholic tradition, husband and wife accept a role in God’s plan for humanity. They are to be ambassadors of God’s love. Through their love for each other, they show God’s deep love for us, and they collaborate with God to keep humanity alive. The Catholic Church considers marriage a sacrament, a vehicle for God’s graces to the couple and to the community.

The Promise of Permanence

The focal point of any wedding ceremony is the exchange of consent, often called the wedding vows. The promises are not simply a ritual that defines the relationship of two people in love. They are much more. They are a sacred pact through which the spouses embrace each other and, together, embrace Christ as their partner. The pledge they make is unbreakable because through their union with Christ they participate in the unbreakable pact between God and humanity: the covenant that was sealed in the death and resurrection of Jesus.

A permanent commitment is an inherent attribute of the marital relationship. All couples who marry want their marriage to last a lifetime. Researchers tell us that the presence of an irrevocable commitment contributes to the happiness of the spouses. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, the authors of The Case for Marriage, write: “Having a partner who is committed for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, makes people happier and healthier.”

But married life is difficult and today many couples find it hard to keep their promises. Many young people have grown up experiencing the pain of divorce. While wanting to marry, they find it hard to believe that marriages can last a lifetime. They are afraid to commit. One of the benefits of a sacramental marriage in the Catholic Church is the power of God’s grace, which helps spouses keep their commitment and find happiness together. Social scientists are finding that couples who recognize God’s presence in their relationship are most satisfied in their marriages and are least likely to put their children, families, and friends through the pain of a divorce.

Experiencing God’s Grace

Couples of faith are more successful and satisfied in marriage not because they have fewer problems than anyone else. What helps these couples grow and overcome obstacles is the help they find in God’s grace. Recently we asked some couples: “How do you experience God’s grace in your marriage?”

A wife married 28 years said: “We experience God’s grace in our marriage through the seasons of our life. He was present when we were newlyweds, when we had young children, and he is present now that we are empty nesters. He gives us strength in the tough times and celebrates with us the good times.”

A husband married 43 years said, “I experience God’s grace in the love and support I receive from my wife. Her care and patience are gifts I do not deserve. They are grace.”

Another husband married 15 years said, “I feel God’s grace when life gets out of control — loss of a job. I know I can turn to God and find the courage I need to carry on.”

A wife married 20 years said, “There are times when we are having an argument and we go to church still upset with each other. We hear a reading that speaks right to us. We look at each other and smirk because we know that God has touched our stubbornness. This is grace.”

God’s grace is all around because the spouses do not travel their journey alone. Blessed Pope John Paul II said: “Jesus does not stand by and leave you alone to face the challenge. He is always with you to transform your weakness into strength. Trust him when he says: ‘My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ (2 Cor. 12:9)”

Marriage in the Catholic Church is attractive not only because of its meaningful rituals and traditions, but because of its impact on your life and happiness. Couples can fully appreciate its value they look at married life through the eyes of faith. Then you will see your wedding not as a one-day event but as the door to a great adventure that will last the rest of your life, a journey that involves not just you and your spouse but one that includes God, your children, your community, and all of society. Marriage is not an isolated relationship. The family-based on marriage is the fundamental cell of human society. The Catholic Church invites you to give meaning to your life by embracing the vocation of marriage and forming a family that is dedicated to cultivating and sharing God’s love.

When you are ready to make your commitment, speak to your pastor and ask for his guidance on preparing for such a noble vocation.

Which Catholic (or Other) Dating Website Is Right for Me?

The United States has almost 60 million people registered on over 1,500 online dating sites. These numbers can be a bit overwhelming, so it is helpful to go over sites that might be most useful to Catholics. There are two basic types: general dating sites that have large numbers of people and those that are specifically Catholic dating sites.

General Dating Sites

Match.com typifies a general dating site. You begin by setting up a profile. Match.com asks a series of questions about you, your interests, lifestyle and background, and values. At the end of the questions, Match.com encourages you to post a picture of yourself to generate greater interest in your profile. Once your profile is set up, you can search by age, interests, zip code, gender, or even keywords. This searching ability is necessary as Match.com has more than 20 million users. (Its already high number of users increased in 2010 when it absorbed Yahoo! Personals.)

If you worry about being able to sort through these numbers yourself, you can use the Match.com sister site, Chemistry.com. Chemistry.com has you take a personality test and then uses this information to suggest people who would be a good match, ideally for long-term relationships.

eHarmony is another large dating site, also around 20 million users, and focuses on people who are interested in marital relationships. To set up a profile on eHarmony, you take a personality questionnaire consisting of over 400 questions. Your answers are analyzed by eHarmony’s “patented Compatibility Matching System” that uses personality traits to match individuals. This process eliminates those interested in casual dating and attracts those who are looking for serious relationships. Some believe that this is the reason eHarmony is one of the few online dating sites that has more women than men. eHarmony’s uniqueness and popularity are reflected in its approximately $ 50-a-month cost.

While there are other general dating sites, Match.com and eHarmony are the most prominent. Other general sites operate in a similar manner but typically have some features that distinguish them from these two goliaths. The best examples include Coffee Meets Bagel, which uses your Facebook profile to find matches and allows women to contact men who have already expressed interest in them. Zoosk also works through Facebook and other social networking sites. These sites have around 10 million users each.

These sites can be useful for Catholics for a number of reasons. First, they provide a large pool of potential matches and they all have a large number of Catholics present on them. Second, they all have ways of indicating how important your faith is to you and matching you with people based on this characteristic. The limitation is that it’s up to you to indicate how important your faith is and what values you hold most important. You must take the initiative in attending to those whose faith and morals seem compatible. In short, these sites have lots of people and many useful tools for matching, but it’s your responsibility to make your faith a key component of these matches.

Catholic Dating Sites

Catholic dating sites have opposite strengths and weaknesses. On the one hand, they make faith and morals central to the process of matching. They facilitate both talking and learning about the faith. Their weakness is that they have smaller numbers of users.

Catholic dating sites all function similarly to general dating sites with profiles, search options, and messaging systems. They supplement helping people find matches by providing articles and advice columns about the Catholic faith. Finally, they all charge around $20 a month, lower if you sign up for six months. CatholicMatch and CatholicSingles are two of the more prominent sites.

CatholicMatch is run by Acolyte, LLC (whose founder is a Catholic) and is one of the largest dating sites specifically for Catholics. Its perspective is expressed through its seven “Do you agree with the Catholic Church’s teaching on…” questions that everyone must answer when they set up their profile. (These questions focus on the Eucharist, premarital sex, contraception, life issues, papal infallibility, Mary, and Holy Orders.) These questions can be answered by agreeing, slightly agreeing, or not agreeing, and the answers are used to find matches. CatholicMatch also runs the CatholicMatch Institute, which features success stories from CatholicMatch couples as well as dating and marriage advice.

CatholicSingles, another large dating site, aims to connect faithful Catholics by focusing on their activities and interests, rather than pictures. Users are asked to provide information on their personality, family background, spending habits, and how often they pray and go to mass. In addition to answering classic prompts such as “My ideal first date might be,” users on CatholicSingles can add responses to “How religion plays a role in my daily life” and “What being Catholic means to me” to their profiles. Singles can filter for potential matches by age and location. Unlike CatholicMatch, they do not ask questions on whether you agree with Church teachings or not.

A third Catholic dating site launched in 2018. CatholicChemistry promises both a fresh approach to dating and a streamlined interface. Founder Chuck Gallucci says, “We want CatholicChemistry to be more than a meeting place for Catholic singles. Every aspect of the user experience is designed to lead people towards deeper fidelity and appreciation of their faith.” Like CatholicMatch, the site also asks users’ opinions on Church teaching, but allows users to select if they’re unsure but open to learning more. Once you’ve created a profile, you can filter potential matches by age, location, mass attendance, liturgy preferences, and answers to faith-related questions.

The one site that is slightly different is AveMariaSingles. It focuses on a very specific Catholic audience. The website “pledges to offer a service solely dedicated to helping faithful, practicing Catholics find their future spouse and help them become a better follower of Christ.” The site is for Catholics who are able to marry in the Church and are opposed to using contraception. Members have discerned a vocation to sacramental marriage but have not yet found the right person. AveMariaSingles offers a slightly different payment plan: a one-time fee of $97 that allows permanent access to the site. The result of this approach is a highly active membership that is just over 10,000 people.

While this list of sites is not exhaustive, it should give you a sense of the kind of sites that are available as well as their popularity and usefulness.

For Further Reading

Disclaimer: The websites listed do not imply and are not to be used as official endorsements by the USCCB of the sites or those associated with them. The sites listed are solely intended as a resource regarding sites that might be of interest to For Your Marriage visitors.

Can Dating Websites Help You Find a Spouse?

With almost 40 million of the U.S. population having tried internet dating, it has become one of the largest online industries, grossing almost two billion dollars in 2011. eHarmony and Match.com have over 30 million users combined and the sites that focus mainly on Catholics—Catholicmingle.com, Catholicmatch.com and Avemariasingles.com—account for well over 200,000 individuals.

Given these numbers, it is fair to ask how helpful these sites are for finding successful relationships, including marital ones.

How do these websites help?

• These sites enable you to overcome many geographical limitations. Online sites expand the range of people you might meet. You can contact others of similar interests that are beyond where you work, live, and worship.

• You have a better chance of meeting people with similar beliefs. The websites either match you with people based on your preferences or provide tools that enable you to do the searching yourself. The Catholic sites have the added advantage of emphasizing a person’s faith. This enables people to discuss their beliefs up front, in the first few interactions, instead of after several conversations or dates. As shared values are essential for successful relationships and marriage, it is helpful to discuss them as you get to know someone and before you move forward in a relationship.

• The sites make it easier to meet people in-person, the best way to evaluate the potential for a relationship. They help you draw from a large pool of individuals to find those who might be of interest to you. After a few interactions online, the sites often suggest a short meeting in a public place, like a coffee shop, to see if you want to continue getting to know the other person. (Three or four online interactions seem to be ideal as by then you know if you are interested and you have found out most of what you can without meeting in person.) Many of the sites even sponsor events for users to facilitate these face-to-face meetings. Match.com, for example, has an initiative called “The Stir” where they sponsor events for users to meet each other.

• Each site takes several precautions to ensure the safety of its users. All of the companies said they screen profiles before posting them and continually check them for any violations of the company’s decency standards. Users are able to report any inappropriate material on profiles. The sites also recommend that you delay sharing your phone number and email address until after a few in-person meetings. You still must be cautious and responsible for your own safety, but there are several mechanisms in place to help protect users.

What are their limitations?

• Different sites focus on different types of relationships. Match.com is geared to provide users with a full range of relationship options from casual encounters to finding potential spouses. eHarmony emphasizes serious relationships, utilizing a 400 question personality inventory to pair users. The Catholic sites focus on serious relationships through a two-fold process of self-selection. First, by targeting Catholics, these sites attract Catholics, and Catholics typically value marriage. Second, each Catholic site further indicates what kind of emphasis it places on marriage. Avemariasingles.com, for example, is for those “practicing Catholics who are serious about marriage, not window shoppers looking for a date.” Catholicmingle.com, on the other hand, is for those seeking a faith community “for friendship, dating or marriage.”

• Be wary of any distinct, special, or “scientific” claims for matching people. What research has been done on these methods indicates, at best, that they are not as effective as in-person assessments and, at worst, that they are flawed in their approach. What these “matching” options are good at is eliminating those who are least compatible. In other words, the sites are better at indicating what two people would NOT have a good relationship rather than what two people will have a good relationship.

• Too many matches can become overwhelming. Imagine looking at a menu in a restaurant that has 1,000 possible meals on it. It is difficult to choose. Typically, what people do in these situations is break it down into easier choices (“Do I want chicken or fish?”) and eliminate huge portions of the menu. The problem is that this process can easily eliminate some of the best options. This approach is often what people end up doing on dating websites. When faced with a large number of matches, people choose some characteristic, like hair color or height, and eliminate those who do not have that characteristic. They do this to make the choosing manageable, but it does not guarantee the best outcomes. In short, more does not necessarily mean better.

• The sites tend to overly emphasize personal preference or fulfillment. Obviously, your own choice and preferences matter a great deal in choosing a spouse. Yet, marriage for Catholics is not just about what you want but how you will love and care for others. Another way to think about this is that dating websites often make the process feel like shopping, like a person is picking out a new coffee machine, golf clubs, or clothes. The result is that trying to figure out who is a good match often stops with “what makes you happy.” It forgets to ask: “Is this person good and loving to others as well as to me?”

• Finally, no one should forget that the goal of these sites is to make money. They usually allow you to register and browse for free and do not require payment (typically around $20 a month for 6 months) until you want to contact someone. This money provides you a service, a useful and often quality service, one that can even help you to find a spouse. Yet, the goal of the company is still, first and foremost, profit. While they want some people to meet and be happy together, they want most people to keep coming back and using the service. This is how they make money. Your interest in a good marriage and their interest in a good profit may align, but they will not always or necessarily do so.

Do they help you to find a spouse?

They can. In fact, in 2011 almost 20% of marriages began online. Just be clear that these dating websites help not by finding the perfect match for you but by expanding the number of people you can meet.

These sites complement meeting people in-person or through family, friends, or church groups. If you approach the sites this way, you should feel comfortable and even hopeful using them.

For Further Reading:

Catholics Are Meeting Their Spouse Online – a PDF from CatholicMatch

Why Does a Catholic Wedding Have to Take Place in a Church?

Emily and Jim are planning their spring wedding. They’ve found the perfect site—an historic mansion with lovely grounds that will be in full bloom. They are pleased that their guests can stay in one place for both the wedding and the reception. But there’s one problem: Emily, who was baptized and raised Catholic, would like to marry in a Catholic ceremony. She wants to know how she can find a Catholic priest or deacon who will officiate at the wedding. Even though Jim was baptized and raised Lutheran, he supports Emily in her desire for a Catholic ceremony.

Many couples like Emily and Jim are surprised, and sometimes disappointed, to find out that the Catholic Church normally requires weddings to take place in a Catholic church. Paulist Father Larry Rice explains the reason:

“The Church expects that a wedding, being a solemn and sacramental event, should occur in a church—in sacred space…We Catholics take this notion of sacred space very seriously. That’s why being inside a church feels different from being somewhere else. An atmosphere of peace, reverence, and respect is important to us so that all will feel welcome, and so that a sense of God’s loving presence permeates the place. We believe that weddings are sacred moments, which should ordinarily happen in the place where the bride or groom worships, with their families and their faith community. A church isn’t just a set or backdrop for a wedding; rather, a wedding is an expression of a faith community’s joys and hopes.”

In order to celebrate their sacramental marriage in a place other than a church or oratory, Emily and Jim need to obtain permission to do so. Emily should discuss with her pastor the process for seeking such a permission within the diocese. Such permission is usually given only for serious reasons. Moreover, without such permission, a Catholic priest or deacon who wants to remain in good standing cannot officiate at such a wedding.

Why Get Married in a Church?

As someone working full-time in Campus Ministry, one of my frequent responsibilities is preparing couples for marriage. One frequent question I hear from couples is, “Can we get married outside in the park,” or “Can we get married at the country club?” Often what they’re looking for is a location more convenient to their reception, or a place more aesthetically pleasing than the Newman Center or their local parish church.

I usually end up explaining to these couples that the Catholic Church expects that a wedding, being a solemn and sacramental event, should occur in a church—in a sacred space. Usually, that’s something that they understand, and it’s not a problem. Occasionally I hear, “Well, isn’t God present equally everywhere?” To this, I generally respond, “Well, yes, God’s just as present at the bus station downtown, but you wouldn’t want to get married there, would you?”

We Catholics take this notion of sacred space very seriously. That’s why being inside a church feels different from being somewhere else. An atmosphere of peace, reverence, and respect is important to us so that all will feel welcome, and so that a sense of God’s loving presence permeates the place. We believe that weddings are sacred moments, which should ordinarily happen in the place where the bride or groom worships, with their families and their faith community. A church isn’t just a set or backdrop for a wedding; rather a wedding is an expression of a faith community’s joys and hopes.

Of course, there are occasionally special circumstances that might require a wedding in a different location. For that to happen in most dioceses, permission must be granted. The Catholic party should discuss with his or her parish priest the process for seeking such permission. In many places permission is difficult to obtain unless the reason is particularly serious. “I just want to be married outside” is generally not going to be reason enough.

The Unity Candle

Chances are if you’ve been to a wedding in the past couple of decades, you’ve seen something called a “Unity Candle” ceremony. At some point in the ceremony, the parents of the couple being married– or maybe just their mothers– light two small side candles, and then the bride and groom take those candles and light a larger candle. They may or may not blow out the side candles, which, one hopes, doesn’t reflect their feelings about their families of origin.

No one seems really clear about the origin of the Unity Candle. Some claim it was popularized by the 1981 wedding of television’s Luke and Laura on General Hospital, although there’s evidence of its use in the mid-1970s. Some sources claim it was developed as a way to sell couples three pounds of wax for $50 dollars.

In many Catholic churches, the Unity Candle is discouraged or prohibited. It isn’t part of our wedding ritual. Liturgy requires inculturation, but it’s not clear that a Unity candle is part of anyone’s culture.

The fact is, we Catholics already have a powerful symbol of love and unity at our nuptial masses, one that connects us to our families, the whole community of faith, and the communion of saints. We have the Eucharist. For Catholics, that’s a symbol of unity you can’t hold a candle to.

Things You Won’t See at a Catholic Wedding

There are few events in life that are as steeped in tradition as a wedding. And the traditions surrounding weddings come to us through our families, our friends, our culture, and our religious traditions. However, every religious tradition handles weddings differently, and some of the things that people expect to see and hear are often not part of the Catholic way of celebrating weddings.

For example, in some traditions, at the conclusion of the procession into the Church, the presiding minister may ask, “Who gives this woman to be married?” And the father of the bride will be expected to respond that he, or he and his wife, do. At Catholic weddings, it’s presumed that the bride—and the groom for that matter—give themselves to each other.

If you’ve ever seen a wedding on a television series, you’re probably familiar with the dramatic possibilities that arise when the minister asks, “If anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.” Well, we Catholics don’t do that. In many places, notices of upcoming weddings are published, allowing anyone with objections to come forward before we get to the altar.

Another touching moment in most TV weddings is the phrase, “With this ring, I thee wed.” For us Catholics, the moment of the marriage is the exchange of consent and the speaking of the vows. The ring is a symbol of the union that has already taken place. We bless wedding rings, and they are exchanged with the phrase, “Receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

Another thing we don’t say at Catholic weddings is “I now pronounce you man and wife.” We believe that the couple becomes husband and wife not because the minister declares them to be such, but because they have given their consent and made their vows to each other. The function of the priest or deacon is to preside and witness these vows, not to make the marriage happen.

Throughout the ceremony, the emphasis is on what the bride and groom do, and not on anyone else. This celebration of love and unity mirrors the love of God for his people. Ideally, it inspires all of us to be more loving, more committed people.

Be a Great Valentine–Give the Gift of Words

Are you looking for a meaningful Valentine’s Day without spending a dime? Share the gifts below.

Gift of Words #1 – Compliment Your Mate Inside and Out
There are two types of compliments: those that address a person’s outer appearance and those that address a person’s inner character. Surprisingly, our research shows 84% of people prefer to receive a character compliment as in, “You are an incredibly kind person,” over a comment like “Your hair looks great.” Start sharing character comments with your honey today.

Gift of Words #2 – Show You Care
We all experience unique events during our busy days so when our spouse shows interest in our day’s happenings it creates an immediate loving bond with him/her. Find something in your spouse’s schedule on Valentine’s Day (and other days too) such as a special meeting, an important errand, or a doctor’s appointment, and call/text/email mid-day to specifically ask how it went.

Gift of Words #3 – Talk Forward
If you want to have a special Valentine’s Day, it’s important to persuade your spouse that he or she is special to you every day, not just on Valentine’s Day. Do this by “talking forward.” Take charge and make a thoughtful plan for the future. On Valentine’s Day, say, “I’d like to make a special plan for us next month. Let’s go to __________. [Fill-in with something your spouse enjoys, such as a museum, the theatre, shopping, a road trip, etc.]? What do you think?”

Gift of Words #4 – Make an Offer
If you want to receive instant love and appreciation from your honey, volunteer to do something for your mate before he or she asks you to do it. For example, offer to pick something up at the store, offer to repair something, prepare dinner or offer to put your kids to bed (if you don’t usually). A surefire way to boost your love life is to make an offer. It says to your mate, I care about you and when you’re happy, I’m happy.

Gift of Words #5 – Be Memorable
Do and say memorable things this Valentine’s Day and year round. Instead of dining out, create a candlelit indoor picnic. Sing karaoke together. Arrange for a massage–together. Post love notes in surprising places. Buy a lasting plant instead of flowers. Phone your spouse to give a heartfelt comment during the day like, “I love you because….”.

You will spark love and romance this Valentine’s Day (and the year through) by showering your sweetheart with the priceless gift of words.

About the author
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator and bestselling author of “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In.” Article adapted from “Fight Less, Love More.”

A Wedding Planning Reality Check

Most engaged couples—at least the brides–love thumbing through any of the popular bridal magazines, reading the numerous helpful articles, and taking note of the various ads, photos, and other information offered, be it helpful wedding tips, reception planning, or honeymoon ideas. These magazines try to be a resource guide for couples who want to have the perfect wedding. This isn’t a negative notion in itself, other than the fact that “perfect” is not reachable, nor even necessarily, desirable.

There is an adage in Catholic Engaged Encounter: “A Wedding is a Day; A Marriage is a Lifetime.” So the key is not to put more emphasis on the wedding plans than on the subsequent marriage. These magazines are not designed to do any more than they do: sell gowns, rings, dinnerware, furniture, luggage, travel packages, honeymoon trips, sex appeal, and “take-your-breath-away-beauty.”

The Wedding: A Celebration of God’s Love

There is, of course, nothing wrong with a well-planned wedding day; nor for that matter, with a reception and wedding celebration of large proportions – that is, if they fit into the proper context. This means that the wedding celebration needs to point to the reality of what is truly happening with this coming together as husband and wife. It is actually a party to celebrate that God loves His people. The husband and wife express this divine love concretely– through words and deeds– as they live out their conjugal love over a lifetime. Their bond of love becomes the image and symbol of the covenant that unites God with His people. This is wonderful! It is wonder-filled. It demands to be celebrated. And the need and desire to have a great wedding celebration is therefore appropriate and fitting.

Sometimes, though, a couple can get so caught up in planning that a reality check is needed. When wedding planning threatens to spin out of control, it’s time to step back and ask a few questions:

  1. Why are we doing whatever we are doing regarding our wedding plans?
  2. What is the purpose of our large, small, costly, intimate, informal, formal, etc. reception?
  3. How are we acting as a visible sign of God’s love for all of us as we participate in the celebration and related events?
  4. Who are we inviting? And why are we asking these people?
  5. Is there anything we can do to help others? Perhaps even assist family reconciliations? How might we be a sign of God’s love to the poor, the afflicted, and the needy?
  6. What does the term “counter-cultural” mean to us in the context of our wedding celebration?
  7. For the ecumenical or interfaith couple (where only one person is Catholic): How can aspects of both our faith traditions be acknowledged and affirmed in our wedding celebration?

The marriage covenant illustrates and illuminates God’s love for us. The couple enters this covenant with their own promise, or vow, to do three things: to be faithful to each other forever, to be exclusively for one another, and to be open to new life. The couple says “yes” – to be their word – while not knowing how they are going to fulfill such a promise. They say “yes” to live out their commitment regardless of whatever circumstances come about in their life. They do so, not solely based on their own good intentions and abilities, but do so in the confidence of God’s grace. It is God’s faithfulness that we can always count on, and it is this faithfulness that the couple is committed to mirroring each other and to the world.

The promise the couple makes – publicly to God and to the community – is a radical departure from any contract, whereby in a contract both parties know up front what will or won’t take place beforehand. This promise – or covenant – is counter-cultural, and it is profoundly freeing and powerful.

Marriage as an Invitation to Personal Growth

Marriage is also a social matter. It has always been an occasion for rejoicing, bringing together families and friends. For Catholics (indeed, for all baptized Christians) it is also a sacrament that draws them into an ongoing process of sacrifice, compromise, raising children, prayer, and dealing with the joys and annoyances of a life shared together. For the wise couple, it is a challenge that, when embraced, opens the door to tremendous opportunities for personal growth and development. The married couple takes this way of living on as their specific spiritual journey–one where maturity and growth occur for each person, as God gets revealed over and over through their love for one another.

In addition to making thoughtful and wise choices concerning the wedding plans, a couple needs to put a major effort into their marriage plans. The wedding can often be exhausting and lots of work. It’s only worthwhile if the couple has also prepared for the marriage. Then the work of the marriage, the work that continues long after the bills for the reception and gown are paid, and long after the honeymoon photos are placed into an album or on a website, can become the exclusive focus.

While bridal magazines are exciting and fun to look at, they won’t say all this. And they only tell a part of the story. The rest is about the excitement and fun in store for those blessed and courageous enough to invest in this lifelong journey of work and effort – this thing called sacramental marriage. So plan – for a great wedding – as well as a great and fulfilling marriage.

About the author 
Don Paglia is the Co-Director of the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Hartford.

Dating? Four Basics to Keep in Mind

Dating—that is, scheduling time to spend with a person of the opposite sex to get to know them–can be a wonderful time in a person’s life. It challenges us to grow as individuals and to learn more about others. It can also lead us to grow deeper in faith. Here are four basic points to keep in mind when dating.

1. Know your intentions

Are you looking at dating as only a means of finding a future spouse?

While it could potentially be the end to the means of dating, finding a future spouse should not be the main intention of dating. That puts too much pressure on each individual date and the person whom you date.

Dating is a time to learn more about yourself through a relationship with others. It is a time to see what qualities you need and like in others. When not limiting yourself to a certain type you will discover new and valuable aspects of each person.

Perhaps you have learned that in relationships you act a certain way that does not really reflect who you are or who you want to be. In this case, one can use dating as a way to become more genuine in relation to the opposite sex. It will show what you need to “give” in the relationship and what you can “take” from the relationship, too!

2. Stick to your boundaries

Communication is an important factor in any relationship but especially a dating one. One must be honest about one’s own intentions. All relationships need boundaries. A boundary for a practicing Catholic is chastity, refraining from sexual activity before marriage. Doing this helps build intimacy within the relationship without having sex.

Being up front about one’s beliefs will weed out dates that are not worth your time from those that are. One must not only say things up front but back them up with actions. Do not send mixed messages; be clear and concise in your actions. Date in open public areas where there is no pressure to be physically intimate. If you are on a date where alcohol is served drink in moderation to avoid temptation.

3. Have fun

Dating is fun if you enter into it with the mentality of enjoying the present moment. When you start to date someone, take the time to get to know them. Rushing into a serious relationship can add too much pressure. Just enjoy the time you have with that person in the present moment; tomorrow will take care of itself. Some fun date ideas include museums, art galleries, bowling, mini golfing, movies, dinner, and rollercoaster parks.

4. Trust in God while dating

Dating is an opportunity from God to learn more about others through entering into a dating relationship with them. Trust that you are in a dating season of your life because God needs you to take the time and be present in dating. Trust that God is leading you always and pray that your dating be fruitful.

“Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” – Proverbs 16:3

For Further Reading: