Tag Archives: Dating & Engaged

The Questions Before Consent

“The Questions before the Consent” are an important part of a Catholic wedding ceremony. True to its name, this moment entails the celebrant (priest or deacon) asking the bride and groom a series of questions immediately before they exchange their consent and are married. As the Order of Celebrating Matrimony explains, these questions involve the couple’s “freedom of choice, fidelity to each other, and the acceptance and upbringing of children” (no. 60). While they are asked the questions together, each person must answer the questions individually. It is a solemn moment, as bride and groom pledge before God and the community their intention to undertake through God’s grace the vocation of lifelong marriage, a permanent union open to the gift of new life.

Celebrant:

[Name] and [Name], have you come here to enter into Marriage
without coercion,
freely and wholeheartedly?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I have.

The celebrant continues:

Are you prepared, as you follow the path of Marriage,
to love and honor each other
for as long as you both shall live?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I am.

The following question may be omitted, if circumstances suggest this, for example, if the couple are advanced in years.

Celebrant:
Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God
and to bring them up
according to the law of Christ and his Church?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I am.

Excerpts from the English translation of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony © 2013, International Commission on English in the Liturgy Corporation (ICEL). Used with permission. All rights reserved.

The Nuptial Blessing

The Nuptial Blessing is a beautiful moment in the Catholic wedding ceremony. It takes place after the bride and groom have exchanged their consent and so have become husband and wife. In this blessing, the celebrant (priest or deacon) prays for the married couple and asks that God give them special graces, including fidelity, the blessing of children, and a long life together. The prayer is filled with Scriptural allusions, going all the way back to the book of Genesis and its description of the way God created the universe and brought together the first man and woman to be “one flesh”.

In the wedding liturgy, the Nuptial Blessing takes place after the couple has exchanged consent and given each other rings. If the wedding takes place within Mass, the blessing comes after the Our Father is said or sung. The Nuptial Blessing is also part of the ceremony when the wedding takes place without Mass and in the marriage of a Catholic and non-Christian (although there is the option in the latter ceremony to replace it with a shorter prayer).

The words of the Nuptial Blessing are worth meditating on, not only for engaged couples preparing for their wedding but also for married couples at any stage. There are three versions of the prayer to choose from in the Order of Celebrating Matrimony; the first is reproduced here.

The Nuptial Blessing

O God, who by your mighty power
created all things out of nothing,
and, when you had set in place
the beginnings of the universe,
formed man and woman in your own image,
making the woman an inseparable helpmate to the man,
that they might be no longer two, but one flesh,
and taught that what you were pleased to make one
must never be divided;

O God, who consecrated the bond of Marriage
by so great a mystery
that in the wedding covenant you foreshadowed
the Sacrament of Christ and his Church;

O God, by whom woman is joined to man
and the companionship they had in the beginning
is endowed with the one blessing
not forfeited by original sin
nor washed away by the flood.

Look now with favor on these your servants,
joined together in Marriage,
who ask to be strengthened by your blessing.
Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit
and pour your love into their hearts,
that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.

May the grace of love and peace
abide in your daughter [name],
and let her always follow the example of those holy women
whose praises are sung in the Scriptures.

May her husband entrust his heart to her,
so that, acknowledging her as his equal
and his joint heir to the life of grace,
he may show her due honor
and cherish her always
with the love that Christ has for his Church.

And now, Lord, we implore you:
may these your servants
hold fast to the faith and keep your commandments;
made one in the flesh,
may they be blameless in all they do;
and with the strength that comes from the Gospel,
may they bear true witness to Christ before all;
(may they be blessed with children,
and prove themselves virtuous parents,
who live to see their children’s children.)

And grant that,
reaching at last together the fullness of years
for which they hope,
they may come to the life of the blessed
in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Note: the words in parentheses may be omitted if it seems that circumstances suggest it, for example, if the bride and bridegroom are advanced in years.

Excerpts from the English translation of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony © 2013, International Commission on English in the Liturgy Corporation (ICEL). Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Convalidation: Bringing Your Marriage Into The Church

Note: The following text is intended to give a basic overview of the convalidation process. Because every couple’s situation is unique and because practices related to the implementation of the process may vary from diocese to diocese, persons interested in pursuing a convalidation and/or a declaration of nullity should speak with their parish priest or a professional at the local Tribunal.

“It is the presence of the Lord, who reveals Himself and the gift of His grace, that will render your marriage full and profoundly true.” – Pope Francis

Is my Marriage Recognized by the Church?
Like other couples in your parish or family, you may be wondering if your marriage is fully recognized by the Catholic Church. Catholic Church law ordinarily requires baptized Roman Catholics to marry before a priest or deacon. Unless they received a “dispensation from canonical form,” Catholics who exchange vows in the presence of ministers from other religious traditions or civil officials are not considered validly married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

Regardless of what happened in the past, the Catholic Church invites you to bring new meaning to your lives by embracing the vocation of marriage and dedicating your family’s mission to sharing God’s love.

Why Marry Catholic?
Catholic Marriage is unique among other marital relationships because it is a sacrament that makes Christ present in our world. The relationship between husband and wife mirrors the relationship of Jesus Christ for his people. In the Catholic tradition, the husband and wife accept a role in God’s plan for humanity. They are ambassadors of God’s love, and they collaborate with God to keep humanity alive.

The vows exchanged by the couple are a sacred pact through which the spouses embrace each other, and, together, embrace Jesus as their partner. Through their union with Christ, they participate in the unbreakable pact between God and humanity: the covenant that was sealed in the death and resurrection of Christ.

Benefits of Catholic Marriage
One of the many benefits of a sacramental marriage is the power of God’s grace, which helps couples keep their commitment and find happiness together. Social scientists are finding that couples who recognize God’s presence in their relationship experience more satisfaction and are more likely to achieve lifelong marriage.

All in all, couples who choose to bring their marriage into the Church receive many gifts – peace of heart, oneness with the Church, the fullness of the sacraments, and God’s special blessing upon their marriage.

What if there is a Prior Marriage?
In the simplest terms, if a Catholic wishes to marry in the Church when there has been a previous marriage for either party, the partner in the earlier union must have died or the Church must have issued a declaration of nullity (frequently called an annulment) of the previous marriage.

The Catholic Church views all true marriages with respect. It presumes that they are valid. Thus, it considers the marriage of two Protestant, Jewish or even non-believing persons, any of whom marry according to their own tradition, to be binding in the eyes of God. Consequently, a tribunal process is required to establish that an essential ingredient in the relationship was missing from the start of the previous marriage.

For Catholics with a prior marriage outside the Church, the declaration of nullity is based on what is called a “lack of canonical form.” For Catholics with a prior “valid” marriage, the tribunal process is termed a “formal case.” Catholics should consult with their pastor if a declaration of nullity is needed.

Three Things that Make Marriage Valid in the Church
Three things need to be in place for a true (valid) marriage: capacity, consent, and canonical form. A valid Catholic marriage comes into existence when a man and woman who are capable, give consent to a true marriage, including all the essential properties of marriage, and exchange this consent in the proper form for Catholic weddings.

Convalidation is not simply a “blessing” of an existing union. It requires that a new, free act of consent be made.

Capacity

  • Psychological capacity (emotional maturity and stability)
  • Physical capacity
  • Freedom from impediments (e.g. a prior marriage, vows in a religious order, etc.)

Consent

  • To a lifelong marriage
  • To an exclusive marriage
  • To a marriage that is open to children

Canonical Form

  • To be married in the presence of a Catholic bishop, or a priest or deacon delegated by either the pastor or bishop, and two witnesses according to the Order of Celebrating Matrimony.

NOTE: Special permission is required for Catholics to marry in a place other than their parish church.

Ten Steps toward Convalidation:

  1. Contact your local parish for an appointment with your pastor or his delegate to discuss the situation and determine what must be done.
  2. Obtain a new copy of the baptismal certificate for the Catholic party (or parties). Make that request to the parish where the person was baptized. If the parish no longer exists or baptismal records are unavailable, contact the Chancery office of that Catholic diocese for assistance.
  3. Begin collecting the necessary paperwork for the Pre-Nuptial Investigation.
  4. Participate in formational sessions with a mentor couple, priest, or deacon in the parish to prepare you for sacramental marriage; take a Natural Family Planning Class (http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/find-an-nfp-class.cfm).
  5. If there is a prior marriage for either party, seek a Church declaration of nullity.
  6. As part of your formational sessions, you may be asked to complete a premarital inventory to identify strengths and areas for growth in the relationship.
  7. If married civilly two years or less, attend a parish or diocesan marriage preparation program (some examples listed here); if previously married, discuss with the priest or his delegate options for specialized preparation.
  8. If married more than two years it is highly recommended that you attend a marriage enrichment weekend or event (some examples listed here).
  9. Determine the date and most suitable type of ceremony. For two Catholics, a nuptial Mass is suggested so that the first meal shared by the couple is the Eucharist, the source and summit of our faith. Plan a joyful get-together that will follow the liturgical service to celebrate the Church’s recognition of your marriage.
  10. Celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation and become actively involved together in your parish community.

Copyright © 2016, Diocese of Trenton. All rights reserved. Altered and used with permission. To order copies of this information in pamphlet form, visit http://www.dioceseoftrenton.org/convalidation.

Order of Celebrating Matrimony, Second Edition, What’s New?

On November 12, 2013, the U.S. Bishops approved two documents with far-reaching effects for the Sacrament of Marriage:

  • the English translation of the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, Second Typical Edition;
  • particular adaptations to the Order of Celebrating Matrimony for the United States.

Following the Second Vatican Council (1962-65), the Church published a revised Order of Celebrating Matrimony (in Latin) in 1969 and the official English translation was published in 1970. In 1991, a revised version of this Order of Matrimony was published (in Latin), but the English translation was delayed for various reasons until now. In summer 2015, Rome gave its required approval to the work voted on by the U.S. Bishops. Available for purchase on August 25, 2016, the new Order can be used as of September 8, 2016 and must be used as of December 30, 2016 and after.

What’s New in the Second Edition?

Several things:

  • With the publication of the revised rite, its name will be changed from the present Rite of Marriage to Order of Celebrating Matrimony;
  • the Praenotanda or Introduction is greatly expanded, giving a deeper exposition of the Church’s theology of Marriage (44 paragraphs now as opposed to only 18 before);
  • the Entrance Rites are expanded and elaborated, with two sample introductory addresses provided for the priest or deacon;
  • it is now clarified that the Penitential Act is omitted (something which is usually done whenever there is a solemn procession at the beginning of Mass), and that the Gloria is always included when marriage is celebrated in the context of Mass;
  • within the Order of Celebrating Matrimony itself, there is an alternate form provided for the “Reception of Consent” that invokes Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and even Adam and Eve;
  • following the consent, the whole assembly is invited to respond:
    • Celebrant: Let us bless the Lord
    • Assembly: Thanks be to God
  • whereas a prayer for the couple could already be inserted into Eucharistic Prayer I, similar prayers are now provided for Eucharistic Prayers II and III;
  • two sample Prayers of the Faithful are provided;
  • the four Nuptial Blessings now include an explicit epiclesis or invocation calling forth the blessing of the Holy Spirit:
    • “Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit and pour your love into their hearts, that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.”

Finally, there are two new rituals provided in the appendices:

  • An Order of Blessing an Engaged Couple;
  • and an Order of Blessing a Married Couple within Mass on the Anniversary of Marriage (this includes sample formulas for a renewal of commitment and a blessing of rings, both for the original rings or for new ones).

What are new U.S. adaptations?

The Holy See approved certain adaptations to the Order of Celebrating Marriage for use in the United States. One of them is already in the current Rite:

  • an alternate, optional, form of the exchange of consent, except the text will be slightly expanded in the new translation.

Two other adaptations are new:

  • the optional blessing and giving of the arras (coins)
  • and the optional blessing and placing of the lazo or veil.

Blessing and Giving of the Arras (Coins)

These adaptations—important for Hispanic and Filipino cultures—have already been approved for use in the United States in Spanish since 2010. Making them available in English translation is intended for occasions when one of the spouses has this cultural background but the other does not speak Spanish, or where both couples have this cultural background but have become more accustomed to English than Spanish.

The word arras literally means “pledge.” Usually, the arras consists of a small cask containing thirteen gilded or plated coins symbolizing prosperity. The formula which both bride and groom say to each other during the exchange of the arras highlights their commitment to sharing together all the goods which they will receive during their married life.

Blessing and Placing of the Lazo or Veil

The lazo is a type of lasso or yoke to symbolize the marriage union. Its most usual form is a double-looped rosary; one loop goes over the groom’s shoulders and the other over the bride’s with the cross hanging between them. The two are now tied together for life, so to speak. To use the biblical expression, they become “one flesh.”

The veil seems to have had its origins as a symbol of both a dying to one’s past self (like a funeral pall) and as a protection from danger (like a cloak or protective covering). While the woman wears the veil, it is placed over the shoulder of the man and oftentimes the lazo helps to hold it in place. It is usually placed just before the Nuptial Blessing, since the Nuptial Blessing, symbolized by the veil, is the “protection” that the Church offers the newly married couple.

About the author
Fr. Dan Merz has been a priest of the Diocese of Jefferson City, Missouri since 1998.

A Marriage Bonded by Love and Faith

Barnes PhotoHe is laid back, she is outgoing. He likes to relax at home, she likes to go out and have fun. He’s pretty quiet, she’s a conversationalist. He has two left feet, she can cut a rug. He is short, she is tall. You would think with all of these differences, they would make quite an odd couple. But they have one thing in common that makes them a match made in heaven. That commonality is an abiding love of God. How do we know? Well, this couple is us.

When we met in April 2005, we had no idea how our lives were about to change. We fell in love quickly and decided to get engaged. Then in July, Marc’s father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. And in August, the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina struck. While we were trying to get to know each other, we were also dealing with some very difficult pressures. We managed by reading the Bible together…every day. We asked God for guidance because we did not know what path we were being led to take. One thing became clear to both of us. God put us together and we just had to figure out the rest.

Our faith is the glue that keeps everything together. We never make a big decision without praying about it and when there are challenges, we deal with them straight on. But it hasn’t always been easy. There have been times when things could have gone the other way, both before we were married and after. When those times came, we discussed the issues, we looked for Bible verses that addressed what we were going through and we prayed. We were always able to figure it out. Now that we know each other well, those more difficult times don’t happen as often, but when they do, we turn to God.

We are very different people with different interests and sometimes even different expectations. We deal with those differences by communicating them. Marc is usually the one who forces the conversations. Kiki always (although sometimes reluctantly) opens up. We don’t yell. We just discuss. And we are honest about what we are feeling. We respect our differences. Sometimes we playfully tease each other about them. We never discuss a winner or loser in a disagreement and when it’s over, it’s over. We find the compromise and move forward.

We consider each other God’s gift to us. If you are considering marriage, consider if you are willing to compromise for your future spouse. Sometimes that means conceding. Are you willing to do that? Be completely honest, even when it’s hard. Is your fiancé/e God’s gift to you? And when you are married and difficulties occur, first turn to God. Then put in the hard work of communication, counseling and compromise. This, along with the strength of your faith and your love for each other will get you through. We are a living testament.

About the authors
Marc is the Vice President for Institutional Advancement at Dillard University. He enjoys running and weight lifting during his spare time. Kiki Baker Barnes, Ph. D. is the Athletic Director at Dillard University. In her leisure, she enjoys learning how to play the electric bass guitar. Marc and Kiki Barnes have a daughter and son. They will celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary in November 2015.

7 Signs of a Functional Relationship

During my year studying Interpersonal Communications, I was introduced to the work of one of the top researchers in marriage and relationship health, Dr. John M. Gottman. Throughout my post college years, I have kept up with his research. He is most famous for developing a formula that accurately predicts divorce after observing a couple interact with one another for only five minutes!

Here I will describe Dr. John Gottman’s findings through his research on successful, happy couples, as written in his book, The Science of Trust.

1. Matches in Conflict Style

Most people fall into one of three conflict styles: validators, avoiders, and volatiles. If the ratio of positivity to negativity in conflicts was 5:1, the relationships were functional. However, mismatches in conflict style will increase risk of divorce. The mismatches usually mean one person wants the other to change, but that person is avoiding change. The researchers did not find any volatiles and avoiders matched. They speculate it’s because they don’t get past the courtship phase!

2. Dialogue With Perpetual Issues

Gottman discovered that only 31% of couples’ disagreements were resolvable! This means the majority of conflicts were about perpetual problems, which was attributed to personality differences (even among similar temperaments). While active listening seems like a good idea in theory, it almost never is practiced or works in real life settings, because if there is any negativity at all, the listener finds that hard to ignore and will usually react to it.

One of the biggest indicators for a successful relationship is having a “soft” start-up. This usually puts the pressure on women, since we are the ones who bring up issues in the relationship 80% of the time. The positive responses in these conflicts were from couples in relationships who used the gentler start-up. So remember to keep your sense of humor, and be sensitive to your beloved! Dialogue is necessary to avoid “gridlock” in conflicts, and remember, God created us uniquely, so rejoice in that!

3. Present Issues as Situational Joint Problems

Instead of blaming your spouse for your feelings of irritability and disappointment in the relationship, express how you feel, but then identify your needs. Be gentle in this conversation. Focus on what he or she is doing right, and acknowledge that first. Remember, you’re not perfect either, so don’t expect gratitude for your complaints.

4. Successful Repair Attempts

No one is perfect. After years of spending time with someone, you’re going to get on their nerves from time to time, and vice versa. This is actually a good thing! It helps us identify our areas of weakness beyond the shadow of a doubt, and remain humble through seeking correction.

Your goal in a relationship is not to avoid these conflict situations, or punish yourself when they happen, but rather process the damage done and make repair. This point of repair is so crucial. Saying sorry alone is never enough. Work with your spouse in identifying those areas where you strayed, apologize for those specifics, and ask what you can do to make it up to them.

I teach my daughters that for every offense they commit to one another, they must actively seek three to five good things to do in reparation for them. Repairs also help maintain the positive balance in the relationship.

5. Remaining Physiologically Calm During Conflict

Once adrenaline is flooding our bodies, we are rendered incapable of empathetic conversation. Learn techniques and skills to self-soothe. When you sense your temper rising, either take a break, or interject with some humor. Reach out to hold each other’s hands. Stop the negativity in its tracks. These skills will not only help you in your marriage, but they will help you as a parent when you teach your children positive methods of self-soothing.

6. Accept Influence From Your Spouse

Resist the pattern of turning down every request your husband and wife makes. Accepting influence means looking at your beloved’s point of view, and allowing their way, as long as it’s not immoral. This means stretching your comfort zone. So if your significant other asks for you to wake up early on a Saturday morning to pray in front of abortion clinic, for example, try it, instead of making excuses or backing down.

7. Building Friendship, Intimacy, and Positivity Affects Systems

This is where couples who practice Natural Family Planning have an advantage. There is already that regular built-in daily evaluation of how you’re going to spend your time together, and how you will show your love for one another. The issue isn’t whether you do love each other, but rather which way are you going to express it today? This just means keeping up the courtship all throughout marriage. Learn to love each other well. Keep a greater ratio of positivity to negativity. Start those habits now, and you’ll have a seamless transition into marriage.

My husband, Alex and I can attribute much of our success in marriage to prayer, regularly receiving the sacraments, and following these points in our relationship. After reading these points, maybe you’ll find an area that needs improvement in your own relationship. If you recognize these habits in your own relationship, congrats! Keep up the good work; you’re on the road to happily ever after.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

Bachelor Parties: Cheating on Your Future Spouse?

Recently, my wife and some of her girlfriends had a ladies movie night. As the evening drew to a close and I emerged from the back room, I walked into an unexpected conversation about Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday). The discussion focused on the odd contradiction of gluttonizing oneself the day before Lent and completely gorging oneself the day before fasting.

For some reason, bachelor parties immediately came to mind and it seemed there was a similar parallel. For many guys (and this can go for ladies too), they desire to have a one last night of other women before being chained down to one woman for the rest of their lives. Some men wish to have a stripper come to the party. Others prefer multiple women by going to a strip club complete with lap dances.

In this shallow view, marriage is seen as a sort of slavery, something that will suck the life out of you, taking away your freedom and any chance of fun. Being totally committed to one woman seems daunting, and it’s a reluctant duty rather than a joyful commitment. The mindset, therefore, is that a guy must live it up one last time. This kind of gloomy anticipation of marriage always makes me wonder why they want to get married in the first place. It reminds me of the popular t-shirt which has a bride and a groom standing next to each other. The bride has a huge smile on her face while the groom wears a huge frown. At the bottom of the shirt it says “Game Over.” Now, if this is what people think marriage is, why get married?

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having a bachelor party or a night of fun with friends. For my bachelor party, we played Laser Tag, came back and played video games and watched movies while eating man food. It was fun, pure, and there was no cheating on my fiancée with other women the night before our wedding.

Sadly, this is not always the case. Some desire one last hoorah with someone other than the person they are engaged to. Isn’t this very problematic though? Getting stone drunk or having strippers before marriage is, at best, an oxymoron. For men, it’s an offense against their bride (or vice versa), her beauty, and her dignity. Your wife (or husband) is our number #1 before and after marriage. How can a man claim to love his fiancée and be committed to her while simultaneously going off to enjoy other women for a night?

We don’t promise ourselves to our future spouse on the day of our marriage, but many months before when we propose to them. Faithfulness and commitment don’t start on the wedding day but before—long before. The wedding is just the next step of the journey. So, it is essential to train ourselves in faithfulness to our spouse and to form good habits long before that big day even arrives.

If someone believes they are losing their life and freedom by getting married, then can they really know what marriage is? Perhaps they are not ready or mature enough to enter into this serious sacrament of holy matrimony. Or, perhaps they need to read and learn what marriage is about and then prepare themselves more for that sacrament. It’s important to understand the sacrifice that’s needed for marriage, but also to understand how that sacrifice frees you and fulfills you when you choose it freely. You are not having your freedom taken away in marriage per say, but rather, you are surrendering certain things for the sake of your beloved. The sacrifices are done out of love, and this kind of love yields an amazing power, beauty, and contentment.

Marriage is only a drag when we’re dominated by self-centeredness. As a married man, I am more than happy to commit to my wife, my best friend, my soulmate, and to sacrifice certain things for my bride. While marriage takes work, no doubt, there is no real happiness or fulfillment without it. Love and marriage are about giving, not receiving. But, if both lovers give all they have to each other, then both simultaneously receive. Marriage is a reciprocal gift of self, a beautiful life-long gift of love which makes you holy!

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

How Cell Phones Can Hurt Your Relationship

People tell me that they are not good at talking on the phone or face to face and so resort to texting. My question is, “What would you have done before cell phones?” Well, they would have developed their communicate skills and overcome their inability.

But that is not the case today. Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to become stunted, to not better ourselves, to hide behind a little screen, and to settle for virtual relationships rather than real ones. Many people are losing who they are in the world of social media. This video sums up the state of social media today.

Look Up

Texting does not help you to really know a person, but rather, only ‘about’ a person. You can know everything about a person but not really know them. Sometimes, they are very different people in person than behind a screen.

Remember the days when we used to actually call people on the phone to talk? Now we just send a quick text or 1000. People 14-24 years of age send an average of more than 3,500 texts a month (over 120 a day). Young adults, ages 25-34 average more than 2000 a month! Today, you can ask someone out, break up, break up again, argue for three hours, all via text messages. But, is this a good thing?

We used to have a Walkman, a video camera, a regular camera, a huge flashlight and a computer, but now, they’re all in one small cell phone. That’s great! With that being said, cell phones can and are stunting many people’s social skills, conversational skills, and especially their dating lives. We all have been guilty of relying on cell phones as a security blanket or a friend, but they shouldn’t hold us back from developing real relationships.

If you don’t know someone at a Bible study, a meeting, or a party, it’s easy to curl up in a corner and just scroll through Facebook for two hours without going out of your way to meet someone. Instead of breaking into a conversation and making friends, too many choose to stay on the outside and self-medicate on their phones.

There are countless great things cell phones can be used for in daily life. However, when they intrude into relationships or dating in a way that is hurtful, there is a problem. I’m sure there are many more ideas others can add below, but here are a few suggestions I came up with to help foster relationships rather than stunt them:

1. Have the courage to look someone in the eyes when you ask them out—or break up with them. If asking them out in person isn’t possible, at least do it over a phone call or Skype where you can have a real conversation. Don’t break up impersonally with someone via text, or worse, by avoiding them and hoping the problem goes away.

2. Never argue or have a deep intense conversation by text. If you find that starting to happen, just call the person and have a real conversation about the problem. Some claim it’s quicker just to text, but that’s not true; it’s usually a cop out. People sit there impersonally arguing with their significant other in groups, at parties, and even church gatherings when one phone call later on would do. They miss out on meeting people and making real friendships. In addition, there are no emotions over a screen. It’s too easy to interpret things differently than the person meant it. The point is, if you want to discuss something deep, or if you have an argument happening, do it in person or over the phone. That’s what a real relationship looks like, not a virtual one.

3. Make a decision not to check your phone on a date or while out to eat. Unless it’s an emergency, keep that time between you and your date special. Show the other person that they are more important than an incoming text, phone call, or Facebook notification.

4. Resist the urge to check your phone. If your date goes to the bathroom, for example, and you have a few minutes by yourself, resist the urge to check Facebook, email, or anything else. Consider praying instead. Think of things to talk about when he or she comes back. Contemplate the other person and how things are going. Think of ways to please him or her. Or, just be content to enjoy a few minutes of silence.

Let’s not be slaves to our phones. Let’s live more in the real world than the virtual one we create, and we will have better, more lasting relationships.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

Making Multicultural Relationships Work: Our Experience as a Chilean-American Couple

On one particular day in October 2011 (I am not sure of the precise date), I was making my way to class at the Pontifical Catholic University in Santiago, Chile, where I was studying abroad for a semester. The class was held in room N2 in one of the university’s central buildings, a ‘California style’ classroom complex with all the doors facing out to the open air. I took my seat in the second row where I sat next to the other American students, two boys and two girls from the University of Notre Dame. At the beginning of each lecture, the teacher would silence the pre-class chit chat and take attendance, but on that particular day he was occupied with another task in the first couple minutes of class. So the professor delegated the attendance to an agronomy major, Juan, with whom he had been talking before class about his farm in southern Chile. Juan had black hair, tanned skin, and stood about 5’7” tall, and as he sat at the teacher’s desk calling off the list of names, I remember thinking that he had the most wonderful deep baritone voice. Today I hold this memory dear to my heart as the first time I remember seeing and hearing the man I am going to marry.

I have always liked the phrase, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.” In Chile they have a similar phrase, “Uno propone, Dios dispone” which means something like “Man suggests, God decides.” At that point in my life, I had no idea how true those words would become. I certainly never planned on marrying someone from another country. And yet several weeks later, Juan and I went on a date, salsa dancing, after which he walked me back to my apartment as we talked and talked. We started studying for class together and going on long walks, and our conversation would turn from to what we were interested in and our thoughts on life and faith. We began to realize that this might be for real. Even though we had no idea what the future might hold, with a little faith and a lot of discernment we decided that we would continue discerning a life together despite the long distance and obvious challenges that our relationship presented. And so, after the 11:00 Sunday mass on my last day of the semester abroad, we said goodbye with no fixed plans to see each other again but a certainty God was not yet done with us.

My plans to study more than one semester at the Pontifical and eventually do my Master’s in Linguistics at the University of Chile (which is what I’m doing now) made our relationship possible, albeit with lots of time as a long, long, long distance couple. Juan visited my home in Wisconsin and met my family a year ago. This past April, 2 years and 5 months after we met, he asked me to marry him. Needless to say, I said yes.

The story of how God calls two people to marriage is always beautiful and is unique for every couple. Our story has certainly been unique. At times I have wondered why God would call us to marriage if we are from such different places. Then again, why wouldn’t he? If there is one thing I have learned in my life over the past five years, it is that God has a habit of surprising his followers with plans far more wonderful and challenging than they would ever have made for themselves.

As I reflect on our journey, I would like to talk a little bit about one aspect of our relationship that is not so unique, which is that fact that Juan and I technically speaking are what one might call a multiracial/multicultural couple. I’m not a fan of the label, but the situation it describes is becoming more and more common given the diversity of the United States. Cultural differences, like any other differences we bring to a relationship, can present their own blessings and challenges. There is often a greater need for communication about topics which are taken for granted when you share the same cultural background. It is important to learn about the culture of your significant other, and to make sure you talk about things like: How are gender roles different in your respective cultures? How are children raised? What is the role of extended family? What are politics like? Which values are most important in your respective cultures? And most importantly, how does your significant other feel about these aspects of their culture? After all, we do not adhere to everything our culture dictates. As practicing Catholics, Juan and I find that our values and worldview are often profoundly countercultural in the both the United States and Chile.

Communication, as in any relationship, is very important. Hopefully an engaged couple shares the same values of faith and family. When little issues do arise, which can often stem from cultural differences, be willing to try and understand where your significant other is coming from and to know the difference between non-negotiable values and cultural preferences.

And these little issues will arise. For example, we still haven’t decided what to do about my last name when we marry. According to my cultural traditions, I would take Juan’s last name. But according to Hispanic tradition, I would keep my last name and our children would have two last names, first Juan’s paternal last name and then mine. There are also other issues that we will need to discuss when we have children. In Chile, for example, babies are often not baptized until they are over one year old. I prefer Baptism at a few months, as is typical in the U.S. Besides timeline difference like that, there are also often differences across in the types of educational systems. For example, when I first brought up the idea of potentially homeschooling, this was a completely foreign concept for Juan, as homeschooling is almost non-existent in Chile. And of course there is a language issue. I am the only Spanish-speaker in my family and Juan is the only English-speaker in his, so it will be a priority for us to make sure our children speak both Spanish and English fluently. How we go about doing that will surely be a topic of discussion down the road.

When one person in a relationship is not just from another culture but is also an immigrant, or will be, this can add a new level of stress to the relationship. Juan and I are currently in the process of making decisions about where we are going to live and how and where we are going to pursue our careers while prioritizing our family. Sometimes I worry about Juan facing discrimination in the United States or my children not getting as good an education in Chile. Decisions like these are stressful and incredibly complex, as they will have a tremendous impact on our future. Juan and I try to approach everything with as much openness and honesty as possible, as well as with a lot of prayer and discernment. While these decisions are very stressful, Juan and I have found that they also increase our intimacy as a couple, as they require a lot of in-depth and frank conversations about what we want out of life and how we believe we are called to live out our vocation.

Despite the challenges, multicultural relationships can also be incredibly enriching, so I would leave you with this little piece of advice: Celebrate the best of both cultures. Learn to cook the food, speak the language, and have fun celebrating the holidays and traditions of each. Also, being exposed to how different cultures express their faith can enrich your own. For example, my exposure to Chilean Catholicism has certainly deepened my relationship with Mary.

Finally and most importantly, while I’m very proud to be an American, and Juan Chilean, at the end of the day our true heritage is in Christ, and our citizenship is in heaven.

About the author
Megan grew up in West Central Wisconsin, the second-oldest in a family of four girls. She studied Theology and Spanish at the University of St. Thomas and is currently working toward a Master of Linguistics degree at the University of Chile. She met her fiancé Juan while studying abroad. Juan, also the second-oldest in a family of four kids, grew up on a farm in Tinguiririca, Chile and is currently finishing his degree in Agronomic Science at the Pontifical University of Chile. The couple will be getting married next July.