Tag Archives: Dating

Marriage Readiness

Having a successful marriage means more than FINDING the right person. It means BEING the right person. Sometimes, the FINDING part is easier. You can go to places where singles congregate. You can join clubs, pursue hobbies, or become active in religious or civic organizations. With any luck, you’ll meet the one you consider Mr. or Ms. Right.

BEING the right person can be tougher. Are you easy to live with, generous, flexible, and willing to put your beloved’s needs before your own? Above all, are both of you mature?

Maturity means knowing who you are:

  • Your talents
  • Your weaknesses
  • Your interests
  • The things you hate to do
  • The values that you will not compromise
  • The preferences that you are willing to bend on
  • What you want out of life and marriage

Out of this self- knowledge comes the possibility of giving oneself freely to your beloved.

For Further Reading:

Why Dating Is Important For Marriage

Date nights improve marriages, according to common sense and a comprehensive, quantitative study conducted by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. The study showed improvements for married couples who go on frequent dates across categories such as happiness, commitment, communication, parenthood stability, and community integration. The evidence also showed that married couples who devote time together at least once a week not only have lower divorce rates, but also increase the perceived quality of their marriage. That is enough evidence to start dating your spouse more!

In an article about the study, W. Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew highlight five reasons why date nights have strong correlations to healthy marriages: date nights provide opportunities for communication, novelty, eros, strengthening commitment, and de-stressing.

Communication: The importance of good communication is obvious. We have all experienced the consequences of poor communication with our spouse. Often times, it leads to unnecessary arguments or awkward tension. Poor communication will almost always lead to mismanaged expectations, which in turn lead to disappointment. These negative feelings will slowly pull you apart. Dating throughout marriage will combat these kinds of miscues.

Novelty: Date nights help create new experiences in relationships that have fallen into the mundane ruts that we naturally gravitate to as creatures of habit. If you find yourself stuck in the same routine every day, a date night can be something you will look forward to all week. If you plan a creative date, you will also create fun memories together that you can cherish later on. Either way, date nights will make your future, and your past, better.

Eros: The “spark” and novelty of date nights contribute to the eros – romantic love – aspect of relationships and can make you feel like you’ve just started dating each other all over again. Who doesn’t want to feel those butterflies you felt when you first started dating? Planning consistent dates with your husband or wife will help you fall in love with each other all over again week after week.

Commitment: By opening up to each other on dates, spouses build strong bonds that solidify their commitment to each other. This is important for the inevitable hard times that hit us all. When either of you are at your low point, will you have each other to pull you back up? How strong is your emotional bond with each other? If it needs some improvement, then odds are you aren’t dating each other enough.

De-stressing: Lastly, who doesn’t need stress relief every once in a while? Date nights are fun! Your spouse isn’t just there for you for the tough times, but for enjoyable times too. Relax together. Enjoy each other. Make memories together during well thought-out date nights. You will never regret the time you put in planning a creative date instead of watching the next episode of a show you watch too much.

Sadly, the business of life often gets in the way of planning intentional dates with your spouse. Date night ends up being dinner and a movie every time. These dates aren’t bad, but they can become stale if they are the only form of date night you have together. The repetitive structure does not always foster opportunities to open up to one another during the date.

My wife Michelle and I created Date to Door as a way to help strengthen marriages by planning creative dates and sending spouses all of the ingredients they need for the date in one box. For example, one month’s box included a red candle, empty pill bottles, canvases, paint, brushes, blank coupons, and eight tube socks. Date instructions were sent to tie all of those things together for a creative date night.

Our goal is to help marriages stay strong and grow together.

If you’d like to read more about the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, you can check it out here. If you’d like more information on Date to Door, you can check us out here.

About the author

Zingraf Photo

Gerald Zingraf met his wife Michelle at Virginia Tech within a Christian organization called Cru. They got married a couple of years after college and moved to the Washington, D.C. metro area to start their new lives together. The couple enjoys traveling to strange places, trying new foods, and escaping to the great outdoors. They’re always looking forward to their next big date!

Date to Door was created to make relationships and marriages better. The dates are created specifically to engage you with your spouse while creating memories that you could enjoy looking back on.

7 Signs of a Functional Relationship

During my year studying Interpersonal Communications, I was introduced to the work of one of the top researchers in marriage and relationship health, Dr. John M. Gottman. Throughout my post college years, I have kept up with his research. He is most famous for developing a formula that accurately predicts divorce after observing a couple interact with one another for only five minutes!

Here I will describe Dr. John Gottman’s findings through his research on successful, happy couples, as written in his book, The Science of Trust.

1. Matches in Conflict Style

Most people fall into one of three conflict styles: validators, avoiders, and volatiles. If the ratio of positivity to negativity in conflicts was 5:1, the relationships were functional. However, mismatches in conflict style will increase risk of divorce. The mismatches usually mean one person wants the other to change, but that person is avoiding change. The researchers did not find any volatiles and avoiders matched. They speculate it’s because they don’t get past the courtship phase!

2. Dialogue With Perpetual Issues

Gottman discovered that only 31% of couples’ disagreements were resolvable! This means the majority of conflicts were about perpetual problems, which was attributed to personality differences (even among similar temperaments). While active listening seems like a good idea in theory, it almost never is practiced or works in real life settings, because if there is any negativity at all, the listener finds that hard to ignore and will usually react to it.

One of the biggest indicators for a successful relationship is having a “soft” start-up. This usually puts the pressure on women, since we are the ones who bring up issues in the relationship 80% of the time. The positive responses in these conflicts were from couples in relationships who used the gentler start-up. So remember to keep your sense of humor, and be sensitive to your beloved! Dialogue is necessary to avoid “gridlock” in conflicts, and remember, God created us uniquely, so rejoice in that!

3. Present Issues as Situational Joint Problems

Instead of blaming your spouse for your feelings of irritability and disappointment in the relationship, express how you feel, but then identify your needs. Be gentle in this conversation. Focus on what he or she is doing right, and acknowledge that first. Remember, you’re not perfect either, so don’t expect gratitude for your complaints.

4. Successful Repair Attempts

No one is perfect. After years of spending time with someone, you’re going to get on their nerves from time to time, and vice versa. This is actually a good thing! It helps us identify our areas of weakness beyond the shadow of a doubt, and remain humble through seeking correction.

Your goal in a relationship is not to avoid these conflict situations, or punish yourself when they happen, but rather process the damage done and make repair. This point of repair is so crucial. Saying sorry alone is never enough. Work with your spouse in identifying those areas where you strayed, apologize for those specifics, and ask what you can do to make it up to them.

I teach my daughters that for every offense they commit to one another, they must actively seek three to five good things to do in reparation for them. Repairs also help maintain the positive balance in the relationship.

5. Remaining Physiologically Calm During Conflict

Once adrenaline is flooding our bodies, we are rendered incapable of empathetic conversation. Learn techniques and skills to self-soothe. When you sense your temper rising, either take a break, or interject with some humor. Reach out to hold each other’s hands. Stop the negativity in its tracks. These skills will not only help you in your marriage, but they will help you as a parent when you teach your children positive methods of self-soothing.

6. Accept Influence From Your Spouse

Resist the pattern of turning down every request your husband and wife makes. Accepting influence means looking at your beloved’s point of view, and allowing their way, as long as it’s not immoral. This means stretching your comfort zone. So if your significant other asks for you to wake up early on a Saturday morning to pray in front of abortion clinic, for example, try it, instead of making excuses or backing down.

7. Building Friendship, Intimacy, and Positivity Affects Systems

This is where couples who practice Natural Family Planning have an advantage. There is already that regular built-in daily evaluation of how you’re going to spend your time together, and how you will show your love for one another. The issue isn’t whether you do love each other, but rather which way are you going to express it today? This just means keeping up the courtship all throughout marriage. Learn to love each other well. Keep a greater ratio of positivity to negativity. Start those habits now, and you’ll have a seamless transition into marriage.

My husband, Alex and I can attribute much of our success in marriage to prayer, regularly receiving the sacraments, and following these points in our relationship. After reading these points, maybe you’ll find an area that needs improvement in your own relationship. If you recognize these habits in your own relationship, congrats! Keep up the good work; you’re on the road to happily ever after.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

How Cell Phones Can Hurt Your Relationship

People tell me that they are not good at talking on the phone or face to face and so resort to texting. My question is, “What would you have done before cell phones?” Well, they would have developed their communicate skills and overcome their inability.

But that is not the case today. Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to become stunted, to not better ourselves, to hide behind a little screen, and to settle for virtual relationships rather than real ones. Many people are losing who they are in the world of social media. This video sums up the state of social media today.

Look Up

Texting does not help you to really know a person, but rather, only ‘about’ a person. You can know everything about a person but not really know them. Sometimes, they are very different people in person than behind a screen.

Remember the days when we used to actually call people on the phone to talk? Now we just send a quick text or 1000. People 14-24 years of age send an average of more than 3,500 texts a month (over 120 a day). Young adults, ages 25-34 average more than 2000 a month! Today, you can ask someone out, break up, break up again, argue for three hours, all via text messages. But, is this a good thing?

We used to have a Walkman, a video camera, a regular camera, a huge flashlight and a computer, but now, they’re all in one small cell phone. That’s great! With that being said, cell phones can and are stunting many people’s social skills, conversational skills, and especially their dating lives. We all have been guilty of relying on cell phones as a security blanket or a friend, but they shouldn’t hold us back from developing real relationships.

If you don’t know someone at a Bible study, a meeting, or a party, it’s easy to curl up in a corner and just scroll through Facebook for two hours without going out of your way to meet someone. Instead of breaking into a conversation and making friends, too many choose to stay on the outside and self-medicate on their phones.

There are countless great things cell phones can be used for in daily life. However, when they intrude into relationships or dating in a way that is hurtful, there is a problem. I’m sure there are many more ideas others can add below, but here are a few suggestions I came up with to help foster relationships rather than stunt them:

1. Have the courage to look someone in the eyes when you ask them out—or break up with them. If asking them out in person isn’t possible, at least do it over a phone call or Skype where you can have a real conversation. Don’t break up impersonally with someone via text, or worse, by avoiding them and hoping the problem goes away.

2. Never argue or have a deep intense conversation by text. If you find that starting to happen, just call the person and have a real conversation about the problem. Some claim it’s quicker just to text, but that’s not true; it’s usually a cop out. People sit there impersonally arguing with their significant other in groups, at parties, and even church gatherings when one phone call later on would do. They miss out on meeting people and making real friendships. In addition, there are no emotions over a screen. It’s too easy to interpret things differently than the person meant it. The point is, if you want to discuss something deep, or if you have an argument happening, do it in person or over the phone. That’s what a real relationship looks like, not a virtual one.

3. Make a decision not to check your phone on a date or while out to eat. Unless it’s an emergency, keep that time between you and your date special. Show the other person that they are more important than an incoming text, phone call, or Facebook notification.

4. Resist the urge to check your phone. If your date goes to the bathroom, for example, and you have a few minutes by yourself, resist the urge to check Facebook, email, or anything else. Consider praying instead. Think of things to talk about when he or she comes back. Contemplate the other person and how things are going. Think of ways to please him or her. Or, just be content to enjoy a few minutes of silence.

Let’s not be slaves to our phones. Let’s live more in the real world than the virtual one we create, and we will have better, more lasting relationships.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

Making Multicultural Relationships Work: Our Experience as a Chilean-American Couple

On one particular day in October 2011 (I am not sure of the precise date), I was making my way to class at the Pontifical Catholic University in Santiago, Chile, where I was studying abroad for a semester. The class was held in room N2 in one of the university’s central buildings, a ‘California style’ classroom complex with all the doors facing out to the open air. I took my seat in the second row where I sat next to the other American students, two boys and two girls from the University of Notre Dame. At the beginning of each lecture, the teacher would silence the pre-class chit chat and take attendance, but on that particular day he was occupied with another task in the first couple minutes of class. So the professor delegated the attendance to an agronomy major, Juan, with whom he had been talking before class about his farm in southern Chile. Juan had black hair, tanned skin, and stood about 5’7” tall, and as he sat at the teacher’s desk calling off the list of names, I remember thinking that he had the most wonderful deep baritone voice. Today I hold this memory dear to my heart as the first time I remember seeing and hearing the man I am going to marry.

I have always liked the phrase, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.” In Chile they have a similar phrase, “Uno propone, Dios dispone” which means something like “Man suggests, God decides.” At that point in my life, I had no idea how true those words would become. I certainly never planned on marrying someone from another country. And yet several weeks later, Juan and I went on a date, salsa dancing, after which he walked me back to my apartment as we talked and talked. We started studying for class together and going on long walks, and our conversation would turn from to what we were interested in and our thoughts on life and faith. We began to realize that this might be for real. Even though we had no idea what the future might hold, with a little faith and a lot of discernment we decided that we would continue discerning a life together despite the long distance and obvious challenges that our relationship presented. And so, after the 11:00 Sunday mass on my last day of the semester abroad, we said goodbye with no fixed plans to see each other again but a certainty God was not yet done with us.

My plans to study more than one semester at the Pontifical and eventually do my Master’s in Linguistics at the University of Chile (which is what I’m doing now) made our relationship possible, albeit with lots of time as a long, long, long distance couple. Juan visited my home in Wisconsin and met my family a year ago. This past April, 2 years and 5 months after we met, he asked me to marry him. Needless to say, I said yes.

The story of how God calls two people to marriage is always beautiful and is unique for every couple. Our story has certainly been unique. At times I have wondered why God would call us to marriage if we are from such different places. Then again, why wouldn’t he? If there is one thing I have learned in my life over the past five years, it is that God has a habit of surprising his followers with plans far more wonderful and challenging than they would ever have made for themselves.

As I reflect on our journey, I would like to talk a little bit about one aspect of our relationship that is not so unique, which is that fact that Juan and I technically speaking are what one might call a multiracial/multicultural couple. I’m not a fan of the label, but the situation it describes is becoming more and more common given the diversity of the United States. Cultural differences, like any other differences we bring to a relationship, can present their own blessings and challenges. There is often a greater need for communication about topics which are taken for granted when you share the same cultural background. It is important to learn about the culture of your significant other, and to make sure you talk about things like: How are gender roles different in your respective cultures? How are children raised? What is the role of extended family? What are politics like? Which values are most important in your respective cultures? And most importantly, how does your significant other feel about these aspects of their culture? After all, we do not adhere to everything our culture dictates. As practicing Catholics, Juan and I find that our values and worldview are often profoundly countercultural in the both the United States and Chile.

Communication, as in any relationship, is very important. Hopefully an engaged couple shares the same values of faith and family. When little issues do arise, which can often stem from cultural differences, be willing to try and understand where your significant other is coming from and to know the difference between non-negotiable values and cultural preferences.

And these little issues will arise. For example, we still haven’t decided what to do about my last name when we marry. According to my cultural traditions, I would take Juan’s last name. But according to Hispanic tradition, I would keep my last name and our children would have two last names, first Juan’s paternal last name and then mine. There are also other issues that we will need to discuss when we have children. In Chile, for example, babies are often not baptized until they are over one year old. I prefer Baptism at a few months, as is typical in the U.S. Besides timeline difference like that, there are also often differences across in the types of educational systems. For example, when I first brought up the idea of potentially homeschooling, this was a completely foreign concept for Juan, as homeschooling is almost non-existent in Chile. And of course there is a language issue. I am the only Spanish-speaker in my family and Juan is the only English-speaker in his, so it will be a priority for us to make sure our children speak both Spanish and English fluently. How we go about doing that will surely be a topic of discussion down the road.

When one person in a relationship is not just from another culture but is also an immigrant, or will be, this can add a new level of stress to the relationship. Juan and I are currently in the process of making decisions about where we are going to live and how and where we are going to pursue our careers while prioritizing our family. Sometimes I worry about Juan facing discrimination in the United States or my children not getting as good an education in Chile. Decisions like these are stressful and incredibly complex, as they will have a tremendous impact on our future. Juan and I try to approach everything with as much openness and honesty as possible, as well as with a lot of prayer and discernment. While these decisions are very stressful, Juan and I have found that they also increase our intimacy as a couple, as they require a lot of in-depth and frank conversations about what we want out of life and how we believe we are called to live out our vocation.

Despite the challenges, multicultural relationships can also be incredibly enriching, so I would leave you with this little piece of advice: Celebrate the best of both cultures. Learn to cook the food, speak the language, and have fun celebrating the holidays and traditions of each. Also, being exposed to how different cultures express their faith can enrich your own. For example, my exposure to Chilean Catholicism has certainly deepened my relationship with Mary.

Finally and most importantly, while I’m very proud to be an American, and Juan Chilean, at the end of the day our true heritage is in Christ, and our citizenship is in heaven.

About the author
Megan grew up in West Central Wisconsin, the second-oldest in a family of four girls. She studied Theology and Spanish at the University of St. Thomas and is currently working toward a Master of Linguistics degree at the University of Chile. She met her fiancé Juan while studying abroad. Juan, also the second-oldest in a family of four kids, grew up on a farm in Tinguiririca, Chile and is currently finishing his degree in Agronomic Science at the Pontifical University of Chile. The couple will be getting married next July.

When a Man Likes a Woman: 5 Do’s

In my then-boyfriend’s apartment, I smiled while I quietly asked a question:

“What crossed your mind the first time you saw me?”

He thoughtfully paused, and aligned his eyes with mine, before he answered without blinking (and, apparently, without thinking):

“I want a piece of her.”

You want a piece of me? The line led to fightin’ words, words that build walls between a woman and a man, which—in that case—was for the best. But the line also led to a realization: When a man likes a woman, he doesn’t do what that guy did (including but not limited to “objectify her”). So what should a guy do when he likes a girl? I’ll tell you:

1. Ask questions. Few pursuits bear less fruit than those of men who desire to find and marry the right woman but refrain from asking women questions. A woman needs to know who you are, but a woman also needs to know that you want to know who she is. We are generally delighted by a good guy’s desire to tell us about his life, but a guy who shares information and doesn’t solicit it does a disservice to a potential relationship. If a man likes a woman, he ought to ask what her goals are, and what she values, and how into comics she is before he lists all the titles in his collection. A man who doesn’t ask a woman questions sends a sign that he isn’t interested in her.

2. Use words. It is equal parts liberating and alarming to acknowledge this important truth: we can’t not communicate. A person says as much by not talking as he or she does by speaking up. But there is a big gap between somebody who doesn’t talk and somebody who does. A guy who crosses his arms, audibly sighs, and rolls his eyes over and over when he is frustrated speaks in code. A guy who tells his date he is frustrated is a grown-up. A woman can’t read anybody’s mind but her own, and a man who doesn’t give her a reason to try to read his is a man who spares her stress. By default, human beings constantly communicate. But when a man likes a woman, he uses words to do it.

3. Seek counsel. Dating is hard. Dating is potentially harder when half a couple seeks advice from somebody who isn’t qualified to give it. When a man likes a woman and needs advice, he considers a person’s credentials before he solicits it. If he wants to know what a woman meant by what she said, he doesn’t poll his friends; he asks her. If he isn’t sure he knows what his vocation is, he doesn’t tweet about it; he meets with a spiritual director. If he struggles to practice chastity, he doesn’t vent to his single but sexually active friends; he asks his friends who are good at chastity to hold him accountable. A man’s respect for a woman and his relationship with her is evident when he seeks counsel about it wisely.

4. Follow through. Actions indeed speak louder than words, but that doesn’t mean what somebody says is irrelevant. When a man likes a woman, he does what he says he’s going to do, and in doing so, he proves he is worthy of her trust. If he tells her he’ll text her, or call her, or DVR a How I Met Your Mother re-run for her, he gives her an expectation. But a man who gives a woman an expectation and then does not fulfill it gives her a reason not to trust him.

5. Save sex. A practicing Catholic woman expects a man to believe before he pursues her that preparedness for marriage is more important than preparedness for a wedding night. As Catholics, we are not called to have sex because sex is pleasurable. We are called to create a pleasurable sexual relationship with the person to whom we are united in marriage.

Marriage, a vocation, is designed to result in the destruction of self-absorption. Saving sex while we date aligns us with that purpose. When a man likes a woman, he does what he can to prepare for the patience, sacrifice, and self-denial that a marriage will require—and saving sex is an exercise in all three.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

Which Catholic (or Other) Dating Website Is Right for Me?

The United States has almost 60 million people registered on over 1,500 online dating sites. These numbers can be a bit overwhelming, so it is helpful to go over sites that might be most useful to Catholics. There are two basic types: general dating sites that have large numbers of people and those that are specifically Catholic dating sites.

General Dating Sites

Match.com typifies a general dating site. You begin by setting up a profile. Match.com asks a series of questions about you, your interests, lifestyle and background, and values. At the end of the questions, Match.com encourages you to post a picture of yourself to generate greater interest in your profile. Once your profile is set up, you can search by age, interests, zip code, gender, or even keywords. This searching ability is necessary as Match.com has more than 20 million users. (Its already high number of users increased in 2010 when it absorbed Yahoo! Personals.)

If you worry about being able to sort through these numbers yourself, you can use the Match.com sister site, Chemistry.com. Chemistry.com has you take a personality test and then uses this information to suggest people who would be a good match, ideally for long-term relationships.

eHarmony is another large dating site, also around 20 million users, and focuses on people who are interested in marital relationships. To set up a profile on eHarmony, you take a personality questionnaire consisting of over 400 questions. Your answers are analyzed by eHarmony’s “patented Compatibility Matching System” that uses personality traits to match individuals. This process eliminates those interested in casual dating and attracts those who are looking for serious relationships. Some believe that this is the reason eHarmony is one of the few online dating sites that has more women than men. eHarmony’s uniqueness and popularity are reflected in its approximately $ 50-a-month cost.

While there are other general dating sites, Match.com and eHarmony are the most prominent. Other general sites operate in a similar manner but typically have some features that distinguish them from these two goliaths. The best examples include Coffee Meets Bagel, which uses your Facebook profile to find matches and allows women to contact men who have already expressed interest in them. Zoosk also works through Facebook and other social networking sites. These sites have around 10 million users each.

These sites can be useful for Catholics for a number of reasons. First, they provide a large pool of potential matches and they all have a large number of Catholics present on them. Second, they all have ways of indicating how important your faith is to you and matching you with people based on this characteristic. The limitation is that it’s up to you to indicate how important your faith is and what values you hold most important. You must take the initiative in attending to those whose faith and morals seem compatible. In short, these sites have lots of people and many useful tools for matching, but it’s your responsibility to make your faith a key component of these matches.

Catholic Dating Sites

Catholic dating sites have opposite strengths and weaknesses. On the one hand, they make faith and morals central to the process of matching. They facilitate both talking and learning about the faith. Their weakness is that they have smaller numbers of users.

Catholic dating sites all function similarly to general dating sites with profiles, search options, and messaging systems. They supplement helping people find matches by providing articles and advice columns about the Catholic faith. Finally, they all charge around $20 a month, lower if you sign up for six months. CatholicMatch and CatholicSingles are two of the more prominent sites.

CatholicMatch is run by Acolyte, LLC (whose founder is a Catholic) and is one of the largest dating sites specifically for Catholics. Its perspective is expressed through its seven “Do you agree with the Catholic Church’s teaching on…” questions that everyone must answer when they set up their profile. (These questions focus on the Eucharist, premarital sex, contraception, life issues, papal infallibility, Mary, and Holy Orders.) These questions can be answered by agreeing, slightly agreeing, or not agreeing, and the answers are used to find matches. CatholicMatch also runs the CatholicMatch Institute, which features success stories from CatholicMatch couples as well as dating and marriage advice.

CatholicSingles, another large dating site, aims to connect faithful Catholics by focusing on their activities and interests, rather than pictures. Users are asked to provide information on their personality, family background, spending habits, and how often they pray and go to mass. In addition to answering classic prompts such as “My ideal first date might be,” users on CatholicSingles can add responses to “How religion plays a role in my daily life” and “What being Catholic means to me” to their profiles. Singles can filter for potential matches by age and location. Unlike CatholicMatch, they do not ask questions on whether you agree with Church teachings or not.

A third Catholic dating site launched in 2018. CatholicChemistry promises both a fresh approach to dating and a streamlined interface. Founder Chuck Gallucci says, “We want CatholicChemistry to be more than a meeting place for Catholic singles. Every aspect of the user experience is designed to lead people towards deeper fidelity and appreciation of their faith.” Like CatholicMatch, the site also asks users’ opinions on Church teaching, but allows users to select if they’re unsure but open to learning more. Once you’ve created a profile, you can filter potential matches by age, location, mass attendance, liturgy preferences, and answers to faith-related questions.

The one site that is slightly different is AveMariaSingles. It focuses on a very specific Catholic audience. The website “pledges to offer a service solely dedicated to helping faithful, practicing Catholics find their future spouse and help them become a better follower of Christ.” The site is for Catholics who are able to marry in the Church and are opposed to using contraception. Members have discerned a vocation to sacramental marriage but have not yet found the right person. AveMariaSingles offers a slightly different payment plan: a one-time fee of $97 that allows permanent access to the site. The result of this approach is a highly active membership that is just over 10,000 people.

While this list of sites is not exhaustive, it should give you a sense of the kind of sites that are available as well as their popularity and usefulness.

For Further Reading

Disclaimer: The websites listed do not imply and are not to be used as official endorsements by the USCCB of the sites or those associated with them. The sites listed are solely intended as a resource regarding sites that might be of interest to For Your Marriage visitors.

Can Dating Websites Help You Find a Spouse?

With almost 40 million of the U.S. population having tried internet dating, it has become one of the largest online industries, grossing almost two billion dollars in 2011. eHarmony and Match.com have over 30 million users combined and the sites that focus mainly on Catholics—Catholicmingle.com, Catholicmatch.com and Avemariasingles.com—account for well over 200,000 individuals.

Given these numbers, it is fair to ask how helpful these sites are for finding successful relationships, including marital ones.

How do these websites help?

• These sites enable you to overcome many geographical limitations. Online sites expand the range of people you might meet. You can contact others of similar interests that are beyond where you work, live, and worship.

• You have a better chance of meeting people with similar beliefs. The websites either match you with people based on your preferences or provide tools that enable you to do the searching yourself. The Catholic sites have the added advantage of emphasizing a person’s faith. This enables people to discuss their beliefs up front, in the first few interactions, instead of after several conversations or dates. As shared values are essential for successful relationships and marriage, it is helpful to discuss them as you get to know someone and before you move forward in a relationship.

• The sites make it easier to meet people in-person, the best way to evaluate the potential for a relationship. They help you draw from a large pool of individuals to find those who might be of interest to you. After a few interactions online, the sites often suggest a short meeting in a public place, like a coffee shop, to see if you want to continue getting to know the other person. (Three or four online interactions seem to be ideal as by then you know if you are interested and you have found out most of what you can without meeting in person.) Many of the sites even sponsor events for users to facilitate these face-to-face meetings. Match.com, for example, has an initiative called “The Stir” where they sponsor events for users to meet each other.

• Each site takes several precautions to ensure the safety of its users. All of the companies said they screen profiles before posting them and continually check them for any violations of the company’s decency standards. Users are able to report any inappropriate material on profiles. The sites also recommend that you delay sharing your phone number and email address until after a few in-person meetings. You still must be cautious and responsible for your own safety, but there are several mechanisms in place to help protect users.

What are their limitations?

• Different sites focus on different types of relationships. Match.com is geared to provide users with a full range of relationship options from casual encounters to finding potential spouses. eHarmony emphasizes serious relationships, utilizing a 400 question personality inventory to pair users. The Catholic sites focus on serious relationships through a two-fold process of self-selection. First, by targeting Catholics, these sites attract Catholics, and Catholics typically value marriage. Second, each Catholic site further indicates what kind of emphasis it places on marriage. Avemariasingles.com, for example, is for those “practicing Catholics who are serious about marriage, not window shoppers looking for a date.” Catholicmingle.com, on the other hand, is for those seeking a faith community “for friendship, dating or marriage.”

• Be wary of any distinct, special, or “scientific” claims for matching people. What research has been done on these methods indicates, at best, that they are not as effective as in-person assessments and, at worst, that they are flawed in their approach. What these “matching” options are good at is eliminating those who are least compatible. In other words, the sites are better at indicating what two people would NOT have a good relationship rather than what two people will have a good relationship.

• Too many matches can become overwhelming. Imagine looking at a menu in a restaurant that has 1,000 possible meals on it. It is difficult to choose. Typically, what people do in these situations is break it down into easier choices (“Do I want chicken or fish?”) and eliminate huge portions of the menu. The problem is that this process can easily eliminate some of the best options. This approach is often what people end up doing on dating websites. When faced with a large number of matches, people choose some characteristic, like hair color or height, and eliminate those who do not have that characteristic. They do this to make the choosing manageable, but it does not guarantee the best outcomes. In short, more does not necessarily mean better.

• The sites tend to overly emphasize personal preference or fulfillment. Obviously, your own choice and preferences matter a great deal in choosing a spouse. Yet, marriage for Catholics is not just about what you want but how you will love and care for others. Another way to think about this is that dating websites often make the process feel like shopping, like a person is picking out a new coffee machine, golf clubs, or clothes. The result is that trying to figure out who is a good match often stops with “what makes you happy.” It forgets to ask: “Is this person good and loving to others as well as to me?”

• Finally, no one should forget that the goal of these sites is to make money. They usually allow you to register and browse for free and do not require payment (typically around $20 a month for 6 months) until you want to contact someone. This money provides you a service, a useful and often quality service, one that can even help you to find a spouse. Yet, the goal of the company is still, first and foremost, profit. While they want some people to meet and be happy together, they want most people to keep coming back and using the service. This is how they make money. Your interest in a good marriage and their interest in a good profit may align, but they will not always or necessarily do so.

Do they help you to find a spouse?

They can. In fact, in 2011 almost 20% of marriages began online. Just be clear that these dating websites help not by finding the perfect match for you but by expanding the number of people you can meet.

These sites complement meeting people in-person or through family, friends, or church groups. If you approach the sites this way, you should feel comfortable and even hopeful using them.

For Further Reading:

Catholics Are Meeting Their Spouse Online – a PDF from CatholicMatch

Dating? Four Basics to Keep in Mind

Dating—that is, scheduling time to spend with a person of the opposite sex to get to know them–can be a wonderful time in a person’s life. It challenges us to grow as individuals and to learn more about others. It can also lead us to grow deeper in faith. Here are four basic points to keep in mind when dating.

1. Know your intentions

Are you looking at dating as only a means of finding a future spouse?

While it could potentially be the end to the means of dating, finding a future spouse should not be the main intention of dating. That puts too much pressure on each individual date and the person whom you date.

Dating is a time to learn more about yourself through a relationship with others. It is a time to see what qualities you need and like in others. When not limiting yourself to a certain type you will discover new and valuable aspects of each person.

Perhaps you have learned that in relationships you act a certain way that does not really reflect who you are or who you want to be. In this case, one can use dating as a way to become more genuine in relation to the opposite sex. It will show what you need to “give” in the relationship and what you can “take” from the relationship, too!

2. Stick to your boundaries

Communication is an important factor in any relationship but especially a dating one. One must be honest about one’s own intentions. All relationships need boundaries. A boundary for a practicing Catholic is chastity, refraining from sexual activity before marriage. Doing this helps build intimacy within the relationship without having sex.

Being up front about one’s beliefs will weed out dates that are not worth your time from those that are. One must not only say things up front but back them up with actions. Do not send mixed messages; be clear and concise in your actions. Date in open public areas where there is no pressure to be physically intimate. If you are on a date where alcohol is served drink in moderation to avoid temptation.

3. Have fun

Dating is fun if you enter into it with the mentality of enjoying the present moment. When you start to date someone, take the time to get to know them. Rushing into a serious relationship can add too much pressure. Just enjoy the time you have with that person in the present moment; tomorrow will take care of itself. Some fun date ideas include museums, art galleries, bowling, mini golfing, movies, dinner, and rollercoaster parks.

4. Trust in God while dating

Dating is an opportunity from God to learn more about others through entering into a dating relationship with them. Trust that you are in a dating season of your life because God needs you to take the time and be present in dating. Trust that God is leading you always and pray that your dating be fruitful.

“Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” – Proverbs 16:3

For Further Reading:

7 Reasons Not to Marry

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. Following is a list of danger signs. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

1. Marrying to get out of the house.

This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Other options exist to get away from a troubled home. A counselor can help you find them.

2. No one better will ask me to marry him/her.

This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true selves. Postponing or canceling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counseling can help, too.

3. It’s just time to get married.

Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person.

4. Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner.

Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don’t be fooled by your partner’s promise to stop.

5. You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include:

  • One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries.
  • Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind.
  • You can’t have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.
  • You become careless with important relationships.
  • You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs – not with you!

6. You and your partner have major items which you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship.

For example: children, money management, division of responsibility for home and children, whether to keep both careers, religious identity of children in an interfaith marriage.

You need to talk about all important issues openly before marriage. The wedding ceremony itself will not eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements. Consider enlisting the help of a priest, minister, or counselor if these issues seem too threatening to handle alone.

7. Marriage just seems like the next logical step.

This sometimes happens to couples who are living together. They slide into marriage not because they have fully explored the idea of a permanent commitment and freely choose that for themselves, but because getting married is the next thing to do. Or they slide into marriage to fix a relationship that is limping along, thinking that having their families’ or church’s stamp of approval will fix their relationship. If this describes your relationship, slow down and look more carefully at what marriage is. Are you ready, willing, and able to fulfill its responsibilities?

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown.