Tag Archives: Communication

If Opposites Attract, How Can We Get Along?

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.” Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal. There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

  1. Appreciation – Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?
  2. Meet each other half way – like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.
  3. Become a student – Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more well-rounded person.

Finances: Yours, Mine, Ours

The Situation

Tim’s aunt sold her large home and moved to a retirement village. She decided to share some of the proceeds with Tim and Megan and sent them $6,000 to be used any way they pleased. After their initial excitement, the couple began to discuss how to use the unexpected boost to their financial picture.

Megan immediately suggested putting the whole amount into their savings account. The couple had dipped into their savings recently due to the expense of fixing the foundation of their older home. Megan saw the money gift as a way of shoring up their “safety net” of funds for future emergencies. She viewed money as security. Having grown up in a home where money was always tight, she carried the fear of not having enough into her adult life. She wanted her present family to be better prepared.

This approach wasn’t what Tim had in mind. He saw money as a resource to be spent on things or activities that provided fun and satisfaction in life, for oneself and others. He was responsible with money to pay bills and take care of the family, but had been known to overindulge in using money for enjoyment. There were no money concerns in Tim’s growing up years. Whatever he needed or wanted was at his fingertips. And after all, this was his aunt; shouldn’t he have more say in the matter?

This was not the first discussion about finances where Tim and Megan differed in how they viewed money and its uses. What are possible healthy choices for Tim and Megan as they work through this issue together?

The Prescription

Surveys identify money as one of the top issues over which couples have conflicts. Therefore, developing a couple-style of managing money is crucial to the health of a marriage. If a couple can’t work through their money issues together, the relationship will face problems of distrust, resentment and insecurity.

Since money is necessary for our well-being, it is a strong emotional issue in all of us. Tim viewed the use of money through the lens of enjoyment while Megan saw money as a means of security. Others may regard money through the lens of status, success, or a way of maintaining independence or security. None of these orientations is wrong in itself unless taken to extremes, or if one spouse refuses to consider the other’s view.

Tim and Megan can benefit from the following principles and skills as they make decisions about money matters in their marriage:

  • Come to the discussion with respect for your spouse’s perspective and input. Develop an attitude of an “intent to learn.” This requires a commitment to careful listening and prevents protective posturing.
  • Work towards a balance of views and uses of money to achieve a sense of success, security, enjoyment, and well-being. For example, Tim and Megan might elect to put $4,000 in savings and use the rest for a couple trip.
  • Avoid one-sided decisions. Make a budget plan and stick to it.
  • Remember that in marriage what is mine is yours – even gifts from a relative.
  • Avoid debt overload by saving and living within your means. If irresponsible spending has been an issue, set up a budget that reduces expenditures in order to get debt under control.
  • Remember that donations to one’s faith congregation are not meant to be leftovers, but an integral part of your budget.
  • Become an informed money manager couple. Reading a book or article on money issues (i.e. The Marriage Journey: Preparations and Provisions for Life Together by Linda L. Grenz & Delbert C. Glover) or taking a financial planning course together helps couples make more responsible and agreeable financial decisions.
  • Money matters in a marriage. When spouses take time to understand and honor each other’s perspectives on money and make wise and generous financial decisions, money becomes a bonder and not a divider in their relationship.

About the author
Judy Clark is the Co-Director of Adult and Family Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plana, Texas. Judy is also a licensed professional counselor.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

How Financial Difficulties Affect Marriage

Pete and Jenny were married for seven years when Pete’s job was downsized. He was out of work for eight months while car payments, school debt and credit card bills piled up. Jenny worked overtime and Pete got a part time job at night while job searching during the day. Their personal differences in spending, saving and accounting for money made it difficult to face their money problems. Panicked that they might lose their home, they sat down with a financial counselor and created a plan that cut extras, including their son’s piano lessons, pedicures for Jenny, and Pete’s summer fishing trip.

In retrospect they both agreed it was a time of disillusionment and stress that almost ended their marriage. Tensions erupted in ill-tempered arguments over little things. Anger, resentment, self-pity: they experienced it all.

They also recognized that the crisis pulled them together in adversity. It helped them learn new ways to disagree without fighting andto set priorities. When short on money, they found creative ways to enjoy life and make sacrifices for their future together. They admitted that all of those things brought them closer to each other than they had ever been. Their financial struggle was a life-shaping lesson in what it means to be married “for better, for worse.”

The economic downturn is putting stress on marriages at every income level. Whether it’s a job eliminated in an automobile plant or stock losses in the retirement portfolio, unwelcome lifestyle changes have become necessary for many people. Major economic worries affect both individual well-being and the couple relationship. The apprehension connected with unpaid bills, credit card debt and possible job or home loss seems to bring out the worst in people. Anger about money spills over into other areas. Communication breaks down. Differences in money habits begin to surface and blaming each other erodes affection.

Serious money problems can cause panic and apprehension and bring many couples to the brink of divorce. But other couples are growing through the difficulty, finding ways to use their differing skills as a team to overcome adversity. When I asked couples who survived how they managed their money crisis, here is what they said.

We got professional advice.

The money issue became an ugly power struggle. A financial advisor helped us be objective about what needed to be done. He helped us create a plan and set goals for ourselves. State and local agencies provided free or low cost advice and support to help us meet our goals. Friends of ours read a book on finances and gathered with other couples who were trying to manage their money problems.

On our wedding day, we said we’d be faithful “for better for worse.” This was the “for worse” and we’re better off for having survived it.

We took a serious look at our individual approaches to money because we couldn’t agree on anything.

He’s a saver, I’m a spender. We found an easy-to-use tool, called MONEY HABITUDES, that helped us explore the strengths and weaknesses of our own attitudes and habits about money. Information is available at www.moneyhabitudes.com. HABITUDES helped us understand and respect each other more and it has spilled over into other aspects of our relationship.

We stopped the blame game.

Blame eroded the team spirit needed to overcome the crisis. We were on opposite sides battling each other instead of battling the problem. We started working together on carrying out our financial plan, each making personal changes when needed.

One of the blessings given to us at our wedding liturgy was to have the experience of “two becoming one” in mind, body and spirit. We caught a glimpse of what that meant. We had different ways of handling money, but we wanted a future together and we both took responsibility for that.

We visited a marriage counselor several times.

We were fighting constantly and couldn’t talk without bitterness and misunderstanding. We realized that there were other issues lying dormant under the financial problems. Our counseling sessions helped us recognize destructive patterns in the way we were communicating and treating each other. We were so scared we might not make it, that we prayed to God for help. It was humbling, but critically helpful in getting us through the worst of times.

The current financial crisis isn’t simply a money problem and no one particular strategy works for every couple. Couples may have to explore several solutions or start all over after a failure. But this crisis provides an opportunity to assess and strengthen the relationship. The current economic downturn is a test of the partnership that has been forming over the years and of the commitment to a future together. It measures the ability to make changes in oneself for the benefit of the marriage.

This crisis forces the maturity questions: “What is the difference between what I want and what I need?” “Can I delay gratification out of love for another?”

It raises marriage questions. “Are our common priorities as important to me as my own personal agenda?” It’s important to know my own needs, but essential to create a budget for “our” future. “Can I change my ways for the good of this marriage, this family?” “Do I trust that God is with us in this struggle and will provide help if we ask?”

Money in marriage is connected to everything else: communication, sex, spirituality, health. The rising unemployment rate, crumbling housing market, and credit crunch are bad news, but opportunity lies right beneath the surface of the rough water. The opportunity is to face adversity together, to renew trust in God and in each other and to build a stronger marriage that overcomes the test of time. There is no greater treasure than that.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is an author and teacher who conducts workshops and retreats nationally and internationally on marital spirituality. She is the author of “For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring the Holy Mystery of Marriage.”

Just Because You’re Quiet Doesn’t Mean You’re Listening

While listening takes as much skill as talking and it’s just as big a part of communicating, it’s something most of us have not been well schooled to do. We were taught something about trying to make ourselves understood when communicating, but nothing about opening ourselves to receiving messages from others with as little judgment as possible.

Here are some “how-to’s” for listening techniques:

  • Mirror back what you’ve just heard. “So you think we should give our money away and move to Chile?” Listening to what you thought you heard may enable your partner to clarify the original message.
  • Paraphrase. “So you mean that you think we should give up what we have to help others?” Paraphrasing helps both of you figure out whether you have gotten the message straight from the original speaker.
  • Summarize. “Let’s see if I have this straight. You’re tired of working in a dead end job and you’d rather do something that is more meaningful. Is that it? Have I understood?” See if you can put together a brief summary of what you think you heard and how you understand it.

It’s impossible to respond appropriately unless you’re responding to what was said and unless you pin down the intention behind the words. This takes a lot of discipline, but it pays off when you’re able to act in a way that gives you a bit of emotional distance. Families have different ways of processing information too, so learning how to really hear your spouse may be like learning a foreign language. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. And by the way, be patient with your spouse too!

Top 10 Reasons to Communicate

10. Saves You Money
There’s no doubt about it, poor communications can be costly. Flowers, candy, gifts large and small are regularly offered by a spouse who said the “wrong thing’ or failed to say the “right thing.” When you look at costly mistakes in a marriage the majority of them are a result of poor communications.

9. Saves Time
“Yeah” “Sure” “Whatever” may seem like an efficient way of dealing with your husband or wife when they want to talk but it’s not. Sooner or later an unresolved issue must be discussed. So taking the time the first time your spouse wants to talk with you will ultimately prove to be a time saver. You won’t have to go back to the beginning and start again, because you communicated clearly and honestly the first time around.

8. Earns Points For The Future
Every time you and your spouse have a satisfying conversation you build credit toward future communication. Both of you know and expect that you will be able to share because you have a record of success.

7. It’s Good For Your Health
Good communications in marriage reduces stress for two reasons. First, it allows you to resolve the tension between you, and second, it allows you to “vent’ some of your anxieties from other areas of your life. Many couples report that their partner is the first person they could fully trust. “I can tell him anything”, one wife said recently. “I know he will listen and understand how I feel.”

6. Allows You To Concentrate On Other Things
Have you ever found yourself continuing a discussion you had earlier while you were at work? “I should have said this” you say to yourself. “Oh yeah? Well what about the time you did…” Perhaps you’re so upset about an unfinished conversation earlier in the day that you call your spouse to either apologize or get one more point across. Listening and talking effectively resolves the issue and frees your mind to concentrate on other tasks.

5. Builds Up Your Relationship
Couples who don’t communicate are in danger of losing love and affection for one another. All relationships are nourished by communications. If you don’t communicate with parents, siblings, co-workers, children, or your partner, you lose touch with them and your relationship withers.

4. You Learn More About Yourself
Have you ever tried to explain your thoughts or feelings to someone else and during the conversation you end up in a different place from where you began? Putting your thoughts into words forces you to clarify them. Talking and listening also allows you to fine tune your ideas.

3. Less Hassle
“Why won’t you talk to me?” “I know something is bothering you-what is it?” “Don’t just walk away. Talk to me. Please!”

Be honest. Avoiding communications is as much work as communicating. So why not just talk, or do you like being pursued? Does being silent give you more control over the situation? While it may seem that way, ultimately you’ll have a spouse who will trust you less. Giving your partner the gift of your time to talk things through will make your life simpler in the long run.

2. You Might Learn Something New
The person you are married to is not the person you first met. Neither are you the same. Every day brings new experiences, thoughts, dreams, plans. It’s a guarantee that if you work at communicating you will discover new things about each other.

These new discoveries stretch out in two directions from where you are now. You will discover experiences from your spouse’s childhood that you never knew. You don’t know them because the person you love has them hidden away in their memory. They don’t remember until some new experience triggers a recollection.

You see a child run into the street and your husband says, “I almost got hit by a car when I was that age.” What follows is a story of childhood excitement, parental fear, and lessons learned that come pouring out from the distant past. It might explain why he drives so slowly in areas with children, or give you insight into how he will react when your child does the same thing years from now.

1. It’s Fun!

Adapted from FOUNDATIONS Newsletter

After the Fight – Making Up

When you’ve had a falling out or feel distance between you, how do you come back together and reconcile? The following might help:

  • Ask yourself if there are unfinished issues with your parents that you have super-imposed on this issue with your partner?
  • Talk it out using the Speaker-Listener technique. (One person speaks, the other listens and then paraphrases what they heard. The speaker confirms whether the listener heard correctly. Only after the listener gets it right does the speaker go on, or the listener asks for “the floor” and shares his/her own thoughts.) Remember the rules. Don’t jump prematurely into identifying a specific solution until you’ve respectfully heard and been heard.
  • Put out the Unity Candle you used at your wedding or reception (or use another symbolic item) to signify that you’re calm enough to talk.
  • Apologize for your part. This doesn’t mean that your beloved is blameless, just that you are expressing sorrow for any way that your actions or words may have hurt your relationship, even unintentionally.
  • The Sacrament of Reconciliation can help you to forgive yourself and heal.
  • Seek professional counseling when the two of you aren’t making any headway in resolving the issue and it is infecting other parts of your marriage; you are feeling hopeless; you tend to distance rather than tackle the issue and the distance is growing; physical or verbal violence is being used (in this case, go to counseling separately).
  • In marriage, using lovemaking as a substitute for talking things out can bury the issue instead of resolving it. However, lovemaking after you have reconciled is a wonderful way to celebrate.

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, PA.

Changing Your Spouse – and Yourself

They say that when a man marries a woman, he thinks, “She’s the one I’ve been waiting for. She’ll never change.” – and she always does. And a woman looks at her man, and thinks, “He just needs a little work; after we’re married, I’ll help him change” – and he never does.

The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Change sometimes doesn’t happen fast enough to suit us. Your beloved may be oblivious to your dissatisfaction. If he or she doesn’t realize the need to change something, a loving spouse can gently ask for change. Nagging, cajoling, and arguing, however, get us nowhere and can make us even more miserable. Successful couples recognize that the only person you can change is yourself.

Enlist your spouse as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouses about your plan to change and enlist their support. Energy for marital growth can be ignited in your marriages. Our spouses, no matter what personal faults or issues they may have, will appreciate our efforts (they’ve been hoping we would!).

What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your spouse? Despite your hopes and personal improvement efforts, he or she is resistant or unable to change. This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of marital change is at your service: Acceptance. When spouses show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your spouse makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as helpmate is indispensable. You are the one who loves your spouse the most.

About the author
Lauri Przybysz is the Coordinator of Marriage & Family Enrichment for the Archdiocese of Baltimore.

Four Elements of Conflict Resolution

Having a successful marriage means learning some skills that differ from the skills you need for most other pieces of life. You are in the business of building, maintaining, and protecting a relationship. In many instances in our lives, we are protecting our own interests. In marriage, we sometimes have to put aside what might be our first choice in order to keep the relationship in good health.

1. Know the distinction between difference and disagreements.

You can differ with your spouse without having a disagreement. You can vote for different presidential candidates, prefer different restaurants, or have different favorite movies. These differences do not necessarily impact your relationship, because you can act on your own to satisfy your preference. But if you differ about whether to live on the East or West coast; or if you differ over whether or not to buy a house, then it is hard to go forward without resolving that difference.

2. Differences become disagreements when space is limited.

Since in marriage you join your lives and commit to staying together, then your choices of some basic issues become matters for joint decision-making. Not only is your physical space limited, but your psychic space is limited, too. How do you feel about having company on Saturday evening? How do you feel about cleaning up the house Saturday afternoon in order to have it ready for company Saturday evening? It’s “our” decision, it’s “our” company, and it’s “our” space to make ready. We may have different needs for socializing, different desires for time use and different standards for tidiness, all of which have to be negotiated for this one event.

3. When disagreements heat up, they become conflicts.

There is a bodily reaction that happens when you are in a conflict. Your pulse rises, your breathing speeds up, and you often get sweaty palms. Your body is sending adrenalin into your system, because it believes you are in danger. It is preparing you to fight.

This reaction happens faster in some people than others, but whenever it happens, it drives the ability to come to a reasonable solution right out of the picture. The fight instinct drives away the learned response to compromise every time. When you’re ready to fight you cannot feel your love for your partner; therefore, the conflict takes place in a dangerous zone, without the caring that normally characterizes your interactions with one another.

At this point you must make a choice. Either you can resolve the conflict and come back together feeling good about each other and your relationship, or you can come away feeling embattled and resentful, and it will make your relationship more difficult, at least for a while.

4. Conflicts are resolved more easily when you can cool off first.

Making the choice to back away from a fight until you can talk calmly – while taking a huge amount of discipline – can reap big benefits for your relationship. The only way to win an argument in a marriage is for both partners to come away feeling that they were heard and respected.

Helpful books:

  • The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
  • The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, Gary Chapman
  • You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship Into a Compassionate, Loving One, Steven Stosny
  • Love and Anger in Marriage, David Mace

Interfering In-Laws

The Situation

Karen and Bill have been married for two years. They get along well, except for the visits from Bill’s parents. His dad is a fine person and easy to have around. Bill’s mother, Helen, is the problem.

Helen is a super housekeeper. At Helen’s house, there is never a scrap of paper where it shouldn’t be or a dust ball anywhere. Her windows shine, her appliances shine – the house and everything in it could be brand new.

Karen and Bill share the housekeeping in their apartment, but they both work full time and enjoy having a chance to kick back when they are not working. Mail does pile up, and sometimes there are dirty dishes in the sink. So when Bill’s folks are coming, they go into high gear cleaning up. But no matter how much they clean, Helen always finds something that needs her attention when she arrives.

Karen’s frustration has been mounting over the years of their marriage, so this last time, she set out to make things spotless. She even enlisted the help of her friend, Sue. The two of them spent the Thursday night before Helen’s weekend visit cleaning – four hours of vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, and waxing. Karen was sure Helen would have nothing to clean this time! But sure enough, she had missed the pipes behind the sink in the bathroom, and the kitchen trashcan had some coffee stains inside.

Karen was so frustrated she couldn’t enjoy the visit, and when Helen left she cried to Bill, “Why can’t she just come and visit? Nothing I do is enough!” Bill’s answer was, “Oh honey, that’s just how mom is. She doesn’t mean anything by it.” Karen still feels frustrated in meeting the impossible standards of her mother-in-law. What can Karen and Bill do?

A Response

Although cleaning may not be the in-law issue you personally deal with, it reflects one of the many ways interference by in-laws can bring tension to a marriage. Strategies for addressing interference from outsiders, however, remain the same:

Abandon the ketchup bottle

In talking about conflictual situations, couples sometimes use the “ketchup bottle” approach. You know, when you can’t get the top off the ketchup so you just try harder? Usually, you have to try something new before it opens. If Karen thinks cleaning for six hours next time will do the trick, she’ll likely end up even more frustrated.

Put yourself in the other’s shoes

Karen needs to try to figure out why Helen is so determined to find things to clean. Maybe she feels awkward sitting around with no tasks to do. Maybe she’s been praised for her cleaning ability and feels it’s her only talent and wants to make sure everyone knows it. Maybe she knows that Bill and Karen have to clean after working 40-hour weeks so she wants to help out when she’s around.

Without asking Helen, we won’t know what her motivation is, but trying to understand what’s driving her may make it feel less like a competition.

Talk with your spouse about it

Karen probably wants to talk to Bill about her feelings – not to complain about his mother, but to brainstorm solutions. That will make it feel like a problem they share, rather than an issue that comes between them.

A hint for the interferer

If you are reading this and identify with Helen, you may want to ask yourself why you are cleaning Karen and Bill’s house. You may feel critical of Karen as a housekeeper, but there are other ways to share your expertise. Maybe you could share time-saving tips you have discovered over your years of housekeeping. The last thing you want is to cause problems between Bill and Karen. Nobody wins if the young couple is unhappy. If your motive is to give them a hand because of their busy lives, then you need to offer your help directly, and ask if there is a particular project they could use help with.

A hint for the supportive spouse

If you are Bill, then you need to listen to Karen’s frustration and, without condemning your mother, try to help Karen figure out why your mom is behaving in this way. Your first job is to support Karen and listen to her feelings. You may need to have a conversation with your mother along the lines of “Mom, Karen and I split the household tasks, and when you come and start cleaning it makes us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We’d appreciate your suggestions, but when you and dad come we’d like to have fun with you.”

Underlying principles

There’s no one right solution to in-law dilemmas, but there are some underlying principles:

  • Couple unity has priority over other relationships.
  • If something needs to be said it should come from the child to his or her parent, not from in-law to in-law.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development. Kathy and her husband, Steve, live in Portland, ME.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

The Empty Nest

The Situation

Tom and Maribeth are college sweethearts married 29 years. They feel they have a stable marriage that has involved raising four children. It has been a wild ride of parenthood with a few hair-raising experiences. Still, they both agree that all four have been successfully launched into adulthood. And now that their youngest has recently married, they are truly an “empty nest” marriage, not just the “shifting nest” of college years and a few years beyond.

The couple has been very involved parents from the moment their first child was born after two years of marriage. Life with four children was busy and parenting was often emotionally draining and exhausting. Many days they found themselves waving goodbye to each other as they split up to take the children to their separate events and activities. They seemed to never have enough time for each other and would talk yearningly about how things would be when the kids were grown and they were simply a couple again.

Now that time has come. To their surprise, Tom and Maribeth aren’t sure just how to begin living it. They have devoted so much of themselves to raising a family, and much of their communication has been directed to that end. They find themselves experiencing a strange emptiness in their daily lives and even feel uncomfortable in their conversations together. They both are deeply committed to each other but aren’t sure just what the “good life” of being a twosome again will be for them.

A Response

No wonder Tom and Maribeth are feeling unsettled and out of balance. They are transitioning from one life cycle stage of their marriage to another major stage that involves new challenges as well as adventures. This isn’t the first life cycle change they have experienced in their marriage. They have journeyed together through the newly married stage, first child stage, elementary school and adolescent stages, and the launching stage of beginning to see their children as adults. Each stage involves developmental, emotional, and spiritual tasks that take gradual readjustments.

Indeed, the couple has already renegotiated several new marriage relationships through these various life cycle changes. Each time, they have adjusted their roles and learned new skills as they moved into the unknown future of the next stage. Since they are facing change, they will feel unsteady and possibly tend to resist it, even if unconsciously. The more they understand how to navigate the predictable changes of this next stage, the easier it will be for them to make a smooth transition together.

Reconnecting

In the best of situations, it is a challenge for married couples to stay in tune with each other in the midst of parenting tasks and responsibilities. Their communication style can suffer as they concentrate on daily busyness and fail to connect on a level of intimate friendship. Taking time daily to talk about each person’s ups and downs of the day is a good beginning. Some couples develop a habit of a daily walk together. Others sit on the patio after work. When partners communicate on a vulnerable level, sharing their important thoughts and feelings regularly, they reconnect and bonding occurs.

Redefining the Relationship

Sometimes a marriage has been too child-centered to the detriment of the couple relationship. It is important for couples entering any stage of marriage to commit to keeping the relationship “partner-centered.” In a “we-centered” marriage, the couple’s love relationship is central in their daily lives. This allows their love to flow outwards to their children and others. The Church makes it clear that couples are called to love one another in an extraordinary fashion. A good way to begin redefining the marriage is to reread your wedding vows to one another.

Reinvesting in New Growth

Allowing oneself to grieve the loss of particular roles enjoyed during parenting years is a healthy start to new growth. Discussing openly the strengths and limitations of the relationship and setting new goals together is also helpful. Letting go of old hurts and resentments is a necessary step towards growing healthier and holier in the marriage. Sometimes professional help may be needed.

Empty Nest couples, like Tom and Maribeth, are called to new choices, more freedoms, and new ways of loving each other in this grace-filled stage of marriage. An excellent book for empty nesters is The Second Half of Marriage by David and Claudia Arp.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.