Tag Archives: Cohabitation

Church Teachings

Is it true that an annulment does not affect the legitimacy of a married couple’s children? Or that Natural Family Planning can be an effective method for regulating the number and spacing of children? (The answer to both questions is “YES.”)

“Perhaps you know the ‘bottom line’ but don’t understand why the Church teaches as it does?”

Many couples wonder what, exactly, the Catholic Church teaches about important moral issues, like:

These articles offer helpful FAQs about the Church’s teaching. If you’d like to learn more about any of these teachings, or other parts of the Catholic faith, here are definitive sources for information about Catholic teaching:

Cohabitation

It’s no secret that many couples are cohabiting, that is, living together in a sexual relationship without marriage. Currently, 60% of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation, but fewer than half of cohabiting unions end in marriage.

Many couples believe-mistakenly-that cohabitation will lower their risk of divorce. This is an understandable misconception, since many people are the children of divorce, or have other family members or friends who have divorced. Other reasons for living together include convenience, financial savings, companionship and security, and a desire to move out of their parents’ house.

What social science says about cohabitation

  • On average, marriage preceded by cohabitation is 46% more likely to end in divorce.
  • The risk is greatest for “serial” cohabitors who have had multiple relationships.
  • Some studies indicate that those who live together with definite plans for marriage are at minimal risk; however, there are no positive effects from cohabiting.
  • Cohabitation puts children at risk. Forty percent of cohabiting households include children. After five years, one-half of these couples will have broken up, compared to 15% of married parents.

Cohabitation and Catholic Church teaching

Every act of sexual intercourse is intended by God to express love, commitment, and openness to life in the total gift of the spouses to each other. Sexual intercourse outside of marriage cannot express what God intended. Rather, it says something false–a total commitment that the couple does not yet have. This total commitment is possible only in marriage.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church points out that some couples claim a right to live together if they intend to marry later on. Although the couple may be sincere in their intention, the Catechism stresses that human love is not compatible with “trial marriages.” Rather, “it demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another.”

Cohabitation and marriage preparation

If you are a cohabiting couple who has chosen to marry, the Catholic Church welcomes your decision to marry. Because cohabitation can have an effect on the marriage, couples are encouraged to explore certain questions with the pastoral minister who is preparing them for marriage. These include:

  • Why did you choose to live together?
  • What did you learn from the experience of living together?
  • Why did you decide to marry?
  • Why do you wish to marry in the Catholic Church?
  • What does marriage as a sacrament mean to you?

Pastoral ministers may encourage cohabiting couples without children to separate for a period before marriage as a sign of their free, loving decision to follow the Church’s vision of marriage and sexuality. Couples are also encouraged to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

People have a right to marry; therefore, cohabiting couples cannot be denied marriage in the Catholic Church solely because they are cohabiting. However, cohabitation may raise questions, for example, about the couple’s freedom to marry, which need to be explored.

For more information:

Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples, an Information Report from the U.S. Catholic Bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family

Intimacy & Cohabitation

As a dating or engaged couple, you have probably discussed where to draw the line about sexual intimacy before marriage. The Catholic Church teaches that every act of sexual intercourse is intended by God to express love, commitment, and openness to life in the total gift of the spouses to each other. This total commitment is possible only in marriage.

As you move towards marriage, it’s important to make sure that sexual intimacy builds on other kinds of intimacy and does not short circuit your knowing each other on many levels.

What are those other levels? John Van Epp, Ph.D. explains in his book, How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk, that a healthy sexual relationship comes in stages of bonding:

  1. Knowledge of the other beyond the superficial
  2. Trust in the other to be a person of integrity
  3. Reliability of the other to be a person you can count on
  4. Commitment to the other that is not temporary
  5. Sexual Touch in which you give yourself fully to your beloved

Van Epp says the order is important. Couples should “never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous.” The risk of disappointment and going beyond your safety zone will not bring you lasting happiness.

Steps leading to sexual intimacy, however, are not the whole of what intimacy is about. Long-married couples know that intimacy includes so much more than just the physical. The emotional intimacy of being able to share your most private and cherished thoughts is a prerequisite for a fulfilling marriage. Knowing that you can be vulnerable and your spouse will not use sensitive information to hurt you is another form of intimacy. Realizing that your relationship does not depend on looks, talent, success, or perfection is a kind of intimacy that money cannot buy.

What about couples who live together before marriage? How does this impact a future marriage and ability to be intimate on more than just the sexual level? Given the high divorce rate, it would seem logical to live together before marriage in order to know your partner more fully.

As intuitive as this assumption sounds, current research does not bear it out. Studies show that:

  • Women in cohabiting relationships, and their children, are more likely to be abused.
  • Cohabiting couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being compared to married couples.

Why does living together before marriage to prevent divorce end up harming one’s marriage? The answer has to do with the dynamics of commitment. Cohabiting before marriage generally means that at least one partner is not ready to commit to a permanent relationship. One or both partners are holding something back. They might be censoring their words and actions to put their best foot forward, lest they lose the relationship. In other words, what you see may not be what you end up getting. Communication may not be completely honest. For example, the couple may avoid sensitive subjects that they fear will disturb the relationship. One partner may give in unduly out of fear that the other will leave.

Another pitfall of cohabiting is “low commitment/high autonomy” relationships. This means that since the couple’s commitment to each other is not yet complete, each retains a degree of independence in the relationship. The longer this pattern continues the harder it is to make the transition to the high commitment needed for marriage.

Does this mean that cohabiting couples are doomed to misery and divorce? No, but it does give the thoughtful person cause to pause and re-evaluate. Whitehead and Popenoe recommend the following:

  • Consider not living together at all before marriage. There is no evidence that cohabitors who eventually marry will have a stronger marriage than those who don’t live together. Instead, they may be at greater risk for divorce. Some studies indicate that those who live together with definite plans for marriage are at minimal risk; however, there are no positive effects from cohabiting.
  • Do not make a habit of cohabiting. Be aware of the dangers of multiple living together experiences. Contrary to popular wisdom, multiple cohabiting experiences do not teach one how to have better relationships.
  • Understand the danger of lengthy cohabitation. The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what a successful marriage requires.
  • Do not cohabit if children are involved. Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents. Moreover, children living in cohabiting unions with stepfathers or mothers’ boyfriends are at higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence.

Personality Audit

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. One important aspect of identity is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment. How do you handle conflict? In which social situations do you feel most comfortable? Which virtues come most easily to you, and which vices do you have to fight hardest against? How do you prefer to tackle big projects, household chores, and daily tasks?

Engagement is a great time to know yourself – and your future spouse – better! As you move toward marriage, consider taking this Personality Audit. Print two copies and ask your fiance(e) to take it, too.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

7 Reasons Not to Marry

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. Following is a list of danger signs. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

1. Marrying to get out of the house.

This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Other options exist to get away from a troubled home. A counselor can help you find them.

2. No one better will ask me to marry him/her.

This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true selves. Postponing or canceling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counseling can help, too.

3. It’s just time to get married.

Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person.

4. Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner.

Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don’t be fooled by your partner’s promise to stop.

5. You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include:

  • One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries.
  • Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind.
  • You can’t have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.
  • You become careless with important relationships.
  • You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs – not with you!

6. You and your partner have major items which you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship.

For example: children, money management, division of responsibility for home and children, whether to keep both careers, religious identity of children in an interfaith marriage.

You need to talk about all important issues openly before marriage. The wedding ceremony itself will not eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements. Consider enlisting the help of a priest, minister, or counselor if these issues seem too threatening to handle alone.

7. Marriage just seems like the next logical step.

This sometimes happens to couples who are living together. They slide into marriage not because they have fully explored the idea of a permanent commitment and freely choose that for themselves, but because getting married is the next thing to do. Or they slide into marriage to fix a relationship that is limping along, thinking that having their families’ or church’s stamp of approval will fix their relationship. If this describes your relationship, slow down and look more carefully at what marriage is. Are you ready, willing, and able to fulfill its responsibilities?

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown.

Second Marriages

The Catholic Church stands for lifelong marriage. Sometimes, however, couples are not able to achieve this ideal. Marriages break apart because of a spouse’s infidelity, addiction, or mental illness.

Sometimes, the couple thought they were mature enough to make a wise decision but were blinded by infatuation or youth. There are many reasons why marriages fail. They are personal and not easy to sort through.

The Church offers a process to help divorced men and women who entered into what they thought was a valid marriage at the time. After examining the evidence, the Church may find that some essential ingredient was missing from the very beginning. This process is called an annulment. When a man or woman receives an annulment, they are free to re-marry in the Catholic Church.

The issues facing couples entering a second marriage are more complex than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Preparation should be more comprehensive. Most dioceses offer specialized programs that include such topics as:

  • Lessons learned from a divorce
  • Ability not to let an idealized memory or loyalty to a deceased spouse block a new marriage
  • Assessment of “baggage” (bad habits, unresolved anger or guilt, self-defeating attitudes) from the previous marriage
  • Blending families, becoming instant step-parents
  • Mixing finances, pre-nuptial agreements to protect inheritances
  • Blending long-standing lifestyles

Contact your local Diocesan Family Life Office using the Find Catholic Marriage Support locator.

For Further Reading: