Tag Archives: Christmas

How To Make Christmas About Christmas

I wish I could say these were my ideas but I can’t. Although I don’t remember where I read them, I vividly recall how one brief article transformed the Christmas season in our home.

About 23 years ago, our oldest was six and we were expecting our fourth son. The holidays were approaching and I was thinking back to the previous four Christmases when Santa and Jesus got just about “equal billing” in our home. As young parents, we were establishing family traditions and Christmas definitely needed improvement.

Previously, as soon as Thanksgiving was over, I’d decorate our home and start drumming up excitement about the upcoming arrival of Santa. When the Christmas catalogs arrived with oodles of toys, I’d share them with the boys. It would keep them entertained for hours!

I wanted this year to be different and to bring the celebration of Jesus’s birth and the joy of giving to the forefront of our Christmas season. So, I did what I always do when I need help. I prayed and read.

That’s when I found the article. It was a gift with perfect timing and it said this: “As soon as the Christmas catalogs are delivered to your house put them away so they are not accessible to the kids. (Goodbye free babysitter!) Don’t focus on Santa and the fact that he is going to bring presents. Santa will be relentlessly drilled into your kids. They’ll see and hear about him everywhere. Consider it all good and part of the season. Don’t criticize it. Just don’t feed it.”

That was it! I realized the kids were taking my lead and I was determined to change course. One day a few weeks before Christmas, I told the boys to write Santa their letter. They wrote it, mailed it and that was it. (In the past, we actually sent Santa revised editions!)

When the subject of Santa came up, we talked about him, but without me fueling the “Santa Fervor” the boys did not focus on what they were going to “get” for Christmas.

The article suggested we play Christmas music in our home and go caroling with the neighborhood kids. We did and our neighbors loved it. It suggested we invite our pastor over for dinner. We did and the kids wound up playing charades with him.

The most unique advice was to emphasize Joseph’s devotion to Mary and Jesus. This was especially lovely as it was likely we were raising four future husbands and fathers.

The article said to encourage generosity by giving the kids a dollar to place into the Salvation Army kettle. And when you bake, have the kids run a plate over to a neighbor. It said to help the kids identify and bring in a gift for a person, other than a teacher, who worked at their school.

The last recommendation was to “adopt a family” at school or church and go shopping with the kids as they picked out specific gifts. (This idea continued all through high school. I loved watching our teenagers meticulously pick out gifts for people they would never meet.)

We tried every idea and the effect was immediate and quietly humbling. I’ve blundered through many areas of parenting while raising our four sons but since reading that article 23 years ago, Christmas has mostly been about Christmas.

Saint Joseph: My New Patron Saint

Advent is often spoken as a time of preparation. This means not just preparation for parties, celebrations and family gatherings, but preparing for the Incarnation, the birth of the Christ child, Jesus. His birth ushered in a new era of salvation and solidified our redemption. Sacred Scripture mentions many characters as the scene is set for the birth of Christ: Mary, Herod the Great, and the three Kings, to name a few. Often overlooked is Joseph of Nazareth. Saint Joseph plays an integral role in this story, and sometimes it goes unnoticed or under-appreciated.

As I prepared to get married, my mother gave me an image of Saint Joseph and she reminded me that he would be my new patron saint. So, I took some time and began praying about Saint Joseph and his relationship to Mary and Jesus, and I began to look at Saint Joseph in a new light. Even more so, when my wife and I found out that we were expecting our first child, I felt a close bond to this saint. As I grew closer to Joseph through prayer, a few of his qualities stood out to me, qualities that are useful in our own lives no matter what our situation is.

Saint Joseph teaches us three key things: Silence, Action, and Calmness.

First, silence: Look around us today. Where do we find silence? Our lives are consumed by the clutter and the noise of the day. Stepping outside, we can get lost in the shuffle of city life, but it does not stop there. Distractions can be found in our headphones or smartphones, on our televisions or computers. Our world today is vastly different than it was for those who came before us. In the Gospels Joseph doesn’t say, well, anything. He is silent. And that silence is a wonderful gift, because it gives him the ability to listen. I don’t just mean simply hearing, I mean understanding God’s call and responding to it. Saint John Paul II, reflecting on Joseph, said, “He is great in faith, not because he speaks his own words, but above all because he listened to the words of the Living God.”

Do we make time for silence in our lives? Do we make an effort to listen, I mean really listen to God’s voice or the voices of those around us – our family and friends? When we do take this opportunity, we may be amazed at what God is challenging us to do and calling us to in our lives. A priest friend of mine, a former vocation director for our diocese, said, “Young people today have a problem discerning their vocation – whatever it maybe – because they do not allow themselves to be in silence, to listen to what God is calling them to do.” Sadly, he is quite correct.

Listening certainly isn’t an easy task. Then again, most things that are worth doing aren’t easily accomplished. This Advent, can we try and make more time for God through silence, and in that silence, listen to what he is calling us to do?

Second, action: Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI penned one of my favorite quotes: “The world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort, you were made for greatness.” This rings as true today as it did 2,000 years ago. St. Joseph was not a man who sat idly by when God’s call came. He was a man of action, whether it meant marrying Mary in spite of what society might have said about their seemingly unorthodox marriage, taking his pregnant wife to the town of David late in her pregnancy for a census, or fleeing with his wife and newborn son to Egypt. He could have turned away from this situation all together (as was his initial plan – to quietly divorce Mary after finding out about her pregnancy), but he didn’t; when God challenged him, Joseph stepped up to the plate. He did the will of God. When we are faced with an obstacle, do we shy away? Beat around the bush? Or do we take it head on, and as a result grow as individuals or as a married couple?

We too are made to be men and women of action, to act on behalf of the Lord, and to use our God-given gifts and talents to glorify the Lord. What are some of your gifts and talents? How can you use them to better our Church?

Third, calmness: Read the Christmas story in the Scriptures. It does not say Joseph lost control or freaked out. It talks about a willing servant, a servant for God the Father, Mary Our Blessed Mother and Jesus, the Christ child. Sometime we forget that Joseph and Mary were real people and we take their saintly nature for granted. Think back to the stories we know of Joseph. I do not know about you, but I cannot imagine calmly bringing my wife, nine months pregnant, by donkey, to a strange town, and then have her give birth in a manger. I likely would have been less than charitable to those innkeepers who said they had “no room” and probably would have been thinking about my own pride, not wanting to stay in a stable. Scripture tell us that Joseph did all of this and without a peep. Likewise, as he heard in a dream that his son’s life was in danger, he quietly shuffled his new family off to Egypt, a strange land, with a different language and culture, and again, without a sound. He just calmly did God’s will. How would we have acted in these circumstances?

This calm and collected servant was influential not only to the Holy Family, but also speaks to us today. How are we serving people in our Church community? Are we avoiding the “inconvenient” reality that God has given us the opportunity to be servant to others? Remember, even Jesus wasn’t above serving others (John 13:5-10).

I am sure Joseph as a young boy dreamed of being successful, getting married, being a father. I do not think the life he dreamed of was the one he received. I am sure that he had what some would perceive as “missed opportunities” in life. There was so much he had to give up, and he did it freely and joyfully. He put aside his wants to allow the great Glory of God to take place. Joseph is a reminder that even the small things we do, things that may seem insignificant to many, or are even unnoticed by everyone but God, can work for the salvation of the world through Jesus Christ. Joseph did small things that influenced the person of Jesus, and we in turn must take these lessons and teach them to others.

Saint Joseph was a man for others, something as a husband and a soon-to-be father I aspire to. Despite the little said about St. Joseph in the Gospels, we can find immense richness in his witness to the faith. Why is this? Because Joseph realized that he was not the one who was important; others were. He is a man for others. He loved Mary and Jesus above himself and his actions reflect that love. Joseph is a model for all Christians, choosing to walk in the Way of the Cross. He emptied himself of himself, in order to be filled with the love of the Father.

Joseph invites us to turn the ordinary into extraordinary. He is proof that God looks for everyday people to do his work. We need to follow his example humbly, courageously, and faithfully to fulfill our call as Christians.

Consider these lessons we learn from Saint Joseph as we enter into this Advent season. Let us not use this time idly, just waiting for celebrations, but let us prayerfully come to the Lord as Joseph and Mary did. Let us pray to Saint Joseph that he will inspire us to grow into the kind of follower of the Lord that he was.

About the author
Paul Morisi is the Coordinator for Adolescent and Young Adult Faith Formation for the Diocese of Brooklyn. He and his wife Alison are expecting their first child in May 2017. See also: “A Vatican Valentine’s Experience” by Paul Morisi and Alison Laird, and “Pope Francis Meets Newlyweds From the Diocese of Brooklyn” by Paul Morisi.

Tinsel or Garland?

Tinsel or garland? Real or fake?

In our first year of marriage, that was our first major argument as a couple. We were looking forward to our first Christmas together, and each of us had our family traditions in mind when we imagined what that might look like. Paul had grown up with tinsel-covered artificial trees, put up over Thanksgiving weekend. Sarah’s family had real trees, wrapped in garland that they bought only a few days before Christmas.

So when the holiday season arrived in our house for the first time, we had to figure out what we would do. After some heated discussions and some false accusations (such as: “You don’t care about my family, do you?”), we finally came to a decision: garland on a fake tree, put up the first or second week of December.

Some might call this a merger, but in reality, it was something better. Merging traditions would mean we had a hodgepodge of this and that from each of our family rituals. And while we did some of that initially, it never truly satisfied.

What we discovered that first Christmas is that we needed to create our own traditions, some borrowed from our respective families, but most of it from ourselves.

Creating new traditions, unique to us as a couple, has been one of the most enjoyable aspects of each passing holiday season (and yes, we mean “holiday” because it encompasses new traditions at Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s).

In the past few years, we have created all kinds of new traditions at Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we often get a hotel room in downtown Chicago or one of the other suburbs (because hotels are really affordable on that particular day of the year), have a nice dinner, and head out to a Midnight Mass near the hotel. Another tradition we have is pulling out and watching our favorite Christmas movies by the fireplace, or finding a movie theatre that’s showing a classic like “White Christmas” or “It’s a Wonderful Life.” These and other moments are unique to the two of us, unlike anything Sarah’s or Paul’s families did when we were growing up.

The oddest thing that has come with creating our new traditions is the disorienting feeling we have had if and when we head “home” at Christmas. One year, we went to Philadelphia to visit Sarah’s family, and while it was wonderful to reconnect with everyone, it didn’t feel like “home” anymore. Instead, that warm, special feeling came when our plane touched down at O’Hare Airport. We had come “home” to the place where our new traditions were forged and nurtured.

It might be bittersweet to leave our old traditions, but it is even more exciting to create new ones (like garland on a fake tree) that are unique, special, and fitting just for us.

Questions for Discussion:

  • What will you do as a couple this holiday season that will focus on religious side of your partnership?
  • Why are traditions an important part of our lives?
  • What family traditions have you appreciated most?
  • Which traditions are you not willing to let go?
  • How can these be incorporated into your spouse’s desires?

About the authors
Sarah and Paul Jarzembowski were married at Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago in 2002. Sarah, who was born and raised in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, currently works as the national partner program coordinator for Charis Ministries, a Jesuit outreach and retreat ministry for young adults in their 20s and 30s. Paul, who originally hails from the Diocese of Gary in Indiana, serves on staff at the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops as an assistant director for the Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth. They currently live in the Maryland suburbs of Washington, D.C.

This article was originally published on the website of the Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago: www.familyministries.org. Reposted with permission.

What Holiday Stress Means for Couples

With the arrival of Christmastime, great expectations reawaken in homes everywhere; gradually, an atmosphere of anticipation takes over.

Parents lay plans to make the season a uniquely happy one for their children – a tall order! Grandparents start longing to spend time with their family’s newest generation during the holidays, even if that will be accomplished only via Skype. And the doors of many households are opened as wide as possible to welcome friends and neighbors, a sign that this time of year is different.

Oh, and one other thing: Wives and husbands hope Christmastime will be special for them too, as a couple. But will it be?

Often enough, overloaded as it is with everyone else’s high expectations and the competing demands of family, friends and workplace associates, Christmastime is stressful for couples. Some wives and husbands feel that at best, they can muddle along until January.

Causes of Stress
But sometimes – many times — patience with each other runs thin for a wife and husband during the holidays. For a variety of reasons, stress gains the upper hand between them.

  • One spouse may be convinced that Christmas is unaffordable. He or she feels stressed out by the cost of Christmas gifts and entertainment.
  • Another spouse may experience the stress of workplace demands that do not always subside to make room for a family’s overcrowded schedule of holiday festivities at school and church, with family and friends, or for shopping.
  • Some couples are stressed out by the mere logistics of Christmas and the challenge of finding ways to celebrate with two sets of grandparents and two extended families.
  • Couples who make faith a priority cringe when the season’s real purpose gets left in the shadows, eclipsed by so much else that is happening.
  • There are, in addition, certain realities of life that do not manage to make themselves scarce just because Christmastime is here. Children get sick and require care; an overdue notice of an unpaid bill can still arrive in the mail; the furnace can stop working; the weather can get real bad.

Stress grows for couples when they feel pushed and pulled in two or three seemingly impossible directions at once. Stress grows as spouses become more and more fatigued from trying to meet others’ needs and expectations, and from the usually unfounded fear of somehow letting their family down at Christmas.

It is an unfortunate reality of life that the stress they feel often turns a wife and husband away from each other. At a time when they need each other, they may instead criticize each other, which experts agree will be unhelpful.

When you are under stress, “it can sometimes be tempting to take out your frustration verbally on those who are closest to you,” said ACCORD, the Irish Catholic bishops’ marriage care service. In a December 2009 message, ACCORD cautioned spouses that this could mean their frustration gets taken out on “the very person who can be [their] greatest ally and source of support.”

A similar point is made by the 2010 edition of “Fighting for Your Marriage,” the widely read and consulted book by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg. They note that when stress prevails, there is a tendency for spouses to “become more negative with each other.” These authors say to couples:

“When stressed-out, most people give others less benefit of the doubt and are quicker to react to frustrations with their partners. … Just when you need to be more supportive of each other, stress can lead you to turn against each other.”

How to Handle Stress
Advice for couples about dealing with stress was offered by John Gottman in his famed book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Gottman is a U.S. researcher who has greatly influenced the direction of contemporary marriage studies.

Gottman advised spouses not to offer advice too quickly when one of them is suffering from stress. “The cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution,” he said.

And Gottman proposed that when one spouse feels stressed out, the other should take that spouse’s side. “This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable,” Gottman wrote. He added that expressions of affection also are needed during these times.

The way I see it, couples under stress are at risk of meeting everyone’s needs but their own at Christmastime. I am sure some couples only hope that after the holidays, they will find a bit more time for each other.

It is no secret that many stressed-out couples worry about Christmas. They feel overwhelmed and inadequate in the face of the season’s great expectations, wondering how its promise of happiness will play out in their home.

My wife and I are the parents of three and the grandparents of seven. I mention that only by way of saying that I know what holiday stress is all about. At the last moment, it is so easy to conclude that if only one or two more things were purchased or planned, Christmas would be a more perfect time for all.

At our house, we’ve stumbled along toward Christmas over and over again, wondering if we actually would survive until the big day or if anything about it would be memorable.

Christmas can be a happy time, for sure. But a perfect Christmas, I’ve concluded, is elusive – and probably impossible. And I think it has helped to learn that.

I can attest, though, that the memories of Christmases past are marvelous, which, I suppose, is why we’ll stumble along toward the great day again next year.