Tag Archives: Children

Do Children Really Make a Marriage Less Happy?

In Church teaching, children are called the “Crown” of marriage, but those same documents also call children the “Cross” of marriage. Experienced parents can testify that children brought happiness and satisfaction to their lives, but they know it is not easy to raise a family. Research confirms that marital happiness suffers when children arrive. Think about those early years, and you would know what they theologians and scientists are talking about.

New studies indicate that the “happiness gap” is relatively small. Bryan Caplan, professor of economics at George Mason University, believes that the pros outweigh the cons. He cites the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey, which says that, while every additional child makes parents just 1.3 percentage points less likely to be “very happy,” the estimated happiness boost of marriage is about 18 percentage points.

“A closer look at the General Social Survey also reveals that child No. 1 does almost all the damage. Otherwise identical people with one child instead of none are 5.6 percentage points less likely to be very happy. Beyond that, additional children are almost a happiness free lunch. Each child after the first reduces your probability of being very happy by a mere 0.6 percentage points,” Caplain says. He cites decades’ worth of twin and adoption research to point out that children are shaped by more factors than how attentive their parents are.

Since he is an economist, Caplan expresses himself in how much capital parents expend in childrearing: “If you think that your kids’ future rests in your hands, you’ll probably make many painful ‘investments’ –and feel guilty that you didn’t do more. Once you realize that your kids’ future largely rests in their own hands, you can give yourself a guilt-free break.” Caplain will publish a book in 2011, Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids.

In the parenting years, spouses will find that patience and time together are rare commodities. Although the additional demands of parenting can draw a couple closer together in their joint project, this seldom happens automatically. In their book Marrying Well, Catholic marriage experts James and Evelyn Whitehead suggest ways to moderate the strain of parenting: “We can talk things out more often, we can reexamine the way we use our time and money and energy, we can try to be clearer about our real priorities as a family, we can change some of the patterns that do not work very well.”

Parenting is hard work, but spouses are not destined to decline into unsatisfying relationships when children are in the picture. They can choose how they will respond to the challenge. In the process, each person can gain maturity and each can grow in appreciation of the other’s developing abilities. As James and Evelyn Whitehead, say “Being parents together can call out in each of us qualities of generosity and inventiveness that make us even more loveable to one another. I learn there is a playfulness in you that I have not seen so well before; you come to cherish the breadth of my care. Our commitment to each other is strengthened as our lives are woven together in patterns of concern and joy and responsibility for our children.”

Take heart! In time, your “crown” will rest easier on your brow. It helps to recognize that parenting years are one season in the life of a marriage. Children eventually grow up and leave home. Studies also show that the “empty nest” is associated with significant improvement in marital happiness for all parents. God is merciful!

Reprinted with permission. ACT Newsletter, Christian Family Movement-USA, 2010.

Children & Parenting

On their wedding day, the bride and groom are asked: “Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” Dreaming together about the children you hope to have is one of the most exciting parts of getting married. However, unless you’re entering a step-parent family or already have children, the nuts and bolts of daily parenting are probably not high on your radar screen. Here’s a suggested list of items that couples should discuss before they get married regarding children and parenting. See if you’ve covered most of them.

Childbearing

  • Do we both want to have children? [Note: Because the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is ordered toward the union of spouses and the procreation and education of children, if one or both spouses intend never to have children (as opposed to postponing pregnancy for a just reason), the marriage could be considered invalid.]
  • Do we hope to have children right away? What are the financial, educational, or medical factors that could affect this decision?
  • If we are hoping to postpone pregnancy, do we both accept the Catholic Church’s teaching that contraception is immoral? If not, are we willing to learn more about what the Church teaches and why?
  • Are we familiar with Natural Family Planning? Are we open to using NFP either to postpone pregnancy or to try to conceive? Have we taken an NFP class together? (See also, “When Can We Use NFP?”)
  • How many children do we hope to have? What are the financial, educational, or medical factors that could affect this decision? For example, how do we envision educating our children (homeschool, Catholic or private school, or public school)? Do we hope to pay for our children’s college education? Do these issues affect what we think about the number of children in our family?
  • Do we feel pressure from our parents or in-laws either to have children right away or to postpone pregnancy? How will we deal with that?
  • If we have difficulty conceiving, how would we deal with potential infertility? What if our physician confirmed that we were infertile? How would we feel? What would we do? Are we aware of what the Church teaches in regards to infertility treatments and reproductive technology?
  • Would we ever consider becoming foster parents or adopting?
  • How would we deal with an unexpected pregnancy? What would we do if our physician told us that our unborn baby was sick or would be handicapped?

Parenting

  • What did you like most about the way you were raised?
  • What would you like to change in the way you raise your own children?
  • If one of us is not Catholic, have we discussed in which faith we hope to raise our children? [Note: The Catholic Church teaches that in a marriage between a Catholic and non-Catholic, the Catholic party must promise to do all in his/her power to raise their children in the Catholic faith. The non-Catholic party must be aware of this promise but is not asked to make the same promise his/herself. See the article on Interfaith Marriages for more information.]
  • How do we plan to pass on the faith to our children?
  • How do I expect parenting to change our marriage?
  • Do we want one parent to stay at home once we have a child? How will having a child affect both our careers and/or educational goals?
  • What role do we anticipate our extended families playing in raising our children?
  • What is the hardest thing I expect to deal with in raising a child?
  • What do I anticipate the most about becoming a father or mother? What causes me anxiety about future parenthood?

Career Conflicts

The Situation

Julie and Jason thought they had it all worked out. When they were dating they had talked about how important it was to both of them to pursue their careers after marriage. Julie is a lawyer and Jason works in the IT industry. They even reconfirmed their intentions during their marriage preparation program. They knew they wanted to have children but they thought they could do it all. After all, Julie had gone to day care while her mother worked and Jason figured that with their combined incomes they could afford high quality day care when the time came.

Well, the time has come. Julie recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and they are both enthralled with their new role as parents. The problem? Julie has really bonded with little Jemima and she’s rethinking their decision. She finds it hard to imagine leaving Jemima when her three- month maternity leave is up.

Jason also has bonded with Jemima and certainly wants the best for his wife and new baby, but he’s practical. Their mortgage is based on both of them working full time and besides, with so many people being laid off, he’s not sure his own job is secure. On the other hand, quality day care is expensive. They wonder if they can afford it even with two salaries. How would you advise Julie and Jason?

A Response

It would be tempting to say that Jason and Julie should have anticipated this possibility and not bought a house dependent on two incomes. Perhaps they should have tried to live on one income and used the other salary for one time or discretionary purchases. This would have given them the freedom for one of them to quit work should a change of heart arise. Tempting, but they can’t undo the past. It also would be nice if their baby wasn’t born in the midst of a recession, but they, like most of us, have little control over such matters and certainly couldn’t have predicted it.

A more helpful and realistic approach would be to weigh carefully the various competing values. As in many moral dilemmas there may be several goods or problems that contend for priority.

Certainly Julie and Jason want to use the skills they’ve spent a long time honing. Not only are most careers personally fulfilling, many contribute to serving humanity. To work is an honorable and necessary part of life. As Scripture says, “The laborer deserves his wages” (Lk 10:7).

On the other hand, parenting is a career in itself. It takes intense devotion and time to raise a child. Not every parent feels parental instincts to the same degree, but strong instincts are not easily ignored, nor should they be. Then there is the value of wanting to be responsible parents. Caring for a child requires presence AND money. So we have the values of self-fulfillment, sacrificing time and money to care for a child, and making money to pay for a child’s needs.

When goods such as these conflict, consider the following steps when making a decision of conscience.

1. Gather the facts. How much money do Julie and Jason really need to make ends meet? If one of them puts his or her job on hold for a period of time, they will lose income but they may also save on work-related expenses. Plus, they wouldn’t have to pay for day care. Do the math. What would the bottom line budget look like?

2. Assess the emotional facts. Both Jason and Julie need to be honest with each other about their feelings. How guilty would Julie feel if she left Jemima to go back to her career right now? How fearful is Jason about losing income? Do either of them feel guilty or betrayed by Julie’s change of view? How regretful might Julie feel later if she postponed her career and found it hard to resume? Knowing the strength of these feelings doesn’t solve the problem but it helps them understand the motivations behind their differing positions.

3. Assess the alternatives. Is there any middle ground? Is a part time job a possibility? Would downsizing their lifestyle make it possible to make ends meet financially? Would it be possible for Jason to put his career on hold? Is the issue mostly Julie’s maternal instinct of wanting to be with Jemima or is it her larger concern of having someone else raise their child?

4. Consult others with experience. Sometimes choices feel so complex that it’s hard to evaluate. Here’s where other experienced parents can be helpful. Don’t just talk to the stay-at-home moms, however, or converse only with those who have decided on dual careers. Talk with both, especially those who hold different views from your own. They help check our rationalizations.

5. Bring it to the Lord. When decisions are confusing, bringing them to prayer can help us see more clearly. It’s not that we expect to hear a voice or get an e-mail from God. Prayer isn’t magic, but it can be powerful. Placing our worries, confusion, and hopes before God can bring clarity and peace. Prayer is a place of complete honesty since God knows our heart. There’s no reason to pretend or hide our motivations. Praying as a couple over this decision can help Julie and Jason to see the options clearly and generously. It can also bond them more closely as a couple.

Life decisions such as these are not easy but prayerful decision-making is a skill that transcends any one decision. Jason and Julie should find it helpful in the many future dilemmas they are sure to face as Jemima grows in wisdom and grace, and continues to perplex her parents.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

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To Work or Not to Work

“But a family just can’t make it on one income anymore!” This is a complaint that I hear more and more from both engaged couples and families with young children as they consider whether both parents will continue to work outside the home after the birth of their child.

This issue is not one to be tackled by the fainthearted. Certainly, there are strong emotions connected with both positions on whether both parents of young children should work outside the home. Before I share my personal viewpoint let me clarify a few points.

Some families genuinely do not have a choice. Certainly, most single-parent families and any family below the poverty level truly cannot make ends meet on just one income even with a modest lifestyle.

Please note that I always qualify “work outside the home.” I am well aware of the strenuous, draining, and demanding work that a parent of young children does at home. Not only is this truly WORK, it generally is very low gratitude and low self-esteem work. On the other hand, some parents’ employment is based in their homes. For the purpose of this article, this counts as work “outside the home.”

Although older children (ages 6 and up) still require a degree of physical care and certainly emotional care and presence, I focus here on the decision to work when there are younger children (under six). This is the time when psychologists tell us that the personality and values are especially formed. Besides, after the age of six a major portion of the child’s day is usually spent outside the home, in school.

By work, I mean full-time employment. Even part-time employment can be a strain on a parent with home responsibilities, but at least there is some flexibility.

The advantages of both parents working outside the home are clear: increased income, standard of living, and general self-worth. The primary disadvantage is lack of time which includes not only time to do shopping, laundry, and cleaning, but more importantly, time to be with children and spouse – Relationship Time.

The advantages to having one parent at home are obvious too – more relationship time. The cost? Less income.

What distresses me most is how quickly most new parents assume they don’t really have a choice because “You can’t really make it on one income anymore.” Given the above disclaimers, I’d like to challenge that myth.

It costs to work outside the home. Not only are there the costs of child care, clothes, lunches, transportation, and higher taxes, but also the hidden costs of not having time to shop for bargains, cook inexpensively, and make items one would otherwise buy.

Does it really cost more to support a family today or have we raised our expectations of how high our lifestyle should be? Yes and No. Indeed, our tax structure is regressive and inflation has decreased the value of real wages, but sometimes families are not working for the basics of food, clothing, shelter, and health care. Instead, it’s the extras of fashionable clothing, owning a larger home, and electronic “toys.” Some young families assume their lifestyle should match what it took their parents 20 years to reach.

For example, in 1967 the average car cost 21 weeks wages of a median family. Today the average car costs 27 weeks’ wages. The catch is that today’s average car has a lot more features like air conditioning, a sound system, electric windows, instant locks, etc. Actually, a current equivalent car would only cost 17 weeks’ wages. Of course, car makers don’t make what we would consider a stripped-down model today because what used to be considered luxuries are now considered necessary. (OK, I’ll admit airbags are a valuable safety improvement.) But perhaps we aren’t willing to tame our hunger for more stuff, for the sake of family relationships. The same pattern is true for families buying their first home.

By now you probably catch my drift that although there are circumstances that warrant both parents of young children working outside the home, too often it’s a self-deluding trap. It takes sacrifice, creativity, and independent thinking to have a parent at home but it’s not as impossible as the conventional wisdom leads us to believe. At least it’s no more impossible than the heroic effort needed to sustain the hectic pace of a dual-income family trying to do it all.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.