Tag Archives: Challenges

Hard Decisions and Life-Giving Missions

My wife, Anna, and I are not the typical NFP couple. Our current life is not the typical family life either. We have had the unexpected challenge of sickness change our family life and our mission as a married couple.

Anna and I are both Secular Franciscans. We are called as a couple to “to observe the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ by following the example of Saint Francis of Assisi” by simplifying our material needs, being a leaven in our society, and seeing Franciscan universal kinship with all of creation. Our family includes our three children Penelope, Seth and Rose and my ninety-three-year-old father-in-law. Rose, our youngest, has a rare genetic condition known as Velo-Cardio-Facial Syndrome (VCFS). My father-in-law has Alzheimer’s disease.

Rose’s VCFS can cause over two-hundred heath complications. From heart defects to schizophrenia, the complications are an ever present source of concern for Anna and myself. Usually a child does not have all two-hundred illnesses, but typically a cluster of a dozen or so health problems will result. For Rose,the first two years of her life found our family living at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. In that time, Rose received two open heart surgeries among the many conditions treated. Today we have more than your average number of doctor visits since we have to stay vigilant with regard to Rose’s health.

With the addition of my father-in-law to the family, the challenge of Alzheimer’s disease has had a great impact on our daily lives. Just as Francis’ great conversion occurred when he saw Christ in the leper, so our family is seeing the poor and crucified Christ in my father-in-law as he declines.

When ill health strikes family members, it adds a dimension of life challenges that spouses never anticipate! In fact, Anna and I believed that our mission as a married couple has expanded because of the needs of Rose and Grandpa. This understanding has impacted how we live the NFP lifestyle.

We have tried many NFP methods. After Rose’s birth, and due to the health care challenges that we now face, Anna and I discerned that God has given us a new mission—the caring for the special needs of Rose and Grandpa. Anna and I have discerned that we cannot have more children. This led us to search for an NFP method that could provide the most information about our combined fertility. We found that the Marquette Model satisfied this need.

The Marquette Method has been an answer to our prayers. After an email conversation with Dr. Fehring (director of the NFP Institute at Marquette University), we adopted a conservative version of the Marquette Method. The method helps us identify the post-ovulatory time in the woman’s cycle that is consistently infertile. For us, it is only about ten days which isn’t much in a busy family!

As Secular Franciscans our rule calls us to acquire purity of heart and for those who are married to live out the grace of matrimony bearing witness to the “love of Christ for his Church.” I am convinced that no NFP method will work correctly in a marriage unless purity of heart has a central place in the couple’s discernment process. For us,we needed an NFP method which would allow us to carry out our mission of caring for our daughter and father-in-law and still allow us to live the grace of matrimony in its fullest sense.It was a hard decision, but one made with trust and generosity!

Andrew Martin and his family live in the Archdiocese of Washington.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss

The Church calls children “the supreme gift of marriage” (Gaudium et spes, n. 50). Losing a baby, whether through miscarriage or as an infant, is one of the deepest forms of grief and pain that a couple may endure.

Unfortunately, many couples often suffer without any support, as in the case when a couple loses a child before sharing that they were pregnant with others, or insufficient support because family and friends are unsure of what to say or do because of the difficulty and often suddenness of losing one so young.

If you or a loved one has suffered the loss of a child during pregnancy or infancy, know that help and resources are available.

For Your Marriage Resources

Catholic Ministries Supporting Grieving Parents and Families

  • Behold Your Child Developed by the Archdiocese of Dubuque to help provide hope and healing for parents and families who have experienced a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death
  • Catholic Miscarriage Support Practical and spiritual support for Catholics who have lost a child to miscarriage
  • Elizabeth Ministry International Offers hope, help, and healing on issues related to relationships, sexuality, and childbearing
  • Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents Offers spiritual support to parents who have lost a child at any age, by any cause, no matter how long ago
  • Heaven’s Gain Ministries For the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of families experiencing pregnancy loss: before, during, and after the delivery of their precious baby
  • Morning Light Ministry Guides bereaved parents from the darkness of grief toward His Morning Light
  • Red Bird Ministries Guides individuals and couples through the complexity and trauma that happens with the loss of a child from pregnancy through adulthood

Healing within Marriage from an Abortion

When Susan’s* husband, Juan, told her about the abortion he was involved in when he was in college, she finally understood why he was so depressed and had trouble bonding with their children. However, she wanted him to just get over it, without seeking help from a post-abortion healing ministry. It bothered her to think of him dealing with this in relation to another woman and child.

During Steve’s premarital preparation with his (now) wife, the topic of her past abortion never arose. Now married and participating in a post-abortion healing ministry, Steve notes, “It is one of the questions you never think to ask during premarital preparation.”

With an estimate of over 56 million abortions in our country since the infamous Roe vs.Wade decision of 1973, there’s little doubt that countless marriages are suffering from one or both spouses’ involvement in an abortion.

Although many of the same struggles may arise when only one spouse was involved in a previous abortion, couples who aborted their own child before marriage may experience their own unique difficulties, as Tina shares:

…I didn’t think it bothered me until after we were married for a year and our son was born. I was so resentful that my husband hadn’t protected me and our baby when I became pregnant before we were married. …I began to resent and hate him. It was like a great divide between us. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let go of the anger and resentment, because if I did, it would be like saying the abortion was ok, and it wasn’t. (Our baby died,) I was hurt, and he could just go on like nothing happened.

For cases in which one spouse is unaware of the other’s past abortion experience, some feel it is crucial for him or her to be told, while others believe it is in the past and it’s not necessary to address it. But if “the two shall become one” (Mt 19:5), can the marital union be brought to its fullest potential with the secret of an abortion lingering in the past?

Steve doesn’t think so: “…looking back over our 29 years of marriage, it is probably the one thing from [either] of our pasts that has affected our marriage more than any other.”

It is no secret that the devastation of abortion brings with it many challenges. Many times the people who have participated in an abortion are not even aware of the countless ways it is affecting their lives. Often, it is not until they recognize some of the effect it is having and become involved in a healing ministry that they begin to more clearly identify their personal abortion connectors (people, places or things that trigger memories of their abortion experience).

It is not uncommon for those suffering from past abortions to overreact to present situations because of the trauma they experienced. For example, what would otherwise be a normal disagreement between spouses can seem like a very real act of abandonment to someone who was coerced into having an abortion. An abortion may also lead to infertility or difficulty conceiving later in life, which bring their own emotional strains for a couple.

Fear of intimacy is another struggle that may arise. Some women and men have kept past abortion experiences a secret and live in the fear of being exposed. They never really open themselves completely to intimacy for fear of being rejected if their spouse ever discovered their secret. Others may not be willing to practice their faith because of the guilt and shame they feel, which deprives them of spiritual consolation and drives a wedge between them and their spouse.

It is scary for a person to tell his fiancée or her fiancé or spouse about a past abortion. It requires great trust in that person’s love for them and trust in God. Unfortunately, sometimes that knowledge can threaten the relationship, but it can also be a means for the couple to grow closer together.

Through the help of a post-abortion healing ministry, couples can successfully work through abortion-related challenges, and God’s grace can bring true healing in their relationships. Matt shared his own story of this experience:

I had a hard time learning about the abortion and was not sure if I in fact was still going to be able to marry my fiancée. Attending the retreat helped me to recognize that she was the same person I had loved the day before I learned, and that if God had forgiven her, I needed to forgive her as well. Through counseling and direction we have been able to work through the many feelings and fears I had, and I feel confident we are now able to work on any issues that come up together, and move past them through the grace of God. I feel I am now able to love her the way God intended.

Significant growth can also result from working through the pain together as a couple. For example, the spouse that was not involved in their husband’s or wife’s past abortion may choose to “spiritually adopt” their spouse’s aborted child. This spiritual adoption can be a beautiful way to unite the couple as the family God intends them to be, as Steve recognized:

I made the decision that this was part of what was brought to our marriage ‘in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health…to love and honor…all the days of my life.’ I take that vow seriously. We had to make this journey together. … I now look upon it that I have two sons, the one [whom] she conceived before we met, and the one we conceived together. Would it be any different if the child had lived and … [were] here present in our lives? No!! The only real difference is that we have a child who is with God and who is working and praying for us.

Abortion affects countless marriages more than many people recognize. But there is no doubt that God will bring great healing to those who trust in his infinite mercy. If a past abortion can be acknowledged and addressed, a married couple can make great strides in experiencing even more fully God’s design that “the two shall become one” (Mt 19:5).

*The stories of Susan, Juan, Steve, Tina and Matt (their names are changed for their privacy) are just a few examples of the many marriages touched by abortion. To find out what pastoral resources for marriage may be available in your local area, contact your diocesan family life office. To find resources for post-abortion healing, visit HopeAfterAbortion.org.

About the document
Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

Reprinted from Respect Life Program, Copyright © 2014, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C. All rights reserved. Additional resources and ordering information is available at www.usccb.org/respectlife.