Tag Archives: Addictions

“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing From Pornography Use And Addiction

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

“Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” (Psalm 51:2, RSVCE)

Striving for a Clean Heart
We are made for love. Each of us is created in the image of God, who is love (1 Jn 4:8), and we are given the vocation of love and communion. Jesus Christ, through his life, Death, and Resurrection, revealed the fullest meaning of love as a sacrificial gift of self. He offered up his body for his bride, the Church (Eph 5:25-26). We are each called to imitate this Christ-like love, including in the exercise of our sexuality as men and women.

But we all struggle to love well and chastely. Living our vocation to love brings the daily challenge of recognizing the beauty of each person we encounter. Today more than ever, maintaining a “clean heart” is difficult for everyone. We are bombarded with sexualized images all the time, and pornography is only a click away. Many good men and women struggle with pornography use. Often they are longing to be loved, to experience joy, or to find relief from the difficulties of life. But what is presented as liberating, euphoric, and fulfilling ends up creating frustration, emptiness, and shame. Pornography, and the masturbation that usually accompanies it, can become addictive behaviors (see sidebar). Using pornography impacts the whole person, body and soul, and thus healing is needed for the mind, the emotions, one’s relationships, and the spiritual dimensions of the person.

It is important to remember that no matter what you have done, you retain your dignity as a son or daughter of God, loved by the Father. What sin has disintegrated, grace can reunite and make whole. Thanks be to God for his great gifts of mercy and healing!

Pornography and Women
Pornography has been traditionally viewed as a man’s issue, but there are a growing number of women who use pornography or are addicted to it. Though it is not the same for all, women may initially seek out online social interaction as a way of experiencing romance. Some women are introduced to pornography by a boyfriend or husband and then become ensnared. It is likely that the Internet has facilitated the rapid acceleration of women using pornography, providing more anonymity and accessibility. The Internet offers a “safer” version of experimentation for women who may have been used or hurt in past relationships. Women, too, need help to find freedom from pornography.

What Constitutes Addiction?
How can you tell if you or someone you love has an addiction to pornography? A simple time-tested definition of addiction relies on the presence of four characteristics:

  • Powerlessness or a loss of control; failure to resist the impulse to use pornography and continuing despite efforts to stop
  • Progression can be an escalation in frequency and amount of viewing, lying to others as well as engaging in more risky behaviors both on and off-line, such as accessing pornography at work
  • Preoccupation with sexual thoughts, fantasies, and acquiring sexual material
  • Pain or despair as a result of pornography use or its consequences

Addiction fools the mind of the affected person into not recognizing the gravity of the situation. If you or someone you love has been compulsively viewing pornography over an extended period of time, despite efforts to stop, it is best to seek advice from a counselor trained in understanding and healing addiction.

Where to Start
In order to change any behavior or attitude, you must take full responsibility for doing something about it. Many people have the desire to change but are not entirely willing to do so. It is often more comfortable to allow a problem to continue than to exercise a solution. The first step toward healing is a sincere willingness to take the steps that are needed, even if they are uncomfortable.

Cultivating chastity takes work . . . It is a lifelong task and a daily choice. Be patient, persevere, and do not be discouraged. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 22

Having a vision for why you want to break free from pornography is also very helpful. For example, seeking freedom could be motivated by the desire to save your marriage, live with integrity, or fulfill your role as a father or mother. Pain is often an initial motivator. The journey toward purity is like climbing a mountain, and we don’t want to stop short. We want to reach the summit and receive the abundant joy and peace God has for us.

Healing the Mind
In order to break free from attachment to pornography, it is important to understand the neurological aspects of pornography use and addiction, and to counter negative thought patterns.

At a neurological level, our brains become attached to viewing pornography because sexual arousal stimulates dopamine in the brain, a neuro-chemical that promotes connection with activities that bring us joy or a sense of satisfaction.1 In the case of viewing pornography, we are training our brains to respond to and enjoy an image or fantasy, not a real person. But since the brain does not differentiate between imaginary and real, it is flooded with the same neuro-chemicals as produced by real sexual intimacy. In fact, the types of images found in pornography cause over-stimulation of the brain, which then wants to repeat the activity and is “triggered” by anything associated with it (being home alone, the computer turning on, etc.). Eventually, repeated over-stimulation caused by viewing pornography decreases our ability to experience normal levels of pleasure and reduces the brain’s ability to regulate impulse and mood.2

The good news is that our brains are more changeable, or plastic, than we may have realized. It takes time, effort, and support, but it is possible to heal the neurological damage caused by viewing pornography. A good way forward is to abstain from all behaviors that lead to sexual stimulation for an initial month. (Support and accountability is needed here.) During this time, it can be helpful to reduce caffeine intake and increase non-media-based activities like exercise. It is helpful to journal about emotions and situations that were “triggers” for pornography use, and to talk with others for additional insight. Eventually, over the course of thirty to sixty days, our brains begin to heal from the over-stimulation caused by pornography and many of the former triggers are felt less intensely.

It is also important to examine one’s beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. The cycle of pornography use and addiction is perpetuated by distorted views of one’s self and others and is fueled by shame.3 Distorted thinking includes an avoidance of facing negative emotions and using denial tactics such as blaming, rationalizing, and minimizing. Other common attitudes that need to be examined and healed are self-centeredness or narcissism, self-pity, and being manipulative. A good goal is to be aware of your negative or distorted beliefs and counter them with the truth that God made you, loves you, and desires for you to be free from sexual compulsion. Often counseling or a support group is a significant help here.

Healing Relationships
Pornography can cause significant harm to a person’s relationships. Viewing pornography changes how men and women see each other. It takes time away from one’s relationships and can cause serious hurt and betrayal when discovered by a spouse or loved one. At the same time, men and women who struggle with pornography use may have unhealed relational wounds or problematic ways of interacting with others that led them to seek intimacy in pornography in the first place. For example, some families of addicted men or women had unwritten rules such as “don’t show emotions” or “deal with your problems alone,” which prevented the development of a healthy sense of cohesion and intimacy in the family. For some people, the fear of being known—and possibly rejected—leads to hiding aspects of one’s self, avoiding intimacy, or trying to control relationships.

Relational healing takes place in many ways, but being accountable to others is one of the best starting points. Accountability can include the use of monitoring or filtering software, but it is much more than that. Accountability involves humbly giving oneself over to the guidance of others who have more experience and have reached a deeper level of freedom from pornography. Joining a group of men or women who support each other on the journey toward purity can be very helpful. A counselor, spiritual director, or mentor can also play an important role by offering feedback and insight to help a person engage in healthy relationships and recognize his or her relational deficits, such as insecurity, approval-seeking, need for control, self-pity, etc. These need to be healed because they may make a person vulnerable to pornography use. True intimacy with others, as opposed to the illusory intimacy promised by pornography, allows a person to share his or her life, emotions, and joys with another person. This is the kind of communion we were all made for.

Spiritual Healing
Finally, using pornography has profound effects on a person’s spiritual life and damages his or her relationship with God. Someone caught in the cycle of habitual pornography use often feels distant from God and even unforgivable. Confessing one’s sins is a powerful practice that can help one receive healing. At the human level, honestly disclosing your struggles and sins to other people in order to seek their help can be beneficial. For example, mutual confession within the context of a supportive group can help men and women grow in humility and be accountable to one another. At the sacramental level, the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation communicates God’s healing grace. This sacrament forgives sin through God’s abundant mercy, breaks the cycle of shame, and offers graces for protection from future sin. Regular confession is a source of strength for men and women seeking to live pure, chaste lives and embrace God’s plan for love and sexuality, a plan that leads to human flourishing.

Forgiveness, too, is important to the process of spiritual healing. When a person admits the reality of his or her pornography use, the harm caused by it starts to become clear. It is important for a person to address and make amends for the harm that was caused. In turn, when the person who is seeking freedom offers forgiveness to others, this activates God’s healing grace in all their lives.

Do not let the obstacles of denial, shame, fear, despair, or pride keep you from relying on the Lord’s grace. Believe in the power of God. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 21

Healing Is Possible
Recovering the purity of a “clean heart” involves healing and integrating various dimensions of the person. Breaking free from the hold of pornography requires the ability to make radical, concrete lifestyle changes. This work is ongoing, and healing is possible through the support of other men and woman also striving toward purity and through the generous mercy of Christ. It is never too late to seek help and find the freedom to live your vocation of chaste, life-giving love.

For more information, including the full text of Create in Me a Clean Heart and a list of support services for those seeking to stop pornography use, please visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Notes
1 N. D. Volkow, et. al., “Addiction: Decreased Reward Sensitivity and Increased Expectation Sensitivity Conspire to Overwhelm the Brain’s Control Circuit,” Bioessays 32:9 (2010): 748-55.

2 William M. Struthers, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2009).

3 J. Brian Bransfield, Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).

About the author
Daniel Spadaro, MA, LPC, is a mental health counselor and founder of Imago Dei Counseling in Colorado Springs.

About this article
“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing from Pornography Use and Addiction was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Quote from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright 1989, 1993, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Create in Me a Clean Heart: Abridged Version

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

In the statement “Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography,” the bishops of the United States give a word of hope and healing to those who have been harmed by pornography and raise awareness of its pervasiveness and harms. This abridged version covers the statement’s main points. Additional resources, including the full statement text, can be found at
www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

The Beauty and Vocation of the Human Person
From the beginning of creation, God’s beautiful plan for human love was inscribed on the human heart and in the human body. All men and women are created in the image of God and called to love. Jesus fully reveals our identity and vocation and shows us the way of love as a gift of self. The human body speaks a language of gift and communion and has great dignity. It should be treated with the greatest respect. As persons, we are meant to be loved and not used.

The virtue of chastity allows us to gain self-mastery in the area of sexuality. It is opposed to lust (which uses a person) and instead fosters genuine love for the other as a whole person. All of us are called to chastity. In marriage, chastity takes the form of faithful and fruitful love and includes the sexual expression of that love. While sin damages our relationship with God, our own selves, and others, it does not have the last word. Jesus redeemed us and makes it possible for us to live a life of freedom in the Holy Spirit.

Why Is Pornography Wrong?
Sexual love is a gift meant for marriage alone. “Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties” (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], no. 2354). All pornography is immoral and harmful, and can never be justified, including within marriage. Using and/or producing pornography is a sin against chastity and against human dignity. It reduces the body to an erotic stimulant. It harms viewers and does “grave injury” to those involved in its production (CCC, no. 2354).

The sin of pornography needs the Lord’s forgiveness and should be confessed in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. Its use is also often linked with other sins, especially masturbation but also adultery and the crime of human trafficking. Pornography objectifies people and brings hurt and pain. It is an illusory substitute for real relationships and intimacy, which in the end bring true joy.

Pornography in Our Culture Today
Pornography today is a structure of sin.1 While rooted in the personal sins of individuals, pornography is so pervasive in society that it is difficult to avoid and challenging to remove. Several factors are important to note when evaluating pornography’s presence in our culture today.

  • Victims: The women and men portrayed in
    pornography have their dignity abused for others’ pleasure and profit. There is also the heinous crime of child pornography and pornography’s connections to sex trafficking worldwide.
  • Visibility: Pornographic and over-sexualized images are present in our culture as never before. It is commonplace to see such images while going about one’s daily life. Maintaining purity in this environment is a challenge.
  • Acceptability: Pornography is often misrepresented as a harmless pastime or even promoted as good, for example to help marital intimacy. Many describe it as “normal” behavior, especially for men.
  • Technology: The Internet has made pornography accessible, anonymous, mostly free, and endlessly novel. This potent combination continues to have devastating effects on many people.
  • Industry: Pornography is a big, moneymaking business. The industry is aggressive and savvy, constantly trying to entice new viewers. It is under-regulated and uses the claim of “free speech” to counter legal charges.
  • Content: Pornographic content available today is increasingly coarse, violent, and degrading. It communicates the message that sex is devoid of love and relationship, and even that sexual violence is acceptable.

Everyone is vulnerable to pornography. Many good people struggle with this habit, including faithful Catholics, married and single people, fathers and mothers, and so on.

Users and Effects: A Closer Look
Men are particularly susceptible to pornography because their brains are strongly drawn to sexual images. But pornography is not just a men’s issue. A growing number of women use pornography. Men and women might view pornography to soothe emotional wounds or for “recreation.” Women users are often seeking a sense of connection or romance and may feel isolated in their struggles.

Someone can start by occasionally viewing pornography but later can become a compulsive or addicted viewer. Because pornography use, usually combined with masturbation, directly affects the brain, it can be an extremely difficult habit to break. A person addicted to pornography may take risks to view it and continue the behavior despite adverse consequences.

Sadly, first exposure to pornography often occurs at young ages. Children may find images and videos by accident online or may happen upon a family member’s “stash.” Many young people also produce their own pornography in the form of sexual photographs and videos shared with peers. Being exposed to pornography can be traumatic for children and youth. It gives them a distorted image of sexuality, persons, and relationships, which can then affect their behavior. Tragically, some children are forced to participate in child pornography, a crime.

Parents today face increasing challenges in protecting their children’s innocence and many feel ill-equipped to monitor their children’s devices. Pornography use within the home has negative effects on a family’s life. It can, for example, undermine the credibility of the father and other role models who use pornography, and if the breadwinner becomes preoccupied with pornography, financial problems may result.

Pornography use within marriage damages the spouses’ trust and intimacy both because of the behavior itself and because of the deception often involved in hiding it. Its use can lead to affairs, requests for degrading sexual behavior, and even divorce. It decreases spouses’ sexual satisfaction and interest in marital sex. For the unmarried, viewing pornography can make it more difficult to maintain a self-giving relationship of mutual trust. Undoubtedly, pornography fuels the hook-up culture and discourages young adults from undertaking the work of relationships in the first place.

Mercy and Healing in Christ and Through the Church
The Church is called to be a “field hospital” for the wounded of the world.2 No wound is out of the reach of Christ’s redeeming grace. Christ is our hope! The Church proclaims the truth about love, sexuality, and the dignity of each person, and she seeks to provide the Lord’s mercy and healing for those harmed by pornography.

To those exploited by the pornography industry, you are beloved and cherished by God! The way you have been treated is deplorable, and we will work for justice for all enslaved men, women, and children. Come to the Lord and allow him to heal you.

To those guilty of exploiting others through the production of pornography, the Lord in his justice and mercy is calling you to repentance. No sin is too great to forgive, but we exhort you to repent, make amends for the damage you have caused, and turn yourself over to civil authorities if you have been involved in criminal exploitation.

To men and women who use pornography, be not afraid to approach the altar of mercy and ask for forgiveness. God is waiting to meet with joy those who repent. Counseling, spiritual direction, and accountability groups can all help you to reach freedom. Filtering software can help you avoid near occasions of sin. Cultivating chastity takes work and is a daily choice. If you fall, seek the Lord’s forgiveness in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation.

To those who have been hurt by their spouse’s pornography use, you are not to blame for your spouse’s choice to view pornography. You may feel betrayed and deceived and may have faced abuse. If you are in danger, seek safety. Find solace in prayer and seek out a trusted spiritual director or counselor as you work through powerful emotions. If your spouse desires to change, you can be a great help to him/her. Set clear boundaries and take care of your own health.

To all parents, you are the guardians of your children and should be their models for chaste love. It is your responsibility to teach your children the true meaning of sexuality and to protect them from pornography. Be vigilant about the technology you allow into your home. Foster openness and trust with your children so they can talk to you about images they have seen.

To all who work with children and youth, parents have given you a responsibility to protect their children. You can have a great influence on the children entrusted to your care. Create an environment suitable for learning chastity and be vigilant over technological access.

To young people, Christ calls you to be strong, courageous witnesses of chastity and hope. Be an example for your friends of the freedom and joy that come from living a chaste life. Reject the pressure to treat sex as recreational or to objectify your body or someone else’s. If you have used pornography, seek forgiveness from the Lord and ask for help from your parents or a trusted adult.

To pastors and other clergy, we are witnesses of the joy and freedom of chastity. Let us call the faithful to the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation and make sure it is available. We too must approach the fount of mercy if we sin in this area. Let us preach on chastity and protect children from pornography.

To all people of good will, the Church is grateful to all who are working to acknowledge the harmful nature of pornography and build a culture where chastity and authentic love are esteemed and supported.

You Are Not Alone
Many good people struggle with the sin of pornography and are striving to cultivate chastity. You are not alone. Jesus is with you, and the Church offers you love and support. Trust in the Lord’s mercy and his power to free and heal you. For further resources and help, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Prayer

Have mercy on me, God, in accord with your merciful love;
in your abundant compassion blot out my transgressions.
Thoroughly wash away my guilt;
and from my sin cleanse me.
For I know my transgressions;
my sin is always before me.
Against you, you alone have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your eyes
so that you are just in your word,
and without reproach in your judgment.
Behold, I was born in guilt,
in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, you desire true sincerity;
and secretly you teach me wisdom.
Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
You will let me hear gladness and joy;
the bones you have crushed will rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins;
blot out all my iniquities.
A clean heart create for me, God;
renew within me a steadfast spirit.

(Ps 51:3-12)

Notes

[1] See Catechism of the Catholic Church (2nd ed.) (Washington, DC: Libreria Editrice Vaticana [LEV]–United States Conference of Catholic Bishops [USCCB], 2000), no. 1869; Second Vatican Council, Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes (Dec. 7, 1965), no. 25, in The Documents of Vatican II, ed. Walter M. Abbott (New York: Guild Press, 1966); and Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace, Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church (Washington, DC: LEV–USCCB, 2004), no. 119.

[2] See Antonio Spadaro, SJ, “A Big Heart Open to God: The exclusive interview with Pope Francis,” America (Sept. 30, 2013).

About this article

Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography, Abridged Version was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, Revised Edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC.
and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

Quote from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, second edition, copyright © 2000, Libreria Editrice
Vaticana–United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. Used with permission.
All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

This document was developed as a print resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) in 2011.

For Sue and Carlos, married for eight years, life is hectic as they try to balance his full-time job, her part-time job, and the needs of three children. Even when they manage a date night, conversation tends to revolve around the kids. Sue misses the connection she felt with Carlos as newlyweds. Carlos loves his family but wonders if there’s something more than the endless routine of carpools and shopping. Both worry that the spark has gone out of their marriage.

Nearly a year after Tom admitted his affair with a co-worker, Sally cannot forgive him. She considered divorce, but Sally takes their wedding vows seriously and doesn’t want to abandon nineteen years of marriage. Besides, Tom is a good father to their teenagers. Tom wants desperately to regain Sally’s trust but doesn’t know how to begin to repair the damage to their marriage.

On their wedding day, when a bride and groom promise to be true in good times and in bad, the hard times seem far away. The Church rejoices with the couple, even as it reminds them of what lies ahead. In the Nuptial Blessing the priest or deacon prays, “Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.”

The Church understands that problems are part of every marriage. The reality of human sinfulness can impair the ability to achieve a happy and holy marriage. Modern stresses on marriage can take their toll.

Nevertheless, God’s plan for marriage persists. He offers forgiveness and healing so that couples might learn to grow in self-giving love and thus become an image of the relationship between Christ and his Church.

How can this happen, however, when couples face the difficulties of married life? In their pastoral letter on marriage, Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. bishops offer an answer: “We bishops urge couples in crisis to turn to the Lord for help. We also encourage them to make use of the many resources, including programs and ministries offered by the Church, that can help to save marriages, even those in serious difficulty” (24).

This brochure identifies a variety of resources available to couples experiencing marital problems. Some couples, such as Sue and Carlos in the above example, can benefit from marriage education. Others, like Sally and Tom, often need more intensive help, such as counseling. All Catholic spouses can draw strength and healing from the Church’s spiritual resources.

The Parish as a Source of Help

Catholics experiencing problems in their marriage often turn to their parish for assistance. For many, a first step is to discuss their situation with their pastor, who can often offer support and guidance. Although most are not trained counselors, an experienced pastor knows what to listen for and what kind of help to offer. Couples like Sue and Carlos may simply need reassurance that their marriage is going through an unsettling but normal phase.

In some cases, a pastor may identify and challenge an addictive behavior. He may also determine that professional help is needed and recommend a qualified counselor.

The pastor represents a Church that is committed to saving marriages, if at all possible. He promises to offer spiritual and emotional support as the couple works through their difficulties. He asks the couple to make a similar commitment by trying in good faith to save the marriage. (An important note: In Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. Catholic bishops state that “no one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse” [24]. See also When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.)

In some parishes, deacons and lay ministers are able to provide pastoral care to married couples. Other parishes have pastoral counselors—trained mental health professionals who integrate sound therapy and spirituality. If no help is available, it may be possible to find assistance at a neighboring parish. This is also an option for couples who are reluctant to discuss their marital problems with their own pastor.

Helpful Resources for All Couples

  • Skills-building programs. Research has shown that marriages are more likely to succeed when couples acquire certain skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial planning, and time management. Some parishes and community adult education programs offer skills-building sessions. The diocesan Family Life Office may be familiar with programs offered in the area.
  • In-home resources. Many couples appreciate the flexibility of in-home resources such as books, DVDs, and web-based marriage enrichment programs. These are readily available online and in bookstores. The For Your Marriage website includes lists of recommended books and programs.
  • A Marriage Mentor couple can be helpful for any marriage, especially one in trouble. Some parishes have programs to match couples; otherwise, a pastor might suggest someone, or a couple might look for a more experienced couple whose interactions they admire.
  • Group-based encouragement and enrichment. Various enrichment programs are offered in group settings. Some, such as Marriage Encounter and the Marriage Encounter Weekend Program, bring couples together for a day or a weekend to focus on improving their marriage. Others, such as Christian Family Movement and Teams of Our Lady, offer a chance to meet regularly with other married couples for mutual support and spiritual growth.

For Your Marriage has more information about these and similar resources.

Resources for Couples with Serious Issues

  • Support groups. Addiction to drugs and alcohol, gambling, pornography, and similar behaviors, if left untreated, worsen over time and can destroy a marriage. Twelve Step programs such as A.A. and N.A. can be effective, alone or in combination with other therapy. The spouse of someone with an addiction can benefit from Al-Anon or Narconon. Many parishes have a list of such programs in their area.

See the article on Addictions for more information.

  • Retrouvaille and The Third Option. Retrouvaille is a weekend program with follow-up, designed for couples with serious problems, including those who are separated or divorced. Weekends are offered around the country. The Third Option combines skills-building workshops, sharing with mentor couples, and a support group. It can be used for marriage enrichment or crisis intervention. Spouses may come alone.

Counseling

Sometimes a problem becomes more than a couple can handle alone. Indications that a couple might need counseling include ongoing conflict that does not get resolved; poor communication patterns; disruptive life transitions; substance abuse; disagreement over a child’s needs; and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. A positive outcome is more likely when help is sought sooner rather than later.

A major challenge is finding the right counselor. The therapist should be committed to saving the marriage, if at all possible, and should respect religious values as a resource for strengthening the marriage. The therapist should have specific training in marriage counseling, with a practice that includes a significant amount of couple work.

The best referrals come from people whose wisdom and integrity can be trusted. This might include a friend, family member, physician, or mental health professional. It could be a pastor or parish staff member. Another referral source is the diocesan Catholic Charities Office or Family Life Office.

See the article on counseling for more information.

Spiritual Resources

Jesus promises to be with those who are dealing with difficulties: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28).

Couples can experience Jesus’ presence through the Catholic Church’s rich treasury of spiritual resources.

  • In the Eucharist, Catholic married couples encounter the one who is the source of their marriage. Jesus’ self-giving love sustains their own union. Sometimes, however, couples slip in their Sunday Mass attendance, or they do not attend Mass together. A first step might be to make a date for Mass and start to reclaim the spiritual foundation for the marriage.
  • Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Jesus offers mercy and healing and the opportunity to make a fresh start after inevitable stumbles.
  • Personal prayer, Bible reading, and devotions such as the Rosary or eucharistic adoration can help couples discern God’s will for their marriage.
  • Some parishes and dioceses offer a day of reflection or weekend retreat for married couples.

Conclusion

The Catholic Church wants couples to have a holy and happy marriage. Addressing problems as they arise helps spouses develop the skills and behaviors that lead to a happy marriage; it also leads them to a holy marriage, as they grow in virtues such as patience, perseverance, and forgiveness. Couples who have worked through serious difficulties often emerge stronger and more committed. Hand in hand, they lead each other to heaven as they witness to God’s own faithfulness and abundant love.

About the document
The document Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble was developed as a resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American Bible, copyright © 1991, 1986, and 1970 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC 20017 and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

First printing, May 2011

ISBN 978-1-60137-199-7

Copyright © 2011, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright holder.

This resource is also available in a printed brochure format (Publication No. 7-199). To order copies contact USCCB Publishing or call 800-235-8722.

Drug Use Can Ruin a Marriage

Famous Last Words: “Mom, I can change him.”

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right is hard enough. You finally locate someone who shares your interests, who’s attractive, sympathetic, enjoys being with you. There’s only one problem: He (or she) uses drugs. Maybe it’s just once or twice a month; maybe it’s every weekend, or every day. No one’s perfect, you say to yourself; everyone has a least one weakness.

Should you get married to a drug user? No one but you can make that decision. But before you make it, here are some things to consider.

Most drug users, especially the heavy users, have one great love: their addiction. The more they get into drugs, the more time and effort they put into feeding their addiction. Life becomes a cycle: finding drugs, using them, and acquiring the means to use more. Love of family–and time for family activities–take a distant second place to love of drugs.

Employment, Finances and Drugs

Most drug users are poor providers. Many are unemployed. But even those who are employed full-time have far higher job turnover rates than non-users, according to a 2007 study from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. In fact, drug users are more than twice as likely as non-users to have worked for three or more employers in just a year’s time.

It’s hard to keep a job when you’re on drugs. And for drug users, good jobs are harder to find. A 2003 PBS documentary reported that virtually all of the Fortune 500 companies require drug tests before they hire new workers. They also conduct random drug tests on their existing employees. Drugs and work don’t mix.

Drugs cost money, lots of it. The money paid for drugs comes from funds that would ordinarily go to feeding, sheltering and clothing a family, paying for the children’s education, and for all the other expenses of raising a family. And the drug-related expenses go beyond the cost of the drugs themselves. Overdoses, drug-related illnesses, traffic accidents caused by drugs: these are just some of the things that put people in hospital emergency rooms. If your spouse is “between jobs,” as many drug users are, chances are good, unless you have health insurance yourself, that you’ll be paying for all this medical treatment out of pocket.

There’s a strong relationship between drugs and crime. Some of it comes from the search for money to buy drugs. But a lot of violent crime comes from people doing things under the influence of drugs that they would never consider doing when sober. Unfortunately, much of that crime takes place within the home itself. There are many stories of drug-related abuse.

Drug Use Affects the Whole Family

One story that captured the headlines some years ago involved a Manhattan lawyer who threw his six-year-old daughter against a wall and then sat in front of the girl, smoking cocaine with his companion, a book editor and author, while the girl lapsed into a coma and eventually died. When police arrived at the apartment, they also found a 17-month- old boy, soaked in urine, encrusted with dirt, tethered by rope to a filthy playpen. Why would two such intelligent people be so heedless and reckless in their behavior unless their minds were messed up with drugs?

Drug users and their families develop a whole new group of friends: the wrong ones. These new friends, and the things they do, are all part of the drug culture: fellow pot smokers, crack cocaine addicts, heroin dealers, prison cell mates – not to mention the self-rationalizations, the lies to family, friends and employers, shoplifting, stealing from parents, the street robberies, prostitution, emergency room visits, and frequently death.

Too often, the whole family gets sucked into the drug culture: ten-year-olds who get sent by their mothers out into the streets to buy crack; six-year-olds who are burned to death when their parents’ jerry-rigged methamphetamine labs explode. Some experiment with drugs thinking they’ll escape the demands of life, and then often realize they’ve found a new way of life, one far worse then they ever imagined – and one they find it impossible to escape. And too often they bring their families along with them.

Once you start, it’s tough to stop. Avram Goldstein, a medical doctor and Professor Emeritus of Pharmacology at Stanford University, put it this way in his book, “Addiction”: “There is some truth in the saying ‘Once an addict, always an addict.’ The formerly addicted person has drug-related memories and experiences not shared by those who have never been addicted. And these – under the right conditions – can trigger a relapse.” Consider all the Hollywood stars and sports stars who have been in and out of rehab facilities. Even if their efforts are successful, people in rehab give up their prime years – years when they could be focusing on building a career and raising families.

Can you change him (or her)? Anything is possible. But before you take the plunge, give some serious thought to the kind of life you aspire to – and just as importantly, what kind of future you’d like your children to have.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.

Marijuana: What Every Parent Should Know

How likely is it that my child will use marijuana?

Marijuana use is widespread, especially among teens. Each year, the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan conducts an extensive survey of 8th, 10th, and 12th graders. The 2008 survey found that by the 12th grade, 43 percent of the students had tried marijuana, 19 percent had used it in the month preceding the survey, and five percent used it every day.

When should I start worrying about it?

Earlier than you might think. According to Dr. Karen Miotto, a professor at the UCLA School of Medicine and former director of its Alcoholism and Addiction Medicine Service, “kids are starting to experiment with marijuana at ages 10 or 11.” But the most important years come when the child leaves middle school for high school, says Joseph Califano, Jr., head of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. Fourteen-year olds are three times more likely to be offered marijuana than 13-year olds, he says.

Is marijuana harmful?

Marijuana has both short-term and long-term effects. Like alcohol, it can affect concentration and slow down reaction times. That’s an especially serious problem for teenage drivers at a time in their lives when they are experimenting behind the wheel. Traces of marijuana tend to linger in the body for several days. Those who use it only occasionally may be under the false impression they have “sobered up,” even though their reaction times continue to be affected.

Marijuana also affects short-term memory, making it more difficult to handle complex tasks, study, and learn, a serious problem for teenagers who should be developing the learning habits and working skills that will prepare them for their adult responsibilities.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, those who use marijuana frequently can develop “amotivational syndrome,” leading to problems including “not caring about what happens in their lives, no desire to work regularly, fatigue, and a lack of concern about how they look.” Dr. Richard N. Rosenthal of Columbia University recently put it this way: “The people who become chronic users don’t have the same lives and the same achievements as people who don’t use chronically.”

Can my child become addicted to marijuana?

According to a 1999 study of the Institute of Medicine cited in The News York Times, only nine percent of the people who used marijuana became addicted. (By comparison, 17 percent become addicted to cocaine and 23 percent to heroin.)

On the other hand, today’s marijuana can be as much as five times more potent than the product of the 1970s. “Now that people have access to very high potency marijuana, the game is different,” Dr. Nora D. Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, told the Times. There was a time, she says, when “people thought cocaine was a very benign drug.” With marijuana, she added, “it’s going to take some real fatalities for people to pay attention.” One 50-year old man interviewed by the Times said that he had kicked heroin and cocaine, but still couldn’t kick marijuana.

Does using marijuana necessarily lead kids to harder drugs?

Whether marijuana is a “gateway drug” is a source of some contention. One study by Columbia University’s Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, found that “children who use marijuana are 85 times more likely to use cocaine than non-marijuana users.”

But Dr. Alan J. Budney, a professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at the University of Vermont, sees the “gateway” concept as confusing. He says that “99 percent of cocaine or heroin users have smoked pot. So in some ways it is a precursor. The other side of that is that 85 percent of people who smoke pot only smoke pot.”

Yet if 85 percent don’t graduate to harder drugs, that means that 15 percent (or one out of seven) do. So it might be likened to a game of Russian Roulette with an old pistol whose barrel has seven chambers and one bullet. Experimenting with marijuana won’t necessarily lead to harder drugs, but it’s an experiment with an unacceptably high degree of risk.

How do I know if my kids are using it?

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) offers some warning signs that your child may be using marijuana. Signs that he or she may be high include dizziness and trouble walking; becoming silly and giggly for no apparent reason; having very red, bloodshot eyes; and having a hard time remembering things that just happened.

Some behavioral signs of marijuana use include withdrawal, depression, and fatigue; hostility toward family and friends; changes in academic performance and loss of interest in sports. Of course, as NIDA points out, behavioral changes can simply be a sign of difficulties with adolescence.

Parents should also be aware of such things as signs of drugs and drug paraphernalia, including pipes and rolling papers; odor on clothes and in the bedroom; and clothing, posters, jewelry and other objects promoting drug use.

Finally, know your kids’ friends. They are the ones most likely to initiate them into drug use.

Is there anything I can do to prevent my children from using marijuana?

You are the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs. A 2000 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help?

  • First, become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. Your kids most likely know much more about the current drug scene than you do, and you need to speak to them with the authority that knowledge brings.
  • Second, discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. Know the arguments for and against. This may be the most important debate you will ever have. The best place to discuss the subject is the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids.
  • Third, be a role model for your kids. When it comes to using any addictive substance, legal or otherwise, nothing speaks louder than your own good example.

Where can I read more about marijuana and its effects on kids?

A number of sites on the internet can provide you with all the factual information you will need to discuss the subject with your children. Here are three sites that you may find helpful:

White House Office of National Drug Control Policy

The National Institute on Drug Abuse

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked at the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004

Pornography

In 2015 the bishops of the United States approved “Create in Me a Clean Heart,” a formal pastoral statement addressing the issue of pornography and all those affected. Learn more about the statement or read it for yourself. Pamphlets in the series are also available here.

Henry seemed to have it all–a loving marriage, four young children, and a solid middle-management position with a local financial corporation. He and his family lived in a good suburban neighborhood and were active in their local parish, where Henry was involved in the music ministry. At 35, he was poised for a promotion to a more lucrative upper-management post.

He always worked long hours, both at the office and at home, but in recent months he had shown signs of wearing down. To his wife and children, he seemed distant, irritable and gloomy, and he was spending longer and longer hours at the computer. He often missed out on family outings, saying he needed to work. Even his co-workers noticed a change for the worse in his mood, efficiency and productivity. He simply wasn’t himself anymore.

Everything came crashing down late one evening when Henry’s 11-year-old daughter, Hannah, walked in on him as he watched an Internet video of men and women engaging in sexual acts. Horrified, Hannah ran and told her mother, and this now-disillusioned family suddenly had some very serious issues to face.

Tragically, Henry’s situation is not unique. While pornography has been around for centuries, the problem of addiction to pornography has increased dramatically in recent years largely due to its vast presence on the Internet.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, who in 1983 first advanced the idea that a person could become addicted to sex, calls the addiction to Internet pornography “the crack cocaine of sexual addiction.” Like crack, it doesn’t take long for an Internet porn user to become hooked, often a matter of just a few weeks. And like crack, habitual viewing of online porn creates an intense cycle of addiction that is extremely difficult to break without expert assistance.

These are some of the devastating effects of Internet pornography upon marriage, the family and the individual:

  • It destroys the trust and intimacy within the husband-wife relationship and often leads to the end of the marriage itself.
  • It creates obstacles to real communication and personal interaction with one’s spouse and with others.
  • It stimulates within the porn addict a distorted view of sexuality that can lead to the desire for riskier, perverse and even criminal sexual behaviors.
  • It draws focus away from one’s family life and relationship with God and sets a destructive example for one’s children.

Epidemic proportions

Porn addiction is an epidemic that has been grown in the Internet age. Some estimates put porn use among churchgoing men at 50 percent, a figure that differs little from use among the adult male population at large.

For Robert Peters, president of Morality in Media, the Internet is the primary factor in the increase in porn use.

“Particularly with the Internet, we usually talk about the three A’s: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. Sometimes I add a fourth A, addiction,” says Peters. “Pornography is addictive in any medium, but when you’ve got this smorgasbord at your fingertips, and you’re clever enough to keep anyone from finding out about it, it’s an awful lot easier for people to get into pornography.”

Those factors also make it much easier for children and teenagers to access pornography, according to Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons, director of the Institute for Marital Healing near Philadelphia.

“Unfortunately, kids in elementary and high schools can develop a really bad problem with porn at a very early age,” Fitzgibbons says. “They go to school and talk about porn sites with their friends. If it were not for the Internet, these kids would not be into this fantasy world.”

Statistics bear this out: According to studies, 90 percent of children ages 8 through 16 have viewed pornography online, and children 12 through 17 are the largest single group of users of Internet porn.

How a porn addiction develops

An Internet porn habit may begin out of curiosity, by clicking on a racy advertisement or e-mail or happening upon a site by accident. A man may continue to explore online porn because he feels it fills a real or perceived need, explains Mark Houck, co-founder and president of The King’s Men, a Catholic apostolate based in the Philadelphia area.

“Perhaps he is stressed at work, or perhaps he is bored with his life and looking for some excitement,” says Houck. “Whatever the case is, it begins with his false perception that the women and images he will see on the Internet will satisfy his needs. The truth of the matter is that they will never satisfy his needs, and he will be left in a worse situation than he was before. . . . He is using pornography as a substitute for real human relationships, and he is suffering.”

Factors that may lead to the development of a porn-viewing habit include stress, marital conflict, profound self-centeredness, or the “pleasure principle,” a Freudian term for the drive to avoid pain and seek immediate gratification.

Sometimes there is a contributing cause in what Fitzgibbons calls “marital loneliness.”

“The couple has drifted apart in the home,” Fitzgibbons says. “They love each other, but they’re not present to each other, particularly in the evening. They’re in different rooms, even different floors of the house. That’s the worst mistake.”

Other emotional and character conflicts that can lead to addiction include poor body image, an excessive sense of responsibility, a lack of balance in life, mistrust of others, social isolation, lack of acceptance by peers, and repressed anger. Often these traits are rooted in negative formative experiences of childhood. Having had a parent who viewed or was addicted to pornography is another major factor that increases vulnerability to porn addiction.

Whatever the root causes, a man’s attraction to pornographic images can bring about a mental “high” that provides a brief escape from whatever stress or unhappiness he is experiencing in his daily life.

Gradually, the porn addiction escalates as he builds a tolerance to each level of his online experiences. He may seek out more explicit or perverse pornographic. He may be drawn to adult chat rooms where Internet users can meet online.

For some porn-addicted men, the obsession can get to the point that online images and encounters no longer satisfy their desires. They seek to act out their pornographic fantasies, for example, by having an affair, seeking casual sexual encounters, picking up prostitutes, patronizing “gentlemen’s clubs,” committing acts of voyeurism or even sexual abuse of another person.

Seeking help

Eventually, however, the anonymity ends when the secret gets out. As the addiction grows, his cognitive abilities are impaired and he takes more risks. His increasingly risky behavior and his efforts to conceal his problem raise questions among family and co-workers. His wife or child walks in on him in the act of viewing porn, or discovers his secret by chance when he leaves open a web page, a photo or incriminating e-mail onscreen, or fails to erase his browser history revealing the porn addresses he has visited.

The increase in Internet pornography addiction has brought with it an increase in the number of men and couples seeking help to overcome the problem, although it is not usually the man’s idea to seek help, says Fitzgibbons.

“Sometimes it’s the men, but more often the wives become aware that their husbands have this problem,” he says. Most wives consider their husbands’ porn use as a betrayal every bit as deep and damaging as if they had committed adultery.

“The negative impact on marriages is quite significant,” says Fitzgibbons. “I’ve had many women say that this is no different to them than having an affair. A number tell their spouses, ‘Unless you address this and work on this, this marriage will not survive, because I experience it as total betrayal.’ They’ll say, ‘When you are doing that, you’re not thinking of me. You’re involved in adultery of the heart.’ And there’s no response to that one.”

Arduous road to recovery

Most therapists today agree that obsessive viewing of Internet porn qualifies as a behavioral addiction. When a man views the images, the accompanying gratification tends to neurochemically “hard-wire” his brain and burn the images permanently in his memory in what some doctors call an erototoxin effect.

As Houck of The King’s Men explains in layman’s terms, “Overcoming a porn addiction is harder than overcoming a heroin addiction. When rehabbing from a drug addiction, there is a period of detoxification from the drug. With porn, you can detox, but the images never leave your body. Scary, isn’t it?”

Because porn addiction compulsion has so many of the same causes and effects as adultery, the treatment and counseling are pretty much the same, says Dr. Fitzgibbons.

“In adultery, the wife will say, ‘I want all the details.’ So you have to be totally uncovered, transparent, and honest about all the mistakes you’ve made, when, where and why,” he says. “And then there has to be a deep sense of sorrow, a repentance. So it is exactly the same as treating adultery in that there has to be a real commitment to identify the problems and address them.”

Rebuilding marital trust is a major undertaking in itself. The man must patiently discuss all that went on as deeply and as often as she requests. He must provide her with more attention and become more focused on their marital friendship. With time, if he can be chaste and accountable, his wife’s trust in him may grow again.

Part of the recovery process as well as a preventive measure is for husband and wife to practice good interpersonal communication and to spend quality time together – in other words, to build and maintain a strong marital friendship.

“Marital friendship is based on talking, communicating, being present to the other–not just watching television, but taking time to discuss matters or to do things together, even pray together,” Fitzgibbons says.

While treatment clinics and support groups can be helpful, Fitzgibbons emphasizes the need for a strong spiritual component if a man is to address and overcome his addiction effectively.

“Where there is a spiritual component to the recovery, we have seen great success,” he says. “The Lord doesn’t want this darkness to interfere with the great sacrament of marriage.”

Prayer, frequent reception of the sacraments, Bible study and support groups can be very helpful in the recovery process.

For Your Marriage Resources:

Research on effects of pornography:

  • The National Center on Sexual Exploitation runs a website called Porn Harms: Research, which includes an up-to-date list of major studies and scientific information about the effects of pornography.
  • The Family Research Council released a study in December 2009 on pornography’s effects on marriages, children, individuals and communities. See the Executive Summary and full report.

Catholic Church teaching about chastity and pornography:

For Further Reading (links to book reviews on For Your Marriage):

Give Your Kids a Life: Keep Them Off Drugs

There’s been a big change in people’s attitudes about using marijuana, and it’s a change that may affect parents all over America. One recent poll discovered that 46 percent of Americans support legalizing small amounts for personal use. That’s more than twice the percentage the pollsters found 12 years ago when they last asked the same question. By early 2009, 13 states had legalized marijuana sales to people with doctors’ prescriptions, and the U.S. Justice Department announced that it would no longer conduct raids on distributors of medical marijuana in those states.

What does this trend mean for parents? If the nation’s drug laws are eased, if law enforcement pulls back, that will shift most of the responsibility for keeping kids off drugs to parents.

It’s been said that fighting drug use is a three-legged stool: prevention programs to caution kids about experimenting with drugs; law enforcement programs to stop the sale of drugs; and treatment programs to help those who fall through the cracks. If drug enforcement laws are repealed, that will leave it up to prevention and treatment. And when it comes to drug use, there’s an old saying that is true in so many areas of life: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

One father, a magazine editor, discovered the truth in that old saying when his son, Nic, started using marijuana at 12 years old and then graduated to powdered and crack cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, and to what became his favorite drug, crystal methamphetamine. In 2005, the father, David Sheff, wrote a best-selling book, Beautiful Boy, about the effects of Nic’s drug use and his frequent attempts at rehabilitation and subsequent relapses.

Nic Sheff told CNN that fourteen years after first experimenting with pot, he’s still trying to beat his addiction to methamphetamine. “I am isolated, alone, disgusted with everything and, most especially, myself,” he said, adding that he suffered from “bouts of wanting to throw myself off a tall building.”

Sheff’s stories are a good object lesson for parents with kids who are coming of age. The bad news is that kids start early today. Twenty percent of kids have experimented with illegal drugs by the eighth grade; by the time they reach the twelfth grade, roughly half of all kids have used illegal drugs.

The important years are the teen years. The good news is that if you can keep your kids off drugs until they are 21, you are virtually assured that they will never use them. That means that kids are at risk for almost an entire decade, and most of those years are spent home with the family.

If your kids reach 21 without using drugs, they will have had the opportunity to spend the most important years of their lives preparing for productive work and for building the kind of character they will need to lead their own families. On the other hand, if your kids slip into drug addiction, there’s a good chance they will spend the most important years of their lives, like Nic Sheff, in and out of drug treatment, focused on merely staying clean rather than preparing for life.

What can you do to keep your kids off drugs? When it comes to drugs, you may think that the main influences on kids are the movies they see, the songs they hear, and the friends they keep. There’s some truth in that. But surveys show that you are the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs.

A 2002 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that many parents thought they had little influence in steering their kids away from drugs. But the teens themselves told the researchers otherwise. In a 2000 survey, for example, the Center had found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help? Here are two suggestions that should guide your efforts. The first suggestion is to become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. If half the kids in twelfth grade have experimented with drugs, your kids are in effect surrounded by the drug culture.

How do you find solid information you can use to talk with your kids about drugs? There are two good places to start. One is The Partnership for a Drug-Free America, a private group of communications professionals dedicated to helping teens reject drug abuse. Another is the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, which features links to websites that offer good advice and information.

The second suggestion is to discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. The best place to discuss the subject is at the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids. The dinner table is often the one occasion each day that brings together the whole family. The Center at Columbia found that teens who ate family dinners infrequently were three times more likely to use marijuana than those who had family dinners five or more times a week.

How do you bring up the issue? There are many things that can be used to initiate a conversation, such as drug-related incidents that happen at school, pop stars who enter rehab, or news accounts of accidents involving drugs.

How responsible are you for the decisions your teenage kids make? David Sheff looked back on his son’s addictions and wondered what more he could have done to keep his son away from drugs. Drug counselors, he said, tell parents that it’s not their fault. “But who among us,” he wrote, “doesn’t believe that we could have done something differently that would have helped?”

In the end, what counts will be the decisions your kids make. But if you choose to make the commitment of time and energy it takes to influence that important decision, you will have done all you can do to help your kids find their way to happy, productive, drug-free lives.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.