I hit rock bottom and got help.

Looking back on that now, I reflect on how sad it is that it took us getting to this point for me to finally wake up. From an outside look, I don’t understand why I was so bull-headed with getting help. Pride was my downfall. But the funny thing about hitting rock bottom is that it wakes a person up quite quickly. So it was for me. The Lord had me right where He wanted me. This was my second moment of grace.

The third moment of grace came as I confessed my sins to a priest with who I had been going to confession weekly trying to stay on top of the addiction. He had mentioned that there was a guy who was making himself available to help other guys who were struggling with pornography. I had ignored this suggestion previously, thinking I could do it alone, but this time I took him up on the offer. I reached out to him and began meeting with him regularly. This is also where I was introduced to Covenant Eyes. I purchased the monthly subscription and downloaded the app on my phone that very first meeting. He introduced me to loving accountability, which meant I was no longer alone in this battle.

Did this mean that I didn’t fall a couple more times? No. But it was easier to get up after each fall and start again. Eventually, the embarrassment of having to receive a phone call asking what happened wore me down. I began to resist temptation based on this. Soon, I was one week free. Then two. Then a month. Then two. Then six. The further I got from pornography and masturbation, the more I was able to clearly see the wounds I had caused and the lies that I had let myself believe for so many years. I began to invest in my relationship with Jesus, developing a regular prayer time and going on my first silent retreats. My wife and I signed up for Retrouvaille, a lifeline for hurting marriages, and began to work through the wounds and struggles that had been buried deep.

I found long-term freedom one day at a time.

There was one final fall after about 18 months of freedom, which pulled me out of a lull where I had stopped praying regularly and had been engaging more in my phone and computer use. It made me recognize again that each day is a battle, and each day I need to run with everything I have towards Jesus, placing my head on His Most Sacred Heart and resting there always. The words of St. Paul were also brought very quickly to mind: “Therefore, whoever thinks he is standing secure should take care not to fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12). It is a battle that is beyond my strength, and I am okay with that because it is not beyond Jesus.

The nail in the coffin, per se, on the remaining hold this addiction had on me came when Cardinal Studios came out with STRIVE, a 21-day porn detox for men, created by Matt Fradd. It was $49, which seemed like a lot, but I knew that the Lord was calling me to it. Throughout those 21 days, my heart was convicted as Matt talked about the importance of accountability, how my sexual desire is not a bad thing but is a good and holy gift, how I can rediscover true beauty, and how freedom continues one day at a time. I also learned other truths about how pornography rewired my brain over the past 16 years and that I was inadvertently contributing to the ties between sex trafficking, sexual abuse, and pornography.

From that point to now, I haven’t looked back, other than to write this post and share a story of how God can take our brokenness and redeem it in ways we could never imagine. Little did I know that a few years later I would be working for Covenant Eyes, fighting the same battle, but this time helping many other men find the freedom I now have, by the grace of God. The best part? STRIVE is now a Covenant Eyes resource, and we offer it free to any man who wants to begin the journey to break their chains of slavery to pornography. More than 40,000 men have journeyed through to date, sharing stories of how it was the first time in 21 days that they had not looked at porn, how they can now see through the lies the sex industry tries to sell them, and how they have more time to focus on what’s truly important by being a loving husband and father. I cannot wait to see what the Lord does this year and in years to come with STRIVE, because I know personally that it’s a game-changer.

In the end, I’m reminded of the words of St. John Paul II: “We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures, we are the sum of the Father’s love for us.”

We are His beloved sons and daughters. He loves us infinitely and unconditionally, no matter how many times we fall and have to come crawling back. We get a glimpse of that love as we look upon the Cross and see how His only begotten Son poured Himself out for us. Jesus died for you. He died for me. And He would do it again if it meant we would rest always in His arms and the arms of our Heavenly Father.

End of part II.

Read part I.

This post originally appeared on Covenant Eyes and is republished with permission.

If you or someone you know struggles with pornography, please visit our Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use for help and resources.