Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

Illness

Many kinds of illness- physical, mental and emotional- can impact a marriage. They range from the occasional cold, to an unexpected accident, to chronic or terminal illness.

Here we consider long term or chronic illnesses, and serious conditions such as cancer, loss of a limb, diabetes, and life- altering disabilities. All of these test the “in sickness and in health” part of the couple’s marriage vow. Illness, especially chronic illness, changes the relationship with spouse, family, friends, social network, and God. Illness can bring out the best – and sometimes the worst – in both spouses.

A long or severe illness is usually a crisis- a turning point that can lead to ruin or renewal. A chronic or life-threatening illness creates a demand for a “new normalcy.” Not only do familiar daily patterns change, but also your expectations of how you will live, love, and share a mutual life. There is no going back to the way things were – only a going forward. At times it can feel like a roller coaster ride from hope to despair and back to hope. That’s normal. In addition to dealing with the illness itself, other issues that couples need to address include finances, ability to work, lifestyle, intimacy, and emotional and practical support for everyday life.

Dealing with the illness

This starts with understanding your illness and accessing the best medical treatment possible. Many people turn to the internet for assistance. This can be both a blessing and a curse. Which websites offer reliable help? How can you distinguish valid medical information from advertisements? See the websites below for a start. It’s crucial to have a strong network of support. Initially, many people want to help by bringing food, running errands, visiting, calling, and praying. As time goes on, however, many do not know how to give sustained help. The person with the illness and the caregiver(s) may fear asking too much or too often.

Suggestions

  • Keep building your support networks as you age. Make sure you ask many people who can give at least a little time rather than depending on one or two people to do it all. Draw from church groups, neighbors, friends, relatives, community support, and support groups of persons with similar illnesses. Try to have at least five good support friends, or more, to insure that one will usually be available to lend a hand. Depending too much on the same group of people can burn out the entire group.
  • Develop a mutually respectful relationship with your doctor(s). The less stress you feel about your medical care and frustration of dealing with the system, the better your chances for recovery.
  • The primary caregiver needs care too. If you are the caregiver, treat yourself with as much kindness and care as you do your ill spouse.
  • Take advantage of support groups for people with your illness. Look into partnering with a “patient navigator” to help you move through the medical system. Hospitals often sponsor support groups or can link you with a mentor.

Financial stressors

Some couples are blessed with insurance that covers expensive treatments when illness strikes. It may not cover lost income, however. When a wage earner loses a job, everything changes. You may need to draw down your savings and cultivate a simpler lifestyle. The illness may affect the kind of job your spouse needs to get.

If a couple is younger (especially if you are still in the active parenting stage) the financial stressors can be even greater. Some couples use up their resources and need to declare bankruptcy or hope to qualify for Medicaid.

Suggestions

  • While you’re still well, consult with a person who understands the financial issues involved with chronic illness and disability. Make sure you have both a short term and long term plan.
  • If it’s too late for the “while you are well” suggestion, do it now and lean on the medical support services to guide you.

Work

The loss of a job has repercussions besides loss of income. Identity is closely tied to one’s work. Work helps us feel productive, important, and useful. We may need to grieve the loss of this identity. Loss of employment also takes away important social networks. The caregiver may have to take on additional employment or household responsibilities. These role reversals can be difficult for both partners. Few people like depend on another for daily care. The ill spouse may feel guilty about burdening the caregiving spouse. Self-esteem takes a hit. Meanwhile, as generous and loving as the caregiver is, this “job” is time-consuming and draining.

Lifestyle and Recreation

The caregiver might have to do things that he or she had previously not done. The illness can become the focus of your life and everything can revolve around it: researching it, getting to/from treatment, dealing with side effects, doctor visits and support groups. Even cooking can be a challenge if the ill person needs a special diet or needs to be coaxed to eat. Recreational pursuits that both of you previously enjoyed may become physically impossible. Travel may be more difficult. This doesn’t mean you don’t have fun; you just have to be creative about finding new interests that fit changing physical abilities. Recreation may become more passive such as watching TV, movies, or going out to eat. The caregiver may need solo recreation such as working in the garden or going out with friends.

Suggestions

  • Careful planning can help couples work out treatment schedules, but make peace with the reality that the future is not knowable or predictable.
  • Keep a sense of humor. Make sure that each day includes some type of play and spiritual activity.
  • Do not let the illness become the primary organizing principle of your life, even though recreation might not be what you’re used to. Persons who do the best in treatment are those who continue to play, take short vacations or day trips, and continue to socialize to the extent they are able.

Intimacy and sex

Physical limitations, emotional and physical fatigue, financial pressures, and lack of time can all affect intimacy and lovemaking. Snuggling may replace sexual intercourse. Sometimes, even touching or holding is difficult. Many chronically ill people report that although sexual intercourse is limited or non-existent, emotional and spiritual closeness increases because of the shared trauma. Look for new ways to express your love so that you can sustain a caring, growing relationship.

Mental Illness

A spouse with mental illness presents an even more complicated situation. The disease is harder to “see” and often caries a stigma. Relative and friends may not be compassionate. It can be hard for the caregiver if the spouse is unwilling to accept help and follow treatment. The mentally ill person may show little gratitude for the efforts of the caregiving spouse. In this situation, a support group with an effective counselor is a must.

RESOURCES:

Hanks, Jerry and de Cordova-Hanks, Bobbie. Tears of Joy. Infinity Publishing, 2006.

Stephen Ministries trains and organizes lay people to provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people in a faith based setting.

The author acknowledges the Durham, NC Cancer Support Group for its help.

For Further Reading:

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Personality Differences

The Situation

John is outgoing and can talk easily to almost anyone. Sarah is more reserved and prefers socializing in small groups. She finds herself hurt and uncomfortable when John makes the rounds at parties, leaving her to fend for herself. He can’t understand why she prefers the wallflower approach.

Darrell is practical and pays close attention to details. It is second nature for him to keep careful records of how he spends money. Record keeping is not that important to Kate. She feels restricted when she has to stop and make note of every transaction, as Darrell would prefer.

Tracy is quick to notice people’s feelings and tries to avoid arguments. Chris is firm-minded and enjoys a good argument. He likes to analyze, and persuade with the use of logic. It frustrates him when Tracy says that he is not listening to her when he’s only trying to prove his point.

Michael wishes Anna would pay more attention to punctuality and get to places on time. He prefers life on a schedule and would not think of being late himself. Anna wishes that Michael would be more flexible and not get so uptight about 5 or 10 minutes.

All these couples are dealing with personality differences in their marriage relationships. Though the scenarios seem trivial, these differences can affect essential relational components such as compatibility, emotional support, cooperativeness and intimacy. The very traits that originally attracted and drew these couples together can later seem like flaws that need eliminating within the marriage.

How can couples avoid getting caught up in the power struggles of trying to change the other when their own particular way seems best? Henry Higgins in the musical, My Fair Lady, exemplifies this relational dilemma when he wonders why Eliza Dolittle can’t simply “be like me?”

A Response

The task of attempting to sculpt our marriage partner into our own likeness fails before it begins. God made us unique with our own particular style of “being,” and much of our personality patterns come with the package. The saying, “I’m OK, you’re OK” can be applied to personality differences, for it reflects that no one style is better than the other, and that our differences are an expression of our God-given diversity.

We each have natural inclinations in varying degrees from extroversion to introversion, as well as preference patterns for perceiving information, making decisions, and structuring our life and time. When we try to change our spouse’s natural personality patterns, we negate his or her essential goodness and usually cause resentment, hurt and distrust.

Understanding and Generosity

There is great value in exploring a couple’s personality match to gain a clearer understanding of self, our spouse, and how our styles impact our relationship. Identifying similarities and differences helps couples understand the dynamics of their relationship more clearly, but generosity towards each another is still key to personality compatibility. If we choose to see our differences as GIFTS, we are drawn towards greater acceptance. When we concentrate on our spouse’s strengths and complimentary style, we can appreciate and affirm rather than criticize. Since no personality style is better than another, we can choose to give up our superior attitudes as well.

Balance Leads to Harmony

We also tend to overuse personality patterns with which we are most comfortable. When this occurs, our corresponding limitations become more glaring. For example, the extrovert becomes overbearing or the introvert may appear non-communicative. It’s true we don’t tend to change our basic preferences, but we can develop maturity within our basic style for the sake of our marriage. A generous effort to curb our overuse of a pattern preference increases our own personality balance and brings harmony to the relationship.

Accepting one another’s personality differences is an ongoing process within marriage and is part of the couple’s spiritual growth. As spouses recognize each others’ patterns to be as valid as their own, they allow themselves to be influenced by them as well. Then the saying, “I’m OK, You’re OK” becomes a reality.

Suggested Resource

Many of us have been exposed to personality inventories through college or jobs. A great resource book for couples is, Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey. It contains a personality style assessment instrument and chapters on marriage and parenting.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

About the author
Judy Clark is Co-Director of Family and Adult Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plano, Texas and a licensed professional counselor.

For Further Reading:

Household Duties

The Situation

It’s not just the ‘uns’ that irritated Heidi: the unmade bed, the un-emptied dishwasher, the un-folded laundry. It was the fact that Sam had been home all day and was asleep when she returned from her extra weekend shift at the hospital. She was tired and resentful and felt that he hadn’t done his share of keeping up the apartment, but always had time to watch his favorite sit-coms and sporting events.

Sam was angry because he thought he was doing very well and that Heidi didn’t appreciate his efforts. He was doing more picking up and cleaning than he had ever done as a bachelor. He never left dirty dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. He took his turn at vacuuming and cooking meals and he thought Heidi was being a neat freak about the whole thing.

Hoping to buy a home soon, Sam and Heidi were both working overtime in order to pay down their school debts. As a result, they had very little free time together or money for recreation. They had agreed to share household tasks as well as cooking and shopping. But it wasn’t working out so well. Sam referred to his wife as “tidy Heidi” and she in turn called him “sloppy Sam.” Their conversations about a more equitable division of household chores ended in Sam’s increasing anger about Heidi’s not valuing his efforts and Heidi’s growing resentment that Sam didn’t take this seriously. They want to address this problem, but don’t know where to start.

A Response

In studies that measure marital satisfaction, the topic of sharing household duties is one of the primary sources of dissatisfaction for couples, especially in the early years of marriage and when both spouses work outside the home. Like other responsibilities that are shared in married life, homemaking is an important part of building a life-giving partnership, one that respects the dignity, the needs and the abilities of both spouses.

Sam and Heidi are wise to see the need for addressing this source of irritation in their relationship. When disagreements are swept under the rug they often grow in size and significance and become entangled with other issues, eventually becoming much larger problems than they started out to be. Some things Sam and Heidi can consider in finding an agreeable solution to this problem are the following:

  • How neat is neat? Sam and Heidi may have agreed on dividing up the labor, but not on what “neat” or “clean” means to each of them. Making a list of what needs to be done daily or weekly may help them to agree about what is absolutely necessary and what can be left undone till there is more time. In any partnership, there is always some giving in. Heidi may have to lower her standards about some things and Sam may have to raise his a bit.
  • It’s impossible to settle differences when there is name calling, labeling or blaming in the conversation. Research shows that healthy married couples avoid such behaviors as part of their promise to “love and honor” one another. Conflict resolution skills might help Heidi and Sam understand each other better, find an agreeable solution, and lessen the anger and resentment they feel toward each other.
  • Is there a problem under the problem? Sam and Heidi are overworked and have little time or money to enjoy themselves. The stress of too much time at work may be part of the cause for their resentment and anger over household tasks. Consulting a financial advisor about paying down their debt at a slightly slower pace may reduce the stress and make housekeeping less aggravating for both of them. If they buy a house one year later but have a happier, more satisfying marriage, they’ve made a good investment.
  • Sharing household responsibilities is a common source of irritation for couples. Talking with friends about how they have worked out their division of tasks may give Sam and Heidi some new ideas for addressing their own situation. They may discover that, like other couples, setting aside an evening or weekend time for working together on the apartment would be a more enjoyable way to get the tasks done.
  • There is no one perfect solution to the problem of household duties, or any other marriage conflict. Sam and Heidi can agree to try a variety of cleaning schedules, convenience products that lesson the burden of a task, or methods of doing things. After six months, they can re-evaluate and try something else. A marriage relationship is organic; spouses are always growing and changing as is the environment around them. Part of being faithful in marriage is being willing to try new ways of doing things when one way doesn’t work. As someone once said, marriage isn’t a hundred yard dash, it’s a marathon!

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including “For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage,” Loyola Press, 2008.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Disillusionment

Many couples today are older, more mature, and have more life experience than couples who married a generation or two ago. Does that mean they enter marriage without the rose-colored glasses that blinds them to their spouse’s shadow side? Maybe not.

Human nature doesn’t change much from generation to generation. Most couples still enter marriage with high hopes and ideals. But if couples fully understood the ramifications of “I do,” would anyone be brave enough to commit? Perhaps it’s like becoming a parent. At the time of conception we may have been fully committed to bringing a new life into the world. As a child grows, however, parents often wonder what they were thinking.

Disillusionment can arise out of silly little things such as fixating on the personality quirks or annoying habits of your spouse. Does she chatter on about insignificant details while you are trying to read the sports page? Does he fuss that your cleaning efforts aren’t up to his standards?

The most common (and perhaps troubling) disillusionment, however, often is phrased as “I just don’t know if I love him (her) anymore.” It’s usually accompanied by a general feeling of loss of excitement and passion for your spouse. You wonder where the romantic feelings of earlier days went. Life might be OK. Nothing tragic or earth-shattering has happened, but it all just seems dull or boring. Is this all that marriage is supposed to be?

Fortunately, both the minor disillusionments and not “feeling” love can often be helped by attending a marriage enrichment program. Marriage enrichment is not meant for couples who have serious problems. It’s for ordinary couples who want to grow closer together or who move their relationship out of a rut.

Marriage enrichment programs will not tell you whose cleaning standards are the right ones. They will usually enhance your communication skills for resolving this yourself. They’ll give you special time away to rediscover and renew your love.

Major disillusionments usually require specialized programs and/or counseling.

For Further Reading:

Careers

At first, it probably sounds simple. Get a job to pay the bills so we can live happily ever after. But jobs take a lot of time and sometimes that time is stolen from the time that the marriage relationship needs.

Factor in that there are jobs and then there are careers and things get even more complicated. Generally, a job is considered something one does for pay, but it does not necessarily require specialized education. A career is a job that you get paid for. It requires dedication to the field of work, plus you are expected to progress in knowledge and commitment over time.

Careers are usually more satisfying than jobs. The rub for married couples is when the career decisions of one spouse conflict or compete with the marriage, family responsibilities, or the career of the other spouse. It’s a matter of discernment and juggling. The balancing act is often not easy. Following are some things to consider when making career decisions.

How much money do we need?

Ignore the temptation to give the flip answer “as much as possible.” A need is different from a want. Sure, it might be nice to have a swimming pool, a fancy car, or an upscale address (choose your luxury), but what is really necessary are the basics: food, clothing, shelter, health care, safety, and care for any children you may have. It’s OK to splurge occasionally but be sure to weigh the cost against the impact these things will have on couple and family time.

Should both of us work outside the home?

This is a complicated question with many variables, such as:

1. How necessary is the double income to survive?

2. How invested are each of us in our jobs or careers?

  • Would it be possible for one of us to take a leave from our career for a time and re-enter without undue penalty later?
  • Could one of us work part-time?
  • Could each of us work half-time?
  • Could one of us stay current in our field and feel fulfilled by doing volunteer work?

3. Do we have young children, teens, or aging parents who need attention and personalized supervision?

4. If we have young children, do we have reliable childcare providers who share our values and discipline beliefs?

5. Do we both strongly want to work outside the home?

What if our careers create conflict between us?

Some careers may put a marriage at risk because they are all-consuming. The job becomes a mistress or an addiction. It not only takes time but also energy, away from the marriage. Sometimes the workplace provides the temptation to pursue an extramarital affair. Following are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Does your career require a time commitment of significantly over 40 hours per week?

2. Does your career require a lot of out-of-town travel?

3. Is your career so foreign to your spouse that it’s hard to share the nature of your work, at least in a general way?

4. Does your spouse’s work setting put him/her in frequent, intense working relationships with the opposite sex? Are your marital commitment and boundaries clear? Does the workplace support your marriage or put it at risk?

What are some ways to keep work, marriage, and family in balance?

Generally, work and children take their time off the top of a relationship. Work provides necessary income and includes built-in accountability, i.e. a boss, wages, and reviews. Children make demands, plus we are responsible for their well-being.

The challenge is to give work and children their due but to balance them with what’s needed to keep a marriage strong. The temptation is to let the marriage go on autopilot because you’re both adults, you know you love each other, and you can let it slide for a while when jobs or kids are demanding your time. The key phrase is “for a while.” Indeed, most marriages can absorb temporary spurts of attention to an urgent work project or an ailing parent. But it’s easy for a temporary crisis to slide into an ongoing pattern. To avoid this it’s helpful to have some regular marital practices that can prevent the balance from getting out of hand. For example:

1. Commit to a weekly date. This might not always involve spending money or going out, but it should be a sacred time to renew your relationship and do something fun together.

2. Agree on how many hours of extra work (at the office or brought home) you can tolerate as a couple. Where do you draw the line and say it’s time to look for a different job?

3. Share what you love and hate about your work with your spouse so you stay connected with each other.

4. If necessary, lower your housekeeping standards (or pay someone to do chores you could do yourselves) to maximize couple/family time.

5. Include your spouse in work travel and parties when possible.

6. Staggering work schedules to minimize child care can be good for your relationship with your child but hard on the marriage. Make sure that your only together time is not while one is sleeping.

7. If you need to gain couple-time, say no to nice but non-essential tasks such as:

  • baking cookies for the PTA
  • chairing a charity fundraiser
  • going to events that you can’t do as a couple
  • going to events that you don’t really care about but are in the habit of attending
  • TV, videos, and computer gaming- can be time wasters

Prioritize

There are so many important and wonderful things we want to do with our time. How do we decide what to do and what to give up or do later?

The bottom line is:

  1. Marriage first (This is the vocation to which you committed yourself.)
  2. Children second (Your children may take more raw time, but not at the expense of your marriage. A healthy marriage is good for your children.)
  3. Job third (Again, your job may take more hours, but don’t let it rule your life.)
  4. Service and Recreation (Good and healthy to do, but make sure the other bases are covered.)

For Further Reading:

Newly Married

The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship.

Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage (Kreider, 2005), with the highest incidence of divorce coming in year three (Kurdek, 1999). Why?

Sometimes it’s a poor choice of spouse. Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning, or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly.

Others fall prey to the stresses of early marriage. Some of these stresses might be age-related. Young couples may not have developed the emotional maturity, coping and communication skills, or financial savvy to navigate the many decisions thrust upon them early in their marriage. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience.

Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

According to research done by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000), the top three issues for couples during the first five years of marriage are time, sex, and money:

A. Time
You would think that combining households would simplify life and save time. But newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same.

Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority. An all-consuming job, however, like a mistress, can steal attention from your spouse. You may need to agree on how many extra hours you can reasonably work. Carving out quality time for the two of you can require sacrifice, such as cutting back on personal hobbies or workouts at the gym. At some point you may need to summon the courage to look for a different job … or work out together.

B. Sex
Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems with the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. Reread “Time” above. See also Sex and Intimacy for more on this.

C. Money
Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

Another issue is: “Who has the power?” Many couples consider themselves egalitarian – “We’ll share everything.” Then she finds herself uncomfortable with the loose way he spends “their” hard-earned money and he’s annoyed by the way she hoards it. See Finances for more on this.

Other issues include parenting, religious differences, and conflict resolution. Sometimes, the very issues that should bring a couple together, such as a child, faith, and communication, also cause strain. Because couples care so strongly about these things, they are both potential dividers and bonders.

The arrival of a child brings joy – and stress. Parents can feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a child, in addition to the loss of privacy and freedom. Parenting is hard work and when spouses are tired, they get irritable, just like kids.

Shared faith can bind the spouses together. It also requires that a couple talks about their different approaches to spirituality and God. Some people would rather ignore this part of life out of fear, guilt, or bad experiences. Good communication skills, compromise, unselfishness, and an open mind can help you work through the above issues.

So what can you do when you experience these normal stresses of life in the newlywed lane?

  • Gather with other newlyweds. You’ll find you’re not alone.
  • Keep dating. Prioritize quality time together.
  • Confide in other couples who have recently walked this road. They can help you sort out what’s normal and what is not. They can console you because they’ve been there and comfort you with stories of how it could be worse. Many Catholic parishes offer trained mentor couples for their engaged and newly married couples. Check it out.
  • Take advantage of marriage education and enrichment opportunities (books, videos, programs).
  • Seek professional help if an issue begins to separate you.

Resources:

  • Charis Ministries | Founded in 2000, Charis Ministries reaches those in their 20’s and 30’s throughout the country, nurturing their faith through retreats based in Ignatian Spirituality. Charis’ Christ Alive in Our Marriage retreat invites couples in their first five years of marriage to reflect on how Christ is alive in their marriages, and how they are called to make Christ Alive in our world. Visit the website for more information on the retreat, and to find a schedule of upcoming retreats.
  • Ministry to the Newly Married | a mentoring-based parish program for newlyweds with the goal of fostering the couple’s relationship skills and broadening their understanding of each other, and of living out the Sacrament of Marriage. Offered by Agape Catholic Ministries.
  • “Time, Sex and Money,” | America (2001), based on a study by the Center for Marriage and Family, Creighton University, 2000

For Further Reading:

Addictions

If you or your spouse in the past month has taken a drink first thing in the morning to help you recover from a hangover you may be dealing with an addiction problem. There are other possible symptoms, as well. For instance, as a person with an alcohol addiction, you may have gotten home from a party in one piece, and even though your car went up on the lawn a bit, you were able to park it and get into the house. But if you don’t know how that scratch on the rear bumper got there, you are showing addiction symptoms.

You may tell yourself, “It must have been someone else who did that” but this is part of your denial. Maybe you say, “What’s the big deal, almost all of my friends are serious drinkers. They drink way more than I ever do.” Such rationalizations also indicate a problem. Most people with an alcohol problem will report that they know exactly how much they drink each night, although they usually lowball the number. They may say, “It’s not even the hard stuff, it’s only wine or a couple of beers.” If your wife or husband complains about it, you write it off as just so much nagging.

If any of this is familiar, or if you or someone close to you thinks you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, most likely you do. If you have a loved one who has this problem you need to get help. Substance abuse and addictions do not disappear; rather, they only get worse when left untreated. Substance abuse, which includes alcohol addiction, is a major problem in the United States, and it is a major source of marital breakups and family problems. It affects all the members of the family, not just the ones abusing drugs or alcohol.

Individuals with alcohol or other substance addictions have a distorted sense of reality. They will justify hiding their addiction from family and friends. They might even explain that they drink or escape through drugs to deal with a spouse who makes life difficult, or because they have a stressful job, or their children are such problems.

When their addiction worsens – and it will – they will say that the police were unjustified when they got the DUI, or that this was just a one-time fluke. Even when they begin to have blackouts- memory lapses due to the intoxication- they can deny this to you and themselves.

In addition to the person with the addiction, there is often a spouse who suffers from co-dependency. One of the definitions of co-dependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family that is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. A co-dependent person tries to control everything within the relationship- but can’t.

“Recovery” for co-dependent spouses comes when they eventually address their own needs instead of tolerating mistreatment or trying to rescue their spouse. Whether the addictive behavior is relatively minor or more serious, often it is the co-dependent spouse who starts the recovery process by first addressing his or her own need for assertiveness plus improving listening and communication skills. Counseling can bring awareness of dysfunctional behaviors, and help the couple develop new, healthier coping skills.

The denial that accompanies an addiction is a family problem because it often includes the spouse as well. Spouses may cover up for their partner, make excuses, and call an employer to say he/she is sick when it is really a hangover. They will overlook the fender bender accident. Most of all they tolerate the lack of physical and emotional availability from their spouse due to their “affair” with drugs or alcohol.

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as A.A., and the other 12-step programs are a great resource. Meetings are held morning, noon, and night. Individuals get the support of a sponsor- someone who has gone through the process of recovery and lives their life fully. These people are models of living a life of sobriety. For the spouse of someone with an addiction, as well as for their children, there are Al-anon and Narconon meetings. They support, encourage, and help the co-dependent spouse to stop the ways that he or she may have inadvertently been enabling the addicted person.

With the emergence of the internet, sexual addictions have become an even greater problem. Sexual addictions can range from masturbation to pornographic magazines and videos, to infidelity and paying for sex. It may even be as pathological as breaking into apartments and raping unsuspecting residents. This stage of sexual addiction requires major intervention and usually results in criminal charges as well. Whatever the magnitude of sexual addiction, the one thing all have in common is that the need for sex is more important than the addict’s feelings for his/her spouse.

Addictions are often ruinous to a marriage if they are allowed to continue. They are compulsive behaviors that are usually fueled by deeply seated anger or fear of intimacy. You might be married to a person who was shamed in early childhood. They might have had poor or no sexual education, experienced a parent who sexually acted out, or had serious childhood trauma. They may be a victim of incest or sexual abuse. Sexual acting out in these compulsive ways, as well as other addictions, often indicate emotional pain. They are also used as a substitute for true intimacy.

Treatment often takes the form of individual, marital, and group therapy. Key tasks for recovery include, first and foremost, breaking through the denial. Sometimes this requires that the co-dependent spouse first break his or her own denial and also learn about the addiction process and how one goes about establishing sobriety. Then it is a matter of getting the addict/alcoholic to start a treatment plan. For many, A.A. or N.A. can be an effective solution. For others, it can be the starting point in combination with therapy.

Sometimes it is necessary to create an intervention. This is a well-prepared and pre-planned meeting with a professional counselor, family, friends, and perhaps colleagues from work who meet with the addicted person. The participants confront the person with the addiction and the consequences that the addicted behaviors are having on the family, friends, and workplace. Usually, there is a pre-arranged treatment plan that may include an initial hospital phase, either as an in-patient or outpatient. Hospitalization may be necessary for those who have serious drug or alcohol dependency problems and who need detoxification as a first step. Professionals can provide more information. After this initial phase of treatment, it is a matter of establishing sobriety and creating a healthier environment to support continued sobriety. This phase is not easy, as there may be setbacks. This is where 12-step programs are particularly valuable in reinforcing motivation.

Couple therapy is also an essential part of recovery. A spouse may not be able to recognize the need for his or her involvement, but recovery is much more successful when both spouses are involved. If the addicted person attends A.A., and the spouse possibly attends Al-anon meetings, plus they receive marriage counseling, the marital relationship is more likely to stabilize and the couple can work through the trauma they experienced from the addicted partner’s behaviors. There is also Retrouvaille, a program for married couples who are hurting. It is not specifically for addictions, but it does assist any couple that has experienced a major disillusionment.

With addictions comes the need for reconciliation and forgiveness for the damage caused in the marriage. With help, hard work, and the right kind of support, many couples can heal their marriage and create a new and healthier marital life- something they could not have imagined while amid their crisis. With time, patience, and persistence trust can be restored and a new level of intimacy reached. By moving beyond the initial denial and earnestly working each recovery step, a couple can heal and reclaim a life of sobriety from addictive behaviors.

RESOURCES:

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Al-anon is for spouses, children, parents, or close friends of alcoholics or teens dealing with alcohol problems.

Narconon is a non-profit drug rehabilitation program dedicated to eliminating drug abuse and drug addiction.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use or Addiction (list of support groups, help for parents, and more)

Celebrate Recovery: A Christ-Centered Recovery Program

The Calix Society: An association of recovering Catholic alcoholics, their families, and friends, with an emphasis on spiritual activities

Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi with a long i) means “rediscovery.” It consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over three months. The main emphasis is on communication between husband and wife. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend.

StartYourRecovery.org offers people who are dealing with substance use issues a single source of reputable, objective information about signs, symptoms, conditions, treatment options, and resources — presented in a user-friendly format and in language that’s easy to understand.

The Third Option is a group program for marriages. It combines 14 unique skill-building workshops, sharing by mentor couples who have overcome marital problems, and support groups. Because it uses a “self-change” model, one spouse may come alone.

About the author
Donald J. Paglia, MS, CAGS, is the Co-Director of the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Hartford.

Spirituality and Faith

Many people think of spirituality as something connected to organized religion. Certainly that is one path to spirituality. Some people also consider being spiritual as the opposite of being physical. If it has to do with the body it doesn’t have to do with spirituality. Actually, spirituality touches the lives of those who go to religious services and those who don’t. It touches our physical selves as well as our souls, or unseen selves.

One newly-married wife said that she had been raised in a very religious family, but when she met her fiancé she stopped practicing her faith. He did not have a strong religious background and had no desire for a faith community, though he believed in God. Over the last year, however, she began to feel a need to attend church again. She discovered that when she goes to church she feels more peaceful. He discovered that they get along better. Even though he still does not go to church, he supports her desire to go. They both realize it will be a challenge when they have children, although he has no objection to raising them in her religious tradition.

Couples like this one do not share the way they express their spirituality, but they respect each other for the way they live out their spiritual lives. This is key. Couples who do share the same faith expression experience many benefits. Worshiping together helps them to feel closer. In difficult times their shared reliance on religious beliefs can bring comfort.

Spirituality influences how we view the world and relationships. After 9/11, the United States saw a kind of spiritual awakening. Attendance at religious services increased and people talked about the meaning of life and the spirit of sacrifice. Married couples talked more openly about their love for each another and not taking the other for granted.

For most people, the desire for a spiritual dimension in their life is strong and finding a way to express it is a quest. We live out, as best we can, what we believe is a good life in conformity with our values. This sometimes puts us at odds with our culture. “Love does no evil to the neighbor;” says St. Paul in his letter to the Romans, “therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.” Our efforts to live a good life, to live with love as our north star, will be the hallmark of our spiritual selves.

For Further Reading:

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict resolution is really a subset of communication, but for most couples, communication does not become problematic until there is a disagreement. Even though conflict may be rooted in poor listening skills, lack of affirmation, or clumsy expression of feelings, it deserves special attention because this is where couples most hurt.

Some couples resolve conflicts easily because they have easy- going personalities. Others have had good modeling from their family of origin. But at some point all couples face an issue, a disagreement, a fight that challenges their calm and their skills. It’s connected with the reality that our lives are connected.

When two people share living space, habits, dreams, and often children, there are bound to be times that they think differently and have different opinions on how to handle a situation. If this doesn’t ever occur, it is likely that one partner is avoiding a confrontation, submerging his/her identity, or always giving in. None of these is healthy for marriage over the long haul.

For Further Reading:

Common Values

My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have led marriage preparation programs for 30 of those years. We estimate that over that time we’ve prepared over 5,000 couples for marriage. I’m not sure if that makes us experts or outdated and, therefore, irrelevant. I can tell you the obvious – that times have changed and we have changed.

Early in my career, when I taught high school or college students about marriage, I’d say that communication was the key to choosing a mate and keeping a marriage healthy. I’ve changed my mind.

Good communication is not enough

Yes, good communication is essential to a thriving marriage, BUT, it is not sufficient and probably not the most important criterion for choosing a mate. I say this because in my counseling I repeatedly came across couples who had learned the right communication skills and could use them. They knew how to use “I statements,” listen to the whole person, and use active listening. They were often fine, caring men and women, but they had serious difficulty living together happily- not at the beginning, but after several years.

The bottom line often came down to either very different personalities or very different values. The other significant variable was the inability of at least one partner to make a lasting commitment.

Personalities cannot easily be changed, so it’s a red flag when dating couples have very different personalities. Complementary personalities, however, can also be an advantage. For example, she’s a talker, he’s a listener, or he’s a detail person, she sees the big picture. Often people with different personalities can work out accommodations as long as the difference is not too extreme or on too many different fronts. I tell my students that it’s fine to differ on one or two elements of the Myers- Briggs Type Indicator, but if you differ on three or four and the differences are great, you’ll probably have a lot of stress in your marriage.

Common values, however, can be a deal breaker. If one spouse values a simple lifestyle and the other values accumulating wealth, it doesn’t matter how well they communicate, their basic life orientation will present constant opportunities for conflict. If one spouse values faith and the other resents religion, conflict is inevitable. This doesn’t mean that both spouses have to have the same religion, but both must value a spiritual dimension of life.

Another important common value is one’s attitude towards having children. One partner may really want children and feels marriage would not be complete without a child, while the other is ambivalent or, worse, thinks children would impinge upon their lifestyle. Good communication can only clarify this difference, not solve it.

Likewise, if one spouse believes that career is the top priority and the other puts family first, the argument will be eternal- either by outward criticism and fighting or by going underground with general dissatisfaction or depression. Whether one spouse should stay home with young children is a subcategory of this issue.

Different beliefs about respect for human life and other moral values are deeply rooted. Getting new information and talking through differences usually only lead spouses to realize that they have vastly different life goals and values. These will not change without violating one’s integrity and conscience.

Yes, communication is vital, and if couples don’t have good communication skills, learning them can be a marriage saver. But if the values are significantly different, it’s unlikely that even the best communication will be enough.

Is it too late?

This is fine, you may say, for engaged couples who have not yet made a marriage commitment, but what about us married couples? Is it too late? Can value differences be fixed or changed? The answer is that prevention is always preferable but seldom is a situation hopeless. A lot depends on the severity of differences and whether there are compromises that both spouses can tolerate.

I would never want a spouse to violate his/her conscience in order to please a mate, but sometimes one spouse may be too scrupulous. Over time they may learn that not everything is black and white. On the other hand, a spouse who rationalizes away ethical decisions, saying they are unimportant, may, with commitment and effort, develop a more sensitive conscience. It’s not easy, though, since these are lifelong behavioral patterns.

Sometimes a couple can agree to disagree on a few values and live their lives in different spheres. For example, one night a week she goes to a prayer group and he plays his favorite sport. He supports her and does not interfere with her Sunday worship, even though he doesn’t find it important for himself.

Most serious value differences require counseling. That’s the bottom line.

Try a short exercise to determine how close you and your spouse are on basic marriage values.

COMMON VALUES ASSESSMENT

Circle the values that are most important to you. Consider that some values may initially appeal to you but upon deeper reflection (the statement that follows each value) you realize that you don’t always hold them as a priority. Then rank them in importance from 1-14. Discuss with your fiancé(e) or spouse.

1. Honesty. Yes, but sometimes it’s OK to fudge.

2. Commitment. Sure, but some commitments are just too hard to keep.

3. Fidelity. I don’t plan on having an affair but who knows the future.

4. Loyalty. It might be necessary to violate a loyalty if another’s safety is at risk.

5. Devotion to parents. Parents are important, but my spouse comes first.

6. Generosity. I’ll give, but only after I’ve taken care of myself.

7. Peacemaking. Sometimes evil needs to be confronted, even with violence.

8. Living simply. I work hard for my money. Why can’t I enjoy its rewards?

9. Kindness. Some people are too kind and others take advantage of them.

10. Self-control. I believe in being flexible and spontaneous, not being uptight.

11. Education. Education is over-rated. I wouldn’t sacrifice my current wants for it.

12. Sacrifice. Suffering and delayed gratification have no use and are to be avoided.

13. Friendship. Friends are nice, but family and spouse are more important.

14. Children. I value my freedom more.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.