Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

Natural Family Planning FAQs

What does the Catholic Church teach about married love?

Marriage is an intimate, lifelong partnership in which husbands and wives give and receive love unselfishly. The sexual relationship expresses their married love and shows what it means to become “one body” (Genesis 2:24) and “one flesh” (Mark 10:8, Matthew 19:6). The sexual union is meant to express the full meaning of a couple’s love, its power to bind them together “the unitive aspect of marriage “and “its openness to new life” the procreative aspect.

What does this have to do with contraception?

The Church believes that God has established an inseparable bond between the unitive and procreative aspects of marriage. The couple has promised to give themselves to each other, and this mutual self-giving includes the gift of their fertility. This means that each sexual act in a marriage needs to be open to the possibility of conceiving a child. “Thus, artificial contraception is contrary to God’s will for marriage because it separates the act of conception from sexual union” (United States Catholic Catechism for Adults, p. 409).

A couple need not desire to conceive a child in every act of intercourse. But they should never suppress the life-giving power that is part of what they pledged in their marriage vows.

Are couples expected to leave their family size entirely to chance?

No. Serious circumstances “financial, physical, psychological, or those involving responsibilities to other family members” may affect the number and spacing of children. The Church understands this, while encouraging couples to take a generous view of children.

What should a couple do if they have a good reason to avoid having a child?

A married couple can engage in intercourse during the naturally infertile times in a woman’s cycle, or after childbearing years, without violating the meaning of marital intercourse. This is the principle behind natural family planning (NFP).

What is Natural Family Planning?

Natural family planning is a general name for family planning methods based on a woman’s menstrual cycle. NFP methods are based on day-to-day observations of the naturally occurring signs of the fertile and infertile phases of the menstrual cycle. It takes into account the uniqueness of each woman. A man is fertile throughout his life, while a woman is fertile for only a few days each cycle during the childbearing years. A woman experiences clear, observable signs that show when she is fertile and infertile. To avoid pregnancy, the couple abstains from intercourse during the fertile phase. Couples can also use NFP to achieve pregnancy because it identifies the time of ovulation.

Who can use NFP?

Any married couple can use NFP. A woman need not have regular cycles. The key to successful NFP use is cooperation and communication between husband and wife.

How effective is NFP?

NFP can be very effective, depending on how strongly motivated the couple is and whether they follow the rules of the method. Couples who carefully follow all the rules to avoid pregnancy can achieve a success rate of 97-98%.

“The key to successful NFP use is cooperation and communication between husband and wife.”

What are the benefits of using NFP?

  • Shared responsibility by husband and wife
  • Virtually cost-free
  • No harmful side effects
  • Can be used throughout the childbearing years
  • Can be used in special circumstances such as post-partum, breastfeeding, and premenopause

How can we learn to use NFP?

The best way to learn NFP is from a qualified instructor-one who is certified from an NFP teacher training program. Your Diocesan NFP Coordinator can help you to find an NFP class in your area.

To learn NFP in a correspondence course or online, see this NFP provider list.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains a list of additional correspondence courses.

For more information:

For Further Reading:

What Makes Marriage Work

Communication

What is the one indispensable ingredient for making marriages work? Family life educators usually answer: communication. This is good news, because effective communication can be learned. Skills such as active listening, using “I” statements, paying attention to my feelings and those of my spouse, and learning tips for “fighting fair” make marriage easier. Some couples use these skills intuitively because they saw them modeled in their own upbringing. Others can learn them through classes, workshops and reading.

Of course, the hardest part of communicating usually comes when there is disagreement between the two of you.

Commitment and Common Values

Some ingredients, if missing, can doom a relationship from the start. Two primary ones are commitment and common values.

Commitment bonds a couple together when you are tired, annoyed, or angry with each other. Sometimes, remembering your vows can prompt you to push past these problems and try to forgive and start again.

Common values are important. If you aren’t together on basic values such as children, honesty, fidelity, and putting family before work, no amount of learning or effort of the will can resolve the conflict. For example, constant tension will result if one spouse wants to live simply while the other wants life’s luxuries.

Spirituality/Faith

You might not consider yourself a spiritual person; however, anyone who seeks the deeper meaning of life, and not a life focused on personal pleasure, operates out of a spiritual sense. For many this desire is expressed in commitment to a specific faith tradition. Here one joins with others to worship God and work for the common good.

Although being a person of faith is not essential to making your marriage work, it’s a bonus. Certainly good people throughout the ages have had happy marriages and not all of them have been religious. But it helps to have faith principles to guide you and a faith community to encourage your commitment.

Middle Years

For most couples, parenting is the most distinctive feature of this stage. It may be compared to the middle years of childhood (ages 5-12), which is sometimes called the latency stage. Although the child continues to grow, this growth tends to be steady and without significant turmoil.

Some couples-the “sandwich” generation-find themselves taking care of children plus aging parents. Meanwhile, their marriage and personal needs may be pushed into the background, unless a crisis erupts. Couples in the middle stage of marriage often must renegotiate household, financial, and parenting tasks. The stress of these multiple adjustments helps explain why the marriage satisfaction rate drops significantly for parents with young children (Twenge, Campbell & Foster, 2003)

While rearing children can unite parents in a common venture, it also changes the marriage irreversibly. There is more to argue about and less time for conversation, play and sexual intimacy.

During the teen years, parents generally find that they need more emotional than physical energy. Parents stress out over how strict or lenient they should be with their teens. Parents begin to lose control over their teens, but they still bear the responsibility of parenting without the rewards of children who look up to them as if they walked on water. Marital dissatisfaction decreases significantly for most couples during the teen years.

Couples who do not have children have their own issues to deal with. They may want children and have been dealing with infertility. If many of their friends have children they may they feel left out. They may be so consumed with career or extended family obligations that their marriage relationship has become stale.

Stages of Marriage

The psychologist Paul Tournier said, “I’ve been married six times – all to the same woman.” Tournier explained that he never got divorced, but rather his marriage transitioned from one stage to another.

All healthy marriages experience change and transition. That’s what keeps them alive and growing. Some of the stages of growth are predictable, others are not.

We provide an Overview of the Stages of Marriage. Then, for simplicity, we’ve divided marriage into chronological time frames:

Not all marriages fit neatly into these categories. Those in second marriages may find times shortened; however, certain developmental tasks generally take place during each stage.

“All healthy marriages experience change and transition. That’s what keeps them alive and growing.”

Another way of looking at transitions in marriage is through cycles of growth. Most relationships move through cycles that include:

  • Romance
  • Disillusionment
  • Mature Love

In this framework, the stages emerge more quickly, with disillusionment often coming soon after the honeymoon. Mature love evolves-hopefully-after several years of marriage.

In The 7 Stages of Marriage (2007), Harrar and DeMaria identify the stages as:

  • Passion
  • Realization
  • Rebellion
  • Cooperation
  • Reunion
  • Explosion
  • Completion

However you describe it, the essential point is that marriage is a process. It evolves. It helps to know what to expect at the various stages. Otherwise, normal transitions may be misinterpreted as loss of love or reasons to divorce.

Death of a Spouse

Finding Hope, Healing and Purpose After the Death of a Spouse

My first wife died in 1998 after a long illness. I was 41, widowed, and an only parent to two young boys. Now what? Many days I toiled with despair, hopelessness and questions. Many questions. St. Paul writes in Romans 8:28, “We know in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” To be honest, it’s hard to see the light when you’re in the thicket of grief. His purpose was not my purpose. But fifteen years later, through God’s grace, that has changed. The suffering we all went through has today revealed a beautiful ministry of hope, healing and purpose.

Below are portions from my memoir, The Greatest Gift-A Return to Hope.

~~~~

I wrote the vast majority of this book seven to eight years after Ann died. I think I needed some smooth waters to sail my boat on. I penned my words in, of all places, my dining room, on the same table Ann and I bought when we were first married. The same table she made things on, and at which the four of us enjoyed many great meals together.

As I wrote, things seemed to fall into my lap, like phone calls from old friends at just the right time with more descriptive views of what happened. I found writings that Ann made years ago and I think she’d hope they would find their way into print. It felt like all these years later, Ann was still orchestrating things.

We have all moved on now, the boys and I, and all who loved Ann. It’s what she wanted us to do and with her help, we have. You can’t go around grief, the circle brings you back. You march through it. Through the storms, sometimes crying with your head slung low off your shoulders, aching from your heels to your ears, and ironically, it’s the pain that gets you through the pain. Living it, owning it, allowing it to take up residence in you for a while, pouring out your tears to the moon on some bench in the middle of the night, your agonizing screams cutting through the thin cold air.

It’s the pain that gets you through the pain. You follow it. You feel it. It beats you down and builds you back up. It leaves you empty so you can be full again. Without this pain, you’re lost and numb, following a path that leads you back to the same bench and the same screams, slightly muted maybe, a different day, all else untouched.

Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. She’ll always be with me. I have relocated her now to an accepting part of my heart that comforts the memories and messages. She more than anyone has made me into the person I am today. I have merged back into traffic, the wind at my back, a smile on my face, and joy back in my heart. I feel lucky to have lived a good part of my life with her, and every time I look at my two handsome sons she comes back to me and reminds me of what we once had. That can never be taken away. That’s forever.

This journey took me to classrooms I would never have seen and taught me things I would never have known. I know now that the lessons are not in the hardships, they are choosing how to respond to them. I first learned how to grieve, and then I learned how to live. We are all faced with adversity in our lives, some more profound than others, but all these challenges we deal with are designed to teach us something, and when they don’t, it’s no one’s fault but our own.

At the end of her life, Ann gave back all she had left to give and took nothing with her but the love she had for us in her heart. She told me on one of those final days that she felt “blessed to have loved and been loved my so many wonderful people.”

We were blessed too.

~~~~

The ministry of hope, healing, and purpose is called Good Mourning Ministry, a Catholic bereavement apostolate, co-founded by my wife Sandy and myself. Sandy has been through her own grief journey, and we now feel called to help others who mourn. This ministry was founded in 2011, but the call from above came in 2010 during time before our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

I have come to learn there are no stages to grief. We all experience loss in our own unique way. Healing is an intentional process, where we gather together as a community of faith to become disciples of hope. It is through prayerful reflection, practical learning and personal fellowship that we mourn. And in mourning we begin to build our bridge to a new and different life.

Sandy and I have held over 40 “Grieving with Great Hope” workshops with Catholic parishes throughout Michigan and Ohio, supporting the needs of over 1000 grieving people. The “Grieving with Great Hope” DVD Series is now in many parishes throughout the country. “Every parish should have your program. We are so grateful to have found GWGH and welcome it to Central Texas.”  – Deacon Tim and Liz Hayden, Holy Family Parish Copperas Cove, TX.

Sandy and I have not only lived our own grief journeys, but we are now educated as well. In addition to being a published author, I am a Certified Grief Counselor. Sandy has a Master’s in Pastoral Ministry, emphasis in bereavement. Above all else, we too are disciples of HOPE. We are blessed.

For more information about The Greatest Gift or Good Mourning Ministry, please visit our website at http://www.goodmourningministry.net, or email us: goodmourningministry@hotmail.com.

Good Mourning Ministry is a Catholic bereavement apostolate. Our mission is to be a transformative ministry, to be bearers of hope and healing to those who mourn the loss of a loved one. The “Grieving with Great Hope” workshops are prayerful, practical and personal. About one-third of the time is spent in church, some of which is before the exposed Blessed Sacrament. The remaining time is used for learning and sharing in small groups. For more information, visit www.goodmourningministry.net.

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Marriage Readiness

Having a successful marriage means more than FINDING the right person. It means BEING the right person. Sometimes, the FINDING part is easier. You can go to places where singles congregate. You can join clubs, pursue hobbies, or become active in religious or civic organizations. With any luck, you’ll meet the one you consider Mr. or Ms. Right.

BEING the right person can be tougher. Are you easy to live with, generous, flexible, and willing to put your beloved’s needs before your own? Above all, are both of you mature?

Maturity means knowing who you are:

  • Your talents
  • Your weaknesses
  • Your interests
  • The things you hate to do
  • The values that you will not compromise
  • The preferences that you are willing to bend on
  • What you want out of life and marriage

Out of this self- knowledge comes the possibility of giving oneself freely to your beloved.

For Further Reading:

Church Teachings

Is it true that an annulment does not affect the legitimacy of a married couple’s children? Or that Natural Family Planning can be an effective method for regulating the number and spacing of children? (The answer to both questions is “YES.”)

“Perhaps you know the ‘bottom line’ but don’t understand why the Church teaches as it does?”

Many couples wonder what, exactly, the Catholic Church teaches about important moral issues, like:

These articles offer helpful FAQs about the Church’s teaching. If you’d like to learn more about any of these teachings, or other parts of the Catholic faith, here are definitive sources for information about Catholic teaching:

Celebrating Advent as a Family

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says: “Prayer is the life of the new heart. It ought to animate us at every moment…But we cannot pray ‘at all times’ if we do not pray at specific times, consciously willing it” (CCC 2697). We come before the Lord with a desire for “a new heart” when we find time for prayer throughout our day. The Church invites us to pray in many different ways. We can recite the Rosary, pray the liturgy of the hours, learn about the lives of the saints, celebrate the liturgical year through feast days, lift up our hearts in song or silence, and above all participate in the celebration of the Holy Eucharist. If we take time to pray at “specific times,” our home will be filled with prayer at “all times.”

The season of Advent (from the Latin word “adventus,” meaning “coming”) is the time of preparation for the birth of Christ. It is a time of longing and waiting for his coming. It should be a time filled with joy when we ponder the gift of God’s love, open our hearts to receive, and open our hands to give. Advent begins the liturgical year. It begins on the Sunday closest to the last day in November.

Advent traditions are numerous. We do not always know their exact origin, but they have lived in the faithful’s hearts. If traditions are lived and understood, they can bring families closer to Christ and transform the hearts of those who participate in them. How can we introduce some Advent traditions into our families this Advent season?

Advent Wreath – The wreath is circular and made of evergreens symbolizing the eternity of God. Seeds and fruit we may place on the wreath represent life and resurrection. There are four candles on the wreath, each representing one week of Advent. The three purple candles stand for prayer and penance. The rose candle is lit on the third Sunday (the “Gaudete Sunday”) and it symbolizes joy – “gaudium” in Latin – as we draw closer to the birth of Christ. The light that the wreath brings represents Christ Himself – our Light. Take a family walk on the first Sunday of Advent and collect everything you will need for the Advent wreath. Make it together as a family and talk with your children about the rich symbolism. Have the wreath blessed by a priest, or read a family blessing of the wreath at home. Place it in a visible spot where your family gathers often. Light it during your evening prayer or at mealtimes.

Nativity Scene – Saint Francis of Assisi began the custom of the nativity scenes when he celebrated Christmas with his brothers at Greccio in 1223 with a Bethlehem scene that included live animals. This tradition quickly spread and people began to construct their own nativity scenes in their homes. Children take great joy in helping to set up a nativity scene. The crèche may be made from various materials. Simplicity and beauty go often hand in hand. You may set up your entire scene at the beginning of Advent, leaving the crib empty for the Christ Child to arrive on Christmas Eve. Or you may set up the scene slowly, day by day. We like to hide one figure (an animal, or a branch…) each day of Advent, have our children search for it, and then place it around the manger. Joseph and Mary arrive in Bethlehem last. On Christmas Eve, the youngest child finds a small golden package under the Christmas tree with the figure of Baby Jesus. We place it together in our crèche. Mary and Joseph can also ‘travel’ to Bethlehem, as they move slowly across your room every day until they reach the cave.

Advent Carols – The tradition of caroling is owed to Saint Francis as well. Children especially enjoy the beauty and joy expressed in Christmas Carols. However, Christmas carols should be sung at Christmas. During Advent, we are still waiting. Our music should express this waiting and longing for the Messiah. There are many beautiful Advent Hymns. Learn one new hymn every week of Advent with your family. Your waiting will be rewarded with a profound joy at Christmas time. [Editor’s note: Advent hymns can be found in your parish hymnal. For an online list of popular and lesser-known Advent hymns, see The Cyber Hymnal.]

Jesse Tree – Jesse Tree is an old tradition depicting the relationship of Jesus with Jesse and other biblical figures who were the ancestors of Jesus. Jesse was the father of King David. He is often looked upon as the first person in the genealogy of Jesus. For your own Jesse Tree, a branch can be placed into a pot or a large vase at the beginning of Advent, and every day a new ornament can be hung onto it.

healy-jesse-tree-2These ornaments represent the individual figures from the two Testaments. They can be made out of paper, felt, clay, wood, or other materials. As the children place the ornaments onto the branch, the father of the family can read an appropriate Scripture passage that talks about the given ancestor of Jesus. There are many passages that can be chosen and many symbols that can represent various figures. Each family can create its own list of figures and their symbols. [Editor’s note: this webpage shows one example of Jesse tree ornaments.]

 

The Crib for the Christ Child – A small wooden crib can be displayed somewhere in your home. This empty crib can be filled with a new piece of straw every day for acts of kindness and small sacrifices. Encourage your children to notice the goodness in others, instead of focusing on their own deeds and accomplishments. By the end of Advent, the crib should be filled with straw. On Christmas Eve, children can place a small figure of Baby Jesus in his soft bed of hay.

Advent Angels – At the beginning of Advent, each family member can blindly pick the name of another member of the family and become his or her Advent angel. Prayers, sacrifices, and acts of kindness can be offered and exercised daily. During the Christmas season, small homemade gifts can be exchanged between the ‘angels’. This prolongs the joy of Christmas, encourages creativity, and teaches children (and adults) to discover unique talents they can share with others.

Preparing our homes – Our homes should reflect our readiness for Christ’s birth. Clean your home together, simplify, and share. Children can help to prepare a box for the poor and the lonely. You can donate extra clothing and household items, bake cookies together and share them or save them for the joyous time of Christmas. Begin working on Christmas cards and gifts early in Advent so that you can ‘rest your heart’ during the final days of Advent.

Preparing our hearts – Just as we prepare our homes, we should prepare our hearts. This is the time for a frequent sacrament of reconciliation, for longer family prayer, and for lots of Advent reading together. This is the time when the family can draw closer to the mystery of Christ’s Incarnation.

healy-st-luciaCelebrating the saints’ feast days – There are many beautiful feast days during Advent to celebrate. I will mention just a few. You can honor Saint Nicholas (December 6) by learning about his life. Prepare a play about him, or learn a hymn in his honor. Recalling the legend of the three daughters, place your shoes by the fireplace on the eve of the feast and wait for the saint’s ‘visit’. (In many European countries, Saint Nicholas visits families in person. He joins them for family prayers, blesses the children, and leaves oranges, nuts, and golden coins for each one of them. Children write letters to the Christ Child and deliver them through Saint Nicholas. These letters are filled with the children’s thanks for the past year and their hopes for the year to come). You can make candles on the feast of Saint Ambrose (December 7), the patron saint of candle makers. While remembering our Mother Mary, you can also prepare a small gift for an expectant mother you know on the feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8).

Decorate your house with lights on the Feast of Saint Lucy (December 13), whose name means ‘light’. According to an old Swedish custom, dress your oldest daughter in white and let her wake up the family with a candle-lit breakfast. Remember our Lady of Guadalupe with a Mexican meal, roses, or poinsettias. Craft with your children, sing, celebrate, eat your meals together, find time… Prepare your homes and hearts for Christ!

An old German Advent Carol sings about the Christ Child carried under Mary’s heart as she wanders through the wood where nothing grew for seven years. As she walks through the forest, roses begin to bloom everywhere. May we carry Christ with Mary this Advent season. And may the roses bloom!

About the author
Maruška Healy, originally from the Czech Republic, is a graduate of the International Theological Institute in Gaming, Austria. She and her husband currently reside in Maryland where they homeschool their children.

The Blessing of “Unanswered Prayers”: An Adoption Story

I am still in awe of how abundantly my husband Tom and I have been blessed. Like country music star Garth Brooks states so well in one of his songs, “I thank God for unanswered prayers”. For years we prayed so hard to conceive a child. We could not even begin to have known how much more joy God’s plan for us would bring.

Early years of marriage: waiting for a child

Tom and I met during our freshmen year of college so we knew each other fairly well when we married a year after college. At the time of our marriage, we were aware that my medical history of severe endometriosis might make conception difficult. (Endometriosis is a common health problem in women in which the tissue that lines the uterus grows outside of the uterus and on other organs of the body.) We were lucky in that we had the opportunity to discuss this before marriage as well as the fact that adoption was an option that we were both comfortable exploring. But it didn’t make pregnancy announcements from friends and family any less difficult as we clung to the hope of conception for five years.

One of the most challenging part of those years of trying to conceive was attempting to navigate the world of fertility treatments and their moral implications. At that time we had only a vague sense that most fertility treatments were in opposition to the Church’s moral teachings. (We have only in recent years come to understand the richness and beauty of the Church’s wisdom on this. [1]) Nonetheless, we stayed true to Church teaching and began exploring adoption.

Beginning the adoption process

For at least a year, we attended multiple information sessions of state run adoption programs, private agency programs, and even met with an adoption consultant. Because we desired a newborn baby, we ruled out international programs and chose to pursue private domestic (within the US) adoption. Most children adopted from overseas are older than infancy.

I was in graduate school in Boston at the time and had a faculty member who had just adopted a baby. I set up a meeting with the same private agency that she used and we quickly compiled the vast ream of paperwork that the agency required. (By the end of this process, I think that the agency knew more about us than our own parents did!)

Our application was submitted in January 2000. We then began a series of home study meetings with the agency. Contrary to popular media’s portrayal of these meetings as involving a stern looking woman entering your home for a white-glove inspection, nothing could be further from the truth. The social workers that we met with were partially there to assess our motives and suitability to become adoptive parents. At the same time, their goal was also to try to help prepare us for the process, experiences, and possibly even challenges that adoption could bring to our lives.

Receiving the call

Although the matching process can vary by agency, these days, many private agencies give the birthparents the opportunity to select their baby’s adoptive parents. So we prepared a photo album that gave a sense of who we were and we wrote a letter to the birthparents to be included in the album. The agency then forwarded albums to the birthparents so they could choose an adoptive family for their child. I can only speculate, but I think that getting the call from an agency saying you’ve been selected by birthparents and the match has been made is somewhat synonymous to getting the much coveted call from the doctor’s office saying that your blood test was indeed positive for a pregnancy. From this point, the little girl whose birthmother had chosen us to adopt her child was, in our minds and hearts, fully our child. There is a saying that a biological child grows in the mother’s tummy but an adopted child grows in the parents’ hearts. Nothing could be more true.

In August 2000, our first child, Katie was born. Unlike many couples who are blessed with a more direct path to parenthood, we took nothing for granted with our blessing. We “fought” for our turn to change her diaper (weird, huh?), feed her, and hold her.

Adopting again

In May 2002, Tom had a new job and we were preparing to move to another part of the state. Katie and I were having breakfast with a friend who asked if we were planning to adopt again. It seemed like a crazy time to proceed since we were trying to sell one house and were in the middle of building a new one. Her questions seemed to light a fire in me though, and I became a woman on a mission. The details fell easily into place (despite the fact that we had to change adoption agencies) and by June 2002, we had submitted our second adoption application. Even though we had so much on our plates with a toddler, a move, and an impending adoption, I felt a profound peace from that day in May straight through to the day in January, 2003 when we were blessed with the birth of our second daughter, Meaghan. (I was even fortunate enough to be at the birth!) Meaghan was born in Georgia, which required a two week stay as we waited for the legalities of the adoption process to be finalized. Gratefully, we were blessed with mild Georgia weather while our home state was buried in snow and a record-breaking cold spell.

A boy and a girl!

In December 2004, we submitted our third application for adoption. The process was uneventful and much easier by the third time. Katie was four years old at this point and whenever we asked her if she thought this third child would be a boy or girl, she confidently replied “Both!” We would soon discover that she must have had a direct line to God. Our son, Andrew, was born in Ohio in September 2005. Once again, we remained in Ohio for a couple of weeks as we awaited the legal process.

The day after we returned home, I was sorting through a box of baby clothes (and putting away the pinks and purples), when I was moved with a profound longing for another little girl. Now, mind you, I was thrilled to have Andrew in our life. He was a sweet and easy little baby. So, I was befuddled why my heart felt this so keenly. One week later, I had my answer.

When Andrew was only three weeks old, the adoption agency that we worked with to adopt Katie called to inform us that Katie’s birthmother was pregnant again and wanted to know if we would be interested in adopting this child who was due in four months. I suddenly understood my strangely timed interior longing for another girl and chuckled as I reflected on Katie’s childlike prophesy of “a boy and a girl.” I knew, without a moment’s hesitation, scared as I was by the situation, that this was God’s plan for our family. Molly was born in January 2006, and once again I was blessed to be present at the birth.

Life as an adoptive family

Almost eight years after the birth of my fourth child, I rarely think about the fact that these are adopted children. I just know that they are “our children”. They know that they are adopted and it comes up periodically in conversations. They just started at a new school and were commenting on how people often don’t believe them when they say that they were adopted. Minimally, we reflect on it at that point each year around their birthdays when we send letters and photos to their birthparents (via the agency). Otherwise, at this point we have no direct contact with the birthparents. I have no doubt that at some point, some or maybe even all of our children will seek out a meeting with their birthparents. When that time comes, and they are of the appropriate age and maturity to do so, Tom and I will stand by them and support them in this process of self-understanding.

There are times when something like completing parental health history on their medical forms call to mind that they are adopted. There are also the occasional school projects about the students’ ethnicity that creep up. Otherwise, we chuckle on the many occasions when Tom or I have been told how much our children look just like us!

I would be misleading you if I told you that it was all easy. The adoption application process, at times, felt profoundly invasive. But if you talk with many new mothers, I think they might describe the birthing process as rather invasive. There are some challenges that are unique to adoptive mothers and fathers. It is difficult to explain to adopted children that just because they were “given up” for adoption, it does not mean that they were not “wanted”. (The term used more widely now is “placed for adoption,” which helps highlight the selfless generosity of birthparents in choosing an adoptive family for their child.) When we reflect on our children’s future weddings, we understand that there is a remote possibility that we might have to share the “parent pew” with their biological parents. Then we remember that these four little blessings were only given to us to “borrow” for a short period of time, but they don’t belong to us, or to their biological parents. They belong to God.

About the author
MaryPat and her husband Tom, shown above with their children, have been happily married for 20 years, regardless of the fact that they have very few common interests – except for God and family – proving that opposites really do attract! MaryPat worked in college admissions and as a high school guidance counselor until she became the full-time mother of four adopted and much beloved children. With all four children now enrolled in school, MaryPat has begun working with families as an Independent Educational Consultant through her new business, Compass College Advisors. Tom is employed in the banking industry and spends his time sharing his deep love of the Catholic faith with anyone willing to listen. They reside in the Archdiocese of Boston.

Notes
[1] See USCCB document about infertility and ethical reproductive treatments: “Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology” (2009).

Fall Resolutions to Spark Your Marriage

Has your marriage fallen into a rut? Even good marriages go through the doldrums. The arrival of Fall, however, can bring new energy and purpose. Why not use this energy to reinvigorate your marriage? Here are four suggestions.

1. Read a book. Would you like to learn more about strengthening a new marriage, or dealing with the challenges of a long-established marriage? How about maximizing your time together, or raising faith-filled children? All these topics, and many more, have been the subject of our Book of the Month feature. Check out our reviews and find the perfect book to read and discuss together.

2. Try something new–together. Sign up for a class, anything from an exercise class to current affairs. Set aside one night each week to cook a new dish. Plan a day trip to a nearby town or historic site you haven’t yet seen.

3. Volunteer in the parish. Pope Saint John Paul II reminded married couples that their witness to love and life should extend beyond the immediate family. In focus groups with married couples, many participants said that volunteering in their parish helped to strengthen their marriage. Opportunities abound: teaching in the religious education program; serving as lectors or extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion; sponsoring a candidate in RCIA; or helping to organize the parish’s fall festival.

4. How about a Date Night? Don’t wait for the New Year; make a Fall Resolution to have a regular Date Night. Take turns planning your date, or compile a list of things you’d like to do on your date and work through it. We’ve put together some ideas for no cost, low cost, outdoors and at-home dates.