With the arrival of St. Valentine’s Day, an opportunity arises “to proclaim our beliefs” in ways that affirm and build the “positive good” in values “shared by many in the wider community,” Bishop Eugene Hurley of Darwin suggests.

He chairs the Australian bishops’ Commission for Pastoral Life. It issued a kit for St. Valentine’s Day 2012 with tips for parishes and couples, and insights on true love.

“The pages of history bear testament to humankind’s long-standing obsession with the phenomenon of love. Love gives meaning and purpose to living,” the kit observes. It notes, though, that love often is “misunderstood and misapplied.”

One misunderstanding overlooks love’s call for each partner both to give and to receive in their relationship. “All give, and the relationship becomes very hard work,” the kit explains. “All take, and the relationship lacks the substance to endure through the inevitable tough times.”

In one tip, the kit urges couples to “make St. Valentine’s Day something special this year.” It recommends, “instead of flowers or chocolates,” that a couple give each other the gift of their presence and “make a commitment to set aside 10 minutes a day” for sharing life’s “highs and lows together.”

The kit even proposes petitions for Prayers of the Faithful at Masses Feb. 14. One petition prays for those “preparing for marriage: that they may build a relationship of intimacy and tenderness for which we all long.” Three other petitions pray:

– “For married couples: that they may rejoice with one another in moments of strength and be compassionate toward one another in moments of weakness.”

– “For those who have suffered broken promises – that they may find healing and peace.”

–“For widowed people: May the gifts of love, support, courage and hope be made present to them within this community.”

Smart Loving

It is “surprising how often people complain that their spouse misunderstands their gestures of love, that they try really hard to love their spouse, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough,” says the St. Valentine’s Day kit. It hopes couples will consider the demands of “smart loving.”

“Smart loving” requires “knowing your spouse’s love needs” and loving this person the way he or she likes and needs to be loved, it explains. It insists this way of loving is smart “because it’s effective.”

But not only is this approach smart, it also is a “genuine” way to express love. The kit’s authors consider it genuine because it is “other-centered, focused on building up and advancing the good of the other.”

Remarks on smart loving by a man named Byron help to explain the entire notion. He says:

“Over many years, we’ve come to realize that most of our mistakes in love come from the assumption that everyone experiences love the same way. … We tend to love the way we like to be loved.

“So, if physical affection is important to us, we’ll tend to express love through affection. If affirmation or gift-giving or recreational companionship is a primary love need, then we’ll tend to ‘speak’ our love to others in those ways.”

The kit advises married couples that happiness “is not simply about loving bigger and more generously in any haphazard way. It requires us to thoughtfully eliminate the biggest ‘love busters’ – those behaviors that kill the joy and sense of connection for our spouse.”

Thus, what one spouse really needs may be the other’s respect, not just a purchased gift. Or, one spouse may need gestures of care and tenderness, intimate conversation, attentiveness, closeness.

When Infatuation Wanes

“Falling in love is a wonderful experience.” People can agree readily with the kit that when people first fall in love, they are “filled with energy and thrilling excitement.”

But it is “unrealistic” to expect “the euphoria of infatuation” to be “sustained indefinitely,” it emphasizes. Nonetheless, “we all fall for it!”

A woman named Fran apparently fell for it. After about three years of marriage, “the honeymoon period was definitely over” for Fran and her husband, she says in the kit. She adds:

“Being unaware of the science of infatuation, I was confused and worried. I didn’t ‘feel’ the same powerful feelings that I thought were the hallmark of love. … I was confused by the media portrayals of love, and I just didn’t know if this was normal or whether there was something wrong with our marriage.”

Not only is infatuation’s waning decidedly normal, it is a good thing, according to the kit authors. “This state, scientifically identified as ‘infatuation,’ is not biologically sustainable,” they hold. Fortunately, when infatuation’s euphoria wanes, “real love begins to take root.”

Then, says the kit, “as their relationship matures, a couple’s love becomes increasingly grounded in genuine care and self-giving.”

I have noticed how different the experience of “expectation” is for me as a man versus the experience for Sara as a woman.

St. Paul says faith is the belief in something unseen. In many ways, this has been my experience of fatherhood.

I think the experience is much more surreal as a man. The idea of being a father is definitely less concrete for me. Sara is intimately linked with our baby already as each day our baby depends on her for nourishment. The expectation has changed every aspect of her life, from the way she eats to the amount of energy she has.

My life has remained very much the same. I have tried to take on additional chores and make sure I am pulling my weight around the house, but as yet I have not really felt the demands of fatherhood.

It is easier for Sara to talk to the baby. Sara constantly refers to the baby. It might be for silly reasons or for serious. She is constantly aware and constantly in contact with baby. I have to be reminded. Sara continually encourages me to talk to the baby, to say good night to baby, ask him/her how they are doing, or to give the baby a pat (I think she just wants me to rub her tummy). It just doesn’t come as naturally.

Sara knows she is talking to our child. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to her stomach.

I have heard it said that women become mothers when they become pregnant, men become fathers when their baby is born. I see motherhood in Sara in many ways. For instance, we have a new niece, Joanna, who is 3 months old. Over the holidays and at the baptism, Sara was immersed in Joanna -even fighting for the right to change diapers.

I think that women are at a distinct advantage. The changes women experience in their bodies provide them a concrete experience of the baby. Men have to wait. Hearing our baby’s heart beat at our last doctor’s appointment was a very powerful moment, but I am very much looking forward to the day when I can hold my baby and put a name with a face.

One thing has changed. I feel greater responsibility in my life. I used to joke with my friends about what I called “responsibility years.” We used to say that getting married added 5 years to your biological age and that you got another 5 years for each child due to the extra responsibilities.

I definitely feel the responsibility of providing for a family. Sara and I are still discerning our plans for after the baby, but the possibility of becoming a one income family is very real. This will require sacrifice and it makes me constantly confront my fears and desires for comfort.

On the other hand, I think the opportunity to sacrifice is one of the great blessings of parenthood. We live in a culture which is consumed by instant gratification, and try as we might, we can’t help but to begin to live this way. The constant desire for comfort has the potential stunt our growth. Trials are almost always transformative in the spiritual life. As such, I am looking forward to fatherhood as a great opportunity growth. You might say I am looking forward to it with great expectations!

“Let’s Strengthen Marriage” is the theme of National Marriage Week, Feb. 7-14, 2012. National Marriage Week, now in its third year, is a collaborative effort to promote marriage as a benefit to husbands, wives and the community, as well as the best environment in which to raise children. Resources for couples and organizations who want to promote marriage are available on the website.

World Marriage Day will be observed on Sunday, February 12. For more than 30 years this Day has been promoted by Worldwide Marriage Encounter. If you’re looking for resources that your parish can use to celebrate World Marriage Day, check out the WWME website.

In honor of National Marriage Week and World Marriage Day, here are three FAQs that the website frequently responds to.

(1) We just got engaged. Do you have any suggestions for tools that can help us to deepen our relationship?

First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Try starting with the Personality Audit. It’s a great way to understand yourself and your fiance(e) better.

Family of origin issues arise in many marriages. Take the Family of Origin exercise to discover how your experiences growing up were similar or different.

Most of us tend to avoid topics that are sensitive, or where we think we might disagree with our spouse or fiance(e). Here are some ideas for those “Must-Have Conversations” on such topics as intimacy, finances, and commitment.

(2) How can we find a marriage education or marriage enrichment class in our area?

Many organizations—religious and others—offer programs to help couples improve their marital skills. These classes can cover everything from communication and conflict resolution to budgeting and time management. To find a program in your area, try starting with the Smart Marriages directory of programs. Also check out the list of classes on the National Marriage Week website.

Another possibility is to contact your diocesan Family Life Office. For contact information, go to the Family Life Office locator on the homepage.

Finally, many couples at all stages of marriage have benefitted from a Marriage Encounter weekend. For information go to the Worldwide Marriage Encounter website.

(3)  My spouse and I are experiencing problems in our marriage. Where can we go for help?

First of all, check out the article “Finding Help When Your Marriage in Trouble.” It explains a range of options for couples who are experiencing marital difficulties.

If you’re looking for a counselor, try asking your pastor or parish staff member for a recommendation. Many parishes maintain lists of counselors who deal with various issues. The counselor should have specific training and experience in marriage counseling.

Many diocesan Catholic Charities offices offer counseling or can refer you. Contact information for Catholic Charities is usually available on the diocesan website.

Couples with serious problems may consider making a Retrouvaille weekend. Retrouvaille has a solid record of bringing couples back from the brink of divorce. Information about local Retrouvaille weekends is available on their website.

We have never before attempted to sell a house and it goes without saying that this is a horrendous time to do so. We knew it would be stressful. But we had never before experienced this type of stress so we did not necessarily know what to expect this stress to feel like. Nor what coping mechanisms would be most effective in dealing with it.

House-selling stress is unlike any other type of stress I have experienced. It is different than planning a wedding, “there are so many things to coordinate and figure out” stress. It is different than newly wed, “I think this is a blast but sometimes I wonder who I married” stress. It is different than parenting a newborn, “not enough sleep” stress. It is different than “first day of school for your first child” stress.

It is all-pervasive, “I almost never have a thought that doesn’t bring me back around to the pit of dread in my stomach that we will never sell our house” stress. Even if we are out and about in Portland, as we return to the house I see the “For Sale” sign in the front yard and it all comes sinking back to me.

That is why, last Friday, when Joshua and I had both accomplished a lot of random items on our to-do lists, and we felt pretty good about how we were getting stuff done and moving forward in at least some areas of the transition, I did the Liberation Dance. Nothing choreographed, mind you. More spontaneous gyration.

We had just gotten all the children down to bed. We walked down the stairs together and acknowledged that we were both feeling pretty good and notably not at all preoccupied with house concerns. We were both just happy to be at the end of a day of hard work and able to spend some time together. Even though our primary stressor is one big thing we cannot control, we had done all we could with the many little things we can control. It was a liberating feeling for our stressed minds.

So, I asked Joshua if we should do a liberation dance and then proceeded to demonstrate what my version of that would look like. It basically included some pretty awesome moves and I may or may not have used my arms to make the letter “L” (for liberation!) in the process. I know it was impressive…I could tell by how hard Joshua was laughing.

I encouraged Joshua to join in and frankly I can’t even remember if he did or if I just kept doing versions of the dance (with ever increasing use of my cool new “L” arm move). But we laughed and laughed. And it felt so good and freeing and healthy.

Thinking about it later, it reminded me of something I read recently. It was about how “humor heals” (in “Between Heaven and Mirth” by James Martin, SJ). He quotes Proverbs 17:22, “A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones.”

There are lots of times these days when I think of the house and have a distinctly downcast heart. This stress really does feel a bit like being slowly dried out and cracked around the edges. Truly the moments of joy and laughter feel like a balm for that stress, like water being poured on the parched earth of my spirit. So, I guess little by little I am figuring out the right coping mechanisms: some healthy doses of humor and laughter. And, again, some really awesome dance moves.

It’s not that the Church is trying to keep it a secret. In fact, during the last 120 years, the Church has issued a wide range of documents suggesting ways that people and organizations can help create a more humane world, especially one shaped by greater economic justice.

You might ask: Why has a 2,000-year-old Church gotten around to the issue of social justice only in the last hundred years or so? In fact, the Church has been engaging social issues throughout its history. And it has relied heavily on ideas of justice and charity from the Old and New Testaments, as well as from its long tradition of interpreting the word of God.

For example, medieval Christianity was permeated with the social teaching of the Church. As one writer has put it: “In the confessional Christians declared not only their sins against faith but also any transgressions with regard to just prices, stipulated merchandise, loans, contracts, and relations with employers or dependents.”

But with the Industrial Revolution came a need to apply the Christian ethic to a changing world. The medieval world of farms and handicrafts and regional fairs was displaced by the new world of machines and factories. Life in the factories could be a brutal existence. During the early years of the Industrial Revolution, for example, it was not unusual for little girls (some as young as ten) to be on duty in the factory for 14 hours a day. The irony of using young children in factories was not lost on social critics, like the one who wrote this short poem: “The golf links lie so near the mill That almost every day The laboring children can look out And see the men at play.”

It was against this backdrop that Pope Leo XIII wrote the first papal encyclical of the Church’s modern social teaching. Encyclicals are letters issued by popes that clarify areas of Church teaching. This first social encyclical was entitled Rerum Novarum, or “Of New Things,” and its subject, as Pope Leo wrote, was the “Condition of the Working Classes.” Since Rerum Novarum, the Church has developed a theology and a philosophy that apply Christian teachings to political, social, economic, cultural and technological life. As the subject of Rerum Novarum suggests, much of the teaching concerns the workplace and the people who labor in it. In 2005, the Church issued an extensive discussion of its social teaching in the form of a book entitled, Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church.

The Compendium has many themes which characterize the Church’s teaching, but only four main principles. Its bishops and theologians, for the most part, are not working social scientists, so the Compendium focuses on those aspects of society where it can really add value. Those are the questions that get to the heart of our lives on earth, that explore the meaning of human life and how well the issues of producing and consuming enhance that meaning.

Here’s a short description of each.

Human Dignity. The first and most basic principle of Catholic Social Teaching is human dignity. This is a dignity that is conferred not by society or by statute or by custom, but by the law of God and the law of nature. People are created in the image of God, and so, by their very nature, have a right to life, freedom of conscience, and many other rights, as well as responsibilities. Human dignity is inalienable, meaning it can’t be taken away by any human institution. This principle is common to believers and unbelievers. It was accepted by philosophers long before the birth of Christ and has a prominent place in America’s Declaration of Independence.

The Common Good. The second principle is the common good. As Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, pointed out three centuries before Christ: “Man is by nature a social animal.” People can’t find fulfillment by themselves. They can find it only by cooperating with others, by helping others to find their own fulfillment in a search for the good purposes in life which are common to all members of society. The ultimate purpose in life is union with God. The common good creates the conditions in society that help people live more fulfilling lives and achieve their ultimate goal.

Solidarity. The third principle is solidarity. In a word, we’re all in this together. It’s not race against race, nation against nation, class against class, man against woman, worker against management. Solidarity seeks cooperation rather than competition. It seeks the common good rather than personal advantage. Solidarity seeks justice in our relationships with others, as well as true charity, which is more than simply giving alms to the poor but is also an active commitment to help those among us develop into the people of character they were capable of being.

Subsidiarity. The fourth principle is subsidiarity, which has been a constant teaching of the Church since the early social encyclicals. It is the understanding that true civil society is more than the lone individual, on the one hand, and an all-powerful state, on the other. Civil society encompasses all sorts of institutions. The most important is the family, which was the first, and still is, the most basic institution in society. But subsidiarity is about more than protecting individuals. It is also about helping individuals and communities use their own initiative and industry to develop themselves. It is the recognition that people and organizations at the grass roots are often, although not always, better at judging what is needed for true development than people in distant capitals or corporate headquarters.

But why? Don’t individuals need to direct a healthy dose of attention to themselves in order to grow in self-understanding? Shouldn’t married individuals pursue fulfillment by developing their personal gifts and talents? And is there anything wrong with nurturing one’s personal happiness?

In the Church’s eyes, one of the basic problems with individualism is the self-focus it fosters – its focus on “me” — and, I suppose, the degree of this. Sure, spouses ought to grow in a marriage both as individuals and a couple. The hope is, however, that a wife and husband will grow through each other and together.

It is not surprising that Christian leaders would encourage spouses to develop as persons, discover who they truly are, find fulfillment and become happy in their marriage not by taking for themselves, but by giving of themselves to the other person.

Pope Discusses “Exaggerated Individualism”

Pope Benedict XVI discussed the effects of what he termed “an exaggerated individualism” when he met last September with lay Catholics in Freiburg, Germany.

Due to their focus on themselves, many today “no longer seem capable of any form of self-denial or of making a sacrifice for others,” he observed.

Actually Pope Benedict considers individualism a basic problem for all of society, and the reasons for this were clear in a speech he gave this year to the mayor and other civic leaders of Rome. The pope is certain that individualism harms a society’s very functioning because society’s members are not regarded as important parts of a larger whole.

In his Jan. 12 remarks, the pope discussed the basic dynamics of individualism, which, he said, leads people “to withdraw into their own small world, concerned primarily with satisfying their own needs and desires, with scant consideration for others.”

Yet, he explained, faith “tells us that the human person is a being called to live in relationships — that the ‘I’ can find itself precisely by approaching a ‘you’ who accepts and loves him or her.”

The “you” who is approached by us is first of all God, but also is found in “others, starting with those who are closest,” the pope added. He said that life’s “relational dimension” represents “a constitutive element of one’s existence.”

On another recent occasion, speaking with young people about marriage during the August 2011 World Youth Day in Madrid, Pope Benedict accented the relational dimension of a couple’s life together. Marriage is “marked by complete self-giving,” he said. He stressed that “fulfillment” for a wife and husband flows from their “profound life of communion.”

The pope acknowledged that this life of marital communion is a “demanding” — though “bright” – goal for a couple. Their life of communion needs to be renewed daily and “deepened by sharing joys and sorrows,” he said.

Rediscovering What Love Is

In a speech in late October, Dublin’s Archbishop Diarmuid Martin underlined the need to support today’s couples and families by calling their attention to the human fulfillment found through self-giving. “Marriage is too important to allow it to be lived below its full potential,” he told a marriage institute in Dublin.

“We have to restore confidence in marriage and the family,” said Archbishop Martin. Expanding on this, he remarked:

“We have to rediscover the true notion of love, which is always self-giving. We have to open our young people to the fact that self-giving becomes fulfilling and life giving, while self-centeredness only leads to narcissism and self-destruction.”

The love in a marriage should reflect God’s own way of loving, Archbishop Martin told his audience. He said, “In marriage, God’s way of loving becomes the measure of human love.”

The Catholic bishops of the United States made a similar point in their November 2009 national pastoral letter on marriage, titled “Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan.” Jesus revealed “the deepest meaning of all marital love: self-giving love modeled on God’s inner life and love,” the bishops said.

In describing “the love proper to marriage,” the bishops spoke of “the commitment to the complete and total gift of self between husband and wife.” In a marriage, the bishops said, “a unique communion of persons” is established through a “relationship of mutual self-giving and receiving.”

To be excommunicated is to be literally separated from the communion of the Church. This separation implies both being spiritually outside the boundaries of the community of faith, and excluded from the sacraments of the Church, particularly the Eucharist. Generally speaking, Excommunication is a penalty incurred for specific public acts that the Church finds singularly offensive.

Sometimes, a person effectively excommunicates themselves, incurring an automatic, or latae sententiae excommunication. Examples of this include physically attacking the pope, directly violating the seal of confession if you’re a priest, or directly procuring an abortion. In many other cases, a serious penalty like excommunication should be imposed only after a trial before a church tribunal. Even within the Church, people are entitled to due process before a penalty is imposed. (Incidentally, marrying outside the Church is a serious matter for a Catholic, but he or she is not excommunicated for doing so.)

Theologically speaking, it would be wrong to interpret excommunication as a declaration of eternal damnation. Even separated from the community of the Church, no one is beyond the reach of God’s grace and mercy. And, in fact, with few exceptions, the penalty of excommunication can be lifted by any priest in the sacrament of reconciliation, or confession, presuming that the usual conditions for absolution are met, including sincere repentance, and a firm desire not to repeat the sinful behavior.

Suppose your spouse owned a business where he maintained two sets of books and paid employees under the table. Suppose he had gone heavily into debt to finance a luxurious lifestyle. Suppose the IRS had started to investigate him for tax fraud.

And suppose you knew none of this until the day he died unexpectedly…

Carol Ross Joynt recounts her gripping story in “Innocent Spouse,” a cautionary tale about marital dishonesty and financial betrayal.

When Howard Joynt appeared in her life, Carol was doing well on her own, first as a writer for CBS newsman Walter Cronkite, later as a producer for Larry King Live. But she quickly fell for the charismatic Howard, a man-about-town who owned Nathans, a popular restaurant in the Georgetown section of Washington, D.C. Despite ups and downs the marriage endured. Carol grew accustomed to a life that included a beach house, expensive cars, and a live-in nanny. She assumed that income from Howard’s family trust, plus Nathans, paid the bills. On the few occasions when Carol raised a question about money, Howard deftly deflected it.

In 1997, after 20 years of marriage, Howard’s sudden death from pneumonia left a bereaved Carol and their five-year-old son. Summoned to meet with Howard’s lawyers, Carol expected to come in and sign a few papers. Instead, they informed Carol that the IRS had built an airtight case against Howard for fraud. Carol stood to inherit a three million dollar tax bill unless she could claim relief under the Tax Code’s “innocent spouse” provision.

The book recounts Carol’s fight to obtain “innocent spouse” protection, as well as her 10-year effort to keep Nathans open. Since Howard had run the restaurant himself, Carol knew nothing about it, and soon found herself up against dishonest employees, inept managers, barroom fights, and declining revenues. Meanwhile, she was selling personal items, including furniture and clothing, to make ends meet. At night she would pore over financial records, trying to figure out how much was owed and to whom.

Carol and Howard are unusual because of their high profile and considerable assets. Their lack of communication about financial matters, however, is an issue that arises in many marriages. It can take various forms. For example, one spouse may be quite happy to let the other assume responsibility for the family finances. The spouse in charge may make little effort to share financial information. Or, they try to interest their spouse in the topic but eventually give up when there is little response.

Carol admits that, in retrospect, she should have pressed Howard for answers to her financial questions and not given up so easily when he brushed her off. She wanted to believe the best about their financial situation, and it nearly cost her everything she owned. Carol’s story, told with brutal honesty, reminds couples that financial secrecy can exact a high toll and has no place in a healthy marriage.

Here are several things I’ve learned since becoming pregnant:

1. Morning Sickness: I’ve decided whoever termed it “morning sickness” was either a male, very optimistic, or a liar. While I was blessed not to be as sick as some of the stories my fellow females tell, my “morning sickness” lasted all day. And, the very thought of some food I’ve always loved (such as my former favorite soup) can make me gag, even after Justin made it special for me.

2. Cravings: Speaking of food, this craving “thing” is not, in fact, a myth. The strangest things can sound incredibly yummy, whether it’s a baked potato (which I hadn’t eaten for six months before becoming pregnant), cheese, or oranges. Strangely enough, chocolate (one of my favorite sweets) didn’t sound or taste good for most of my first trimester. Many women have told me cravings are the way my body tells me what I need to be eating, so I try to give in whenever it’s reasonable. Thankfully, I haven’t craved any total random combinations, like pickles and ice cream.

3. Grumpiness: Pregnant women don’t intend to be grumpy. At least, I don’t. I do feel myself having to work harder to be patient and pleasant to others, especially when I get overtired. I also can sleep at totally random times and places including in the car.

4. Lack of Balance: It’s actually made it difficult to have any sort of routine or balance in our lives. Many days, I’ll feel like coming home from work and having a nap. Occasionally, I’ll come home full of energy and ready to tackle a project. Unfortunately, those project tackling days are now few and far between. Some days, even praying is difficult because I have a tendency to fall asleep whenever I sit still!

5. No Longer “Superwoman”: The entire moving process was also very difficult for me. Before getting pregnant, I probably would have had the entire house put together in less than a week, including new curtains sewn, living room painted, and rugs placed out and wondered why Justin didn’t work as fast as I did. Now, I simply don’t have the energy to do it all at once, so the nursery continues to sit full of boxes in a less than decorative fashion. I joked with Justin that I’m no longer “Superwoman” because I need to take so many breaks and naps.

6. Unreasonable: Sometimes, the things I do or the things that make me really upset make no logical sense. For instance, today we had our internet service provider out to see why our internet has been so spotty since we’ve moved into our new house. When I got home from work, the guy was parked in the MIDDLE of the driveway, such that I couldn’t park in my own driveway without blocking him in. Let’s just say I had a minor meltdown, which Justin was kind enough to help me through without insulting the repairman.

7. Enjoy Affection Less: Probably the most surprising item to me is I enjoy affection less. By less, I mean for my first trimester I didn’t want to be touched at all, including by my own husband. Now that I’m feeling better, I insist he touch my belly at least twice a day and tell baby how much he loves him or her.

When everyone told me how much a baby would “change our lives,” I had no idea the changing would occur as soon as we got pregnant! I also now realize that pregnancy stories are based in more facts than I once would have believed. Mostly, I look forward to experiencing our continued adventures with baby.

Our Catholic faith has a long tradition of turning to saints for help. We ask people to pray for us all the time, so why not ask people who are proven (through recorded miracles effected by their prayer) to be in heaven? St. Joseph, as the stepfather of Jesus and husband of Mary, was a carpenter and provided for the holy family. Of anyone, he knows the importance of shelter.

The tradition is that when buying or selling a home, one should bury a statue or medallion of St. Joseph near the house. The custom goes back, some say, to Teresa of Avila, the nun (and doctor of the Church) who founded convents throughout Spain. A perfect location for a convent was discovered, but the nuns did not have enough money to purchase it. They buried St. Joseph medallions on the land, and sure enough, money came in.

The newly canonized St. Andre Bessette, the miracle worker of Montreal, used the same tactic—it is how the titanic oratory there was built. Stories indicate that medallions were buried to help procure the land. At one point, work stopped because of a lack of money while the giant church lacked a roof. St. Andre had a statue of St. Joseph placed under the sky in the sanctuary, exposed to the elements, and said, “If St. Joseph wants a roof over his head, he’ll take care of it.”

The dome to the oratory was completed and is the third-largest of its kind in the world.

Now, some of this smacks of superstition, as if we could hold St. Joseph hostage through a medallion or statue. That is silly. For those of us who do believe in the intercession of the saints, this is simply a way to ask for their help.

In the process of selling our house, I’ve found the buried medallion useful as an outward sign of prayer. Both Stacey and I get anxious about selling—Will we sell it? When? Will we get enough money out of it? Will we get ANY money out of it? Will the buyer be a good fit for our neighbors? Are we doing all we can to sell it? How long can we carry two mortgages if we don’t sell it? There is no shortage of questions and doubts.

When these anxieties strike me, I now have a place to put them—in the hands of St. Joseph. Having something tangible physically in the ground in our yard reminds me that we are not alone in this task, and it feels like the burden is being shared. We know St. Joseph is praying for us, and that is a great comfort.

Budgeting their money forces Maurer and his wife, parents of two young children, “to collaborate,” he explained in the column, published by Forbes.com, a service of the noted business and financial magazine.

Maurer suggested that while it may seem strange, working together on a budget helps to counteract a certain risk at his home. How so?

Given the level of their multiple commitments not only to work, but to school, sports activities, the church, etc., it seems he and his wife found themselves left to function “more as independent business partners than spouses.” And they tended to find themselves “in short supply” when it came both to “adult conversation and genuine collaboration.”

Fortunately, then, working on their budget provides a context for the couple not only to converse as adults, but truly to work together, he said.

Maurer is a financial planner, educator and author. In these career roles, he considers it his vocation to help the people he serves connect who they are with what they do. His philosophy of money holds “that personal finance is more personal than it is finance and that money has no value other than that which we give it.”

Time Together Builds Intimacy

Maurer is not alone in pointing out that preparing a household budget represents a chance for a couple to spend time together. A book reviewed last August for this website made a similar point. In “Stress-Proof Your Marriage” (Our Sunday Visitor), Cory and Heidi Busse wrote:

“Budgeting is making the choice to take your marriage’s head out of the financial sand. Budgeting is about acknowledging where the money goes and making changes (if need be). Budgeting is about working together.”

It is of no small importance that couples find ways to spend time with each other. That point was clear in the new “State of Our Unions” report,” titled “And Baby Makes Three,” which I discussed on this website last week.

The annual report, released Dec. 8 by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Center for Marriage and Families, based in New York, examined 10 factors in “contemporary social life and relationships” that “appear to boost women’s and men’s odds of successfully combining marriage and parenthood.” Quality family time was among those factors.

“Intimacy is more likely to emerge and be sustained when couples have time for one another, especially after they transition into parenthood,” the report said. It stressed that both “time spent alone with one’s spouse and time spent with one’s children” serve to “predict higher levels of marital solidarity.”

When a wife and husband “spend time alone together, talking or sharing an activity,” they are “significantly more likely to be happy in their marriages and less likely to be vulnerable to separation or divorce,” according to “The State of Our Unions.”

Budgeting for Evenings Out

One of Maurer’s insights was that the time busy married parents set aside for budgeting can represent authentic, adult couple time. But like so many couples, he and his wife also wanted to spend time together in other enjoyable ways.

Of course, some of these enjoyable ways of spending time together cost money. I found it noteworthy, therefore, that their budget set aside money precisely for a bit of time away from home – a date night, for example.

Maurer recalled asking a client, an older husband and father, “what his secret to marriage and parenting was.” The happily married client responded that he and his wife always set time and money aside for themselves “as a couple.”

The client made the case that a wife and husband become “better parents” when they set time aside to be together alone – time for a date night, a weekend away, even a week’s vacation.

Like many couples, however, by the end of most months the Maurers already had spent their discretionary money “on the rest of life.” So they worked a solution to that predicament into their budget.

The Maurers realized the budgeting process had a way of highlighting their dependence on each other and its value.

They also realized their budget needed to assure some measure of spending independence for each of them. Thus, they developed the “His” and “Hers” sections of their budget.

Finally, however, to secure time for themselves as a couple, the Maurers budgeted a sum called “Ours.” This budget element helps to protect them from feeling they are taking money away from something else important when they arrange for a baby-sitter and go out for an evening.

In no way is budgeting romantic, Maurer concluded. But he said budgeting can help to “promote and preserve” a couple’s romance.