His response: the “capacity to wonder.” Further, he mentioned that theology has the ability to break us out of complacency with the world around us, to see it again with fresh eyes. Basically, our theological imagination invites us to wonder about God.

So does parenting.

First, by observing how I relate to our children, I wonder about how I relate to God as a loving parent.

Case in point, our Simon is the most high-energy in the family. Not in the “hyper” sense. He just generally seeks out active ways to fill his time: running or playing sports outside, jumping around his room or the living room playing a make-believe game, or trying to keep up with following his big brother around.

At the same time Simon is also our cuddle bug. That is to say that even in the midst of his running here and there, if I reach out, pull him to my lap, and wrap my arms around him, he is just like a kitten. You know how they dangle as their mothers carry them gently by the neck. He just settles right down and melts into me quietly and we get to share a moment.

How does this make me wonder about how I relate to God?

I—God’s child—rush around filling my time with everything that interests me and needs to be done. When are the moments that God sees me running past and reaches out to pull me in saying, “Be still and know I’m God”? (Psalm 46) Do I recognize those invitations? Am I the kind of child that responds affirmatively by listening and by settling down and melting into God’s embrace? Or sometimes do I maybe put God off or wriggle free prematurely? If the latter, what am I missing out on?

Second, by observing how my children relate to the world, I wonder about how God calls me to be in relationship with the world.

For example, sweet Lucy is all kinds of sugar and spice. But she fundamentally encounters the world with a smile and by assuming goodwill.

If we are sitting at dinner and I make eye contact or address one of the boys, they will take a moment or two to size me up, what I am saying and how I am saying it before speaking or responding. If I do the same with Lucy, a smile is her first and immediate response. She is first and foremost just happy to be in relationship. And for her relationship means offering love and acceptance.

How does this make me wonder about how God calls me to be in relationship?

I wonder if I offer others, especially those in my family, love and acceptance first and foremost? Do I assume goodwill of the words and actions of others? Or do I size up the situation before measuring and deciding what to offer in a response?

Ultimately, theological imagination is about cultivating a Eucharistic worldview. In the Eucharist what we see is bread and wine, but the eyes of faith tell us what is immediately apparent is not actually all there is to see. God is present.

On the outside, what is visible in parenting–cultivating and managing personalities, interests, and energy–is not actually all there is to see. Our children can assist our formation of a theological imagination. Raising them and observing them helps us to see with the eyes of faith and with wonder. God is present.

Why does the church teach that marriage is a sacrament?

The sacraments make Christ present in our midst. Like the other sacraments, marriage is not just for the good of individuals, or the couple, but for the community as a whole. The Catholic Church teaches that marriage between two baptized persons is a sacrament. The Old Testament prophets saw the marriage of a man and woman as a symbol of the covenant relationship between God and his people. The permanent and exclusive union between husband and wife mirrors the mutual commitment between God and his people. The Letter to the Ephesians says that this union is a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

Do Catholics ever validly enter into non-sacramental marriages?

Yes. Marriages between Catholics and non-Christians, while they may still be valid in the eyes of the Church, are non-sacramental. With permission, a priest or deacon may witness such marriages.

What is the difference between a valid and an invalid Catholic marriage?

Just as individual states have certain requirements for civil marriage (e.g., a marriage license, blood tests), the Catholic Church also has requirements before Catholics can be considered validly married in the eyes of the Church. A valid Catholic marriage results from four elements: (1) the spouses are free to marry; (2) they freely exchange their consent; (3) in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to children; and (4) their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister. Exceptions to the last requirement must be approved by church authority.

If a Catholic wants to marry a non-Catholic, how can they assure that the marriage is recognized by the Church?

In addition to meeting the criteria for a valid Catholic marriage (see question #3), the Catholic must seek permission from the local bishop to marry a non-Catholic. If the person is a non-Catholic Christian, this permission is called a “permission to enter into a mixed marriage.” If the person is a non-Christian, the permission is called a “dispensation from disparity of cult.” Those helping to prepare the couple for marriage can assist with the permission process.

Why does a Catholic wedding have to take place in a church?

For Catholics, marriage is not just a social or family event, but a church event. For this reason, the Church prefers that marriages between Catholics, or between Catholics and other Christians, be celebrated in the parish church of one of the spouses. Only the local bishop can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.

If a Catholic wishes to marry in a place outside the Catholic church, how can he or she be sure that the marriage is recognized by the Catholic Church as valid?

The local bishop can permit a wedding in another church, or in another suitable place, for a sufficient reason. For example, a Catholic seeks to marry a Baptist whose father is the pastor of the local Baptist church. The father wants to officiate at the wedding. In these circumstances, the bishop could permit the couple to marry in the Baptist church. The permission in these instances is called a “dispensation from canonical form.”

If two Catholics or a Catholic and non-Catholic are married invalidly in the eyes of the church, what should they do about it?

They should approach their pastor and explain the situation. He can work with them to try to resolve it.

When a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, must the non-Catholic promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith?

The non-Catholic spouse does not have to promise to have the children raised Catholic. The Catholic spouse must promise to do all that he or she can to have the children baptized and raised in the Catholic faith.

Is it required that a wedding celebration have expensive flowers, clothes and other accompaniments?

The Rite of Marriage makes no reference to any of these cultural elements. The focus of the couple should be on the celebration of the sacrament. Pastors repeatedly point out that a couple do not have to postpone the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage because they cannot afford such things. See Budgeting for Your Wedding.

How much does it cost to get married in the Catholic Church?

Dioceses often regulate the stipend, or offering to the church, that is customary on the occasion of a wedding. Depending on different areas, this might also include the fee for the organist and vocalist. In a situation of true financial difficulty, couples can come to an agreement with their pastors so that true financial hardship will never prevent a Catholic marriage from taking place. For more information, see How Much Does it Cost to Marry in the Catholic Church?

What is a Nuptial Mass and when can a couple have one?

A Nuptial Mass is a Mass which includes the celebration of the sacrament of marriage. It has special readings and prayers suitable to the Sacrament of Marriage. The Sacrament of Marriage between two baptized Catholics should normally be celebrated within Mass.

If the situation warrants it and the local bishop gives permission, a Nuptial Mass may be celebrated for a marriage between a Catholic and a baptized person who is not a Catholic, except that Communion is not given to the non-Catholic since the general law of the church does not allow it. In such instances, it is better to use the appropriate ritual for marriage outside Mass. This is always the case in a marriage between a baptized Catholic and a non-baptized person.

Marriage Preparation in the Catholic Church

What should a couple do when they decide they wish to marry in the Catholic Church?

They should contact their parish as soon as possible and make an appointment to talk with the priest, deacon or staff person who is responsible for preparing couples for marriage. This person will explain the process of marriage preparation and the various programs that are offered.

Why does the church require engaged couples to participate in a marriage preparation program?

Marriage preparation offers couples the opportunity to develop a better understanding of Christian marriage; to evaluate and deepen their readiness to live married life; and to gain insights into themselves as individuals and as a couple. It is especially effective in helping couples to deal with the challenges of the early years of marriage.

What kinds of marriage preparation programs does the church offer?

Depending on the diocese and the parish, several may be available. Programs include a weekend program with other couples, such as Catholic Engaged Encounter, a series of sessions in large or small groups or meetings with an experienced married couple. Some programs may be offered in Spanish and other languages. Specific programs address particular circumstances, such as remarriage, children brought into the marriage and marriage to a non-Catholic. As part of their preparation, many couples complete a premarital inventory, such as FOCCUS, to identify issues for further discussion.

What key issues are covered in marriage preparation?

Marriage preparation programs help couples to understand the Christian and the human aspects of marriage. Typical topics include: the meaning of marriage as a sacrament; faith, prayer and the church; roles in marriage; communication and conflict resolution; children, parenthood and Natural Family Planning; finances; and family of origin.

Is there a cost for marriage preparation programs?

Most programs charge a modest fee to cover the cost of materials. Programs that require an overnight stay will include an additional cost for rooms and meals. Assistance is frequently available for couples who would otherwise be unable to participate.

Marriage Enrichment and Support

Does the church offer any programs to help couples to improve their marriage?

Yes. Peer ministry for married couples is widespread. Many couples meet in parish-based small groups; ministries such as Teams of Our Lady, Couples for Christ, and Christian Family Movement also use the small group approach. The Marriage Enrichment Weekend Program is offered in several states. Some parishes sponsor a retreat day or evening of reflection for married couples. Others offer a mentoring system that matches older couples with younger ones. Throughout the country, many couples participate in Marriage Encounter, which offers a weekend experience and ongoing community support.

What can a couple do if their marriage is in trouble?

Parish priests, deacons and other pastoral ministers are available to talk to couples and to refer them to counselors and programs that can assist them. Retrouvaille (Ree-tru-VEYE) is an effective program that helps to heal and renew marriages in serious trouble. The Third Option is another program that is available in some parts of the country. For more information see Finding Help When Your Marriage Is In Trouble.

Annulments

What is an annulment?

An annulment is a declaration by a tribunal (Catholic church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union (see question #3). Unlike civil divorce, an annulment does not erase something that was already there, but rather it is a declaration that a valid marriage was never actually brought about on the wedding day. A declaration of nullity does not deny that a relationship ever existed between the couple, or that the spouses truly loved one another.

How can a couple married 20 years get an annulment?

The annulment process examines the events leading up to, and at the time of, the wedding ceremony, in an effort to determine whether what was required for a valid marriage was ever brought about. While a marriage of 20 years provides evidence that a couple had some capacity for a life-long commitment, the duration of their relationship in itself does not prove or negate the existence of the marriage bond.

If a marriage is annulled are the children from it considered illegitimate?

No. A declaration of nullity has no effect on the legitimacy of children, since the child’s mother and father were presumed to be married at the time that the child was born.

Are annulments expensive?

Fees associated with the annulment process vary within the U.S. Most tribunals charge between $200 and $1,000 for a standard nullity case. Fees are typically payable over time, and may be reduced or even eliminated in cases of financial difficulty. Other expenses may be incurred when consultation with medical, psychological, or other experts is needed.

How long does it take to get an annulment?

It usually takes 12 to 18 months to complete the entire process.

Consider a life in which there is no common language, no neighbor to lend you a quart of milk, no police officer to protect you from a robber, nor fire fighter to save your burning house – a house, by the way, that you would have had to build yourself.

Imagine a world with seven billion complete individualists, all living in perfect isolation, none of whom can communicate with each other, help each other, fall in love with each other: no spouses, no friends, no families, no children.

It was considerations like these that prompted the Greek philosopher Aristotle, 25 centuries ago, to say that “man is by nature a social animal.” Who could imagine living a life without living in some sort of community, maintaining relationships with other human beings, depending on others for food and clothing and shelter?

But Aristotle went beyond the merely material and social benefits of community. When he sat down to write his book on ethics, he began it by saying simply: “The good is that at which all things aim.” In other words, every person on the planet, everyone who came before us or will come after us, whether consciously or not, aims in their lives to achieve “the good.”

Notice that Aristotle didn’t say “a good” or “goods,” but the good, meaning everyone shares the same good.

What Is “The Good”?

No one has decided to the satisfaction of everyone how “the good” is defined. In the mid-1930s, Fascists found the good to be synonymous with the state. Italy’s Fascist dictator, Benito Mussolini, offered this philosophy in opposition to the philosophy of individualism, which says there’s not one good but many goods, depending on personal tastes.

To the Church, neither statism nor individualism achieve the good, whether the personal good of human beings or the common good of society. A good that does not include God and does not promote a civil society is not a sufficient good at all.

As theologian David Hollenbach puts it, “The full common good exists only in the communion of all persons with God and with each other in God.” To Christians and many others, a life that doesn’t recognize God, who is both the creator and true end of people and societies, is a life without meaning.

When we find meaning, we find fulfillment. But we can’t find fulfillment in isolation. We find it when we love and serve God as well as other people. Not all societies make it possible to do that. Think of highly regimented North Korea, where fulfillment means serving the state alone, or the many other countries where there exists no personal or religious freedoms. Likewise, it’s hard to find fulfillment when we use our freedoms to benefit only ourselves without regard for the well-being of others.

The Church certainly has a clear idea of what constitutes the good life, and anyone who wonders what that is can find it contained in the Bible or in the many forms of Church tradition or by listening to the Word preached at Sunday Mass.

Social Conditions that Promote the Common Good

But instead of trying to impose the good life on people, an exercise with often sorry consequences, the Church offers what it considers to be the social conditions that give people and groups who want to pursue the good life the ability to do so.

What are some of those conditions? Among them is a commitment to peace. War and civil conflict not only affect armies that wage battle, but destroy the conditions of life for civilians as well. For example, the olive branch became a symbol of peace because in ancient Greece farmers wouldn’t plant olive trees, which take 15 years or more to bear fruit, if they thought that opposing armies would be running up and down the countryside destroying their orchards. The commitment to plant an olive tree was a sign of the farmer’s belief that peace would last.

But peace without justice is no peace at all. Today’s farmers want a strong government to protect their farms, but not an unjust government that would seize their orchards without due cause. Justice, a second condition of the common good, is more than observing contractual obligations and the laws against theft and violence. It is respect for the human dignity of other human beings, those next door and those around the world, perhaps best summed up by the injunction to “love your neighbor as yourself.”

A third condition of the common good is the protection of human rights, making sure that all people have an adequate provision of the goods and services essential to living a decent life, like food, housing and a productive job.

Other conditions include the protection of religious freedoms, freedom of communication and expression, and access to culture and a good education.

A final condition, one made apparent by the role of transportation and communication in shrinking the globe, is a nation’s contribution to the well-being of humanity around the world, particularly those in developing countries. That means sharing not only financial resources, but technological know-how as well.

The Universal Destination of Goods

But am I my brother’s keeper, particularly a brother thousands of miles away in, say, southern Africa? Or how about the Mexican immigrant mowing my front lawn?

The per capita income in the United States is $47,000 a year. In Burundi, a poor African country, it is $400 a year. And those figures take into account the respective costs of living in each country. The worldwide average? $11,000.

The common good does not demand an equalization of income around the world. The U.S. has a very productive economy; Burundi does not. Any utopian scheme to equalize incomes would be unjust and would certainly be bound to fail, as the average American family, for example, would be unwilling to surrender 75 percent of their income.

The common good does not demand a complete transfer of wealth, but it does suggest that all of us develop a new vision of economic wealth and social justice.

It does so by reminding us that the earth’s resources were placed there by God for the benefit of all, so that each person can access what he or she needs in order to develop fully as a human person. As Pope John Paul II pointed out, the common use of goods is a right, a natural right, inherent in being a human person. It is, he wrote, the “first principle of the whole ethical and social order” and “the characteristic principle of Christian social doctrine.”

But that right seems to conflict with the Church’s long-time stand that private property is also a right, a right that allows people a sphere of personal and family autonomy. In fact, neither right is absolute, but the right to private property may be regulated to achieve the goals of the common good.

Ideally, that regulation should come from within. In 2010, Warren Buffett, the investor, and Bill Gates, the co-founder of Microsoft, challenged their fellow billionaires to give at least half of their net worth to charity. Buffett himself pledged to give away 99 percent of his wealth.

He said it was prompted not by guilt, but by gratitude, although his comments might lead people to believe that he was motivated not only by charity but by economic justice. He said he saw the distortions in a system that rewarded some investors with great wealth and rewarded soldiers who save lives and teachers who inspire students with little more than medals and nice notes from parents.

“Too often,” Buffett added, “a vast collection of possessions ends up possessing its owner,” a point made also in the Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church: The universal destination of goods, it said, is a principle that “corresponds to the call made unceasingly by the Gospel to people and societies of all times, tempted as they always are by the desire to possess.”

“Love for the poor,” the Compendium says, “is certainly incompatible with immoderate love of riches or their selfish use.” As a result, the Church urges its members, as well as governments and institutions, to a “preferential option for the poor,” urging people to use what wealth they have not only to provide for their families, but also to provide for the needs of those who live on the margins of society.

A preferential option for the poor is very much a part of the common good. It’s not only a matter of closing the wealth gap, but also of closing the gap between the lives we lead and the lives many of us believe we should be leading.

Interested in learning more about Catholic Social Teaching? Check out the following:

Seven Themes of Catholic Social Teaching

Study guide and study sessions on CST

A model for living out CST in daily life

General resources on CST

The thought might not come to mind at all that humility can foster respect within a marriage and enhance relationships of all kinds, including those between parents and children.

I’ve just read a thought-provoking essay on humility in a 2012 book titled “The Messy Quest for Meaning” (Sorin Books). Its Catholic author, Stephen Martin, is a North Carolina writer.

Humility is not meant to create “meek, retreating people” who firmly believe they are worthless, Martin stresses. He proposes that authentic humility will only strengthen people.

Martin considers humility “absolutely essential” for discovering and embracing our callings in life. At the same time, he suggests that growing in humility means “learning to accept where our influence ends and God’s begins.”

All of us – spouses, parents, friends, those in the workplace — are prone “to a lack of humility,” Martin indicates. But he believes “a well-honed sense of humility” that prompts us to acknowledge our “weaknesses and flaws” makes a big difference in life.

One great temptation is to become so comfortable with our own voices that we are unable to hear or appreciate what others have to say. Obviously, this can lead to problems in a marriage, with one or both spouses unwilling to listen carefully to the other’s insights and concerns.

Martin recognizes this temptation. “It’s comforting to hole up in an echo chamber that reaffirms the rightness of our own ideas, shields us from threats and rarely challenges us to think or act in new ways,” he writes. That will not, however, “do much at all for our sense of humility.”

Honest Approach to Reality

“The Messy Quest for Meaning” is not about marriage per se. It directs attention to vocations of various kinds. It should be noted, though, that echoes of Martin’s thinking on humility are heard frequently in discussions of marriage.

Sometimes those discussions accent the need of spouses to acknowledge that they are imperfect, that neither of them is called to make all the big decisions alone and that a disagreement need not create a battle to be “won” by just one of them.

Laurie Puhn described the humble wife or husband in “Fight Less, Love More” (Rodale Books, 2010). When humility characterizes you as a spouse, “you don’t think you have all the answers; in fact, you know you don’t,” she wrote.

Humility motivates a wife and husband to listen to and encourage each other, Puhn said. Moreover, humility’s presence means that each spouse allows new information to alter his or her opinions.

Finally, humble spouses admit when they are wrong and apologize. Puhn said they recognize that an apology “is another opportunity to build a loving connection through tolerance and understanding.”

British Benedictine Abbot Christopher Jamison discussed the dynamics of humility in “Finding Happiness” (Liturgical Press, 2008). He viewed humility as pride’s opposite. While marriage was not his topic, the implications of his thinking for marriage seem obvious.

“We need consciously to remind ourselves not to seek to have everything our own way, to restrain our suspicion of others and to distinguish our own desires from what is good for other people,” Abbot Jamison advised. To do that, he said people must consciously pursue humility.

For him, humility represents “an honest approach to the reality of our own lives and acknowledges that we are not more important than other people.”

Practice for Humility

For Martin, “an invitation to humble ourselves” can be found in “every instant of every day.” For example, “we can resist the temptation to have the last word in a spat with our spouse. We can get dinner on the table when we’d rather be taking a nap.”

But he admits this is not easy.

The problem of pride may partly be that “when we’re skilled at something, whether it’s running a household or putting a ball in a hoop or cutting out tumors, we can become a little too impressed with ourselves,” Martin observes.

Can people practice up on humility? Yes, and Martin recommends doing so much the way people pursue better eating habits or the practice of daily exercise.

One way to practice humility is to “spend time listening to people with whom we don’t agree.” But this can be a jarring experience, Martin points out. It might unsettle some of our assumptions.

Martin suggests starting “right now in our own families” to open ourselves up “to unfamiliar ideas” that we shy away from, suspecting they will make us uncomfortable. He holds that, paradoxically, this can help us grow wiser and stronger.

In the end, humility can strengthen people in their life’s vocations. That is Martin’s point. He thinks that when people grow in humility they may well surprise themselves by discovering they are capable of “far more” than they thought.

As my mother mentioned, it seems I can’t have “tiny” changes in my life – they tend to come all at once, including a new boss, new baby, and more!

I have noticed several factors seem to contribute directly to my mood. Being overtired and lack of exercise make it easier to be crabby and harder to be patient with others. Some extra sleep and some time with family and friends have definitely helped cure my blues! Hopefully, this revelation will make me at least slightly easier to live with. I’m sure Justin would appreciate a few less tears this week.

This weekend, Justin and I were blessed to go to Northern Iowa and see my “baby” brother graduate from college. Christmas had been the last time my entire family had been together, so it was great just to catch up and to celebrate this exciting time in his life.

It also was especially neat to see my niece (and godchild) again. She’s about six months old, and in the very squirmy stage. I wouldn’t be surprised if she began to crawl within a few weeks.

Justin and I stayed with my sister and brother-in-law, and it was interesting to catch a glimpse of what their home life is like with an infant. While it helped me realize just how much care our little one will take, I’ve never seen anything like my niece’s happy smiles and “talking” noises. It helped me become even more excited for our little one, if that’s possible!

Watching my sister and brother-in-law reminded me that life with a baby is going to be hard at times, too. My niece was exceptionally good during the hour and a half graduation ceremony, but she definitely was getting tired by the time we made it home that night. In fact, she was so tired that she didn’t want to play while she took a bath. Even on Sunday morning, she was still tired, and decided to be very vocal (with happy noises) during Mass. My sister was very embarrassed that her daughter was being so loud. In fact, my brother-in-law had to take their daughter outside because she was being so loud. It had been the first time my niece hadn’t behaved during Mass, and so they were a bit uncertain of what to do. It made me realize that Justin and I will need to discuss this (and many more things) as our baby gets older.

The neatest part of the whole weekend was one of the times holding my niece. Even though Baby’s fairly active, sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that he or she is already truly a person. One time, I was holding my niece, and she started kicking my legs. Then Baby started to kick as well. I told my sister the cousins were already playing together even while one was in the womb!

The countdown for Baby Kraft continues – and I’m looking forward to my first Mothers’ Day this weekend!

It came from a man older than me who was discerning whether to pursue a significant relationship in his life. He asked me, “What is the hardest thing about being married?”

My answer was this: the hardest thing about marriage is living with the knowledge that I will not be able to love my wife perfectly. I am only human and have limitations and I’m forgetful on top of it all. (And sometimes stubborn, but that’s my fault.) I know there will be times when I will hurt her—even though I don’t mean to—just because our personalities are different.

I don’t think that was the answer he was expecting, judging by his look and silence. I think he expected me to say something about doing the dishes or snoring.

I recall wondering if I was naïve in my answer, if it was the answer of a young newlywed still glowing from the honeymoon. I remember wondering if I might have a different reply after 10 or 15 years of marriage.

Well, it has been 14 years of marriage as of this week and I’ve come to the conclusion that I was not naïve in my response. Even then, I could see that this marriage would be a very human experience. The only difference now is that I can see all the ways that I am imperfect—back then, I had only an inkling.

(…sorry, brief interruption while writing to clean up Lucy after she vomited in bed tonight—no joke… back now…)

It is a great sadness to me that I cannot be perfect for Stacey. I dearly want to be able to meet all of her needs without any prompting. I think I give it an honest effort each and every day—I’m not trying to skinny out of anything—it is just that we are very different people, and we have very different tendencies and needs. There are bound to be times when those tendencies and needs are at odds with one another.

What could be worse than hurting the one I love the most when I am totally at fault, and at the same time totally blind? The only thing to do in those moments is to pick up the pieces and keep trying. Times like that make it easy to stay humble.

Moments of real joy, as Stacey wrote last week, are true gifts in this light, true grace. There are just as many factors at play here that could make us bitter and cold as that could make us laugh. After 14 years of marriage, how is it that we could spent last Thursday night robot-dancing in our kitchen to German pop music?

Love is the answer. The gift of the struggle is the ability to choose to love. The fact that it doesn’t come easy means that I am free to decide to give everything of myself to Stacey. Even if it isn’t enough, every day I choose to give her everything.

I can see in her that she makes that same commitment to me, and for both of us it has been nothing short of transfiguring.

But one cause that seems most persuasive, a cause cited by Pope John Paul himself, is the Soviet failure to develop a civil society. The Soviet Union consisted of the all-powerful state and the powerless individual. Nothing in between.

What is a civil society? It is the accumulation, over centuries, of all sorts of institutions: economic, social, cultural, sports-oriented, recreational, professional and political.

Some thinkers have called such groups, “mediating institutions,” in that they come between government and the individual and protect the individual from the power of the state. The role of government is not to usurp the prerogative of these institutions but to support them.

It is the principle of subsidiarity that underlies the right of individuals to associate with other like-minded people and to organize themselves into groups, a right that was denied by the Soviet Union. This right is a natural right, a right that is not the government’s to extend but is the birthright of every human being. In the words of the Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, “it is impossible to promote the dignity of the person without showing concern for such groups.”

As a principle, it was first formulated in 1931, in the midst of the Great Depression. Pope Pius XI issued a major social encyclical, Quadragesimo Anno, which took issue with the centralization of political and economic power at the time. He envisioned the practice of subsidiarity as the way to restore civil society.

“Just as it is gravely wrong to take from individuals what they can accomplish by their own initiative and industry and give it to the community,” he wrote, “so also it is an injustice and at the same time a grave evil and disturbance of right order to assign to a greater and higher association what lesser and subordinate organizations can do.”

At the base of civil society is the family, the first and most natural institution. The family is where people learn to grow, to take responsibility. It is the first school of work, as any 12-year old who is asked to clean his room or mow the lawn can testify to. And most recently, during a time of economic upheaval, it is the one group that will take you in when you can’t find an affordable home.

The family may be civil society’s most basic institution, but society encompasses all sorts of institutions, from churches and schools to soccer and bowling leagues. In fact it was the decline of participation in bowling leagues over a 50-year period that inspired Robert Putnam, a Harvard political scientist, to track a decline in America’s social capital. The number of Americans who bowl has increased, but the number who bowl in leagues has declined. People grow primarily through their relationships with others, and if Americans spend all their time alone with their computers or alone in the bowling alleys, America’s civil society, and Americans themselves, will suffer as a result.

Subsidiarity does not stand in opposition to government. Some political thinkers, Thomas Paine and Henry David Thoreau, to name two, subscribed to the theory that government which governs least governs best. That is not the intent of subsidiarity, which maintains that every problem should be handled by the institution most competent to deal with it, while giving priority to the institution that is closest to the problem. Moreover, subsidiarity requires that those who are affected by policies have a voice in developing those policies.

Subsidiarity is a principle that can benefit not only society but government itself. In fact, it probably helps to visualize this principle by thinking of the way the United States is governed. Washington shares power with the states, which in turn share power with counties, cities and towns. If you want to report a broken water main, it’s a whole lot more efficient to get a hold of your local public works agency than to inform an agency in Washington. On the other hand, some things need to be done by a national government, like diplomacy and national defense.

Government at all levels has responsibility for the common good, the conditions under which true civil society is fostered. When individuals or groups use their power to weaken the social fabric, it’s the role of government to step in. For example, presidents and congresses have used the power of the federal government to confront the power of both large corporations and large labor unions when they felt that the common good was being undermined. The Supreme Court has supported individuals when their rights were violated by state and local governments.

The Church’s social teaching, as related in the Compendium, maintains that all human beings have an equal dignity, and that government has a special responsibility for serving the needs of the poor and most vulnerable. But at the same time, the Church opposes “certain forms of centralization, bureaucratization, and welfare assistance” when they “lead to a loss of human energies” and “are dominated more by bureaucratic ways of thinking than by concern for serving their clients.”

Is there a golden mean between the helping hand of government and the heavy hand of government? Subsidiarity, rightly understood, is the Church’s answer.

But the principle, and the civil society it fosters, won’t flourish unless citizens participate in their communities. True subsidiarity depends on the willingness of people to become active participants in civil society, to engage with contemporary cultural and social issues, and to help order them according to God’s will.

Divorces are becoming much more frequent for middle-aged and older adults at the same time society’s overall divorce rate either is declining somewhat or at least is stable, the center said. It predicts the number of divorces will remain high for these groups in the future.

The family and marriage center believes this development deserves greater attention; its far-reaching ramifications ought to be considered. “Although divorce has been studied extensively among younger adults, the research to date has essentially ignored divorce that occurs among older adults,” the paper said.

The working paper would appear to advise everyone concerned about the well-being of married couples (perhaps marriage educators and counselors) neither to take the marriages of middle-aged and older couples for granted nor to assume that these people simply do not divorce. I suspect those involved in church ministries to already-married couples will find the paper informative.

Some Ramifications

Titled “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” the working paper points out that the divorces of middle-aged and older adults are not only likely to shape “the health and well-being of those who experience it directly,” but “to have ramifications for the well-being of family members,” including children and grandchildren.

In addition, this development is likely to “intensify the demands placed on the broader institutional support systems available to middle-aged and older adults,” the paper said.

I-Fen Lin, an associate professor of sociology at Bowling Green and co-author of the working paper, thinks that researchers and policymakers no longer are going to be able to focus solely on widowhood in later life and will need to pay greater attention to the vulnerabilities of the divorced as well.

Susan Brown, the paper’s other co-author, recently discussed support systems for older adults who either divorced or never married. She said that “in the past, family members, particularly spouses, have provided care to infirm older adults. But a growing share of older adults aren’t going to have a spouse available to rely on for support.” Brown, a Bowling Green professor of sociology, is the center’s co-director.

Increase Likely to Continue

The working paper based its findings on the 1990 U.S. Vital Statistics Report and the 2009 American Community Survey. In 1990, the paper noted, “approximately 206,007 people over age 50 got divorced, whereas in 2009 about 604,643 got divorced.”

If one assumes this divorce rate will “remain constant over the next two decades — a conservative assumption based on the recent trend — the number of persons over age 50 that would experience divorce in 2030 would rise by one-third to over 807,229,” the paper predicted.

“Consider that fewer than one in 10 persons who divorced in 1990 was over age 50, compared to more than one in four today,” the paper suggested to its readers.

While a higher divorce rate is found today among those 50 to 64 years old (the middle-aged) and those 65 and older, the paper shows that the actual number of divorces is much higher among the middle-aged.

Why did the working paper predict that the number of divorces among Americans 50 and older will remain high in the future? One reason may be that “baby boomers, the first to divorce and remarry in large numbers during young adulthood, are moving into the older adult population, and this portends a growing number of older adults will experience divorce.”

Another reason involves the large number of middle-aged and older couples today who are not in a first marriage. The study observes that “most divorced people eventually remarry, and remarriages are at greater risk of divorce than first marriages.”

The paper cited other research arguing that a “weakening norm of marriage as a lifelong institution,” coupled with society’s heightened emphasis “on individual fulfillment and satisfaction through marriage” may be contributing factors in the increase of divorce among adults 50 or older. More people seem unwilling to remain in a marriage they consider unfulfilling.

Some research, the paper observed, holds that “life-long marriages are increasingly difficult to sustain in an era of individualism and lengthening life expectancies.”

But it is important to note the paper’s conclusion that “little is known about the predictors” of divorces occurring “during middle and later life.” I assume, then, that we’ll be hearing much more about the underlying causes of this social development and how to address them as research continues in the years ahead.

Marriage is also not a competition in which one person wins at the expense of the other. If both spouses are not happy with a decision, then the marriage suffers since one person’s happiness cannot be at the expense of the other’s.

In this spirit, we invite you to assess where you are in your marriage.

* Identify the issues that you agree on and are working smoothly for you.

* Identify the issues that you disagree on and need to work out a compromise.

* Identify the issues that you haven’t gotten around to talking about – but you should.

All this can add up to a blueprint for deepening your marriage and helping you reach your full marriage potential. The following categories can get you started:

On a scale of 1 – 10 rate your satisfaction with your marriage in the areas of:

1. Shared Values _____

2. Commitment to each other _____

3. Communication Skills _____

4. Conflict Resolution Skills _____

5. Intimacy/Sexuality _____

6. Spirituality/Faith _____

7. Money Management _____

8. Appreciation/Affection _____

9. Lifestyle _____

10. Recreation _____

11. Decision Making _____

12. Parenthood _____

13. Household chores / gender differences _____

14. Careers _____

15. Balancing Time_____

TOTAL: _____

Since this isn’t a test, but rather a map for you to use for further discussion, your total is not based on 100%. If your self-ratings on a specific topic are:

8-10: You are quite happy with this aspect of your marriage. This could be because you are generally an optimistic person and easy going, or you’ve been very intentional about working on your marriage.

4-7: You are sliding along in your marriage, perhaps not paying much attention to it or avoiding areas of conflict. It’s also possible that you have high expectations and are not an easy grader.

1-3: You are pretty dissatisfied with this aspect of your marriage. Check out the other areas of this website that address this topic.

Another way of assessing whether you need to pay more attention to certain areas of your marriage is by comparing answers with your spouse. If your ratings on any given topic differ by more than three points, you’ll want to discuss why.

Finally, if both you and your spouse have total scores of:

100 + Give yourself an A – but don’t get proud or complacent.

75-99 Give yourself a B – you’re in good shape and can pinpoint those areas you’ll want to discuss further.

50-74 Give yourself a C – You may have much to discuss or one of you may be more dissatisfied than the other. Check it out.

15-49 Looks like trouble. The fact that you are visiting this website and have filled out this self-assessment, however, is a good sign. You haven’t given up; you want to make your marriage better. Now get to work on it. See a counselor or attend a program offered by Retrouvaille or The Third Option for help.

Just like in my first trimester, it seems it no longer takes much to make me cry. At breakfast this morning, Justin and I were discussing painting the living room, and he felt my suggestion of how to paint wasn’t how he wanted to do it. When he explained that and why, I started crying because I felt like he wasn’t valuing my opinion.

And, of course, there was the recent email from a colleague who I felt was chewing me out for something that honestly wasn’t my fault. After driving home, I was still so upset that I asked Justin how I should respond. When I pulled up the email, I realized I had actually managed to misunderstand everything my colleague had said!

Unfortunately, I really don’t know the solution to the pregnancy blues, unless it’s just to cry – a lot, as I have these past few days! As I mentioned last week, there’s simply a lot of changes going on for Justin and me right now, including the unknowns of a new boss for me. Sometimes, I feel like a trained monkey could do better at my job and be a better wife to Justin than I am right now. By the time I get home from work, there’s simply not much energy left to take care of the house, make dinner, or do other necessary chores. The baby’s room is getting better, but still has numerous boxes full of items that belong in other parts of the house. In addition, my “belly” has really begun to pop, so I feel “fat” and have a much more difficult time navigating the stairs and getting up off the sofa or even walking upstairs to the kitchen to get a snack. Basically, I’m finally beginning to understand why mothers talk about wanting their babies to be born – I now know it is in hopes of being more comfortable!

This weekend, I get to see my family for my brother’s college graduation. I’m hoping this will help put some things in perspective, and it will be great to see my godchild and niece who is getting so big! Basically, I think I need to cut myself (and Justin) a bit of slack, as I know my pregnancy hasn’t been easy on Justin, either. He’s done a lot to take care of me throughout these past six months, and I’m sure he’s got a lot more to do these coming months! I also need to continue to find things to be excited about, such as seeing my family and setting time with friends.

Moms, any tips for surviving the third trimester and pregnancy blues?

On Saturday morning, the children were watching cartoons downstairs and Joshua was in the kitchen making pancakes – a tradition he picked up from his own father. He has made us Saturday morning pancakes since the first year we were married. That makes 14 years of pancakes as of next Wednesday.

During that time his pancakes have evolved. When we lived in Alaska they were enormous, meal-on-a-plate creations with berries and nuts and even homemade spruce tip syrup when the season was right. One was more than enough and you really didn’t need lunch that day either.

When we lived in Florida and were expecting Oscar, the pancakes weren’t as large or extra ingredient laden. But the routine was a familiar touchstone in our otherwise transitioning family.

In fact, one Saturday morning, three weeks before Oscar was due, we set aside the time after finishing our pancakes to pack our bag for the hospital. We had no sooner zipped the bag up then my water broke! Good thing I had a solid breakfast. The rest of THAT day was crazy.

During graduate school and on into our professional lives, Saturday morning pancakes have been community building times. We love to open that time up for friends and colleagues to join us. Most folks know they don’t need to wait for an invitation. Often an out of town visitor will simply ask if we are “doing pancakes on Saturday” and “what can I bring?”

In 14 years of honing his pancake making recipes and skills Joshua has remained constant in his attention to my tastes and preferences. On the one hand, it isn’t that challenging: I only ever want chocolate chip pancakes. But let me assure you, he makes — bar none — the BEST chocolate chip pancakes in the world. So much so that I don’t even bother ordering them when we are out because they will fall so far short of his handiwork.

So, on this last Saturday morning, I came out to the kitchen table and there waiting for me was my plate of two chocolate chip pancakes – one is never enough, three can be just plain gluttonous – and my giant glass of cold milk. I sat down, smiled, and smacked the table saying, “Gosh, I love breakfast!”

Joshua turned and met my eye with a tender smile. He could see that what I really meant was, “Gosh, I love you!”